04x22 - Episode 22

[bunniefuu]

- Mr. Lucic, do you still maintain that your actions

concerning Flight were somehow justified?

- What would you have done?

None of you can understand, because none of you were there!

You don't think about what's right and wrong

when you're just trying to survive.

Right and wrong-- those are just words.

They don't mean anything when you look around you,

and all you can see is death

and all you can feel is the hunger.

What would you have done?

- We're not talking about a plane crash

in the Andes here, sir.

You never got off the runway.

We are talking about a delay.

You are the sole survivor of a -minute delay.

- minutes I will never forget.

- You ate of your fellow passengers.

You could have eaten just one, but, no,

you ate a little bit of each passenger.

Why?

- Your Honor,

I am not an experienced cannibal.

I did not get on that plane expecting to eat anyone.

I simply tasted a little of each,

in hopes that the next one would taste better.

I'm sure Your Honor has done the same thing

with a box of chocolates.

- No, I haven't.

My wife does, and I hate it when she does it.

- Oh.

- I suppose I wouldn't mind so much if I still loved her.

But let's face it,

I need some time to myself.

Case dismissed.

[laid-back rock music]

*

[car engine grinding]

[grinding continues]

- [sighs]

- What's wrong, Danny?

- Darn thing won't start.

- Maybe the spark plugs aren't f*ring.

- Thanks for the tip, honey, but would you let me, please?

Okay? [grinding]

Come on! What is wrong?

I know.

[sighs]

Try it now.

[grinding]

Huh.

That should do it. Try it now.

[grinding]

- It's not starting.

- Damn! Hmm.

[thump] Try it now.

[grinding]

Sheesh.

Hmm. [thump]

Try it now.

[grinding] Come on, give her juice.

Crank her. Crank her.

Come on! Come on!

Rats. I just don't get it.

I just don't get it.

Try it now.

[grinding]

Hmm.

Try it now.

[grinding]

No?

Well, maybe we should just stay home then, huh?

Let's just rent a movie,

build a fire.

Yeah, yeah. Just the two of us.

Try it now!

[grinding]

Try it now!

[grinding]

Try it now!

[grinding] Dang!

- Daniel, it's no use.

- I got an idea.

Okay. Ah, here's the problem.

Come on, you little rascal.

It's one of the Thompson brats.

Try it now.

[engine turns over]

- Eureka!

- Okay, let's go, Scooter.

[child laughing]

There you go.

[dog barking]

[dog growling]

Okay, Phantom, here we come.

[both singing merrily]

- Excuse me. - Yeah?

- I, I, I, I--

I never, um, normally--

- What is it? - What?

- Come out here, but, um--

- So, kid...

- [stammering]

- What is the matter?

Why are you so nervous, eh?

What is it you want, huh?

- I want, well, I want, uh--

- Tell me, would you like this woman

to have sex with you for money, eh?

Is that what you would like, eh?

- [laughing] Yeah.

- Well, let me introduce you.

Jocelyn, I would like you to meet--

- Hi, I'm Nat. - Nat.

- This is Nat. Oh, thank you.

Hello, Nat. - Hello.

- So, why don't you two go together somewhere, okay, Nat?

- Okay.

- So we go together. Okay.

Leave me the sock. I'll use it later.

- Oh, sure.

- [screaming]

- What? What? What happened?

- It's okay, I'm fine. - Okay, okay.

- God, I hope she's okay.

*

[church bells ringing]

[boy crying]

- Hey, what's wrong, little soldier?

- We lost our dog.

- Oh, no.

Here.

Don't worry, I'm sure he'll turn up.

- [crying]

- Aw, don't be so glum.

[upbeat music]

*

* Doe, a deer, a female deer

- * Ray, a drop of golden sun

- * Me, a name I call myself

- * Far, a long, long way to run *

- * Sew, a needle pulling thread *

both: * La, a note to follow so

both: * Tea, a drink with jam and bread *

- * That will bring us back to *

- * Do - * Do

- * Do - * Do

[laughter]

all: * Doe, a deer, a female deer

- * Ray, a drop of golden sun

- * Me, a name I call myself

both: * Far, a long, long way to run *

both: * Sew, a needle pulling thread *

all: * La, a note to follow so

* Tea, a drink with jam and bread *

* That will bring us back to

* Do-re-mi-fa-so-la-ti-do

[cheering]

- So long. Say "thank you."

