01x01 - Scott Pilgrim's Precious Little Life

[bunniefuu]

["Bloom" by Necry Talkie playing]

[song ends]

- [pensive music playing]
- [wind whooshing]

[man whimpering]

I'm so... alone. [echoing]

[panting]

[groans]

[continues panting]

- [wind whooshing]
- [ethereal music playing]

[ethereal music continues]

[whooshing continues]

The girl of my dreams?

It's time to wake up, dude.

[gasps] I had a dream
about that girl again.

[sighs]

Mmm, I didn't care
the first time you told me.

I care even less now.

Huh?

[grunts, sighs]

[chimes]

[grunts]

[Scott] But she has cool hair and wheels.

[Wallace] Wow! So specific.

- When are you getting your own place?
- Isn't this my place?

No, I let you crash here one time,
and you never left.

That's not how I remember it.

[sighs] Could you at least
get your own stuff?

- [yawning]
- I have stuff.

[buzzes and beeps]

- [dishes clattering]
- [Wallace] You do not have stuff.

[Scott] Ooh, can I have some?

Some of my coffee?

I don't have to take this guff from you.

You're right. You don't. So leave.

[whimsical music playing]

[sips]

I was just about to anyway.

[narrator] Toronto, Canada.
Not too long ago.

[amplifier screeches]

- [drum bangs]
- [sticks clank]

[guitar strums]

- [man 1 whistles]
- [woman clears throat]

We are Sex Bob-omb!

One! Two! Three! Four!

- [rock music playing]
- ♪ Hey! Hey! ♪

♪ Hey! Hey! ♪

♪ Can't find my way around ♪

♪ When the sun comes up, I'm down ♪

♪ Hey! Hey! ♪

♪ I feel fine! ♪

♪ Hey! Hey! ♪

- [Stephen] ♪ I don't feel good ♪
- [Kim & Scott] ♪ I feel fine! ♪

[video game chimes]

[amplifier screeches]

♪ Hey! Hey! ♪

♪ I feel fine! ♪

♪ Hey! Hey! ♪

- ♪ I don't feel good! ♪
- ♪ I feel fine! ♪

[music halts]

[video game controller clicking]

Wow! You might be
the best band of all time.

We're not.

Maybe Knives has really good taste
and knows things others don't.

Wouldn't count on it.

Want to do it again?

Let's do it again!

- [rock music playing]
- ♪ Hey! Hey! ♪

[music fades]

- [indistinct chatter]
- [horn honks]

Why aren't you bringing
your new girlfriend to Julie's party?

She's not really my girlfriend.

Then what is she?

She's sort of my girlfriend.

Scott, your life is so interesting.

Thanks, Kim.

Oh, that was sarcasm.

[party music playing faintly]

All right, you guys want to... What?

[buzzes]

[indistinct chatter]

[party music continues]

[buzzes]

[enchanting sparkles]

[gulps]

[sighs]

[indistinct chatter continues]

[music distorts, fades]

[ethereal swell]

[tender music playing]

- [dings]
- [nervous grunt]

[ethereal swell]

[fizzing]

[gulps]

[bloop]

Hey.

Hi.

[plopping]

You know Sonic the Hedgehog?

You probably know this,
but in the early 90s,

there were two different Sonic cartoons
airing at the same time.

- [bloop]
- One was dark and dramatic.

The other was a hilarious comedy
about chili dogs.

And the same guy played Sonic
in both shows.

Isn't that wild?

The same guy playing
two different versions of the same guy?

[chime]

Maybe... Maybe you didn't watch cartoons,
or... or you're not into chili dogs.

They're okay.

I mostly watched older stuff
when I was a kid.

You know, Columbo reruns.

Reruns. Cool, got it.

- [whirs]
- Are you real?

Did you just ask me if I was real?

Uh, no, I was talking
to someone else. Bye!

[cranking, squeaking]

- [indistinct chatter]
- [party music playing]

[hyperventilating]

[Julie] Ugh! Why are you here?

Uh, I'm a plus-one.

[scoffs] There were no plus-ones.

Everyone here is someone
I invited personally.

My parties are curated.

So, do you know
this one girl with hair like this?

Ramona Flowers?

Ramona.

- [Julie] She's from New York City.
- The Big Apple.

She moved here after a bad breakup.

[Scott] She's single.

Got a job delivering DVDs for Netflix.

[Scott] DVDs for Netflix.

- I'm like her only friend in town.
- [Scott] She needs friends.

I forbid you from dating her,
Scott Pilgrim!

Cool. Thanks, Julie. Bye. [whistles]

[computer beeps, whirs]

[mouse clicks]

[keyboard clacking]

[Scott] Wallace, quick!
What movie should I rent?

You're banned from No-Account Video.

