03x01 - To Salve and Salve Not!/No Pants Today

[bunniefuu]

( laughter )

( doorbell )

( Stimpy )
Why sure,
I'll take one.

4,095, 4,098, 7,000.

There you go,
thanks again.

Hey, Ren !

Guess what ?

Let's see.

Am I going to have
to k*ll you ?

Maybe.

Well, who was it ?

It was a nice man

who will change
the way we live forever.

What are you talking
about, you idiot ?

Wait here,
I'll be right back.

What, I suppose you bought
another stupid subscrip--

huh ?

Hey, Ren, look
what I just bought.

Why, I oughta...

hold it.

Before you smack me,
let me extol the virtues

of this wondrous
time-Saving device.

Ahem...

allow me to demonstrate
the full capabilities of

the one and
only titan 4,000.

This baby has
600 cubic inches of raw,

dirt-destroying,
carpet-Ripping horsepower.

From its turbocharged,
fully blown hemi.

Allow me to
demonstrate.

Stimpy, I am really going
to enjoy b*ating you this--

coming through !

And it can suck
a monkey through

30 feet of garden hose.

( gasp )

( screaming )

See, Ren.

It's the last word in
domestic technology.

( screaming )

Must save the brain !

And it's ours for only
12,000 easy monthly payments.

( snoring )

( doorbell )

Joy !

Howdy-do, neighbor !

You look like a man who could
use a good can of salve !

Well, I--

what's salve, you say ?

Why, it's the wonderful
goop with a jillion uses.

Where would we be today
without salve ?

I--

let me ask
you a question.

How do you think
George Washington

fit into his
party dress ?

Hmm...

salve !

Let me ask you
a personal question.

How do you think Columbus
discovered scurvy ?

S-s-salve ?

That's absolutely
kee-Rrect !

What do you say, pal ?

How many cans can
I put you down for ?

Hey, Ren,
let's buy some--

how dare you take advantage
of my blithering idiot !

Now take your smelly old
salve and get outta here.

That's for you.

Ah !

Eee !

Ah !

Hmm...

( laughing )

Hmm...

( struggling )

Knock, knock !

( gasping )

Having trouble
with your hair ?

Nothing a healthy dollop of
salve couldn't take care of.

In fact, we can fashion
a whole new hairstyle.

( screeching )

( door slamming )

Get down from there !

How many times do
I have to tell you ?

Stay outta my stuff !

Playing with makeup
is for grownups--

not boys like you.

Maybe someday,

when you're a grown
man like me.

( screaming )

Here, why don't you
keep yourself busy

and clean up this mess.

That oughtta keep you away
from any more stupid salesman.

Okay, Ren.

What's the matter, bub ?
Out of soap again ?

Well, who needs it ?

Why wash away dirt
the old-fashioned way,

when you can hide it
the all-new salve way ?

A little dab'll do ya.

And how 'bout
that lemony scent ?

I'll buy it !

( Ren )
Hey !

Drop that salve !

We... don't...
want... no...

salve !

( burbling )
Salve would do wonders
on these rusty pipes...

hey, Stimpy, hurry up
with that jelly sandwich.

Five, four, nine,
12, one, bingo !

Hey, don't use jelly,
have a salve-wich instead.

It's indigestible !

Wow !

Gimme 100 bucks worth !

All right, that's it !

What did I tell you about
buying ointment from food ?

I've had it !

I'll show you what we do
to parasitic salesmen

pigs like you.

I'll teach you to swindle
my idiot sidekick.

Oww, oww, oww !

Well, that's that.

( whistling )

( growling )

( laughing )

Well, I finally got rid
of that pesky salesman.

Now to relax
with a good book.

Wha ?

Psst, hey buddy.

You wouldn't be
in this mess now

if you had a can
of salve on hand.

I can take it no longer.

You win.

I'll buy a stinkin' can
of your stupid salve.

Sorry, pal, but your
stupid fat friend just

bought all my salve !

( crying )

Hee !

♪ Happy happy joy joy ♪

( gurgling )

♪ Happy happy joy joy ♪

( humming )

♪ La la la la
joy joy ♪

Ren, have you
seen my pants ?

Huh, what ?

I can't find my pants.

Shut up, you fool.

You're a cat,
you don't have any pants.

And I'm trying to sleep,
so keep quiet... stupid.

