04x06 - Episode 6

[bunniefuu]

- [singing]

- Hey. - What?

- Can I turn on the radio?

- All right. Turn on the radio.

[lively music]

- [singing along]

Don't you love this?

[laid-back rock music]

*

- Whoo!

[shouting excitedly]

Whoo-hoo-hoo! Ha!

Whee!

Maybe I should explain.

I've become a booster.

I never wanted or expected myself to become a booster,

but there's certain things a gal has no control over,

like aging,

shoe styles,

and if her answering machine is full or not.

[giggling]

Now, around the beginning of spring,

which is still my favorite month

despite the fact that I can't wear yellow,

I was at home watching TV

and playing the food game with myself,

which is: what food would I have

if I could, but I can't, so I won't?

But if I could, what would I eat?

You know, stuff like spareribs,

French fries, and treats of the gods

known as almond bark.

And as I sat there not having food

that I would if I could, but I can't, so-I-won't,

and there they were...

the boys.

The Toronto Blue Jays

sitting in the dugout,

happy, chirpy birds on their sweater.

Big bats.

Spitting, sweating...

big bats.

So I went to a game.

I bought a pennant, a foam cheering hand,

and a blue plastic noisemaker

that made an old man's teeth fall out.

[cheering]

Go, Jays, go!

I had come out of the closet.

I was a booster.

I'd leave work early to go to the game.

People thought I was seeing someone,

but it was the cr*ck of the bat,

the sure pop-up, the hit-and-run

with the left-hander on the mound

that drew me in,

swallowed me,

massaged my feet...

[foreboding music]

Undid my bra.

And all over my body, I felt the thunder.

Go, Jays.

Go, Jays...

Go, Jays, go!

And just as the Blue Jays became my constant...companion,

my favorite of all of them, Kelly Gruber--

you know, blond hair,

dignified Adam's apple,

big bat.

Well, Kelly fell into a slump.

And I understood, because around the same time,

I had fallen into a work slump.

I couldn't type over words a minute

for weeks on end.

I'd go to file something

and accidentally throw it out the window.

So, like Kelly, I tried to get back to basics.

I studied my typing technique

and the home row position.

But no matter how hard I try,

my hands still felt like lead.

And then one day, I came to work,

and I could type ---- words a minute!

I typed like I never typed before.

And that night,

Kelly Gruber hit a solid single.

And I realized that I, too, was a solid single.

And that slumps may come, and slumps may go,

but you know, gals,

you just got to show up and give %.

And now every night I mutter the mantra of the single woman:

"Go, Jays! Go Jays!

Go, Jays, go!"

Good luck with your big bats.

[pounding]

- What are you doing down there?

[pounding]

[smashing]

- Ohh! - Oh, missed!

Missed, missed!

- [groaning]

- Would you just shut up?

- This one's going in for sure.

[pounding]

- You ready? - Yeah.

[slap landing]

- Shut up!

- Yes! - Ah!

- Yes! Yes!

I win. I win.

-Shut up! - Aw, no.

- Shut up, will you?

- Ten, two, ten, two.

- [screaming]

[pounding] - Shh.

I thought I heard the phone, eh?

- Shut up!

[pounding]

- Don't think so.

Yes! - No!

- I won. - Ah!

[rock music]

*

[dog barking, bird cawing ]

[tricycle bell ringing]

[screaming]

[bell ringing]

[door slamming]

- Yoo-hoo?

Yoo-hoo.

Hi.

Can you sharpen an a*?

- Uh-huh.

- Great. How much would that cost?

- bucks.

- Ooh, jeez.

bucks, huh?

What the hell.

The damn thing needs sharpening.

Gosh...

Must be great to have a job that keeps you

outside on a beautiful day like today.

- It's nice...

when the weather is nice.

- Mm, true enough.

[grinding]

In my line, I hardly ever get out.

[loudly] See, I'm an a* m*rder*r,

so I usually work indoors.

You know, privacy and all.

- Uh-huh.

- Yeah.

I mean, a beautiful day like today,

and I'm stuck inside, you know?

Just chopping up this couple.

I mean, a nice young couple.

He's a cable installer, and she's a dentist.

There aren't a lot of women dentists.

