01x06 - Neighbors and Friends

[bunniefuu]

[car door opens, closes]

[dark instrumental music playing]

[crunches]

Looking forward to your design conference?

[crunches]

Yeah. Yeah.

Spend the week in the city,
see some friends.

That'll be... That'll be fun.

Yeah.

You know, if you're still upset
about the money...

No, I'm not.

Hey, I think I'm gonna get rid
of that credenza.

- Really?
- [Kate] Mm-hmm.

Assuming you don't mind.

Uh...

Yeah, sure.
I mean, if that's what you want.

Yeah.

[Miles] Hey, look about the money.

It's fine. He took care of it.

Who?

Uh, New Miles or... other Miles.
I don't know what to call him.

What?

[Kate] Yeah. I mean, I assume it was him.

The bank rang and said
you re-deposited the money,

but it couldn't have been you, right?

Unless you have a spare 20 grand
lying around.

- No.
- Well...

there you go.

You know, it's not like
he's some hero or anything.

It was my money to begin with.

Your money?

Well, our... ours.

Sorry. Our money. Yours and mine.

Mostly yours.

Look, all he did was give it back.

Yeah, he did. No worries.

[car beeps]

[Kate sighs]

It's funny how different
you two actually are.

[car door closes]

[engine turns over]

[pensive instrumental music plays]

[telephone rings]

[continues ringing]

[continues ringing]

[continues ringing]

Hello?

[Hugh] Good afternoon, Mr. Elliott.
This is South Hill Fertility Center

calling to confirm
your ten o'clock appointment tomorrow.

Oh, uh...

Hi, Hugh.

I'm just gonna go ahead and cancel.
No need to reschedule.

Good luck with everything, Mr. Elliott.

[inhales] Okay.

[Hugh] Okay, what?

[indistinct chatter]

Hugh?

How do you like that?

Mr. Elliott.

You look different than I imagined.

You are exactly how I imagined.

Does, uh, Mrs. Elliott know you're here?

No, why?

Um...

You know what? Take a seat.

Uh, fill this out
and we'll call you when it's your turn.

[ambient music plays]

[Hugh] Please try to keep the sample
in the cup.

If you miss the cup, please note
which part of the emission was missed.

Your attention to these important details
helps us help you.

For assistance, you may choose
a stimulatory aid from the hand terminal.

Please press the call button
when through.

[grunts]

Analpalooza.

WaterSportsCenter?

[Hugh] We serve a range of patients
without judgment, Mr. Elliott,

including you.

Dude, are you gonna listen to me
while I'm in here doing this?

Hugh?

Hello?

Hey.

We did it.

You can just leave that
in the collection room.

I didn't want to.

- We will call you with the results.
- Can't wait.

Bye.

[telephone rings]

- [whistling]
- [telephone continues ringing]

- Hello?
- [Wendy] Hi, Mr. Elliott.

This is Wendy, calling
from the Gold Pencil awards committee.

Oh.Hi.

[Wendy] Yeah. Just calling to confirm
that you're still at 22 Crescent Avenue?

Uh-huh. Yeah, I am.

Um...

Might I ask what this is about?

[Wendy] Uh, let's see.

Well, looks like your company submitted
your Neighbors and Friends campaign.

We like to keep our records up-to-date,
and for you, it's been...

wow, five years
since they last submitted you.

Been a while.

Yeah, it has.

[Wendy] But hey, they must think
your recent work is pretty genius.

Seriously?

That sappy piece of sh*t?

[Wendy] Uh...

I'm sorry?

[sighs] No. Nothing. Nevermind.

Um...

[inhales, sighs]

Thanks for the call.

[disconnects call]

[line trilling]

Let's see this genius in action.

Yeah, Kaylyn, it's Miles. Can you tell me
where today's Town Hall is?

[Kaylyn] What? Where are you?
You gotta get out there.

The whole county's voting
in the Hillston pitch today.

I know. I'm on my way.
I just need the exact address.

[country music plays]

[people chattering]

Milk and cookies from your friends
at Hillston?

[Ray] Miles?

Miles!

What are you, a friggin' turtle?

