Lady Ballers (2023)

[bunniefuu]

What are you doing, man?

What are you doing?

You guys are doing great, man.

You're doing so you're doing such a better job.

And honestly, this time it's going to what

the hell?

You call that a pass?

You called that a catch.

Your mom's a catch. She's your mom, too.

Hey, get off the floor. What's the matter

with you? You're playing like JV girls out

there. And for the record, your mother is

not a catch. She was sightedly unfaithful

to your dad. Come on,

Coach. Gabe gonna be all right. No,

Gabe's not gonna be all right, David.

Gabe blew his ACL and probably our chance

at being state champ. But, Coach, you're

already a state champ. Two time state

champ. It's true for me. This is a

minor step back. For you boys,

this is it. This is your sh*t. No state

championship means well. It means no

making your parents proud. It means no

scholarship to Michigan. But Michigan's my

dream. It means Gabriel d*ed in vain. You

said it was his ACL. Well, he can't score

points in the second half, so he's dead to

me. What about me and Blaine? I mean, I'm

being honest. I see you both ending up

used car salesmen. Either way, nice. But

you can kiss your chances with Rebecca

VanderKamp goodbye. Damn. She isn't any

you. No, she isn't any you.

Come on, Coach. You must have something to

help us win. I already threw three chairs

on the sidelines, pal. I don't know what

else you want from me. And that was

inspiring, for sure.

But what? You know,

you want to pep talk Alex? Is that it?

You think I'm like one of those coaches on

TV who can just give a speech and change

the face of every young man in a locker

room? That I could, by dent of my rhetoric

alone so stir the hearts of my team as to

snatch victory from the jaws of certain

defeat, that by the virtue of my soaring

oratory alone I might muster the animal

spirit in each and every one of you, that

you might do the impossible. Strive

harder, dig deeper. And say to that

ancient enemy of man who promised an easy

life with no suffering or glory no,

not me, not today to call forth the future

and all the wonderful and terrible

possibility it holds. Not for the meek.

But for the bold, for the brave, for those

willing to risk it all that history might

remember their names, remember their

struggle, and remember what it means to be

a tiger. To those who say in the voice of

thunder, winners are just losers

who win I said, winners are just losers

who win. Winners are just losers who

win. Winners are just losers who win.

Winners are just losers who win. Let's get

out there. Let's go. Let's go.

You're a god among men, Coach. I am,

Cowboy. I really am.

It's Felix sake.

It's over. But it's just starting,

can't you see? Ain't going nowhere until

the others finally see it takes a

strong one to stand and face the

cup me don't

know about

it ain't alphabetical

they are calling you Coach Miracle. The

coach of the new millennium, the future of

basketball. What do you say to that?

What do you say for yourself, lady? What

can I possibly say that three state

championships hadn't said already? Go

Tigers. Nice. Any indication

the future looks bright for Coach Miracle.

Go Tigers.

Go,

Coach.

What does it take to be a man? Is it

money, fame? Respect?

Maybe. But what do those things have in

common? What do they take to achieve? You

have to win. You have to be a winner

tonight. I have a question before you

gentlemen. You gonna go out there today

and play like it's just another game? Or

are you gonna go out there and play like

this could be the beginning of dammit,

Kevin, could you put the cell phone down,

buddy, please? Dwayne guys,

this is serious. Sports can be your

pathway to a better life. Well, like

yours. No, not like mine.

Better like this.

The global games. When I was a kid, you

had to be an elite athlete just to try out

for the games. Never let any loser try any

loser. And if that loser happens to win,

well, now he's

not a loser at all, is he?

He's a winner. Isn't that worth something?

Isn't that worth a sh*t?

Nothing? No.

All right, good talk, boys. Please don't

steal my catalytic converter again on your

way out. Yo can't talk to us like that.

You're right, Kevin. I'm sorry,

buddy. You dropped your cordless

reciprocating saw.

Kevin really feel like

he would have heard that?

It's racism, Rob. You can't tell a bunch

of teenage boys not to steal. Yes, you

can, Gary. It's one of the most important

things you should be teaching them. It's

literally in the Bible. Which you also

can't teach them. You're 86 from the rec

center, pal. Come on, you know I need this

job, Gary.

You sorry,

Miss Brethwell. I'm normally very

punctual. This is the fourth time, Mr.

Dibson. What's that?

This is the fourth time. It's the

obedience trap, lady. I can't hear

anything through it. This is the fourth

time. Crying out loud. I don't even have a

catalytic converter. You got to speak up.

This is the fourth time. See, there you

go. You're a beautiful woman. It's a

beautiful day. Maybe a little concealer

next time.

Put her there, kiddo. Hey, what's wrong?

You were really late, Daddy. I know,

baby girl. What can I say? Daddy was on

the court. Okay? On the court. There she

is. What'd that big brain of yours learned

at school today? We learned all about the

Cold w*r. Oh, yeah? Our history teacher

led us in a moment of silence for all the

workers exploited by the capitalistic

system. You should ask your history

teacher which side people ran to when the

Berlin Wall fell. What's the Berlin Wall?

Oh, and Mary Margaret showed me her penis.

Some boy showed you his penis? What? No.

Not a boy, daddy. Gross. Mary Margaret.

She's a girl. Girls don't have penises,

Winnie. Mary Margaret does. Penises are

weird. Can we stop saying penis, please?

Where'd this happen anyway? In the

bathroom. Well, why are they letting boys

in the girls bathroom? Why do you keep

misgendering, Mary Margaret?

Misgendering? What are you talking about?

It's very transphobic of you. How do you

know the word transphobic? I'm eight years

old. Exactly. You're eight years old.

Okay, boomer.

You know what? It's fine. We'll just have

to get you into a private school. Some of

them have good sports programs. Private

schools reinforce white patriarchal

privilege. Teach you that at public

school, did they? No. Mommy's boyfriend

Chris told me he's an ally. Is he?