You owe, like,
a gajillion dollars in late fees.

Not the rental place.
I'm using the World Wide Web.

What should I rent?

Hmm.

Something starring a hot guy.

[mouse clicks]

[alert chimes]

I think I need the name of a hot guy.

Hmm, fine.

Um, Lucas Lee. Best chest in the business.

[Scott] Hmm, Action Doctor,
Let's Hope There's A Heaven,

Thrilled To Be Here.

Ooh, The Game Is Over 2!
It's over a second time! That sounds fun.

[mouse clicks]

Uh... Are you waiting for the DVD?

It's gonna take a bit.

How long could it take?

[Wallace snoring]

[relaxing music playing]

[birds chirping]

[blooping]

- [doorbell rings]
- [gasps]

[ethereal music plays]

Sonic guy?

Yes, that's me.

Are you "Wallace Wells"?

No, I'm Scott. Scott Pilgrim.

Wallace is my cool, gay roommate.

He lets me use his credit card.

Oh.

So like a sugar daddy situation?

Sugar what?

[squawks]

Cool. Enjoy your DVD, Mr. Wells.

- Wait.
- Hmm?

Are... Are you the person in my dreams?

I thought we went over this already.

So, you are? Isn't that weird?

It's not weird at all.

- Eh...
- [bloops]

There's just a convenient subspace highway
running through your head.

It's like three miles in 15 seconds.

- [dramatic sting]
- Eh?

I don't know what that is in kilometers.

Space subways. Totally. I get it.

Anyway, want to go out sometime?

You want to go on a date? With me?

Doesn't have to be a date.
It could be a low-key team-up.

Canada and America joining forces?

You're new in town. I'm old in town.
What do you think?

[Ramona] Hmm.

[footsteps approaching]

Why are you just standing there?

[chuckling] Dude, I'm waiting on you.

It's getting nice out, eh?
I didn't really need the parka.

What's with the "X" anyway?

Oh, this?

Well, obviously, one of us
went to Professor Xavier's school

for gifted youngsters,
and one of us did not.

Is that a Sonic thing?

Is it Sonic?

No, it isn't.

So, why'd you move to Toronto?

Just so you could go to Julie's parties?

[laughs] No.

Well, I got the job
delivering DVDs for Netflix,

and Gideon always said Toronto
is one of the great cities. So...

[Scott] Is Gideon a boyfriend?

He's a friend.

[gentle music playing]

So, what do you do?

I'm between jobs.

[Ramona] Between what and what?

Well, my last job is
a really long story filled with sighs.

Maybe we can get into it
in a later episode.

We don't have to talk about our pasts.
It's my least favorite subject.

I should have checked the weather.
Guess you need that parka now.

It's just a little bit of snow.
Did it snow where you came from?

[chuckles] I thought
we were avoiding the past.

Where you're from?
That's not the past. That's a location.

[laughs] Fine.

Where are you from?

[Scott] Up north.

Ah.

Then you're used to
this kind of weather, right?

Yeah. Are you?

I grew up in the mountains, man.

Did you do a lot of skiing?

No, not really.

Yeah.

[music distorts]

[rewinds]

[sinister music playing]

Hmm.

- [music intensifies]
- [electronic whirring]

Bring me Matthew Patel.

The game has begun.

[Scott] Do you ice skate?

I assumed, considering you rollerblade.

I did figure skating when I was four.

[clicks tongue] Ah, look at that.

[wind whooshing]

You got me talking about the past again.

You're quite the trickster, Scott Pilgrim.

And I wasn't even trying.

- [Scott shivering]
- This really picked up.

[wind whooshing]

Ramona, I can't see you!

Relax. Take my hand.

[Scott continues shivering]

There should be a door around here.

[ethereal music playing]

Huh?

What?

[Scott grunts]

[Ramona sighs]

[Scott] This is your apartment.

So, that star door
was one of your space subways?

Basically. Yeah.

Good thing this wasn't a real date.

Otherwise, it would qualify
as a major disaster.

[chuckles]

I'll make us some tea.

[Scott shivering]

You look like you're dying.

Let me get you a blanket.

- [timer ticking]
- [gentle music playing]

[continues shivering]

[timer continues ticking]

[wind whooshing]

- Dude, I'm changing.
- [gasps] Ah!

Sorry. I'm just cold and innocent.

There you go.
Now I can't see anything. That's better.

Does this help?

- [Scott] Oh.
- I'm cold too.

- [ethereal music playing]
- [Scott gasps]

[both gasp]

[ethereal music continues]

[enchanting sparkles]

- Sparks.
- Uh-huh.

Were you... Were you just gonna bring
the blanket from your bed?

I guess.

Maybe we could both get under it
while it's on the bed

since we're both... cold.

