01x06 - The Barnyard Games/w*r of the Pranks

[bunniefuu]

I'm just heading to the fields, duke, I'll be back.

[Animal noises]

Clear!

[♪...]

All right!

"Rat-abunga!"

Man: ♪ from the haystacks up to the hilltops ♪

♪ We go on dancing...

[Animals cheering]

♪ ...through the night

Ow, ow, ok, ow.

Ow!

Whoo!

♪ Do-si-do your partner now

♪ Gonna party now till the morning light ♪

♪ Do-si-do and don't you know ♪

♪ It's just the way we animals roll. ♪

Ha-ha!

[♪...]

Otis: ok, come on, come on, give me one more.

[Grunts] come on, otis.

And you say you're in shape for the annual barnyard games.

Come on, put some udder into it.

[Grunts]

Pip: that's what I'm talking about.

Ah, good workout, I'm exhausted.

Whoa...

Guys, I am in the best shape of my life.

Check out these g*ns... Go ahead, ask me why I call them "g*ns," do it.

Ask me, I bet you won't do it, do it.

Ok, why do you call them... Whoa!

Whoa, good job, freddy.

I think your training is really showing results.

Training, I was just following the scent of chicken...

I mean, competition... Sweet, succulent competition.

Hey, guys, whatcha doing?

We're training for the annual barnyard games.

The winner- that would be me- gets the stall with the heating vent.

Barnyard games?

Oh, I want to play.

Wait, hold on, hold on, a girl in the barnyard games?

She'll get frilly, delicate girl germs on everything.

Come on, guys, be nice... Abby's new here, and, you know...

We should try to make her feel a little more welcome.

Yeah, otis is right.

[Coughing]: pushover.

Kiss-up. Spineless. Girl-liker.

Ignore them, abby.

So I'm in?

Whoo-hoo!

Bessy, I'm gonna be in the barnyard games.

Nice girl... I'm gonna hate crushing her spirit.

Ok, pig crunches, let's go.

A hundred?

Oh, man, I hate this.

Duke: welcome to the annual barnyard games.

[Cheering and whistling]

The air is tense with anticipation.

You know this is a soda can with a string taped to it?

Yeah, thanks for stomping on my dreams.

And here come the athletes.

The returning champ and eventual winner, otis.

[Cheering]

Spectator: all the way, buddy.

Followed by the few barnyard animals who dare to challenge him...

Like the spunky newcomer we're all humoring, abby.

I'm just happy to be included.

Duke: pig, who's already thrown in the towel.

I'm number four, I'm number four...

I'm not that competitive.

Duke: everett, who may not make it to the starting line...

[Grunts]

Bringing up the extreme rear is...

Hey, freddy, you gonna listen to me?

I told you, you're not a barnyard animal.

You're disqualified, get out of here.

How did he see through my disguise?

Aw, don't you worry, buddy, I'll win this for us.

Peck, no... What about your... Your problem?

Freddy, I am not accident-prone, I swear.

I really don't know how these silly rumors get started.

[Peck grunts, crowd gasps]

Contestants, take your marks for the hay bale pull.

Hey, don't worry about losing, abby, that's not really the important thing.

It's adorable that you're even trying.

Oh, thanks, otis, I'll sure do my best.

That's all a little, old farm gal like me can...

[Air horn blows]

Hee-ya, abby smash, abby smash you all.

[Groans]

[Snores]

Must win, must win, must win!

Must quit, must quit, must quit.

[Clucks]

[Animals cheering...]

What an amazing upset!

Abby is the winner, otis is an ego-crushing second and pig is...

Joining me in the booth?

I never had a chance, duke... Scoot over.

And peck clings tenuouslyto life.

I think it's just a flesh wound. [Grunts]

[Panting] what in the sweet cud just happened here?

Dude, you just got b*at by a girl. [Laughs]

Hey, what size dress you wear, 'cause we may as well start shopping.

Abby, tell us how you come by your amazing athletic talent.

