05x18 - Episode 18

[bunniefuu]

[siren blares]

[camera pops]

[chopping]

- Come on up here for a second. Want to show you this.

Look at this.

[chopping]

- Keep digging, boys.

- What do we got?

- I don't know.

- It smells.

[camera pops]

- What the hell is this?

[siren blares]

[camera pops]

[coughing]

- Need some light.

Oh.

[camera pops]

[coughing]

[sawing]

[cymbals crash]

- Come on.

- Move it.

- In.

- [clears throat]

- Oh.

Sorry.

- You sir, are a bad piece of business.

Bad piece of business.

- So why'd you do it, man?

[hums marching fanfare]

♪

- Okay, I think we get the point.

- Oompa, oompa, oompa, oompa, oompa.

[laid-back rock music]

♪

- Oh, Danny!

Danny, hey there.

- You wanted to see me, sir?

- Yes, yes, I did, Dan.

Have a seat there, Dan.

- Okey-doke.

- Well, well, well.

Well. - Okay.

- Danny, I've never, never discussed

anything personal with you before, have I, Dan?

- Uh, no sir, but that's okay.

I've never really considered myself much of a person.

- [laughs]

- Yeah, well, right you are there, Dan, you know?

But I just--I need a little bit of advice, if you don't mind,

Because, well, because well, lately, well...

[laughs]

Brown stuff has started coming out of my mouth.

And, well, you know.

- And-- - I don't know what to--

- Sir, this brown stuff, it's always been liquid?

- Uh, yes, Dan. Yes, yes.

Liquid, always, yes.

- Never a solid or maybe even chunky?

- Oh, no, no, Dan. No, no.

Never solid or chunky.

Why? Does that mean something, Dan?

- Oh, no. Just curious.

- Oh. Oh.

You know, Dan, I always, you know,

figured I did everything right, you know?

I just always felt like, you know,

I--like, I was no big hero or anything, but, you know,

I always felt I did the right things, you know.

I mean, I never asked for the moon or the sta--

Dan, I'm over here now.

- Okay.

- Thanks, Dan.

I mean, I never asked for the moon and the stars,

but I achieved all the goals that I set for myself.

And now, well, brown stuff.

- Sir, if I may.

Maybe this brown stuff is, uh, is, uh, is, uh, is--is--is--

is a symbol for all the stuff you've repressed in your life?

- Dammit, Danny, it's not a symbol.

- Nope. - It's brown stuff.

- Yup.

- And it's coming out of my mouth.

Oh, well.

At least it's odorless. - Hmm.

Yeah, it sure is.

- So it's, uh, it's, uh...

well, in no way poo-based.

- So there's no need to see a doctor.

- Right you are, Dan.

That's the bright side I was looking for.

- Okay, great.

- That's the silver lining I was hoping to hear.

Oh, Danny, Danny, Danny.

Oh, boy. - Oh, sir, yeah.

- All the years, huh? - Yeah.

- You've been here a long time, haven't you, Dan?

- Yes, sir.

- And, you know, I've always kind of thought of you as,

well, as sort of a son, really.

You know, so tell me, uh, you married or what?

You got like a family or what?

- Well, uh, dad...

Uh, I have a lovely wife and two lovely children.

- Uh-huh.

- Although I haven't seen the kids very much lately,

so I assume they've grown up and moved out.

- Ah.

Well, that must be nice for you, Dan.

That must be-- that must be nice.

- I think it is. - Yeah.

Yeah, well-- well there you go.

- Okay. - That's--

[laughs]

Boy, oh, boy.

[uncomfortable laughter]

Right-o. - Okay.

[uncomfortable laughter]

- Uh, sir? - Huh?

- Are you trying to hold me here

because you don't want to be alone?

- Yes, I am, Dan.

I guess I just don't feel like being alone right now.

- Okay.

[blubbers lips]

Uh-huh.

- [sighs]

- Whoo!

Yeah.

- Hey, I've got an idea, Dan! - Okay.

- What do you say you go keep me company somewhere else?

- Okay.

Why don't I keep you company in my own office?

- That'd be great. That'd be great, there, Dan.

- Uh, sir. If you don't mind.

Can I have a little bit of that brown stuff in a cup?

I think my wife might get a big kick out of it.

Okay.

[upbeat rock music]

♪

[both gargling]

[spitting]

- Fresh kiss.

- Mmm. Freshy.

- Come on. Let's go to bed.

[giggling]

- Listen, honey.

There's something I would like to work on first.

- [sighs]

Can we skip the exercises tonight?

- Listen, if we want the world to think

we're a perfect couple, we have to work on it.

- What do you want to work on?

- I'd like to work on the one we call "I'm Late."

- All right. - Good. Thank you.

You ready?

- Yes.

- So Bob, how are things with you?

- Hi, John. Hi, Louise. Sorry I'm late.

I had a bit of a fashion crisis.

I couldn't decide what to wear.

- Well, I'd have to say, it's well worth the wait,

because you look fantastic.

- Oh, God. I'm so lucky I found him.

- I'm the lucky one.

[giggling]

both: We just can't help ourselves.

- That was great!

- Was it?

- Well, what was wrong?

- Well, I think the entry was soft.

I think the hug was just really ragged.

I just think the whole thing is really ragged.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Ragged?

Come on, let's do the hug again.

- All right.

Well, let me get into it.

- Fine.

So, yeah, have you seen Bob? Have you seen Bob?

- Hi, John. Hi, Louise. Sorry I'm late.

