05x15 - Episode 15

[bunniefuu]

[funky music]

*

- Oh, I give up.

I'm leaving, this place holds nothing for me.

- Oh, give it a chance.

- Oh, come on.

- I mean, what about that guy?

- Oh.

Oh. Well, his suit is nice.

- Mm-hmm.

- Ooh, a Cyclops.

- Gorgeous.

- Mmm. Dig the baby blue.

He's looking at you.

- No, he's looking at you.

- No, he's looking right between us.

Oh.

He's so conceited.

- Let's get out of here.

- He's probably gay, anyways.

- Well, you know the Greeks. - Oh.

[funky music]

[laid-back rock music]

*

- [humming]

[continues humming]

[smacks lips]

- So, uh, what were you doing there?

- Uh, I was thinking about...

Inventory.

You know, uh, cups and toilet paper and...

licorice.

You know,

inventory.

- Okay, good work.

- Let's continue.

[freezer humming]

- [sighs]

[door slides shut]

Well, it's really late there, you know.

I was falling asleep.

I always stick my head in the freezer

so I won't fall asleep.

- May I suggest that, in the future,

you do your sleeping during the daytime

when you work the night shift?

- Hey, hey, hey, look.

At least he's not drinking the

company coffee to stay awake.

- Good point.

- Look, if you're gonna stick your head

in the freezer to stay awake,

I suggest you keep it to under a minute.

It's more energy-efficient.

Okay? - Okay.

I will.

- Can we move on? - Yeah.

- Excuse me. - Yes?

- Do you have any straws left?

- No.

- No? There's none left in the container

over there, I just need a straw.

- Please, sir, I don't want any trouble.

- Trouble?

What're you talking about? Do you have straws, or--

- I said I don't have any straws.

- Look, I just need a-- - Would you get out?

I don't have any straws!

- I'm sorry. - Okay?

- Okay.

- Go!

[panting]

This job's getting worse.

Come on back, man!

If you're so big!

If you're so bi--

- We're all a little concerned about

how you reacted in that situation.

- You can't see it from the angle

of the camera, but he had shifty eyes.

He had cr*ck eyes.

Man, this guy was a crackhead.

- What's this cr*ck?

- [whispering indistinctly]

- Oh, the new stuff?

- Mm-hmm. - Okay.

In that case, I think you were way too slow.

Listen, that guy could've gotten off

a couple of sh*ts before you had the

time to say "self defense."

- Yeah, so in the future,

sh**t first; ask questions later

with these crackheads.

- sh**t first. Ask questions later.

- Mm-hmm. - Got it.

- Okay, I think we only have one more

piece of tape to review before

we give you our decision, okay?

- Is this it?

[farting]

- No, that's not it.

- Is this it here?

- No, I've seen this.

- No, uh...

This? No. - No, I remember the dog.

It's after the dog.

- Are you sure it's after the dog?

I think we missed him.

Yeah, I think it--

I think it must be earlier. - No, no, it's coming up.

- No, I think you missed it--

- Oh, there! - They're really nice.

$.

[paper crinkling] - I only have a .

Can you break it?

- Oh, sure.

You big pain in the ass.

[register beeping]

[register opening]

- Thank you.

Come again.

- Thank you.

- [beep] face.

- Oh, there it is. - There it is.

- Okay. Okay, now...

Correct me if I'm wrong, but,

is this the, uh-- is this the finger?

Are you giving the finger?

- But he had the change. I know he had the change.

My gut told me-- he had the change.

- Look, uh, we reviewed the tape

several times, and I'm sorry.

I'm afraid we just can't give you that

¢ an hour raise you wanted.

- But how am I going to live on $. an hour?

- What, like an extra ¢

is going to get you that car you always wanted?

[both laughing]

- [farts]

[rock music]

*

[heavy footsteps]

[rooster cawing] - Come on, Bessie.

[grunting] Let's get at her.

[cow mooing]

[grunts]

What the--

[foreboding music] [piano keys twinkling]

What?

[grunting]

*

Well. [cow mooing]

Look it there.

Lucky penny.

[cow mooing]

[smacking] Oh!

[thudding]

- So what you're saying, Doc, is...

He ain't never gonna come out of it?

- No, I never said that.

- Oh. - No.

Uh, what I said was,

there's a good chance he might come out if it.

We just don't know when.

Could be a couple of days.

Could be a couple of-- - By dang it, look!

Brother Ned's plumb come out of it!

- Oh, he's sitting up, there.

[rhythmic percussive music]

*

- Ned, you mind passing me the salt?

*

[metal thudding]

[thudding]

[metal thudding]

*

[door opening]

[crickets chirping]

- Well, he appears to be having

some diff-ick-ulty, uh, getting the salt.

No, no, you can get the salt pretty good.

You're saying there's nothing we can do?

