*
- Hi.
My name is Bob.
Are you drunk?
I am.
I'm hammered, and I want to talk to you.
So call me at:
That's -SLUT.
So if you've been drinking
and you just want to talk about stuff,
then give me a call.
I want to hear from you.
I should be able to stay up
until about : in the morning.
Don't keep me waiting.
[laid-back rock music]
*
- Okay. Okay. Okay.
Whoo-hoo! Whoo!
Yee-haw!
Whoo!
- What's the matter, Barry? Is something wrong?
- Hi! - Oh!
- Is he gonna be long on the horsey?
- Um, I'm afraid my son hasn't finished his ride yet.
- But--but I got to get on!
I got to get on!
- Why?
- 'Cause I have to do everything
like I did the day before.
- The day before? I'm sorry, I don't understand.
- Well, it's like this morning,
I got up, and I washed myself in the toilet
just like I did the day before, and--
and then I went to the bank, and I deposited $,
just like I did the day before,
and--and then I rode all day on the city bus
until the sun went down, just like I did the day before,
and then I came here,
and I drank two bottles of tequila under the loading dock,
just like I did the day before.
- Mom, can I have another quarter, please?
- No, no, it's my turn! I got to get on!
It's almost :!
- Why is it so important that you get on by
- Cause I'm masturbating.
- You're masturbating?
- Yeah, all day, and this is the last part, right?
- Oh, God.
- So get him off! Please, please.
- Barry, don't be frightened, just get off the horse.
- Are you Big Bird?
- No, but I want to meet him,
'cause the bearded lady says they call him Big Bird
'cause he's got a really big--
- Shut up!
Shut your filthy bird mouth!
- Yeah. You, too, eh?
Oh, no! I don't have a quarter!
I don't have a quarter! Can I please have a quarter?
- You want me to give you a quarter
so that you can masturbate in front of my child?
- Yeah.
- I'm getting someone in authority.
- Oh, good! I need someone to watch.
Oh, excuse me! Can I have a quarter, please?
Please, can I have a quarter?
- Grandpa, I want to see the big chicken ride the horsey.
- Okay.
Is this part of a mall promotion?
- Yeah!
- Okay. Here's a quarter.
There you go.
- Are you gonna watch?
- Well, if it doesn't take too long.
- Oh, great!
[moaning]
- Yay!
The big chicken's riding the horsey!
- [moaning]
Oh! Oh, yeah!
[booming]
[yipping]
- Well, that was the worst mall promotion I've ever seen.
Come on!
- There it is!
- I'm the assistant manager of Baskin-Robbins.
Come with me!
[booming]
- [yipping]
Bye, horsey.
See you tomorrow.
[twangy rock music]
*
- I've got nothing against old people.
Really. I mean, think about it.
It's really hard to be old.
Like the sands through the hourglass,
so go the days of our lives.
And if you're old, which I'm not yet,
you've got nothing to do but sit around and watch
the "Days of Our Lives," the soap opera.
I've seen it when I was sick.
It's really hard to be an old person.
Everything's moving so fast.
The sidewalk's like an obstacle course.
Your head is dry and flaky, like a rice cake.
Your hands don't work so good no more.
You wave at somebody, and you break your wrist.
Your life is-- how do I put it?
Narrowing?
Did I mention shrinking?
My Grandpa is shrinking.
He's a nice enough guy, but he's, like, shrinking.
You know, you can hear him shrink.
By the end of the day, his shoes won't even fit anymore.
It's kind of sad, actually, buying him children's clothes.
Tiny, little "Jurassic Park" sweatshirts.
Watch out, Grandpa, or the cat will eat you!
Not a tooth in his head!
Sitting there, shrinking, watching TV,
Grandma's ashes beside him in an urn,
he's getting too weak to even lift the lid off that urn.
But is it sad?
Okay.
I do have one thing against old people.
They are so lazy.
Yeah. I mean, they don't have jobs.
They're just, like, lazy.
It's : a.m.
You're still in your pajamas.
Is this place so clean?
Well, why don't you sweep the street?
Go build a barn.
I know, it's easy to say "go build a barn"
with all those old people shrinking so bad
they can't even hold tools.
But they did it in Lilliput, humming and singing.
There's actually one very cool thing about old people.
Man, can they do it.
You know, a guy reaches , candles, he can just do it.
Old people hump like squirrels.
You can hear the howling coming from the old folks' home,
or as they call it, "Humping Heaven Hotel."
Old people hump hours a day.
The other hour, they sit and shrink
and watch the "Days Of Our Lives."
[lively rock music]
*
- No, I've never been there,
but it sounds great.
I really should take the kids, you know?
They love skiing.
- Yeah, my kids loved it.
- Yeah, did they? - Yeah.
Well, I should get back to work.
- Yeah, me too.
Hey, Roger.
What's that? - Huh?
- Gotcha.
[laughs]
- Yeah, you got me.
- Yeah. See you later, Roger.
- Yeah, see you later.
Funny. Funny.
It wasn't that funny.
