04x14 - Episode 14

[bunniefuu]

- Mr. Lucic, do you still maintain that your actions

concerning flight were somehow justified?

- What would you have done?

None of you can understand because none of you were there!

You don't think about what's right and wrong

when you're just trying to survive.

Right and wrong, those are just words.

They don't mean anything when you look around you

and all you can see is death

and all you can feel is the hunger.

What would you have done?

- We're not talking about a plane crash

in the Andes here, sir.

You never got off the runway.

We are talking about a delay.

You are the sole survivor of a -minute delay.

- minutes I will never forget!

- You ate of your fellow passengers.

You could have eaten just one, but, no,

you ate a little bit of each passenger.

Why?

- Your Honor,

I am not an experienced cannibal.

I did not get on that plane expecting to eat anyone.

I simply tasted a little of each,

in hopes that the next one would taste better.

I'm sure Your Honor has done the same thing

with a box of chocolates.

- No, I haven't.

My wife does, and I hate it when she does it.

- Oh.

- I suppose I wouldn't mind so much if I still loved her.

But let's face it.

[sobbing] I need some time to myself.

[crying]

Case dismissed.

[laid-back rock music]

♪

["O Christmas Tree" playing]

[gentle orchestral music]

- Merry Christmas, Babs.

- Wonder what it is. [gasps]

Diamonds. Thank you, sweetie. - Yeah.

[both smooch]

- I should have given those to you years ago.

- What, when I was seven? - Yeah.

- Oh, honey.

- [smooches] - [grunting]

- Someone's breaking in!

- Well, just don't sit there. Get the club!

- Ooh, ho, ho, ho, ho!

Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, hello.

Ho, ho, merry Christmas!

- No!

[thump] - Oh!

Who hit Santa Claus?

Whoa, ho, ho, ho, don't be scared of me, young man.

[chuckling] I'm Santa Claus.

- Santa Claus?

- Yes, and I've brought presents.

[chuckling]

Sit down! Sit down.

[chuckling]

Oh, now, let's see. Who do we have here?

Mm?

[chuckling]

Ooh, ooh, Charles and Barbara,

a nice married couple.

Five years married! - Thank you.

- Congratulations! - Thank you.

- So how many children am I leaving presents for, hmm?

- Santa? - What?

- We don't have any children.

- No children? - No.

- That's ridiculous.

- I'm sorry, Santa, but we don't have any children.

- Oh, I understand. Come on, scooch over.

Come on now. All right. All right.

Listen very carefully, because I only have a minute.

Little boys have a doo-doo, and little girls have a hoo-hah.

And in the spring-- - Look, Santa.

We know how to make children. - Jeez.

- Oh, good, then what say you make some children?

- Stop it, Santa. Santa, please!

We don't know if we want to be parents.

- What?

- We both come from dysfunctional families--

- Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Your lips are flapping, but you're making no sense.

All you need to know is that children are wonderful.

They are!

Why, I have several of them myself.

And each time one of them calls me Daddy,

a little part of me just melts; it does.

Now, that might sound like a cliché, but it's not.

- Santa, that isn't the problem.

- Oh, so there is a problem.

All right, Charles, come sit on Santa's knee.

- No, I-- - No, come on.

- I'd rather not. - Come on and sit on my knee.

- Ugh!

- Have a seat there, little boy.

How are you? Okay.

Now, tell me,

does your doo-doo not stand up when your wife's hoo-hah--

- Jeez! Santa Claus!

- There's nothing wrong with my husband's penis!

- Oh, ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

- I'm sorry, Santa, but we don't want any children,

so screw you and the deer you rode in on!

Take your presents and leave.

- All right, then, I'll take my presents and leave.

But--but tell me this.

if you don't have any children,

who will play with the other people's children, huh?

No one's children?

Sounds like a pretty sad party to me.

- Santa, you're ruining Christmas.

- So what say you have some children?

- Get out! - Oh! Oh!

[whimpering] - Go.

- Sad Christmas!

Sad Christmas!

What a sad...

- What's wrong, honey?

- Maybe Santa isn't so crazy.

- [sighs]

["O Christmas Tree" playing]

[gentle orchestral music]

- So that's how I came to be born?

- Yes. Isn't that neat?

- And then my parents sold me?

- Well, you came with the house. - Yes.

We got you and the house all on the same day.

- I love you.

- And we're learning to love you too.

- Thank you, Santa.

[bells jingling] - [chuckling]

[laid-back rock music]

♪

- Hi.

A few months ago, we announced an exciting contest--

the Spot Bellini contest.

What you had to do was draw a picture

of where you saw Bellini in our skit show.

[drumroll]

[cymbal crashes]

There it was.

Thousands entered, but only one can win,

sort of like the sperm going upstream

in attempt to fertilize the egg.

Enough about me.

What the winner got was to have breakfast with Bellini

at his or her local airport,

and we documented this with a still camera.