I don't know why that is.

Gee, I guess there's one fewer now, huh?

[both chuckling]

[grinding]

Oh, but really, I shouldn't laugh.

It's quite sad.

- That's life.

- Mm-hmm.

- Here you go.

- Oh, you're done. Oh, that was fast.

So that was, uh, $, right?

Ah.

Here, do you have change for a five?

- No.

- You don't have $.

- No.

- No, huh?

- No.

- Okay. Keep the change.

Oh, and by the way,

don't mention this to anyone else, or, uh...

chop, chop.

Well, bye. Thanks. Have a nice day.

[bells ringing]

[dog barking]

[rock music]

*

[doorbell ringing] - Oh.

Okay, Gordon. Don't worry.

I'll get it.

Oh. - Hi, Fran

- Hi, Doreen.

- Fran, could I borrow a cup of salsa?

- Uh...a cup of what?

- You know, salsa.

The spicy dip.

- Oh.

I don't know that I do.

- Salsa for the nachos.

- Oh. "No habla español."

- It's all right, Fran.

I'll see if the Van Keekens have any.

- Okay.

Poor dear.

[yelping] Gordon, please! Jeez.

Oh!

- Fran, I was just thinking.

I'm tired of mustard.

How about some spicy peanut sauce

tonight on my burger?

Thought it might perk it up a bit.

- Peanut sauce for a burger?

- Yes. - [stammers]

You mean peanut butter, silly. Sure.

- No, I don't, Fran. Get with it.

You know, every--

oh, I'd like to stay and fight,

but the game's on.

- Gordon, what...

In the beginning, there was miracle whip,

one kind of cheese, and fish came in sticks.

Red was white,

and milk was h*m*.

Our condiments were mustard, relish, and ketchup.

Our spices were salt, pepper, and paprika.

These were our sacraments.

Garlic was ethnic.

Mysterious.

Something out of "The Arabian Nights."

And then one day, it happened:

food exploded.

People--yeah--people put down their Allen's apple juice

and Shirriff pudding, picked up a bowl of tofu,

slathered it with President's Choice spicy Thai sauce--

yeah--and washed it all down with a mango-guava seltzer.

You know, there are so many new products nowadays,

and I confess, half of them I can't identify.

I guess it's like that with people too.

You know, I can't tell a pita bread from a cactus pear

or a Korean from a Filipino.

I feel left behind. I do.

I'm not modern.

I'm embarrassed to buy water in a bottle

unless it's for the iron.

And I still believe-- call me square,

but I still believe that tangerines

are just for Christmas.

You know what?

I think it all started with marble cheese.

I do. Yup.

Well, think about it,

'cause right after they introduced that,

they came up with salt-and-vinegar chips.

Then it was sour cream and onion,

home-style, and before you knew it,

chips were being sold in a tube.

Where will it all end?

- Hey, Mom. - Hello, Brian.

- Hi.

I won't be eating any dinner.

I'm just gonna go to my room and study.

- Brian, your coat like that.

Really. Jeez, I--Brian!

Get back in here!

- What? - What are these in aid of?

- Oh, those aren't mine. They're a friend's.

I was holding them for a friend whose name

I can't remember because he left the country suddenly.

But I was just holding them as a favor, okay?

- Brian, tell the truth.

- Okay, Mom.

Those were given to me...

by an astronaut.

That's right, Mom.

That is what astronauts eat

when they are away on long space missions.

- A meal in a pill.

- Yes, exactly, Mom. Totally.

- I knew this day was coming.

- I know, Mom.

And they call it progress, Mom.

- Yeah.

Oh, well.

Gordon.

Dinner is on.

- Great. - Yup.

- What's this? - That's your dinner.

- Fran, it's a g*dd*mn bennie.

dr*gs. - What?

[together] Brian! Get back here!

[pounding]

- What are you doing down there?

Shut up!

Shut up!

[ball bouncing]

[indistinct arguing]

- I go first. - Okay.

The guy who's not throwing does the timing.

- Right.

Here's the watch.

- You ready? - Yeah.

[slap landing]

[beeps] - Go.

[ball bouncing]

[pounding] - Hey, shut up!

My baby keeps waking up!

- Wow.

