04x01 - You’re A Witch And I Hate You

[bunniefuu]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

KIM: This season on The Kardashians...

♪ I'm a winner, I keep it tight ♪

- Hi, guys!
- [CROWD CHEERING]

I have d*ed to be famous my whole life.

[PAPARAZZI SHOUTING]

[LAUGHING]

I missed you guys.

So, guys, I'm having a baby.

SPEAKER [OVER MIC]: Hey, Travis!

They're gonna make out now,
I just know it.

KENDALL: People think they know us,

they think they have us all figured out,

but things are not always how they seem.

- You hate us, and we all talk about it.
- KOURTNEY [OVER PHONE]:

Listen, I don't need you guys anymore.

- Kourt and Kim are still goin' at it.
- Stop.

KOURTNEY [OVER PHONE]:
You're, like, adding it into a fight

to, like, have a side.

You're just a [BLEEP] witch,
and I [BLEEP] hate you.

Kim plays so dirty.

♪ It's about to get loud ♪

I need people to know that I'm single.

I'm the worst single person ever.

- Feel like myself again.
- Good for you.

I can manifest like a mother[BLEEP], guys.

- SPEAKER: Let's get married.
- So, watch out, world.

- [PERSON COUNTING DOWN]
- [CROWD CHEERING]

- Do you have that much anxiety?
- Yeah, I've been really bad lately.

It's one of the reasons why I'm, like,
actually scared to have children.

KHLOÉ: Papa, hi.

Honestly, you never know what
you're gonna wake up to around here.

Things can change on a dime.

- You're lying right now.
- Lying about what?

We put a Band-Aid over a b*llet hole.

You get the contract signed
and then you bail to the next.

You're spiraling.

- KYLIE: Mom!
- KIM: Mom and Corey!

- What the [BLEEP]?
- KHLOÉ: No. Put it down!

KYLIE: Calm down!

KHLOÉ: I don't deal with people that don't

tell the truth.

♪

♪ All day long ♪

You look so cute today.

Tristan has so many
great qualities about him.

[FAMILY CHEERING]

- Mom is too nice sometimes.
- She is.

We're your daughters, you should be, like,
fierce for us.

She's a g*dd*mn liar.

Our kids, they watch
our actions, not our words.

Exactly.

I don't think you deserve Khloé.

I have been [BLEEP] over
by almost every person that's ever been

in my life at some point.

The last thing I want them to do is ever
feel embarrassed that I'm their father.

But there's also levels to [BLEEP].

What the [BLEEP]?

And I could only be [BLEEP] with so much.

- MAN 1: Best father.
- MAN 2: Yes!

Maybe you might wanna
try to save your family.

If someone did
to my daughter what Tristan did,

I would probably castrate them
and smile doing it.

KIM: [SCREAMS] Khloé!

[INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

[KIM/KHLOÉ SCREAMING]

[SCREAMS]

Okay.

- KOURTNEY: Um...
- We're like, uh, crickets.

♪

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ I know you've been waitin' ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ On the edge of your seat ♪

Season four, we're back.

Season four?! [BLEEP] yeah.

The world better watch out,
[ROLLS TONGUE] okurr?

KYLIE: We're back.

We are ready for you,
are you ready for us?

Hell yes.

- ♪ And yeah, we givin' you more ♪
- [FAMILY GREETING EACH OTHER]

- KIM: You made it!
- KYLIE: You look gorgeous.

[FAMILY SCREAMING] Corey!

[CHEERING]

Cabo!

Can we just take a moment to appreciate
the fact that Kylie is on this trip?

- KRIS/KIM: Yes!
- And Kendall Jenner!

Family time is
my favorite time, [BLEEP] yeah.

- KRIS: Yes!
- Let's have a sh*t.

- COREY: Cheers, Kendall.
- KYLIE: Cheers!

Oh! We're actually doing sh*ts.

- COREY: Cheers to the future.
- KRIS: Cheers.

- KHLOÉ: Woo-hoo, Cabo, guys!
- Whoa, yes!

- COREY: Cheers.
- Woo!

We're goin' to Cabo!

[FAMILY CHEERING]

♪

COREY: I'm so happy to be with
all five of y'all.

- Yeah.
- KENDALL: Me too.

- KRIS: Me too.
- Me too.

KIM: Ditto.

The problem is,
and I'll be real with you guys,

this is the real problem,

last season was really rough.

She's mad that I'm doing the Dolce thing?

[CRYING] It's not about business,

it's just there's so much,

and it takes precedence
over hurting your sister.

I literally thought I was being mindful.
They wanted to do black veils.

I said absolutely not 'cause Kourtney had
'em at her wedding.

Then, we were over it, we had fun, you saw
we did that Christmas album.

[KIM/KOURTNEY LAUGHING]

We talked it out,
like, everything had been fine.

I'm sorry that my choices
put us in this situation.

Thank you for apologizing.

And then, we watched
the edits for our show,

and I start hearing
what she's saying about me.

It's almost like a greediness.

KIM: She hears what I'm saying about her.

She doesn't have any friends, so Travis?

And then we get mad all over again.

[GROANS] It brings up so many,
so many feelings.

I think last season was really hard.

What's harder than living it in real time
is watching it back in the edit,

which isn't a natural way of living.

So, my whole family
is going on a trip to Cabo,

but three days earlier,

before the trip, Kim and I
have this heated phone call.

- [RINGBACK TONE]
- [PHONE CHIMES]

- [OVER PHONE] Hello?
- Hi.

- KOURTNEY [OVER PHONE]: Hi.
- Um, so, as a part of this Dolce contract,

I have to go back to Milan to do a dinner

to launch my campaign that I sh*t.

- So, it's like, you know...
- KOURTNEY: Yeah.

I would love you to come with me.

I mean, I know that's
not what you wanna do, but

I always want you to know you're invited,

- and, like, no one...
- KOURTNEY: Thank you.

