04x11 - Episode 11

[bunniefuu]

-And now Alan Bouvier speaks out on what a best friend is.

- I think a best friend

is someone you have an understanding with,

someone you don't feel the need to talk all the time.

I haven't talked to my best friend for three years.

But I saw him the other day.

Hey, Dougie!

And I waved at him.

Suddenly, a car came.

And it hit him.

[tires squealing]

I didn't feel the need to say, "Hey, best friend,

get out of the way of that car!"

He knew I was thinking it.

And now, when they bring him to sit with me,

we just nod knowingly.

[laid-back rock music]

♪

- Why does everything always happen to me?

- Ready the a**l probe.

- a**l probe is ready.

- Commence a**l probing.

- [screaming]

- Quick, erase his memory!

[electric warbling]

- Memory's erased.

- Let's get him out of here.

Move it.

Ah, boy.

- Something wrong?

- Ah, it's nothing really.

- I think you could use a cup of coffee.

- Yeah.

[sighs]

- So what's bothering you?

- Ah, lately I just keep wondering, what's the point?

- The point?

- Yeah.

What's the point of what we do?

- Sorry, I don't follow you.

- Well, I mean, we travel

, light years across the universe...

- Mm-hmm.

- Abduct humans,

probe them anally,

and release them.

- Yeah, and?

- Well, doesn't it seem kind of pointless?

- I really don't think about it.

- Well, don't you think you should?

- No, I don't think I should.

I don't think I should question

the leadership of our Great Leader.

- Oh, come on!

I mean, we've been coming here for years

and performing a**l probes, and all that we have learned

is that one in ten doesn't really seem to mind.

- Well, do you have a better plan than our Great Leader?

- Yes, I do. I do have a better plan.

My plan is that we don't travel , light years,

we don't abduct any humans, and--this is the best part--

we don't do any a**l probing.

- Oh, great plan!

Do you realize how many people

Intergalactic a**l-Probing employs?

- [clears throat]

- Well, back to work.

- [sighs]

Ready the a**l probe.

- a**l probe is ready.

- Commence a**l probing.

- Couldn't we at least abduct

their political or religious leaders

instead of just any idiot in a pickup truck?

- I'm sure the Great Leader has his reasons.

- Well, I'm sure the Great Leader

is just some sort of twisted ass freak!

- All right.

I am now officially ignoring you.

Commence a**l probing.

- Well, that's a relief anyway.

Erase his memory.

[electric warbling]

- Memory is erased.

- Get him out of here.

- Come on, kid. Move it. Move it!

You know what you need?

A hobby.

I know it helps me.

- Yeah?

What do you do?

- Well, I don't like to toot my own horn,

but I'm a pretty good amateur rectal photographer.

Would you like to see my portfolio?

- No. I would hate to.

- Fine. Screw you.

- Well, screw you.

[laid-back rock music]

♪

[phone rings]

- Hi, Ken.

- George, hi.

- Nice day for work, if you have to.

[both laugh]

Remember how we used to say that all the time?

- Yeah, all the time.

Yeah.

Gee, George, you know--

you know, I haven't seen you since you were...

- Let go.

- Yeah. Yeah.

So what are you doing here, George?

- Well, I just came to see how the old workplace

was chugging along without me.

- Chugging along pretty good, George.

Chugging--chugging pretty good, really.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

[sighs]

So what's new with you, George?

- Well, I'm a good worker now.

- Oh, that's terrific. - Yeah.

- That's terrific, George. - Yeah.

- That's really great.

That's good to hear.

So where are you working now, George?

- At home.

I'm practicing for when I get a new job...

or my old job back.

[laughing]

Hey, the old coffee machine.

- Uh-huh.

- Still keep the cups right beside it, eh?

- Yeah, yeah.

- That was my idea.

- Uh-huh.

- [sniffs]

Ah...

[smacks lips]

- Go ahead, George.

- Oh, thanks.

[slurping]

Mmm.

Boy, that takes me back...

in a good way.

[laughs]

Hey, Phyllis.

I'm a good worker now.

I find it helps if you don't come to work drunk.

Oh, she's funny.

[laughing]

- Yeah.

- The old desk, eh?

So how's the new guy working out?

- Great.

- Great.

Great.

Maybe I'll do a little work for old time's sake.

- Uh, George, I don't think you should sit there.

- Well, things are all out of order.

It's not the way I remember things.

