01x01 - The Best You Can Be

[bunniefuu]

[bird cawing]

[muffled grunts]

[grunting continues]

[grunting]

[continues grunting]

[screaming]

[panting]

[screams]

[fly buzzing]

[telephone rings]

[Miles sighs]

[telephone continues ringing]

[fly continues buzzing]

[indistinct office chatter]

[sighs]

[fly continues buzzing]

[Mousy] Hillston pitch is in 20 minutes.

Both feet in today, okay, Miles?

[fly continues buzzing]

[sighs]

[fly continues buzzing]

You're welcome.

[coughs, sniffs]

Hillston.

I don't have anything.
Just... I need a little more time.

I just need a couple of days.

Just to nail it.

Just a... Just...

Just a couple...

Dan.

You've been a pleasant surprise lately.

You need more time, too?

Ooh.

No, ma'am.

[inhales]

Oh.

Thanks, Miles.

Be a pal, pass these out.

[clicks tongue]

Pal, take one, pass it down.

There we go.

Hillston...

- wants us to...
- Uh...

...refresh their brand image.

But how about we refresh their...

reality?

[all exclaiming]

[all] Ooh!

[all laughing]

[upbeat music plays]

[people chattering]

- [woman] Yeah!
- [crowd cheering]

[man] It's Dan's party!

Yeah, Jerry.

Hey.

What happened to you, man?

I mean, you used to hide behind interns,
but now you're... you're so you.

I don't know, one day I just decided

to start looking people in the eye
and tell 'em,

"Hey,

we're gonna be friends."

And so, now you can just
magically sell Pool

on something as ridiculous
as those glasses?

Oculi are the balls, dude.

Okay, okay. Hey, hey.
You... you really wanna know my secret?

- No.
- I went to...

a spa.

Your secret is you paid for a handjob?

[snorts] No. No, no, no, no.
Not that kind, okay? Um... [inhales]

[exhales] It was like this cleanse...

full mind,

body, soul.

You have to be recommended
by a previous client,

and it's highly exclusive.

Mm. So, how'd you get in?

I know people.

And it is coin, I'm not sh1tting you.

But ever since then,

I am on fire.

So why are you telling me?

- When one succeeds, we all succeed.
- Oh, come... Bullshit.

Okay, look, I get a 10% referral fee.

Plus...

to be honest with you,

I'm not exactly worried
about the competition.

[car unlocks]

[kissing and moaning]

Oh.

[woman] Ow.

[objects clatter]

[Kate] Was that the credenza?

No, it's all right.

[sighs]

I'll be up in a minute.

[thuds]

[sighs]

[cell phone rings]

[sighs]

Hello?

[Hugh] Good morning, Mr. Elliott.
This is South Hill Fertility Center

calling to confirm your appointment
for today.

[inhales]

All right.

[sighs]

Hi, Hugh.

[Hugh] Let me guess, Mr. Elliott.
Another reschedule?

Honey.

We're never gonna be able
to make a baby

if you won't keep your first appointment.
It's like...

birds and the bees stuff.

It's... [sighs]

It's so expensive, you know.

Well, then, what else
have we been saving for?

I mean... And, you know,
your work will pick up.

[sighs]

You know, a sperm analysis
is nothing to be ashamed of.

[groans]

God, could we just...

[inhales]

[sighs]

Let's just talk about it later, all right?
I don't...

Let's not ruin a nice morning.

Yeah, I wouldn't want to ruin
this nice morning we're having.

Don't know how many more
of these nice mornings I can take.

[flips switch]

[shower running]

Honey, um...

What?

- Where do we keep the light bulbs again?
- [cell phone chimes]

Uh, I don't know. The laundry room maybe?

- Right.
- [cell phone chimes]

[flips switch]

[flips switch]

[light bulb shatters]

[shower running]

[phone line trilling]

[Right] Top Happy.

Uh, yeah. Hi. I'd, uh, like to make
an appointment, please?

[Right] Fifty thousand dollar.

