01x06 - Episode 6

[bunniefuu]

all: Tattoos aren't for everyone.

- But they do help you remember a guy.

- Oh, Helen.

male announcer: Helens agree,

tattoos aren't for everyone.

[laid-back rock music]

♪

-With an average pressure of .--

[suspenseful music plays]

[g*nshots]

[dramatic organ music plays]

-And the Lord--

-And suck in those tummies.

[helicopter rotors whirring]

-♪ Oh, oh, oh

♪ Oh, oh

♪ Oh, oh, oh

♪ Danny got a market from Sam in L.A. ♪

♪

- [flatly] Okay, homeowner, you're being robbed.

- [flatly] Oh, great.

- Where's all your valuables?

Everything's over there on the shelves.

- It's so far.

-Oh, I'm sorry.

- Oh, well.

- Well, I suppose, having wholeheartedly swallowed

the male myths of our culture,

I'll be forced to protect my belongings.

- Don't try to stop me!

- Yeah, right.

Please don't take them.

They're all I have in the world.

- Well, now you've done it.

I'll be forced to respond with v*olence

'cause that's all I know.

- Take that, Ivy League boy.

- Oh, stop. Ow. Ow.

Ow. Stop. Oh, stop.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

- Oh.

- I think I should warn you

that I took a course in self-defense

and I have a move you cannot possibly get past.

- Make it fast.

- All right.

- Hatcha!

- Oh, great.

- Street smarts wins again.

Let the pummeling continue.

- Ow.

Oh, would you stop?

Ow. Stop.

I'm asking you to stop.

Just stop.

- Ow.

Oh, don't call for help.

- Oh, well, you leave me precious little alternative.

- Oh.

- Help. Police.

Bein' robbed.

-Coming!

- Well, now you've driven me into a homicidal frenzy.

- Like I care.

Oh, would you just stop it?

- Oh, why don't you?

- Oh, well, I asked you to stop first.

- Scuse me.

- What, are you gonna debate 'cause you went to college?

- It has got nothing to do with my education.

- Oh, exactly, just 'cause I was educated on the street.

- Freeze!

Police.

- I've got a hostage, copper.

- Then perhaps you'd better get on the other side of him, sir.

- Oh.

- Don't force me to sh**t.

I'm a cr*ck sh*t.

I can take your eye out.

- Do your best.

- Not from here, of course.

[sighs]

That's better!

- Hatcha!

- Great, he got my g*n.

both: Scramble.

- Sir, not the police shirt. Sir, please.

- Oh, really. Would you watch my jacket?

- Oh, so close yet so far.

- I'm trying to get the g*n.

- Sir, yoo-hoo, I'm here, sir.

Here, sir, yoo-hoo.

I grow bored of this. Let's fight mano a mano.

- Fisticuffs?

- Uh-huh.

Give up?

- What choice do I have?

- None.

You have the right to blah, blah, blah.

Sorry about all the noise, sir.

- Oh, that's all right.

- Hey, police brutality.

both: Shut up.

all: Promptness is important.

- I just wish Helen Fournier felt that way.

- Look, here she comes.

announcer: Helens agree,

promptness is important.

[upbeat rock music]

♪

- Okay, well, how is that possible?

How is that possible?

I was guaranteed delivery by today.

W-w-w-w-w-w-w-well, who is in charge

of shipping and receiving down there--who is that?

Okay, hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

Okay, I am writing that name down, all right,

and now I am taking the sheet of paper

and I'm throwing it away.

He no longer works for this company.

Do you understand me?

He no longer works here.

What?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Don't tell him right away.

Don't tell him right away.

No, no, I want you to find out

what school his children go to.

I want you to have them paged and have them told

that their father has been fired.

"Daddy's been fired," do you understand?

That is how I would like him to find out.

Yes, do you understand? Thank you. Thank you.

Steve, I'd like you to pick at random

the name of any employee of this company,

write it down on this sheet of paper,

pass it back to me, and I'll have them fired.

- You're feeling a bit tense, aren't you, Dan?

- Yes, I am feeling just a little bit tense, Steve.

