Susan Slept Here (1954)

[bunniefuu]

♪ There's a kind
of special house ♪

♪ with a kind of special room

♪ with a kind of special
atmosphere

♪ with a click
of the ol' clock ♪

♪ going tick-a-tick-a-tock ♪

♪ shh! Susan slept here ♪

♪ oh, I can't
describe the house ♪

♪ and I can't describe
the room ♪

♪ but the atmosphere
is warm and dear ♪

♪ with the friendly whippoorwill
singing on her windowsill ♪

♪ shh! Susan slept here ♪

♪ sunlight kisses her shoulder ♪

♪ that's one light
I'm jealous of ♪

♪ mirror, mirror, mirror,
jealous 'cause you're near her ♪

♪ jealous "cause
you hold my love ♪

♪ I'm an ordinary guy
with extraordinary luck ♪

♪ 'cause it's Susan
who's in my career ♪

♪ and I'm tackin' up a sign
on that ticker of mine ♪

♪ Susan ♪

♪ Susan ♪

♪ Susan slept here ♪

My name is Oscar.
I live in Hollywood.

My family first
settled here in .

We love Hollywood.

The orange groves, palm trees,
Louella, the freeways,

and movie studios.

Every year,
around income tax time,

we throw a surprise party.

Here are some newsreel sh*ts of
the first one I attended.

We boys were all lined up,
waiting to be awarded

to deserving members
of the motion picture industry.

How I hoped I'd be awarded to
this deserving member.

She was the girl voted
the best supporting actress.

But instead, they gave one of
my brothers to her.

Oh, brother!

Me, I was awarded to the author
of the best screenplay,

Mark Christopher.

Nice guy, but he's no
supporting actress.

Being around a writer,
you get to know his problems.

My writer had two problems:

One of them lived in Pasadena...
Isabella.

She had everything.

And she wanted Mark to stop working and
share everything she had in Pasadena.

Problem number two
was Mark's work.

Ever since he won me,
he'd been in a rut,

writing the same type of movie...
Light, frothy comedies.

Like the clown who wanted
to play Hamlet,

Mark wanted to prove
he could write serious.

But the studio didn't
take him serious,

so Hamlet said farewell
to his weekly stipend

and the cop at the gate.

After that, Mark worked at home.

Here I'd been living
a well-polished but dull life.

Things were less dull after my
writer started writing at home.

It was nice to have
another man around the house.

By the night before Christmas,

he'd been working on
the serious story for months

and it was only half-done,

but it was coming along
real great.

This stinks!

The more I type,

the more I wonder if
he could ever write.

Now miss Maude, you know Mr.
Mark can write.

Didn't he just write a
hit for Jane Russell?

This story is not what
made that picture a hit.

I love her pictures. Don't you?

I despise all gorgeous women
with gorgeous figures,

especially when
they're gorgeous.

Hey, woman of distinction,

I thought you gave up drinking.

I only say that when I'm loaded.

When I sober up, I come to
my senses and get loaded.

Here's to you, junior.

Don't call me junior...

Or I'll cancel your mambo
lessons at Arthur Murray's!

Uh, excuse me.

I'm sorry.

Oh, excuse me.

Mr. Christopher.

You dropped this.

Oh, would you put it up
there for me, please?

Thank you.

Thanks for picking it up.

It's Christmas.

Do you mind if I come in?

Why didn't you use your key?

I hadn't thought of that.

My, my.

We're still Christmas shopping

like we're still
employed, aren't we?

Well, our financial condition
will be vastly improved

by the completion of our script.

Eh, Maude?

How did you like the new scene
where they get married?

How did you like the new
scene where they meet?

Hey, you got a date
in minutes.

You'd better get into
your space suit.

Can I have the rest of
the night off, boss?

Sure.

Don't forget your
Christmas present.

You may have just earned it.

A girl can always use
another mink coat.

"Merry Christmas to Maude."

Oh, now that's clever writing.

Thanks.

You give mother my best.

By the way, how is she?

Still hoping somebody will
give me a man for Christmas.

How does it look?

Looks like there
ain't no Santa Claus.

Well, merry Christmas
to you both.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

I heard you.

As you said,

I've got a date with a girl.

Chicken.

There ain't no Santa Claus.

I'm convinced your secretary
has no taste in men.

Well, she usually has
good taste in scripts.

Ah, forget it.

She's just got
the Christmas blues.

Ah, Christmases aren't
what they used to be.

Remember when we
were in the Navy?

That Christmas on Guam?

Aren't you ever going
to get out of the Navy?

My happiest days.

I thought Yale was.

Dear old Yale, my happiest days.

What were yours?

Oh, when I thought Hollywood
thought I could write something

besides escapist stuff.

Don't sell it short.

Who else can write for
Fred Astaire like you?

And that must be Fred now!

Oh, sorry, the Christmas party
must be down the hall.

Hey, wait a minute!

I'm Hanlon, police department.

Remember?

Oh, of course, sergeant Hanlon.

You were technical advisor on the
private eye and the chorus girl.

The same.

Who's he?

He's Virgil.

What does Virgil do here?

He works for Mark. He's Mark's...

Right hand.

His man Friday, his Dr. Watson,

his Boswell, his Rochester,

like ham and eggs I am.

The main thing I do is listen
to his ideas, when he had them.

Where did he ever get
a guy like this?

In the Navy.

I was his commanding officer.

Is that the bar?

Yes, and that's the liquor
in the bottles.

Don't mind him. He's off duty.

Well, I'll tell
Mark you're here.

Tell him we got a present for him.
Ain't we, Monty?

I think the whole idea smells.

Present? Hey, Mark
will appreciate that.

He should. It's a girl.

A what?

When I was working
at the studio,

Mark used to talk about

an idea he had for
a serious story...

About a juvenile delinquent.

Said he'd like to talk to some

of these -, -year-old
kids we pick up.

Well, I'll go down
and get his present.

We got her handcuffed
to the steering wheel.

We want to make
sure she's comfortable.

Drink a lot of coffee,
don't you?

Only black.

It's the cream and
sugar that hurts you.

Where's Isabella's present?

Well..hello there.

Hi.

I don't think we've met.

That's because you
never saw me before.

Detective sergeant Maizel.

I'm Sam Hanlon's buddy.

Oh. How's Sam?

Still the same.

Still in homicide?

No, he switched to vice.

You meet a livelier
class of people.

Sam just went downstairs. Got a
Christmas present for you in the car.

Just what you need.

Christmas present for me?

Sam shouldn't have done that.

No. We didn't get
anyone for him.

Hollywood home
for wayward girls.

Hollywood home for... Virgil.

Is Mark there?

Our song.

Hello, Isabella.
I'm just leaving.