We'll see about that.

Hi. How are you? You have

a good time? Yeah, Daddy. Who's. Okay. Is

he late? Okay.

Hey, we need to talk.

Thank you for picking up Winnie, Robert.

We're married for 15 years. Darby can call

me Rob. Darby and Robert will do

just fine, Coach. Rob. Oh, good. My

lover's. Former lover.

Okay.

Look at us. One big unconventional family

lover. I think your transition into

divorce will be smoother if Coach moved in

with us. Absolutely not. Never going to

happen. Well, Coach, now that we're

basically co, dads, I was wondering if

you'd like to help me train for the

Nashville runs.

$5,000 prizes. My body's a sacred temple.

I'm all about physical fitness, bug based

foods, mRNA vaccines, equitable and

inclusive hiking. There it is. My lover

says you were a great coach back in the

day. Honey, why don't you go help Winnie

with her homework? Light and love,

Coach. Light and love.

Is this the guy you replaced me with?

Seriously, I'm not having this

conversation. Yeah, well, I don't like the

things that he's teaching Winnie. How

about that? Chris is a good man who cares

about other people and the world around

him? It's not just winning some stupid

game. Hey, basketball is not a stupid

game. And winning matters. It's the key

ingredient in becoming a winner. Maybe you

should try it sometime.

Unbelievable.

It.

Can I help you? Yeah, I used to work here.

They said I could come back anytime. How

long ago was this? 25 years. Is this still

compact disks forever? Not for the last 24

and a half years. But it doesn't matter.

You're hired. Cool. You don't need to ask

many questions first. We only have one

question at the doll house. What's your

bra size?

What's up?

It what

a way to make a living.

I just had no idea men could be so handsy.

Really makes you think about how you treat

women. Thanks, babe.

What the heck happened to you, Coach?

That's just it. Nothing happened to me. I

stayed the same and the world changed.

One day it's all about winning. The next

day, they want you to lead from behind.

Don't be mean to the kids. Don't push them

so hard. Don't make fun of the losers.

Are you supposed to win that way, man?

What about you? You know,

everyone always told me I could do

anything I wanted. So what does any kid

who can choose anything in the world?

Actor. Actor. Always thought you were

straight. I am straight.

Who could doubt it? Well, either way,

turns out white male of non exotic

sexuality is the only ethnic group not

being cast by Hollywood these days. Yeah.

I hear Disney's gonna make the new snow

white. And neurodivergent lesbians.

Neurodivergent black lesbians. I don't

understand the world wasn't that long ago

we were champions. Winners. You're the

fastest point guard in Tennessee. No, I'm

still pretty fast. Yeah?

How fast are we talking?

Just going to the end of the alley and

back. Nothing to it. On your mark, get

set. Coach, this is ridiculous. I got to

get some sleep. I'm working nine to five.

You hear yourself, right?

Buddy, we're talking about $5,000 here.

Think about what we could do with that

money. Think about what we could not do

with that money.

I do miss being a winner. Yeah, you do.

Knowing who you were, knowing your

purpose. That's what I'm talking about.

Your money could be nice. Damn right it

would be. Fine. Hold my

heels. Had a boy.

On your mark, get a setup.

We are definitely homeschooling.

Not bad for a girl.

Seriously, buddy, I think with some

training and some excellent coaching, you

could be competitive. No.

How much?

We're not actually, ladies I see

it. How much wonder

all right, Coach, you got this. Just like

the old days. You get out there and win.

Here we go.

You're late. Tina made me clean all the

fry traps again. I nearly got grease all

over my good wig. Now we'll lose the wig,

would you? We're in public, for crying out

loud. Coach Rob.

Daddy. Hey.

There's my girl. Former lover. Don't call

me that. You came to cheer me on?

Actually, I'm here professionally. What

profession? You remember Alex, my former

student? Oh, hey, Mrs. G.

Yay, daddy. You're going to be a coach?

Yes, I am.

I see you.

Okay, big guy. We feel seen. Thank you.

Just going to go get seen by the

registration lady. Good luck, pal.

Thank you. I need

to register my athlete, please. Name?

Alex Cruz.

I'm sorry, sir. The men's events are all

full. Next. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you

talking about? You're late and there's

nothing I can do, so next. That's

bullshit. He's a

white man. I've been here the whole time.

Cut me some slack. I need to help the next

athlete. Help him what? You said it's

full. Are you going to move? I am not.

Coach, I'm sorry. I couldn't find my

wipes. Oh, my crap. You're a trans woman.

Oh, my crap, I taste an ally.

There you go, miss. This is everything you

need for the women's heptathlon and all

other events. And you know what? I'm just

going to go ahead and waive that entry

fee. It is so wonderful what you're

doing. No, I'm not.

I'm just glad we were able to get this

worked out without having to get social

media involved. Please, I have

a family and a q*eer dog.

Oh, she tastes me

down. Let me down. Coach. What the heck

was that?

I'm not going to compete against women.

Are you crazy? Do you have any idea how

much faster even a man past his prime like

you is than a female athlete past his

prime? High school boys can run faster

than world record female sprinters.

You're going to get out there and you're

going to b*at these chicks. I'm a man.

Says who? I have. That doesn't matter

anymore. Look, my eight year old daughter

told me all about it. This is the way the

world is now. This is wrong.

We wear a dress every freaking day.

When's the last time you could say we were

wearing the dress of a champion? When's

the last time you could look in the mirror

and say, this is the makeup of a winner?

The tatas of a titan.

You're wearing a thong, aren't you? Yeah.

You're staying? Character unbelievable.

This is the hand life of belchi. Are you

going to waste it or are you going to get

out there and be the best lady you can be?

Best lady I can be. That's a spirit.

There we go. So we

not it alone. She knows she's

got it all get

it right. Keep it tight like a psycho girl

burning brighter watch your fight,

lighten up the world. Keep your gucci,

keep your coach and keep your product.

