04x15 - Episode 15

[bunniefuu]

- Hm. Uh, you--you like it?

Hm. I wasn't sure about it.

I think it's okay. You think so?

Oh, hon, uh-- that's the new guy

I was telling you about.

Do you mind if I call him over?

I don't think he knows anybody here.

- Sure. - Okay--uh, Nathan?

- Hi. - Hi, Nathan, how you doing?

Why--come on over.

Come on over.

- Uh, Betty, this is Nathan.

Nathan, this is my wife, Betty. - Hello.

- And a heaven-o to you.

- Pardon me? - I'd say hello.

But it just does it seem like it would be enough.

- Well.

That's a nice thing to say, isn't it, hon?

Yeah. - Yeah.

- Um, Nathan here was just hired to take over--

- That's beautiful cologne you're wearing.

I wonder if anyone else here smells what I'm thinking.

[both laugh]

- Yeah. This--this is my wife, Betty.

- And if I knew you were coming,

I would've washed my good pajamas.

- I think I mentioned that I was coming

with my wife, Betty, didn't I?

Didn't I tell you about that?

- You know, you look all puckered out.

Could I get you a kiss?

- Wife.

- Are my pants shrinking or am I just--

- Wife!

- Listen, do you have a twin sister

that could watch us have sex?

- Wife.

Come on, come on. Wife!

- It so hard to make friends when you're the new guy.

[laid-back rock music]

♪

- Now, there's a lot of, uh, very technical terms

we could use to describe what we're gonna do to you today.

But simply put, what we're gonna do is,

we're gonna open you up

and, uh, fix what's wrong,

and then put you back together.

- That's just terrific.

- Yeah.

Although I can't seem to put this back together.

Because I--ah, I seem to have broken it,

but you get the general idea, right?

- Yeah, I think I do, doc.

[phone ringing]

- Oh, just a sec.

Hello?

Uh, no, sorry.

My name isn't Dad.

You must have the wrong number.

- Oh, no, no! That's, uh, probably my son.

- Oh, do you want me to get rid of him?

- No, no. I'll talk to him.

- Oh, sure, okay.

I'll come back in a couple of minutes.

- Hi.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, Dad.

- Ho, ho, ho, uh, Son.

- Hey.

So, today's the big game, huh?

How's, uh, champ holding up, huh?

- Uh, pretty good.

Uh, kickoff's in about an hour,

I was just through the game plan with, uh, coach.

- Oh yeah? What did coach say?

- Well, uh, we're going the whole nine yards

on this one, Son. - Oh, yeah?

- We're going to get in there and, uh, fight, fight, fight.

And hopefully healthwise, we'll end up on top.

- I'm sure we will, Dad. I'm sure we will.

Dad, can I put you on hold?

- Sure.

- Uh, could you hold that a little higher, please?

- Oh, sorry. - Yeah.

Thank you.

Dad, I love you.

- Right. - Thanks.

- You sure you don't want your mother to do this?

- Oh, no, I can do this.

How hard can this be?

- Hi, Dad, I'm back. - Hi.

- Hey, hey.

You know, Dad, sometimes I--

- Uh, hold it, Son.

I think someone's here.

- Oh, okay, sure. - Yeah?

- I'm here to shave your privates.

- Well, you got to do what you got to do.

- Yeah.

But first I got to shave your privates.

- Just a little pregame prep there, Son.

- Yeah. Yeah, sure, Dad.

You know, I just wanted to call today because--

uh, because, you know,

you and I don't talk about these things very much,

I guess, and--

- Wuh-oh. - Yeah.

I just wanted to make it official

that I have certain feelings--

- That's great, but hold--hold it, Son.

The-the doctor's here.

- Let's just have a look at how we're doing here.

Hmm.

Get out, get out, get out, get out.

Tell you what.

Uh, I'll come back in a couple of minutes,

we'll give you a sh*t, and then we'll--

uh, we'll get cracking, what do you say?

- Okay. - Okay.

- Sorry about that, Son. But listen, I got to get going.

- Yeah, yeah, Dad, I know you got to get going,

but there's something important I want to tell you, Dad--

- Ah, you--you don't have to tell me, Son.

- No, Dad, I really--

I really have to tell you this.

- No, you don't have to, Son.

- No, no, I don't have to. I want to tell you this.

- Well, I don't want you to, Son.

- Well, I want to.

- Well, why don't you shut up, Son?