- George, I really don't think

you should touch those papers, okay?

I really think you should leave everything

where it was, all right?

- Mr. Anderson, I'll take a cut in pay.

- What the hell is he doing there?

- I don't know.

- Mr. Anderson, I'm a good worker now.

Haven't you heard?

Everybody's saying it. Ask Phyllis.

- Look, we just got this place repainted.

That's it. I'm calling security.

[clacking]

- George, I think you should go now.

- Well, I'd like to, but it seems like I'm stuck, so...

- George.

- Let's see. What's to be done?

Well, I don't usually work with my right hand,

but here we go.

This is here and this is--

- Okay, buddy. Let's go.

- Mr. Anderson, tell them.

Tell them!

You'll be sorry, Mr. Anderson.

Next time I come back, I'll have a g*n!

I'll k*ll you all!

Don't you read the paper?

There's a recession out there.

It's madness.

- Hey, Joss, would you ever have plastic surgery done?

- Oh, yes.

Yes, I've always wanted to have my ears done, you know.

- What? Why?

- Oh, because they're cauliflower.

- No way. - Yes, you didn't you know?

Oh, it's 'cause I always have my hair down, you see.

- No; I thought you wore it like this

'cause it was so pretty on you.

- Oh, no, no. - No?

- If I had normal ears, I would always wear it very short.

- Oh, yeah.

- What about you?

Would you ever, you know...

- Surgery? - Yeah.

- I don't know.

I might have my teeth removed.

- Oh, yes. - Yeah, you know--

- It's good business decision, yes.

- Yeah, you know, keep updating the resume.

- Special skill.

- Yeah, get paid more.

[twangy rock music]

♪

- Two, three, four!

[heavy rock music]

♪

[guitar solo]

♪

- Wow.

- Oh, hi. - Oh, hi.

- Hi.

- Gee, you're on time.

- Yeah, like I always am.

- Yeah, how did postering go?

- Good. Listen.

Who is this playing guitar?

- Oh, this is Tony.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- I got to go, guys. See you later.

- Okay, see you Tony. - See you.

- Oh, it's hot! Hot!

Oh! Ooh!

- Oh, he must've done that.

- Yeah, he plays amazingly fast.

- Yeah, not to mention, well, like,

technically, he's brilliant.

Did you see that one thing that was just like--

- Can we rehearse?

both: Sure.

all: Rod Torfulson's Armada featuring Herman Menderchuck.

- Let it, love it.

One, two, three, four.

- Why was he playing my axe in my band?

- Well, Herman and I thought it might be a good idea

for you to have an understudy.

- Understudy?

- Yeah, in case you got k*lled in a rock crash.

You know, like a ferry mishap getting to a gig.

- Yeah, or if we threw you out.

One, two, three, four.

- Throw me out?

- Rod!

- I'm sorry, Herman. We talked about this.

- You did?

- Yes, I'm a drummer,

and drummer's believe in honesty.

- Okay, that's cool. That's cool.

So what's the lowdown?

Give me the lowdown.

- Well, we want to chuck you out of the band.

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

And, uh, why is that?

- Come on. Are we even getting anywhere?

- Yeah. - Sure, we are!

We don't rehearse outdoors anymore!

- Granted, yeah.

- Okay, but people have said

that the drums are great, that the base is super fine,

but the rest of the band really smells.

- But I'm the rest of the band.

both: Oh yeah. I guess you are.

- Yeah.

- Well then, I guess we should throw you out

for the good of the band.

- Right, sure.

- [sniffling] But--but I write the songs.

- Well, I guess we should throw you out and keep your songs.

- Right, yes.

- You can't do that! They're my songs.

- Hey, no one single part is more important than the band.

You said you said so yourself.

- Yeah, don't be so selfish.

Do you want this band to make it or not?

- Right. - Yes.

- Well then, I guess we should rehearse one last time

before we throw you out for the good of the band.

- Yeah. That sounds fair to me.

Okay, "Bip and Dip."

One, two, three, four.

- What if we compromise?

- What? - How so?

- Well, what if instead of throwing me out the band

and stealing my songs, we stay together eight years

instead of the ten we planned.

- Or...we throw you out of the band,

we steal your songs,

but you can get into any Armada gig for free.

- Yeah, that sounds fair. - Yeah. That's good?

- Impartially, I think so.

- I hear you. I hear you.

What about this compromise?

