05x07 - Episode 7

[bunniefuu]

- [in slow, distorted voice] Hey, Tony.

Want to hear

some music?

[rock music playing]

All right!

Rock and roll!

* On the water

* Fire in the sky

*

* Smoke on the water

*

- [in normal voice] Wow, I must be drunker than I thought.

- Hey, Tony,

have some cake.

Hey, what's wrong?

You don't look so good.

- Yeah, I don't feel so good.

Maybe I ought to be going, huh?

- Oh, that's too bad.

Bye.

- Hey, have you got rid of Tony yet?

Sorry about that.

- Look, if you guys want me to go,

you should just say so, okay?

[in slow, distorted voices] both: We want you to--

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm out of here.

- Sorry.

[laid-back rock music]

*

- Yeah, this is great.

- Kirk, I think we should break up.

- Well, you've ruined my meal.

- Well, we've grown apart.

It's like we've taken separate paths.

And recently, on my path, I've had a couple of lovers.

- You have lovers on your path?

On my path, I have TV dinners and watch "Full House."

- I'm sorry, but it is over between us.

- Well, then, down to business.

- What?

- I will save my sadness and anger for another day,

for today I must be practical.

It's happened.,

- I see.

Ma'am, at the request of Mr. Garhar--

Garharglefarg--

- Jackson. How can you mispronounce Jackson?

- At his request,

we are proposing that we set you up in a new town,

with a new identity, in a new job,

and, if you wish, a new face.

- Kirk, what's going on?

- Oh, he's from

the Ex-Girlfriends Relocation Organization.

- The what?

- It's very complicated, ma'am.

Allow me to explain.

The Ex-Girlfriends Relocation Organization

is an organization that relocates ex-girlfriends.

Gee, it's not really that complicated after all.

- No, it really isn't.

- Kirk, you want me to change my face, change my identity,

and leave town?

- Is that so much to ask?

- Kirk, you're just having problems dealing with the fact

that you've had a relationship that ended badly.

- Yes, nail on the head.

You see, I'm not a man who's good at dealing with failure.

Fortunately, I am a man who's independently wealthy.

Right now, I have an ex-girlfriend

who's a preacher in Texas

and another who's midget twins in the circus.

She travels. She's happy.

- You see, ma'am, Mr. Jachla--javhlajesson--

- Jackson! It's such an easy name!

- Jaaaackson...

just could not handle running into you

with a new, better-looking boyfriend.

- Kirk, this is ridiculous.

I mean, I know what you're trying to do,

but you're not going about it in a very healthy manner.

I think what we ought to do

is try and work this out and stay friends, okay?

- Sure, let's work on it.

That's a good idea. - Yeah.

- Come back to me, honey! I can't live without you!

- Kirk! - I'm half the man without you!

I'm a whiner without dignity.

I'll make your life hell.

- Will I ever see my parents again?

- No.

- Good, I'll do it.

- Ma'am, once you're located,

there's something you should know.

If you should ever hear the word "gazelle,"

be it on the telephone,

over the loudspeaker in a supermarket,

or printed in a telegram,

leave town and call this number in three hours...

unless, of course, you hear the word "gazelle"

in a nature documentary,

in which case just keep watching and enjoy.

I'll leave you two now to finish your meals

and take down the names of these witnesses

for future elimination.

- What?

- Of course, you know, none of this is really necessary.

We could work on this.

- Look, Kirk, I can't--

- Come back to me, honey!

I can't live without you! - Waiter, check, please!

- I'm half the man! - Hurry!

- I'm half the man!

- Evening, ladies.

[laughs]

- Yeah?

- Can we help you, eh?

- Yeah.

Yeah, I'm looking for a hooker with a heart of gold.

[laughs]

- Oh, okay. - Oh, yes.

- Yeah, you want Wendy.

She's three blocks down in front of Timmy's Doughnuts.

- Just down there.

- Three blocks.

Now, don't you let her give you a freebie.

- Thanks.

- Yeah, she's got to get paid sometimes, eh?

- Or else she'd just be a slut.

- Yeah, slut with a heart of gold.

What is that? That's nothing.

- No, that's...

slutty.

- I'm gonna slow things down a bit.

Where was the love my horoscope promised?

I had looked under my mattress, where I keep things hidden.

There was no love for me in the corridors of power.

I found no love in the bar.

Just songs about love and bourbon.

Lots of bourbon.

There was no love in volunteer work,

in "just being myself."

I found no love in bank line-ups,

in the sports section of my daily newspaper.

I found no love in the Canadian prairies,

just farmers.

Farmers with their own problems

and used farm equipment.

I did not find love on the phone,

just a network of the unloved

with something called "call waiting."