I'm naked under
this towel.

What am I gonna do ?

You're going to stop this
naked foolery and go outside.

Oww !

Right now !

It's too nice a day
to be stupid indoors.

Hey, lady, can
I borrow those pants ?

Why, certainly--

eek !

A naked cat !

Honey, make it go away !

You there.

Running around naked in
front of god-fearing people.

Aren't you ashamed ?

We know how to take care of
filthy little beasts like you.

( gurgling )

Taste the wrath of my hose,
you heathen cat !

I guess I showed you who wears
the pants in this neighborhood.

Ahh, I'm safe.

( chain saw buzzing )

♪ Little tree
little tree ♪

( humming )

( crash )

Yee-ha !

( gasping )

It's victor,
the neighborhood sadist.

( humming )

Adios, tree !

Haha, yee-ha !

Well, what have we here ?

Naked, huh ?

I know what
that's like.

Bet you'd like
a pair of these.

( laughing )

Yeah.

Oh, no you don't,
it's not that easy.

Hmm... I know !

We can make a trade !

But I'm naked,
I have nothing to trade.

I'll tell you what.

I'll give you my B.V.D.s,
if you let me...

slug you in
the stomach !

But I don't want you to
slug me in the stomach.

It's all right,
I'm a professional bully.

Well, okay.

Now just relax and think of
something really pleasant

because this is
really gonna hurt.

Happy, happy...

joy, joy...

( revving engine )

Whew... man.

This stomach-pounding
stuff is hard work.

Can I have your
underwear now ?

Why, of course.

We bullies always live
up to our promises.

We have a code.

But, uh...

we can't do it here.

We'll have to take
a drive in the country.

Who's the punk, son ?

Oh, he's just a stupid cat
I promised my underwear to.

Yeah, you promised.

That's not the Christmas
underwear your mother

embroidered, is it ?

Umm, yes, sir.

You know, son,

it'll break your mother's
heart if you give them away.

You're right, dad.

You promised,
you promised !

( crying )

I'll tell you what,
you can have my underwear.

Yeah, it's June.

I gotta change
'em anyway.

Ah !

♪ Look what I have
for you ♪

that's right,
jump for daddy.

( blubbering )

You promised.

All right,
you little crybaby.

Crybaby, crybaby !

There you go.

Joy !

Hmm, kinda baggy
in the derriere.

Son, get some rope,
tie those up for him.

Okay, pop.

You happy ?

Good, now get out !

( laughing )

Whoa !

( crash )

I'm b*at-up, dirty,
and lost in the woods.

But I got my pants !

( male voice )
All right, buddy,
reach for the sky.

Don't turn around !

Now hand over
your underpants.

Pronto, moo !

Come on, come on.

This thing hasn't been
milked in two weeks.

It could go off
at any second.

Ah !

Say, aren't these
just Jim dandy !

Mmm, warm and snug,
just like I like 'em.

Hey, turn around, Nancy.

Oh !

That's pretty.

You've been kind enough
to give me your pants,

so I'm gonna help
you on your way.

Now you just
wait right here.

I'll be right back.

He's such a nice cow.

Good luck, son,
you'll need it.

Moo !

( voices )
Where's your clothes, man ?

Where's your
clothes, boy ?

Filthy little monkey.

Dirty little boy.

Run, run...

have you no shame ?

Nowhere to hide.

( chanting )
Where's your pants ?
Where's your pants...

( teeth chattering )

All right, what seems
to be the problem here ?

I don't--

I don't have any pants.

Hmm, thunderation, boy !

You're as naked as
the day you was born.

Where's your
doggone clothes ?

We don't cotton to you sick
nudist types around here.

Maybe you can get away
with that in the city,

but not in this
neck of the woods.

But I wanna
wear clothes !

Oh, well,
that's different.

Why don't you take this
and cover yourself.

Oh, nice !

Not only did I save
my reputation,

but now I'm
a trendsetter.

Yeah !

I'll see you later.

Sicko.

And that's what
happened, Ren.

How many times
have I told you ?

You're a cat,
you don't need pants.

However, this lovely gown
might look nice on you.

And here's one for
your little friend.

( screaming )

Well, I do have to admit,
we do look divine.

Let's go down to the malt shop
and show off our new outfits.

Okay, gals ?

( giggling )

( cackling )