Instead of throwing me out, you keep me in the band,

and I pay you each a salary to live on

until we start supporting ourselves.

- How would you afford that?

- Yeah?

- I'll get a third job, I guess.

- Okay, how about this as the compromise?

We throw you out of the band, we steal your songs,

but you get to put us on a salary.

- Yeah. - No deal!

- Chilly. - I overreacted a little.

- Yeah, you did. - I overreacted a little.

I'm sorry. yeah, sure.

- Well... - All right.

Just to show we're good guys,

we'll let you put us on a salary for now.

- Okay. - But remember...

both: You owe us!

- All right. Then let's rehearse.

I'll just do everything and pay you for it.

- Okay.

all: Rod Torfulson's Armada

featuring Herman Menderchuck.

both: And introducing the Dudettes.

- The Dudettes?

- Yes, the Dudettes.

Do we have to discuss every little detail to death with you?

- Yeah, is this some sort of dictatorship?

- No. - All right.

Let's rock.

"Buttermilk Sunday."

One, two, three, four.

both: ♪ Whoo, whoo

♪ Whoo, whoo

[rock music]

♪

- Okay, go ahead,

but it's a big responsibility.

- I know. I'm...

I'm just at the point in my life

where I want--I want something to care for.

- Fine, but you won't be able to just think of yourself anymore.

- I know, but I really want it.

- Okay, go ahead.

Buy the cactus.

See if I care.

But you know at least once a month,

you're gonna have to go home and take care of it,

water it.

- [sighs]

Maybe I think about it a little bit more.

- I thought so.

- Maybe I didn't think this through.

- Yeah.

- 'Cause, once a month is, you know.

- I know. - I like to go out.

- Yeah. You got to have a life.

- It's true.

[laid-back rock music]

♪

[bells ringing]

[boy crying]

- Hey, what's wrong, little soldier?

- We lost our dog.

- Oh, no.

Here.

Hey, don't worry.

I'm sure he'll turn up.

Aw, don't be so glum.

[peppy piano music]

♪

♪ Do, a deer, a female deer

- ♪ Re, a drop of golden sun

- ♪ Mi, a name I call myself

- ♪ Fa, a long, long way to run ♪

- ♪ So, a needle pulling thread ♪

both: ♪ La, a note to follow so

both: ♪ Ti, a drink with jam and bread ♪

- ♪ That'll bring us back to - ♪ Do

- ♪ Do - ♪ Do

- ♪ Do

all: ♪ Do, a deer, a female deer

- ♪ Re, a drop of golden sun

- ♪ Mi, a name I call myself

both: ♪ Fa, a long, long way to run

both: ♪ So, a needle pulling thread

all: ♪ La, a note to follow so

- ♪ Ti

all: ♪ A drink with jam and bread

♪ That'll bring us back to

♪ Do, re, mi, fa, so, la, ti, do ♪

- Bruno!

Bruno, you came back!

[cheers and laughter]

- Thanks a lot!

Say, "Thank you!"

Bye. Thanks.

[indistinct chatter]

[rock music]

♪

- Hi.

Just writing a letter to someone in hospital.

You know, it's always kind of hard

to find the right words to say.

You know, somehow,

"How's the weather in hospital?

Sure is nice outside," just doesn't work.

But you got to try, you know.

You got to show your concern.

So here's what I got so far:

[clears throat]

"Dear guy I clotheslined as you went by on your bike,

"You don't know me, but I'm the guy who broke your collarbone.

"Now, I've asked myself over and over,

"why did I clothesline that guy?

"Perhaps I watched too much slapstick as a kid

"and expected you to get up after being violently assaulted.

"Imagine my confusion when you did not.

"Although, I was not so confused that I'd actually hang around.

"In all fairness, it was pretty funny.

"I mean, the last thing you'd expect

"as you were riding merrily by on your bicycle

"is that someone you didn't know at all

"would stick out his arm and crush your throat.

"I mean, you really should have seen it.

"It was just like, wham! Bam!

Anyway..."

"In closing, as you lay there convalescing

"in your hospital bed, I'm forced to wonder,

"'What were you doing riding your bike on the sidewalk

"anyway, huh, you assh*le?'

"Side-walk!

"Maybe sometimes we bring heartache upon ourselves.

"Signed, the guy that collapsed your trachea.

Thanks."

[dinging]

[man grunting]

[dinging]

- Thanks for the really great sex.

- [sighs]

- What's wrong?

