01x09 - The Fix Is In

[bunniefuu]

- [LAUGHTER]
- Come on in.

Whoa. Are you sure
this is the right house?

I thought you said
you were a firefighter.

Uh, I am, yeah.

They, uh, they let you stay here

when you're firefighter
of the month.

Come on, how do you
afford all this?

Sorry, I couldn't hear you,
I'm already halfway up the stairs.

Oh, my God, is this
Baldacci Cabernet?

This costs more than
I make in a week.

[CHUCKLES]

Should we drink it?

Uh, you know, that's...
it's more of a-a looking wine.

Oh, come on.
Let's live a little.

Yeah, I can't. Uh,
most of this stuff is actually my dad's.

Oh, you live with your dad.

Uh, well, you know,
I prefer to think

he lives with me.

Aw. Does he need help?

He's definitely needy.

Well, a hero at work
and at home.

When my Nan got old, she would
suffer these wild delusions.

She thought she was a cat.

Which was cute
until she destroyed our sofa.

So you get it.

I mean, all we can
really do is love them

and try and make
their final years

- as comfortable as possible.
- Yeah.

Poor guy, he barely
gets out of bed anymore.

[DOOR OPENS]

Well, I had to cut
my birding trip short.

You climb all the way
up Mount Greylock,

you think you're going to find
a yellow-rumped warbler,

but nary a rump in sight.

Dad, you, uh,
you shouldn't be here.

No, I should be up
to my eyeballs in rumps.

I'm sorry,
I couldn't help myself.

[CHUCKLES]

I'll just grab a nightcap
and head up to bed.

Oh, no. He must have

slipped out while
we were at dinner,

and now he thinks he went
mountain climbing.

Yeah, don't,
don't blame yourself.

I would never have
guessed that he's struggling.

He's so spry.

It's just heartbreaking when
the mind goes before the body.

Okay, don't mind me,
just you two enjoy yourselves.

I've got an early day
at the office tomorrow.

I teach at Harvard.

Oh.

Harvard, that's wonderful.

And you almost saw a bird.
Big day.

It was.

I like her.

Dad, why don't you head up,
get some rest, huh?

Aw, bless your heart.

Now it's his turn
to take care of you.

What the hell is happening here?

Oh, I'm Nicole.

That's your son Freddy.

One second.

Dad?

Sorry.

- FRASIER: You told her what?
- FREDDY: Shh!

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Sorry about that.

I apologize for my outburst.

I must have been sundowning.

Ah, that's okay, Dad.

Just call me if you get lost
on the way to your room.

And remember, shoes off first,

then pants.

But, Freddy,

it's time for my bath.

You got me into this button fly,

you're gonna have to get me out.

NICOLE:
Okay, I'm gonna go. Yeah.

- Hey, Dad.
- Oh, Freddy, thank God you're here.

I can't figure out how to
make this damn phone work.

You having fun?

More fun than
I had at the market.

It took me forever
because

I was afraid to go top speed
on my Rascal scooter.

I'm sorry, all right?

It's just, you have no idea
how hard it is

to explain to a woman
I'm a grown man

living with my dad.

Right.

Couldn't possibly imagine
what that's like.

That's different.

When Grandpa moved in with you,

it was your place,
you were helping him out.

Now it's also your place,

but you won't let me do anything
to help out around here.

I mean, you pay the bills,
you cook half my meals.

Which I am happy to do.
You're my son.

- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- But I'm also an adult.

I spent a long time on my own.

I'm used to pulling
my own weight.

I don't need you stocking
the fridge with pudding cups.

- You eat those.
- Not the butterscotch.

Hi, guys.

Do you want to see
my new face cream?

Not now, Eve.

No. Say you want to see it.

We're in the middle
of a conversation...

- Just say you want to see it.
- Eve, we don't care...

Well, too bad, 'cause you can't.

My package was stolen.

Could you please fix
the friggin' buzzer?

Oh, yeah, Dad,
I was meaning to say,

I'm pretty sure
it's just a loose wire.

I think a handyman could
fix that in no time.

Well, you, you sound
like you know what to do.

Um, would you do that for me?

Really?

Yes, it would
really help me out.

Okay, sure. Yeah.

And, Eve, uh,

I'd be glad to pay for
the package that was stolen.

