01x06 - The Dark Side of the Moose

[bunniefuu]

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

BULLWINKLE: This is Commander Bullwinkle to other-Commander Rocky,

come in, my interstellar bestest-feller.

I read you loud and clear, Moose leader.

BULLWINKLE: Approaching enemy space base.

Prepare to increase special effects power from budget-friendly

to expensive-summer-blockbuster!

(CASH REGISTER CHIMING)

(LASERS sh**ting)

Our lasers aren't lasering enough, Commander!

Then we'll have to do this the old-fashioned way!

(expl*si*n)

In what way is this old-fashioned?

'Cause they've been making movies like this since the 's.

Now stay here while I save the day with Space-Kwon-Do!

(GRUNTING)

BULLWINKLE: Ha-ha!

(GRUNTING) Stop. Get off me! That's enough!

Stop it! (SCREAMS)

(CRUNCHING)

That! Take that! And that. Have some.

And that's the story we're going to tell everybody next week

at our big Wossamotta U school reunion.

But Bullwinkle, none of that actually happened

and we've never been to outer space.

Well, we have to have some kind of super-duper story

or we'll just seem super-duper-boring!

Well, you got a point.

Nothing exciting ever happens in Frostbite Falls.

NARRATOR:[span style="s"] I'd liketo say otherwise,

but unfortunately,Rocky was right.

Nothing excitingever happens in...

(YELLING)Wowee-Kazowee! Look at that!

Did you see thatvery exciting thingthat just happened?

Golly, I was dead wrongabout that one!

(SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING)

Quick, run our amazingnew title sequenceto distract everyone

from how unbelievablywrong I was!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

In preparation fortheir upcoming reunion,

we find Rocky and Bullwinkleabout to embarkon a noble quest

to seem way more interestingthan they actually are.

Okay, fuzzy buddy,

operation "Seem More Interesting Than We Actually Are" is a go.

Now fire up this bad boy and let's go to outer space!

This seems like a lot of work, and a lot of potential injury

just to impress people at our reunion.

But this is my lifelong dream.

Ever since I was a little moose, I wanted to go to outer space.

But somehow I always got distracted. (CHIRPING)

Hey, look! A bird!

Uh-oh, Bullwinkle. You almost forgot your suitcase.

(STRAINING)

What's inside this thing?

I have no idea.

I don't remember packing it.

But then, I don't remember doing a lot of things.

Hey, what am I doing in this cannon?

Outer space, here I come!

(CRASHING)

I made it! I'm in outer space!

Nope. You're in a billboard.

Oh. But, look Bullwinkle!

ROCKY: "Eccentric billionaire, Rafi Tusk's Galaxy Camp

"wants to send you to outer space!"

Then let's pack our bags, Rock,

'cause we're going to Galaxy Camp!

Yeah!

Er...

Oh, right. I'm already packed.

NARRATOR:Boy, I surewould like to knowwhat's inside that suitcase.

But we have to zip onover to Pottsylvania,

where Boris and Natashawere starting the work week.

So, what you do this weekend?

I went to Henchman-Con.

Made some new enemies,

attended seminar on booby traps that go boom!

Super evil.

Oh, yeah. I did the evil, too.

Only more evil.

No, I am more evil!

The evil this, the evil that.

BOTH: Evil, evil, evil, evil, evil, evil.

FEARLESS LEADER: Boris! Natasha!

Stop saying things so I can say things!

After a lifetime of telling people to obey me

only to have them laugh in my face...

I've decided to force them to obey me.

With this!

Behold! (PINGING)

My super evil hypno-transmittifier!

Okay, we are beholding.

But what does it do?

Oh, well, it allows me to make people do whatever I tell them to,

like, act like a monkey.

(SCREECHING)

(LAUGHING)

Most impressive, Fearless Leader.

And when I connect the hypno-device to a satellite,

I'll be able to control every human being

in the world!

Okay, monkey time over.

Uh, what happened?

Nothing, darling.

You were just being yourself.

But, and here's where things get tricky,

Pottsylvania only has one satellite.

And it's garbage!

(CRASHING)

See.

So, I need you to steal a new satellite for me.

But I don't want just any satellite.

I want eccentric billionaire, Rafi Tusk's super satellite!

Yee-haw!

Which means you two are going to Galaxy Camp! (EVIL LAUGHTER)

NARRATOR:Rafi Tusk's Galaxy Camp?

I wonder if that's the sameRafi Tusk Galaxy Camp

that Rocky and Bullwinkleare going to.

It is! It is!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

BULLWINKLE: Ah, space camp.