I'm a little Dolce'd out,
so I probably won't come,

but I'm always supporting you
of, like, what you're doing.

- Yeah.
- KOURTNEY: I just don't think

it's cool the way

that that particular thing happened.

It's not about that,

it's just about the deeper thing
that we can talk about.

And I understand. I mean, I got worked up

watching the, watching the episode

and watching the cut,
so I can only imagine,

- ya know?
- KOURTNEY: Yeah.

I see both sides. Like I said,

I think, like, you think things
so you're getting riled up,

I think things, so I'm getting riled up...

KOURTNEY:
I'm actually not riled up.

I just think it makes
me not wanna be around.

And that's totally, ya know,
your choice and decision.

I just think that, like,
we should have a conversation about it

because I got worked up when I'm like,

"Wait, nothing happened at the wedding.

It wasn't even a conversation
at the wedding," ya know?

KOURTNEY: I think it was what
you saw at the wedding.

'Cause no one had
any interest before that.

What do you mean?

KOURTNEY: I think it's that you saw

this thing that was mine,

and that wasn't yours,
and that you wanted it.

See, that's where I think you're really...

KOURTNEY: And you took it and
made it bigger.

No, that's where
I think that you're wrong.

If anything, I was like, "I don't like..."

And I told Khloé, "I don't like your look,

I don't like this, I don't like..."

If it was visually, it was not my thing,

and I tried to do everything
to stay away from that.

- But even like you said...
- KOURTNEY: Like, you're missing the point.

But isn't the point about the clothes,
and you're talking about the looks?

I steered away. I did what I...

KOURTNEY: The point is
not about the clothes.

- You're missing the point.
- Kourtney, it's not that original.

Everyone does '90s.

Like, it's not a new concept
is what I'm trying to say.

And there's only
so many looks to pick from.

KOURTNEY: You're talking
about the bullshit details

'cause it's all your egotistical,

selfish mind can think about.

You cannot stand someone else
being the center of attention.

You came to my wedding,
you couldn't be happy,

you complained from the second
you got there 'til the second you left.

That's what it's about.

Forget about "you couldn't be happy,"

you couldn't be happy for me.

You couldn't be happy
that I was the center of attention

- and you weren't...
- What is it that you feel so low of me?

KOURTNEY: ...you've gotta
dig deep if you'd like to.

No, I want you to dig deep

and figure out why you,
why you hate me so much,

and why you're so angry with me

because all of this never happened.

I was so happy for you.

- KOURTNEY: No, you were not.
- I was so... Wh-Why would I n...

I not be happy for you?

KOURTNEY: I felt at my wedding
like you weren't happy for me.

Because you have a serious vendetta.

KOURTNEY: So, if you wanna, if you wanna...

You just are a different...
You-You hate us.

You... You're a different person.

We all talk about it.

KOURTNEY: 'Cause I don't need
you guys anymore.

- All of...
- KOURTNEY: I don't need

to be a part of it.

All of your friends call us complaining,

whether you think
they're the ones going to you,

they're all coming to us on the side

saying the opposite to us,

so we're all confused.
And we're on a group chat

that's actually labeled "Not Kourtney,"

so we know and have to funnel

what your friends are saying to us.

And have to figure out why
you're such a different person,

- and why you have this vendetta out.
- KOURTNEY: And do you think

that I would wanna be a part of that?

- Like, absolutely not.
- They're your friends,

the ones that you speak to
on a daily basis.

But you take it all out on me,

and I'm trying the best that I can

to reconcile and figure it out,

- and call you all the time...
- KOURTNEY: It's about you.

You are a narcissist. It is all about you.

Anything you do, it's about you,

and about how it looks
to the world about you.

So you just wanna clear up your facts,

take out my whole
[BLEEP] side of the episode.

I don't give a [BLEEP]

what anyone thinks about me.

Are you happy?

KOURTNEY: Yes! Not, not when
I'm on the phone with you.

I was five minutes ago.

You just... We all are concerned.

We all think that you're
just really not happy.

KOURTNEY: So you're telling me
that I'm unhappy,

and that I'm miserable,

and that you have a side chat
called "Not Kourtney,"

but you're telling me
that you're happy for me.

All of this I just said after you told me

- that I'm not happy for you.
- KOURTNEY: Right,

so that just confirms it.

I have a happy life, and it does n...

the happiness comes

when I get the [BLEEP] away from you guys.

- Like, it's specifically you.
- I... Understood.

I'm concerned, but I won't be
'cause I'm a narcissist,

so I'm only gonna think about myself
and be concerned about myself.

KOURTNEY: If you wanna think like,
"Oh, wow, my sister thought...

felt like I wasn't happy
or supporting her at her wedding"...

- What can I do to make you feel...
- KOURTNEY: Think about it.

- You want...
- KOURTNEY: Certainly not having side chats

specifically as me as the topic.

Like, wh... who the [BLEEP] has time?

Maybe you guys need to go

think about why, if you're not happy.

- But y...
- KOURTNEY: That's what you have time for?

To sit and have side chats
specifically to talk about me...

We're allowed to express concern.

We have side chats about everybody.

- That's just what you do...
- KOURTNEY: Then get a [BLEEP] life.

I don't have side chats about anyone.

Well, your kids have even come to me

with problems that they have,

- and how you are, so.
- KOURTNEY: Is that helpful?

You're, like, adding it into a fight to,

like, have a side, like,

it's you, and my friends,

and my kids, and everyone against me.

[CRYING] It's, like,
you're just a [BLEEP] witch,

- and I [BLEEP] hate you.
- Okay.

[CALL ENDS]

Okay.

- KOURTNEY: Um...
- We're like, uh, crickets.

[SOFTLY] Just kidding.

I think it's just there's
so many thoughts that come up

after watching all of the edits.

