02x05 - B-E-T-T-Y

[bunniefuu]

["Winter Wonderland" playing]

- [cameraperson] Okay, camera rolling.
- [reporter] Three, two...

I'm with Kris Moreno, owner of Santapolis,

once voted Illinois's saddest
tourist attraction.

But the park has recently undergone
a magical makeover.

They're calling it
the Miracle on Dead Creek Road.

Isn't that right, Kris?

WXAM - CHICAGO
LOCAL EYEWITNESS NEWS

That's right, Jan.

Kris Moreno
Owner, Santapolis

The response
has been incredibly overwhelming,

and it actually brought my dad
and I back together.

No one knows your dad, Kris.

So, tell me, how did you pull
this magical transformation off?

I was here last year
and needed a tetanus sh*t.

Um, well, I've had some help
from a very special person.

Please, don't say your dad.

[chuckles] I wish.

Uh, actually,
it was a real-life Santa Claus.

Okay.

I went to Syracuse for this.

[Mad Santa] Actually,
the proper name is Magnus Antas.

CAL SC
SANTA TRAINING

And yes, professional talking lady,

it is I who is responsible for everything
that is fruitful and good here.

Okay. Well, speaking of changes,
I see Santa wears a vest now.

Do not question the Great One.

[gasps]

Gnomes.

All right. I-I'm gonna head to the office.

- [groans]
- [Carol] No.

You need to lie down. Come on.

Guys, the North Pole's in trouble.
We haven't got time for this.

- Let me just... [sighs]
- You don't even know what's going on.

If the North Pole is in danger,
we need to get you back to you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay.

- [Doc Martin] Oh! Oh, no!
- [Scott groans]

I... I'm too late.

- What?
- [Cal] What? No.

That's just how he looks
when he's not Santa.

I forgot. It's always so shocking.

- Take it off.
- [Scott] Take the watch off?

All we need to do
is transform you back into Santa,

- which is a piece of cake.
- [Scott] Perfect, perfect, perfect.

- [Doc Martin strains]
- What, you gonna Misery me?

- Oh!
- What is this? No.

This... This...

- [Carol, Scott] Oh.
- [Doc Martin strains]

- Nothing.
- No.

Well, I'm stumped.

How exactly did this happen?

Another Santa came out of the woods.

[panting]

Magnus Antas.

And he threw a magic snowball at me.

- [grunts]
- [Scott groaning]

Well, using Santa magic on another Santa
is debilitating for both parties.

[Scott] Okay.

But you should get your strength
and powers in no time.

- What's no time?
- You know, only time will tell.

Really don't have that kind of time.

What else do you have?

I can and, uh, will go get you some ice.

Have we ever really checked
her credentials?

She said she went to Northnorthern.

[Scott] The Pole could be in danger,
especially if that lunatic comes here.

- I need you to go get your vest.
- Okay. You're right.

I'll be back before you can say...

What's something cool to say?

- Go now.
- I'll think of something.

[grunts]

Best friend, you're hurt.

Whatever you need,
I'm always here for you.

Why was Magnus Antas in Chicago?

Noel, I want you to look into my eyes.

What do you see?

It's cold, and it's dark.

Tell us everything you know
about Magnus Antas.

I'm sorry.

I wish I could tell you everything.
I really do.

But it's not my story to tell.

[Betty] It's mine.

[gasps]

[bell dings]

- [theme playing]
- [choir harmonizing]

[harmonizing continues]

["Jingle Bells" plays]

The SANTA CLAUSES

CHAPTER ELEVEN
B-E-T-T-Y

[sighs]

You came back from Kribble Krabble early.

I know it's against the rules,
but I saw them.

Them?

There's more than one him?

Uh, Mad Santa and Olga.

[Scott] Who is Olga?

And how did this wonderful Magnus Antas
become Mad Santa

and then turn into a nutcracker?

While we're asking questions,
why don't you look like Santa?

Noel, how did you let this happen?

Honeybuns, you chose the wrong successor.

- Not that easy, is it?
- Hey, why don't we all have a seat?

I'll tell you the story now,
after which you'll have my resignation.

In the beginning,
Magnus Antas was a great Santa.

Some even say the greatest of all time.

Blasphemy. We all know
the greatest Santa's right here.

Noel, I can handle this.

My ego's okay, you know?

But if you had to pick,
you know, one of them?

Santas.
They always wanna know where they rank.