- What do you say we take a little break,

go down to the gym and relax?

- That is a good idea.

[inspiring rock music]

♪

[blows landing]

[both grunting]

- Oh! Oh, my back.

My back.

[groaning]

Oh, yeah.

So what'd you get up to today?

- lashes.

- [wincing] Hey, that's a personal best, isn't it?

- Oh, you bet.

- Congratulations.

- Thanks.

I hope to be up to by next week.

- Don't push too hard.

Remember, the beauty of this is that it's not competitive.

So you feeling better, Dan?

- Oh, much. Thanks, Steve.

- By the way, here's that name you asked for.

- Oh, oh, God, I'd completely forgotten about that.

Mr. Rashford?

Mr. Rashford, you're fired.

[both laugh]

- [laughs]

- No, I'm serious.

Pack your things and be out in half an hour.

[both laughing]

[panting]

- Sorry, sorry.

- It's all right. His face, huh?

[both laughing]

- Sorry.

- Stop it.

[groovy rock music]

♪

- No, you didn't, did you?

Oh, you're kidding.

No, I told you that's the price.

Well, screw ya!

All right, we'll talk to you later, Barney.

Bye.

I started with one truck.

One truck, you know.

But I worked hard, and I saved every cent.

And when I had enough money,

I bought another truck.

My wife drove one, and I drove the other one.

We worked days a year, day and night.

Sure, we were tired, but we delivered.

That's what people remember.

And when we found that we had enough money,

we bought another truck.

And it was about, uh,

oh, five months after that,

we bought another truck.

I had four trucks.

Competition was startin' to notice me.

Some of them tried to screw me!

But I went over; I talked to them like gentlemen,

you know, parley, parley.

And, uh, we got together, and we screwed this other guy.

He went under,

and at the auction, I bought one of his trucks!

Ha!

Ah, times were good, you know?

My wife, she quit drivin'.

We had our first kid-- named a truck after him.

But then that friggin' recession hit.

[chokes up]

I had to sell two trucks.

Some guys wound up truckless!

But me, I worked harder than ever, and I never gave up,

not once.

And when, at last, I bought another truck,

that one was the sweetest truck I ever bought,

ever!

Since then, I put my empire together

one truck at a time.

That's my philosophy: one truck at a time.

You know, the other day, this kid came in to see me.

He was lookin' to buy a used truck.

Normally I would've ripped him off.

But he was , , , something like that,

and it was his first truck.

So I gave him a deal.

Made me smile.

Barney, what's this sh*t on my desk?

No, I know what this is.

[upbeat rock music]

♪

- Hi, Mom.

- Hi, Corey.

How was school?

- Oh, good.

- Good.

Anything special happen?

- No.

- No? Well...

-Mom. - Yeah?

- Something happened after school today.

- Oh, God, I knew it. Are you all right?

- I'm okay, Mom.

But I ran up with a little guy, and he's a long way from home,

so I thought--

- Oh, Corey, you know how I feel about strays.

- Well, the least you can do is meet him.

- No. Corey, there's no discussion here.

What are you do--

Oh, my God.

Not a businessman.

- He comes to the name Mr. Stevenson.

- Mr. Stevenson?

Oh.

Hello.

Thank you.

Scoot. Scoot, scoot!

- So, Mom, I was thinking, do you think it would be

a really good idea, or is it okay--

Mom? - Yes?

- Can I keep Mr. Stevenson?

- Oh...

Corey, sit down. Sit down.

Now, Corey, a businessman is a big responsibility.

You have to fetch his coffee, screen his calls,

change his paper every day.

I'm sorry, a businessman is too big of a responsibility

for a boy your age.

- Mom, I'm willing to put forth the work effort.

- Oh, I think I've heard

that song and dance before, young man.

Remember the short-order cook you brought home?

- He was between things, Mom.

- Kept me up all night making toast.

- He thought he was in a truck stop!

- I'm still making toast soup.

- And I love your toast soup, Mom.

I'm gonna get some right now.

- Corey!

Corey, I said no, and I meant no.

Corey, N-O spells "no"!