Well, gosh, duke, I grew up with older brothers who used to clobber me all the time.

Then one day I just kind of decided...

That would never happen again!

Is this on tv, 'cause I'm a little camera-shy.

Hey, here she comes.

Pretend you still have a shred of dignity.

Otis, that was so fun.

I never thought in a million years I'd b*at you, but I did.

Just now, remember, back there, when I b*at you?

Remember when I did that?

Yeah, it's coming back to me.

Man: ♪ well, we're getting kind of hot ♪

♪ 'Cause they're sh**ting some sparks at the barnyard ♪

♪ Put the needle in a lemon and we're gonna keep it there all day ♪

♪ There's mud in the puddle and hay in the stack ♪

[Screams]

♪ Might get messy but we like it that way in the barnyard ♪

♪ Well, put the pedal to the metal and we're kicking it up at the barnyard ♪

♪ If we seem a little crazy, well, honey, it's just all right ♪

♪ There's grain in the silo and food in the trough ♪

[Clucks]♪ ...and it won't turn off

♪ Gettin' all messy but we like it that way in the barnyard ♪

♪ There's mud in the puddle and hay in the stack ♪

♪ Hit the ground runnin' and we don't look back ♪

♪ Gettin' kind of messy but we really like it that way. ♪

Ok, otis, you're losing to a girl.

That's fine, you know what, no big deal.

They're just games, right?

Come on, don't give up, man.

You got one thing abby hasn't got.

What's that, upper body strength, hoof-eye coordination?

No, she kicks your butt in those too.

I was talking about sneakiness and deceit.

Oh, come on, pip, the barnyard games are all about honest competition.

You know I could never do... I've got it.

I'll discover abby's weaknesses and then use them to kick her butt.

And I think I know just how to do it.

[Cackles]

[Cackles] do I have to help?

Gosh, otis, a moonlight walk together.

Pretty stupid, huh?

Unless you don't think so... Do you?

I don't... Unless I do.

Shh... Let's not ruin it with words, abby.

I just thought we could get to know each other, you know?

I mean, for instance, I don't even know what kind of flowers you're allergic to.

Let's find out.

Daffodils, dandelions, snapdragons, petunias?

[Sneezes]

Petunias, excellent, we're so getting to know each other.

I'm having fun too.

You know, some girls can't resist sweets.

For example, can I interest you in candy-coated turnip balls?

Oh, no, thanks.

Oh.

Otis, now the colors are all confused.

Can't resist, must organize.

Compulsive organizer. [Chuckles]

So, otis, do you take other girls on moonlit walks?

I mean, not that I care.

Why should I care what you do with a bunch of stupid girls? [Laughs]

[Laughs] you know, actually, abby, I find most girls find the nighttime kind of spooky.

Hey, what scares you?

Werewolf movies, shrunken heads, black cats?

[Gasps] a kitten, oh, I love kittens.

Weakness for kittens. [Laughs]

[Cat yowling...]

Ow, ow, ow, mad cat, mad cat.

Hey, what's this?

"Allergic to petunias"?

Cat on my face, cat on my face!

"Compulsive organizer"?

You're making a list about me.

No, seriously, pull it off, pull it off, pull it off.

You don't want to get to know me.

You just want to learn stuff about me to make me lose.

You're not nice at all.

And I am gonna crush you!

Hmm, angry when betrayed.

And then he shoved petunias in my face.

Well, maybe it's time we gave that prime beef bozo a taste of his own medicine.

Oh, that wouldn't be right.

My mama always says a win ain't a win unless you win it fair and square.

Trust me... I'll be right back.

Hey, pip, whatcha doing?

Fluffing otis's pillow.

I need him rested for tomorrow's event so he's not a complete lame-o.

You're so kind and considerate.

Otis is lucky to have you for a friend.

You know, I could be your friend too.

[Laughs] you are so funny.

How you must make otis laugh.

Oh, and speaking of otis, what are his fatal weaknesses?

Well, he... Hey, wait a minute.