I think it felt to me,
like, in the call, that Kim

was just, like, using any w*apon
that she could find, like, to hurt me.

Ya know, just everything, like...

- Ooh, I went there. [CHUCKLES]
- ...almost like weaponizing

everyone against me,

and I think we both got to a place
that we weren't proud of.

KIM: She hates me.

I'm gonna have to deal.

I think the phone conversation
was really hurtful,

and I felt reminded of this characteristic

that has been in my family
for so many years

where we say, say mean
things to hurt each other,

and it's what I work hard at
in therapy to change,

and when I'm reminded

of those types of things,
it really is hurtful.

Like, why would
my family treat me that way?

And then, I want to protect my energy,

and... be around positivity
and good vibes,

and Palm Springs with
my husband is where it's at.

["SAY HOLA" BY LOKO THE KID
FT. MEEKASIA PLAYING]

♪ Say hola ♪

♪ Hola, hola, hola,
hola, hola, hola, hola ♪

- ♪ Say hola ♪
- Hi.

Cabo's always a place
where we've been able to go

and have some amazing memories,
and amazing times,

lots of family trips.

Family is the most
important thing in my life,

and I think as the head of this family,

it's my responsibility to make sure
that I keep my family together,

and that we experience these moments,
and I think that's really important.

♪ Say hola ♪

KENDALL: Are you guys good back there?

I don't care to go in the back.

KHLOÉ: No one else wanted a beer?

- I've never had a regular beer.
- KYLIE: What?!

KHLOÉ: Oh, don't you put,
like, lemon in it?

It's a lime, but they didn't have any.

I have had a beer
only in Jamaica, a Red Stripe,

and I loved it.

KENDALL: Cheers.

I've never had a Corona,
or, I guess, an American beer.

I don't know, is Corona American?
I have no idea.

All right. I've never... [LAUGHTER]

You guys, the beer's not bad.

- You wanna taste it?
- Beer is the best thing that happened...

I don't think I would like it.

Oh, it's kinda sweet.

- KHLOÉ: Yeah, I thought
- KYLIE: You guys, are you okay?

a beer was so different.

- No.
- You've never had a beer?

- I've never had a beer.
- KENDALL: Crazy.

["COOL DE MODELO" BY JOELII PLAYING]

[SINGING IN NATIVE DIALECT]

KHLOÉ: Oh, the little goats, man.

KENDALL: Oh, I love the goats!

KHLOÉ: Aw, this is so cute.

KIM: We're staying
at James Perse's house in Cabo,

- and I've stayed here before.
- KYLIE [WHISPERS]: It's so pretty, wow.

KENDALL: It's crazy. It's so pretty.

KIM: The view is so beautiful,

and we haven't done
this in a really long time.

♪

You guys, this is so beautiful.

KENDALL: I need to eat.

KRIS: Hey, what have you got here?

Skinny margarita.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Cómo está?

That's all I got.

Ya know, I... El gusto es mio.

Mucho gusto.

[SPANISH ACCENT] Cilantro.

[SPANISH ACCENT] Margarita.

Oh, thank you.

It's really good.

Is it whale season?

- KIM: Oh, amazing.
- But...

Okay, so maybe we might see 'em?

KENDALL: Okay. What is it, a humpback?

I'm really freaking out.

He said they come close to the shore?

That would be so cool to see.

KIM: Past the wake and they
were jumping last time I was here.

Oh, my God.

I really... I feel like I'm gonna cry.

- I really can't see that.
- KIM: No, it's so pretty to see.

You're not gonna go
in the ocean with them.

Oh. Oh, my God. I...

Khloé has a fear of whales.

I can't quite figure out
where Khloé got this fear of whales.

The thought of a whale,
the glance of a whale,

the conversation of a whale.

Yeah, it had to have been
somewhere in her childhood

that I went really, really wrong somehow.

I'm so sorry, Khloé.

I don't... I-I'm... I don't think
I'm comfortable seeing it.

Let's go see the rooms.

- M'kay.
- Let's take a room tour.

KHLOÉ: Okay, I'll go.

KIM: This is pretty.

How cute, it says Mexi...
James Perse hats, you guys.

Why is this whale season?

Like, why... what are they doing, mating?

- KIM: I don't know.
- That's sick.

[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

And why do they come to the shore?

That is way too close for my comfort.

KIM: Oh, I saw something
blow up over there.

Well, it is just really choppy water.

♪

Nope, I saw it again.

- [KIM/KHLOÉ SCREAMING]
- I saw it! Did you see it?

- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- [BOTH SCREAMING]

- I don't wanna see it!
- KIM: Khloé, look!

- It's blowing and flipping!
- [KHLOÉ SPEAKING INCOHERENTLY]

- Kendall!
- [BOTH SCREAMING]

- It's a baby!
- KHLOÉ: No, I do not wanna see it!

- Kendall!
- Oh, my God, that was actually terrible!

Oh, it came out of the water!

Isn't it so cute?!

- KENDALL: Wow.
- KIM: Right there!

[KHLOÉ GROANS]

[GASPS] Do you see the baby?

- It just took a jump.
- How do you know it's a [BLEEP] baby?

[GASPS] It jumped again.

- KIM: Khloé, get over here!
- No!

What in the [BLEEP] are the chances that
we're here dur...

What is this, mating season or something?

Here, look through the binoculars,
but you have to look here.

Okay, look over there.

- Do you see it? St-Stand here.
- Yep, yep.

That seems awfully close right there.

- KIM: Yeah, it is...
- Yeah, it's [BLEEP] close.

- It's weird.
- KIM: Okay. See? Look over there.

Off the coast of California,
you didn't hear about the couple

that got swallowed up by the [BLEEP] whale

and then spit back out
'cause it was an accident?

Uh-uh. This [BLEEP] thing is so big,
you don't see it coming.

There's no ripples, there's no warning.