If you can tear yourself away

from the snorkel commander,

I'd like to remind you, Mark,

this is not one of those
Hollywood buffet dinners.

We're sitting down
promptly at : .

Put in a good word for me
with the assistant Butler.

Maybe he'll sneak me in
through his pantry.

Let me go! Let me go,
you dirty...

Let me go!

How are you, Mark?

Hello, Sam.

Mark, meet Susan Landis.

Where is she?

Take it easy, kid!

I had to tell her my
grandmother lived here.

It was the only way I could
get her out of the car.

You liar! You double-crosser!

Communist!

Come... come here, you!

No, you don't!

Mark? Mark,
are you listening to me?

No!

Mark! Mark!

Oh, Isabella, I'm just leaving.

Are you having a Christmas
party without me?

Party? Of course not, honey.

I'm giving Virgil his
Christmas present.

I'm just leaving.

Sam, what is this?

Remember that time at the studio
we were talking about girls?

He's giving her to
you for Christmas.

Uh-huh, I knew this
was a frame-up!

Nobody's given me to anybody,

for Christmas or new
year's or any other time!

Easy, Susie!

She's the character
in your delinquent movie.

Oh, no...

Not the "I'm gonna get you
in the movies" routine!

There's no such movie.

There will be, if you use her.

What could I possibly
use her for?

Yeah, what?

I pass.

Research!

Look, you talk to her tonight,

and by tomorrow,
you got a story!

And you've been doing
it the hard way.

Are you the boss here, mister?

Well, I've got my name on the
lease, if that's what you mean.

Well, do I get out or don't I?

You sure do, honey.

You and me both.

Come on.

Now, where do you live?

She don't...

Unless you call a
reformatory living.

- Reformatory?
- What did she do?

Hit a sailor over the head

with a beer bottle.

Hit a sailor?

Maybe she was trying
to launch him.

Where was the shore patrol?

Who do you think she hit?

He had it coming to him!

Well, as an old seafaring
man, I agree with you.

Now, Sam, this is very
thoughtful of you,

but I'm working on another
script right now.

Be a good boy, will you,

and take this kid
home to her mother?

Who knows from her mother?

She took a powder,

ran off with some guy.

That's all we can
get out of the kid.

So she's a juvenile delinquent.

No folks, no relatives.

The state's gonna keep her
locked up until she's old enough

to drink what's in
the beer bottle.

Hmm. Susan, how old are you?

.

See you boys later.

She'll be next June.

It's only months.

Come to see us
when you graduate.

Gee, Mark, I was just trying
to do the decent thing.

I didn't think it
was right for a kid

to spend Christmas
in jail, that's all.

See? I told you
the whole idea smelled!

Sam figured you'd take her in

so we could say we didn't pick her
up until the day after Christmas.

Yeah. Come on, kid.

You're not wanted.

Sam.

Wait a minute.

Maybe Maude could
take care of her.

What bar do you suggest I call?

How about Maude’s mother?

- Same question.
- Same question.

I know, stop joking.

Who's Maude?

Maude is my secretary, female.

Maude's got to
come home sometime.

All right, Sam, I'll have
Maude take care of her.

Aw, gee, thanks, Mark.

Susie? You're gonna
have a nice Christmas.

Now you be a good girl and don't make
any trouble for Maude, you hear?

We'll pick you up
the day after tomorrow.

Just blow the siren.
I'll be waiting.

Remember, you guys,
she's underage.

Lay one hand on her and
that's all, brother.

Well, wait till you
taste my crepe suzettes.

OK, Susan, come on.

Come on in, make
yourself at home.

Old salt will rush you
some chow and phone Maude,

and then... crepe suzettes?

Virgil!

Virgil! Virgil!

I suppose old salt's
gone to find Maude.

You corny Hollywood wolf!

Who are you kidding
with that Maude gimmick?

If you think I'm staying
alone in a house

with a man who lives in an
apartment, you're crazy!

Quiet!

Go research someone else,
you big oaf!

Let me go, you big bully!

Put me... oh!

Merry Christmas.

Let me go!
Let me go, you big liar!

Will you let me go?

You can't get me now!

Put me down!

Let me go! Aah!

Now you listen to me,
miss Landis...

You... ohh!

Now listen to me, Susan... oww!

Now what are you planning to do?

Jump out the window.

Let me help you.

And hurry up!

I don't want to catch cold!

When they pick up my
bruised and bleeding body,

I’ll tell them...

Oh, grow up and stop
dramatizing yourself.

I'll try Maude.

I am grown-up!

Grown-up enough to know
why they brought me here.

All that guck about bringing
me here for ideas for a movie.

I'll bet you got ideas!

Young lady, the day has not
arrived when a man my age...

I don't know any men your age,

but they're probably just
as bad as any men my age!

I'm sure. They just don't
wear diapers, that's all.

And stop looking at me
like I'm Jack the ripper.

Don't forget what that cop said.

I'm underage, and don't
you lay a hand on me!

You're cold.

Would you like
something to drink?

You want to get me drunk!

Yeah, I want to get you drunk.

Loaded. Pie-eyed. Stinking!

Tight as a hoot owl!

High as a kite! Blind as a bat!

Now do you feel safer?

Christmas Eve.

Good samaritan rides again.

You get so dramatic
about everything.

You ought to be an actress.

I am an actress!

I loved you in the outlaw.

I never played that part.

Oh, you didn't.

Did you ever see Peter Pan?

With Maude Adams,
Eva le Gallienne,

Betty Bronson, or Walt Disney?

No, with Susan Landis,

at San Fernando
valley sunset high.

That one I missed,
thank goodness.

The school paper said,

"Susan Landis was
utterly captivating."

I believe it, tinker bell.

I, too, have been utterly
captivated by the versatility

of your histrionic performance.

Histronomic?

You know, I'd forgotten
what -year-old,

emotional kids are like.

I've been going out
with middle-aged women.

, .

You talk like a writer.

I just don't write
like a writer.

You don't look like a writer.

That's because I've
done so much writing.

While we're waiting, would you
care to see my scrapbooks?

Is that like etchings?

Better!

Oh, I got another idea.

An old cinema I wrote is
returning to haunt me tonight.

A picture you wrote?

A picture I wrote.

And now for your
Christmas Eve movie matinee,

brought to you by
Eureka used cars.

Remember Eureka on the corner
of third and central.

And now for our movie.

For the first time on television,
at this time of night,

dance, girlie, dance.

Watch the credits, you'll
see my name... Christopher.

Oh, fine, now Maude’s out.

I never heard of these actors.

You weren't born yet.

There now, you see? Written by...

"Screenplay by Rex Wallace

"and George Samuel chiles.