No one makes me betray my best pal otis.

Not even for a date?

You, me, a bottle of expired milk?

[Stammering]

He's afraid of tarantulas... He loves sports bloopers... He believes in leprechauns.

That'll do.

Wait, wait, wait... He loves mincemeat, his blood type is ab-positive, he likes...

I'll call you with more later!

Duke: it's the final event, the obstacle course.

Winner take all.

That heating vent is still anyone's to win, duke.

[Chuckles] I'm only kidding, we all know abby's gonna win.

You ready to get served?

Oh, I don't think so, because I'm otis, and I'll be your server today.

Can I start you off with an appetizer?

That doesn't even make sense.

You don't even make sense.

[Air horn blows]

Both: yah!

[Peck screams]

[Sneezing]

[Otis laughs]

Hey there, dummy.

Aah, tarantula... Furry death, furry death.

Abby: yah!

Buttons... Must organize by size and color.

[Otis laughs]

Hey, sports bloopers. [Laughs]

So long, legs.

Hey, that guy's not even breathing... This is awesome.

[Mews]

I'll help you, kitty.

[Train horn blows]

Otis: danger?

She probably put this here to throw me off-track.

A fake danger sign?

Weak.

Yow!

Otis!

See, I'm being nice even though you've been

Trying to make me look bad since these games began.

What?

I only entered these stupid games

'Cause I thought it'd be fun to spend time with you guys.

Oh, really?

Well, I only invited you so you'd feel welcome in the barnyard.

Well, I only...

Wait, for real?

'Cause, uh, you know, it did make me feel welcome.

Well, good, then.

So I guess we're done arguing.

[Screams]

Quick, quick, use whatever you can to get a foothold.

[Groans]

[Gasps]

[Grunts]

Whoo, that was a close one.

Look, what do you say we just forget this whole competition thing and be friends?

Maybe you're right, otis.

Right after I whip your butt!

In your dreams!

Pig: and here come abby and otis into the final stretch.

It's abby...duke: it's otis.

Pig: it's abby.it's otis.

It's abby.it's otis, it's...

[Both grunt]

Both: a tie.

Both: yes!

Pig: for second place.

Both: huh?

Yeah, peck won about five minutes ago.

Chickens [clucking]: peck, peck, peck, peck...

Thank you, thank you.

Freddy: [sighs] your own heating vent.

Crank it up a notch, will you, buddy?

Sure thing, fred.

You know the best part about winning?

No one's ever gonna call me accident-prone again.

[Laughs]

Uh-oh.

[Grunts]

[Sniffs] mmm, chicken-y.

Peck: I'm ok.

[♪...]

Next on "prank'd," we get actress katie mckaterson fired...

Steal her stuff, and burn down her house.

Ha!

Then we hold her over a live volcano till she admits how awesome I am. [Laughs]

[Laughter]

That is hilarious.

Oh, that "prank'd" guy, he's a genius.

Aw, come on, guys, I could do that show.

I mean, what does he have that I don't have?

Let's see... His own show, good looks, fame, money, great pranks, writers...

I got a couple of those.

A moron like you wouldn't stand a chance against my pranks

So I suggest you zip it.

Shh, quiet, quiet, the show's on again.

Yeah, but...

Eh, eh. [Otis sighs]

Hey, you thinking what I'm thinking?

That we should just get a stinking tv for the barn already?

No... We should totally prank bessy.

Meet me in the cornfield after everyone's asleep.

Dude, you had me at "prank."

Ok, good.

Get off my hand.

But I like it... It's like having my own taxi.

Otis: yeah, seriously, get off.

Right.

Ok, you get over by pig and direct me.

I still don't know what we're doing.

We're making crop circles so everyone will think aliens came to the farm.

Oh... So why is pig here?

Because pigs are excellent corn flatteners.

He's like a steamroller... A fat, snoring steamroller.

You're gonna roll him over and over while I'm running alongside him?

He'll puke all over me.

Eh, think of it as being hugged by chewed food.

