01x03 - Chez Pig/The Right Cow

[bunniefuu]

I'm just heading to the fields, Duke, I'll be back.

[animal noises]

Clear!

[♪...]

All right!

"Rat-abunga!"

Man: ♪ From the haystacks up to the hilltops ♪

♪ We go on dancing...

[animals cheering]

♪ ...Through the night

Ow, ow, ok, ow.

Ow!

Whoo!

♪ Do-si-do your partner, now

♪ Gonna party now till the morning light ♪

♪ Do-si-do and don't you know ♪

♪ It's just the way we animals roll. ♪

Ha-ha!

[♪...]

So I says to the farmer, "hey, if your hands were any colder

you might as well be milking me into a sugar cone."

[animals laughing]

Oh, when am I gonna learn

not to drink milk when you tell a story, Otis?

Soon, I hope.

All right, people... And now, a toast.

Though I'm not rich and famous, I'm one lucky guy.

'Cause we're all here together...

All: Now let's eat some pie!

Pie, pie, pie, pie, pie!

Did someone say pie?

[cheering]

Abby: Bring it on!

Guys, a little respect for the lady

who made this possible, huh?

Grammy pig,

Sunday brunch wouldn't be the same without your truffle pies.

All: Thank you, grammy pig.

[mouth full]: Can we start eating now?

Knock yourselves out.

[all chewing]

Mmm, this pie is so good, it's making me hallucinate.

Oh, yeah, what do you see?

A car heading straight for us.

[screaming]

[tires screeching]

Dude, that smell of awesomeness is, like,

coming from these pies.

Dude, pie me.

Here, man, this ought to cover it.

[whispering]: Dude, I think the cashier's invisible.

Awesome.

He could be anywhere, man.

Let's do, like, a custom one for Dr. Invisibo.

Both: Doodly-doodly-doo...

Guys, town meeting, now.

So I say we convert the barn

into a restaurant for one night...

Sell pig's pies to humans and rake in the cash.

All: Yeah. Freddy: That's a great idea.

I gotta admit, I half have my eye on a vibrating doggie bed.

Oh, oh, I'd love a solid gold panic room.

Or we could save the money for a rainy day.

All: Eh...

Ooh, ooh, or buy a hot tub!

All: Yay! Oh, yes.

I don't know, Otis.

I'm not sure grammy would want me to sell her pies for money.

Hot tub, hot tub...

All: Hot tub, hot tub, hot tub.

Well, uh... I'd be in full control of the kitchen

and it would have to be done very tastefully.

Piglington, you have my solemn pledge

that this new restaurant will be the height of good taste.

Welcome to farmer Otis's truffle bucket.

[♪...]

There you go.

Eh, eh, eh, no touching the animal costumes.

Three truffle pies...

And I'd like a side salad.

Yeah, well, I'd like a cruise to Barbados

but that's not happening either.

Howdy, partners.

Toss them glasses in the air.

Wow, how do you aim so well inside that bulky costume?

Well, actually, I'm a real talking cow.

[laughing]

[both scream]

We heard it's your birthday, so...

♪ It's your birthday, make a mess ♪

♪ It's your birthday, wear a dress ♪

♪ It's your birthday, you look swell ♪

♪ It's your birthday, tip us well ♪

[applause]

Order up, six more pies.

Duke, I need six more ingredients from vat three.

Let's go.

No, no, no, no, I said vat three.

Well, it might be a tad easier if I wasn't blindfolded.

I told you I can't divulge grammy's secret ingredient.

This is boiling water, isn't it?

[duke howling]

What in the name of potatoes?

To the left, left.

Don't make me fall on that Kn*fe set.

All right, toy binoculars.

That's only kind of lame.

Uh-oh.

[whistles] Farmer!

Excuse me, distinguished guests, may I have everyone's attention?

It is that special time at the truffle bucket

when we all play our favorite game.

All: ♪ All around the truffle cafe ♪

♪ The people don't suspect it

♪ But then to their delighted surprise, pop... ♪

[people screaming]

♪ They're ejected

[moos]

Oh... what's this pie tin doing here?

Welcome back, folks.

Hey, who's hungry after a long break?

That got the blood flowing.

My collarbone's been separated, but...

What a hilarious anecdote this'll make.

Lincoln, Hamilton, Lincoln... Oh-ho, hello, Mr. Franklin.

Hey, guys, this is enough

for a hot tub and a platinum hoof scraper.

Oh, that's great, now we can close the restaurant.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, what do you mean, close the restaurant?

What have you been bathing in, failure juice?

Well, wasn't that the plan?

The only plan we need is

where to put the -point surround sound home theater

after we haul in more green.