I don't know why everyone laughed so hard.
Just the oldest gag in the world, that's all.
I wonder why he picked on me.
It wasn't that funny.
What a pricky thing to do.
Embarrassed me in front of the entire staff like that.
Prick.
Look at his pricky face.
- [in slow motion] Hey, Roger.
What's that on your tie?
Gotcha.
Gotcha.
Gotcha.
Gotcha.
[slow-motion laughter]
Gotcha.
- Prick.
- Right away, the guy playing Santa Claus is hammered.
And I mean hammered.
- I hate him.
I hate him. I hate him.
I hate him.
I hate him. I hate him.
I hate him.
- Gee, you shouldn't do that to tuna.
- I hate him. I hate him.
- Simmons wants to see you, Phil.
- Really? Why?
- Oh, I don't know.
- Hey, big guy. What's up?
- Hey, Phil, what you got there?
Gotcha! - No.
[boom]
- Hey. How's it going?
- Well, it appears I'm no longer working here.
- Ha, ha, ha!
Starve, you bastard! Starve!
Go to the gutter and bring your children with you,
you unemployed loser!
Ha, ha, ha!
- Don't you think you were a little bit hard on him?
- Open your eyes.
He had it coming.
[dramatic musical flourish]
Get lost.
I'm working.
[rock music]
*
- Hi.
My name's Bob.
Are you hungover?
I am.
I can hardly breathe, let alone eat.
So call me at:
That's -SLUT.
Maybe you think you did something stupid,
and you can't remember.
Or you can remember,
and you have to apologize to people.
Either way, I want to hear from you.
I'm waiting.
- [grunting]
- Excuse me, Sasha. - Oh, yes?
- May I please speak with you?
- Oh, of course, Arlene. What is it?
- First of all, how was your workout?
- Oh, my workout class was great.
How was your workout?
- Fine, thank you.
And second of all, I noticed that, well,
you used that new Blind Melon song on your workout tape.
- Uh, so, and?
- Well, and, that, well,
it's been on my workout tape for quite some time.
- Yeah. Okay.
Well, please note that it's music,
and music belongs to everyone, all right?
- Eat me.
- I'd rather not, thank you.
- That is my song.
- Please note that music is the international language.
Okay? - No.
Bull is the international language,
and you speak it quite fluently.
- You're ugly. - You're fat.
- Your face and hands are weird.
- Your knees are all saggy.
- Nice monkey ears. - Come on.
This is starting to get personal.
- Okay.
Yeah, well, let's settle this like the professional
step-class schoolteachers that we are.
Okay? - Okay, fine.
The facts are that you're copying me,
and I want it to stop.
- You know what? Take me to "The People's Court."
- No, please, Sasha.
Don't trivialize this.
You always steal my stuff.
If it wasn't for me, your class would be doing jumping jacks
to the soundtrack from "Flashdance."
- Oh, really, Arlene? - Yeah.
- What about this?
Whoo!
Huh? - What?
- My lunge! You've been doing my lunge.
- I don't know what you're talking about.
- Oh, yeah, right.
- Come on. Let's not fight.
- Okay. - Okay?
- All right. - Okay.
Thank you for taking that song off your workout tape.
- I'm not doing that.
- You skunt.
- You skank.
- You boot. - You slut.
- You mutt. - Nice mustache.
- Hey, this is starting to get personal.
- Hold it. Hold it, ladies.
Jeez.
What is going on here?
I would like to know.
There are women and men out there
waiting to do a step class.
Huh?
- Well, I'm not going until Sasha compromises
and I get my way. - Look at her.
- Oh, shut up. What's the issue?
- Well, she saw my song-- - Well, I think she's upset
because she's got those incredible childbearing hips.
- Uh! Leather-face!
- Hold it!
You two are starting to act like a couple of spinsters!
- You witch. - You bitch.
- You're a scritch. - You scrag.
- You hag. - You bag.
- You slag. - Furry arms.
- Germ farm. - Sperm sponge.
- Hold it now!
You two are starting to get personal!
Stop it!
Are you two behaving
like step-class school professionals
or common skanks?
both: Skanks.
- Yeah, I thought so.
Now, I'm gonna go back out there,
I'm gonna get that class to lie on their backs,
feel their breath,
imagine they're on a desert island,
and when I'm done,
somebody better be out there making that class step!
- She's right. Let's not fight.
- Yeah; let's settle this like adults.
- Okay.
Thank you for taking that song off your workout tape.
- I'm not doing that.
- There's something in your hair.
- Where? What is it?
- My hand!
- [shrieks]
No!
No! Ah! Ow!
Oh, yeah. You can do that.
Work off some of that ass while you're at it.
That big ass!
- What ass?
[rock music]
*
- Hi. My name's Jimmy.
Do you got a guy who, when you were really drunk,
you said could stay at your place for a few days,
but now you're sober,
and he's been there for a month,
and he won't go away?
Is he drinking all your booze?
Well, call me at:
That's -SLUT.
I'm gonna kick him out today.