- It's just too easy.

- Ah.

You know, you're too hard on yourself.

You're your own worst critic.

- But you know I'm an artist.

- I know. Now, come on.

You try to make me come.

[indistinct chatter]

- I feel like a succulent pig.

- Well, you look like one. - Oh-ho-ho!

- You sure put her back, though.

- Well, you know.

- Well, I should get the coffee.

- Oh, well, we're fine with the coffee we already have.

- So, Nina, can we pour you some coffee?

- Tom, you, you just poured me a coffee.

- Yeah.

- Well, you guys sure seem like you're in a good mood tonight.

- Thank you. - Hey, what's up, guys?

- Bram, if they don't want to tell us they don't have to.

It's none of our business, you know?

- Okay, okay, okay. - No, no. We'll tell you.

- Okay, sure.

- Well, it seems that our oldest son Dennis

has been experimenting with dr*gs.

- What?

- Yep, I found this in Dennis's room.

- Oh, my God! Heroin!

- No, I'm pretty sure it's pot, Nina.

[laughter]

- Oh, yeah, pot.

- Heroin, Nina?

- All right, Bram, let it drop.

- So what did you guys do about it?

- Well, we confiscated it... - Uh-huh.

- We lectured him, and...

- And then we smoked it.

- Frankly, we're high as kites.

- Come on, you guys!

Are you kidding? You smoked it?

You shouldn't be smoking this. You have a mortgage.

- Well, I can smoke a little.

- No, you, Bram, no. Bram, put that down.

Bram put that down. don't light that Bram.

Don't inhale that. Don't inhale that, Bram!

- Mm.

Oh, loosen up, Nina.

Mm, mm.

Have yourself a little tootie toke.

- Oh-no! - Come on!

- No! - Just a little one.

- No! Come on. I mean, come on. No!

Shouldn't one of us stay sober in case they have to

operate a fire extinguisher or something here?

- Come on, Nina!

- Yeah, have some fun. Come on!

- Come on, relax!

- No, I don't even remember the last time I smoked pot.

- I do.

- Oh, don't you dare tell that story.

No, no, no, no, no. No!

All right, I'll have-- I'll have a toke.

- Okay, Nina.

- [coughing]

- You okay, baby?

- It's nice.

- Yep, the boy sure smokes some good pot, don't you think?

- You must be a proud dad.

- Well, you know, you try.

- Oh, Nina, would you like some tea?

- Tea?

Why--why do you want me to have tea?

We're all drinking coffee here.

Why would you want me to have tea?

- No reason; I just know that you like tea.

- Yeah, but I don't understand what you're saying.

We're all drinking coffee; why would you want me to have tea?

- Uh-oh, here she goes again.

- What do you mean go? Go where?

Where am I going? What am I doing?

Am I talking too loud? I'm talking too loud.

That's it, I'm talking too loud. I'm sorry.

I'm talking too loud. Is that it?

- No, you're fine, Nina. You're--

- You sure? - You're fine. Relax.

- Okay. Yeah? Okay. - Mm-hmm.

- I love this music.

- What music?

- Well--oh, my God.

It's started. Okay. Listen.

I think I should go home before it gets worse.

I'll be fine.

Thank you very much for dinner. It was really good.

Ahh!

- Hey, Mrs. Flinniack.

- Oh, hello, Dennis.

Oh, God, Bram. He knows. He knows.

I can see it in his eyes.

- So?

- Hey there, Dennis, what's up?

- Yeah. Dad, listen.

I've been thinking about what I've done, and well,

I was--I'd really like my pot back.

- [laughs]

- I'm afraid not, Dennis.

Your mother and I are just a little bit worried

that it might have been sprayed with something and--

- Sprayed with something?

- Yeah, so, we're just going to run a few...

- Tests!

- Tests, and after that, we'll--

- Yeah, right dad. - Good.

Good son, good boy.

- Tom? Tom? Sprayed? Sprayed with what?

Not a depilatory?

Oh, God, Bram. Is my hair falling out?

Ow! My hair is falling out!

- Oh, geez. I'm sorry guys.

There she goes again.

I have to make a call. Do you mind?

- No, no. Go ahead. - Okay.

[tapping]

Hello, police? Yeah.

I'd like to report a nude woman

at the -Eleven in about minutes.

Okay, great.

And I'd like to order a pizza.

Oh, yeah. I'll call direct.

[laid-back rock music]

♪