How much was it?

Uh, ... hundred dollars.

Do they give prizes
for best father?

I believe they give out mugs,

but I don't think
they're terribly exclusive.

Well, I deserve one.

I have just ex*cuted
a masterful spell of parenting.

Wonderful. And right on time
as Freddy is in his formative
mid- s.

Freddy was worried that he
was losing his independence

since moving in with me,

so I thought of
a little job for him,

and problem solved.

Ah, yes.
Nothing says independence

like condescending busywork.

Congratulations, Alan,

you have set
a new school record.

Huzzah. What for?

Ooh, ooh, I'll bet it's
a bad thing. Let me guess.

Um, most naps in class.

Oh, no, no.

Oldest food stain on tie?

Your fifth T.A.
in a month just quit.

Damn it, I overthought it.

Well, you know,
it's not my fault.

These kids complain
about everything.

"I don't want
to tidy your attic."

"There are noises
coming from your attic."

"Why didn't you tell me

there's a family of raccoons
in your attic?"

You know, you're lucky
her eye was able to heal.

Well, fortunately, I was
able to find the one student

who's still willing
to work for you.

He's not officially a T.A.
since he's an undergrad,

but, for some reason,
he's actually very excited.

Oh, I can't wait to meet

the gumptious individual.
I'm sure we'll get on like a...

Reporting for duty, my liege.

You win. I'll retire.

I'm so sorry, Alan,

there were no other choices.

But also, and one could argue
this is even more important,

I think it's very, very funny.

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS LOUDER]

I'm going to get an ice cream.

[LAUGHS]

I can assure you, Dr. Cornwall,

I am absolutely up to the task.

You know, Alan. Olivia's right.
This could be very funny.

[CHUCKLES]

For example, I noticed you didn't
have any office hours,

so, as the T.A. handbook
says I should,

I posted them for you.

You're booked for weeks,
Professor Popular.

I'm far too sober for all this.

David, get me a Scotch
from the cabinet.

I'm sorry,
the T.A. handbook says that

alcohol in school premises
is discouraged,

so I cleared it all out.

How did you...

When did you...

Why did you...

You're a real stickler
for the T.A. handbook,

aren't you, David?

How's it going so far?

[LAUGHS]

Oh, Dad, try the buzzer for me.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

Hey, you fixed it.

[CHUCKLES] How about that?

I don't know how you did it.

Oh, what I did was,

I took the old tube wiring,
and I just...

I didn't say I wanted to know.

But thank you.

I can't recall when
I've been this impressed.

I got a Medal of Valor
last fall.

And now this. What a year.

I also noticed it's a little
damp behind the panel,

so I had to open up the walls,
see if we had a leak.

Open up the walls?

Wouldn't it be easier
just to buy another building?

Yeah, I got started inside,

but I'll have to finish
when I get back from my shift.

Don't worry, you won't
even notice a thing.

[SHRIEKS] Oh, God.

Oh, God, what have you done?!

What happened?

This... happened.

He made a hole.

EVE:
Oh, no, was a teeny,

tiny Kool-Aid Man here?

Eve, please, this is serious.

No, you're right.
Oh, to cover that hole,

you just need the tiniest poster
of Rita Hayworth.

Eve.

This maw into the underworld

is Freddy's attempt
to trace a leak to its source.

Well, don't worry, you're in good hands.
He's incredibly thorough.

Once he starts, he never stops.

Elaborate on the word "never."

Oh, he will find
every single problem.

It'll be months and months
of holes and tarps

and dust everywhere,
so much dust.

There's bound
to be a critter or two,

but once he's done,
you'll know it was done right.

Critter.

[GRUNTS]

Oh, good.

You're just in time
to walk my cat.

I'm sorry to be so nit-picky...

No, no, no, nit-picky's good.

She has fleas.

The T.A. handbook says

that personal errands
are forbidden.

Ah, the T.A. handbook again.

Yes, I think I see the problem.

I think you've been
referring to the old copy.

The latest version is online.

I'll just send you the link.

Oh, personal errands
are now encouraged.

They build character.

"The more demeaning,
the better."

Well, there it is
in black and white.

"Especially cats."
That seems oddly specific.

I don't make the rules.

I don't remember any of this.

Maybe I should file a request
for information with the dean.