- No, I never said that.

I said, "There's nothing we can do."

- That's what I said you said.

- Oh, did I?

I'm sorry, you called me

in the middle of a party.

I'm a little drunk. Good luck!

[giggling] [phone slamming]

[crashing]

[thudding]

- Could be worse. Could've used to be smart.

- I got an idea.

[smacking, cow mooing]

[crickets chirping]

- I don't know what went wrong.

Always seemed to work on "The Flintstones."

[rock music]

*

[accordion music]

Fabio was on my flight that day.

Of course it was a flight to L.A.

"Fabio's here, Fabio's here!

My God, it's Fabio!"

And those were the guys.

Everyone, everyone, everyone knew who he was.

And I thought to myself,

"Huh! It's a Fabio world."

It's a big, strong-jawed,

blond hair blowing in the wind,

rose for the lady,

"Are you two sisters?"

Fabio world.

"Fabio's on board, he's eating a

"small package of salted peanuts.

I wish he would eat me!"

And those were the guys.

It is a Fabio world, but you know what?

It's also a Brucio world.

*

I am Brucio!

I fall asleep with the TV on.

I hate reggae music.

I am Brucio!

I eat spaghetti for breakfast.

I call my mom collect.

She doesn't care.

She knows I'm Brucio!

I get drunk and cynical.

Twice a year, I get so drunk, I piss the bed!

But I don't care, because I am Brucio.

*

As we deplane,

which is a fancy word for

"get off the plane now,"

there was Fabio.

I couldn't believe he was still on board.

I thought that somehow he would

have got there ahead of us.

He was with a man with a sign that said, "Fabio."

I went with a man that had the sign that said, "Taxi."

And as we were picking up our luggage,

our eyes locked, and he gave me a look as if to say:

"I am Fabio.

"I stand before you strong,

"but inside, I am Fabio,

"merchant of self-loathing.

"I will be discarded one day, Bruce,

"in the bin with Rico Suave and--

"and the good-looking guy from CHiPs.

"Every time I kiss a quivering girl's hand,

"I ask myself, 'Fabio?

"'Is this your last one?

"But you are Brucio and always shall be!'"

[accordion music]

*

- Ow! - Ah!

- Hi!

- Tim.

Tim O'Neil.

- Yes, yes, Mona Daycus, it is Tim O'Neil.

Long time no see, eh?

- Yeah, I--

Gosh, I haven't seen you since

well, since high school.

You haven't changed.

- Yes, I'm very lucky in that

I've always looked .

So I guess you're wondering what I'm doing here.

- Well...

- I mean, we haven't seen each other in years.

We were casual friends in high school.

You're married and have two children.

I'm married. I don't have any children.

But I honestly blame my wife.

I don't think I'm sterile at all.

I meant to think that part.

- So, um...

What is it you want, Tim?

- Well, I ran into Kathy Davidson the other day.

- Oh, Kathy! Oh, gosh.

Oh, she was, like, my best friend in high school.

- I know, we got to talking,

the conversation drifted over to you,

and, well, I admitted that I had a crush on you

back in high school.

- Oh, yeah?

- And, well, Kathy said

that you also had a crush on me.

- Oh, no.

- And so, here I am!

- Tim, um...

High school was a very long time ago,

and it's important to remember that,

no matter what we felt back then,

people do change.

- I know, I know.

Let's make love!

Let's do it right now!

Let's do it right here on the floor.

Come on!

- Tim, please.

- We got to!

I like you. You liked me.

But I didn't know. Now I know.

Come on. Let's do it!

Don't worry about getting pregnant.

I'm sterile. I lied!

- Tim, I just don't feel that way about you anymore.

I'm sorry.

- But it's not fair!

It's not fair!

- Look, Tim, I don't care.

I'm afraid you have to leave.

My husband's gonna be home any minute.

He's taking me out for my birthday.

- Don't you see, Mona?

We have a chance to right a wrong here.

We have a chance, not unlike

the crew of the Starship "Enterprise,"

to go back into time and correct

an error from the past.

Come on, Mona! Let's pretend!

- What are you talking about, Tim?

- Mona, we're sling-shotting

around the Sun back in time!

- Don't be an idiot.

- Did you do your homework?

Man, "Alien" is a cool movie.

I wonder what the 's will be like?

Hey, let's screw!

Yeah, screwing would be deadly!

I dig you. You dig me.

- Dug you! Dug you!

I dug you!

And now I have buried you

in my past, do you understand?

- But it's not fair!

We should've had sex! We should've had sex!

- Tim, are you going to leave?

- No, 'cause it's not fair!

- Fine then, Tim, I'm leaving.

- And I'm going to be back in

five minutes with a cop.

- She's bluffing. She wouldn't call the pigs.

Not the Mona I know.

Huh?