She's okay with second hand and working

harder. Go to sight every night like a

psycho girl. She's a psycho girl. Be like

a psycho girl. Go.

Don't look at me. Run, you son of a bitch.

Get it right. Keep it tight like a psycho

girl burning brighter watch your fight,

lighten up the world. Keep your gucci,

keep your coach and keep your products

she's okay the second hand and working

harder. Golden sight every night like a

cycle girl. She's there's

breaking news tonight from the all city

Heptathlon where Alex Cruz, a brave

and beautiful trans woman, has taken gold

in the female competition, winning in

every single event by wide margins.

That's right, drake and Wiaw's own Gwen

Wilde is on the scene with more from this

unprecedented moment. Thanks, Stacey.

Indeed, history was made today as middle

Tennessee's own Alex Cruz, a brave and

beautiful former high school basketball

state champion, absolutely dominated the

women's heptathlon, setting new records in

both javelin and shop putt the

secret to her success, according to Alex,

her coach. I want to thank my parents for

always supporting me no matter what. And

my coach, Rob Gibson. I've never once been

a winner without him.

Gwen. Stacey Santiago. O'Brien here.

There's no question that good coaching can

make a difference. But isn't there another

reason why Alex might have completely

crushed the competition? I don't know what

you're saying, Stacey. I think Stacey is

referring to the obvious fact that Alex is

a what? Well,

I mean, as brave and beautiful as he is,

she she is brave and beautiful,

of course. But she does have certain

advantages over a real woman. Right.

Well, Stacey Drake, all I can say to

that is how dare you. Trans women are real

women and thus have no innate differences

with other women whatsoever. The only

story here for which I fully intend to win

a Pulitzer is that absolutely nothing out

of the ordinary happened here tonight.

And we should all celebrate the brave,

beautiful woman who did it. Back to you.

To you, bud. Probably the least sexy,

elite female athlete of all time. Hold on.

I've been informed that I am, in fact,

not only brave, but also beautiful. You

know what you are? You're $500 richer.

That's what you are. 500.

Cleaner taxes, attorneys fees, child

support. Well, not cheers

of that.

What is that? Bud Light I'm sponsored now?

No, buddy, they'll give that sh*t to any

dude in the press.

I better roll out. It's Wednesday.

Tomorrow the only day with

double DS. It's a pretty big deal at the

doll house. Doll house? What are you going

back to that place for when you got a

corporate sponsorship and five Benjamins

in your bra? I don't know. I guess I don't

completely hate it there. And a man can't

live on $500 for long. $500 is just the

beginning, Gwen Wild. Come on,

let's cut to the chase. I know you're not

a woman. How? He identifies

david, I'm a journalist. I literally

cannot be shamed. And I don't care how you

identify. Unless you've cried three times

in the same day from the pain of menstrual

cramps. Frustration with your boyfriend

for not understanding the pain of

menstrual cramps. And frustration with

yourself for being so mean to your

boyfriend for not understanding the pain

of menstrual cramps. You are not a woman.

That's strangely specific. It's cute that

you think so. But you just did that entire

story to what? To make a name for myself?

To get clicks? To gain power? What part of

I'm a journalist do you not understand? I

guess all of it. Look, what do you know

about the US. Opens for the Global Games?

First time in history amateur athletes can

compete to represent the USA. Exactly.

The diversity and inclusion crowd decided

to democratize the Global Games. Now

anyone has a chance.

Any woman has a chance.

Don't you see? Men are faster, stronger,

meaner. The entire reason we created

women's sports was to keep you out.

But now.

Soon all the best women will be men.

Cheating, low life men like

you. You want us to compete

as women? Think of the sponsorships.

Think of the fame. People will hate us.

People will love you. How do you know?

Because I'm going to tell them to. That's

the deal. I won't tell the world the truth

about you and in exchange, I get to tell

them the lie. I get the exclusive,

plus half the money. Half? Go home.

Think about it. You'll see I'm right.

Not you. Coach. You're going home with me.

You're a winner now. Every woman wants a

winner. You literally just called me a

cheating, low life one.

Now put your tongue down my throat.

Coach. Alex, we could play basketball.

Could be like the old day. We'd have to

get the whole team back together. You

think there's a chance?

You know you always get a fair deal on

wheels and three square meals here at

Crane and Company.

And if you need a ride to the airport, we

can do that, too. Because we have two

gently used love wagons and one of us is

more than happy to give you the ride of a

lifetime.

Isn't that the hot little money? Since

1987, we've had our own continuously

operational smorgasbord on site.

Isn't that the hot little money? So

whether that's wheels on meals or a ride

to the airport, we do it all for you.

Middle Tennessee.

And we sell mailbox.

All right, ladies. Good job. Listen, if

you don't have dinner later, just make

sure you call me up. Just let me know.

Should have gone to med school. Awake,

Daddy. Boom, tell me

the cameras are still rolling.

You have lost your mind. You've lost your

mind. What did you just say? You heard me.

Look clean to me, boys. Tosh Alex.

It's good to see you boys still love the

game. Means we can get right to it. Yeah,

coach, what's the deal with that? You need

another catalytic converter again or

something? Yes, I do, Jake. But that's not

why we're here. We're here on serious

business. Basketball business.

I can get the blinds, please. Code eleven.

You guys are going to love what

fresh hell is this?

Oh, yeah,

it oh, yeah.

This, my friends, is the Crane Cave.

Alex, is that a purse? It's a

purse.

It's a purse.

What is this, my man? This is

where the action happens.

What's this one, my man? This is

where the action happened. In the same

room? Yeah.

Gentlemen, take a seat.

Let's talk basketball.

We're getting the old state champs back

together. For what? Just say.

Alex and I are working on a new strategy.