The singing of space songs,

the making of space s'mores.

And riding in space spaceship.

Natasha, look!

What are Moose and Squirrel doing here?

Quick! Pretend to be privileged self-obsessed teens!

Look, I am ungrateful teenager

posting tiny pictures on my phone my parents pay for.

Winky face.

Cat with hearts for eyes.

Half an avocado.

(ROCKY AND BULLWINKLE HUMMING)

Okay, whatever Moose and Squirrel are up to...

(LAUGHING)

...we cannot let them stop us from getting super satellite for Fearless Leader.

Spooky ghost.

Cool guy with sunglasses.

A video camera from for some reason.

Aww. My phone!

(CAMPERS CHANTING) Rafi! Rafi! Rafi!

Okay, Rock, should we go to outer space in one rocket or two so we can race?

I think we need to learn how to fly a rocket first.

But definitely two. (CROWD CONTINUES CHANTING)

RAFI:Who wantsto fly a rocket?

(CHEERING)

BOTH: Yeah!

I'm eccentric billionaire, Rafi Tusk.

Which means I do odd things you can't

'cause I have so much darn money. (CASH REGISTER CHIMING)

(LAUGHING)

Like, I can hover instead of walk.

(CHEERING)

Invent things like changeable hair.

BOTH: Wow!

Why didn't I think of that?

'Cause you're not rich.

And build a space camp to watch people compete for my love.

And the competition starts now. (CAR ALARM CHIRPING)

because only two of you will get to ride on a rocket

carrying this super satellite!

(CHEERING)

Natasha, it's Rafi's super satellite.

You mean our super satellite.

When we win competition and steal it.

RAFI: Load her up, boys!

Now, does anybody have any questions before we get started?

Yes! Could you give me and my buddy a second rocket

so we can race to outer space?

Ha! You're brash. Just like me!

Give funny-shaped head guy here a point for brashness.

Now, let the galaxy games begin!

(CHEERING LOUDLY)

Ah. Moose already has attention of weird billionaire.

You know what we have to do.

I'll look it up on my phone.

Oh, I can't, because you threw it in the fountain.

Oh, just get parents to buy you new one.

Now let's go sabotage Moose and Squirrel

so we get rocket and satellite.

Welcome to the G-Force test.

The faster you go round and round,

the more G-Force you're gonna feel.

Ooh, sounds like a merry-go-round.

(LOCKS CLAMPING)

Uh...

Yep. Just like a merry-go-round.

(BEEPING)

(YAWNING)

And the faster they go around...

The faster they go away.

(BLUBBERING)

(GIGGLING)

BULLWINKLE: You should see your face!

(GIGGLES)

You should see yours!

(GROANING)

(SCREAMING)

(LAUGHS)

Shh!

I think we've got to do something, Rock!

(STRAINING)

Besides licking me!

BOTH: Uh-oh.

Ooh-wee.

One hundred G's!

It's a new Galaxy Camp record!

No one's ever gonna b*at that!

So on to the zero-gravity water t*nk!

BOTH: Cool.

Okay, what the heck just happened?

In space, there are a lot of doodads

and whatchama-whats that you need to fix.

This underwater t*nk

simulates what it's like to use screwdrivers in space.

Remember, Rock, it's lefty-loosey,

except after C, but never after Labor Day.

Ooh, straight up!

This time Moose and Squirrel are in for a shocking defeat.

Now who wants to go first?

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Hey, it's my two go-getters! (CHUCKLES)

There's something in my space suit, Bullwinkle.

Mine too. And it's giving me a bit of a jolt!

(BOTH GROANING)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Ha! It's another new record!

But don't worry, inferior Galaxy Campers,

the next test is the last and most important test.

The Rocket Simulator.

But Moose and Squirrel will not be getting to Rocket Simulator

because they are about to take a wrong turn.

(EVIL LAUGHTER)

My bad.

All right, Rock.

Rocket Simulator and our ticket to outer space, this way!

A sign like that wouldn't lie.

NARRATOR:Oh, no,Rocky and Bullwinklewent the wrong way.

Oh, no, we still don't knowwhat's in that suitcase.

Oh, no, Boris and Natashaare going to win!

You got that right, bubby.

Whoever can land the simulator safely on Earth,

wins our last competition.

Now, who wants to go first?

(ALL MUMBLING AND WHIMPERING)

BOTH: We do.

Well then, let's get to some space simulating.

I have to say, Rock,

these rocket simulators today sure feel like the real thing.

Are we sure this is the simulator?

