04x18 - Episode 18

[bunniefuu]

- Excuse me. - Hi, there.

- Are you a tr*nsv*stite?

- No, I'm not.

I'm a real woman.

- Could you pretend you're really a man?

- No!

- I could.

- No, you couldn't.

- Hey! [scoffs]

- Oh, you cause such trouble.

Maudre.

[laid-back rock music]

*

[cheers and applause]

- [singing along to "Eine kleine Nachtmusik"]

*

Isn't this great?

- It's very nice, Darill.

- Thank you.

Now, pay attention here. And...

[singing]

Piccolos, eh? You hear them? Yeah.

* Bom, bom

How do you like my conducting?

- It's not bad.

- Yeah, you know, I think I'm pretty good.

- Maybe I should leave you two alone.

- Nonsense. You'll miss the excellent finish.

And here it comes. And oboes and...

[song ends] Ha ha!

Oh!

Isn't that absolutely fantastic?

- Yes, it was quite nice.

Uh, who wrote it?

- That was Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.

- Ah.

It's quite nice. - Yes.

You know, you remind me of him.

- Thank you.

- And you know what else?

It's coming up on his nd anniversary soon.

- I guess you're excited about that?

- Oh, now, come on. You are too.

Don't deny it.

- Yes, I'm very excited.

- I'm sure you are.

Maybe we'll spend that evening together, hmm?

- Maybe. - Oh, good.

Ah, Mozart, Mozart, Mozart.

Ah, he was a fascinating man, wasn't he?

A man of so many dimensions.

Do you know that in addition to music,

he also wrote great letters and he played pool

and he fished?

In fact, I had a distant cousin that owned a fishing lure

that we all agreed might have belonged to him.

- So I guess you'd like to spend the whole evening

with Mozart?

- An evening with Mozart.

Yes!

Oh, my God, I've thought about that so many times,

what we would do.

You know, I would-- he would come in and sit down,

and I would help him write out his sheet music,

and then we'd go down and I'd hold his net

while he hauled a battling fish out of the river.

And by the end of the evening, I'd be his best friend.

Oh, I'd love to spend an evening with Mozart.

- It's too bad he's dead, isn't it?

- Yes, well, we might meet yet.

There's always time travel.

So shall we move on to the middle symphonies?

- Darill? - Hmm?

- Are we going to listen to music all night?

- Yes, we are. It's a party!

Oh. Wait a minute.

- What is it?

- Well, this first symphony we're going to listen to

is very personal to me.

Would you mind waiting in the other room?

- That's just what I was thinking.

- Oh, good. It'll be about five minutes.

Okay.

Wait, that's-- that's not the other room!

That's the front door.

Ah, well, she'll figure it out.

[classical music pays]

*

Mama?

- You okay?

Hey, Jocelyn,

what movie star you think you are

when you're working?

- Catherine Deneuve.

- Oh.

- And you?

- Linda Lavin.

- Who?

- TV's Alice.

- Oh, I love that show with the sexy Mel.

Oh, oh, but, you know, in Quebec,

the actor who dubbed Mel's voice is very ----.

- Aw.

- Sad, is it?

- Dubbing sucks.

- Yes, but so do we.

[both laugh]

- Yeah!

- If we ever get a freaking chance to do it.

[cheerful music]

*

- Hon? Hon?

Marissa, are you home?

- You're home early. What's up?

- Come on outside. I've got a surprise for you.

- A surprise? - Yes, cover your eyes.

Cover your eyes. Can you see?

- No. - Come on.

- No, I can't see. - Keep 'em covered.

Keep your eyes closed, hon.

- Ooh!

- This way, hon.

It's over this way. Come on.

It's just down here.

Okay, there.

What do you think?

It's ours.

I bought it.

I quit the law firm.

- You quit?

You were up for partnership.

- Oh, sure, a partnership.

But then what?

Can't you see what a dead end that job was?

You know, hon,

I've never told this to anyone before,

but when I was a kid,

I always wanted to be a fireman.

- Everyone wants to be a firemen when they're a kid.

- Yeah, but they never do anything about it.

- Yes, they do.

They grow up and join the fire department.

- [sighs]

- All right.

How did you pay for it?

- Well, I used our savings.

And I mortgaged the house.

This is a fireman's carry, hon.

Pretty good, huh?

[sighs]

Hon?

I've been thinking.

I think it would be a great idea

if I was to cut a hole in the bedroom floor

and if I got a pole--

- No, not a chance. Forget it.

[alarm ringing]

[ringing continues]

[ringing continues in the distance]

[siren wailing]

[horn blares]

[siren wailing and horn honking]

- Turn it off!