One-seven-three-zero highway 27,

across from a Curves.

[line disconnects]

I'm gonna k*ll Dan.

God, what am I doing?

First time?

Uh-huh.

You?

Six.

[buzzer sounds]

Hello?

[relaxing music plays]

Hello?

[gasps]

Welcome to Top Happy Spa.

- [water pours]
- Oh, God.

[sighs]

Cucumber water?

- Was that Tom Brady outside?
- Sorry...

client confidentiality
is our number-one priority.

You were referred by...?

Dan Grannam. I work with him.

Ah, yes.

Did he tell you about Top Happy,
the process?

No, not really.

Life.

Am I right?

Yeah. What?

[Right] The path of life

brings us many troubles:

sadness, fear,

humiliation,

pain,

short telomeres,

bad DNA,

old body, old chemical,

bad life.

Our exclusive process:

rebuild your DNA better than ever.

A better you.

The best you can be.

Okay?

[inhales]

[exhales]

Okay.

That's what I want.

Um, excuse me?

Is there a reason I'm wearing a diaper?

Is this gonna take long?

[cat purring]

Just calibrating the equipment.

[cat meows]

[cat meows]

What are you doing?

Aah.

Aah... Aah!

["Orinoco Flow" plays]

Aah.

What's that?

♪ Sail away, sail away ♪

♪ Sail away, sail away, sail away ♪

What is this?

[Left] Make you more comfortable.

I feel like I'm...

Okay.

Aromatherapy thing, I think?

[air hisses]

[air flow stops]

What?

[machine buzzes]

What is...

- [air hisses]
- [speaking Korean]

[Left and Right continue speaking Korean]

[Miles] What's that?

[speaking Korean]

[Miles] What?

[stutters] Everything okay?

Huh?

Is it okay?

[continue speaking Korean]

[Miles groans]

♪ Sail away, sail away, sail away ♪

[Miles] A unicorn.

♪ Sail away, sail away, sail away ♪

[Miles grunts]

Huh?

[grunting]

[continues grunting]

[grunting]

[gasping]

[panting]

[dog barking]

[groans]

What kind of farm
doesn't have a clothesline?

[dog barking]

[man] Miles?

What are you doing, you dumb sh*t?

[dog barking]

[gasping]

[heavy breathing]
Let's see if this thing worked.

[brakes squeal]

Hi.

I'm Miles.

And we're gonna be friends.

[tires squeal]

[sighs]

[breathing heavily]

[loud thud]

[Miles] What time do you have to be
at work in the morning?

[Kate] I don't know, the usual.

[Miles speaking indistinctly]

[Miles] Do you want any water
from the fridge? I need to hydrate.

[Kate] No, it's okay,
I'm just trying to sleep.

[breathes heavily]

[breathing heavily]

[grunts]

[grunting]

[loud thud]

[Kate] Miles, is that the credenza?

[breathing heavily]

[Kate] Are you okay?
Do I need to come down?

[both] No, no, it's fine.

[both breathing heavily]

[continues breathing heavily]

[mumbling]

I'm putting this down.

Okay?

It's okay.

It's okay.

- What are you?
- I don't want any trouble.

I don't know what's happening.

I would just like you to leave my house,
please.

You leave this house.

In fact, what are you even doing here?

I live here.

I live here.

I live here!

- Take it easy. Take it easy.
- What's happening?

- What's happening?
- No.

That's what I'd like to know.

That's what I'd like to know.

- That's what I'd like to know.
- The only thing I know

is that I was upstairs with my wife.

Hold on. Your wife?

And now I'm being att*cked
by someone who looks like me...

in a diaper.

Well, all I know...

is that I went to a spa.

I woke up in a grave...

and then, I walked barefoot

for six hours

to...

find whatever the f*ck you are
upstairs with my wife.

I woke up in a spa,

but then I went to work,

came home,

and now this.

[both] The spa.

Let's go.

You might want to put on some clothes.

- Yeah.
- You can borrow

some of mine in the laundry room.