No, no, no, no.

This is bad! This is really bad.

I'm the... I'm the worst Santa ever.

What is all this banging in here?

I lost it. I lost it.

Your mind? Obviously.

No, no. The vest. My training vest.

Okay, well, just retrace your steps.

I did. Dad's gonna k*ll me.

Tell... Tell Riley I always...
I always loved her ears. Okay?

Okay. Cal. Hey, hey, hey.

Focus, focus. Stop freaking out.

You and the vest both have Santa magic,
which means that you're both connected.

Is that supposed
to make me feel better somehow?

If you wanna find the vest,
then you have to clear your mind.

Done.

Lucky. Okay, and control your thoughts.

That's more difficult.

La Befana taught me that.

- Okay. Deep breaths.
- [Cal breathes heavily]

- Okay, you got this.
- [Cal] Yeah, okay.

[both breathe heavily]

Fraud Santa running around in the middle
of the night like a common man.

The insolence.

- Eat.
- [groans]

You're still weak from using your magic
on another Santa.

[groans]

- Save your strength.
- [groans]

You'll need it to defeat
that flying farce.

[Mad Santa] Yes!

We need to get to the North Pole
to find my magic amulet.

And when we do,

I'll have enough power and strength...

[chuckles]

...to destroy everyone and everything there.

[chuckles]

[gasps, panting]

Whoa.

What?

Did it work? Did you see the vest?

Yeah.

Well, where is it? Let's go get it.

No! No. No, no, no, no, no. Can't.

Is it dangerous?
'Cause I don't care. I'm not afraid.

- No, no. I actually didn't see it.
- But you said you did.

What I meant was, um,
I saw it at La Befana's.

And you... Can you get it for me, please?

- Please? Hey, hey.
- I don't think she wants to talk to me.

Hey, one of my Santa powers
is knowing what people need,

and you need to make things
right with her.

- Come on. Thank you.
- Okay.

- Nope. You're not Santa.
- Oh.

I will go to La Befana's to get the vest.

- The vest.
- Yeah. Cool.

Ow.

[sighs]

All right, Mr. Vesty, Cal Claus
is coming to Chi-town.

[winces]

Man, that stings.

After a couple of centuries on the throne,
a literal throne,

Magnus Antas started to cr*ck.

He began obsessing over
how ungrateful humans were,

which led to
the introduction of giving coal.

And where there's coal, there's...

Gnomes.

He started confiding
in the gnomes more and more.

Their leader, Olga,
fed into Mad Santa's paranoia,

further poisoning him against us.

The gnomes began guarding
the entrances and exits.

They were even scarier
without the w*r masks.

They were keeping a constant watch on us,
getting ready.

Getting ready for what?

A w*r none of us had any idea was coming.

[reindeer bellows]

Donner.

Blitzen.

[both bluster, bellow]

[sighs]

Look, I'm just a boy standing
in front of two reindeer,

begging them to help him
get to the real world,

so he can find his vest and stop
the crazy man that snowballed his dad.

[both nicker]

Good, 'cause I don't have a plan B.

- [chuckles]
- [Blitzen nickers]

I was a nobody,
but I feared for the fate of Christmas.

So, after another night of partying

and drinking fermented eggnog
had come to its predictable conclusion...

Head Elf

...I sought out the Head Elf
to offer my services.

[snores, groans]

[Betty] Toots had been missing for months.

And now his replacement, Bernard,
was gone.

Anyone who dared question
Magnus Antas vanished.

But Bernard had managed to leave a word
of warning before they took him.

Mad Santa was going to use
the Christmas rounds to punish humankind

by turning all of the ungrateful children
of the world into nutcrackers.

Mad Santa plus naughty list
equals nutcrackers

That Mad Santa is a lunatic,
and now he's out there.

Listen, you gotta get ahold
of the control room, all right?

I want the whole North Pole locked down.
Close all the vortexes.

Move, move. Please, please.

So, what happened next?

Terror. Fear.

We knew that any opposition

would result in being banished
beyond the Wobbly Woods forever.

What we needed was a fearless leader.

And we found one.

THE SANTAPOLIS
MUSEUM OF SANTA

Okay. And there it is.

All right.
Revenge will be swift and sweet.

I am Santa, after all. [chuckles]

You aren't turning them all
into nutcrackers immediately, are you?

- Hmm?
- I have a very detailed to-do list.

