01x03 - Ramona Rents a Video

[bunniefuu]

- [gentle music playing]
- [children clamoring faintly]

[bee buzzing]

[typing]

[pop]

[moans]

[acoustic music playing faintly]

Hmm.

Okay, there I am, right,

at my roommate's
bandmate's funeral thinking,

"Whoa, like, what if I can die?"

And just when I found out I'm a cinephile?

Anyways, that's why I'm busy
writing this movie.

So don't bother calling.

Oh, this is your son, by the way.

Young Neil.

[upbeat music playing]

[slurping]

[whooshing]

- [keyboard clicking]
- [muttering]

[music halts]

- [moans]
- [pops]

[chair rattles]

- I've written nothing?
- [mouse scrolling]

- Ahh!
- [thuds]

[rattles]

[dog barking]

[typing]

[blinds rustling]

- [dog continues barking]
- [Young Neil moans]

Hmm? [gasps]

[breathing shakily]

W... What?

[breath trembling]

[eerie music playing]

[breath trembling]

[gasps]

My... My... My... My sleep paralysis demon?

[heart b*ating]

[music intensifies, halts]

[gasps]

[birds tweeting]

[groaning]

Hmm?

[chair rattles]

Whoa.

I wrote
a feature-length screenplay in my sleep.

[chair rattles]

- I'm a screenwriter!
- [fanfare plays]

["Bloom" by Necry Talkie playing]

[song ends]

[squelches]

[mellow music playing]

[gloves snap]

[slathering]

[knob squeaks]

[squelching]

[slathering]

- [meows]
- [slathering]

- [water splashing]
- [drain gurgles]

- [mirror squeaks]
- [music halts]

[wind whooshing]

[coffee machine whirring]

[pot thuds]

- [spoon clinks]
- [door opens]

You changed your hair. What's up, Ramona?

Nothing major.

Just, somebody kidnapped
Scott Pilgrim and faked his death.

You're [bleep] joking.

Stacey, I'm taking my fifteen.

- [glass shatters]
- You took your fifteen 20 minutes ago!

And would you stop swearing?
We have [bleep] customers!

[Bleep] my life!

[groans, scoffs]

Tell me everything.

Last night, in my dreams,
I saw Scott's subspace highway...

[gentle music playing]

...and heard his voice.

[Scott in the distance] Ramona...

[Julie] Subspace what?

[Ramona] It doesn't matter.

I think it means he's alive.

[pensive music playing]

So I went back to The Rockit
to look at the security footage

of what we thought was Scott's death.

[pensive music continues]

[mouse clicking]

[ethereal zapping]

[whooshing]

[whooshing]

Someone grabbed him
and pulled him into a portal.

[whooshing continues]

[coins jingle]

[chimes]

Somebody wants us to think he's dead.

- Mmm.
- I knew it was too good to be true.

[Wallace] Can a guy get a croissant?

[Ramona] Wallace?
Have you been out all night?

- Did you say Scott's alive?
- [Ramona] Yeah.

[laughs]

[sighs] Trippy.

Well, if you see him,
tell him I changed the locks.

And if you see me,
remind me to change the locks.

Your sugar daddy days are over?

For him, absolutely.

For others, we'll see.

- The future is a mystery.
- [enchanted sparkling]

[Julie] Here's your [buzzes] croissant!

[Wallace] Ladies.

[sighs] So why would someone kidnap Scott?

And why would they get my hopes up
by making it seem like he was dead?

I haven't figured that out yet.

[Julie] Yet?

Don't tell me
you're gonna try to find him.

I think I have to.

Ramona, I don't see
how any of this is your responsibility.

You went on one date.
How good could it have been?

Honestly, great.

Your date with Scott Pilgrim?

- Yikes.
- [chuckles]

[Julie] Well, more power to you.

So what's your next move, Columbo?

Well, you know everyone, right?

I thought you could give me a rundown
of the major characters in Scott's life.

More like major suspects.

- [chomps]
- Well, let's see. There's Stephen Stills.

My ex, the singer in the band.

He's a mess. Too much anxiety
for even the simplest decisions.

No way could he mastermind a kidnapping.