- Uh, tell you what, Dad, here she goes.

- Why don't you shut your cake hole, Son?

- God dammit Dad, you're going to hear this,

I love--

The old bastard hung up on me.

- Love?

He could be talking about just about anyone.

Okay, let's--uh, let's play a little ball, eh?

[phone ringing]

- Hello?

I love you too.

No, I'm the guy who shaved his privates.

- Wow, what a great puck.

- Yeah.

I was, uh, working the hockey game the other night.

- Lucky you, you caught a puck.

- Well, no, actually this, uh, guy in the stands caught it.

But I, uh, confiscated it because he was, uh,

disturbing the other fans.

Well, he was.

What?

- I can't believe it I mean,

we--we both like, you know, the same bands

and we both like the same comics and the same movies,

and--

I'm really glad I ran into you at that party last week.

- [sighs deeply]

Look, Michelle.

Our first date is going well.

I like you; I think you like me.

I feel it's time I clear the air.

I'm a junkie.

- Pardon me?

- I'm a junkie.

I think it's only fair that I'm honest up front,

and tell you these things right now.

- Not a heroin junkie?

- Yep.

Heroin, smack, horse, brown sugar.

Call it what you will.

- Well, this comes as quite a shock.

I don't know what to say.

- Michelle, I honestly feel that we have a future together,

so I got to tell you a couple of things.

A, heroin will always be number one,

and therefore, you will always be number two.

B, anything you bring into the relationship

such as walkmans, TVs, and the like,

will be sold for heroin.

And last, but not certainly least,

I have the tendency to sleep in the corner

in the fetal position, covered in my own puke.

Now, having said all that,

I think it's time I tell you the bad news.

- The bad news?

- Yes.

There's another woman: Tracy.

We've seen each other on and off

for the past seven years,

and we've broken up times now.

And every time I do break up with her,

I have a pattern of seeing another woman--

For about two months, then I go back to Tracy.

But this time I honestly feel that we've broken up for good,

and I will never see her again.

But please understand, I've said this times,

and I always go back to her anyway.

- I see.

- Well, the heroin's in your court--ball!

I mean, the ball's in your court.

You know, Michelle, I look at you,

and I think you're beautiful.

Then my mind wanders to Tracy.

Tracy and smack.

No, smack, then Tracy.

- Well, uh...

I think I should go, because I don't see how

this could possibly ever work out, okay?

- Understood.

Hey, I gave it my best sh*t.

Oh, could I borrow $?

- What? No!

- $?

Okay, bye!

[sighs]

[coin clatters, bell dings]

[buttons beeping]

Hi, Tracy?

I want you back, baby!

Yeah, I'm still a junkie, are you still a bitch?

I want you back, baby!

Could I borrow $?

I want you back, baby!

Smack.

- Excuse me.

Is this seat taken?

- Uh, no. - May I, uh--

Thank you. Thank you.

- Was there something wrong with your seat--

- Would you mind your own beeswax?

Pretend we're talking. - What?

- Actually, Walt Disney was a n*zi, apparently.

- What the hell are you doing?

- Pardon me?

- The game's over, Howard.

You're coming with me.

- Howard? Howard?

Oh, I see.

You've obviously mistaken me

for someone who looks just like me.

Well, my name isn't Howard, Roy.

My name is, uh, Bruce.

That's right, Bruce.

- Bruce Springsteen?

- No, Bruce Springsteen is famous.

My name is Bruce... Randolph.

Bruce Randolph Hearst.

- Captain?

- Yes--damn!

- I think I speak for the whole flight crew

when I say we'd feel a lot better with you up there?

- Okay, fine.

What's the use, we're all going to die anyway.

- Uh, no, we're not.

Uh, don't panic. I--I fixed it.

- What do you mean, you fixed it?

It was hanging off like this.

- No, I rewired the whole panel.

Now, if you got nothing better to do,

maybe you'd like to come, uh, land the plane for us?

- Fine, but I can't land the plane without my hat.

I need my captain's hat, where is my hat?

- It's in the cockpit.

- Okay, fine. - Okay.

- Don't patronize me.

[bell dings]

This is your captain speaking.

We'll be landing in Toronto in about five minutes.

Hey, I thought you said this was fixed.

- It was fixed, but you did the same damn thing again.

It doesn't move this way, it just moves this way.

- Oh, like this? - Yeah.

Now on hand to your right there--

- Hey, I found my hat!