Oh!

MAIM LIST

It has been a while since
I've given a good maiming. [chuckles]

So, are you not doing the show?

Of course he's not doing the show.

[sputtering]
Let's not make any rash decisions.

Rumor is there's gonna be an agent
in the audience tonight.

[growls]

We knew what we had to do
was insurmountable.

The gnomes were armed and deadly.

[exclaims] Whoa.

Why do you look like you're about
to turn us away from meeting The Wizard?

[gasps]

My Santa magic's coming back.

I feel like you're about
to sell me a time-share.

No, he clearly looks as if Colonel Sanders
and the Monopoly man had a child.

Now, if I can please finish my story.

I went to the Legendary figures for help.

They said they'd discuss
and get back to us.

- So, we waited and waited.
- [sighs]

La Befana finally brought the news.

I think we can get him if we come from...

It is me, La Befana.

I'm afraid it is not good news.

"We regret to inform you
that we cannot interfere

in the doings of a fellow Legendary."

I'm sorry.

They outvoted me.

We cannot help.

Cannot or will not?

Edie, stand down.

- [sighs] Thank you for trying.
- [scoffs]

We'll just have to face Mad Santa
on our own.

But we're up for it.

Who's with me?

Let 'em run.

I've got - vision,
a slingshot, and amazing aim.

What could go wrong?

[speaking Italian]

I wish I could do more.

[groans] Great.

She left us her laundry.

I guess I'll do it.

Wait a minute.
La Befana is a Legendary figure?

- That doesn't make any sense.
- How can you say that?

Because I've met her.

And the Legendary figures don't have
any problem with this angry Santa Claus,

but they're all over me about Cal?

Remind me to bring that up
at the next big meeting.

SPELLS
,,th EDITION

Hi. Um, I was wondering
if you had Cal's vest here.

No, I would never take it.

Vests make me look hippy.

Okay.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Also, I wanted to apologize
for what I said before.

I really freaked out when I turned
the Easter Bunny into a bunny bunny,

and I know you were just trying to help.

It's okay to be scared.

You know what makes me scared?

Emotional moments like this.

[both chuckle]

Oh. Oh.

Oh, don't. I would... I...

Okay.

- Come on. Yep.
- [groans]

Okay. We're all done.

And you were right.

I do need a lot more training
before trying to do any crazy big spells.

I have a long history
with transformation spells.

They don't always go as planned.

Your whole life can change in an instant.

Literally.

That is what a transformation spell does.

What's with the lemon?

That is the Easter Bunny.

Oh.

And I think it's trying to say something,
but I don't speak fruit.

Come.

We got into this mess together,
and we can figure it out together.

What if I make everything worse?

My dad can't handle more bad news.

No. It's the Easter Bunny.
Nobody even noticed he was gone.

It's not that. It's just...

It's also Cal and Riley,

and Betty on Kribble Krabble,
and the missing nutcracker.

- My dad's just dealing with so...
- Wait, wait!

Back it up.

A nutcracker?

Do you mean the Mad Santa?

Who is that?

He is the reason
I have the wonkity wonkers.

Magic always has a price,

and we don't even know
what your magic is yet.

[bell dings]

Is someone here?

Someone's Gone
Ding Dong

Oh, that is the bye-bye bell.
It means someone has left the North Pole.

Did your papa have lunch plans?

Because I didn't get an invitation.

Oh, no. It's Cal.

You're fine. I'm fine. Everything is fine.

[screaming]

[panting]

As long as I don't look over the edge.
Or open my eyes.

[panting]

[panting]

[Donner bellows]

It was a couple of days before Christmas
when we enacted our plan.

We had to lure the gnomes outside,
away from Mad Santa.

Even though the gnomes were sworn
to protect Santa always,

they really hated anything musical.

And that is how we got them above ground.

["We Wish You a Merry Christmas" playing]

The time had come.

There was no turning back.

You're supposed to be underground
helping Magnus Antas prepare.

Put down your weapons.

Help us rid Christmas of the Mad Santa
or face the consequences.

[both laugh]

That one's mine.

Me? What did I do?

[growls]

I'm sorry for what we have to do.

I'm so glad I came here and met you.

Someday we'll take that honeymoon.

Someday.

Archers at the ready.

[all screaming]

Archers? I did... I didn't see that coming.

The arrows were Cupid's dipped
into Sandman's sand.

