05x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat dance music]

♪

- You know, the one thing

I resent at Lesbian and Gay Pride Day

is the police presence.

It's totally unnecessary.

Gay people are peace-loving. - Yeah.

We don't even need cops.

- I prefer to use the word pigs. - Hey.

That little pig over there is kind of cute, eh?

- Hey, partner.

I think that blond guy likes you.

[chuckles]

- You think so? - Yeah.

He's doing, uh-- what do they call it?

Uh--cruising you, there.

- What should I do?

- Well, don't do anything.

Just stare straight ahead.

It's Gay Pride Day. - Gay Pride Day?

I thought it was another one of those Blue Jays celebrations.

- No, no, no. That's every second Thursday.

- Oh. I like those.

- Yeah, me too.

[laid-back rock music]

♪

- Well, this is a dandy restaurant, Gwen.

Yeah? - Yeah.

- Hello, and welcome to Pesto's.

I will be your waiter for this evening.

- Hello.

- May I tell you tonight's specials?

- By all means.

- Thank you.

Tonight we have a very nice linguine with clam sauce,

and we have a very lovely crab salad.

And may I recommend the grilled swordfish.

It is quite excellent!

- Geez. It all sounds so good.

It's hard to decide. - Oh.

You're staring at my stumps, aren't you?

- No! No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

- Well, I was.

- Thank you, ma'am. I admire honesty in a person.

I like that better than cowardice.

- Fair enough. - Yes!

I am the waiter with stumps for hands.

But don't worry, I'll make myself scarce

when you're eating so you won't be disgusted by my stumps.

- Oh, no. No, I--

I wouldn't be disgusted at all.

- Well, I would.

- Thank you, ma'am.

At any rate, I won't bother you with the story

of how I became the waiter with stumps for hands.

- Good! We'll just order, then.

Okay-- - Ask him.

- What? - Ask him.

- I don't think so. - I think he wants you to.

He's just being polite--

I don't think he really--

Okay.

So how did you become the waiter with stumps for hands?

- Don't patronize me, sir!

Well, I wasn't always the waiter with stumps for hands.

No, once I was Eric, the waiter with hands for hands.

[uplifting dramatic music]

♪

Those were my happy, carefree days.

And then everything changed that fateful day

they installed the spaghetti grinder.

[dramatic music]

♪

- Excuse me? There's a problem with the bill.

- Oh, did I make a mistake, sir?

- No, the problem is thinking I'm going to pay the bill.

- Not my hands!

My hands!

[screaming] My hands!

My hands!

[cries]

My hands!

[sobs]

And alas, that is my sad tale.

- Yes, that is very, very sad.

- Yes, it's very sad.

May we order now? - Yeah.

- Certainly. - I would like to order.

- What would you-- good night, nurse!

- What the--

- You have some nerve, coming here!

- Yeah, and you have no hands.

- Why do you come back and taunt me?

- Because you have the best grilled swordfish in the city.

- Your trail of terror ends here!

- Yeah, what are you gonna do? Head-butt me?

Come on, stumpy. Let's go.

Here. Come on.

Hey, bull.

Hey, come on. Toro!

- Stop it! - Come on!

- Stop it! I'll k*ll you with my own stumps!

Stop it! - [cackles]

- Stop it!

[surf rock music]

♪

[twangy music]

♪

- Don't you have any other movies?

- You don't like it? - No, it's fine.

It's just that we keep watching it over and over.

Every time we come back to your place,

we watch the same movie.

- Oh, it's just that it's my favorite movie.

You know--oh wait, this is my favorite scene coming up.

Hold on, I'm gonna turn it up a bit.

- We're gonna make you squeal like a pig, ain't we, boy?

We're gonna make this fella squeal like a pig!

- Squeal like a pig!

- Hey, let me rewind that bit.

I'll--we'll just watch that part again.

- We're gonna make you squeal like a pig, ain't we boy?

We're gonna make this fella squeal like a pig!

- Squeal like a pig!

- You don't want to see it again?

- Are you trying to tell me something?

- What are you talking about? We're just watching a movie.

- No, no. We're not just watching a movie.

We're watching one movie over and over.

No, in fact, we're watching one scene over and over.

And I'm not sure if you're trying to tell me something.