I'm percent sure, my flying friend-o.

ANNOUNCER:Flight in ten,

nine, eight, seven... Okay, percent sure.

...six, five... RAFI: You two get down from there right now!

...four, three... Quick, angry hair me.

...two, one, zero. (SCREAMING)

Moose and Squirrel are stealing rocket!

Why didn't we think of that?

Well, I guess we'll have a story to tell at the reunion, Bullwinkle

'cause we're going to outer space!

We can't go to space, Rock, I didn't bring my suitcase!

Oh, wait. Yes, I did!

NARRATOR:[span style="s"] Oh,excitement of excitements.

What will happen next?

Will Rocky and Bullwinklebe able to fly the rocket?

Will Boris and Natashasteal the super satellite?

(FRUSTRATED)Will we everfind out what the heck isin Bullwinkle's suitcase?

Find out after another Rockyand Bullwinkle Magic Break!

And now it's time for another magic trick.

Now watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat.

Nothing up my sleeve.

(DRUM ROLL)

(SCREAMS) It's hideous!

Huh, what's his problem?

(SCREAMS) It's hideous!

NARRATOR:Now backfrom that short break,

we find our intrepid heroeswith one thing on their mind.

Taffy! NARRATOR:No, it's not taffy.

The two of you are thinkingyou're about to accomplishyour episode-long dream

of space travel!

BOTH: Oh, yeah.

Yay!

Hey, I know. Let's take some pictures to show at the reunion.

(CAMERA FLASHING)

Be sure to get my good side, Rock.

And my bad one, too.

NARRATOR:So whileBullwinkle was looking tough

in the cargo bay below,

Boris and Natashawere looking forthe super satellite.

Moon buggy.

Lonely space robot.

Love me. Whywon't you love...

Super satellite.

Super satellite!

(LAUGHING) Nothing can stop us now!

Now get one of me working the controls like I know what I'm doing.

(ALARM BLARING)

(BOTH SCREAMING AND GROANING)

NARRATOR:Did you see that?

Our heroes arecompletely knocked out!

(GROANING)

And so are our evil spies!

Not knocked out.

Just in much pain.

(ALARM BLARING)

Moose is terrible pilot.

If there is comment card, I am not holding back!

But wait. We can't leave without the satellite!

NARRATOR:As our villainsdisappeared intothe vacuum of space,

our unconsciousspace captainscrashed into this

very welcoming "Welcometo Red Rock Canyon,Nevada" sign.

(CRASHING)

Where, where are we?

The last I remember was zooming toward deep space

and looking super handsome.

Hmm, red rocks, desert wasteland,

no signs of life.

It's obvious where we landed...

BOTH: Mars!

NARRATOR:Yep, Rockyand Bullwinkle had mistakenthe Nevada desert for Mars,

like, quite frankly,we all do from time to time.

Hokey smokes, Bullwinkle!

We're not just going back to our reunion as space travelers,

but as the first pioneers on Mars!

And we have Mars rocks to prove it.

You know what's even better than going back with Mars rocks, Rock?

Going back with the Moose King of Mars!

This is gonna get weird.

Sorry, buddy, I can't hear you through my Rock Crown.

Now, kneel before your Martian Moose King!

Yeah, I'm not going to do that.

How about a bow? Nope.

You are committing treason, you know.

I need to go fix the rocket now.

NARRATOR:And so,as Rocky completely dissedhis new Martian leader,

thirty miles away,our other space explorers

got a call fromtheir Fearless Leader. (CELLPHONE RINGING)

Oh, poo.

Where is my satellite?

Uh, Funny thing about satellite.

We were up in space, I had my hands on it,

but then Natasha left it.

(GRUNTS)

Right over there toget polished by Boris.

That's right. Make it nice,shiny and evilfor Fearless Leader.

BORIS:Oh, yes.

I'm polishing satellitethat we did not forget

and have right herewhere you can't see it.

If you really have the satellite, show it to me!

Sorry, Fearless Leader.

This phone does nothave rear-facing camera.

Then turn the phone around.

You're breaking up!You're breaking up!

BORIS:Wind storm coming.

(SPITS) You can stop throwing sand now.

According to spy tool compact, we're in Nevada,

and the rocket must have landed miles that way.

And what spy tool are we going to use to get there?

This one.

(GROANS) Giddy-up, spy tool!

(NEIGHS)

NARRATOR:So ourdastardly duo had a new plan.

Piggyback through the desert,

and snatchthe super satellite away

from Bullwinkle's burgeoningMartian Moosetropolis.