Stand up and shake my hand, goddammit.

Uh...

Hi.

Uh, I'm sorry, I...

forgot your name.

Don't big time me.

I'll tell your city friends
about you creeping naked

around my yard.

Though sh*t, that's probably
a normal Friday night for you all.

What the hell you doing here anyway?

Uh, just a concerned citizen.

Yeah, concerned is right.

Corporate bastards trying
to microwave our balls off.

[taps microphone] Take your seats, please.

We're about to get going here.

Now, as you know, we got two competing
proposals for the cell tower installations

and we're here to pick one.

This morning, Broadspan Telecom
was kind enough

to share with us their presentation.

Now, we've asked Hillston
to present their proposal

and I'm told they have a video.

[optimistic music]

[woman] At Hillston, we're a part
of your local community.

One big family
reaching out to your family.

And what's more important than family?

Our state-of-the-art fiber connections
have nothing

on the connections that we make

between hearts.

Hillston. Your neighbor and friend.

We know you.

[people chattering]

[applause]

Now, I believe we're gonna
open it up to questions.

We have a representative from Hillston.
A Mr. Elliott.

Sorry, one moment.

Actually, I'm being told
that our speaker is unavailable.

So we're just gonna go
straight to public comments.

The microphone up front.

Hey, there. Harrison Garrett.

I just wanna say that this morning,

them Broadspan boys
were slicker than snot on a glass eyeball.

[laughter]

Now Hillston here,
they say they're different.

Local, like us, neighbors and friends,

not some international conglomerate,

like that video there says.

But answer me this.

If they're really our friends,

why are they trying to sweet talk us
with the milk and cookies?

I ain't a child, goddammit.

[applause]

Harrison's right.

[stammers] Why don't they just
tell it to us straight?

I think I can understand their proposal
without this...

lover to lover crap.

[laughter and applause]

[laughs]

[Ray] Neighbors and friends?

They ain't our neighbors,
and they sure as sh*t ain't our friends.

[laughter]

- [man] Tell 'em, Ray!
- [applause]

That's exactly what I said.
It's a bunch of sappy bullshit.

All right, that's enough.
Anybody got anything good to say?

[people chattering]

All right, then. Talk amongst yourselves,

then we'll put it up for a vote.

Uh...

It's a 30-minute recess.

Don't get too drunk.

[laughter]

Shove your Golden Pencil up your golden...

- [man] Come on, Ray!
- [Ray] Okay.

Buy me a beer.

I'll introduce you
to some good Christian folks,

sinners every one.

I'll take a rain check, Ray.

Eh, your loss.

I want you to find Miles,
get his ass down here,

because if this vote goes south,
he'll be lucky to find a job

as a shitpicker
on one of these turd farms.

[Dan] Well, I guess some people
just can't handle the pressure.

[dialing]

[line trilling]

[New Miles] Hey, it's Miles.
Leave a message.

[hoarse whisper]
Hey, hey, where are you?! Huh?

Your cornball campaign
is about to get voted down,

just like I knew it would.

Don't tell me you're cracking now,

because this campaign
is the whole reason I even hired you.

I know, technically,
I-I didn't hire you, but...

Whatever. Look.

Fix your flat
or whatever the hell you're doing

and get down here and fix this.

Otherwise, we're both screwed.

Oh, sh*t.

[sighs]

Oh, God.

What would you do if you were you?

[country music playing]

Ray!

Miles?

Introduce me to your friends.

This man here is the absolute worst
g*dd*mn crop picker

I have ever laid eyes on.

[laughter]

My brother Bud's a better picker,

and he's just got one damn arm.

[laughter]

And palsy in that!

And my grandpa's a farmer,
so, yeah, I got no excuse.

Really?

Poultry farmer.

I used to spend my summers
down on his farm.

All that time.
Never learned a g*dd*mn thing.

Well, that's the truth.

But one time, he did teach me
to sex baby chicks.

He used to use this, um...

like a jeweler's, uh, magnifying glass.

To find the little peckers with it, yeah.

It's a trick he learned from the Japanese,
I think.