That's weird.

And my daughter bullies me.

She draws me photos

of whales just to [BLEEP] with me,

and she thinks it's so funny.

Everyone turns into a [BLEEP] assh*le

at some point. Oh, my God.

There's some water sprinkling out.

There's another whale over there.

Oh, my God.

- I can't even look.
- Oh, that was cool.

Its heart is bigger than a school bus.

- Like, it's crazy.
- [COREY LAUGHS]

I'm uncomfortable.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

KRIS: Dinner time.

KIM: Looks so good.

- KRIS: Thank you so much.
- KIM: Guys, this is so beautiful.

So beautiful. I love you guys.

I love you guys.

- I'm so happy to be here with all of you.
- I'm so happy to be here.

- KRIS: What's happening?
- KENDALL: Wow!

KRIS: Oh, my God!

Wow!

Thank you.

KRIS: I think I'm gonna
have another martini.

KYLIE: [BLEEP] yeah, Mom.

I'm goin' in.

KYLIE: This seriously tastes so good, wow.

KENDALL: Is Tristan's house done?

No, it's been three weeks
that he'll be at my house,

and he was supposed to be there two.

I'll give him until a month
before I say something, like...

He'll be over at our house
in a minute, babe. [CHUCKLES]

Well, no, I'm sure he can
move in at this point, I'm assuming.

I am not back together with Tristan.

Hate to break it to everybody,
but I am not.

Khloé is so sensitive.

Like, anything that had
nothing to do with them,

she would literally jump in and snap,

but it would be like, "Oh, yeah.

Oh, this... Have you guys seen
this cute couple?"

And she's like, "Well, don't think
Tristan and I are a couple.

"We're not together, we don't hook up,

we don't this, we don't that,
I won't sleep with him."

It'll be like, "Oh, this fork..."

"Oh, don't even think that I would lift a
fork for Tristan."

And we would be like, "We're not talking
about you guys."

Like... we get it,
you guys are not together.

No one thinks you're together, relax.

I need people to know that I'm single.

I think you need a great photo.

Ya know what we need for that?

We need a bikini pic tomorrow.

- KENDALL: [LAUGHS] Yes!
- We'll look so hot, and we'll just say,

"Tell us you're single without telling us
you're single."

Oh, I love it. You're single.

Who needs a boyfriend
when you have sisters?

I'm the worst single person ever

because I'm not going out,
I'm not exploring anything.

I just sit at home, but whatever.

I don't chase, I attract.

I'm not kidding.
We need a single sister photo.

Yeah, but I'm also really good
at being independent,

and it's not something
that I'm looking for either.

I think I just find myself
in relationships.

I don't know, I hate this conversation.

[LAUGHS]

I feel like... I just did therapy
this morning, Danielle,

- I don't feel like I need it again.
- [PRODUCER LAUGHING]

I think unless people know,
how is anyone gonna approach you?

- KYLIE: No, there's a...
- I need people to know for me too,

- you guys.
- KYLIE: There's another way to do it,

- tits and ass.
- Oh, gosh.

- Ugh! I hate that word.
- KYLIE: Titties, titties.

- Titties.
- I don't like it.

- I don't know why, it's such
- Ta-ties.

a raunchy word.

- Tits.
- KIM: Ta-ties?

You're not gonna say ta-ties.

- KRIS: Well, that's not true.
- If you say the T word one more time.

- Tits?!
- Anything is better than boobies.

I never said boobies.

- Boobs, breasts, chi-chis.
- I know. I'll say boobs. I hate breasts.

You don't like to say tits?

- No! No, it's so trashy.
- KYLIE: Just try saying it.

- You're better than that.
- KYLIE: You're right, you're right.

- You're better than that.
- It's, it's definitely, like,

more of a millennial thing.

You're a Gen Z, bitch.

- [GIGGLES] You [BLEEP] whore.
- You're a Gen Z.

- No, I'm not.
- So, if you say the T word,

I'm gonna call you a Gen Z.

- Fine, it's a Gen Z thing to say titties.
- You guys are so feisty.

[KHLOÉ GROANS]

Titties... Titties. [SINGS] ♪ Titties ♪

BOTH [SING]: ♪ Titties ♪

I can't even say it.

I really don't think I can.

Titties.

[CHUCKLES]

So crass, like, ew. Just... I don't know.

Boobs, breasts, chi-chis,

whatever else you wanna call them.

Oh, I don't really know
what I call them, breasts?

Breasts seems, like, little mature.

I don't know, tits seems like perky
little titties.

[LAUGHS] I don't know.

- And tits is fun to say. Tits.
- Boobies? Boobies is insane.

You say boobies a lot.
Your little boobies.

'Cause you have little boobies.

- I know.
- When I see your boobies, I go,

- "Oh, like, they're like little boobies."
- [KENDALL LAUGHS]

- I've got some tits.
- I like my...

You've got some tits, and I...

That's a beautiful way of explaining it.

- She's got the tits
- Yeah.

and I've got the boobies.

- Yeah.
- [LAUGHTER]

Don't you remember when Julia Roberts

said "breasts" in that movie?

You're a Baby Boomer.

- [LAUGHTER]
- We, we have different,

we have different references.

I'm a millennial
just like Kendall and Kylie.

- Oh, my God.
- KHLOÉ: What about me?

KIM: And Khloé.

I'm... Millennials are Gen Y.

I'm a millennial
and so is Kendall and Kylie,

but they're the last year
of the millennial and I'm the first year.

I thought for sure
I was in Kourtney's bracket.

[PRODUCERS LAUGHING]

I don't care if I'm the first year
of a millennial

and they're the last year
of the millennial,

[LAUGHS] I'm still in their age bracket.

And that feels so cool [LAUGHS]

and embarrassing, but cool.

Yeah, like, it's just embarrassing
that I care so much.

[KRIS GASPS] Ooh!