Well, I would
love you to do that,

but I suggest that
you refer to page .

Oh. "Requests for information
are now pro-hobbit-ed."

- Just refresh the page.
- I'm sorry, it says "prohibited."

Yes, they really have thought
of everything, haven't they?

Now, here's my conundrum:

I love Lucky Charms,
but I hate marshmallows.

And this is where you come in.

- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- It's open.

You called a plumber?

Yes, this is
a very delicate situation.

You see, my project requires
the utmost discretion.

No problem, most of my business
is wives bringing me in

- to spare their husbands' egos.
- [CHUCKLES]

In this case, I am the wife

and my son is my husband.

You want to find another way
to phrase that?

Yes, I do, thank you.

See, my-my son wants
to help out around here,

and I just don't want him wasting
his time with all this menial work.

Sure, sure.
That's all I do for a living.

You could have found a less
hurtful way to say it, but okay.

I'm sorry, what I would
like you to do

is-is find
the source of the leak,

and then I can point him
in the right direction.

I'll see what I can do.

That apology sounded
kind of insincere,

but all right.

Oh, Freddy.
Oh, uh, you're home early.

Yeah, I couldn't stop
thinking about the leak,

so I got a buddy to cover
my shift so I can finish up.

Oh, wait, wait. Uh,
why don't we go to the kitchen?

- I can make you a snack.
- Nah, I'm not hungry, thanks.

Aren't you going to ask me
if I'd like a snack in return?

Uh, you want a snack?

I'd love one.
How about a quick jambalaya?

Hey, I think I figured it out.

Wha... Uh, Dad, who's this?

Yes, this is, uh,
my colleague, uh, Roland.

Roland, this is my, uh, my son,

whom I told you about. Freddy.

Oh, of course, Freddy.

Yes, I work with your dad.
We're buds.

Oh, so you're a psych
professor? At Harvard?

That is correct.

I am a psychology professor
at Harvard University.

Oh, nice to meet you.

A question, Professor Roland.

Why are you wearing a jumpsuit
with your name on it?

Oh, this? Well, uh,

I'm in the middle
of an experiment right now

that explores
the assumptions people make

about blue-collar workers.

Impressive, isn't he?

Yeah.

Follow-up question.

Exactly which psychological
theory is that exploring?

Oh, we should just let
the professor go now...

Well, the most relevant theory,
of course,

is confirmation bias, isn't it?

Sometimes my subjects
can't see past

their own preconceived notions.

Laypeople, am I right?

Absolutely. I mean,
I think so, too.

I mean, shouldn't we
just let him go now?

Of course, of course, yeah.

I actually have to install some
copper piping under the sink.

I mean, most of the pipes
here are galvanized,

but, uh, that should be fine.

[GROANS]

Off you go now.
I'll see you on campus.

No, no, no, look,
I can't let you do that.

Galvanized steel with copper?

That'll corrode both pipes.

It'll ruin the entire building.

I knew it. Plumber!

Why, Roland, why?

So... you secretly get
a plumber to come here,

and instead of being
honest with me about it,

you make the poor guy do improv?

Which I kind of think
I knocked out of the park.

Yes, I agree.

Look, uh, you may as well

get your things and go.
Thank you.

Thank you. I'm-I'm sorry.

It's just, I wanted to take this

off of your plate.

You have so many
other things to do.

Yeah, but you're not
letting me contribute.

Because you don't have to.

Let me take care of everything.

Don't let your pride
get in the way.

I let you have the buzzer.

Golly gee whiz. Thanks so much.

You let me have the buzzer.
Thank you.

I'm gonna go jump up and down
on my race car bed.

- I fixed the leak.
- Thank you.

You know, I've got to find

some way to cover that up
until it can get fixed.

Well, your son seems
very eager to help.

Why don't you have him fix it?

Because I don't want him to.

You know,
why does everyone assume

I'm just some decrepit old man?

"Oh, my back. Oh, my hip."

Oh, my knee.

Are you okay?

I could pretend to be a doctor.

_

ROLAND:
All right.

- [SIGHS] Thank you.
- Yeah.

Oh. It's my knee.

An old polo injury.

Oh. Water or horse?

Neither, I slipped
trying on a pair of chinos

at the Ralph Lauren store.