- What?

- We're gonna make you squeal like a pig, ain't we, boy?

We're gonna make this fella squeal like a pig.

- Squeal like a pig!

- What is it that you like about that scene?

- I like that it's well-written.

I mean, ah, it's a very famous scene,

and it's famous because of its writing.

- Just out of curiosity,

are there any other scene from any other movies

that you consider to be exceptionally well-written?

- The butter scene from "Last Tango in Paris."

The writing in that is just extraordinary.

- Ah.

Well, it's pretty obvious

to me what you liked about both these scenes.

- Well, I liked that they're both well-written.

- No, I don't think that's it.

What do these scenes have in common?

- Nothing. - Nothing?

- Nothing, I mean,

the one film's about a journey

of self-discovery through the wilderness,

and the other film is about a man

trying to cope with the death of his wife in Paris.

- No, what are the actors in these scene doing in common?

- Breathing life into great writing?

- No!

What sexual act are these characters performing?

- Look, are you heading somewhere with this?

Because I really just don't see it.

I just-- - They're both having a**l sex!

- Wow.

I can't believe that's all you see when you watch that scene.

I can't--I mean,

my--the a**l sex is pretty incidental.

- Incidental? - Yes, incidental.

I mean, obviously, you just don't appreciate fine cinema.

- Oh.

- That's obviously what the problem is.

- Oh, well, then, I guess I should go.

- Yeah, maybe you should go.

- Yeah. - Yeah, maybe you should go.

But please feel free to call me if you should ever

learn anything at all about film, okay?

You know, maybe you might want to read Kenneth Turlong's

"Film Semiotics"

or Dale Steve's "Ass Masters of the Silver Screen."

- You're a butt freak.

- Film buff. - Butt freak!

- Film buff. - Butt freak!

- Film buff. - Butt freak!

- Film buff!

Man, why is it so hard to find a woman that appreciates film?

- Squeal like a pig!

[upbeat rock music]

♪

- Take him away.

- Are you a crook 'cause you didn't eat your vegetables?

Yello. - Yes, may I help you?

- Yes, I'd like to register a complaint.

- But you're a kid.

- Yeah, but that's a different complaint.

- Pardon? - Well, for example,

one time, this kid in my class pounded me with my own fists.

My own fists. Pretty ironic, eh?

- Yeah, one time, a guy sh*t me with my own g*n.

- Yeah, but you did dare him.

- Are you going to talk amongst yourself all day,

or do you want to hear my complaint?

- Okay,

what is your complaint?

- I'd like to report one of those empty fridges

that still has the door on,

and a kid could crawl inside and stop breathing and die.

- Okay.

Now, where exactly is this fridge?

- It's in my kitchen.

- Very funny, kid.

Now if there's nothing else,

my partner and I would like to get back to work.

- Okay?

- Well, I did witness something horrific and unlawful.

- What did you see?

- A guy who leaks.

- A guy who leaks?

- Yeah, you might not notice at first

unless you had him under surveillance, as I do.

And then you would see him leak from his arms, his elbows,

and his knees.

- Why are you telling us?

- 'Cause I told a fireman, and he didn't care.

He said, he could only care if he leaked something flammable,

like hair spray or wood.

- Okay, listen, sport.

What is going on here?

Did your mother leave you alone?

Are you an orphan?

- No, I have a family:

a Dad and a picture of my Mom.

You know what?

- What? - My Mom d*ed.

So my dad, to deal with the grief, bought me a hamster.

- That's nice. - Yeah.

And I named the hamster Mom,

and it d*ed.

- Look, little guy, I've got an idea.

Why don't we just call your Dad. Okay?

- Yeah, but what if a guy leaked on a school bus

full of children who were only worth ¢ each?

- What?

- I have read that if you

were to melt people down and sell their component parts,

they'd only be worth ¢.

That's gotta be a pretty weird store, though.

- I'm worth exactly bucks a month to my ex-wife.

- Look, I've got to go back and finish this report, okay?

You take care of this guy.

- You know, they made a movie about that guy who leaks:

"Cocoon."

- "Cocoon" isn't about a guy who leaks.

It's about aliens and lovable old people

who hug rocks and go swimming.

- How do you know?