Something to get us back into the game

professionally. Coach, we're old. We're

out of practice. We're in. We're in.

Coach. What, bro?

Professionals. Honestly,

when's the last time you felt like

someone? I mean, I kind of always feel

like someone, but when's the last time you

got laid. We're in. Now, you guys got

David already, right? Coach, we have to

have the human tower. No one's heard from

David since he blew that college

championship game. But there have been

sightings.

I'll get my hiking boots.

Hey, Coach, you didn't mention the hold.

One thing at a time, Buddy. One thing at a

time.

Got it. GBS says we're here.

I don't see anything.

Damn it. I lost the signal.

The hell was that?

David. Coach.

What are you guys doing here?

Stop.

I mean, it's fine. You're all very safe.

We are not safe,

Coach. My life is here. I'm a man

of peace. Now, how many badgers have you

k*lled?

All but one. Ma'am. This jerk

is great. What is venison?

Squirrel? Look,

David, I get it, man. You're fat, you're

old, you're slow, you're very fat.

Like Shaquille O'Neill if he was mediocre

and white.

That's it. That's the pitch. Yeah, coach,

I'm not a good speech giver. I'm sorry.

Look, buddy, we need you. You're the heart

of the team. You're the center. I said no.

I can't go back. Not after the not

afternoon.

What was that? Badger humping?

I don't know, buddy. Maybe this is your

sh*t at redemption. I have been redeemed

through badger blood, redeemed through

basketball. This whole badger m*rder thing

is a weird tangent.

You guys should leave.

I'm not fat. Disgustingly fat.

We miss you, pal.

You're not not fat. You it.

It.

What if this isn't about revenge at all?

What if it's just about basketball?

Please let me go. Shut your mouth, you

pervert. Badger.

I'll be back.

It coach.

I'm in. Nice.

Is that a purse? Play some basketball?

No,

we just need one more player to round out

the squad. What about Jamal? Nah, he's

dead. Found him in the middle of the

street with a hole through the top of his

head. Cops said it was almost like some

type of laser from space and all over the

weird. What about that little guy he was

always picking on? Not a bad player.

Moisha revealed he was Maasad even back in

high school. Well, that's it.

That's everybody. My man.

Looking smooth. Man, you guys weren't

kidding. These Jeremy's razors are

amazing. And did you know that Jeremy's

now offers a razor specially designed for

women? And don't forget about

Jeremy's shampoo and conditioner. They

keep our hair silky and smooth.

Didn't we just find someone else from the

year before? No, it has to be somebody

from this team. The championship team. I

knew this was too good to be true. Hey,

what about Felix towelboy?

Felix guys. We used to shove him in the

lockers after we total

loser. I heard he's rich.

He's in.

I'm in.

What's with the cat? Cindy Clawford.

She was my grandma's cat, and now she's

mine. I love her more than anything in the

whole world, bro. I'm allergic to cats.

Cats are stupid. More of a dog guy.

I can't wait to show you guys around.

Who is this guy at the Willy Wonka the

Towel game? Oh, my God.

Come on. Towel boy has

become the towel man.

What do you do? Gym in your house? Oh,

yeah. After I sold my company, I thought,

I'm going to build the sickest gym for

when my bros come over.

But this is the first time we've ever come

over here, so it was

totally worth it. It's a draino

festival. Bring the kids. Oh, my goodness.

Nothing's changed.

Feels good to be back on the porch, big

guy. Oh, my God. Is that our mascot?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy, big guy.

That's our old tiger mask. Dude, that's

not nurse. This is a purse, bro.

Hey, bud. Hey, dad not

dead. Come on. Dinner, please. I'll never

hurt you. I'll never hurt you.

Always love you. What are you doing? You

know, our boys got serious PTSD issues.

You've got PTSD? That doesn't even make

any sense. You don't make sense.

Welcome to Epstein's Island. You know,

too much lifted.

Whoa, ELO.

Hey. What the hell's the matter with you?

That is enough.

You have a coach whistle. That's funny. I

have a race whistle. That's not funny.

This is the Dream Team. Seriously,

what's up? I'm Jake, and I love poetry.

No one cares. What's up. I'm Blaine, and I

hate poetry. Easy, boys. This is my

girlfriend.

I'm a reporter, and I'm here to start my

profile on the scene. Profile? Why would

we need a profile? We're just getting

started.

You haven't told them? Told us what?

Told us what?

Ray bad.

It's not that bad. Really? Have you lost

your mind? You know the name Crating

Company, it still means something in this

town. And we're not going to besmirch it

in this way. I'm going back

to the woods. I've never been so disgusted

in my life. I ain't no chick, bro.

I'd cut my d*ck off for you, Coach. Just

say the word and it's gone.

And I'm not dragging him into it. I'm not

doing some stupid thing.

Come on, take a knee,

boys. No men.

I know I'm asking a lot of you. Hell,

I've always asked a lot of you, even when

no one else would. Even when you didn't

think you had anything left to give. Do

you remember where that got us? I do.

I remember holding that trophy in my hands

with you boys by my side. And where have

you gotten since I stopped asking too much

of you? Jake and Blaine running the

Skeeziest car lot on the skeeziest side of

town. David too afraid to even leave

the woods. It's so fat. I've gained three

pounds since high school. You're fat. And

Felix. I mean

Felix. You did all right. Nobody saw that

coming. You know what I'm offering you

now? Something nobody's offered you in a

long time. A chance. A chance at

success. A chance at dignity.

A chance at redemption.

What about me, coach kind of already ended

the speech, buddy.

Screw it. I'm in.

Fine.

There's my boys. Me too.

So are we or aren't we cutting our dicks

off? Nobody's cutting their dicks off,

budy. I totally would, though, just for

the record. Dude, what's the

deal with those two heteropaternal

superfuckendation? They're half

brother twins.

Same mom, same time,

different dance. Sounds hot.