- Thank you.
- Yeah, no problem.

- Freddy.
- Professor.

Hey, Dad, I was going to, uh...

Did you hurt your leg?

Uh, no, no, no. It's fine.

I'm talking about the other one.

Yes, yes, I-I did tweak my knee,

but I'm fine.

You need to elevate it more.
I'll get you an ice pack.

I don't need to be
tended to like a child.

Aha!

But, Dad, "Let me
take care of everything.

Don't let your pride
get in the way."

Sound familiar?

If you're asking if I understand

that the words I used just
a few moments ago are now

being thrown back at me
to make some sort of a point,

yes, I am familiar
with the form.

I don't know why
you're being so stubborn.

I mean, you won't
let me fix the leak,

now I can't get you an ice pack.

I mean, you took care
of Grandpa for years, so...

I said I'm fine.

[SIGHS] You're right.

I won't try to help you anymore.

Oh, sh**t.

I think I left
the fridge door open,

but, eh, you'll get it,
you don't need my help.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[REFRIGERATOR BEEPS]

[BEEPING CONTINUES]

Alan. I need your help.

[REFRIGERATOR BEEPS]

Oh, David.
Uh, you're screening his calls now?

All right, it's your uncle.

Frasier.

It's regarding...
Just put him on the line.

[GROANS] I can't believe my dad.

Hey, by the way, you should
really lock your door.

We live in Boston.

They literally named
a strangler after us.

Oh, is that
your stolen face cream?

Oh, yeah, it wasn't stolen.

I got the delivery day wrong.

But the company already
sent me a replacement,

and your dad gave me
bucks, so win-win.

Kind of sounds like
you stole from two people.

Yeah, win-win.

So, what's wrong?

It's just my dad,

he... he hurt himself,

and he still won't
ask for my help.

That's-that's ridiculous, right?

Yeah, of course it's ridiculous.

Aha. Thank you. Exactly.

And that's why
he's not admitting it.

What are you talking about?

You're not, uh, great

when you're right about things.

You're kind of,
mmm, insufferable.

What? No, I'm not.

Quick question: Do you
remember how you reacted

when I thought that
anthropologists

were people that worked
at Anthropologie?

[LAUGHS]

Do I? [LAUGHS]

I tell that story all the time.

I can't believe you
actually thought that...

Oh, my God. Is that what
I look like when I'm right?

Punchable, isn't it?

Wh-Why is my eyebrow so high?

Look, people don't like
to ask for help.

- Especially not from this guy.
- Okay, okay.

I-I get it. Thanks.

Relax, it's not like
you look like Frankenstein.

Uh, I think you mean
Frankenstein's monster,

which is a common miscon...

Okay, okay, I get it. I get it.

[REFRIGERATOR BEEPING]

- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- It's open.

DAVID:
No, it's not.

[BEEPING CONTINUES]

Oh...

Oh, you meant
the door was unlocked.

Why didn't you just say so?

I thought you were Alan.

Where is he?

He's on his way.

He sent me to prepare
for his arrival.

David.

- How are you feeling?
- Terrible.

I can hardly move.

Did you hear that, David?
He's immobile.

Quickly, go and grab
the good silver.

It's a joke, David.

Ha, ha, very funny, sir.

I think I've got an ice pack
in the freezer.

Would you mind getting it?

No, of course not.
I'm here to help.

David, are you deaf?
The man needs an ice pack.

And for God's sake, close
that door when you're finished.

So, where's Freddy?
Why isn't he helping you?

Because I explicitly
asked him not to.

Oh, I see what's going on here.

You refuse to accept help
from your own son

because you're too proud.

No, that's not it.

Well, now I see
what's going on here.

You won't let Freddy help you

in the way
that you helped Martin

because you think you're
going to turn into your father.

That's not it either.

How many guesses do I get?

I won't let him
help me because...

I know that I will
never be my father.

What do you mean?

My father was
always there for us.

I owe him everything.

So when he needed help
later in life,

I jumped at the opportunity.

Jumped? I thought you hated it.

Well, all right.
Maybe "jumped" is the wrong word.

I-I did warm to it
after a while.

But whatever
I did for my father,

it wasn't enough,
because whatever I did, I...

I could never repay him.

And you don't want
to burden Freddy

because, in your eyes,

you weren't there
for him either.