What, what's going on?

Uh, nothing, nothing.

You're dreaming.

You're on a carnival ride.

Sleep, sleep.

Oh, I like carnivals. [Snoring]

Pip: uh-oh, things are about to get chunky.

Peck: do you see that?

Abby: this is crazy.

Duke: I saw this in a movie once.

Some aliens made these crop circles, and then they invaded.

Aliens, my butt.

This is just someone's idea of a stupid joke.

Um, no, I think it's really aliens.

They're probably here to harvest us.

What do you mean, harvest us?

You know, harvest our brains for experiments.

Good, then you've got nothing to worry about.

What if they want to harvest my left paw?

Houston, we have a moron.

This is obviously someone's prank.

You'll never take my left paw.

Never!

I'll protect your paw, buddy.

Oh, I love a good chase.

Here I come, boys.

That's so immature.

Hey, wait for me, whoa, wait.

That's right, run from the aliens. [Laughs]

Run before they suck out your brains and make smoothies with them.

Brain smoothie, huh?

Do they use sherbert or frozen yogurt?

So, bessy, I bet you're totally freaked out by these crop circles, huh?

Well, judging by the bits of corn st*lks still stuck to your hooves

I say you made those crop circles.

What? That's ridiculous.

And from the bruises on pig

I'd say you probably rolled pig around like a steamroller to do it- am I right?

No, I got these bruises at a carnival.

And I bet he puked on pip.

Did i?

[Buzzing]

[Screams]

Wait, come back, did i?

Take it from the queen, otis, you stink at pranks.

Well... You have an active imagination.

I didn't do this, aliens did.

Sure they did.

Ok, I see how it is.

She wants pranks, I'll give her pranks.

I'll prank her so good she'll be blinded by my pranky radiance.

Or we could just let it lie and get on with our lives.

Eh, I'm gonna go with my plan.

Otis: awake, earthling cow.

[Snoring]

[Clears throat] I said... Awake, earthling cow.

Prepare to meet your fate.

Uh, pip, you want to help out a little here?

Pip: I'm on it.

Huh, what is it, who's there?

We... I am a scary alien.

Pip: scary.

Otis: prepare to be harvested.

You're an alien?

Yes.

I'm going to harvest your brain for my scary alien experiments.

Delightful.

Ok, go ahead, take my brain right now.

I want to see you do it.

Otis and pip: you do?

Mm-hmm.

Otis: ok, here I go...

Back to the ship, where I shall return with my brain harvesting tools.

Yeah, you do that.

See you real soon.

[Groans]

[Gasps]

Otis and pip: ow!

You'll never take my left paw.

Otis: huh?

Aah! Run away!

Otis: this ought to fix the prank queen.

Otis, otis, an alien tried to harvest my left paw last night

Just like you said.

No, it didn't, that was me.

You're an alien?

No, I am... Ow!

I am not an alien.

Look, never mind that, I need your help with something.

Pip's gonna get bessy to come in here any minute.

I'm gonna chat her up, and when she's under this bucket of rocks

I'll say "afternoon," and you guys pull the rope, ok?

Pff, I was born to pull ropes on cue.

I was born with this freckle.

Ok, anyway, go hide behind the hay.

Oh, just don't forget the cue... "Afternoon."

Did we get her?

Otis: no.

All right, minor setback.

This time, wait for me to say "afternoon."

Ok, ready?

I'm not gonna say it, but remember your cue.

Oh, my... I didn't even say anything.

Yeah, but you were thinking it.

Besides, I like pulling the rope, it makes rocks fall.

Ok, let's try it this way.

You guys say the cue word when bessy walks under the bucket, and I'll pull the rope.

Can you do that?

Pff, can we do that?

You can count on us.

When have we ever let you down?

[Sighs]

Peck: oh, hi, bessy, are you walking inside?

It sure is a nice... Morning.

Morning!

It's not morning, it's lunchtime.

No, I got it, it's "after" something... Aftershave.

