05x14 - Episode 14

[bunniefuu]

[siren wailing and typewriter clacking]

- So what do you think of all this madness

that's happening in L.A., eh?

- Rollerblading?

- No, they're looting.

- People are looting on Rollerblades?

It's--it's amazing.

I mean, they're gonna pick up stuff,

and they're on those blades,

and they're gonna cr*ck their friggin' skulls open.

You know, in L.A., I've heard that

some people don't even wear helmets.

It's so freaky in that town.

No, I--look at, uh, where I am partner.

- Okay.

[laid-back rock music]

*

[laughter]

- That's so true. Cats are like that.

- [laughing] I know.

[both laughing]

Ah, gosh, I'm having such a good time.

- Me too.

- You know, I've really been looking forward to tonight.

You're probably not aware of this, but, uh,

I've had kind of a crush on you for some time now.

- Yeah, I kind of thought so.

- [chuckles] Oh, yeah, huh?

Gee, and I thought I was playing my cards so close to my chest.

- Oh, you were.

You were just holding them the wrong way around.

[both laughing]

- Ah, gosh, you're beautiful, Kathie.

- Ah, thank you.

- [sighs]

- Barry.

- Yes, Kathie?

- Your ear's bleeding.

- Huh?

Is it? What?

Oh, God, you're right.

It is bleeding just a little bit, isn't it?

You know, I'm sure it's nothing.

Let's not let this ruin our evening, okay?

What do you-- what do you say we order now?

Let's--let's just--let's--

You know, maybe we can just order.

- Good evening.

May I tell you about the specials, and...

can I get you something for your ear?

- My ear's fine, thanks.

- Okay, fine.

This evening's specials:

the fowl is chicken,

the seafood is fish,

the meat is beef,

and the soup is curried.

all: Mmm. - That sounds very good.

I think we need a few minutes to decide

and in the meantime, can we can a bottle of Faustino, please?

- Right away, sir.

- Thank you very much.

Ah. - Barry...

Maybe we should call the date off just for now

and then maybe take you to the hospital.

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I won't hear of it. I really--

It's just--it's nothing. It's nothing at all.

I assure you it's nothing.

You know what it probably is?

I've had a bit of a cold lately.

This is probably just from the cold.

- I've never heard of a bleeding ear as a cold symptom.

- Might just be turning into the flu. I don't know.

[laughing] [murmurs indistinctly]

Kathie, is it just me, or is it insanely freezing in here?

- I feel good.

- I just can't get warm all of a sudden.

- Sir, would you like to try the wine?

- The wine? Oh, sure.

Oh! Okay, here we go.

[smacking lips]

It's salty, but I like it.

[chuckles]

- Barry, I really think we should go.

- Huh?

[blood spurts]

Oh, it's about the ear, right?

Look, all right, Kathie, let me tell you what.

[blood spurts] I'll just turn sideways.

Then you won't be able to see the ear,

and we can just relax

and enjoy a lovely evening together,

and it's like nothing's even wrong, okay?

Ah.

Aww. Kathie.

Now, this really bugs me.

I mean, here we are.

We're in the middle of a recession,

and I feel that there are people starving all over the world,

and this restaurant

sees fit to serve food to empty tables.

The waste, Kathie.

The waste of it!

- Barry. Barry!

- Wow, a talking cat.

- It's me, Kathie.

- [strained] Oh, hi, Kathie!

- Barry, please let me drive you to the hospital.

- Aw. I'll drive you to the hospital.

- I'll drive you to the hospital.

- No, I'm gonna drive you to the hospital.

- Sir, I'm gonna drive you straight to the hospital.

- No, I'm gonna drive you to the hospital.

Oh, Kathie, streetlights are on.

I better be getting home, or my mom's gonna k*ll me.

[head thuds]

- I better drive him to the hospital.

- Yes, I'll drive him right to the hospital.

- No, no, he's my date. I'll drive him to the hospital.

- Yeah, but actually, I work here,

so I'll drive him to the hospital

- Oh, never mind. He's dead.

Well, what do you do?

[solemn choral music]

*

- [echoing] Come into the light.

- Huh?

- [echoing] Your suffering is at an end.

Come into the light.

- Is this about the ear?

- [echoing] Just come into the light.

- 'Cause really, it's nothing.

- [echoing] Look. I know what I'm doing.

- But really, I'm fine. I'm fine.

I mean, look, see, it stopped bleeding already.

Can you...

- [echoing] That's because you're dead.

Now come into the light.

- Nah, I'm fine.

- [echoing] Fine, I'm not going to beg.

[whooshing]

- So I should just be getting back to Earth then, now?

Okay.

So, um, uh, which way should I, uh...

Uh-oh.

[laid-back rock music]

*

[audience laughing]

[cheers and applause]

- [laughs] Baby. - Whoo!

- I'm a bikini inspector.

It's not a joke.

I inspect bikinis.

It's my job.