Now, to enhance the presentation,

we're using Bellini's favorite music,

which is, of course, improvisational xylophone music.

[note dings]

And now the exciting conclusion.

[upbeat xylophone music]

There he is-- Bellini.

Bellini wings into our winner city,

our nation's capital, Ottawa.

- Whoo!

- As Bellini travels through the air,

he contemplates the winner and what he must look like.

[airplane engine roaring]

Bellini arrives and is greeted by one of Canada's finest.

[horse whinnying]

"You're coming with me," jokes the Mountie.

"Seriously, sir, it's a pleasure."

And before you know it, Bellini meets the winner.

"Let's eat," urges the winner.

"Not so fast," motions Bellini.

"We've forgotten one thing."

[water splashing]

"There's my prize," says the winner.

"There's my all-Canadian breakfast

"and fish for Bellini,

'cause I know that's all he eats."

"Not so fast," urges the airport chef,

and the fish is deboned.

They dig in.

[chewing and gulping]

The meal is a cult success, much like our show.

Suddenly, a tense moment...

[tense xylophone music]

An argument over table manners.

♪

"Oh, I see your point," says the contest winner.

And they laugh uproariously,

like two children drunk on Dad's beer.

But all good things must come to an end.

See, although Bellini understands many languages,

the one word he has trouble with is

"good-bye."

[melancholy xylophone music]

[upbeat xylophone music]

"Good-bye, Bellini," said the contest winner.

"Every time I see a man in a towel at the airport

"eating fish, I'll think of you.

"Good-bye, Bellini.

Bye, Bellini!"

♪

"Bye!

"I'll never forget you,"

says the contest winner.

♪

[relaxed rock music]

♪

[phone ringing]

- Hello?

- Oh, hi. Is Frank there?

- Oh, no, I'm sorry. You must have the wrong number.

- Oh! Oh, jeez.

Is this -?

- No, this is -.

- Oh, gee. Gee.

I find that hard to believe.

You see, I never make a mistake with numbers,

so I'm forced to assume that you're lying.

Put Frank on!

- Look, there's no Frank here. Good-bye.

[phone ringing]

- Look, buddy, you better put Frank on the phone

right now, okay?

- Look, there's no Frank here, all right?

- Listen, what you're selling, I ain't buying,

so put Frank on the phone right now,

or I'm gonna--

[phone slams]

[phone ringing]

- Hello? - Listen, Sunny Jim!

If you don't put Frank on the phone right now,

I am going to call the cops.

In fact, I am dialing the police right now

as we speak.

- Oh, yeah? Tell me something. - Hmm?

- If you're dialing the police,

how can you still be talking to me?

[phone slams]

[phone clicks]

[phone ringing]

- Okay, you want to know how I can

be talking to you and dialing the police?

Well, I'll tell you.

I've got two phones.

That's right, pal. You're dealing with

Steve "Two Phones" Mackabee!

So if you have k*lled Frank, then just--

just tell me what you did with his body, man.

[sobbing]

- Just a second. I'll see if Frank

can come to the phone.

Frank, there's a call for you!

[squeakily] I'm in the shower!

Could you take a message?

[in normal voice] Frank's in the shower;

Can I take a message?

- Not good enough. I'm still dialing.

- Still? - Yeah.

It's long distance.

Yeah, you don't know the meaning of hell

till you've dealt with the Tokyo police, pal.

- Look, Frank, he really wants to talk to you.

[squeakily] Okay, just let me

get out of the shower and dry myself.

♪ I'm drying myself, drying myself ♪

I'm at the top of the stairs.

♪ Doo, doo-doo, doo-doo ♪

Hey!

Who put that roller skate on the--

Ahh! Boom!

My back! My back!

I'm pretty sore. Could he call back later?

[in normal voice] Frank is pretty hurt.

Could he call back later? - Put Frank on the phone!

- He's really set on talking to you, Frank.

[squeakily] Okay, coming.

♪ Dooby-dooby-doo

Frank's the name. Don't wear it out.

- Well, it sounds like Frank's voice,

but I'll tell you what.

I'll ask you a question that only the real Frank

could know the answer to.

In high school, was I a popular kid

or unpopular?

- [squeakily] Um, I'd have to say unpopular.

- Frank, you're not dead!

How the hell could you take Bonnie from me,

you bastard?

- [squeakily] Well, maybe you should have spent more time

worrying about her needs.

- Look, Frank, I don't need to take this from you!

I'm going to k*ll you, Frank, you hear me?

You're a dead man, Frank!

A dead man!

[phone slams]

- Who you talking to?

- Oh, just a wrong number.

- Could have sworn I heard Frank's voice.

- [screaming]

[eerie rock music]

♪

- [laughing]

- [murmurs indistinctly]

- You know, Tammy,

I think you do really great songs.

Hey, here's my business card

with my work number on it.