[cheering]

*

- Why does everything always happen to me?

- Ready the a**l probe.

- a**l probe is ready.

- Commence a**l probing.

[screaming]

- Quick, erase his memory.

[laser whirring]

- Memory's erased.

- Let's get him out of here. - Excuse me.

- Move it.

Ah, boy.

- Something wrong?

Ah, it's nothing, really.

- I think you could use a cup of coffee.

- Yeah.

- So, what's bothering you?

- [sighs]

Lately, I just keep wondering, what's the point?

- Point?

- Yeah, what's the point of what we do?

- Sorry, I don't follow you.

- Well, I mean, we travel , light-years

across the universe, abduct humans,

probe them anally,

and release them.

- Yeah, and?

- Well, doesn't it seem kind of pointless?

- I really don't think about it.

- Well, don't you think you should?

- No, I don't think I should.

I don't think I should question the leadership

of our great leader.

- Oh, come on.

I mean, we've been coming here for years

and performing a**l probes,

and all that we have learned is that in

doesn't really seem to mind.

- Well, do you have a better plan

than our great leaders?

- Yes, I do. I do have a better plan.

My plan is that we don't travel , light-years,

we don't abduct any humans,

and this is the best part--

we don't do any a**l probing.

- Oh, great plan.

Do you realize how many people

intergalactic a**l probing employs?

- [throat clearing]

- Well, back to work.

- Ready the a**l probe.

- a**l probe is ready.

- Commence a**l probing.

- Couldn't we at least abduct

their political or religious leaders

instead of just any idiot in a pickup truck?

- I'm sure the great leader has his reasons.

- Well, I'm sure the great leader

is just some sort of twisted ass freak.

- All right, I am now officially ignoring you.

Commence a**l probing.

- Well, that's a relief, anyway.

Erase his memory.

- Memory's erased.

- Get him out of here.

- Come on, kid--move it. Move it.

- You know what you need?

A hobby.

I know it helps me.

- Yeah? What do you do?

- Well, I don't like to toot my own horn,

but I'm a pretty good amateur rectal photographer.

Would you like to see my portfolio?

- No, I would hate to.

- Fine, screw you. - Well, screw you.

*

- Excuse me. - Hi, there.

- Are you a tr*nsv*stite?

- No, I'm not.

I'm a real woman.

- Could you pretend you're really a man?

- No!

- I could.

- No, you couldn't. - Hey!

[snorts]

- Oh, you cause such trouble. Mordred!

[nasal voice] - This is Jack Nicholson.

You've reached the answering machine

of Randy-- [toy squeaking]

and his Belle, Christine. [bell ringing]

Listen to old Jack; he's not gonna snow you.

[blowing]

Listen, could we do this, please?

- What do you mean?

- Well, the bell was late.

It's all just really ragged.

- The bell was not late.

Look, can we just finish this and go out, dear?

- Fine. Fine.

Just try, okay?

This is Jack Nicholson.

He's not gonna snow you, citizen.

We're out at a Lake--

[maraca rattling]

And what are you going to use to represent

a Lakers game?

- The little ball.

- Could we please get into this?

- I am. It's just-- - It's just what?

- Well, I just don't think your Jack is,

well, very strong.

- Well, the gloves are off, aren't they?

- Look, can we just leave a straight message for once

saying, "We're not home.

Please leave a message after the beep"?

- A straight message?

Old people leave straight messages.

Government clerks leave straight messages.

- All right, dear. - No, no.

I don't think you know how important

our answering machine messages are.

We set a standard.

People love our answering machine messages.

People call up just to hear our messages.

- Well, it used to be more fun

when we starting living together.

- Well, it's always fun at first,

but please understand, sweet Christine,

that Picasso didn't feel like getting up every day.

But he did, and spoke French, and he painted--

- It's an answering machine.

- Yes, an answering machine,

the most important, creative outlet of the 's.

- Answering machine.

- Yeah, yeah-- but if William Shakespeare

were alive today, he wouldn't be writing plays.

He'd be writing answering machine messages.

[phone ringing] - What?

- Hello? No, it's me.

It's not ready yet.

You happy?

Fine. Fine, you're dead to me.

I'll do it myself.