KRIS: If anybody wants
to get me anything for Valentine's Day,

I'm gonna give you a little idea.

- This cart?
- No.

- KHLOÉ: Oh.
- Krispy Kremes.

- Mom?
- Aren't you guys all

in the mood for Krispy Kreme?

- No.
- Okay.

- Are you well?
- Never mind then.

[LAUGHTER]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ Goin' up, goin' up ♪

- ♪ La, la, la, la ♪
- TRAINER: Squat low. Go lower.

KHLOÉ: Careful of my nose.

Spent a lot of money on it.

- Scissor sisters.
- [KENDALL LAUGHS]

- KYLIE: It's not bad!
- KIM: No, it's absolutely freezing.

KHLOÉ: It's freezing.

I do wish Kourt was here with us.

I think it would be so fun
and like old times.

I'm gonna go in and have breakfast, guys.

But she is in Palm Springs with her hubby,

and I'm sure she's having a great time,

but I don't think she realizes

how much fun she would be having with me.

["FLAVOR" BY LOKO THE KID
FT. MEEKASIA PLAYING]

KRIS: Good morning, sunshine.

KIM: Hi.

This looks beautiful.

- KENDALL: I'm starving.
- Thank you, do you have syrup?

- May I have one, Kim?
- KIM: Yeah, of course.

- KENDALL: Are you gonna eat those all?
- KIM: No, no, no.

Last night, I laid in bed
for an hour and a half,

I didn't even put the TV on,

and I just was like,
"Okay, this is fun with,

like, no kid running in."

I just took, like, a minute.

So my intentions for the year,
can I tell you what they are?

Please.

To not feel like I have
to fill every available hour.

That's a great intention.

So my goal this year,
my resolution for the whole year

is to just say no to more things,

slow down work-wise a little bit,
and just be more present.

But I do have to get
all these trips outta the way.

I have Milan coming up
for the Dolce & Gabbana fashion show.

I have Miami, a European trip. [SIGHS]

I need to say no. I gotta figure that out.

I'm excited for, like, normalcy,
ya know? Calmness.

- Peace... Peace.
- Peace, that's it, peace.

My intentions for the year

are to just get off the
hamster wheel a little bit,

and enjoy life...

- KIM: Yeah.
- ...because it's short.

I think it's really important
to prioritize quality time,

and that is my love language.

I used to say yes to everything,

and go everywhere and be everywhere,

and do everything.

For my kids, for business associates,

for people I barely knew.

We all know that we can spread
ourselves really, really thin,

and what I've learned,

ladies and gentlemen,
is that it's not healthy.

And I get really excited
when I'm doing things that

get out of my comfort zone.

Khloé, what are
your intentions for this year?

Remember I told you? This is my... the year
that I'm shedding

and I'm gonna be upgrading,
but my year won't start until 2024.

Okay, let's shed.

Most people are scared to turn 40.

I have hated...

Every day of my 30s has been agony.

Like, what the [BLEEP]?

Of course, I've had some
incredible moments in my 30s.

I mean, I have two beautiful kids.
I have great, great moments.

I'm not... This has nothing
to do with that.

Besides that, though,
every other day has been [BLEEP] t*rture.

It's just a terrible decade,
so guess what?

I am pumped, I'm ready.

I'm actually pissed
I'm only turning 39 this year.

Oh, my God, we're livin' la vida loca.

You only live once.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Okay, my little cooks, my little chefs,
don't let me down.

- Hi.
- MOSES: Ladies, how are you?

- I'm good, how are you?
- I'm Moses. Nice to meet you.

So, is this like team Khloé

- and Kim versus...
- Yeah.

Okay, so, it's the Kardashians
and the Jenners.

This is the guacamole challenge,
ladies and gentlemen.

- You ready for this amazing competition?
- We are.

Every time we go on vacation,
we try to think of things to do

that'll be really fun
for us to do as a family.

So, I've set up
a little cooking competition,

and let the cooking games begin.

- With a spoon, remove the...
- [CROSSTALK]

- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- You can't give them techniques.

We cannot tell them tricks.

Oh, no, no, no. This is a competition.

This is serious stuff.

Kylie and Khloé.

Me and Kylie, we're neck-and-neck.

PRODUCER: Where do you fall?

Probably last. Probably right under

that cucumber that Kendall can't cut.

KRIS: Be careful 'cause I nicked myself
the other day.

I know, I'm kinda scared.

Hey, Chef, do you
wanna cut this up for her?

I'll do it, Mom. It's fine.

By the way, guys,
I cut that cucumber safely,

so anyone that says
I can't cut a cucumber,

it was sliced, it was cut.

People really think
it's, like, a diss now,

it's like, "You're hanging out with her?

She can't even [BLEEP]
cut a cucumber."

You think that you're offending me?

[LAUGHS] 'Cause you're not.

Like, who gives a sh*t, seriously?

[FAKE CRYING] I just go home and I cry.

[PRODUCERS LAUGHING]

You think you're hurting me?

'Cause I'm totally fine. [LAUGHS]

It's actually amazing.
Actually, if that's the only thing

bad you have to say
about me, keep it going.

That's the last thing I'll say

about this [BLEEP] cucumber thing, 'kay?

Pepper.

Do you have lime and also do you have
chili pepper flakes?

MOSES: Yes.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

KENDALL: If you want me
to be on tortilla duty, and you

- can be on guacamole duty?
- Yeah. Get the good ones, Kendall.

- Get outta here.
- I think that's enough.

It's like an Easter egg hunt.

KHLOÉ: Why do you get the
one [BLEEP] bowl?

- 'Cause I took it first.
- Ah! Good answer.

We'll be back in a few minutes.
We'll give you your space.

We'll go have a sh*t of tequila.

KENDALL: 'Kay, Kim, how are
we gonna keep ours separate?

You're on one side, I'm on the other.