Yeah, and don't forget the jai-alai court.

And the burn treatment center.

Hoo-hoo, the sky's the limit.

Then we buy the sky and use it as advertising space.

[cheering]

Oh...

Man: Three weeks later...

Oh, hey, guys, guys, guys, listen up, gather 'round.

I have amazing news.

Oh, excuse me, I'd like to say something first.

Oh, yeah, yeah, just one second, pig, one second.

No, no, this is more important.

Oh, pig, please. I just got a letter saying:

"The Max Fripplehoot is coming here tonight!"

[animals gasp]

The founder of T.G.B. Fripplehoot's?

I love their theme song.

♪ It's your birthday, make a mess ♪

♪ It's your birthday...

The birthday song has driven all other songs from my brain!

Otis, I really think you should hear what I have...

Just hold on for one second.

Fripplehoot says if our pie is as good as he's heard

he will buy the recipe for a million bajillion dollars.

[animals gasp]

Is that more than ? How many zeroes is that?

Otis, can I talk now?

Yeah, all you, buddy.

Oh, well, thank you so much.

Everyone, I thought you'd like to know that...

Well, how can I put this?

I quit. [animals gasp]

You can't quit, what do you mean, you quit?

Oh, look, grammy's pies used to be about friendship

and all the good times we had together.

Now it's all about money, money, money,

what can I buy, what can I buy?

And?

Well, look around.

Duke's a mummy dog, Freddy's a complete whack job...

Birthday!

The restaurant is sucking the fun out of our lives, you know?

And I'm through with it, I'm gone, good-bye.

Well, so much for buying my own Italian soccer team.

Pig ruined everything.

There goes our money. Now we'll never be rich.

Birthday.

Guys, whatever, we don't need pig.

I'll tell you what, I'll make the pie, ok?

I mean, come on, it's just pie. I mean, how hard could it be?

Ok, Duke, you were making pies the whole time with pig.

Show me how you did it.

You got it, buddy.

First, we put in a little of this.

A pipe wrench?

Trust me, I have very finely tuned senses.

All right, pipe wrench in, keep it coming.

[clears throat]

[baaing]

Peck: Fripplehoot, he's early.

We better stall him.

Hey, Fripplehead, come on in.

You want a booster chair for your wallet?

What, no, no.

Just bring me this pie of yours, and be quick about it.

Howdy, partner...

Get your hooves off the table.

Can do.

♪ It's your birthday, make a mess ♪

♪ It's your birthday, wear a dress ♪

Look, it is not my birthday, and marionettes give me the creeps.

Now, bring me my pie.

Otis, Fripplehoot's here.

We can't stall him no more.

[timer dings]

We've got pie, we've got pie.

Hoo, that's the ugliest thing I ever pinned

all my hopes and dreams on.

Um, so, ok, thing about the pie...

It usually looks awesomer than this, but it sort of got, um...

Look at my mouth.

Why is it talking to you when it should be eating?

[teeth chattering]

Wait!

Try this one.

Pig, are you sure?

Who am I to stand in the way of everyone's dream?

Mmm... Hot holy heat-balls.

That's the finest bite of food I've ever taken.

I'll give you a million bajillion dollars

for the recipe.

You, sir, have a deal.

Sign this, we're good to go.

[pig sobbing]

Does anyone else hear that?

It's like a... it's like a... A whiny crying noise.

Oh... pig, come on, what...

Ok, look on the bright side, all right?

You can still make the pies for us.

Uh, that's a big negatory.

You see, once you sign this contract, the recipe is mine.

You can never make these pies again.

Never make pies again?

Chorus: ♪ Ooh...

[♪...]

Hey, what in the name of canned ham

are you all staring into space for?

Sorry, Fripplehoot, the pie's not for sale.

[all gasp]

What the...?

We have something

that's worth more than a million bajillion dollars.

A zillion krajillion dollars?

No, our Sunday pie brunches.

And we wouldn't give them up for anything.

Why, I... this is outrageous.

You'll hear from my lawyers.

And by the way,

those are the ugliest animal costumes I've ever...

[beep]

Seen...!

Pip: "This is outrageous. Of all the yikkity yakkity,

blah blah blah blah, Fripplehoot."

[animals laughing]

What you did was mighty fine, Otis.

Yeah, I just did what any other handsome,

charismatic, heroic, Adonis-like and...

[murmuring skepticism]

So, Pig, what is the secret ingredient

that makes this pie so good?

Oh, well, I guess grammy wouldn't mind.

After all, you guys are all family.

[clears throat]

The secret ingredient of my truffle pie is...