Then there's Stephen's roommate,
Young Neil.

He's kinda sheltered, and he's only 19,
but don't let that fool you.

He's an idiot.
He'd make Scott look like a genius,

but he can't,
because that's literally impossible.

What about Envy Adams?

Oh boy! Scott's ex. The big one...

Excuse me. I asked for an iced Americano.
This is a hot Americano...

- [Julie] Then add some ice cubes to it!
- [man whimpers]

You stupid [bleep].

As I was saying, Envy Adams
pulled Scott's heart out of his chest

and stomped all over it
with her patent leather combat boots.

And that was before she went on
to become a global sex symbol.

I saw her do her thing at the funeral.

She's even hotter in person.

Are we sure they dated?

Yeah, you're obviously not the only one
with questionable taste, Ramona.

- Hmm, who else?
- [chimes]

[gasps] You know who you should talk to?
His other ex.

- She's known him longer than anyone.
- Okay. Who is she?

[horn honks]

[Stephen sighs]

- What is Sex Bob-omb without Scott?
- [sighs]

He really added something to our sound,
something undefinable.

Bass. He added bass.

Right! Exactly!

Can we have a band with no bass?

[gasps] What if we find a new bass player
and they make us worse?

The odds are they'd make us better
because we probably sucked.

There's always Scott's understudy.

[guitar strumming]

Ugh!

No, no, no, no, no! I fear change!

[Knives] Hmm?

Hey, you wanna
try playing something together?

Just for fun?

[Knives] Me and you?

I don't see anyone else in here.

[amplifier thrums faintly]

How long have you been playing the drums?

[Kim] A long time. Since I was 14.

Drumming is a great outlet
for my emotions.

Rage, mostly.

[Knives] Wow!
But how do I know which notes to play?

It's up to you.
That's why they call it "play."

- Hmm.
- [guitar strumming]

[cymbal clanging]

[upbeat music playing]

Hmm.

[upbeat music continues]

Whoa!

[music halts]

[Kim and Knives exhale]

How long have you been playing bass?

Uh...

What time is it?

Uh, 4 p.m.

Oh. Then, four hours.

I'm late for work. [grunts]

[Stephen] Ever thought about collaborating
with a seasoned songwriter?

- [door opens, shuts]
- Uh... Huh?

[exhales]

[sighs]

[TV playing faintly]

- [door opens, shuts]
- [Kim sighs]

- [Kim] Sorry, I'm late.
- I don't care.

[door opens, shuts]

[clattering gently]

- [door opens, shuts]
- [doorbell chiming]

[coworker] Kim, customer.

[Kim] Funny thought.

Maybe he faked his own death
to get out of paying his late fees.

[chuckles] You're half right.

Which half?

He's not dead.

Huh. The house always wins.

[Ramona] Hmm?

It's just a dumb thing a dumb person
told me one time.

So. You've been using
Scott's unconscious dreamscape

to deliver DVDs quicker?

You're the first person in Canada
to understand that.

It's not a complicated concept.

No wonder you're putting us
out of business.

- Canada?
- No, video stores.

Julie said you knew him the longest.
When did you meet?

[teen Kim] You told me
you were good at drawing.

[teen Scott] Maps are hard.

If I had to draw a sheep, though,
I'd draw it perfect.

A sheep?

Draw me a sheep.

[marker squeaking]

That's the worst sheep I've ever seen.

What are you talking about?
This sheep is excellent!

[laughs]

[both laughing]

[Kim] He was always an idiot.

But one thing led to another,
and to my continued embarrassment,

Scott Pilgrim became my first boyfriend.

Uh, is Scott drawing you a sheep
your most romantic memory, or...

There was this one time
I was kidnapped by a rival school,

and Scott had to fight through
an entire army of teen jerks

and their leader Simon Lee to rescue me.

[Ramona] That's a romantic memory.

Yeah, but how romantic can a memory be
if things ended terribly?

[enchanted swell]

[Ramona] Well, you're still friends.

That's gotta be a good sign.

- He's at least a lovable idiot, right?
- [Kim] Hmm.

You like him, don't you?

- There were sparks.
- [ethereal chimes]

Oof. You're in trouble.