- Boy, you're getting a little shaggy there.

- Yeah, I'm--uh, I'm letting it grow out, you know?

- What?

- Well, you never can tell when they're going

to call you up to go undercover.

- Oh, oh, oh.

- Hey, hey, amigo.

You got any, uh, good stuff for me today?

- I got some weed in my boogie van.

- You're kidding, right?

- Yeah.

- Okay, good.

It's pretty good. Maybe I'll take you with me.

- [guffaws]

[laughter]

- Hey!

Hey, little rollerblader, are you okay?

- Yeah. Those guys knocked me down?

- Oh. - Thanks.

- Damn joggers.

They think they own these paths.

- Yeah.

- Hey, why don't you sit down and do up your skates properly?

- Okay, thanks.

- So,

how long you been rollerblading?

- About five hours.

- That's what I figured, five, five and a half.

- Hey, when you first started rollerblading,

did you used to like, like--

Fall down a lot? - Fall down a lot?

- Yeah? - Yes, I did.

- Me too.

What'd you do before you started rollerblading?

- Nothing.

It took rollerblading for me to realize I was doing nothing.

- Wow.

- Do you like my T-shirt?

- "Ask me about rollerblading races."

Yeah, it's great.

Oh, did you do rollerblading races?

- Good question, yeah.

I did a couple of seasons of those races, yeah.

- Yeah?

- But then it got too commercial.

- Oh.

- Now I like to go to this rollerblading retreat.

- Wow, a retreat. Where?

- Out in the desert. - Yeah?

- Yeah, they got a pool, mud baths, massage,

and, of course,

some of the finest in-line skating I've ever done.

- Wow, sounds cool.

- Oh, it is.

- Last time I was there,

I went blading down this canyon trail.

It was just so beautiful, I had to cry out,

"I'm rollerblading," and--

How old are you?

- -ish? - It came echoing back.

"I'm rollerblading, I'm rollerblading,

I'm rollerblading."

- Oh, God, I love echoes.

- I thought you might.

What's your name?

- Melanie.

- Melanie.

- What's your name?

- Gunter.

- Gunter?

- I changed it when I got into rollerblading.

- What was your name before you started rollerblading?

- Maybe one day, Melanie.

- Yeah?

- Hey, will you guys stop talking about rollerblading?

- Why, are you afraid you're missing out on something?

- Yes.

- There but for the grace of God go I.

- Oh, God, that's so true.

- Yeah.

So where you headed?

- I haven't decided yet?

Would you like to try out that hill on Fourth Street?

Oh, no way. Too scary.

- Don't worry.

I'll hold you.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

- ♪ Each day that you rollerblade ♪

♪ Is your Valentine's

♪ Day

[Melanie thuds]

[light music]

♪

[distant thudding]

[steam hissing]

- Sausages.

[sizzling]

[water dripping]

[sizzling]

[water dripping]

Where's the syrup?

[panting]

We're almost out of sausages.

I need more sausages.

- I'll try.

- I like sausages.

[rhythmic clicking]

[whistle blows distantly]

[wheels squeaking]

[metallic creaking]

[meat splattering]

[distant thudding]

[brooding atmospheric music]

♪

[conveyor belt creaking]

[sausage splats]

[steam hisses]

♪

[wheels squeaking]

[brooding music continues]

♪

- Todd!

- Hmm?

- You heard me.

I said keep your eyes on the sausages.

[boxes clattering, wheels squeaking]

[water dripping]

- [gasps]

[clock chiming, bird chirping rhythmically]

- Sausage.

Sausages.

[panting]

[distant thudding]

[whistle blows]

- Hey.

You know what happens when we find sausages

down a person's pants, don't you?

- No.

- We keep the sausages, and you're fired.

Get out of here.

Next.

Wait.

I'll do this one.

[jaunty circus music]

♪

[steam hisses]

She's clean.

Okay, come on.

- [grunting]

Sausages!

[brooding music resumes]

[rhythmic clicking]

♪

Sausages.

Sausages.

Sausages!

Sausages!

[brooding music continues]

[clicking fades]

♪

[buzzer rings]

Where are the sausages?

Where are the sausages?

You said you'd bring me sausages.

I don't see no sausages.

I want sausages!

Sausages are good!

Sausages are good.

We are all sausages.

I want sausages!

I like sausages.

I like sausages.

I want sausages.

[brooding music resumes]

♪

Sausages!

Sausages.

Sausages.