- I seen it. - Okay, fine.

We can go see something else, then.

- Look, I got to get back to work.

- Okay, just a second, just a minute.

I think I know what's going on here.

Is your name Gavin?

- Obviously. - I knew it!

- How'd you know that?

- They're booking his dad back there

for scalping hockey tickets.

- Why doesn't that surprise me?

- 'Cause you've seen dead guys?

- Look, your dad will be out in a couple of hours.

Why don't you scoot over there and wait, okay?

- A couple of hours, that gives me just enough time

to explain how insects work.

Excuse me, officer, do you have a common playing card?

- I'm working. - With a common playing card,

I can explain the workings of an insect...

[heavy rock music]

♪

[upbeat pop music]

♪

- I think it's in Deuteronomy.

- No, it's in Revelations.

- It's nowhere in the Bible that God hates h*m*.

- No, I don't know. - No, that's not true.

No, it's definitely in there.

It's--um, "Thou shalt not lie-eth

with man as with women-eth."

- Or, "It is an abomination against God and nature."

- Yes.

- Yeah. - What are you saying?

That you agree with this guy?

- Uh-huh. - Yes.

Butchie and I are reclaiming our self-loathing.

- But it's Lesbian and Gay Pride Day.

Get it? Pride?

- Ah, so what? I hate Gay Pride Day.

Everybody's so full of themselves, eh?

So much attitude. - Yeah.

Too many ----.

- With that one sentence,

you just destroyed years of bridge-building

between the lesbian and gay community.

- Yeah, that's right, Smitty.

Ijust blew up the Bridge Over The River q*eer.

- With friends like you,

the lesbian and gay community do not need enemies.

- Oh, yeah? Okay.

Hey, Goliath!

Read your Old Testament!

- [grunts]

- Yeah! - See, Smitty?

Activism can take many forms. - Yeah.

Stay down!

[twangy rock music]

♪

- He d*ed so suddenly.

I never even had the time to say I love you, Daddy.

I love you, Daddy.

- I know.

I know, I know, I know.

I know.

- I'm so ashamed to be crying to you like this, but--

- Oh, don't be ashamed.

Don't be ashamed; it's good to cry.

Let it out, let it out.

- [sobbing]

- I'm sorry, Mr. Peninson.

We did everything we could, but she just didn't make it.

- Oh, my God.

What am I gonna do?

- You're gonna be okay. You're gonna be okay.

- What am I gonna do?

- It's good to cry.

It's healing.

- [sobbing]

- If only I could have done something more!

I--

- Look, you're not a god! - I'm not--

- I'm sure you did all you could.

Go ahead, cry on my shoulder! Excuse me--

You're gonna be fine. You're gonna be fine.

- [sobbing] - Got to go.

Hey, you're going to wake up tomorrow,

and the sun is still going to be shining, I promise you this!

- [sobbing]

- Weren't you listening? I said you're not a god!

- You're right. But don't worry about me.

Right now he needs the love and support of his family.

- Of course.

- Actually, I-- I don't know him.

I thought he was with her.

- I've never seen him before in my life.

- Just who the hell are you, mister?

- I'm, I'm--

I'm from a race of immortals.

Yes, we've walked amongst you for countless ages.

I come here to try and learn something of the pain of loss,

the loss brought on by this thing called death.

So grieve not for those who have d*ed today.

Instead, grieve for those of us who must go on and on forever

without hope of rest.

Please, leave me now.

I've already told you too much.

Race of immortals.

[laughs]

- [crying]

- You're gonna be fine.

Everything's gonna be okay. You're gonna be fine.

[rock music]

♪

[upbeat pop music]

- Hey, look. There goes Cher on Rollerblades.

- Hey, look!

There goes a Dolly Parton on Rollerblades.

- Whoa, look, there goes a Whitney Houston on rollerblades.

- Wow, there sure are a lot of drag queens

on Rollerblades this year.

- Yeah, well, you know it is the fastest growing sport

in North America, eh?

- Rollerblading? - No, drag.

- Oh. - Look!

There goes a leather ---- with her nipples pierced!

- Oh, wow! Oh, hey!

Hey--hey, there's a leather man with his ass hanging out.

- Look, there goes a mistress with her sl*ve.