KENDALL: Oh, my God. This is so hard.

Don't you hate when
people make it look so easy?

It's so easy.

It's the easiest thing
I've ever done in my life.

We are all very competitive people,

in a very healthy way.

I think Kim is the most competitive.

It's sort of bland.

Garlic.

I am competitive.

- I'm like... [CHUCKLES]
- [POUNDS FISTS]

I mean, who doesn't like to win?

Would I be lying
in saying I love to be a loser?

- [PRODUCER LAUGHING]
- Ya know? Like, who says that?

Hey, you can't take from ours!
Put it back. Kimberly! Cheater.

KIM: I'm not a dirty fighter.

I believe enough in my talent

that it will get me far enough to win.

I don't play dirty.

♪

Please. Kim used to have me make

her cupcakes and frost them,

and then I would leave, and she would tell
her boyfriends

that she made them all, so ya know.

- KENDALL: Kim!
- KIM: I didn't!

Stop touching them! Rude!

Kim plays so dirty.

She's a g*dd*mn liar.

- And she's a cheater is what she is.
- She is, she is.

Khloé! You know I worked
really hard on these!

They're sabotaging us.

- They know they're gonna lose.
- Yeah.

KYLIE: Can you blame 'em,
really? I wasn't even paying attention...

- I was just tunnel-visioned to my craft.
- Yeah, yeah.

- And what we were there to do.
- Focused, focused.

- Which was win.
- Right.

Wait, Kendall, but I... Don't you feel like
a little garlic...

No, no, no, no. I hate those things.

KHLOÉ [SOFTLY]: Do you have garlic powder?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Get outta here.

It's not some magical thing
that you're putting cheese

on top of guac.

- KIM: Khloé, try this.
- KHLOÉ: What's happening over here?

KYLIE: Get it away from them.

No, you're not taking all the chips.

- KENDALL: Khloé! Khloé!
- KIM: Khloé, get the chips!

♪

- KYLIE: Mom!
- KIM: Mom and Corey!

- What the [BLEEP]?
- KHLOÉ: No. Put it down!

KYLIE: Calm down!

Calm down!

KHLOÉ: She's the one who threw them at me!

- Tryna take the chips.
- Well, now we have no chips.

- Oh, we have chips on the table.
- KYLIE: Khloé!

Oh, shut up.

Ugh, poor Kendall.

I wrestled the [BLEEP] out of her.

And she literally, I think,

avoids me at all costs when I'm drinking.

I'd say, of the family,
Khloé's the most aggressive,

and then, maybe, I'm second,
but only when I am drunk.

It's just... She's so cute,
I just wanna throw her.

She's like a, a Great Dane,

and she's kinda, like,
ya know, she can't really walk,

like they stumble and fall.

Like, Kendall is so clumsy
and it's so cute.

I just love Kendall.
She's so easy to throw around.

- So bad. This one is bad.
- Three, two, one!

- KENDALL: Mom!
- Yeah!

[KIM LAUGHING]

Looks disgusting, guys. Looks disgusting.

- KHLOÉ: Yours is disgusting.
- [CROSSTALK]

You guys stole the bowl.

KENDALL [LAUGHING]:
I would never eat that.

This is like a real cooking show.

COREY: Yeah, everybody's aggressive.

Kendall and I would like
to present ours first.

- One at a time, like this.
- Okay, okay.

- Then that.
- Okay.

Presentation, everything.

KHLOÉ: Take notes,
you guys have pen and paper,

- what do you think?
- Oh, okay.

KENDALL: Get in there, get in the middle.

Get the cheese, and the
sour cream, and... Ya know?

- COREY: Mm!
- KIM: These are homemade tortillas.

KRIS: Who made the tortillas? Wow.

This is poppin'.

KIM: Bland. Yeah, that's what
you could write.

[LAUGHS] She wrote "average."

I hope you're gonna write,
"It tastes like sh*t."

[LAUGHS] Wow. These...
You guys don't mess around.

- Ours is called...
- Bland.

The Classic Kris.

- Oh!
- Ooh.

- KYLIE: So, you know...
- Don't disrespect Mom like that.

KRIS: Way to kiss [LAUGHS] up.

I would like to say,
as far as presentation,

I do love both presentations equally.

This is very traditional...

- We weren't given the same bowl!
- I know. I, y... I'm not finished.

You're not supposed to yell at the judges.

Sorry.

- You're right about that.
- So, this...

I mean, what the [BLEEP]?

KYLIE: So, which one do you like better?

- Yeah, what do you like best?
- Flavor-wise?

Wait. Um, if you'll step away for a second

because I have to talk
to my fellow judge for a second.

KIM: M'kay, guys, let's hug it out
'cause we're good.

I'm happy if you guys win.

- Aw.
- Yeah.

I'm not happy if you win.

Okay, so we're ready with our results.

- Ladies!
- Yeah, sorry.

My decision...

- [GASPS]
- It's upside-down.

- Kendall and Kylie.
- KRIS: Is Kendall and Kylie.

I know you guys are such pussies...
And you're gonna pick us.

...and you're gonna pick us

'cause you guys have to, like,
split it down the middle.

- No!
- They have a 10, I scored them at a 10,

and I scored them at a 12.

- [GASPS]
- KRIS: It's a draw.

KENDALL: So we all have to take a sh*t.

- But truly, it's a draw.
- Now everybody gotta take a sh*t.

Tie-schmie because a tie

is just my mom
not being able to pick a side.

She just wants it to be fair,
and not hurt anybody's feelings.

And I really don't appreciate it.

If it was a blind taste test,
we would've absolutely won.

I don't care what anyone says,
we definitely won.

Corey is still eating our guacamole,
and the competition's over.

So... that says a lot.

You guys are actually...
Mom, you're... are a severe liar.

I need a chaser.

Theirs was a little more flavorful.