"Adapted from an idea
by John Augustus close,

"and story by William
and Mary Ellionius

"and Barney Z. Ogley.

Additional dialogue by..."

I didn't see your name.

Well, right after
"additional dialogue."

That was me... Mark Christopher.

You have to read fast
in pictures.

It's a guild rule.

Aren't we gonna watch it?

It's a terrible picture.

I couldn't stand to hear another
word of that dialogue, ever.

Hey, here's your name!

"By Mark Christopher."

You wrote the gob
and the geisha girl?

You wrote this?

I got this from
a lending library!

That part about the crazy
sailor and that sexy nurse,

when he was in that
crazy hospital...

Crazy!

Real nervous.

Could I?

Haven't you had any dinner?

Oh, sure. The cops
bought me hot dogs,

but they ate of them.

I'll get you some food.

Susan!

Yes?

Not in the head!

There's some milk
and cookies in the kitchen.

Hurry up, we're late.

I'm sorry about his head.

Where are we going?

We're just going. Get a move on.

Well, that's Hollywood.

A couple of years ago, I'm one of
the stars at the academy awards.

Now I'm a widescreen nutcracker.

And then I was in a musical
comedy in high school.

I met a composer who had
ulterior motives on me.

Now why can't I think
of plots like that?

Do you think a good
plot helps a story?

It sort of rounds it out.

Hey, where are we headed?

Didn't you have a date?

Yup. We're going to see
a girlfriend of mine,

and for some reason, I'm late.

She's broad-minded, isn't she?

You bringing another
woman along, I mean.

You're going to stay put
until I can find Maude.

She'll pick you up
sometime tomorrow.

Stay put where?

Here in this motel.

I've never been to a motel.

The experience will do you
good, make a woman out of you.

Merry Christmas. Yeah.

We'd like a room... for her.

How old are you, kid?

.

Merry Christmas.

There sure are a lot of
motels in Hollywood,

aren't there, Mr. Christopher?

You'd think one of them
would have a vacancy.

Not on Christmas Eve.

Well, don't worry.

Like I told you before, I
can sleep on your couch

in my clothes.

No couch.

Sleeping in your clothes
is comfortable.

You just have to get
in the right position

so the buttons don't hurt.

No couch!

Why do you want
to get rid of me?

I'm research for your movie.

No movie, and you're
sleeping here.

I'm going to a real dull dinner.

I'll doze through
the fish course

and probably catch a couple of
catnaps during the baked Alaska

and the senator's speech...

Oh, here we are.

And then if I need sleep,
I'll go to a motel.

And /'ll run away!

That's ridiculous. Hold this.

Sure, maybe it is,

but if you have to
go to a motel,

I'm causing you trouble.

And I don't want to
cause any trouble.

Just tell me where you
keep the extra blankets.

In the bedroom closet.

Where will you stay?

When I get back,
I'll try the couch.

I hate to take your bed.

No, that's all right.

I don't sleep good anywhere.

That's not healthy.
Why don't you?

No time. It takes hours a day

to write a story
and convince a girl

you're not the marrying type.

You mean you let a girl
keep you from sleeping?

It's been the policy of our
firm for a great many years.

Good night, and lock
the door behind you.

Merry Christmas,
Mr. Christopher.

Same to you, Susan.

Merry Christmas.

Oh, good evening.

Mr. Christopher!

Mr. Christopher?

Are you on your way
to keep that date?

Yes, I am. Why?

Well, I, uh, don't think
you have it anymore.

You see, the phone rang...

You didn't answer it?

Well, all I said was, "hello,"

and the other lady said...

Do you know an Isabella?

I did.

Well, after I said "hello,"

she didn't say
anything for awhile,

so I explained what I was
doing in your bedroom.

She didn't say anything
for awhile again.

Then she said a lot of things.

And she said she hoped you and I

had a very nice Christmas,

and that she was going
out for a drink

with the assistant Butler.

Are you going up or down?

It's immaterial to me.

Me, too.

Mr. Christopher? What do
assistant butlers do?

Mr. Christopher,
are you mad at me?

Night.

This is the end, Melville.

Melinda, listen to reason.

I can't. I can't
forgive you, Melville.

Ooh, you and that woman!

I told you, Melinda,

it was just one of those things.

I love you.

Get out! Get out!

All right.
That's the way you want it.

Melinda, crying: That's
the way I want it.

Melinda, you're crying.

Melinda, sobbing: No, I'm not!

Melinda, my love,

we'll go away.

The riviera.

Oh, Melville.
I'm so happy...

So happy, happy.

Great additional dialogue, huh?

I thought you'd gone to bed.

I'm afraid to go to bed.

Well, what are you afraid of?

I'm afraid I'll fall asleep.

Here, put this on.

I don't like to play
cards with a girl

unless she's nice and warm.

Cards.

We'll play gin rummy until
you feel you can trust me.

I don't play gin rummy.

Canasta?

No.

OK. I'll teach you
how to play gin.

What do we play for?

We'll just play.

Why don't we play for who gets the
bedroom and who sleeps out here?

All right.

What if it's a tie?

You start this game by dealing
cards to each player.

Well, here it is Christmas.

Christmas in Hollywood is no different
from Christmas all over the world.

It's a day of peace.

And now, hold my
hand, sung by Don Cornell.

J so this is
the kingdom of heaven ♪

♪ so this is the sweet
promised land ♪

♪ while angels tell of love,
don't break the spell of love »

♪ hold my hand ♪

♪ so this is
the garden of Eden ♪

♪ in dreams,
it was never so grand ♪

♪ let's never leave again,
Adam and Eve again ♪

♪ hold my hand ♪

♪ this is the secret
of what bliss is ♪

♪ for bliss is
what your kiss is ♪

♪ at last I understand ♪

♪ so this is
the kingdom of heaven ♪

♪ and here on the threshold
we stand ♪

♪ pass through the portal now,
we'll be mortal now ♪

♪ hold my hand ♪

hello?

Not you again.
When did you get back?

Oh, I've been here all night.

Isabella, yelling: Let me speak to Mr.
Christopher!

Shh! He's still asleep. We were
up pretty late playing games.

What?

Card games. I beat him
straight at gin rummy.

Oh, if you'll excuse me now,
my eggs are scrambling.

Bye, Isabella.

Yes?

How do you want
your scrambled eggs?

Scrambled.

Good, because that's
the way I made them.

We're eating on the porch.

In case you woke up and
wanted to make pie crust?

Well, you're a man, aren't you?

There's a nasty rumor
to that effect, yes.

Let's eat.

No. Please.

I don't think you'll
need this anymore.

OK, let's forget you're
a man and I'm a woman.

OK, you be the man,
I'll be the woman.

You know, for a man,
you make pretty good coffee.