La Befana had given us everything
we needed,

all pilfered from the Legendaries.

We had the Easter Bunny's weaponized eggs,
Mother Nature's wind and lightning.

We had everything we needed.

At first, Olga was just shocked
we were fighting back.

Then she realized our bigger plan.

[all snoring]

Santa's unprotected.

This is what they wanted!

[groans]

Olga.

I've got her.

Elves! Into the rabbit hole.

[Betty]
Using the Easter Bunny's rabbit hole,

the fight moved underground.

[all shouting, cheering]

[Betty] Everyone fought valiantly.

[screams]

This is lunacy.

Do they not know who I am?

You could run faster
if you lost the turkey leg and mead.

You can't run from a coup
on an empty stomach, Olga.

You call this running?

No Santa has ever been forcibly removed!

This way to safety.

And how dare you call me Mad Santa!

My name is Magnus Antas.

May the name cause fear in people
for hundreds of years.

Watch the... Watch the stalactites.
Or are they mites?

I can never remember.

Are we going the right way?
I'm all turned around.

I don't know where... [gasps] Where I...

We're here.

[Mad Santa] Oh.

It's a trap.

Good old-fashioned trap.

Olga, how could you betray me?

I share my turkey leg bones with you.

It's you.

I don't know your name, but it's you.

[Betty] I had led Olga
into the same trap earlier.

Now we had them both.

I'm over here, you idiot.

Oh, real Olga!

You. You did this.

I never trusted you.

I want to say, um, is it Janie?

[Noel] Her name is Betty.

B-E-T-T-Y.

Well, thank you.
Thank you for correcting me,

for one day I will make you all pay.

And I don't want to forget
any of the names who wronged me.

Pond Scum.

Cookie Crust Crumble.

Hickory Dickory.

Ethel.

Not Bernard.

And oh, yes.

My sweet, little Betty.

What is it?

B-E-T-T-Y.

Where's your amulet?

I must've lost it in one of the caves.

But it doesn't matter,
because they can't do anything to me.

I put the "legend" in legendary.
And also the "ary".

[thud]

[Mad Santa grumbles]

Bufani. [chuckles]

What are you doing here?

You can't touch me.

Everyone knows legendary powers
don't work on other Legendaries.

It is true a Legendary has no power
against one of our own.

That is why an hour ago
I turned in my resignation crow.

[grumbles]

What did I ever do to you?

Was it me threatening to turn
the world's children into nutcrackers?

I admit it, yes.
Sometimes I can go a little far.

But is it a crime to be a little moody?

Fine.

Go ahead. Make it your best sh*t.

And for your sake,
you better hope it's everlasting.

- No!
- [both grunting]

And that was the last the world saw
of Mad Santa.

Until now.

Wow. I...

I mean, wow.

- Oh. [chuckles]
- Oh, wow.

[chuckles] You look like a training film
for how they make sausages.

- Hmm?
- [giggles] But I love it.

- Jacket's getting kind of tight?
- Yeah.

You oughta feel the pants.

- I gotta change. I'll be right back.
- Okay.

THE SANTAPOLIS
MUSEUM OF SANTA

You're not the guy from the woods.

Oh. [chuckles]

Sorry, actually, uh, the museum's closed.

But you're more than welcome
to enjoy the rest of the park.

No, no, no. I'm actually not a guest.

Although, this place is awesome.

[Kris] Well, thank you. Uh...

Are you a fellow Santa enthusiast?

That's a complicated question.

But I'm looking for something
Santa-related, if you could help.

- It's a vest.
- [Kris] Hmm.

Red, obviously,
and it says, "Santa Training."

You mean this vest?

You're the guy that snowballed my dad!

He is no guy.

His name is Magnus Antas.

I feel like this is starting
to get a little tense.

Stay out of this, Kris.

Your dad, Santa, is a human?

The temerity, the gall.

And they had the nerve
to call me the Mad Santa?

I wouldn't say mad, more just high-strung.

[groans] Then I suppose you think
you're going to be the next Santa.

Oh, uh, maybe?

It's what my dad wants,
and it's not a no from me.

But I have heard cruise ship captains
have really good benefits.

[sighs] They get to see the world without
little elves trying to barbecue them.

I'm no elf. I'm a gnome.

Cool. Gnomes.

[growls]

I love a good gardenscape, eh?

And yet,
I can see under all that angry posturing,

you have a soft spot, don't ya?