[mumbles]

[New Miles] There are shoes
by the front door.

I know.

[New Miles] I'm just gonna leave Kate
a note.

Okay.

[inhales] Okay, tell me this.

Four years old, co-op, pre-K.

I'm drinking lemonade, waiting for my mom
to pick me up. What happened?

Huh? Uh-huh. See?

A bee stung me on the eyebrow.

It felt like a hot needle.

Seventh grade.

Lake Valley overnight,
seven minutes in heaven.

I couldn't undo the bra strap of...

- Oh, uh...
- She told the whole school about it.

I know, I know. I know she did.
What, um...

Uh...

Hair color?

- Blonde.
- Right. Yeah, yeah. Um...

- First initial.
- E.

First initial last name.

E... Oh, God.

- Yeah. See, not so easy, is it?
- Okay. No, no, I-I know it. It's um...

- It's, uh, Ellen.
- Ellen.

Ellen.

- Ellen, uh... Ellen, um...
- What?

- Hall something, right?
- Halter?

Halter. Halter.

[both] Halther.

Ellen Halther.

[both] Ellen Halther.

[both laugh]

Yeah. Always looked at you
like she hated you.

God, I know. She had that uptight
preppy thing going on, right?

- Yeah.
- Ellen Halther.

Yes.

When was the last time you...

- thought of...
- Yeah. Yeah.

Come on. [knocking]

[banging]

If you're that desperate,
I'll give you a tug job.

- f*ck off.
- Sir...

please.

[banging]

Uh-oh.

Mr. Elliott.

Mr. Elliott.

This is a new process.

Very difficult.

People are not ready for this.

Reproductive cloning is still illegal
in 187 countries.

- Cloning?
- Ultrarapid cloning

plus micro-synaptic memory transfer.

Wait a minute. You...

You cloned me?

There you go.
You hit the nail right on the head.

Well, what were you planning on doing
with the original me?

The me-me.

In a better society,

we wouldn't have to do it this way.

What way?

Ideally we grind
then dissolve in acid solution,

but we had maintenance problems.

The difficulties of getting parts
from Korea, you wouldn't believe.

So, for now, we bury the de-activees
in the state forest.

Upside, no entry fees.

- Pretty good deal.
- [Miles] I'm sorry.

You...

- tried to m*rder me.
- Please.

We are very upset about this.

You are the first to survive
the deactivation.

Bad gas.

[speaking Korean]

Hold up. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

You... You were just gonna k*ll me?

No. We'd harvest your organ first.

[Right laughs] Kidding.

Better check your liver, right?

[laughs]

So true.

Laughter is the spice of life.

[stammers] So, you are kidding?

Harvesting organ, yes.

Cloning, m*rder, no.

We offer our sincere apologies.

Well, I'm sorry, but you know what?
Somehow that seems a little insufficient.

I mean, at the minimum...

[stammers] the minimum,

I should get a refund.

- Sorry, no refunds. Corporate policy.
- [Miles] Hey!

Are you gonna add anything to this, huh?
Are you just gonna sit there?

This isn't real, right?
I mean, this is some kind of trick.

No.

So, who's the clone?

You.

All right, little detail
you might have noticed.

There's two of us, but there is
one home, there's one car, one life.

So, what do you suggest we do?

[speaking Korean]

Okay, here's what we can do.

Ten percent discount.

That's it?

No, there's more.

Twenty percent,

if you refer new customer.

["Orinoco Flow" by Enya plays]

♪ Sail away, sail away, sail away ♪

♪ Sail away, sail away, sail away ♪

♪ Sail away, sail away, sail away ♪

♪ Sail away, sail away, sail away ♪

♪ From Bissau to Palau
In the shade of Avalon ♪

♪ From Fiji to Tiree
And the isles of Ebony ♪

♪ From Peru to Cebu
Feel the power of Babylon ♪

♪ From Bali to Cali
Far beneath the Coral Sea ♪

♪ Turn it up, turn it up, turn it up ♪

♪ Adieu ♪