You know, I see a lot of guys on the beach

wearing bikini inspector T-shirts,

but they're not real bikini inspectors.

They just wish they were for some weird reason.

I don't know why anyone would pretend

to be a bikini inspector.

It's a menial job.

You got to take a bus there every day.

There's an hour right there.

You work in a dank factory.

You got to inspect , or , units.

Your eyes start to go buggy and squinty.

Shift work too, you know?

And for that, you make-- well, let's just say

the amount of money I make's my own business,

although I do make somewhere around $. an hour.

Bikini inspector.

The only job worse than that is a job I had

in Collingwood, Ontario,

workin' in the woods.

I was on the beaver patrol.

[laughter]

Rotten job, mud in your boots,

traipsin' through the underbrush looking for beaver dams

that are clogging up the irrigation system.

One beaver even bit my thumb.

But it's all par for the course on the beaver patrol.

You know, I'd go out after work, beaver bites all over my thumbs,

go to a bar for a quick drink,

and I'd see guys there wearing T-shirts

that said my job on 'em,

but not like other rotten jobs like fry cook

or night security guard at an out-of-the-way mall.

So I'd be sitting there,

trying to find pride in my work,

wearing my beaver patrol T-shirt,

and the women stare at you.

Well, I'm sorry, ma'am, if I'm not a doctor,

but them's the breaks.

One woman even bit my thumb.

But I'm getting out of here,

trying to get on as a muff diver.

[laughter and cheers]

Read it on a T-shirt.

I don't know what it is, but that job

can't be much worse than what I'm doing now, eh?

Yeah?

Yeah.

[cheers and applause]

- Hey, rookie, what's on your mind?

- I was wondering. - Hmm?

- Have you sirs ever fired your g*ns in anger?

- You mean at each other?

- No, in a situation with a criminal.

both: Oh... [both murmur indistinctly]

- No, no, I don't think so. - No, no, no.

- No. Ha-ha, no. - Oh, that's not right.

[both laughing]

- Oh.

- Yeah. [both laughing]

[funky music]

*

[relaxed dance music]

- [speaks indistinctly]

*

- I love you.

- I love you too. - I know.

- Two more Susan Luccis boys?

- No. Not tonight.

Let's have two Heather Locklears.

- Oh. both: We're feeling blonde.

- Two Locklears.

- Buddy. - Mm.

- Did you know that it was our anniversary tonight?

- No. - Yes.

- Well, felicitas-yon.

- Thank you.

- So how long have you two lovebirds been together?

- Three years.

- [gasps] Three years? Oh.

I once knew someone for three days.

- We're so in love. - Ah.

- But we have no legally sanctioned way

to show it to the world.

- Ugh, I know. We're so lucky.

- No.

Buddy, you don't understand.

We want to.

- Are we talking marri-age here?

- Yes. - Oh, we would if we could.

All we need is a minister that would do it.

- A minister?

Well, I used to be an Anglican minister.

Yes!

In fact, I still have my collar.

Thanks.

You know what?

I can still perform marriages

as long as they don't practice h*m*

during the ceremony.

It's so I won't come on to the groom.

- So what made you leave, Buddy?

- I came on to the groom.

- Dare we?

- We dast not. - Yes.

- Here we are. There we are.

- Buddy? - Yes?

- Would you marry us?

- Marry you?

Well, it wouldn't be legal, per se.

- But it's the symbolism that's important.

- [sighs] I do love a good cymbal.

It's the only instrument I can play.

- Oh, please, Buddy, would you do it?

- Well, I don't know.

I mean, it's not like we're that busy,

and, well, I do happen to have some bridal wear handy,

left over from fetish night.

Here, put these on.

Remember, you lose % of your heat

from the top of your head, you know.

Now, we're going to need ourselves a Bible.

Where am I gonna find that?

Oh, this will do.

"The Way Things Ought to Be"-- I hate him!

I was gonna use that title for my book.

Oh, well. And now we need a bridesmaid.

- sh**t.

- He'll do. [solemn organ music]

Oh, look, some music.

Mmm.

Exciting, isn't it? - Yeah.

- Okay.

[inhales sharply]

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here today under the eyes of God,

that fat, black lesbian in the sky,

to unite these two men...

- David. - And...

- David. - I knew it.

In holy matrimony.

If anybody objects, please speak now or forever hold your peace.

Well, I object. both: What?

- I'm sorry.

I just don't think marriage works for anybody,

except maybe lesbians.

I mean, let's face it. We're ----.

The world hates us.

Why ruin a good thing?

- We're not ----, Buddy.

- Buddy, we don't like that term.

- Oh. - We prefer "gay."

- Well, I prefer "sodomite."

It goes along with my concept that the world is a big jail.

- What's the matter, Buddy?

Sounds to me like someone's bitter.

- Bitter. - Bitter? No, I'm not bitter.

I'm just lashing out over the recession.

Business isn't good, and now I'm forced to performing

marriage ceremonies for free.

- Oh, we'll pay you. - Oh.