[honks]

[animals murmuring disgust]

Peck: Pig, oh, that's disgusting!

So there I was, blasting my ship through hyperspace.

[animals murmuring] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Suddenly, I was att*cked by a swarm of deadly space peanuts.

I zigged, they zagged.

Dude, I'm pretty sure there are no peanuts in space.

Ok, well, there are probably cashews, I don't know, anyway...

And where'd a cow get the money to buy a spaceship?

I sold my bottle cap collection.

Can I please finish my amazing true space story?

Yeah, pip, stop interrupting.

Tell us what happened next, Otis.

I'll bet he was att*cked by vicious brain-eating aliens.

I've never had brain... I'll bet it's good.

Anyway, there I was, facing certain space doom.

Ooh, a UFO, a UFO!

I'm getting to that. Just then, a UFO appeared.

Huh?

[crash]

Huh?

It's aliens, they've found you, Otis!

They want revenge.

It landed over there, come on.

[animals gasp]

[loud breathing...]

Excuse me...

[groans]

Don't zap me, it wasn't my fault.

I pressed all the right buttons.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, no one's gonna zap you. It's ok, it's ok.

The computer froze.

I mean, what was I supposed to do, I...

Wait a minute.

Are you people... animals?

Yes, we earth animals.

No harm you.

Ugh, what a relief.

I thought you were humans.

The alien's disguised himself as a monkey!

Ah, it's a crazy alien!

So do monkeys fling poop on your planet too?

Pip, he's not an alien, he's from earth.

He's an actual animal test pilot, awesome!

Oh, yeah. It's a rich, full life.

The name's Bingo, test chimp number .

Let me get this straight.

There's no one around here but us animals?

Yep, farmer's at his sister's house in Pacoima, so... just us.

Sweet.

Or as we say in the space business...

[chattering]

Aw, he's adorable.

I wonder if he juggles.

Say, cow guy, got any grub around here?

I've been eating nothing but soy pellets for the last days.

Bingo, our barnyard is your barnyard.

I'll keep that in mind.

Mmm...

Who knew you could make lasagna out of bananas?

Please, have some more.

Pig, hungry space chimp over here, pronto.

Oh, way ahead of you, Otis.

I put extra termites in this time.

You rule, porky.

I was told there's a monkey that needs grooming.

Right here, Duke, give him the deluxe treatment.

You got it.

This may involve some licking.

Yeah, hold that thought, huh?

A tire swing?

Come to papa.

[chattering]

[gasps] Monkey on a tire swing, I'm in.

Bingo: Oh, yeah, back and forth.

Abby: Yahoo, that's what I'm talking about.

Whoo!

Otis, your barnyard is more fun than a barrel of me.

I could really get used to this.

Die, brain-sucking alien.

Our earth-born flu viruses will stop your reign of horror.

[sneezing...]

[gasping]

All right, first, I'm not an alien.

Second, all my flu sh*ts are up to date.

Moon this.

Ah, his story checks out.

We will not let our planet perish.

You know, Bingo,

you are more than welcome to stay if you want.

Really? What would I have to do?

We only got one bylaw.

Otis is the leader, so he calls the sh*ts.

Hold on, McGruff.

You expect a highly advanced primate

to take orders from a cow?

[belch] Is there a problem with that?

Yeah, look, check out this keen, intelligent gaze.

The size of this brain case.

And do I even have to mention my opposable thumbs?

[animals murmuring]

Pig: Holy cow, look at them oppose.

- Otis is advanced too, Bingo. - Oh, no, don't...

He's a space explorer, just like you.

[murmuring agreement]

Yeah, Otis, tell him how you invented the space zamboni.

Um... "Invent" is such a strong word.

And how you discovered

the chewy nougat world of caramel seven, huh?

Yeah, that was... It was all sticky and nougaty

and we had to eat our way out and stuff.

Wow, look at the time. Well, gots to go.

Space explorer, huh?

Otis, I've misjudged you.

Not only do I accept your offer to stay

but I am gonna make you an official space cow.

[animals gasping] Pig: That's the real deal.

Space cow?

Wow, what an honor.

All you gotta do is pass a simple evaluation.

How's tomorrow morning at sound?

Sir, permission to flail my limbs

in a happy dancing manner, sir?

Knock yourself out.

♪ I'm gonna be a space cow, I'll shove it in your face now ♪

♪ I'm gonna be a space cow, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle... ♪

[♪...]

[beep]

Monkey's log, stardate... [chattering]

My life as a miserable test chimp is over.

Once I get rid of the pathetic, thumbless cow

I'll be head honcho in this barnyard forever!