I did not find love at Eaton Center,

just bargain hunters

bargain hunting.

I found no love at the karaoke club, I think.

See, I couldn't make it inside.

No one needs love quite that badly.

There was no love in the VIP room of the Big Bop,

just me and a bowl of peanuts and Bryan Adams.

I talked to the bowl of peanuts all night,

if you know what I mean.

Would you believe I actually looked for love

in the health food store?

There, I only found women buying steroids disguised as sea kelp.

There was no love for me in the day care industry,

just hard women dressed in pink.

I found no love at the antique market,

just hopeless couples muttering about the family unit,

the family unit, the family--

shut up.

I found no love in burning the bottom of my feet

with Cigarellos,

just a certain amount of artistic satisfaction.

I found no love

in the hollowed-out belly of a dead elk,

just warmth

and quiet.

But then the questions.

"Hey, why are you

"in the hollowed-out belly of a dead elk?

Are you in there because of love?"

And always, "You know, if you're homeless, man,

you cannot sleep there."

There is no love in writing about love, only a deadline.

[rock music]

*

- You wanted to see me, Mr. White?

- Yes, Beth.

First of all, I'd like to welcome you

to Berman, Berman & Sloane,

and I hope you're enjoying your first day here.

- Oh, yes, sir, everyone's been really wonderful.

Thank you. - Great.

Now I want you to take a letter--oh, my God!

- Is there something wrong, sir?

- Uh, nothing.

It's just that I'm very... religious.

- Oh, fine.

You wanted me to take a letter?

- Yes, yes. Have a seat.

[sighs]

Have a seat, have a seat.

Okay, okay.

Dear sirs--uh, sir.

In reference to your tomatoes--

uh, letter of the fifth, I would like to fondle--

uh, respond by copping a feel--uh, admitting

that it was our fault the shipment was tits--

uh, late.

- Sir, I'm afraid that ever since I came in here,

you've done nothing but stare or make suggestive comments.

If it doesn't stop, I'm gonna have to file

a sexual harassment charge.

- What are you talking about?

Are you completely breasts?

I only boobed you in here to tit a letter.

Besides, hooters, I'm very happily milk from your breasts.

- That's it. I quit.

- What? Are you crazy, lady?

I didn't do a tits tomatoes hooters ta-tas!

Women!

And I thought it was time to hire a male assistant.

It is the 's, after all-- so they tell me, anyway.

Okay, let's write that letter. - Okay.

- Dear--God in heaven!

- What is it?

What is it, sir? Sir? Sir?

- Nothing. I'm just very religious.

Let's write that letter. - Okay.

- Dear penis,

I erection your letter of July the hard-boner.

I sack bag testes.

Sincerely yours, walking hard-on.

- So that's it? - Yes.

- Okay, I'll get right on it.

- Okay.

Good-looking kid.

- Hey, buddy.

- Want a date? Want a date?

- Sure.

- Okay. Here.

[both laughing]

We've been wanting to do that for years, eh?

- I was just thinking about having a date.

- Really? - What?

- Actually, I'm from Bahrain, and I'm here on business.

And I was just thinking about having a juicy date

from my tree back home.

- Really?

You just ruined our joke.

- Yeah. That's so rude, you know.

- Sorry.

- Like, why don't you just get lost, okay?

- Get out of here. Go on. Just get out of here.

Go back to Bahrain or wherever it is you're from.

[upbeat harpsichord and flute music]

*

- Cold enough for you, friend?

- It's a bit nippy.

- Bit of a nor'wester.

- Yeah.

Hey, thanks for the g*n.

- Oh, thanks for the coupons.

- You're welcome.

- Burt. - What?

- I can't feel my feet.

- Oh, no. Aren't your boots lined?

- Steel toes.

- You should have double-socked.

- I did.

- No, not with those. [laughs]

Hey, what are we hunting, again?

- Ducks. - Ducks, that's right.

And what do they look like?

- Oh, you'll know when you see one.

I've seen one. - Oh, yeah?

- At least, I think it was a duck.

I brought a picture.

- Oh, my God, they look awfully big.

- I hope they're not. - Yeah, me too.

[frog ribbits]

[both screaming]

Something was there.

- [laughs] Spot on.

- Oh, wow, I love this.

- It's fantastic.

- Hunting is great.

- The brochures were correct.

Burt? - Hmm?

- I feel calm here.

- Yeah, me too.

- I was here once before, you know.

- Yeah? - With Larry.

- Oh. Fishing?

- Uh-huh. - How was it?

- He was cruel. - Oh.

- The fish were jumping at everything.

- Oh, yeah.

[stomach growls]

- [laughs]

- Sorry.