I now pronounce you David and David.

You may now kiss the bride--

kiss the groom-- kiss the groom.

[cheers and applause]

- Buddy, thank you. - Oh.

- You don't know how happy you've made us.

We've been waiting so long to have sex.

- David, you forgot something.

- Oh, uh, yes. Thank you, Buddy.

- Thank you. - Baa!

- Whoo! - Baa!

- Whoo! - Baa!

- Ugh.

I feel like a prost*tute.

Why is it that when I was a minister,

everything I ever did made me feel like a prost*tute,

and when I was a prost*tute,

everything I ever did made me feel holy?

It reminds me of a line

that Oscar Wilde once stole from me.

Mmm.

"I may be lying in the gutter,

but I'm staring up at the stars, honey."

The "honey" was mine.

[mouthing words]

[upbeat music]

*

[doorbell rings]

- Mm. - Dappy?

- Yes, sweaty?

- Dappy, Gary's here.

- Oh, good.

I finally get to moot your boyfriend.

- It's good to finally meet you, master mate.

- This scene was written in haste

by a tired, overworked writer,

in order to meet a deadline.

- [screams]

- Do not adjust your set.

These mistakes are real.

- [grunts]

- It's good to finally moot you, Bark.

Now take those rubber boobs off and have a seat.

- Of course, master mate.

I don't want to get any dilt on your floop.

- [laughing]

Enough of all this jab-da-wab-da-dab-da.

Have a seat here in my favorite chain.

- Okay.

Hey, it's comfy. - [laughing]

- Would anyone like a cop of coffee?

[liquid splashing]

- No, thank you.

- No, thank youp.

The only priblum is, Bark,

that's not my daughter;

that's my woof.

- Cut to the father

k*lling the boyfriend

with a Kn*fe.

[growls]

[ominous music]

- Dappy!

[all shouting indistinctly]

*

[dramatic musical flourish]

*

- You happy, Brian?

We finally did your stupid scene.

- You happy now, huh?

- You gonna run that spell-checker from now on?

[sighs]

- You've never looked sexier.

- Mm-hmm.

[cheers and applause]

[energetic music]

*

[jazzy music]

*

[flame roars]

*

[car alarm chirps]

*

- Wow.

[percussive music]

*

[car alarm blaring]

[electronic whirring and beeping]

[mechanical whirring, engine turns over]

[electronic beeping]

[suspenseful music]

*

[engine revving]

*

[engine revs]

*

[engine revving]

[whimpering]

[tires squealing]

*

- [smooching]

- [whimpering]

*

[siren wailing]

Oh.

[clicking and banging]

[panting]

[door clicks]

[ominous music]

*

[suspenseful music]

*

[ominous music]

[whimpers] No.

[phone rings]

[suspenseful music]

[ringing continues]

Hello?

- [electronic voice] Hello.

- Who is it?

- [electronic voice] This is the car.

- [gasps]

*

[line beeping]

[phone rings]

Shut up.

*

[phone ringing]

[electronic beeping]

*

Hello?

- [electronic voice] This is the car.

- Hello? What car?

- [electronic voice] The car you tried to steal.

- I never tried to steal no car.

- [electronic voice] Come outside.

- [whimpering] But why?

- [electronic voice] Come outside.

- I can't.

I'm in the shower.

I'm the shower...

in the shower, in the shower, shower.

- [electronic voice] Analysis indicates you are lying.

- [sobbing] I'm sorry.

- [electronic voice] Come outside,

or law enforcement will be alerted.

*

- Law enforcement?

[ominous music]

[engine droning]

Hello?

Car?

[window whirring]

[mechanical whirring]

- [electronic voice] Please apologize now.

- What?

- [electronic voice] Apologize to the car.

- I'm not apologizing to no car.

[engine revving and tires squealing]

[ominous music]

[electronic beeping and whirring]

[engine revving]

*

[tires squealing]

- [whimpering]

[speaking indistinctly]

Please don't! Please!

Please, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I apologize for trying to steal you.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

And I'm stupid, stupid,

stupid, stupid, stupid.

[sobbing]

- [electronic voice] Your apology

has been accepted.

[tires squeal]

[engine revving]

[engine revving and tires squealing]

[electronic warbling] - Oh, no, no, no!

[snoring] Please don't! Please!

[grunting] Please! Please, I'm sorry!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I tried to steal you.

[warbling]

Oh, no, no, no! [electronic warbling]

Please don't! Please!

Please! Please, I'm sorry!

[grunts] I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I tried to steal you.

[warbling]

Oh, no, no, no! [electronic warbling]

Please don't! Please!

Please! Please, I'm sorry!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I tried to steal you.

[warbling]

Oh, no, no, no! Please don't! Please!

Please! Please, I'm sorry!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I tried to steal you.

I'm sorry... Shut up.

I'm so stupid, stupid... Shut up!

Stupid, okay?

[warbling]

Oh, no, no, no!

Please don't! Please!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[laid-back rock music]

**

**