- I can't sleep!

Shut up!

[bouncing stops]

- Time!

- bounces times nine seconds.

points. - Yes! Yes!

- Not so good - Yes.

That's not so good. - Yes.

- I still have to do mine. - Yes!

- Shh!

- Can you just please shut up?

Please, I'm trying to sleep!

- Was that the phone?

- No.

- Okay. - Your turn.

- Yeah.

- Ready? - Yeah.

[slap landing]

[beeps] - Go!

- [wails]

[ball bouncing]

[indistinct shouting]

[rock music]

*

- Here he is, guys.

Here he is.

[cheers and applause]

- Megan, what's going on?

Tom practically tore me out of bed.

- John, this is Laura.

And Laura, this is John.

[giggling]

- Uh, hi.

- Hi.

- What was that for?

- Oh, just in case things work out.

- What do you mean?

- Do you like her?

- Yeah, she seems nice.

Why? - Why?

Happiness, my boy.

Happiness from this day forth.

Come on. - What're you up to?

- Come on. - So talk, you two.

- Just talk. We'll be here.

- So Laura?

- Yes, Laura.

- What is it you do?

- I'm a paralegal.

[laughter]

- Isn't she funny?

- [laughing]

What do you comedians want to drink?

- I'll have a beer. - A beer.

- I'll have a beer.

- Wow. - Oh, wow.

- Did I tell you, or what?

- Did you two get together earlier

and work this out?

- No, we didn't. - Look.

- Hold them up. - Come on.

And save the labels.

- We did.

- It's something couples do.

- Well, we're not a couple. - Yeah.

- Wait till you see the pictures.

- Pass it around.

- Yeah. - Pass it around.

[indistinct chatter]

- Hey, guess where you both were last year at Christmas.

- Greece. - Greece!

- Miami. - Miami!

But weren't you thinking of Greece before Miami?

- For a second, but--

- Whoa-ho!

- And now you're finally together.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

- What do you mean "finally together?"

- Yeah, I mean, she could be anyone.

[crowd oohs]

- Uh-oh. - What?

- First fight.

[laughter]

- How do you feel? - Yeah.

- Fine. We're not fighting.

I hardly know him. - Yeah.

- You just got to work through it.

all: Yeah.

- Work through what? We're not fighting.

- Oh, he's afraid of love.

- What? - You're afraid of love.

- You're like that sometimes.

- I swear to God, Helen,

shut your face.

- You know, the best part about fighting...

is making up.

- Yeah, kiss her.

[crowd cheering]

- Kiss, kiss, kiss.

- What? No.

- Hey, kiss her, Tom. It's all right.

all: Kiss, kiss, kiss!

- Just do it, just do it.

[cheering]

- Do it again.

Kiss!

[cheering]

- Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss!

Kiss, kiss! Come on!

[rock music]

*

[clattering]

- Who's there?

- It's me, Mr. Frellick.

Maria, your cleaning lady.

- Hi, Maria.

- It is cleaning day.

- Oh, right, right, right.

Uh...am I in your way?

- It is cleaning day.

- Okay, Maria.

[vacuum whirring]

[slurping]

[screaming]

- What am I doing? What am I doing?

What am I doing?

What am I doing?

[water running]

- Who's there?

- It's me, Mr. Frellick.

I was feeling a little dirty,

so I took a shower.

I hope you don't mind.

- No, I don't mind.

In fact,

I'm feeling a little dirty myself.

[screaming]

- What am I doing?

I'm happily married.

What am I doing?

I'm not attracted to her.

What am I doing?

I have to fire her.

Maria?

- Yes, Mr. Frellick?

- Well, Maria, um...

this is hard for me to do, um...

but, um...well, um...

will you marry me?

- Yes!

Oh!

[gasping]

[gasping]

- Get your hands off my wife, you bastard!

[whooshing]

- I was just telling her what to clean.

- Oh, no!

- I was just telling her what to--ah!

- I'll do it with my bare hands.

[slurping]

- What am I doing?

I'm happily married.

[pounding]

- What are you doing down there?

[pounding]

[crackling]

[firecrackers popping]

- [whimpering]

You're getting too competitive.

[phone ringing]

[rock music]