Why does this always happen to me?

I don't know. Maybe you could ask
one of your seven evil exes?

[bell dings]

I kinda assumed
they'd be your first suspects.

I'm not in a hurry to see them.

- [bell dings]
- [both] Huh?

[bell continues dinging]

What?

Sounds like Hollie's taking care of it.

Kim! Customer!

Oh! Huh.

This is unexpected.

[Roxie] Well,
you better get better at expecting.

You two know each other?

We were college roommates.

[Roxie snarls] And more!

And more.

- So, you're...
- [sword swishes]

[Roxie] Roxie Richter!
Ramona's fourth evil ex!

Okay!

- Fourth? What about two and three?
- [fire alarm ringing]

[Roxie] Four ain't nothing
but a number, baby.

- Besides, the League lies in ruin.
- [electric crackling]

So here I am!

Rox you like a hurricane!

- Why are you even...
- [Roxie] Shh, shh, shh, shh.

I'm here for us, Ramona.

First in line to win your heart.

Because I have something
the others never will.

[Ramona] Which is what, exactly?

[Roxie] Emotional intelligence.

None of these boys know
how to talk about their feelings.

What you fail to mention is
that when it comes to feelings,

you're as clueless as the boys.

[Roxie] That is so unfair!
You're just impossible to talk to!

You want to talk about feelings?
Start talking.

- [Roxie sighs] I've got a better idea.
- [intense music plays]

- Let's fight about 'em!
- [sword swishes]

[announcer] Roxie Richter
versus Ramona Flowers!

- Fight!
- [Ramona sighs]

Whoa! Whoa! [grunts]

[clattering]

- Huh?
- [Roxie grunts]

[tense swell]

[both grunt]

[Ramona groans]

Are we really doing this again? [grunts]

[loud thud]

[Ramona yells]

[Roxie grunts]

[growls, exhales]

Ramona! You [bleep]!

- [both grunt]
- [Ramona] Get off!

[both grunting]

[Roxie groans, yells]

- [Ramona yells]
- [music halts]

[horn blaring]

Huh? An old movie?

- [Roxie yells]
- [Ramona gasps]

[Ramona grunts]

[tense music playing]

Come on!

- [loud clang]
- [both grunt]

[screams]

They're ruining my movie.

[sighs] I'm taking my fifteen.

- [Ramona grunts]
- [Roxie panting]

- [Roxie groans]
- [both panting]

- Ora!
- [Ramona grunts]

[Ramona grunts, groans]

[growls]

[Roxie] You're done... Uh...

- Hmm.
- Huh?

- [distorted winding]
- [bloops]

- [chimes]
- That's cheap.

[Japanese music playing]

- [Ramona grunts]
- [Roxie groans]

[Roxie groans] Ugh!

[yells]

[snarls, grunts]

[grunting]

[exhales, groans]

[grunting, groaning]

I don't want to fight you, Roxie.

[exhales] Gonna run away?
Like you did back then?

Huh.

- [grunting]
- [dramatic music playing]

[sighs]

[dramatic swell]

[gentle music playing]

[Ramona] Roxie, I...

[growls]

- [Roxie yells]
- [loud bang]

[grunting]

- [loud thud]
- [yells]

[loud expl*si*n]

[plane whirs]

[both grunt]

[both panting]

[growls]

[groans]

Roxie...

I'm sorry.

For what?

For leaving the way I did.

[tender music playing]

[inaudible]

[music continues]

[inaudible]

I was too afraid to face you.

So you left without a word?

You made me feel like nothing!

You were afraid?

Good for you!

All I wanted was for you to see me!

I'm sorry.

Apology accepted.

But that doesn't mean
I'm gonna let you win.

- [growls]
- [plane whirring]

- [g*n sh*ts]
- Whoa!

[ties creak, snap]

[loud thudding]

[Roxie yelps, gasps]

[Roxie grunts]

[grunting, yelling]

Roxie!

[both grunt]

[Roxie grunting]

[Roxie whimpers]

[Ramona grunting]

[both screaming]

[wind whooshing]

[ethereal swell]

[ethereal music playing]

[Roxie grunts]

Roxie!