Oh, anybody can cook.

That's what my
mother always said.

You made coffee for your mother?

Whenever she had a hangover.

Oh, don't get me wrong. She
didn't always drink a lot.

You have to understand.

My mom was more like my
girlfriend than my mother.

She was only when
I was born... my age.

Eggs?

Mom always seemed so...

Mom always seemed
so young to me,

but I guess she isn't,
really. She's .

That's old?

Isn't it?

I'm older than that.

Older than ?

, but don't kick it around.

I tell everybody I'm .

Tell me more about your mother, like
why she ran away with that fellow.

After pop died, she tried real hard
to support me, waiting tables.

It was just tough luck that all the
men she ever met were phonies.

Who's the phony
she ran away with?

He's no phony.
He's the real thing.

He must be, running off with your
mother, leaving you like this.

I made them do it.

You did what?

He had to go to Peru
on a construction job,

and they wanted me
to go, but I figured,

"some honeymoon,
with a kid along."

In a marriage, you got to
get off to the right start.

I know she'll be happy.

Well, didn't mom worry about
what might happen to you?

Oh, sure, but I fixed that, too.

I told her I was going
to marry George,

the boy I went
through school with.

She liked him.

She left me her written consent
to marry whenever I wanted.

I'm a minor, you know.

Oh, yes, I believe that
was mentioned last night.

I like George, too, but
I'm not in love with him.

I don't believe in
marriage without love.

Do you?

No, no.

Oh, no, no, in... in marriage,

you got to get off
to a right start.

Well, you'll be the only girl on the
prison farm getting mail from Peru.

Save the stamps
for me, will you?

If you're calling Maude, tell her...
Tell her not to hurry.

I mean, I have a lot
of dishes and things to do.

OK, there's the kitchen.
Start doing.

Yes, sir.

Oh, no, captain, not yet.
I'm not slept out.

Merry Christmas, coward, and how are
the crepe suzettes coming along?

All right, I'm fired.

You're hired again.

Borrow some clothes
from Harvey's daughter...

She's about the same size as
Susan... bring the clothes and Harvey

over here right away, hmm?

Who needs a lawyer
on Christmas day?

Or did junior miss use
her beer bottle on Maude?

Maude never got here.

Never got there?

Susan slept here.

I know who needs
a lawyer Christmas day.

Now, don't make a move
until I get there.

Don't even talk.
Your phone may be tapped.

And wipe your fingerprints off... off
everything. And think up a fast alibi.

You know who that is?

Well, if it's Isabella, she certainly
doesn't look like she sounds.

She's beautiful.

That's Isabella,
and she is beautiful.

But then, most women are
beautiful in one way or another.

That's what makes it
so difficult.

Makes what so difficult?

Marrying the right one.

What's so hard about that?

Well, if man can't find
all beauty in one woman,

does he settle for the beauty
he can see with his eyes,

or is beauty within
more important?

Am I talking like a writer?

Mmm, but I like it.

This is you, Susan.
You're beautiful within.

You sacrificed your happiness
for someone else's.

You talk like a writer. I'd
settle for beauty you could see.

I'd like to pass street
corners and get passed at.

Nobody even whistles at me,
except George, that is.

You know, I'd like to get a dye
job and a facial like her.

Isabella's a natural blonde.

You sure?

We're very good friends.
She told me.

Oh. Well.

If I was dressed like her... real
George, cool, all gone, low cut...

You know, clothes that
are really with it... hey.

Merry Christmas, Susan.

Isn't this what
you were giving her?

That was last Christmas
Eve... long time ago.

Open it.

I don't think I should take another
woman's present, but I will.

Oh, no, I won't.
Not this, Mr. Christopher.

Go ahead. Isabella has a
whole closet full of mink...

One in every color
from every husband.

A mink.

A real mink?

Mm-hmm. That's for
being a good cook.

Imagine, me in a mink.

You know, Mr. Christopher, some
girls will do anything for a mink.

Yeah, I've heard.

And now, Susan, you're the
perfect combination for any man.

Beauty within
and beauty without.

There, you got your whistle. Now
go look at yourself in the mirror.

Mr. Christopher.

Yes?

I can't look in the mirror.

Why not?

If I see myself in it,
I'll never take it off.

Then, never take it off.

Be out of place where I'm going,

but thanks, Mr. Christopher.

I've never been so happy, and thank you for
the whistle, too, even if you didn't mean it.

I meant every pucker.

Mr. Christopher, would
you like me to kiss you?

Why?

Because you gave me a mink.

Absolutely not. Wasn't
that kind of mink.

Would you like to kiss me?

Why?

Because it's Christmas.

I've never been kissed
under a mistletoe.

Well, that's, uh,
that's different.

Researching?

Look, Harvey, no hands.

Leave him alone. He's overage.

Here's the dress.

Susan.

Susan, here.

Another present?

Put it on.

Yeah. Don't forget your feet.

Well, it's, uh, about
time you got here.

Sorry I kept you waiting.

How would you like
your daughter to spend

the next months in jail
with hardened criminals?

Mmm, might do her good.

We've had a lot of
trouble with Miriam,

ever since she tried to
join a college fraternity.

Now, every law has a loophole.

What can we do, Harvey?
She's a nice kid.

You and Isabella can adopt her,
if you don't tell Isabella.

Look, Mark.

Stray juveniles who get picked up by
cops are wards of the juvenile court.

If they get picked up for conking
people with beer bottles,

that's a criminal charge.

They get sent to a prison farm.

months, case closed,
quod erat demonstrandum.

Where's the black coffee?

You and me both. Come on.

Now, stop acting like a lawyer.
Use your brain.

What about vagrancy?

It's all right, for
those who like it.

But suppose I can get the cops to
forget about the beer bottle charge

and just book her on vagrancy?

It's a much less serious offense,
but it's still a criminal charge...

Same result... unless she can prove
a visible means of support.

What if I tell the court I'll
be responsible for her support?

Any judge who starts handing
out -year-old chicks

to -year-old bachelors will
become president next election.

Of course, you could fool the
court by marrying the girl

and supporting her
on what you haven't got.

And that reminds me.

This Christmas morning
lecture on jurisprudence

will cost you an extra fee,

which you haven't got.

I'll get it.

Please. You work here.

Oh, Sam! Sam, come in.
Merry Christmas.

Just the lad I want to see.

Where's the kid?

Say, about Susan and that
beer bottle charge...

No, no charge.

Shore patrol got big-hearted.

She'll be booked on a vagrancy.

Oh, great.

Where is she? I got
to take her in now.

Now? You said tomorrow.

Eh, it's all my partner's fault.

He spilled the beans about the
kid's Christmas vacation.

Captain heard about it this morning.
Boy, did he hit the ceiling.

