05x06 - Episode 6

[bunniefuu]

[nuts crackling]

- Can I help you?

- Yeah, you can help me.

You know, buddy, I'm about this close

to coming over there and kicking the crap out of you!

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah, yeah, yeah!

- Well, I'm about this close to running away.

- Oh, yeah? Okay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah?

- Yeah.

- You're lucky, pal!

Damn!

[laid-back rock music]

*

- Hey, watch it.

- Hey, I've got a question.

How come in "Cabaret"... - Yeah?

- Michael York doesn't even sing a song?

- Oh, you ----.

I can't even believe you asked that.

He doesn't sing because he's a dramatic lead.

Dramatic leads never sing in musicals.

They just have affairs with everybody.

Even in this, for instance, with a man!

- Oh, my god. That's so weird.

- Yeah, I thought it was very weird.

- Yeah.

Hi.

- Hi.

- So, Virgil,

did you study for the big "Macbeth" test next period?

- Yeah, did you?

- Yeah! Jeez.

And I even saw the Polanski film.

- Oh, so did I. - Yeah?

- Terrible acting, eh? - Yeah!

Do you know what I thought would have improved it immeasurably?

- What? - A little bit of recasting.

I thought Lady Macbeth

should have been played by Liza Minelli.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- A real women's libber.

You know, Ms. Macbeth!

- Yeah!

- You know who would have been great as Mr. Macbeth?

- Who? - Lee Majors.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, bionic Macbeth.

[humming]

- Or maybe like, Burt Reynolds.

- Burt Reynolds? Hardly.

- Well, I think so. - Well, I don't.

- Well, I do. - Well, I don't.

- Well, I do! - Well, I don't!

- Hey, Weston. Hey, Virgil.

both: Hi, Bill.

- Later.

So what you guys arguing about?

- Well, we were just doing a bit of dream-casting in "Macbeth."

- Yup. - Yeah.

I think that Mr. Macbeth

should have been played by Lee Majors, duh.

He thinks it should be Burt Reynolds.

- Yeah.

- Oh, yeah, you know what I just heard about Burt Reynolds?

- What?

- That he poses nude in that chicks' magazine "Cosmopolitan."

- Yeah! I heard about that!

- Yeah, apparently you can see his wang and everything.

- Oh!

- No, you can't. - What?

You saw it?

- No, another teen reporter told me.

- And you never told me? - Well.

- Jeez, what kind of a friend are you, Virgil Black?

- Well, anyway, it's supposed to be pretty big.

- Yeah? - No, it's not.

- I thought you never saw it.

- Well, it was just explained to me in great detail.

- Jeez! What else are you hiding?

Boy. - Shut up, Weston.

Shut up. You're an idiot.

You're an idiot.

[bell ringing]

- Boy.

So, Bill, are you ready

for the big "Macbeth" test next period?

- Next period?

I thought that was next week!

- No! [laughs]

It's next period!

- Well, I'm screwed. I'm gonna fail.

- No, not necessarily, Bill.

Why don't you just copy off of me and Virgil?

- Oh, that would be great.

Then I'd have time for a quick smoke before class.

- Okay.

- So why don't you save some seats for us near the back?

- Sure.

- Yeah. - Okay.

- See ya, Virg.

- See ya, Bill.

- Bye, Bill!

Boy, Bill's a great guy, eh?

Jeez, don't you wish we were that good looking and popular?

- Oh, is he good looking?

I can't tell with guys.

- Me either! A girl told me!

- Oh, yeah? Name her.

- Shut up. - Name her.

- Shut up. - What's her name?

- You're an idiot. - I'm not the idiot.

- You're the idiot.

[jazzy up-tempo music]

*

- Morning, Mr. Perkins.

Here's your mail.

- Thanks.

- Here's your mail, Mr. Erickson.

- Thanks, Joel. Thanks.

- I'm sorry, sir, Don't fire me.

- Fire you, Joel?

On your first day as the new second assistant manager?

- What? - That's right, Joel.

I'm promoting you.

You've been mail clerk for six years now.

I thought you deserved a break.

- Thank you, sir. Thank you.

- Yeah, yeah, now I'm gonna walk over there.

- Hey, Joel, congratulations.

I hope you won't forget your friends

now you've been promoted.