I think we needed a little more salt and
a little more lime, if you ask me.

Okay... I, I did.

- But our presentation was gorgeous.
- I did.

- You did ask me?
- You tried it and you said perfect.

- Did I?
- Yeah.

All right, listen, it's a draw.

You guys are all talented guacamole chefs.

- I admire your skills...
- Guacamole.

...and I salute you!

- Salute!
- [KRIS SPEAKING SPANISH BADLY]

No, no. No, you c... Mom,

- you gotta...
- [COREY LAUGHS]

[KIM/KHLOÉ SPEAKING SPANISH]

- [LAUGHTER]
- What is it?

To the left, to the right, I don't know.

- We're the best judges.
- You're all winners!

Winners, winners, winners, winners.

- That's right.
- Es la verdad.

[BIRDS CAWING]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

We always love going on family trips.

We love being together,
we love just being silly,

and, like, we're doing nothing,
but it's so much fun.

So, we wanna take
a couple thirst trap photos.

Wh... Just why not?

- Where is Kendall?
- PHOTOGRAPHER: Do exactly that.

Exactly that,
but keep playing with your hair.

- [CAMERA CLICKING]
- Ready?

- This is so good!
- KIM: Yes.

Yes, it's the supermodel!

These are our years, Kendall.

- They are our years.
- I'm 25, you're, like, 30.

- Kylie, that is [LAUGHS] so rude.
- And... What?

I'm 27.

I have two more good years in me.

- You're basically 30.
- Okay.

So when I turn 27,
you can call me 30, too.

- Okay.
- But you'll be 40 by that time.

♪

KENDALL: I'm literally


♪

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

KHLOÉ: I am so hungry.

- KRIS: Oh, wow.
- COREY: That looks good.

KRIS: That's gorgeous with the potatoes.

KENDALL: I would love one of those.

- KRIS: Ohh.
- KYLIE: Are they all shrimp?

I'll have one.

[ALL THANKING WAITSTAFF]

KHLOÉ: Kendall, I love
when supermodels eat like savages.

KRIS: [LAUGHS] It's like
nipplegate over here.

- I'm freezing.
- Jeez.

KHLOÉ: I love nipples.

We all got them.

But you don't like titties.

- N... I don't like the word.
- KRIS: Chi-chis. Chi-chis.

- Don't even think about it.
- [LAUGHTER]

It's just so fun to be all here together,

and, literally, like old times,

like, without a care in the world.

It's so much fun.

To grow up and be


than Kendall and Kylie,

I always thought
that I would never really

have a lot in common with them,

we'd never really hang out,

and now, I just love and respect
them so much as, like, women,

and, like, friends of mine,
that's, like, a trip to me.

It's so weird to think
that there was a time that

Kylie and I were too young

to, like, go out with them,
or to go have a drink, or, like, whatever.

I can only imagine from their perspective
how much weirder that is,

but I kinda look at it
with my, like, nieces and nephews as well

'cause I think, one day,
they're all gonna be old enough

that me and Kylie will probably
be hanging with them.

It's really kind of cool
that now Kylie and I get to do

what my older sisters did with us.

Oh, my God! Guys, look at this.

- Oh. I was like, what's this music?
- What's happening?

[ALL SCREAMING]

- [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
- [ALL SCREAMING]

[LAUGHTER, CHEERING]

I would definitely burn myself.

KRIS: Hopefully, you won't be doing this

without adult supervision.

[ALL CHEERING]

The drama.

Yeah!

- Amazing!
- KRIS: Thank you!

- We love you!
- [CHEERING]

I'm gonna go finish packing.

I'll try to cough
this phlegm out of my throat.

- KRIS: Okay.
- KHLOÉ: Gorgeous.

I need to pack, too.

KHLOÉ: Your DMs will be

filled after that statement.

- Right?
- 'Kay, group chat me.

- I'm gonna pack.
- They on it, they in it.

- Bye, Kyles.
- KYLIE: Bye!

KHLOÉ: Kourt and Kim are still
goin' at it.

Stop.

Mm-hm.

Like, I feel bad that Kourt
feels the way she feels.

We don't know when
the other one's watching an edit,

so she'll start sending these
scathing text messages for no reason.

She'll say, "And at this minute,
you said this.

"And then at this minute,
I saw Khloé say this,

and [BLEEP] you, Khloé."

And I'm like, "Oh, she's
probably watching an edit

and is, like, mad all over again."

Sometimes, I don't feel...

understood.

I think it gets played out
in, like, an unnatural way

through the show with watching the edits

and, like, the interviews,

and it just brings it up
where people would just move on.

Yeah.

I'm so excited to wash my face.

I'm so excited to watch
the next episode of Yellowstone.

Mm, I can't wait.

It wasn't for you,
I would be a Yellowstone star.

I know. So, they asked Corey.

They asked you to be
on Yellowstone and you said no?

Correct, 'cause I told him to say no.

Why would you tell him
to turn down Yellowstone?

Because I thought he was gonna
have to have a romantic relationship.

- Okay.
- Mm.

But if they said they wanted you

to star and kiss with Kevin Costner,

- I'm sure you would take it.
- Oh, that's a hard yes.

Okay, so, bring on the saddle.

Now I know my next role.

- Oh, my God.
- Now you know your next roleplay.

- You're Kevin Costner.
- [LAUGHTER]

Saddle up, Corey.

No, he's the best.

And you never not wear silk.

The other night, I wore vicuña.

KRIS/KIM: What's vicuña?

Vicuña with you? What's vicuña with you?

- [LAUGHTER]
- KIM: What is vicuña?

Y'all gotta get on that.

- Listen, trust me.
- What's the vicuña with you?

- Hey, trust me.
- [KRIS LAUGHING]

- I've never even heard of this.
- Look at Mom.

Did you take a weed gummy?