But you can't take
her in now, uh...

Sam... Sam, you were right. There's
a great story in this girl.

I just need time to develop it.

The old man don't know
from developing.

He wants the kid
brought in today.

Where's she at, Maude’s?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She's at Maude’s.

Well, call Maude, tell her
to bring the kid right over.

What I mean is, she's on the way
to Maude’s. Virgil is taking her.

Virgil?

Yeah.

You trust that little
girl with Virgil?

What was that?

Georgette making coffee.

She sure shook
the joint doing it.

Come to think of it,
I don't trust Virgil, either.

You better hurry up
to Maude’s right away, huh?

Hello?

Answering your own
phone for a change?

What happened to the -year-old
cardsharp with the goo-goo voice?

If you mean me, I'm still here.

Get off the phone!

Not until I have
a word with you.

I didn't mean you, I meant you.

Sam!

What is it, Sam?
You want something?

Just a cup of Georgette's
java to steady my nerves.

Well, it's Christmas.

You're my guest.
I'll get the coffee.

Gee, that was fast.

Georgette has this place
beautifully organized.

Drink up.

Ah, gee. Never should have brought the
kid over here in the first place.

Time the captain gets through with me, I'll
be directing traffic at Hollywood and vine.

Oh, he can't do that to you.

Yeah? I'll wave to you
when you drive by.

Where is Maude’s place?

Beverly stage drive.

How do I know where he went?
I'm in the bedroom.

Go get him!

I can't! I'm not dressed!

Isabella, I can explain everything,
if you'll just listen.

What did he mean,
he didn't trust me?

Calm down, lieutenant.

Mark, as your attorney, I must
warn you that you are now not only

involved with a minor, but that
you have misrepresented the facts

to the police.

You lied to a cop.

Maude will take care of that.

You talk, I can't.

Maude?

I'm not sure.
I haven't looked yet.

Listen, secretary,
there's going to be

a cop knocking on your door
in about minutes.

Cop? My door? What
did I do last night?

I don't know, but when he gets
there, don't open the door.

Oh, I can't even open my eyes.

Merry Christmas, and we're going
to start a new script tomorrow.

Oh, fine... hey,
how old is this cop?

Too old for you.

What about mother?

Too young for mother.

Now, remember,
don't open the door.

I won't even look under the bed.

Again, as your attorney, I'm telling
you to get rid of the girl.

I'll take her to
the police station.

How do I look?

Nice.

Real nice.

Smell me. I borrowed
some of your Cologne.

Smells better on you.

Mark.

Susan, this is my attorney,

Harvey Butterworth.

Hi.

Go wrap up your old clothes.

We're leaving.

Do what he says, Susan.

Sure, Mr. Christopher.

I wish you could have heard
her this morning, Harvey.

She's got a lot of character
for such a youngster.

Maybe so, but you've
got no choice, Mark.

Virgil suggested one.
I could marry her.

You can't marry this girl, Mark.

Why, I've got
a daughter her age.

I'll get a lawyer
with an older daughter.

Didn't you say it was
the prison farm,

unless she could show
visible means of support?

Ask your new lawyer.

I get it.

Listen, Harriet Beecher Stowe,

I know you probably
need an ending

for this great epic you're
going to write about Susan,

but you don't have to live it.

Mark, for her, it will
only be months in jail,

but for you, it can
be a lifetime.

Even if you get a quick divorce,

have you thought of alimony?

This is California...
Community property.

Fine, we'll share
joint custody of Oscar.

What are we running a fever for?

He can't marry her.

Why not?

... Isabella will sh**t you
down with her skeet g*n.

Oh, Isabella's too tall for me.

... there's a -day
waiting law in this state.

Ever heard of Nevada?

... she's underage. Can't marry
without parent's consent.

Take it easy, both of you guys.

She's got her mother's
consent in black and white.

I'll just tide her over the
holidays, keep her out of jail.

Won't be a real marriage,
just an expedient.

We've all forgotten
one thing... the bride.

A girl with all the character
you claim she's got

isn't going to hop into holy matrimony
with a stranger she only met...

I'll go find those cops.

Thanks for a very
nice Christmas.

Susan.

Susan.

I listened.

Nobody has to marry me
because I'm an...

I'm an expedient.

Susan, all I meant was...

When I get married,
Mr. Christopher,

it has to be the biggest
day in my life.

Like I told you, I don't believe

in marriage without
love, on both sides.

If you had asked me for real,
I would have said that...

Don't forget to take the cake
out of the oven in minutes.

Character she's got.

We'll be back tomorrow.

From where?

- Las Vegas.
- Las Vegas.

Remind me to take that wedding
cake out of the oven.

He can't be serious.

Oh, he's serious, and he'll
convince her he's serious,

and she'll take him serious, and
he'll start writing serious,

and we'll all be
in serious trouble.

I don't believe it. Even my
psychiatrist won't believe it.

If I may quote, "it's easier to fall in
love in hours than it is in months."

Who said that?

Me.

They said my partner was here.

He'll be back. Merry Christmas.

There's the bar. Help yourself.

Where do you keep the milk?

My captain just
gave me an ulcer.

In the kitchen.

Hello.

Hello, Louella?

Yes.

This is Virgil.

Merry Christmas.

Oh, merry Christmas to you, too.

Thank you.

I have a present for you.

My, how nice.

You know that scoop you've been
after about Mark and Isabella?

You bet I do.

Well, he's finally
getting married,

and he wants you to be
the first to know.

Well, lucky Isabella.

No, not to Isabella.

What? Well, who on earth?

She's a debutante from Virginia.

Susan Beauregard Landis.

Landis? I don't recall...

You know, the Virginia Landises?

The tobacco people.

She's the beautiful cigarette
heiress, just graduated from Vassar.

Landis? L-a-n-d-I-s?

What a scoop.

Virginia debutante weds Hollywood's
most eligible bachelor

while Pasadena burns.

When's the wedding?

Tonight in Vegas.

That's pretty fast work.

Yes. Yes, I guess you might say
it was a whirlwind courtship.

I don't mind
the whirlwind courtship,

it's that joint custody of me
I'm worried about.

It's kind of past
my bedtime, you know.

Well, you're a...

You're a mad woman.
I can dance all night.

Had enough dancing?

Me? No, I'm just
getting started.

Some honeymoon, eh?

When I start, I can't stop.

Good morning, Sylvester.

Good morning, Mr. Christopher.

Say, would you open my door?
There's a key in my pocket.

Sure, Mr. Christopher.

I won her in Vegas.

Did you say "Vegas"?

I rolled straight passes.

Well, thanks.

Did you do everything
I asked you to do...

Tell Maude about the cabin?