- Go ahead. - Thanks.

Why don't you just put on a jazz tape,

and I'll improvise a little something.

[jazz music playing]

*

I'm not in a rut!

- I'll do it.

- What? You can't do it.

- I'll do it. - You can't do it.

- Why? - 'Cause you're a girl.

- What?

- Everybody knows girls don't make good

answering machine messages.

- That's ridiculous. Get up, little man.

- We're not here right now.

We're somewhere else.

- It's not as easy as it looks, is it?

- Shut up.

- Eek, eek.

We're out monkeying around

and can't come to the phone.

Please leave a message after the "eek,"

and we'll swing on by.

- See, you never finish anything you start.

- Shut up! - You dropped out of college.

You only took one vegetarian cooking class.

It's a joke.

[phone ringing]

[sighs]

- Eek, eek.

We're out monkeying around

and can't come to the phone now.

So if you leave a message after the "eek,"

we'll swing on by.

- See, you can't finish anything you start, can you?

- Shut up! - You dropped out of college.

You only took one vegetarian cooking class.

You can't finish anything.

[beep]

- Hey, that's great!

That's the best one yet.

That's better than the "screening our calls" one.

- Oh, I'm sorry, dear. Come on.

- Don't touch me.

*

- For what we are about to eat, we give thanks.

Amen. - Amen.

[squawking in distance]

- Mother?

- Yes, dear?

- There's something out there.

- We aren't expecting anybody.

I don't see anyone, dear.

- Hello!

[both scream] Can I come in?

Can I come in?

Hi.

I used to live here.

Can I come in and look around?

- Well, actually, we're in the middle of our evening meal.

- Oh, thanks.

Oh, God, the memories, eh?

They flood back, like...

Like memories.

Oh!

Oh, look at that, eh?

The old cupboards.

Love these old cupboards.

Oh, hi, cupboards.

- What is it, mum?

- I don't know.

- You shouldn't have these out.

I'm not allowed to play with these.

These got to go away.

* Oh, give me a home, where the-- *

Hey, I don't remember this.

- That's because it's ours.

- Oh, yeah? It's really nice.

both: Thank you.

- Welcome. [gasps]

Oh, the table.

You know what, I was born right here on this table.

- Are you all right, dear?

- Yeah, I'm remembering.

[grunting]

[cracking and crumbling]

[cheeping]

- What is it?

- Supposed be a chicken.

But it's also a kid.

It's a chicken kid.

It's a girl.

- What have you done?

What have you done?

- [mumbling]

How dare you say--

[chicken peeps]

- [gasps]

- Suppose I should leaves you alone,

so as you can k*ll it.

- Stop squirming, you ugly...

- Mama.

- Ooh, baby.

[lightning crackles]

- Oh!

This is the room where my mom and my stepdad used to sleep.

- You shouldn't be in here.

- This is our room.

- Oh, do you have sex here?

This is where you have sex?

[gasps]

- [moaning]

[creaking]

[thumping]

[moaning]

- [grunting]

- Hmm?

- Damn brat's in the room.

- What are you doing?

- Get out!

- And high school was hard for me,

'cause I was really unpopular.

Want to know why? 'Cause I was special.

Yeah, my mom said so.

She said all the other kids would pay in hell!

Hey!

That's where I used to catch my bus,

right down there.

Wait!

This is it! This is my room!

Could you open it up? I've just got to see it.

I met my first boyfriend here.

[all laughing]

- What's going on?

Hey! Where am I?

What-- What's that smell?

[pounding on door]

Guys. Guys!

- They say the experience left him scarred,

scarred for life!

[coughing softly]

I'm sorry, I'm a little thirsty.

Can I go drink out of your toilet?

- May God have mercy on your soul!

- Yeah. You too, eh?

Thanks. Bye.

Aww, good-bye, porch!

Good-bye, tree!

Good-bye, pathway!

Good-bye, little bush!

Good-bye, house!

Good-bye!

Oh, good-bye, telephone pole!

Bye, telephone pole!

Hello, car!

- So, that's your old house?

- Yeah, I think it was.

No, wait! There it is!

That's it there! Stop the car!

You got to stop the car! That's my house!

I wanna go in there; it's full of memories.

- That was the last damned house!

- Oh, you got to stop the car.

I want to go see my old bedroom.