No. I mean... I...

[laughing]

Olga, soft?

That's rich.

Be quiet, human.

- Please, let me end this.
- Soon.

You're not gonna let her hurt him
because, you know, he's just a kid.

I said stay out of this, Kris.

This is getting out of hand.

[groans] Yep.

[operator] , what's your emergency?

Yeah, that's a really good question.

Silence your friend, Olga.

Have you seen the movie Face/Off?
Yeah, it's like that but with Santas.

Hello?

I know what we did was unimaginable.

We went against a Santa.

But it was my idea, no one else's.

I should've been banished beyond
the Wobbly Woods forever ago,

but Bernard, once we got him back,
wouldn't allow it.

We covered it up.

But I'm ready to accept my punishment now.

Well, Betty, there are rules.

[Betty]
It's more than a rule. It's a clause.

Unbreakable, non-negotiable,
etched in stone.

Elf Clauses

Etched in stone.

Whoops.

Betty, you're a hero.

- [Carol chuckles]
- And so are you, Noel.

[Carol] Oh, Betty.

You showed so much bravery.

This place is indebted to you.

This place will always be your home.

Mom! Dad!

Cal snuck out of the North Pole.

The sleigh is gone,
and so are Donner and Blitzen.

Now he knows how to drive a sleigh?

This is what happens
when you push kids too hard.

I just wanted this
to be a family business.

I will return to the North Pole to take
my rightful spot as the one true king...

I mean Santa.

No matter what you do, you'll never win.

My dad may have ruined
my relationship with my girlfriend,

but he's the reason I can fly a sleigh,

wrap a gift in under seconds,
and know when people need help.

[grunts]

[sighs]

He really is the greatest dad
and Santa that's ever lived.

Hey, you're not even wearing a red coat!
You're the fraud.

It was always green!

And then someone changed it
behind my back.

He didn't mean fraud.
He meant, uh, um, flawed.

[stammers] I was just trying to rhyme.

Uh. [chuckles] Sod, nod.

[chuckles] I have a big bod.

- Oh, boy. This is gonna be a toughie.
- [strains, grunts]

[both exclaim]

[panting, grunting]

[grunting continues]

Are you all right?

I'm drained.

He had more Santa magic
than I had expected.

We need to get to the North Pole
to get my amulet.

Help me. Help me to the sleigh.

[panting]

And it's done.

All the vortexes are shut down.

- You did good.
- Don't shut down the vortexes.

Cal is still outside the North Pole.

I told him not to do it.

Just turn them back on.

I can't just turn them back on.
It'll take hours.

And plus, if it's done wrong,
the North Pole can and will melt.

Well, there is that.

We don't have hours,
because Cal flew directly to Mad Santa.

- How do we get him back?
- I got the worst idea ever.

Have Noel meet me
in the Letters Department.

Sometimes kids will send stuff to the
North Pole that they shouldn't have sent.

You know, like a special toy or a gift.

Or maybe an entire lemon meringue pie,
which I did... I didn't send back.

- [Carol] You're getting off-topic.
- This entire pathway is always open.

So I'm going to send myself through this.

- The return system is risky.
- I know.

We've never sent any living thing
through it before.

- Only because you wouldn't send Gary.
- What's that now?

I can't let you do that, sir.

- No.
- Some letters just disappear. Forever!

Cal is only over there
because I rode him too hard.

I'm gonna go save my boy.

- I'm coming with you.
- Honey, this...

- No.
- [grunts] Me too.

No, I need someone here
to protect the North Pole.

You and La Befana,
that's what you got to do.

And you trust us with that?

- With our lives.
- Yes. Go.

Okay.

Oh, sweetheart. You've got this.

Be strong. Strong, strong, strong.

Okay, let's get to this. Let's go.

[sighs]

I still don't think this is a good idea.

But whenever you're ready,
just stamp the letter "Return to Sender."

- Ready. All right, honey.
- Okay.

Whoa, whoa. What is this?
What are you taking... What is this?

It's a Santa Blaster.

I went to pick it up when I heard
that Mad Santa was on the loose.

I'm a little uncomfortable knowing
we have a w*apon at the North Pole

called a "Santa Blaster."

Noted.

I have cherished every minute with you.

All right.

- Hold on.
- Okay.

See ya on the South Side, Mrs. Claus.

Nothing.

RETURN TO SENDER

[TRANSLATOR CREDIT]