- Hungry, friend?

- Yes. - It's time for tea.

- Okay. - Come on, let's have some tea.

Lookit. - Ooh.

- Cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut off, petit fours,

and of course the piece de resistance, tea.

Because it wouldn't be...

both: Tea without tea.

[both chuckle]

- Jasmine.

- Mmm, it smells wonderful.

[bird chirping]

[both screaming]

- Where? Where? Where is it?

Where?

- What were you going to do with that?

- Mercy Christmas, I don't know.

[laughs]

- Burt, my heart, it is racing.

- Mine too.

- First position. - First position.

- Imagine the noise when our g*ns go off.

- Oh, we'll wake the neighbors.

- Oh, bad.

[duck quacking]

[both screaming]

- k*ll it. k*ll it!

- Get it. Get it. Get it. Get it.

Get it! Get it! k*ll it!

k*ll it! That's it; k*ll it!

k*ll it! That's--k*ll, k*ll.

Wait, wait, I got it. I got it.

- [screams] - Sorry.

- My eye, my eye!

[duck splashes]

- Oh, primal.

- Oh, really?

Hey! Yeah?

I know you are, but what am I, huh?

Yeah, well, you're stupid!

- What's happened? What's happened?

What's happened?

- Some kid just called me a skanky old pig.

- Oh, that is--

oh, you--you are not skanky.

- I know.

You'd tell me if I got skanky, wouldn't ya?

- Of course I would tell you.

You told me when I started to get French.

- Well, what are friends for?

And wasn't it great for business?

- Yes.

- Hi, we're the Kids in the Hall.

I'm Mark.

[cheers and applause]

This is Dave, Bruce, and Scott.

- Hi.

- And Kevin.

- So what's next for the four of you?

- Five of us.

- Well, I guess we're just gonna take it easy for a while,

Mark, Dave, Scott, and I.

- And Kevin. I'm here.

There's five of us.

They love me in France.

- Hello, and welcome to zee "We Love Him in France" Festival.

My name is Claude Drole,

and tonight we pay tribute to a comedian extraordinaire,

Kevin McDonald,

or, as he is known and beloved in France, Le Poupee.

Now, you may wonder what "le poupee" means.

Well, roughly translated, it means "the poupee."

Now, here is Le Poupee at home,

demonstrating some of his priceless physical comedy.

Enjoy.

- Oh! Ow!

Oh! Oh-hoh-oh!

Ah, ah, ah!

The pain!

- Last summer, we invited Le Poupee

to play at the world-famous Paris Opera House.

[traditional accordion music]

*

[bicycle bell dings and car horns honk]

- The ,-seat theater sold out within an hour.

Anticipation ran very high.

[drumroll]

[La Marseillaise]

*

[cheers and applause]

- Bonjour!

A bienvenue au spectacle!

[laughter and applause]

Ah, spaghetti.

[laughter]

* La la, la la, la la, la la, la la, la *

[laughter]

[singing continues]

*

[laughter]

Zut alors!

[laughter]

[applause]

- When performing a joke, zee average comedian,

a Jay Leno or a Louie Anderson,

they would go from point "A," zee setup,

straight to point "B," zee punchline.

And, yes, they would be rewarded

with a laugh, for what that is worth.

But Le Poupee.

Le Poupee would go from point "A," zee setup,

and take a lovely drive down to zee woods,

where he would perhaps stop to feed zee ducks

or maybe take a dip into zee lake to refresh himself.

- 'Allo?

[laughter]

'Allo?

[sighs]

Pas de personne.

[laughter and applause]

- And then he would jump back into the comedy car

and he would drive around, completely bypassing point "B"

and ending up at the infinitely unpopular point "C"

simply because the baguettes are fresher and less expensive.

- Je ne retournerai jamais au restaurant encore.

[laughter]

[upbeat music]

Bonsoir!

[cheers and applause]

*

- To sum up, Le Poupee would not slip on a banana peel

for a laugh, no.

He would slip on it because he did not see it.

And a program note.

Tomorrow night's tribute to Pauley Shore has been cancelled.

As it turns out, they actually love him in America.

C'est incroyable!

Merci et bon nuit.

- How come there are only four of you?

- Five.

- Didn't you used to have a fifth member?

- They still do.

- What is that annoying squeaking sound?

- That's me.

- Uh, okay, thank you for all your great questions.

But I'm afraid we have to go.

We have a press conference.

Bye-bye. - Thank you.

- Good night.

- I, however, will answer all your questions.

I have lots and lots of time.

So, please, any questions you do--

You're the one that can see me?

f*cking Kids in the Hall.

"Join the troupe, join the troupe."

[muttering]