[both moan]

[gentle music playing]

[both moan gently]

[Ramona exhales]

I... I'm not sure if I'm ready.

[Ramona sighs]

I changed my mind.

From what to what?

I don't wanna have sex with you, Pilgrim.
Not right now.

That's okay. That's cool.

I'm not gonna send you home
in a snowstorm, or anything.

You can sleep in my bed.

And I reserve the right to change
my mind about the sex later.

- Awesome.
- [kisses]

[electronic whirring]

You sent for me?

I did.

I just wanted to say thanks
for creating this league.

It's pretty high-concept.

I didn't bring you here for flattery.

Things have taken a turn.

It seems our dear Ramona has a new suitor.

[Matthew] It's really happening?
Who is he?

My interns compiled
extensive research on the subject.

Scott Pilgrim, 23-years-old.
Lives in Toronto, Canada.

Jobless, hopeless.

He's in an indie band
of subjective quality.

[Matthew] How long have they been dating?

[Gideon] They've been on one date,
but he's currently sleeping in her bed.

That bastard!

Indeed.
But this is where it gets interesting.

Scott Pilgrim is dating a high schooler.

What?

Wait, I... I'm sorry.
Did you say he's dating a high schooler?

[Gideon] Dating may be a strong word.

Our intel says they've never kissed,
but they did hold hands once.

[Matthew sighs] Does Ramona know?

[Gideon] He hasn't told her yet.

Wow! And I thought we were evil.

What's his fight experience?

He's been described as, quote,
"The best fighter in the province."

Unquote.

Ooh, this scumbag sounds like a challenge.

Are you worried?

[scoffs] No, I'm glad it won't be easy.
I'll relish this victory.

Ramona's new guy
is gonna wish he was never born

because his brutal death is inevitable!

Because of me.

Because I'm gonna k*ll him.

And then he'll be dead.

I hope Scott Pilgrim enjoys the final few
days of his precious little life.

- [both laughing maniacally]
- [dramatic music playing]

- [groans]
- [pops]

- [sniffles, yawns]
- [birds chirping]

[Scott] What time is it?

Not quite 8:00 a.m.

I have to work, so you have to leave.

[whoosh]

[whoosh]

[Scott] Hey, can this not be
a one-night stand?

For one thing,
I'm not even sure if it would count.

Hmm?

I'll consider it.

- [faucet running]
- [cat meows]

What did you have in mind?

Um...

Oh! My band has a show tonight.
At the Rockit, 9:00 p.m.

You have a band?

- Yeah. We're terrible. Please come.
- [chimes]

Um...

Yeah, okay. 9:00 p.m.
The Rockit. I'll be there.

[rock music playing]

[enchanting sparkle]

[enchanting sparkles]

[chimes]

I bet you're wondering
why I never came home last night.

[Wallace] I did wonder how I got so lucky.

Well, actually,
I am the one who got lucky,

because I spent the night
with the girl of, or from, my dreams.

Ramona Flowers.

Congrats.

You need to break up
with your fake high school girlfriend.

Ugh, do I have to?

I mean, are we really even dating?

Knives thinks you are,
and Knives is an angel.

- [door shuts]
- You need to end it immediately.

Fine, you're right. I'll do it.

Good.

By the way, there's a letter for you.

"Dear Mr. Pilgrim,
my name is Matthew Patel."

"I challenge you to a..." blah, blah, blah,
something about fighting...

- [tense music playing]
- [mumbling]

"League of Evil Exes..."

[music halts]

More like a League of boring.

- You coming to our show tonight?
- Unfortunately, yes.

[rock music playing faintly]

- [enchanted swell]
- [gasps]

[gasps]

[Wallace] Hey, Knives.

Have you met Stacey?

Wow! I've heard so much about you.

So, how goes it?

I am 16 kinds of pumped
to see Sex Bob-omb tonight.

That's how it goes!

I feel so excited
I might actually pass out!

[slurping]

Boy, it sure seems like nobody delivered
crushing news to you today.

Crushing? Like, a bad kind of crushing?

[Stacey] Oh, you poor thing! [sighs]

You're better than him.
Just know that. Okay?

- Better than who?
- [clicks]

Hmm? [gasps]

- Scott!
- [gasps]

[Wallace slurping loudly]

[Scott whimpers]

- [Scott groans]
- [chuckling]

- [tense music playing]
- [Scott] I... I... I have to go.

Huh?

[Scott groans]

Why are you stressing, Scott?

Who's stressing? Stephen's stressing.

Of course I'm stressing.
The opening band pulled out.

They flaked!

[Young Neil] Crash and the Boys flaked?

[Kim] I heard they were changing it
to just "Crash" and losing the "Boys."

[Young Neil growls]
You can't call a band "Crash."

Crash is a cult classic car crash sex film
sh*t right here in Toronto.