- You just know that on the evening news,

all they will show are the drag queens and the leather people.

- Yeah, but there are a lot of them.

- Wow!

Look at all the hot guys from Bar Hot, eh?

- I guess you've slept with a few of them, eh, Butchie?

- Oh, yeah. Some were great.

Some weren't. Whatever.

You know.

- Hey, look, there goes the Gay and Lesbian,

Bisexual, Transgender Farm Collective.

Yay.

- Wow, they're ugly.

- Oh, throw them a bone, Butch.

- I hear they grow great pot.

[whooshing]

What was that, guys?

Guys?

Guys?

What are you doing in the Farm Collective?

Well, it's good to see

that they're overcoming their lookism.

[mellow rock music]

♪

- Don't pout, Mur.

I can't believe you're doing this to me again, Murray.

You're not paying for your half of the lunch.

I went out on my lunch hour--

yes, I did.

I bought the kind of sandwiches that you like.

The kind of pastries that you tend to dig, and--

No, no.

- ♪ Sound Factory

- A customer.

[whistling music]

♪

Can I help you? - Oh.

No, thanks. I'm just looking.

- Great.

And I'm just looking at you look.

Did you notice my name tag at all?

- Yeah.

- I guess you'll start using my name soon.

- Okay, Evan.

- Should I call you Evan, or do you have a different name?

- My name is Don. - Really?

I had a friend named Don once.

I saved his life.

- Thank you? - Don't mention it.

Don, let's break out of the traditional salesman,

customer roles and have a little fun, eh?

Okay, enough fun. Let's get down to business.

What kind of expensive stereo unit am I going

to sell you today?

- Well, what can you tell me about this one right here?

- It's a bottom of the line unit.

It doesn't know what it's doing.

- Well, it might be fine for what I want.

- Put your arm around it.

No, you don't make a good couple.

- Well, it is the right kind of price I'm looking for.

- Are you on death row?

- No.

- Then you don't get the discount.

- Listen, Evan, I think I'm going to look around--

- I was just thinking...

[mouthing]

- What was that?

- You're right. We do take sounds for granted.

Listen, let's take this pause

to introduce you to some more advanced sound units,

Units that aren't afraid of sound.

Units that aren't afraid to sound.

Right this way.

[whistling music]

♪

Hey, why don't you buy this one right here?

- Well, it's a bit expensive, Evan.

- Well, one of the features of this sound unit

is that you can pay it off in one easy installment,

the whole thing, right now.

- Yeah. Do you have any demos,

anything slightly used?

- When you go to a restaurant, do you order slightly used food?

- No, I don't. - No, you don't.

- I'm gonna go look at some other stores.

- Great, I'll come with you.

Mur, watch the food while I go.

- All right, all right, all right!

What have you got?

- I find your curiosity for sound pleasantly childlike.

Hey, Mur, I was just thinking that some people

can't enjoy sound because they're deaf.

And I guess that leaves a bigger responsibility,

for those of us who can hear,

to the sounds, to the sounds, to the sounds...

[wind howling]

The wind...

a car horn...

[horn blares]

A middle-aged couple fighting.

- You're leaving me because I was late?

- It's not the first time.

- Can't you tell that I was late because I love you?

- [yelps]

- A hawk.

[hawk cawing]

No, Murray.

It's not a real hawk,

just lifelike hawk sound.

- It does sound pretty good, though.

- A man who knows what he's hearing.

- You know, I think I might be interested.

- Think, Don?

Don, I have thought--

thoughts of sounds,

sounds that have lightly kissed my eardrums,

the silence of space that cries for the energy

of a Johnny Winter guitar solo,

or even the soft murmur

that comes off the nose of a sleeping puppy dog,

but must settle for silence,

for silence--

no sounds, no sounds.

Is that you, Don, or are you ready?

- Show me your best, Evan.

- Then it is time for the sound room.

[droning beep]

[electric guitar plays]

This is where you and I must part company.

♪

I sell sounds.

[thunder cracks] - Hello.

Have you seen the new Mitsubashi ?

Oh, perhaps you'd be more interested

in some floor-to-ceiling speakers from Kantek?

Course you would.

Isn't everybody into sound,

into sound?

[laughter]

- Thanks a bunch, Satan.