I say turn it off!

I got ballet practice with my daughter

at : in the morning!

I don't need this!

I want her to be a good ballerina!

- It's okay, everybody.

- What are you doing?

- It's just a drill.

- No, it's not okay!

It's not okay!

It is not okay!

[light music]

*

[dog barking]

- Hi, dog. - Marissa, is that you?

- Uh-huh.

- Are you hungry, hon?

I've got dinner on.

And I baked a cake.

- Slow day, huh?

- Well, you know how it is with a new business.

It'll pick up.

[siren wailing and horn honking]

What the hell?

[siren approaching]

- [scoffs]

- Hey, thanks, guys.

Thank you. Thank you for coming.

Oh!

- What the hell is going on?

- Huh? Oh, it was nothing.

It was just, like, a grease fire that--

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot.

- You couldn't call?

- Oh, look, I'm sorry. I just--

- It just doesn't make sense not to call.

- I know, but I-- you dial them--

- I mean, I'm right across the street.

- I know, but you dial them out of habit, you know?

- Yeah, right.

- I'll put you on my speed dial.

[siren wailing]

[horn blares]

[engine turns over]

- May the best man win.

[siren wailing and horn honking]

[door opens] Hon, are you home?

- In here.

- Guess what.

- What?

- I got rid of the fire engine.

-Oh, no.

You're not a policeman now, are you?

- No.

I'm under arrest.

Apparently, it's illegal to interfere with a fire department

in the performance of their duties.

- Got to take you in now, Paul.

- Okay.

Oh, don't worry, hon.

I think I can get me off.

You know, I'm a pretty good lawyer.

- Oh, honey, it's so good to hear you say that.

- Come on.

[upbeat music]

- You startled me.

It's not every day that an audience sneaks up on me

in the middle of a cemetery

just as I'm about to delivery a humorous monologue.

I was just visiting with a friend of mine

who recently passed on to that great disco upstairs.

Mm.

His name was Charles Hammond--

not these organ people,

these organ people.

Hmm.

Charles was--

now, how do I put this without spooking the horses?

Mm.

He was a leather slut.

Mm.

He was one of those ----

that made respectable gays so uncomfortable.

Ah.

"Buddy," he'd say, "the world's so full of crap,

why bother wiping your ass?"

We both believed respectability is for five-star hotels,

not people,

although you will find me in the Michelin guide.

Charles was a sexual coureur de bois,

whereas I'm more of a Blanche DuBois.

He was very handy.

He made all of his own S&M gear

and even tapped his own rubber,

all on a waiter's salary,

which is nothing after taxes and dr*gs.

Mm.

He once made a cock ring

out of aluminum foil from cigarette packs,

for heaven's sakes.

Of course, it played havoc with his tricks' fillings.

And at night, when his antenna was up

and there were no clouds,

he could pick up radio stations

as far away as Amarillo, Texas.

Well, you've got to listen to something

when you're down there.

Ah.

Charles cared about the people who fellated him.

He was also a trained blacksmith,

so his slaves always had fabulous shoes.

He was almost completely blind and very vain,

so he wouldn't wear glasses,

and he couldn't wear contacts,

because he had a severe case of astigmatism.

So when he went out cruising,

he was flying blind, as it were.

[inhales] Mm.

I don't think he ever recovered

from the night he dragged home his brother from a bar.

His brother really should have said something.

Near the end of his life, he became very religious.

He claimed to have found biblical support for bondage.

Yeah, like every second page.

He claimed he would b*at this thing,

and in a way, he did.

He got hit by a bus on his way to the clinic.

It took the emergency crew two hours

to pry his mustache off the grille.

This is it.

Isn't it a beauty?

What do you think, hmm?

He left it to me in his will because I admired it so much.

I would have preferred a cat, but a pet's a pet.

Good night, sweet prince.

Maybe it's better this way.

I don't think you could handle what's going on.

Get this:

---- are becoming respectable.

Well, some of them are.

Ha!

[upbeat music]

*

- What? - What?

- What? - What?

- Steven, you're drunk.

- What?

- Steven, you're drunk and you're stupid.

Get off this phone.

- How can I go to bed when you keep calling?

- Steven, you called me.

You called me because you're drunk and you're stupid.

- You're...ugly.

- Steven, your responses have been dulled by drink,

drink and stupidity.

Read a book and go to bed.

- You must have called times.

- And you're drunk times, and you're stupid as well.

Steven, get off this phone.

It's for sober, smart people.

- I love this phone.