So anyway, I worked hard at it. He was...
He was so proud of me. So proud.

Until a couple of weeks later when...

two hundred prize layers that we sold
grew into cocks.

[laughter]

I separated 'em fine.

- I just got the sexing backwards, so.
- [laughter]

The customers were just
a little bit pissed off.

Started screaming at me.

My grandpa,
he grabs one of them by the shirt,

gets in their face and says,

"Any man that got no use for a cock
don't deserve to have one."

[laughter]

He still got the hatchery
or did you put him out of business?

Oh, he fired me before that.
Thank... Thank God.

- [chattering indistinctly]
- [Miles laughs]

I went to go see him
about a year ago, though.

Strong as an ox.

He's just, uh,
throwing back beers like this.

Yeah, boy.

Three months later, he was skin and bones.
Stage four carcinoma.

Got his lungs, got his brain.

God, his balls turned black.

sh*t.

After he passed, I went and spread
his ashes at the farm.

And it looked just like I remembered,
nothing had changed,

except one thing.

Cell phone tower.

He'd leased his land.

Not to an American company.

His neighbors had
American ones for years

and never had a problem.

No, this was like some
international conglomerate

who put up foreign-built towers.

Conglomerate was called Broadspan.

Ray, you asked me why I was here?

Simple.

It's to make sure that what happened
to my grandpa

doesn't happen to anybody else ever again.

Boy, I sure k*lled the mood, didn't I?
I didn't mean to do...

[laughs] I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to that. Apologies.

Gonna hit the head.

[country music plays]

- [zipper unzips]
- Not bad for old Miles.

Your grandpa sounds
like he was something else.

Yeah.

You know, he... he was the best.

I will say one nice thing about Broadspan.

We have the resources
to keep our marketing in house.

No need for some outside branding firms
running around doing God knows what.

- Hey.
- [man continues urinating]

Did you know libel
is a criminal offense in this state?

[zips zipper]

[sighs] Crazy, right?

I bet old Mr. Hillston
would be pretty upset

if anyone opened him up
to that kind of litigation.

Such a nice old man,

like your grandpa.

[flushes]

Good luck on that vote.

God.

Ugh.

All right. Here we go.

With the voting closed
and the ballots counted.

The Delaware County planning board hereby
accepts the cellular infrastructure bid

from Hillston Incorporated.

[cheering]

There we go!

That one's for your grandpa! [laughs]

[woman] Thanks for coming down, folks.

Meeting's adjourned. Drive safe now.

Hey, cheer up! We won.

You won all right.

- What's the matter?
- Balls turned black, huh?

Well, gotta remember that one.

Ray.

You left that back at the bar.

Page 35.

There's an article on an old method
of sexing chicks.

From the Japanese.

Sad part is I pegged you
for a pervert and a fool, but not a liar.

Must be getting old.

See you around, big time.

[dark music plays]

[telephone ringing]

[continues ringing]

- [continues ringing]
- [groans]

- Hey.
- [Kaylyn] There you are.

There you are, Kaylyn.

[Kaylyn scoffs]

Is everyone busting out the champagne?

[Kaylyn] Uh-huh. How about
where have you been the past week

and why haven't you returned
everyone's calls?

Pool made me call your landline,

which I'm obviously
not super comfortable with.

Wait. A week?

I thought he just missed the Town Hall?

[Kaylyn] What? Are you drunk again?

And hey, if this is about
our little hookup, don't stress.

I know you're way too old for me anyway.
Daddy issues.

Our hookup?

[Kaylyn] Oh, please.
You weren't that drunk.

I gotta call you back.

Oh, dude! What are you doing to me?

[dialing]

[line trilling]

[New Miles] Hey, it's Miles.
Leave a message.

I'm coming over there, assh*le.

[line trilling]

Pick up. Pick up.

[line trilling]

[dark music plays]

[thuds]

Aah!

[grunts]

[exhales]

Oh.

[shudders]

[sighs]

Oh.

[blood dripping]

[sighs]

Great.

[line trilling]

Come on.

Hey! Why don't you pick up your phone,
you assh*le!

What the...

Hey! Hey!