I don't care that he's got no place to go, right?
'Cause, I mean, this--
this place may be a dump, but it's my dump, right?
So if he can't get it together enough to get his own dump,
well, that's his problem.
So call me.
I'm waiting just for you.
- I hope you two aren't vegetarians.
- Oh, no, I'll eat anything,
and Chuck just adores poultry.
- Good, 'cause that's what we're having.
- Here we are.
Chicken a la fantastique.
- Mmm.
Stephen, it smells fantastique.
- Well, you have utensils.
Enjoy.
Here, lover.
You carve.
Excuse me.
- I'm so glad you two could come.
Stephen's been wanting to meet you for so long,
and I can tell he really likes you.
- Ah, well, we really like him, too, don't we, Chuck?
- Good.
It's important to me that you like him.
I want you to see how we live, who we are,
and how we love.
- Ugh, honey!
Honey!
Did you miss me?
[smacking lips]
Well, I couldn't eat a thing.
I'm exhausted from cooking all day.
Everybody enjoying the meal? - Mmm.
- Hmm? Hmm? Good, good.
Mm, Chuck? Good.
Because that's what's important, hmm?
For people to enjoy a meal that's cooked.
Not for the cook to enjoy the meal.
Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.
- We heard you went to Arizona last year.
- Mm-hmm! Mm-hmm!
- Yeah, well, we're hoping to go to Arizona next year.
Chuck and I want to collect Indian artifacts.
- Well, yes.
Lots of Indians.
Lots of Indian artifacts.
Mm-hmm. Mm.
Excuse me.
- Jason. - Mm-hmm?
- Does Stephen have... a lazy bladder?
- No, he's just, um, needed elsewhere.
- For what? What's he doing?
- Well, it's a big place, and we're always renovating.
You know what they say, Chuck.
Renovations wait for no man.
- Well, he seemed awfully agitated.
- He's just nervous about meeting the two of you.
He wants so much to impress.
[glass shattering]
- That darn cat!
- I thought you had a dog.
- We did!
But the cat ate the dog, the dog ate the frog,
the frog ate the fly, I think I'll die!
[laughs]
Oh! Mm.
Well, I do enjoy a nursery rhyme, don't you, Chuck?
I--I guess it's because it reminds us
of when we were all in the nursery.
Huh? Well.
Hmm? Why the long faces?
Enjoy.
- Stephen. - Yes?
- Are you okay?
- I'm fine. I'm perfect.
Olivia and I talked all about Arizona,
and there's been no problem.
As usual, you're overreacting.
Excuse me.
- Just a minute. - Huh?
- Where are you going?
- [sniffs]
Don't give me that hairy eyeball, Jason.
No, I was not doing cocaine!
Hmm.
For your information, I've been--mm--
blotting my forehead 'cause it's so shiny.
I can't have our guest seeing their reflections
every time they look at me.
They deserve so much more.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
the stress has made my forehead shinier than ever.
- So...
how's that Guatemalan woman's visa application coming along?
- We're hoping for speedy results.
This is an important matter of justice.
- Good. Good.
- [sniffing]
[gasping]
Perfect.
- I'm just so glad you two could come tonight.
- You've already said that.
- Well, that's because I mean it.
[sobbing]
- Oh, Jason.
What's wrong? - Nothing.
Just my whole life!
- Oh.
Jason, love is hard whether you're straight or gay.
- He's horrible to me, but I love him so.
- Well, horrible is something.
[gasping, tube wheezing]
- Yes?
That time I was doing cocaine.
Well, you drove me to it.
Anyway, I'm--I'm famished.
Or is it victimized?
I always get those two mixed up, huh?
Anyways, I could eat a horse.
Or is it get on one and ride out of town?
- Stephen, I won't have you doing dr*gs in my house.
- It's my house.
- Isn't this an apartment?
both: Town house!
- Anyway, it's a party, isn't it, Chuck?
I mean, Chuck thinks you're a pill, don't you, Chuck?
I mean, after all, everyone thinks you're a pill,
and why don't you just get with the program,
Smitty, old boy?
Chuck? Huh? Uh-huh?
- Well... - Uh-huh? Huh? Huh?
Chuck, huh? Chuck, huh?
- Chuck. - Chuck, Chuck?
- Chuck, you're not going to do cocaine, are you?
- Well...
- Chuck. Chuck?
- I'm sorry, Olivia.
He has his effect on people.
- Oh, that's all right.
Chuck's a free agent.
- When he comes downstairs, Olivia,
I'm going to stay to Stephen-- I'm going to say,
"It's either me or the coke."
- Good for you.
- What are you going to do, Olivia?
- Nothing. It's just a line of coke.
- Well.
Chuck and I are off to the bars, hmm?
Chuck--hmm--Chuck wants an adventure in the gay zone.
You two continue to party, build yourselves a bonfire,
call a refugee, and give her some advice.
We're off. Ta!
- I need a peppermint brandy.
Would you like one?
- Oh, maybe just a little one.
- My God, I'm as bad as he is!
*