And when building my new civilization,

the next important thing we need is...

Help fixing this rocket?

Laws. So everyone does what I tell them.

That all sounds great, Your Highness,

but maybe we should focus

on getting back to Earth in time for the reunion?

(GASPS) The Reunion!

Quick, peasant, fix thine rocket immediately

so I can get back to Earth

and wow everyone as King of Mars.

Please?

I'm trying,

but remember, I'm a flying squirrel, not a rocket scientist.

Well, if you can't fix it, then it's off with your head!

You're not a king!

NARRATOR:As Rockyattempted to fix the rocket,

Boris and Natashawere trying to avoid

the hot scorching sun.

Eh. It's not so hot.

NARRATOR:How about now?

Still not impressed.

NARRATOR:Now?

(BOTH GROANING)

Does heat stroke and delusional spy partner answer your question?

BORIS: Look, Natasha!

A train and conductor that will take us right to Moose and Squirrel!

We're saved!

That's not desert train, genius.

That is desert mirage.

Yes, but I'm still going with it.

One way ticket to Moose and Squirrel, please.

Falling for mirage so easily. Blech!

I need new spy partner.

Hello, new amazing spy partner with fan and cold water!

Remember, kids, that's why you never hug a mirage.

NARRATOR:So asBoris and Natasha sort ofenjoyed the desert heat,

Rocky was trying his bestto start the rocket.

It's no use, Bullwinkle.

We'll never get back to Earth.

Well then, I guess it's time to unpack

and start our new life on Mars, little buddy.

(MYSTICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Hokey smokes! The rocket. It's fixed!

BULLWINKLE: Hurray!

So, now what do we do?

Why, what any space traveler in need would do.

Stop and ask for space help.

But we're on a distant planet,

millions of miles from everything,

except rocks, desolation,

and that weary space trucker up ahead!

(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)

Excuse me, weary space trucker!

Can you help us get back to Earth?

We're trying to get back to our...

(ENUNCIATING) ...civilization!

Thank you, strange alien creature!

BULLWINKLE: Hurray, Rock. A space travel stop!

(CRASHES)

(CAR ALARM CHIRPS)

Hello, fellow space travelers!

Huh? Hmm?

Huh?

'Sup.

Look, Natasha. A diner!

Let's get water and some of those single-serve jelly packets.

Don't be dumb.

That is just another mirage that turns out to be cactus.

(TRUCK HORN HONKING)

Oh, look.

And here comes cactus mirage truck heading right for us.

Nice try, cactus mirage,

you are pretty convincing, but you'll never fool...

(BOTH GROANING)

NATASHA: Look. It's Moose and Squirrel's rocket

and it's not a mirage!

Quick, let's get in and fly the satellite to Fearless Leader!

Excuse me, is there anybody here who can help us get back to Earth?

Look around, antlers. You're on it.

Hmm. "Earth Soda. The best soda on Earth."

Bullwinkle, that soda's from Earth.

Probably imported.

NARRATOR:And as ourEarth-heroes looked around,

it slowly Earth-dawned on them

that they were not onthe exciting red planet of Mars

full of Martians,but instead were...

Eh, no, not even close.

(BOTH GASP)

BOTH: We're on Earth!

(RUMBLING)

BULLWINKLE: And someone's taking our rocket!

Take it easy.

We don't want anyone to see us stealing rocket.

Chillax. Nobody will even know we're here.

Hey! Our choppers!

Oopsies.

(POLICE SIREN BLARES)

Hey! Our sweet cop cars!

I got this, I got this.

Hey! Hey! Our scooters!

You've got to be kidding me.

(ALL YELLING)

I can't believe it.

Not only did we not go to space

but an angry mob is attacking our only ride home.

That could get us back to Frostbite Falls.

Hey, look at that. My luggage is packed and ready to go.

(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)

Well, Rock, we may not have Mars,

but we've got each other.

And this moon buggy.

And by the time we get to Frostbite Falls,

who knows what other exciting adventure might pop up.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(ENGINE REVVING) (TIRES SCREECHING)

(GASPING)

ROCKY: An alien?

Okay, I do not remember packing that.

(SNARLS) (BOTH SCREAMING)

NARRATOR:Oh, my stars!

Will Rocky and Bullwinklesurvive this alien encounter?

Will Boris and Natashasurvive the mob of bikers,cops and grannies?

And who's tougher?The bikers?Or the grannies?

Grannies, right?

Find out inour next exciting episode,

Mooseton, We have a Problem,

or, In Space, No One Can Hear You Squirrel!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)