[Kim] I didn't know you were a cinephile.

[Young Neil] What's a cinephile?

[Stephen] Ugh, Crash, Boys.

Either way, they probably
canceled because they think we suck.

We probably do.

That's not funny, Kim.

If we suck,
then the audience won't like us.

They'll think we suck.

- Maybe we should cancel the show.
- [Scott] Hey.

There's only one way to find out
if we suck, and that's by playing...

now.

[indistinct chatter]

- [man laughs]
- [guitar strums]

[band tuning instruments]

So, are you a fan of Sex Bob-omb?

No, I'm kind of
seeing someone in the band.

- [gasps]
- That's crazy! I am too!

Who are you dating in the band?

We are Sex Bob-omb!

One! Two! Three! Four!

- [rock music playing]
- ♪ In your orange shirt ♪

♪ We'll go for yogurt ♪

♪ Wish I could paint you
Whoa-oh-oh ♪

♪ I'd never do you justice ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

[gasping, groans]

♪ I only wanted to be near you ♪

♪ I only wanted to be close to someone ♪

- ♪ I only wanted to be next to you ♪
- [electronic zaps]

[gasps]

[crackles, loud expl*si*n]

Mr. Pilgrim.

[wind whooshing]

- [dramatic swell]
- [grunts]

[gasps]

[Matthew grunts, yells]

[Matthew grunts]

[announcer] Reversal!

[exhales]

[grunts]

Wait, hold on.

Who are you exactly,
and why are we fighting?

Uh, aren't you Scott Pilgrim?

Depends who's asking.

It is I...

[upbeat music playing]

[enchanting pops]

...Matthew Patel,
Ramona's first evil ex-boyfriend.

[music halts]

[Ramona] Uh...

Cool. And you're here because...?

Didn't you read my letter?

- Kind of.
- [Matthew grunts]

- I hand-delivered it during a blizzard.
- [wind whooshing]

Remind me what it said, exactly.

[Matthew exclaims, growls]

It said,
"Ramona Flowers has seven evil exes,

each more powerful than the last."

"All of whom you must defeat
in order to date her."

[ex 1] We're evil exes.

[ex 2] We dated Ramona.

- [ex 3] Evil.
- [ex 4] Evil.

[Matthew] It was a very detailed letter!

You knew about this?

[Ramona] Right, yeah, um,
I heard about it.

I sort of thought it was a joke?

- And you really dated this guy?
- [strums]

Yeah. In middle school.

- [ethereal swell]
- [gentle music playing]

It was football season,
and for some reason,

all the little jocks wanted me.

Matthew Patel was the only
non-white, non-jock boy in school,

maybe the only one for miles around.

So, we joined forces and took 'em all out.

Nothing could b*at
Matthew's mystical powers

combined with my brute strength.

We only kissed once, and we were quits
after something like a week and a half.

He didn't even get truly evil
until high school,

and by that time, he lived far, far away.

- [grinding teeth angrily]
- Mystical powers?

Unfair.

- [upbeat music playing]
- All's fair in love and, uh...

[music distorts]

w*r? I... I think it's w*r.

Time to fight!

[zaps]

[announcer] Matthew Patel
versus Scott Pilgrim.

Round one. Fight.

[bell rings]

[Scott grunts]

[panting]

[Matthew grunts, exhales]

[Matthew panting]

[both yelling]

[intense music playing]

- [Matthew grunts]
- [Scott gasps]

[Matthew yells]

[gasps]

[ethereal beeps]

- [coins jingle]
- [ethereal ding]

[gasps]

- Huh?
- [spits]

- Hmm.
- [gasps]

[announcer] KO?

I won?

I won!

[dramatic music playing]

[enchanted sparkle]

[gentle music playing]

[exhales]

[sighs]

["Breathless" by X playing]

♪ Now, if you love me
Please don't tease ♪

♪ If I can hold
Well, then let me squeeze ♪

♪ My heart goes 'round and 'round ♪

♪ My love comes tumblin' down ♪

♪ You leave me, ahh
Breathless, ahh ♪

♪ Well, I shake all over
And you know why ♪

♪ I'm sure it's love
Honey, it ain't no lie ♪

♪ 'Cause when you call my name
You know I burn like wooden flame ♪

♪ You leave me, ahh
Breathless, ahh ♪

♪ Ooh, baby, you're driving me crazy ♪

♪ You're much too much
I cannot love you enough ♪

♪ It's all right, hold me tight ♪

♪ When you love me, love me right ♪

♪ Come on, baby, now don't be shy ♪

♪ This love was meant for you and I ♪

♪ Wind, rain, sleet of snow
I'm gonna getcha wherever you go ♪

♪ You leave me, ahh
Breathless, ahh ♪

[song fades]