After-dinner mint.

No, that's not it.

Freddy: ooh, I mess everything up.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

[Groans] let's get out of here.

You still stink at pranks, otis.

[Sighs]

Here it is, pip, my masterpiece.

I'm a genius.

I told you I'd get bessy if it's the last thing I do.

I don't remember you saying that.

When bessy steps right on that spot, a rope will tighten around her ankle.

Then she'll get spun around, squirted with lemon juice...

And then that basket of apples will fall all over her.

[Laughing]: then, she'll get zipped out that window and smash into the tree

Behind the outhouse!

It's hilarious even just talking about it.

[Laughing]

You've stopped sleeping, haven't you?

Yeah, it's been about three days.

Anyway, let me show you the mechanics of...

Pip: watch out!

Otis: whoa!

Oh.

Whoa... Pukey.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Uh-oh.

Aah, my eyes, my eyes.

Ow, ow, apples.

Whoa...!

[Screams]

[Gasps]

[Laughing...]

Oh, it is on.

That was great.

Bessy was so embarrassed, did you see her face?

Yeah, I guess she knows who's the pranking genius now.

[Laughs] bessy.

I thought you said the plan was for her to get...

Nope, nope, this was the plan, just the way I planned it.

[Yells]

Hey, where... Pip?

Where'd you go? [Screams]

[Screams]

Aah, you're k*lling my eardrums, dude.

[Both screaming]

Why are you screaming?

Because you scared me.

Why are you screaming, because of the alien in front of you?

[Screaming]

[Distorted]: that's enough, earth cow.

Do you know why I'm here?

To untie us?

No... I read your cornfield messages.

They were so witty and well-written...

As soon as I read them, I knew I had to harvest your brains.

That was an accident... We just rolled pig around in a field for a few hours.

Don't you play dumb with me.

We're not playing.

Honest, we're really dumb.

We don't know anything about your alien people or your cornfield language.

Yeah, otis can barely write english.

How could he write alien?

That's nothing compared to how dumb pip is.

He drools on himself and thinks it's raining.

Yeah, it's true, I'm really dumb.

Whoa, wait a minute, you're not dumber than me.

Dude, you wish you were as dumb as me.

Yeah, well, you wish you were...

Alien: silence.

Since you're both obviously so dumb, your brains are useless to me.

Yes, right on, completely useless.

I'll just take this brain instead.

[Bessy groaning]

Prepare for harvesting, other earth cow.

[Machine whirring]

Say good-bye.

Wait, wait, wait, don't do it, please, she's our friend.

She's the love of my life.

We're going to have beautiful cow-mouse babies together.

Huh? Uh-uh.

And she's a good person.

I mean, sure, she yells a lot and she insults me, like, /

And snores like a sailor and...

[Clears throat]

But we still like her, is the point.

I... I don't want to be on the farm without her.

You've convinced me.

Your brain it is.

[Both screaming...]

It's melting my face... Wait, no, it isn't.

It's just honey.

Surprise!

Wait...what, you, abby, you, the alien?

And that's how you pull a prank.

Don't worry, I won't tell anyone about this extremely humiliating and embarrassing moment.

'Cause they already know.

[Laughing...]

Now will you stop pulling pranks on bessy?

Ha, in your dreams.

You may have won this round, but if you think this is over, then I'm afraid you are sadly...

Ladies?

Ok, I'll take it under consideration.

I have seeds in my butt.

[Sighs]

Can you please pass the soap?

[Pig humming]

Let's hear that one more time.

Pip: yeah, yeah, it's true, I'm really dumb.

Otis: hey, whoa, wait a minute, you're not dumber than me.

Pip: dude, you wish you were as dumb as me.

Ah, let's all have a nice end-of-the-show laugh.

[Laughing...]

[Beeping]

Soon the earth creature's left paw will be ours...

All ours.

[Laughs] laugh with me.

[Both laughing]

Man: the end... Question mark?

[♪...]

Man: o...

Mation.

[♪...]