Daddy. Hey,

where's my little athlete? Oh, this is

Miss Gwen. Alex. Boyce, it's good to

see you. What's up, Mrs. G?

Hey, you.

Hello, Robert. Hello, Darby. Your hands

off my boyfriend.

Thanks for ringing by. Huh? I got a little

caught up. Look at this.

You got the state champs back together.

Yeah, we got a little something cooking,

if you can believe it. And a girlfriend.

She's a journalist. You can't believe

anything she says. No, it's fine.

I mean, why wouldn't you date?

I hope you're finally happy, Doc.

That's right. Walk away, bitch.

It's the mother of my child, okay?

Plus, I owe her a mortgage payment. It's

the newest one. This came out this year.

I saw a commercial for it. Lady Balders.

Man up. Come on.

Yes, sir. Ladies. Ladies. You look

ridiculous. Felix, get that bra off your

head. And you gotta shave your beard.

Girls don't have beards, right? Lots of

girls have beards, Daddy. My aunt

teacher's a girl. Her beard is gray.

Daddy's a little busy, so we're just going

to put those headphones right back your

little spawn is right. Girls can have

beards. It's a great headline.

What else has your teacher told you?

Heterosexual is a whole different

category. But really you only need a crap

ton of dr*gs or complicated surgery every

seven or eight months if your body gets a

big. So a guy can

become a girl with no physical changes at

all? They were always a girl.

Unless they decide they're guys again, in

which case they were always guys. But what

if they, like, go back and forth? Oh,

that's called jigger fluid. So I can be a

woman on the court and a man in the

bedroom? I can't believe it. Nice. You

mean when you're sleeping?

Yes. Okay, I think that's enough knowledge

for one day. Thank you, sweetie.

So any questions?

Yeah, coach? What is a woman?

Guys, it's easy. Women are just like men,

only better. Just shave your legs,

tell each other how brave you are for

things that require absolutely no physical

courage. And don't be afraid to cry at

work. Easy peasy.

All right, I think that's enough, ladies.

Better get some sleep. Tomorrow we start

winning. Let's go, brave you.

History is being made today, as for the

first time ever, the United States will

choose the athletes they send to the

Global Games. From a competition open to

all Americans. It's nice to know the

little guy has a chance for once. Gwen.

During my two weeks of sensitivity

training, I discovered that I am not only.

A raging scoliosexual, but also one 2048th

pure Dakota Indian, so I know what it's

like to overcome adversity. Right,

Stacy? Stacy Santiago O'Brien

is my sl*ve name.

Stacey drake, back to you.

Remember that feeling, boys. The thrill of

the crowd.

Are you crazy? What?

All right, pack it up. Pack it up. Here we

go. Here we go.

That's the end of the men's qualifying

round. Up next, the women who

owns this game, ladyball who was born for

this game, ladyball who loves America.

Ladyballers who can keep a secret.

Ladyballers. Ladyballers on 3123.

Ladyballers Sadie's.

Basketball, boys. Nobody watches. You said

the thrill of the crab. That was

rhetorical. How'd they clear out so fast?

It I don't know.

Hey, what's your problem? Never seen a

ladies basketball team before? Those

aren't like aren't what?

Guys, I'm getting paid, like, $50 to be

here. I don't care.

Hey,

I'm a lesbian. I'm a lesbian.

All right, ladies, keep it clean. Keep it

tucked. Just throw it back

on deep. Back on deep.

What are they doing? I think they're

running a set. They're making me nervous.

Hey, watch out. Watch out.

Oh, my God. I am so sorry.

Get down the corn.

You that's

garbage technical.

And you shut the up. Franz phobic mother.

Oh, it welcome

to my rodeo welcome to my rodeo

welcome to my rodeo welcome to

my welcome to my welcome to my rodeo.

This is great. It's like watching men's

basketball.

We're hugging. We're hugging. It's weird.

Ladyball forever, baby.

Davina. Yeah.

Guys, I'm on the team now.

That felt good.

The crowd loved us. Have you seen the

reaction on Social? We're heroes. I didn't

know it was going to feel this good. I

want to stuff myself in a locker.

How's it feel to be winners again, boys?

Amazing. Incredible. Amazing.

David, what's your problem?

I don't know, Coach. It's just some of

those girls we're out there b*ating,

they've worked their entire lives for this

opportunity. I didn't make the rules,

pal. Okay, but aren't we just using our

innate strength and speed to wail on

a bunch of girls in a competition where we

wouldn't stand a chance against other men?

None. I mean, Coach, what's that

make us? Winners? I'll take a course.

I would for a thousand growing couch. Not

cases. Cups of daily double.

Put a baby in me. What? No, you're right.

The last thing I need is another abortion

this year. You're a monster. What?

You have any idea what it takes to be a

female field reporter in the 29th biggest

media market? No.

Whatever. I just think what we're doing

here isn't right. No way.

I just got sponsored by Maybelline.

Nike wants me to be in a commercial about

tolerance or some crap. Nike wants me to

be in a commercial about tolerance or some

crap. I was just invited to the White

House to give a talk on women's rights.

You earn that, you own it. Slight girl you

go, girl. Welcome to the Virtue economy,

girls. And that's just from one game of

basketball. You could win at any

sport. You could win at every

sport. No. All right,

focus up, focus up. She's right, Coach.

We could dominate every woman's sport.

Running, swimming, soccer. I said sport,

Felix. Hey, we talked about this.

We should be kings. Queens.

No, that's not the plan. We're here to

play basketball. We still have four games

to go before we even qualify. You can't

assume they're all going to be this easy.

I'm with her.

Holy crap. They are going to be this easy.

It out in the streets,

you're fighting coming up in

a time where you

made it no one can take history

one small step for dudes one giant leap

for lesbian.

Always reaching, driving, sweating for it.

You're number one, so you know that got

him focused. There's a sleeping in when

you live the dream,

brother can't you see what

can take it for you?