- Yeah, I don't what the [BLEEP] happened.
- What is the vicuña with you?

Y'all cannot mix me with that,
that's different.

That is so good.

[KRIS LAUGHING]

I'm still here, I'm right here.

BOTH: Peek-a-boo.

KRIS: What, what is the vicuña
with... [LAUGHS]

All I want for my mom
is to be happy, and to laugh,

and have a good time.

She is giving me flashbacks
to Palm Springs right now.

[KRIS LAUGHING]

Oh, my God, Khloé, when's the last...

KHLOÉ: Are you okay?

KRIS: Yeah.

Oh, my God!

Oh, it's a hyena, but she's in
a zebra outfit. That's not what zebras

- sound like.
- You guys, what is the vicuña with you?

Listen, if I indulge
in any way, shape, or form

at the end of a day, it's well deserved.

- [LAUGHTER]
- I just need a little touch-up.

And you know what, it's exactly what these
vacations are for.

Okay, guys.

- [KRIS GRUNTS]
- COREY: You should not

walk in those shoes.

Nope, not gonna walk.

Not gonna walk,
not gonna walk, not gonna walk.

What just happened?

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

KIM: So, your job is to get
all the beiges this way and in here.

KRIS: I think Hell froze over.

- KIM: Why?
- KRIS: Because...

KIM: I'm playing Backgammon?

Corey and Kendall are chatting.

- KIM: Oh, sh*t. I forgot.
- KRIS: Yeah, it's only taken us,

- what, two seasons for them to talk?
- KIM: They haven't talked...

No, they haven't talked
since Palm Springs.

- Exactly.
- Of Keeping Up With the Kardashians.

That's right.

That's why I love these family trips,

- and they're very necessary.
- Oh, wow.

Very necessary, ya hear me?

KENDALL: Corey and I, we were
close for a while,

and then Kylie and I
had a big sister fight,

and... he tried to intervene into it,

and so, that caused
a little problem between us.

We apologized and we got over it,

but it never really...
it just kinda stayed here,

it never really did this.

So I think that's...
Sometimes, that's what makes

these family trips really
important 'cause then it gives Corey and I

the opportunity to slow down
and actually spend some time together,

and slowly do that.

KRIS: Oh!

- KENDALL: Wow!
- KIM: Mr. Silk. Smooth as silk.

KHLOÉ: Yeah, I love that color, Corey.

- Fresh shower.
- KRIS: Ready to get on that plane, baby.

KENDALL: I know it's 10:00 A.M., but I'm...

BOTH: Really?

- [LAUGHING]
- I'm sitting here and I'm like,

"Okay, just act like it's 10:00 A.M."

Good for you.

Well, we're gonna miss this place,

but it was therapeutic.

Don't you feel, like, a little renewed?

Like, we could go home and, like...

- No.
- Seize the day.

Seize the day.

This was such a short trip,

but it was everything we needed.

I feel like we all got to recharge.

I feel like this is the beginning of

my shedding, transformative
next couple years.

But I-I always know,

as soon as I walk
through the doors of my house,

I'm like, "All right, give it to me,
what's about to happen?

What was the drama I missed?

What broke, what's this, what's that?"

Well, we don't have
anything to toast with,

but, uh, we can
spiritually toast to everybody

and their beautiful soul,
to more good health, more wealth,

and lotsa love throughout '23.

- More good times.
- Yes.

- More good times, 2023.
- KIM: More good days.

This trip has been great.
A lot of quality time.

It was quick and easy.
I felt like it was perfect.

I loved it. My favorite part

is just when we all get out of
LA together,

and we're forced
to be in a house together,

- and we always have the best time.
- Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

So, I just liked being with all you guys.

[QUIETLY] That's sweet.

Cheers, guys.

- KYLIE: I love you all.
- COREY: Cheers.

KIM: I'm on such a different vibe
that I feel like

this year I'm gonna continue that.

I'm just seeking happiness,
and I'm just seeking new energy.

I wanna be cool with everyone.

I don't want any issues with anyone.

Just good vibes.

- KYLIE: Love you.
- Love you, guys.

- Love you, Kenny.
- Cheers, everyone.

Love you, Ky.

This has been the perfect trip.

A great reconnect with everybody,

and now we've got our energy back,

and we can go home, and get back to work,

and we just really needed this.

KIM: Next on The Kardashians...

Meghan Trainor asked me if I would be in
her music video.

♪ Get it, girl, get it, girl ♪

COREY: Don't wear see-through clothes.

- See-through clothes?
- I don't know what happenin'

in these videos these days.

SPEAKER: Welcome to

"Keeping Up with
the Harvard Business School."

KIM: Yes!

Your level of insights, your convictions,

- are on par with the best consumer CEOs.
- Did you hear that?

- Did you hear that?
- SPEAKER: Did you hear that, America?

How come I f... Like, I meet my person,

I've done so much wrong things.

I'm like, why, why, why
put you through that?

We are over budget, we're over time.

No matter where I turn,

there is just problem after problem.

The whole thing is
a nightmare at the moment.

What else could really happen?

I'm going to Ohio to meet Kevin Keith
and Kevin's family for the first time.

He's someone that I've been fighting
for that's been incarcerated for 28 years.

When you see somethin' that's wrong

and you say, "I can't accept it,
I've gotta say something."

Well, I'm here to say something.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

♪

I don't like deep, open water.

I don't like dark water,
I won't go in a lake.

I'm not boujee about a lotta things.

When it comes to water,

I will be the boujee-ist
[BLEEP] you've ever met.

Just, like, if I was
lost at sea and on a raft,

and then I saw the eye. [GASPS]

The eye of the whale.
It's, like... Oh, my God.

Have you ever read a Snapple tip?

On the top, ya know, they give you a fact?

A blue whale's heart is
as big as a baby yellow school bus.

I always get that Snapple fact.

That's weird.

It's not for me.