It's my phone.

- Steven, it's a hotel phone.

- I'm not in a hotel.

- Yes, you are, Steven.

Go look at the towels.

Go look at the little soaps.

Maybe that will sober you up, Steven.

- I know I'm in a hotel.

- Oh, good for you, Steven.

You're drunk, you're stupid, and you're in a hotel.

Are you happy, Steven? Are you happy?

- I am sober, fatso.

- Yeah, Steven, I'm fat. I'm very fat.

Tell me, are you drunk because you're stupid,

or are you stupid because you're drunk?

- Quit quackin'.

I was thinking about stuff.

- Oh, did it hurt, Steven?

Did it hurt to think?

That's an old joke, Steven, but you won't recall it,

because you're drunk and stupid and forgetful.

And, my God, how are you gonna fly

on minutes' sleep?

- Like a dove.

- Like a drunk dove.

Like a drunk crow.

Hang up the phone, drunkard.

Steven, you're a disappointment.

Not a surprise but a disappointment.

- I know why I'm calling.

- Oh, good for you, Steven.

Welcome aboard to the human race.

You can take off that monkey head now, Steven.

Welcome aboard, Stevie. Welcome aboard.

- I know why I'm calling.

- Why?

- May I borrow your mini bar, sir?

- What?

- My mini bar is empty.

It's so small.

- How did it get empty, Steven?

- I emptied it.

- Why?

- Consumption.

- Well, my mini bar is empty as well.

- Aha! You're drunk!

- Yes, I am, but I'm not stupid, Steven.

Now, listen.

All I've got left is the champagne,

the playing cards, and the cashew nuts.

Now, do you want them?

- Yes. - All right.

[tsking] I'll send them over, Steven.

But listen, Steven.

For God sakes, don't play cards for money, because you're drunk.

And don't drink the champagne to celebrate how stupid you are.

Eat the cashews, and go to bed.

And when you wake up,

which will be a half an hour from now,

you'll say, "My God, I got drunk

"and step $ on a handful of cashew nuts.

"Boy, am I stupid.

Luckily, I'm no longer drunk."

- [snores]

- You're drunk, you're stupid,

and you're asleep on my phone line.

What a frightening apparition you are.

[upbeat music]

[light music playing]

- Well, Kevin, I'm glad

you finally had time to have lunch with me,

because I enjoy The Kids in the Hall

very mucho.

- Well, thank you very...mucho.

- What a line-up.

- Yeah.

- [laughs]

You're a celebrity.

Can't you get us in first?

Seriously.

- I don't know.

Should I?

- * Well, I say, Kevin, take advantage of the show *

* You're in showbiz

* Go get all the perks you want *

* Go, cat, go

*

- Why not?

- Hey. - Hey, watch it.

- Excuse me, but I was wondering if--

- Hey, aren't you Calvin McDinkley

from The Kids in the Hall?

- Kevin McDonald, yes.

- You don't have to wait in a line-up.

Follow me. - [laughs] All right.

Oh.

Thank you.

- And if there's anything else you need, Calvin,

call me.

I love you.

- Now, that's what I call service.

So about this movie thing--

- Ah, yes, well, we want you to star in a new film

that I've written.

It's based on the old television series

"The Mothers-in-Law."

And you would be perfect for the Eve Arden part.

- Me? - You'd be perfect.

- Please accept this champagne compliments of the house.

- I don't know.

Should I?

- * Well, take advantage

* Of this Kids in the Hall madness *

* Use celebrity status

* Get all the perks you want

* Cat, you're pure badness

*

- Why not?

In fact, bring us more ice.

- Of course. More ice for the man I love.

- Now, about this movie.

I see myself more in the Kaye Ballard part.

I just think it has more depth and--

- You know, that's a brilliant i--

What's wrong?

- Should I?

- * Chicks, chicks, chicks

* Chicks, chicks

* Chicks, chicks, chicks

* Mama, mama, mama

* Chicks, chicks, chicks, mm-hmm *

* You're a big star, uh-huh

- Would you excuse me for a second?

Hi, ladies.

I'm Kevin McDonald from The Kids in the Hall,

and I was wondering if I could buy you a drink.

Don't you know who I am?

- Oh, we know who you are.

We just don't care.

- They don't care.

Oh, my God.

What am I gonna do?

Elvis?

Elvis!

Elvis, I need help!

Elvis!

Damn it!

- I have your ice for you, Mr. McDinkley.

- Damn the ice!

I want Elvis!

Elvis!

Elvis, I need help!

Elvis!

-* Go, cat, go

*

-Elvis.

**