You always had a day one of being a girl

athlete. I've already eaten a whole pint

of pistachio ice cream, given up on

parallel parking twice. Reread Sense and

Sensibility and started washing down

Benzodiazepines with Rose. I love you,

girl how'd I do? Ladies, this is

going to count on you.

Butterfly, just look inside we're waiting

on you you always had the freedom

take any commerce and be my pronouns

are I'm wrong you always

had the freedom no

mo ras.

If I'm really being honest, I've never

completely known myself. Or been known

until now. You've all overcome so many

obstacles. I've developed body positivity

issues. She's a. Yeah, it still hasn't

been easy. Some people wouldn't even let

us use the women's showers. No such

bigotry. You know, it's been especially

hard for Felix here, who was bullied in

high school. It's. She L coach.

Maybe you can just, like, not dead name me

for five freaking seconds. Okay. You know,

as my daughter Winnie has informed me,

one can even be trans age now, which

provides Shealix with a wonderful

opportunity to relive all the experiences

that she missed out on in school. Like

having my period never happened. Yes.

Let's go to the package.

What do you say, Coach, to people at home

who suggest your athletes have unfair

natural advantages and LeBron doesn't?

Tiger doesn't. We're talking about elite

athletes, Quinn. Of course they have

natural gifts. What about people who say

that women could never compete in men's

sports? Well, that's a lie. Caitlin Jenner

won the men's decathlon in 1976. My ladies

were high school state champions in boys

basketball. Some would say they were boys

back then. Well, anyone who would say that

doesn't understand science.

That was fun. You want to grab some

avocado toast and time into the furnace

again? I think the blisters are starting

to heal from last time. Not here, you

idiots. That was awesome. Mr.

Wild. Who said you could speak to me.

Okay. You did it,

Daddy. Hey, there she

is. Okay, daddy's going to talk to the

girls. Score 1 minute. Can you wait for me

over there?

Bella's? Where's the after party? No party

for me, Coach. Gotta work on my backhand

so I can make the women's tennis team

tomorrow. Yeah, we're out, too, Coach.

Got a couple hawkheads coming over to the

office for an old fashioned sleepover.

Y'all know girls don't have sex with each

other at sleepovers, right? Wait, what?

Look, they told me Internet made a

mistake. I didn't make this. That's why I

gave you lying. Well, that's why mom hated

you. Felix got a

blog, babe. Day three of being a girl

athlete. I already have 2 million

followers. Like and subscribe bitch.

Well, hey, I need you fresh tomorrow for

the game. How? I don't stay up all night.

I'm always fresh, girl.

Hey, that was quite a display back there

with the waterworks. You all right? I

meant every word. This is the best

experience of my life, Coach. I feel like

a brand new woman. Brand new man.

What? Oops. Where is my head?

I've got to get to the spa for a manipetty

before the game tomorrow.

That was weird.

Mommy. Hi, sweetie.

Can you go wait with Chris in the car for

a second? Mommy needs to talk to Daddy for

a minute.

What's up? You have to stop, Rob.

Stop what? The Crane boys. Really? What

about them? They barely even bother to

shave their legs. My former lover the

turf. Oh, please. Look, I don't know what

to tell you. My girls say they're girls,

so they're girls, but they don't even

believe it. Except maybe Alex. That kid

isn't well. No.

You know what? I think they need a

hug.

Half of these ideas come from Winnie. You

know, between your stupid woke school and

your stupid woke boyfriend. That's

different. How is it different? Chris,

he's big hearted. You're taking

advantage so guys like Chris get to just

make this crap up, and if I go along with

it, I'm taking advantage? That's real

nice. You're better than this, Rob.

You're the one who couldn't handle being

married to a loser. You're the one who

told me to try winning sometime. I never

cared if you won or lost. I just wanted

you to be happy. You were always so

unhappy. Well, take a good look, because

I'm happy. Baby, you know this is wrong.

I'm happy and my girls are happy. They're

not real girls,

Chris.

No, you know what? Fine. I'm the bad guy.

Come on, Winnie.

At least we still have each other.

Alexa. What's? Get in the game.

Come on.

Excuse me. Are these seats open?

Never mind. Told you we should have sprung

for the box seat.

Put your prop I think the girl broke my

nail. Get off my foot.

You tennis looks so easy.

Flair. Would you run a freaking marathon

last night? Let's just say david was wrong

about the girl's sleepover last night.

Coach jake.

Let's just say David was wrong about the

girl's sleepover last night, Coach.

Monica from the Hawkettes played a little

one on one with her last night. Shirts and

skin style. Kept me up like half the

night. What? Monica kept me up half the

night. Which half? Do you told

you not to talk. You must have that's.

It all right.

What can I say? It wasn't a pretty win,

but it was a win. My girls look forward to

participating in the championship game

tomorrow. That's it. Any questions?

Daddy, can we talk? Daddy's a

little busy right now, honey. Can we?

Of course you can, baby. Anytime.

Come on, sit down. Yeah.

I'm sorry you saw mom and dad fighting

last night. That's not for you. I want to

be a boy.

What? I want to be a winner just like you,

Daddy.

What's that have to do with being a boy?

Boys are better at everything. Honey,

that's just not true. They're better at

basketball. Okay, yeah, basketball and

swimming. Okay, MMA. That goes without

saying. And running and javelin, power

lifting, sh*t putt. Hockey, karate,

football, hole vault driving, parking,

most of the stem fields. Rock and roll.

Opening pickle jars. Okay,

yeah, boys are better at all of those

things. But those are just things,

Winnie. Things boys made up so we'd have

something to be good at.

Doesn't matter anyway, because girls can't

become boys. Boys clearly can't

become girls. Listen,

women are better at all kinds of things.

They can be nurturing and sensitive and

empathetic. Better at doing lots of things

at once and caring for a lot of people at

once. They're better at communicating and

building community.