[panting]

[Ramona grunts]

[Ramona continues panting]

[Ramona exhales]

[both breathing heavily]

- [gentle music playing]
- [Roxie groans]

[exhales]

[Roxie panting]

[exhales]

[sighs]

[sniffles]

As far as I'm concerned, you won.

College doesn't seem that long ago,
but we were pretty immature, weren't we?

[Roxie whimpers, sniffles]

[Roxie munching]

You know, I can't remember the last time
I just hung out with the girls.

- This is nice.
- [chips crunch]

[Ramona] The snacks aren't free, you know.

[Roxie] Come on! Fighting makes me hungry.

- [Ramona] You were really kicking my ass.
- [Roxie] You're not just saying that?

[Ramona] I never just say anything.

- [Roxie] Nice. Should we kiss?
- [Ramona] Uh-uh.

I have unfinished business with Scott.

Emotional business?

He's dead, Ramona.

He's not dead. It... It's complicated.
I've gotta find him first.

But I'd like to be your friend.

- With benefits?
- [Ramona] No benefits.

Worth a sh*t.

What about you?

Oh, I'm not...

Hmm.

- [Kim and Roxie breathing heavily]
- [romantic music playing]

No sparks.

Eh, worth a sh*t.

What about your hot coworker?
Is she coming back?

Okay, it's time for you to leave.

[scatting]

[Ramona] Phew.

At least I have one less suspect.

Roxie didn't know Scott was alive.

This was a productive day
as far as fights are concerned.

Everybody needs closure.
That's why they call it closure.

Now you're one step closer
to the dumb boy of your dreams,

and you buried the hatchet with an ex.

Multitasking.

[items rustling]

[water trickles]

[exhales]

- [dramatic sting]
- Ugh.

Don't tell me I'm gonna
have to do this with all seven of them.

Hollywood legend Lucas Lee
is one of your exes?

[Ramona] Unfortunately.

Damn, Ramona.

I know he's a handsome, big-chested,
devil-may-care Hollywood d-bag,

but is he evil enough
to kidnap a dude and fake his death?

Only one way to find out.

- [car whooshes]
- [dramatic music plays]

[clicks]

[slosh]

[buzzes, whirs]

[woman gasps] My mistake.
I thought you were a garbage can. Sorry!

[rain pattering]

[train clacking]

[sighs]

[groans] Oh [bleep].

[exhales]

[Julie gasps]

Gideon Graves? G-Man?

So you don't remember me.

Huh?

Gideon Graves wasn't my birth name.

It was an identity I created.

When I moved to New York City,
I left my past behind and leveled up.

But back in the day,
you knew me by another name.

[pensive music playing]

Uh...

[dramatic swell]

[gasps] Gordon?

Gordon Goose from North Bay, Ontario?

[whispers] Fearless.

Then you do remember me.

You may be the only one who does.

Julie, I... I've lost everything.

My empire is gone.
My billionaire friends have shunned me.

Even my millionaire friends
have turned their backs.

I couldn't even get
a reservation at McDonald's.

They laughed at me when I called.

So I spent the last of my pocket money
on bus fare to Toronto

just to see one sympathetic face.

[Gordon crying]

[Julie] Gordon,

get your butt in here.

[sighs]

- [ethereal music playing]
- [footstep echoes]

[music fades]

["You Wouldn't Like Me"
by Tegan and Sara playing]

♪ There's a w*r inside of me ♪

♪ Do I cause new heartbreak to write
A new broken song? ♪

♪ Do I push it down
Or let it run me right into the ground? ♪

♪ I... I feel like ♪

♪ I wouldn't like me if I met me ♪

♪ Well, I can't stop talking
For fear of listening to unwelcome sound ♪

♪ And you haven't called me in weeks
And honestly, it's bringing me down ♪

♪ Oh, I... I feel like ♪

♪ I wouldn't like me if I met me ♪

♪ I... I feel like ♪

♪ You wouldn't like me if you met me ♪

♪ And don't you worry ♪

♪ There's still time ♪

♪ Don't you worry ♪

♪ There's still time ♪

♪ There's nothing to live for
When I'm sleepin' alone... ♪

[song fades]