Sure, I'm Virgil,
the human switchboard.

You woke me up, so I
woke everybody else.

Well, how was Las Vegas?

Did you tell Maude to
bring her typewriter?

Carbon, paper,
ribbons, erasers...

She's loaded for a bear.
How was Las Vegas?

Did you tell her
to bring warm clothes?

She knows about the snow.
How was Las Vegas?

- You wouldn't believe it.
- I'll try.

Night before last, I slept
on this sofa all night.

All night last night, I danced.
My feet are k*lling me.

I tried.
Cut it out, will you?

Good morning, Mr. Mark.

Is it true what
Louella Parsons says?

Georgette,
make a big pot of coffee.

It's true!

What did Louella say?

"All Hollywood,
except this columnist,

"was taken by surprise
this morning

"when Mark Christopher, one
of our better comedy writers,

"a -year-old nonprofessional
from the San Fernando valley.

"They were introduced
by the vice squad

of the Los Angeles
police department."

Mark, so help me, I was
as surprised as you are.

When I read it,
my tattoo turned over.

I wanted to explain it to Isabella
before it got in the papers.

Safer you should write the baby-faced
k*ller a letter from big bear.

Any suggestions what to say?

Well, George Washington's farewell
address to his troops always plays.

Let Georgette get it.

Yeah, especially if it's Isabella, out
for early morning target practice.

Come on. We've got to talk.

Georgette, take good care
of Susan, will you?

She's going to stay here, and I'll
be back in a couple of months.

Aren't you going on a honeymoon?

His feet can't take it.
Better answer the door.

For the bride.

For the groom.

We made a package deal.

Well, thank you.

Would you mind
telling me who you are?

We're the bridesmaids
from the vice squad.

Oh, yes! I read
about you gentlemen.

Come in.

The bride's here.

The groom stepped out
for a couple of months.

Congratulations,
Mr. Christopher.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

I'm still available.

Forget about the neighbors.

Just being neighborly.

Now, you just
take care of Susan.

See that she eats right
and gets plenty of sleep.

Get her some clothes,
a lot of clothes.

Poor kid's probably never had
anything decent to wear.

Let her enjoy life
a couple of months

before Harvey draws up
the annulment papers.

When I get back, maybe we
can get her a job. Here.

Heave anchor.

Oh, miss Isabella.

Miss Isabella?

Yes?

Mr. Mark is out.

Lucky for him.

Uh, can I be
of assistance, ma'am?

Thank you. I have a few old,
tired mementos to retrieve.

These gentlemen
are friends of Mr. Mark's

from the vice squad.

Oh, how nice! My favorite squad.

I believe I read about you
in this morning's paper.

Having fun playing cupid?

Aw, shucks, ma'am.
It was nothin'...

Just a little idea of mine
that happened to pan out.

Oh, I am sorry,

but they were flat
anyway, weren't they?

Let's stop, darling.

My feet hurt.

Oh, you're...

Your husband's fiancee.

How did you get in here?

I was just going
to ask you the same thing.

I live here!

Mark and I are married!

Really?

I adore your negligee.

So original.

You must show me the
rest of your trousseau,

before you leave.

What makes you think
I'm leaving?

I thought you'd want
to spend your honeymoon

with the groom,
and he's already left.

Where is he?

If this were my honeymoon,

I'd know... exactly.

Mark!

Mark?

The party's over, Cinderella.

I'll see that you get a ticket
to Reno and enough cash

to make you the
belle of skid row.

Sergeant Hanlon,
where is my husband?

I don't know, Susie...

I mean, uh, heh,
Mrs. Christopher.

"Mrs. Christopher"?

Well, as Mrs. Christopher,
is this my house?

Half of it.
It's community property.

Well, she's standing on my half.

Would you kindly throw
her out of my half?

My father is senator
Rufus d. Alexander.

You'll still have to leave.

You'll have to carry me out.

Hold my cheese sandwich!

The senator will
have you broken!

Ha! A democrat!

He's got his own troubles.

Oh! Enough of this!

Put me down!

I can't hear you, lady.
I got flat feet.

Isabella! What are you
doing up there?

Wishing I were a republican.

Don't forget this.

Put me down, you big oaf!

You'll hear about this!

Which way to sun valley?

All right, all right. What's
she got to gripe about?

He married her, didn't he?

She's just worried
about the next census.

Look, the guy gave her his name so
she wouldn't have to wear a number.

She's sitting pretty.

That's not why he married me.

Did he tell you he loved you?

He didn't have to.

I could tell.

I could tell!

What is this, lieutenant...
A Navy court marshal...

Or do you just like
to pick on little girls?

I made breakfast
for Mrs. Christopher.

Well, I don't think Mrs.
Christopher's very hungry.

Oh? Something wrong?

Yeah. You can put the
eggs back in the shells.

OK.

Well, I'm off to
the winter wonderland.

One for the road.

Get a script out of him.

Let's salvage something
out of this marriage.

I can handle a writer.

I just hope you can
handle a writer's bride.

She'll be fine.
I'll get her a playpen

and a two-month supply
of comic books.

You can read them yourself!

Well, if raggedy Ann
isn't here again.

Don't you ever get tired
of changing clothes?

I'm tired of being pushed
around, but I guess you're not.

You're a big nothing! You
and your crew cut haircut

and your sailor talk and
your crepe Suzette...

Are you all through?

Yes!

No!

Who needs you? Not Mark!

He's got a cook to cook and
a secretary to secretary!

You can stick around in a phony job
he made up for you, but not me!

I'm not going to be
a phony wife!

Now, are you all through?

I sure am, and don't
try to stop me!

Me?

Stop you?

Susan! Listen to me!

Su...

Well, who are you?

I'm bigger than you are, Susan!

Now, leave me alone!

Let me go!

After I've talked to you
like a mother.

What do you know
about motherhood?

I happen to have typed the
script to Stella Dallas.

Georgette, this is
Mrs. Christopher.

Good morning!

You ready for breakfast now?

I wouldn't leave
on an empty stomach.

If I were you,
I wouldn't leave at all.

Don't make the same
mistake I did.

You? When?

Years ago...

Back home in north Dakota.

I ran out on a man
I was crazy about,

just because I thought
he was a little crazy.

That figures.

Your husband's better
than crazy. He's a writer!

And you'll be just another
story to him, Susie,

unless you love him enough to
stay and put the ending on it.

Don't let the senator's
daughter write the fade-out!

Oh, get me. Heh!

I'm ready for TV.

Get me my skis, son.
I got to mush.

Have you had breakfast, miss...

Snodgrass.

No, I didn't have
a chance, honey.

I... I dashed out of bed to saks
for these arctic typing clothes.