I'll give her something special to come home to.

This is a good plan.

[door clicks shut]

[humming]

all: Surprise!

- Hey, who the hell are you?

- Get him!

[smacking, Tim whimpering]

- It's not fair!

[rock music]

*

- [sighing] Ruby?

Would you like some more coffee, dear?

- [Scottish accent] Oh, no thank you, Franny.

And, by the way, I like my coffee with water,

nay just crystals.

- Oh!

Glory me. Where's my head?

[laughing]

Here, have a Peek Frean, then.

- Fran, that's a plate of hair.

- Oh, that's for dinner.

- Fran?

Is there something troubling you, pet?

You seem a little bent out of shape.

- Yeah, Ruby, I'll tell you--

something is going on. - Oh.

You know, every night,

I'm going to bed earlier than usual.

Yet I wake up completely exhausted.

I feel like a cat in a microwave.

Oh, yeah.

- Franny.

This puts me in mind of a

chilling Scottish yarn me mother used to spin

back home in Glen Carathgary.

- Ooh! - Yeah.

It seems that the horses of the village of Glen Carathgary

were discovered every morning

to be covered in mud and sweat

as if they'd been ridden all night,

but nobody had ridden them.

Not even the village moron, Glenda.

Ick! [scoffs]

The legend says that the horses

were being taken at night by the banshees

to fight their eternal battles

against the fairies of Aberdundeen.

Maybe, Fran, because of your, um,

horsely features, you're being

ridden at night by the banshees!

- Do I really look like a horse?

- Oh, just your face, love.

- Oh.

You know, Ruby, I have to

confess something to you:

I am so jealous of you.

- Oh! Go on, you.

- Well, you know, it's because--

you know, you're Scottish, and you've got all these

lovely tales and yarns and remedies

from the old country.

And they sustain me. - Ah, yes.

- You know, what've I got? Nothing.

- Oh, nonsense, Fran.

Your heritage is Scottish, isn't it?

- Well, I think it is.

- Fran, you don't think you're Scottish.

You know!

- Oh, jeez, Ruby.

- What, what, what?

- Oh, I'm going to confess something to you.

- Oh, Franny. - This is hard.

Ruby, I'm a foundling.

- You're a foundling? - Yup.

For all I know, I could be Italian.

- Oh, Fran!

[speaking Gaelic] [spitting]

I don't think so!

- Well, Ruby.

The story goes that, one night,

my parents found me outside their doorstep

wrapped up in farmer sausages.

And, you know, it was the Depression

and there were no social services then,

so they took me in and they raised me as their own.

- Fran. - Yup?

- This puts me in mind

of another chilling Scottish yarn.

The ones that my mother used to tell me

about the fairies of Aberdundeen

who, as I'm sure you know, were eternally pregnant.

You see, all a male fairy had to do

was whisper the word, and the girl would

find herself in the family way.

So, in order to deal with their population expl*si*n,

they were constantly leaving their wee ones

on the doorsteps of mortals

wrapped in farmer sausages.

- Oh?

- The coincidence is too much!

Fran, you're a fairy!

- Oh!

- And it's the best heritage of all, pet--

Well, next to being Scottish.

- Oh, what a fine how-do-you-do.

- Oh, my God, and moreover,

they say that when a foundling

goes through the change of life,

as I'm sure you must be by now, pet,

that the fairies will return

to take her back to Fairyland.

- What'll I wear? - Oh!

- Fran, it doesn't matter,

you're going to Fairyland!

- Oh, really, Ruby?

- No, Fran, no.

God, you're so naive.

I'm pulling your leg!

None of these stories are true.

- No? - No!

- They're not true? - No!

- Well, then, what's the point of all your

yarns and tales and such?

- Well, to pull people's legs.

You know we Scots just love to tease.

- Well, I don't find that funny.

I don't.

I like my humor more physical.

You know, like jumping around,

falling down on fruit,

passing wind.

- Fran...

You are Italian!

- Mama mia! - Where'd that come from?

- I don't know! - [gasping]

Fran, this puts me in mind of a

chilling Scottish yarn--

This one about a stinking, dancing Italian who--

- Ruby?

If you don't mind, dear,

I think I've had enough of your

chilling Scottish yarns for one day.

If you don't mind, I think I'm

going to go next door and visit

Maria Chicone and see if I can get that

pigeon pie recipe from her.

- Why?

- Well, I've been ignoring her for years.

It's about time that we got to know each other.

Would you like to come?

- Uh, no, thank you.

I think I'll take a rain check.

- Oh, would you like that certified?

- Oh, I see-- Cheap. Scot.

That's very funny, Francesca.

- Well, I guess I'll see you next week.

- Eh, not if I see you first,

you garlic-eating baby factory.

[door slams]

[Italian music]

*

[rock music]

*