And they civilize men.

It's the only reason we have a

civilization. No women,

no world. Did Mommy civilize

you?

She tried.

I think she's still trying.

Plus, Mommy brought you into the world.

That's a superpower no man will ever have.

Yeah. Okay.

You go with Mommy. Daddy's got a few

things to figure out.

The sunset is rising the love we feel

despite our faults could change hearts for

some just a sip more brandy seems

perfectly sad or at least

the feel is fine we

break bread again we see our

wicked truth and make plans my

God, you're weak. How the hell did you get

in here? You gave me a key. I absolutely

did not give you a key. You're right. I

picked the lock. What do you want, Gwen?

What do I want? How about for you to stick

to your end of the deal? Your merry band

of losers almost sh*t the bed out there.

Yeah, we won, didn't we? And what's with

all this boys and girls are different,

honey? At least you can have babies crap.

Would you bug the locker room?

What if that had been for a different

network, idiot?

I'm sorry. I forgot I was Micked. Okay.

I just need you to be a winner, Coach.

Okay. No, I'm sorry. It's this divorce.

I think it's really starting to affect my

daughter. Seriously?

Of course your divorce is affecting your

daughter. 70% of all people in prison come

from broken families. She's twice as

likely to do dr*gs, twice as likely to

drop out of school, four times as likely

to have trouble fitting in, three times as

likely to end up in therapy, twice as

likely to commit su1c1de, 50% more likely

to have health problems. Do you people not

even do a freaking Google search before

you decide to blow up the planet your kids

live on?

Greeters Winnie's

going to be fine. Just keep fighting

with her mom and get her into a school

journalism program. She could end up like

me. Oh, God.

I just need you to focus on what really

matters. Winning.

Winning tomorrow and becoming the most

important news story in the history of

sports. Okay?

What we're doing to these women. The

entire concept of women's sports is wrong.

Stop It. You listen to me, Coach. These

are not sexy slaps. Do you hear me? Do not

get aroused right now. Not even a little.

I stake my entire future on this deep

transhumanist tech oligarchs and nihilist

college professors have already convinced

every self righteous housewife with

munchausen by proxy to sacrifice their

kids on the altar of false virtue.

The least we could do is get rich off it.

Gracie. You ruin this for me, and I'll cut

you in ways that don't lead to orgasm.

I'll cancel you. Robert.

Are we ever even going to have sex? How

Much?

It's an amazing day for Middle Tennessee

as 10,000 people are gathered right here

in Music City for the women's championship

basketball match in the first ever US.

Open for the Global Games. A big day for

sports and a big day for trans rights,

which are women's rights, which are human

rights. Why do you always get to talk

first? I beg your pardon? It's just

evidence of systemic sexism and racism.

Drake you Are Very White,

ladies and gentlemen and in between from

mass

and from Santa fe the

skinless cowgirl why

is Gwen Wilde talking to their Coach?

What's wrong with his neck?

Ernest Burns. I dated girl like that once.

The Cowgirls seem to have made some last

minute substitutions. Keep talking, big

man.

Those aren't the Santa Fe cowgirls. Let's

just say I made some substitution. Can't

substitute players in a qualification

match. Qualifying the players is the

entire point. There's no rule against it.

Yeah, pretty much. Just making it up as we

go. But they're not real. They're not what

she told me. There's a sn*per here. It's

raptors right now. Help Me.

Okay.

What's the story there, Coach?

Gentlemen, alex.

I've known you men since you were boys.

This isn't the first time we've walked

into a championship game as the underdogs.

Remember what happened last time. We won.

We won. So ask yourselves this.

What do we have then that we don't have

now? Practice. Youth? A black guy on the

team? Heart. We had heart. We had love of

the game. We had the desire to win and the

determination to do it. It wasn't about

money. Then sponsorships, fame. Trying to

keep the psychojournalists I've been

trying to sleep with from sh**ting us all

with sn*per r*fles. What? It was

about basketball. Wait, you got tied to a

furnace and didn't get laid? I like to

move slow, Blaine. It's called respect.

It was about love of competition, then

love of your teammates. Love of America.

And it was about one simple, beautiful

truth. Winners are just losers

who win. There he is. I said winners are

just losers, sir. Winners are

just losers who win. Winners are just

losers who win. Winners are just losers

who win. Winners are just losers. I'm so

sick of you doing that. How was I supposed

to know when to stop? Did you guys

practice? How are you, Rich?

Yeah, let's play some basketball.

SA,

bro, you know tampons are for real girls,

right? No. Now they're for people who

bleed. Where'd you even get those things?

I found them in Alex's purse.

Oh, Lordy. Where does he put oh, great

balls of fire.

Jake. Blaine. Hey,

Monica. Hey. There's something I have to

tell you both.

I'm pregnant. Who's the father?

Both of you?

Heteropaternal superfacendation man.

How did she know any of that? This soon?

And the sins of the father will be visited

upon the son even until the third and

fourth generation it.

Ah.

What are we going to do? Coach?

Coach.

Coach Gibson. Drake diamond wiaw news.

How, Coach. Win or

lose, you have clearly changed the game of

women's basketball forever.

Inasmuch as, no matter the outcome,

tonight, for the first time ever, the

American team won't include a single real

biological woman. How does it feel to

change the world? All right, that's

enough. Whoa. All right.

Don't push me off my land, white man.

Is literally every journalist a lunatic.

Coach, you all right?

Boys, we've taken this thing about as far

as we're going to take it. Coach is right.

They're not even real girls. We're not

even real girls. No, we're not. Jake.

We're not men, either. Maybe we still can

be. We just have to lose.

You mean we'll never be going to the

Global Games? I am already qualified in

powerlifting. I landed a spot on the swim

team and the marathon. 100 meters hurdles.