Hmm? There you go,

you know, in case you have any questions, any problems,

or, you know, you just want to...talk.

- Right.

- So did you, uh, get the roses?

- Roses? - Yeah, the roses.

- Why would you send me roses?

- Well, as a token of my appreciation for you,

you know, in case you wanted to get together

late one night to...talk?

You know, roses.

Huh? Eh? [grunting]

- Stop.

[pop rock music]

♪ Do I want love?

♪ Of course I do

♪ But do you think I'm so dumb ♪

♪ That I'd go out with you?

♪

- ♪ Mm-hmm, yeah

♪

- ♪ Nah, nah

No, no ♪

♪ Ne-eh-ever

♪ I'm, I'm

♪ No-ot

♪ Go-on-na spread

♪ I'm not gonna spread for no roses ♪

[squishing]

♪ I'm not gonna spread for you, you gross, old man ♪

♪ Your aftershave reeks

♪ You buy your tan

- She's not gonna peel for no buds, bud.

♪

- ♪ Nah, nah

♪ No, no

♪ Ne-eh-ever

♪ I'm, I'm

♪ No-ot

♪ Go-on-na spread

♪ I'm not gonna spread for no roses ♪

[splurt]

♪ I'm not gonna spread for you, you gross, old man ♪

♪ Your aftershave reeks

♪ You buy your tan

- This girl don't put out for no foliage, friend.

♪

- Call me...soon.

- My wife will be out of town for minutes.

Let's get together and...talk.

- Hey, there's lots of bad guys out there.

I can point them out to you.

- I run a charity. We collect panties.

- [echoing] Talk.

♪

Talk...

[echoing] Talk...

soon.

♪

Talk, talk...

[distorted] Soon.

[echoing] Talk...

[distorted] Soon.

- ♪ Joan of Arc never did

[eerie musical flourish]

♪ Laura Secord never did

[organ flourish]

♪ Gloria Steinem did once

♪ But then she felt sad

♪ I'm not gonna spread for no roses ♪

- ♪ Better dead than spread

- ♪ I'm not gonna spread for no roses ♪

- ♪ Better dead than spread

- ♪ I'm not gonna spread for no roses ♪

- ♪ Better dead than spread

- ♪ I'm not gonna open my legs for roses ♪

- ♪ Better dead than spread

- ♪ Do you want love?

♪ Of course you do

♪ But if you want love

♪ Shouldn't it be your wife you talk to? ♪

So what do you think?

- I like the new video.

- Tastefully done. Tasteful use of crotch sh*ts.

- Class act. Hmm.

- I'd better call my wife. - Me too.

- Me too.

[laid-back rock music]

♪

[gentle classical music]

♪

- Enjoy.

♪

- [sighs] Thanks, Bryce.

I just want everything to be right

for when my old girlfriend and her new boyfriend

come over tonight.

- Sure, Cal. I know what you mean.

- Also, I was wondering if I could, um,

ask another favor of you.

- Another favor?

- Yeah, I was wondering if I could borrow your art.

- [clearing throat] My art?

- Yeah, I just really want to impress her.

♪

- Sure.

♪

But get it back to me as soon as possible, all right?

- Yeah, yeah. Sure, Gabe.

- My...art.

[digeridoo flourish]

- Well, I've been pretty busy,

what with my...work.

- I didn't realized you'd become so successful.

- Well, you know.

- Those are really nice paintings.

- Paintings? Oh.

[laughing]

You mean my art.

- I didn't know you collected art.

- Yes, it's one of my many passions in life.

[opera music]

♪

[car engine revving]

♪

- My art.

- Hey, the art was a hit.

- I'll help. - Thanks, buddy.

[digeridoo flourish]

[phone ringing]

Mm-hmm.

Hello. Oh, hi, Sharon.

Oh, you forgot your purse.

Okay, yeah, sure. See you in a half hour.

Yeah, right, purse.

I know what she wants.

The tide turned my way the second she saw my art.

My art!

[tires screech]

[didgeridoo music]

♪

[knocking]

♪

[doors rattle]

♪

[glass shattering]

♪

[panting]

Sharon, hi.

Come on in.

- Where's my purse?

- It's over here by my art.

So... - Can I have my purse?

- Yes, of course.

Now, would you like a libation, or--

- Bye.

[somber orchestral music]

- My art!

[sobbing]

[gasping] You just enjoy its...

[gasps]

♪

- Could you be more specific?

- I just came home,

and the door was blown apart.

[glass crunching]

My art!

Where did you find it?

[stirring orchestral music]

- Well, I was driving around at : a.m.,

as is my wont,

when I noticed two kids with your art.

And, well, I got it from them.

Unfortunately, they got away.

- What did these two kids look like?

- One was fat,

and one was thin

with funny hair.

- [snorting and sobbing]

[whispers] Excuse me.

- True story.

[whimsical music]

♪

[laid-back rock music]

♪