Georgette,

will you warm up
my old breakfast

and make a new one
for miss snodgrass?

Yes, ma'am!

Thank you, Mrs. Christopher!

Wouldn't want you to leave
on an empty stomach.

Oscar, voice-over:
While my writer was away,

his bride did a little
spring cleaning

and, uh, "sprung" these
rare old documentaries.

Old home movies are great,

but not when there's
a new wife in the old home.

Ah, Mrs. Christopher.

How'd you do today?

That's wonderful.

Yesterday, you were
thrown times.

Well, if it isn't Annie Oakley.

Hey, I got to talk to you.

I'm late for my golf lesson.

If you can find time in
your Olympic game schedule,

I'd appreciate
an hour tomorrow...

Say, between skin diving
and push-ups,

or if that's not convenient, between
the discus throw and the high hurdles?

Harvey wants to see you.

What does he want me for?

Oh, uh, just the joint
income tax return.

You have to sign.

OK.

Aren't you wasting your time?

It takes more than
sports to make a wife.

Anything that society
girl can do, I can do.

Her golf score isn't
why he went with her.

Why don't you tell me
which mountain

Daniel Boone is hiding behind?

Uh-uh. Nothing doing.

Mark's coming along
great on the story.

No interruptions.

If I find out where he is...

I'll interrupt him... but good!

Attagal, Susie!

I'm proud to be your mother!

Dracula's daughter.

Oh, Isabella, what is this?

Don't you like it?

Why, they told me
this is the type

you're marrying this season...

Real gone!

That's a very bad imitation
of a very nice kid.

I can be a very nice kid, too.

Got any references?

Why did you really come up here?

To tell you I understand
and I forgive you.

You earned your merit badge.

You kept the juvenile
delinquent out of jail.

Now let's talk about the future,

if mother Hubbard
will excuse us?

Hubba-hubba! Good-bye, script.

Wait a minute, Maude.

Isabella, we haven't any future.
We never did have.

All right, Mark.

I did want to make
one last attempt.

I'm sorry I made fun
of your wife.

Good luck on the story.

Wait.

Don't go away upset.

We're both grown-up.
Let's act that way.

I'd better leave.

Don't leave
till after breakfast.

Maude will whip something up.

You don't really
want me to stay.

Yes, I do.

We both do, don't we, Maude?

Come on, Isabella.
Stay for breakfast.

Here you are, Susan.

Just sign on the dotted line.

All the copies.

Joint income tax papers?

These are the annulment papers.

Just sign here.

Annulment papers?

Mark made you a free woman,

now you're making
him a free man.

Just a simple little
annulment, Susan.

And since you and Mark
aren't really married...

But we are married.

We drove to Las Vegas and came
back with a wedding license.

You're lucky.

Usually people don't
come back with anything.

Susan, you don't understand.

I understand.

Mark wants a divorce,

and you're just calling
it a fancy name.

I wish that were true,

but it happens that Mark
can't get a divorce.

He can't? Why not?

Because you and Mark
were never...

Alone together.

Uh, if you'll just sign here.

Thank you for the
pen I'm not using.

Tell my husband
I'm a married woman.

I expect to stay unannulled

until I'm divorced.

Now what do we do?

I don't know about you,

but I gotta go pick Miriam up.

She's my daughter, you know.

I think she's living in a
tent on the -yard line.

And then, I've got
to see my psychiatrist.

Yes, miss?

Mrs.

And I'll have a bowl
of strawberries,

a glass of milk,
and a side order

of mixed pickles.

Strawberries...

Milk...

A side order of...?

Pickles.

Anything wrong?

You want strawberries
and pickles for breakfast?

Mixed pickles. A lot of them.

Yes, miss.

Mrs!

Here you are, miss.

I just love strawberries

and mixed pickles for breakfast,

don't you?

This just isn't my day.

I'm glad you called, Harvey.

Maude just left with Isabella.

I think Isabella's
going to sue me.

She broke her leg skiing.

Says Maude steered
her into a tree.

Mark. A smart client always
levels with his own lawyer.

How do you expect me to
get you an annulment?

I have leveled.

At this very moment,

I am not more than
feet away from your wife.

And she is devouring
two plates of...

Pickles and strawberries?!

Why, that's impossible.

Virgil was supposed to ta...

Virgil!

Hello?

Just a minute.

For you.

Oh, it must be my
long-distance call.

Mark?

No, unless he went to
Washington without telling me.

Hello?

Oh, yes, operator.

Keep trying, I'll wait.

I brought the annulment
papers with me.

Ready to sign?

Please, I'm lighting
a cigarette.

Are you being fair to Mark?

Is Mark being fair to me?

A girl's entitled to make
one pass at her husband

before he annuls her.

All right, operator.
Call me back.

What do you think you're
doing, tobacco heiress?

I told you.

Smoking.

When did you break training?

A girl looks older
when she smokes.

Are you sure it's dead?

Hi, sailor boy!

Hi, Susie!

Hi, Maude!

How are you, Susan?

Fine.

Hey! You look older.

- I've been smoking.
- You've been smoking.

- Cut it out.
- Cut it out.

Did you come down alone?

No, just dropped a friend of
mine off at the hospital.

Remind me not to send flowers.

Not Mark.

Oh, no! No, Mark's fine.

The script's fine,
everything's fine!

Any minute now, his
bright and smiling face

should be coming
through that door.

Mark coming home?

I better change into
something more feminine.

Welcome home!

It's been mighty
dull with you away.

Virgil!

Virgil, look here.

Virgil, are you all right?

Yes, go on, Mr. Butterworth.

You were talking
about your daughter.

Your relationship
with her hasn't improved

since you undertook psychiatry.

Only in that she doesn't
talk to me anymore.

What does her mother say?

She blames everything
on those u.C.L.A. Boys.

I wouldn't care if
he was in the middle of

a seance with
Arthur Conan Doyle,

he's my attorney,
I have to see him.

Oh, there you are.

I tried to stop him, doctor.

It's all right, miss Sterling.

Hello, Mark.

Hi.

You'll forgive me
if I don't get up,

but this couch costs
me bucks an hour.

Where are those annulment papers?
I'll make her sign.

That's what I get for marrying
a child in the first place.

I hate to say I told you so,

but I told you so.

Why did you marry a child
in the first place?

Oh, Dr. Rawley, this
is Mark Christopher.

He's a writer.

Glad to meet you, doctor.

Mr. Christopher.

Why did you get married?

Oh, it's a long story.

Those annulment papers, Harvey.

I never hear any other kind.

Well, it was like this, I...

Go ahead. I'll put it on my tab.

Well, I married this child
to keep her out of jail.

She was just a kid in trouble,

she didn't mean a thing to me.

You know what I did
when I saw Virgil?