- Yes!

Y-E-S spells "yes"!

- Don't you spell back at me, young man!

Oh, you!

- Look at him, Mom!

He's confused!

He's trying to hail a cab!

-Oh, well, well, well,

isn't that cute?

Stop flashing those boardroom eyes at me.

That may work--

Listen, you!

Listen!

That may work with the secretaries back at the office,

but I run a shoe shop!

Lookit, I see right through you.

I told you that the answer is no.

I know exactly what you're all about.

I am a rock, Corey!

I'm unmovable!

- [sniffles]

If I can't keep Mr. Stevenson,

I'm gonna hold my breath until I turn gay.

[inhales]

- Well, I suppose we could fix up

the desk in the spare room.

Oh, come along.

- Yay!

- We've already met.

- Yay! Super Mom! Super Mommy!

Whoo!

That's where Randy Yates lives.

He's my best friend.

Follow me-- Cedar Place Junior High.

[tender guitar music]

♪

[no audible dialogue]

♪

[no audible dialogue]

♪

- Mr. Stevenson, are you okay?

Are you all right?

Here, try something to drink.

That-- Oh, Mr. Stevenson!

Mom?

Mom! Mom!

- [coughing]

- Mom! Mom!

- Yes? Yes?

- Mom!

- Yes? - Mom! Mom!

- What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What is it?

Shh. - Mom!

- Calm down. What is it?

- Mom. - What?

Shh.

- Mom, Mr. Stevenson is sick.

- What?

- He's off his martinis.

I just don't know what--

- Oh, I see.

- You do?

- Oh, how can I explain?

Corey, you like school, don't you?

- Yeah.

- You feel comfortable there?

- Sure.

- Now, how would you feel if your school

was , fathoms below the sea

and your teacher, instead of pretty Miss Maver,

was rather Morda the goat woman

and all you had to eat all day was potatoes and ice?

How would you feel?

- Confused.

- Exactly.

Corey, Mr. Stevenson is a businessman,

and what he needs, you could never give him.

For example, a promotion.

There's no room for advancement here,

and that is death to a businessman.

Now, if you love Mr. Stevenson as much as I know you do,

you'll do the right thing.

- Hugala, hugala, hugala, hugala, hugala, hugala,

hugala, hugala, hugala, hugala, hugala, hugala.

Hmmm. Ooh.

- Ooh.

- Hugala, hugala, hugala, hugala, hugala,

hugala, hugala, hugala, hugala, hugala, hugala,

hugala, hugala, hugala.

[both sniffing]

[both laughing]

Oh, taxi!

- Taxi! - Taxi!

- Taxi! - Taxi!

- Taxi! - Taxi!

- Ooh!

- Hugala, hugala, hugala, hugala, hugala,

hugala, hugala, hugala, hugala, hugala.

Hugala, hugala, hugala, hugala, hugala.

[sniffing]

- [sniffing]

[all laughing]

- Taxi! - Taxi!

- Taxi!

- Taxi! Taxi!

- Taxi. - Taxi.

- Taxi.

- Hugala, hugala, hugala, hugala, hugala.

Hugala, hugala, hugala.

[solemn music]

♪

- Maybe I'll get a job in your company someday.

-Taxi! Taxi!

Taxi!

♪

- Bye, Mr. Stevenson.

♪

[sobbing]

I did it.

I took him back.

- Oh.

Corey?

Today I passed a pet shop,

and I saw the cutest little guy in the window.

- I don't want another pet, Mom.

-Oh?

Well, you'll have to tell him yourself, Corey,

'cause I just don't have the heart.

You know, he really seemed to take to me,

but if you want to take him back,

I guess it's your prerogative.

- Wow!

Cooked oatmeal!

- Yeah.

[chuckles]

He's gonna need a lot of love.

Oh! Look at him.

[giggles]

- [laughs] He likes me, Mom!

- He likes you!

- He likes me!

- Oh!

- Mom?

- Yeah?

- I'll call him Mr. Stevenson .

- That's my boy.

[laughs]

Come on.

[both speaking indistinctly]

♪♪