400 meters hurdles. I am the fastest

female jockey in the world right now. Not

to brag, but you're going to forfeit all

of those positions. Coach. Coach.

Guys, you don't want your legacy to be

erasing women from women's sports.

It's time to man up.

So what's the plan, Coach? Think I've got

it all figured out. But I'm going to need

you boys to buy me some time. Can you do

that? Yes, sir.

Coach, there's a little red dot on my

forehead. I know, but I know Gwen.

She's a vindictive little minx, but I

don't think she'd actually hurt anybody.

Hold up a

lucky penny.

Damn it.

Coach. You what,

pal? I understand why this is wrong.

I mean, Shake and Blaine as real women?

Please. It's a miracle we got away with it

as long as we have. But I do.

What? I am a woman.

I mean, all those years playing

basketball, I never really felt like

myself. Decade in Hollywood trying to

figure out who I really was. And then I

started working at the Dollhouse. And this

is the real me, Coach. This is who I am.

Proud of myself. For the first time, my

parents are proud of me. Would parents

ever not been proud of you, Bud? What do

you mean? Your parents love you, Alex.

That's a good thing. Parents should love

their kids. I shouldn't be proud of you?

Unconditionally. Should only be proud of

you when you do what's right. What we've

done here, this isn't right.

You're confused. I get that. We all get

confused sometime. And if you need help,

Buddy, I'm going to help you get it.

You got to believe me when I tell you

this. You are not a woman.

You're just a lost man in a lost world

with shitty parents and a real shitty

coach who've all gone along with this lie

instead of just hurting your feelings and

telling you the truth. How can you be so

sure I'm not a woman?

Good talk. Good talk.

And Tim, it's your boy Deuce

Johnson here. Let's play the basketball.

No. I have to do this.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have an

announcement to make. I,

Blaine Crane of Ladyball Is Fame,

am not only a woman, which is obvious,

but I'm also a hot lesbian.

A lesbian in love.

Monica, my love. I knew I was

gay views since the first time I saw you.

Please come down here.

That's fine. I'll do it from here.

Monica, will you be my

lesbian wife? And I jake Clayton plays

lost fame. Of all he's super lesbian,

people say I'm the best upstairs around

right now. Monica, I love you. You're the

one for me. I'm trying to get married,

you d*ck. I'm getting married. I am, but

I'm hey, you're fighting.

Oh, no. She did.

Here's.

How much?

That's the biggest d*ck I've ever seen on

a lady.

Come on. We're here to topple the

patriarchy, not each other.

Wait. The Ladyballers are making some

substitution.

Come on, Coach. What is this?

What, you never seen a ladies basketball

team before?

What are they doing? I think they're

running a set. They're making me nervous.

Deeper. You get

on your man. Get on your man. Come on.

Hustle. Hustle. Proud of yourself?

Proud of the team.

Come on now. Hustle. I can still cancel

you. I can cancel all of you. You can.

You probably should. I won't.

You gave me a good story. It pains me

to say it, but you're a winner, Rob.

A reluctant winner, but still a winner.

I don't ever want to have sex with you.

No, I don't ever want to have sex with

you, either, Gwen. Really? Oh, no, I do.

I really, really do.

But I think our time together is heading.

See you around, Coach.

See you around, Gwen. All right,

ladies, form up. Form up.

It,

um and

that was the heartwarming scene at today's

Global Games final qualifiers. Just about

the cutest thing I have ever seen. A true

testament to the power of sportsmanship.

Absolutely. Though ultimately, the little

girls were trounced. Final score 418

to 16.

Welcome to the grand reopening of the

Crane and Company luxury used cars and

youth sports center, where you can still

get a deal on new wheels. And now you can

help kiddos learn how to dunk and steal

here at Craning Company.

Still sell bail b*mb? You still sell bail

b*mb. Plus, kids will have a chance to

figure out who they really are from the

best coach anyone could hope for. Coach,

you want to come say a few words?

Sellers. Sellers. Fellas,

I look out at all your faces. Some of you

loved me even when I didn't deserve it.

Some of you slapped me when I clearly

deserved it. You tased me precious

little provocation. I'm sorry. I think

I have a restraining order against you.

Oh, I said was too much. Look at all these

families and children. How do

these people live like this? It's

disgusting. All of you helped me learn an

important lesson. There's only one win

that matters now. Let's play some

basketball.

How big an investment did you make in

training company anyway? Oh, I own it

outright. Makes sense. Probably sell it

next week. Touche.

You're a good dad, Rob. You're a good mom.

Garb, I was thinking, why don't the three

of us get together this weekend, have a

little picnic? Oh, yeah. Why not?

Why not? Hey,

baldilock, I want to see a rebound. Come

on. Run that set again. Remember, winners

are just losers who do what's right. Come

on, now. Hustle, hustle, hustle. Use his

favorite line.

Here we go.

We'll get him next time. So silly.

Another sweet Daddy Walsh adventure comes

to a satisfying conclusion. What are you

talking about? I don't understand how

anything you did helped to make this

situation better. Don't you?

Why?

Han,

think it's over. But it's just starting.

Can't you see? Ain't going nowhere until

the others finally see it takes a strong

one to stand and face the coming

dark don't be our

heart no,

it ain't our heart it

ain't our burp S-A-O-F

grade Lacey Logan called me pretty. Not

handsome pretty. And that felt good.

Everybody loves a compliment. In 7th

grade, Moisha convinced me to steal Carly

Truitt's underwear from the girls locker

room. And I did. And god, they were so

soft, silky, you know, why don't they make

men's underwear more?

And in 8th grade, I had it down bad for

Jessica Montgomery. And I didn't feel like

a girl at all that year, you know what I

mean? But in 9th grade, Jessica broke up

with me. And I had a good cry.

Jake called me a sissy. And I don't

know why it's so wrong for men to cry.

Who made that rule?

You waiting for you. You always have the

freedom. Take it. Cover the freedom.