I slugged him!

I was never so mad in my life.

- Virgil? Why?
- Virgil?

His best friend,
his wife's chaperone.

Chaperone? Ohhh.

You were quite angry
when you "slugged" him...

Quite angry? I blew my top.

Naturally. You were jealous.

Jealous?! Jealous of what?

Your best friend. And your wife.

You should see an
ear doctor, doctor.

I said she wasn't a
wife, she was a child.

You don't act
like she's a child.

Well how, may I ask, ami acting?

Like a jealous man.

Like a husband who's
in love with his own wife!

Of course, it is abnormal
that he doesn't know it.

Abnormal!

Me, abnormal?

Let's get something
straight, doctor.

I don't love anybody.
I don't love anybody!

Why don't we lie down
and talk it over?

Be my guest.

Don't be ridiculous, Dr.
Rawley.

How can I love her?
She's a delinquent kid.

You seem to be a delinquent
husband, Mr. Christopher.

You've been gone a long time.

Why don't you see her?

Oh, I'll see her, all right.

I'll give her back to those
cops tied in ribbons.

♪ So this is
the kingdom of heaven ♪

♪ so this is the sweet
promised land ♪

♪ when angels tell of love ♪

♪ don't break the spell
of love ♪

♪ hold my hand ♪

♪ so this is
the garden of Eden ♪

♪ in dreams,
it was never so grand ♪

♪ let's never leave again ♪

♪ Adam and Eve again ♪

♪ hold my hand ♪

♪ this is ♪

♪ the secret ♪

♪ of what bliss is ♪

♪ for bliss ♪

♪ is what your kiss is ♪

♪ at last I understand ♪

♪ so this is
the kingdom of heaven ♪

♪ and here on the threshold
we stand ♪

♪ pass through the portal now ♪

♪ we'll be immortal now ♪

♪ hold my hand ♪

Oh, it's you.

Excuse me.

♪ So this is
the kingdom of heaven ♪

♪ and here on the threshold
we stand ♪

♪ pass through the portal now ♪

♪ we'll be immortal now ♪

♪ hold my hand ♪

♪ hold ♪

♪ my?

♪ Hand ♪

Oh, it's you.

You said that.

Would you mind telling
me why you refuse

to sign those annulment
papers for Harvey?

Because Harvey isn't the man

who asked me to marry him.

All right, Susan.

I'm asking you.

You shouldn't make decisions
on an empty stomach.

You must be hungry.

No thanks.

I'm up to here in
strawberries and pickles.

Strawberries and pickles?

You like them, too?

If the pickles are mixed.

Me, too. Everybody
thinks I'm crazy,

but when my mother
was carrying me,

she had a yen for them
and never got over it.

I picked up the habit from her.

How long have you
been eating them?

All my life.

When my mother could
afford it, that is.

Susan, let's, uh...

Let's have some tonight.

For dessert! Hey, that's
a wonderful idea.

I've always had
them for breakfast.

Virgil!

Hi. Susan in?

Yeah!

Come in, come in.

Hello?

Is Susan in?

She's cooking dinner.

Well, don't bother her.
Just tell her good-bye.

And tell her
I took my own advice

and sent a telegram
to north Dakota.

Good-bye? North Dakota?
What's in north Dakota?

Isn't it, Oswald?

It's about time I put
old Mort out to pasture.

I've run my last script,
and it's a winner.

You'll get your Oscar.

And I've got my Oswald.

Bye, now.

Maude's left me.

So have I.

Aw, Virgil, I'm awfully sorry...

I fired myself.

Got a new job.

Well, it's not really new.

I've been trying for
some time to get back in...

Before this afternoon.

Nice to see you again, Mr.
Roberts.

How come?

Well, all my life I never had
any real feeling of security

except in college
and in the Navy.

Your happiest days.

I'm appreciative, Mark.

The job you made for me
and everything you've done.

But as a very wise
child bride pointed out,

who needs me around here?

I'm too old for college
and too young for charity.

That leaves the Navy.

Deserter.

You can send my food packages

care of the naval base at San Diego.
I'm reporting tonight.

Aye aye, sir!

Any further orders?

Yes.

Admit you accidentally
married the right girl.

I guess the Navy shouldn't
meddle in civilian affairs.

I'll say good-bye to Mrs. c.

Good-bye, Virgil.

Hi, Virgil.

Are you back in the Navy?

No, I’m in a road company
of madame butterfly.

Good-bye, Susie.

I'm leaving him in your hands.

I'm glad you didn't
sign those papers.

He's not.

I've got some
scuttlebutt for you.

He is, too.

Now get in there
and make him admit

he can't live without you.

No, it's too late now.

A woman has her pride.

But I'm not a woman!

Yet.

Mr. Christopher!
Why don't you admit

you can't live without me,
like Virgil said?

I admit it.

So do I.

Well, what do we do now?

Nothing.

Don't give me that.
I've been reading.

Books.

Nothing because I'm older.

I'm old enough
to be your mother.

I remember.
You're going on .

And you're only .

? I'll be in months.

I can climb on a horse alone,

I sh**t golf in the low s,

I belong to the best
book-of-the-week club,

I read the parts of the new
York times I can understand,

I can smoke
a cigarette half down,

and I know how to mix drinks.

Daiquiris... jiggers
of rum, half a lime,

sugar to taste, pour
over crushed ice, serve.

Martinis... parts gin,
part vermouth, French.

Stir, but don't bruise the gin.

Scotch over rocks... that's a
scotch and soda without soda.

Now, Mark, what more
do you want in a wife?

I’m a doll and you know it.

I'm too big to play with dolls.

I'm ready for
the armchair, a television,

and a small dog
to bring my slippers.

I'm a hypersensitive
hypochondriac with hypertension.

I take pills till I rattle...

Pills that put me to sleep,

pills to wake me up,

pills that remind
me to take pills!

There's no pill to make a
Benedict out of a bachelor.

Man and boy, I've
been a bachelor.

I come from a long
line of bachelors.

Toot toot! End of
the line, all out!

Do you realize that
when I'm years old,

you'll only be...

.

years, that's right.

A woman in her prime, a
woman in full flower.

And where will I be?
Over the hill!

We all have to go some time.

And when I'm ,
how old will you be?

I'll never be over .
You'll never be over .

The dangerous age.

Will you be satisfied
to stay home

and take care of a
broken-down man of ?

No, you'll want to
go out and live.

And me, I'll be just around

the corner from social security.

♪ I'm an ordinary guy
with extraordinary luck ♪

♪ cause it's Susan
who's in my career ♪

♪ and I'm tacking up a sign
on that ticker of mine ♪

♪ Susan ♪

♪ Susan ♪

♪ Susan slept here ♪