[chattering]

Note to self: Get recipe for banana lasagna.

Oh, that's good stuff.

[♪...]

Ooh, ooh, ah... nice suit.

All right, boys, let's light this banana.

We meet again, brain eater.

Everyone knows that an alien's head explodes

when you play high-decibel polka music.

Oom-pa-pa.

You're doomed on the downbeat, and...

[playing polka music...]

[music slowing down...]

[panting]

[grunts]

- You guys done? - Pretty much.

Bingo: What do you think, Otis?

She's all repaired and ready to go.

Whoa, no way.

Otis can't fly this thing, he can barely drive a stick.

Pip, relax, it's just a simulated flight.

I mean, you know, Bingo wouldn't put his top test cow

in any kind of danger.

Simulated... yeah, you took the words right out of my mouth.

Oh, oh, oh, and by the way, one little thing.

It's not!

What, hey, what's going on?

We're trapped.

That's right, cud boy.

I'm sending you into orbit. Course, that's no biggie

for someone with your vast space experience.

Pip: Uh, ground control to major monkey: He lied.

We were nice to you.

We said you could stay with us. Some of us licked you.

Why are you doing this?

Because I spent my whole life taking orders from humans.

And I'm not about to start taking them from a cow.

Anymoo... ten, nine, other numbers, blast-off.

[screaming]

[chattering]

That is the last time we're ever gonna hear from Otis

the daring space cow.

Abby: Bingo, what's going on?

What happened to Otis and Pip?

I sent your leader and his little rat friend

on a one-way trip.

You're all taking orders from me now.

What makes you think we're gonna obey you?

Oh, I don't know, maybe these.

[gasping]

And if that's not enough, I also have incriminating video of you

walking and talking.

I put extra termites in this time.

Uh, this may involve some licking.

Both: Kiss-up.

Otis: I can't believe

I let that backstabbing monkey do this to us.

Still, it looks amazing up here.

Yeah, I'll treasure this moment till I die...

Which should be in about minutes!

Pip, Pip, calm down.

Remember, the responsible astronaut never panics.

Can they soil themselves? 'Cause that ship has sailed.

Wait a minute... Sailed, ocean currents...

Yeah, I got nothing.

Hey, maybe you can gnaw through these straps.

Why, because I'm a mouse? That's such a stereotype.

[gnawing] Hey, this is pretty good.

[screech]

These bananas are too ripe.

Now, get me some that aren't.

And straighten out that tail.

[chattering]

Whoa, I hope that's banana.

Freddy: Your fate is sealed, alien.

Everyone knows that earth water melts your kind.

Have at you!

How many times do I have to tell you jerks I am not an alien?

Water has no effect on...

Oh, look, a video camera.

Hey, Bingo, look what else tire swings are good for.

Ai-ya-ya-ya-ya!

[grunts]

Good work, Pip. Now I can try the radio.

Hello, can anyone hear me? Hello... mayday...

S.O.S., BFF, LOL, roth I.R.A., PB&J!

It's Otis.

Otis, how did you get inside this little box?

Oh, give me that.

You gotta push "talk."

Otis, Otis, how did you get inside this little box?

Pig, pig, is that you?

I'm gonna need help landing this thing.

Don't cut the green wire.

He's dreaming.

I'm the only one that knows how to land that thing,

and I ain't talking.

Not the green wire!

Looks like I'm gonna have to land this thing on my own.

Hang on.

Barnyard, we have a problem.

I can't hold it, we're breaking up, we're...

[clicks off]

Poor Otis.

He must have cut the green wire.

Serves him right for thinking a cow

could do the job of a simian.

Thumbs!

Look, up in the sky.

[crash]

[animals gasp]

The aliens have sent reinforcements!

You know, that's really getting old.

The cow has landed.

[animals cheering and whistling]

Abby: Good to have you back.

Good job, Otis, you passed the evaluation.

[laughs] You knew I was just testing you, didn't you?

Really? You know, I got a little test for you.

Bingo: This ain't over, cow. I'll be back.

You are gonna wish you never...

[Pip laughs]

Aw, it smells like wet cow in here.

Pip: So there we were, rocketing past the spumoni nebula.

Pig: Wow. Abby: Oh, wow.

Ok, you know there's no spumoni nebula, right?

Stop interrupting. Suddenly, we were att*cked

by the break-dancing robots of shakeubootie .

So there are six other shakeubooties, what?

- Who's telling the story? - Uh, who's making stuff up?

I know you are, but what am I?

That doesn't even make any sense.

- Freddy... - Just checking.

Can't be too careful. [nervous laughter]

[♪...]

Man: O...

Mation.

[♪...]