[creaking and rumbling]

[loud snap]

- I'm sorry, but I can't hear you, Erickson.

I guess that's because you're from my past

and as we all know,

sound doesn't travel so well from the past.

You see, you are a big slab of concrete,

and I am a meteor, a meteor on the rise.

- Are you serious?

- I am serious, and I am dangerous,

for I am second assistant manager of the ninth floor,

in charge of requisitions and supplies,

and I have gone mad with power!

Hey, aren't I in charge of all the paper on the floor?

Quick!

Get me , pounds of paper,

and I want it now!

Think of it. All that paper!

What are you all staring at?

Do you think I've gone mad, mad with power?

Well, you're right!

Perkins, from now on, you work under your desk.

I said under your desk, man!

- Hey!

What the hell gives you the right to order us around, huh?

- Don't bother me, worm.

I would have you fired if I had a little more power.

I've gone mad with my moderate amount of power!

- Well, great. Why don't you just go to hell?

- Oh, I'll go to hell,

but I swear I'll bring you along for the ride.

I have an announcement to make!

I'm in charge of the water cooler.

From now on, no one gets any water

unless they get my permission,

and no one gets my permission!

Are you thirsty under there, Perkins?

Well, you can't have any!

I can have as much as I want!

I'm not even thirsty!

- Okay.

Let's review you first week as second assistant manager.

Oh, you came in on time every day.

That's good. That's really good.

But you k*lled Perkins, and that's bad.

- He wouldn't stay under his desk.

I told him to stay under his...

desk.

- Uh, yeah.

I think that brings us to the major problem.

You've been abusing the very moderate amount

of power we gave you.

I have no choice but to take it away.

You're back to being mail clerk, 'kay?

- You can't send me back there.

They'll eat me alive.

- And I say "bon appetit."

- Oh, sweet Jesus.

[rock music]

*

[siren wailing]

[police radio chatter]

[camera shutter clicks]

- Well, let me have a look at what you got here.

[grunts]

Oh.

[camera shutter clicks]

[coughs, gags]

Oh, my--

[gagging, coughing]

[retching]

[sighs]

All these years on the force, you know?

Living with the filth and the ugliness of this city.

Makes you think you're tough.

Then you see something like that and ya...

ya feel just like a green rookie.

I--

Wait a minute.

This meter's expired!

Why, this car is illegally par--

[coughs, gags]

[retching]

I guess the law just doesn't apply to some people!

Ticket this car!

[sighs]

[gagging]

[metallic click]

[washing machine whirring]

[metallic clank]

[washing machine continues whirring]

- So you've seen our ad.

I'm so glad you've decided to come in and see us.

- Come in?

I've been here for ten minutes. - Great.

You must be eager, eager for a business opportunity?

- Oh. Sure, whatever you say.

What are you doing?

- I'm a businessman.

I'm offering business opportunities.

- Yeah? Like what?

- Well, where we like to begin usually is,

what is your general impression of business?

- Oh!

Well, I think business is good, you know.

Because it helps the economy. - Right!

- And there's big businesses and little businesses

and all of them have paper work, chairs, desks, executives,

number crunching--

- Right!

You sound like the kind of business opportunist

we've been looking for.

- Ha! - Here.

Why don't you fill out this form?

It'll give us a little background information on you.

- Okay.

Hmm.

"Are you interested in business opportunities:

yes or no?"

- Yes!

Excellent.

This is how I think we should proceed:

next time you come to do your laundry,

you give us a call.

- Hey!

Are you trying to buy my dirty underwear?

- No, I'm not trying to buy your underwear.

I'm trying to lease your underwear.

- I knew it!

- No, no, sir. It's not what you think.

- Hey, there was a guy here, a couple of weeks ago.

He tried to buy my dirty underwear,

only he wasn't slick like you.

- That was my ex-partner, sir.

We're not trying to buy or rent your underwear,

we're just trying to lease your underwear.

We just want the title of ownership.

- What?

- Yes, you get to retain possession of your underwear.

It's totally a paper transaction.

- Huh.

Is there money involved in this?

- Of course, sir, there's money involved.

I'm a businessman.

There's $.

- So you'll give me $

for the title of ownership to my underwear,

and I get to keep them?

- Of course you do, sir.

- But how do you make money doing that?

- We're idea people.