Exactly.

I knew it.

I will never be able to make up

for the times
I wasn't there for Freddy.

So, to have him
waiting on me now,

it'd just put me further behind.

So, no,

I will never
ask my son for help.

Thank you.

No, I understand what
you're saying, Frasier.

I mean, it's difficult
for men of our age

to ask the younger
generation for help.

David, laces.

But until you stop thinking
about your relationship

with your son as some
sort of balance sheet

that needs to be tallied up,

then neither of you
will get what you want.

Right, we'd better go.

You think David could
stay behind for a bit?

No, no, pressing business,
I'm afraid.

My cat needs her eye drops.

She also needs
her claws trimmed,

as David will discover when
he gives her the eye drops.

David, would you mind
getting me my Sondheim book

- from the shelf?
- Oh, sure.

You know he's taking
advantage of you, don't you?

Oh, I know.

And you don't mind that?

Oh, are you kidding?

I don't know if you
know this about me,

but growing up,
I was a little coddled.

I have yet
to eat an intact grape.

But Dr. Cornwall
is the first adult

to trust me with
any real responsibility.

You don't resent him,
in spite of all you're doing?

No, no.

The work may seem menial,

but it feels good to be valued.

ALAN:
David, you worm. Come on.

Duty calls.

[DOOR CLOSES]

This isn't Stephen Sondheim,
it's Susan Sontag.

[MUTTERS]

Who could confuse these? Oh...

Yeah.

Mmm, yeah, there.

[GRUNTS] Okay.

[GRUNTING SOFTLY]

Oh, my other knee!

Help!

- Freddy, help!
- Dad?

Dad, where are you?

- What the...
- Over here.

Are you okay?

Yeah. Yeah, just-just

help me...
help me get up-up here,

and then I'll just
take it from there.

- Okay.
- All right.

Thank you.

Oh, I'm sorry, I...

[GROANS]

I did need your help.
You were right.

Well, well, well...

What I mean is,

thank you.

And I'm also sorry that...

you felt as if
you weren't valued.

Nothing could be
further from the truth.

Thanks, Dad.

I appreciate feeling needed.

You know, we're, uh,

we still got to patch things up.

What the hell do you think
I'm trying to do?

I meant the wall, Dad.

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

Of course. Why don't we just

leave that in your
very capable hands?

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Okay.

Maybe I could find some time.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Don't get up.

Oh, hey, Nicole.

Hey. Um, I am sorry
to just stop by,

but I left my scarf here.

Right. Yeah.

- Um, here.
- Thanks.

And, um, I'm really sorry
about the other night.

No, it's fine.

Um, it was definitely weird,
though.

- FREDDY: Yeah.
- Your dad seemed pretty with it.

I wasn't sure you were
telling the truth about him.

Right, yeah, about that,

and sin-since you,
you bring it up...

Freddy! Freddy, come quick!
Help! Freddy!

Sorry.

Uh, what is it?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I know you have company,

but you need to hear this, too.

I was att*cked by robots.

Oh, no. That sounds scary.

It was, because the thing
about robots today

is that they don't
really look like robots.

Not the way they used to.

They look like the,
the mailman or the grocer

or, or a little child on the way
to school with their mother.

Don't let them fool you,
don't let your guard down

because,
when you least expect it,

they'll break both your legs.

- Robots did this to you?
- Yes.

It's been a very trying day.

Freddy, will you
help me get to bed?

- Sure, Dad.
- Aw.

Hey.

I'm so sorry.

Obviously, I was very
wrong about your dad.

- Well...
- So, I-I got to go,

but do you think maybe

you want to grab
a drink this weekend?

Sure. Yeah, I'd love that.

Okay, cool.

Um...

You have a wonderful son!

Yes. I know. Thank you.

Oh, excuse me, I'm sorry.
I've got to take this.

Yes, Mr. President?

Okay, I think she's great,

but I'm not doing this forever.

["TOSSED SALADS
AND SCRAMBLED EGGS" PLAYING]

FRASIER:
Y'all know how this goes.

♪ Hey, baby,
I hear the blues a-callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ And maybe I seem
a bit confused ♪

Yeah, maybe.
But I got you pegged.

[CHUCKLES]

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ Life's callin' again. ♪

Boston, we love you!