We profit from the idea that we own the deed to your underwear.

- Oh.

bucks?

Sure.

- But in the event that you should perish,

or your underwear becomes too soiled for your own tolerance,

or you take them off for any reason

like they're very soiled and you can't stand them being soiled--

- I knew it!

Quit talking to me.

- I'll call this a "maybe"?

I've got to go.

I've got another business opportunity.

- Hey! Somebody stole my underwear!

- Well, you should read the fine print.

- What?

[mellow rock music]

*

- Hey!

- Yeah?

- What's up your craw, punk?

- Pardon me?

- I said, what's up your craw?

- My craw? - Yeah.

- What's a craw?

- You don't know what a craw is?

- No, I'm sorry.

Maybe if I knew what a craw was,

I could tell you what was up it.

- Well, a craw is a-- you use a craw

when--it's about this--

I saw one in Fran--Jesus!

I hate guys with brains.

I'll never get in a fight!

Never!

Never!

It's just not in the cards.

[mellow rock music]

*

- * Ba, da-ba

* Ba, da-ba

* Ba doo

* My lady

* My lady

* I'm here on this planet

* To take care of my lady

Yeah.

Yeah.

* My sugar

* My sugar

* I'm here in this world

* To protect my sugar

Wow.

Wow.

* In summer or winter

* I'll always be there

* If you cannot breathe

* I'll give you my air

* And I'm asthmatic

Wow.

What do you say, Lucy?

Come and join Daddy in the bath.

The water's warm,

and I'm penning a tune for you.

Hey, Lucy, do you want another joint?

- No.

Three's enough for me.

- Hey, Toby!

Roll another joint, will ya?

* My lady

* Three-joint lady

- [laughs]

[water dripping]

- I think Toby's dead.

- Three's enough for me.

- I've gotta get going.

- Toby!

You're not dead.

- Hey, you took my last joint.

- Come on, Lucy.

Hop in.

The water's warm, and I'm hot.

* My hot child

* My hot child

* I'm here in this town

* To take

* Care of my hot child

[mellow rock music]

*

[smacking and grunting]

[rowdy music]

- [laughs]

[thuds]

[record scratches, music dies]

[men grunting]

It's just not fair.

- Hey, buddy.

Maybe youse been using the wrong lines.

- Yeah, I don't think so.

I mean, I've tried everything,

you know, like, "What are you looking at, ----?

"What's your problem, ----?

Are you a ----, ----?"

You know? All the hits.

- Hmm.

Well, then, maybe you're just a no-good, useless puke,

sitting there on your fat butt, taking up space

where something useful like a garbage can might be!

- Yeah, maybe you're right.

Hey!

Hey!

[mellow rock music]

*

[rhythmic metallic thudding]

[flames roar]

[rhythmic splashing]

[shovel splashes]

- Gregolt.

Gregolt.

I wish to speak with you now.

- But, Previn,

we work in silence.

- You are right.

[rhythmic splashing resumes]

- But each day, we work in silence.

I can stand the silence no more.

- Each day, we shovel fuel.

- But each day I feel the darkness.

Each day I feel the blackness.

Each day we shovel fuel to feed the furnace.

Each day I work as hard as I can.

- You are a good worker.

You are a better worker when you work in silence.

- Gregolt, it occurs to me this day

that our work cannot stop the darkness.

It cannot stop the blackness,

the black hand that massages as I speak.

- But each day we shovel fuel!

- You are right.

- [screams]

- What is it?

- You know, the sadness,

the blackness.

When will it end?

Gregolt,

what do you go home to?

- My wife, my child...

my rooster.

What do you go home to?

- Sadness, silence, darkness, blackness.

- Each day we shovel fuel!

Each day we work in silence!

- But the silence is too loud.

The darkness is too bright.

It blinds me.

It deafens me.

I am left blind.

I am left deaf,

in the darkness,

in the blackness.

- Why not try a little work?

Maybe that will help the blackness.

- Am I to live in blackness?

- If it'll help you work, yes.

[whistle blows]

- Our shift has ended.

Maybe now the blackness will end too.

- Maybe.

[whistle blows]

Our shift resumes anew.

- Did you enjoy your time off?

- There is no time off,

not until I am crushed by the black hand.

In the darkness.

In the silence.

In the sadness.

In the blackness.

**

**