I had a bit of a fashion crisis.

I couldn't decide what to wear.

- Well, I'd have to say, it's well worth the wait,

because you look fantastic.

- Oh, God. I'm so lucky I found him.

- No. I'm the lucky one.

- Well, how was that?

- A little better.

- Lets go to bed.

- There's something I think we need to work on.

- What now?

- Slow dance.

- Slow dance?

Slow dance is our best one.

- Is it?

- Well, everyone loved it last night.

It was flawless.

- Was it? - Yes.

- Okay, well lets go through the beats, shall we?

- All right. - Okay.

We're dancing alone in a public place.

The music is playing.

We sense people are watching us so we stop.

- And silently mouth "I love you."

- No we don't.

You improvised that for some reason.

We're supposed to just kiss.

- Fine, then we'll just kiss.

- So tomorrow, it's agreed we'll do the rehearsed version.

- Why are you so worried?

- Claire has a new boyfriend.

- What?

- And everyone says they're a perfect couple.

The same height, they eat the same food,

They finish each other's--

- Each other's sentences? - Yes.

- We're still everyone's favorite couple.

- For now.

But they're nipping at our happy heels, honey.

- Don't worry, honey.

We always have our secret w*apon.

We could always do break up, see other people,

and get back together again.

- I believe that's break up

and then get right back together again.

- Right.

Let's go to bed.

- Okay, I'm sure they'll look well-rested tomorrow.

Night. - Night.

Honey.

That couple across the street is looking through our window.

- Do you want to do loud sex?

- Sure, we can practice that one.

- Oh yeah! Oh yeah!

[aggressive music]

♪

[bouncy music]

♪

- Do you think they'll ever find a cure for AIDS?

- They already have.

They just won't let us have it.

After all, if it was man-made, which it was,

it came with a cure.

But now, because there's so much money looking for a cure,

they can't afford to find one.

- Well, I heard that AIDS came from

these green monkeys in central Africa?

- Oh? - Yeah.

I heard that they had these monkey blood rituals

where everyone gets really high and they dance a lot,

and they drink monkey's blood.

And that's how it was introduced to the human population.

- Wow, sounds like the 's.

- No. It's definitely man-made.

Created by the American m*llitary for germ warfare.

- Oh.

- Well, I heard it was created by Liz Taylor

to give her career a boost.

- No, actually what I heard was she had

someone else create it,

and then she just put her name to it.

- Yeah, and while they were looking for it,

they accidentally stumbled onto the formula for white diamonds.

- [laughs]

- How can you talk that way about Liz Taylor

after all she has done for the gay community?

- It was a joke.

- Well there are some things you don't joke about.

How would you like it if every five seconds

I made disrespectful jokes about Miss Judy Garland?

- Well, I would love it.

Because that would mean you weren't

up on some soap box about something.

- Hallelujah.

- I mean, you really be careful, Smitty, you know.

Taking yourself too seriously might be a co-factor.

- Message received.

- Hey Butch, what would you do if there was a cure tomorrow?

- Wow.

Well, I'd probably get really wrecked.

And then I'd go out and do as many guys as I could.

- So you wouldn't do anything differently?

- No.

- That's the spirit, Smitty.

That was a joke. - Yeah.

- Ba-dump bum-bum.

- No, Badump-bum.

- Bada-bum bum bum.

- Badump-bum. - Bum.

- Smitty, just don't do it again.

- Wow.

[bouncy music]

♪

[broad musical flourish]

- :. Time to go home.

So you've got that last mail run, eh, Al?

- Yeah. [laughs]

- Well, we'll see you Monday.

- Yeah, see you Monday, Stan.

- So, uh, what are you going to do this weekend?

- Oh, just spend time with the family.

- Yeah?

Me, I'm going to go to the hockey game and--

I don't know about tomorrow and Sunday.

- Oh, yeah.

- Have a good weekend. - You too.

- Hey, guys. Have a good weekend.

Hey, what are you doing, Graham?

Working late tonight?

- Yeah, well, I've got to get this stuff done.

- Well, don't k*ll yourself, huh?

- I won't, Stan.

- Hey, what's that?

- I'm sorry, what's what?

- That.

- It's a pen.

- Oh. Oh yeah.

It looks weird.

Okay, have a good weekend. - You too.

- Have a good weekend, Lou.

- Now, my disappointment in you is compounded, Sharon,

by the fact that--

Yes, Stan?

- Just wanted to know if you needed anything.

- No thanks, Stan. Now--

- Well, have a good weekend.

- Yes, Stan. Could you shut the door, Stan?

- Sure. Sure.

Bye-bye.

Ooh! Oh, God.

Major car crash. Sorry, Tom. You okay?

- I'm fine.

- All right. Well, have a good weekend.

- Yeah.

- Have a good weekend, ma'am.

- Cath, it's horrible. - Oh, Kathie.

- Yeah, I only realized yesterday

that he'd had a stroke.

- A stroke? - He didn't even feel it.

- Yes, Stan?

- Who had the stroke?

- My father.

- Oh. Have a good weekend.

- Bye, Stan.

- Hey, Haji. Have a good--

Oh.

Hey, I thought I heard someone in here.

- Oh. Hi, Stan.

- Hey.

You watching the hockey game tonight, Mr. Husk?

- Uh, no.

- Well, that's what I'm doing.

- Super.

- Okay, well have a good weekend.

- Okay.

[phone rings]

- Yes, Stan?

- Huh, I was wondering how long it was going to take

for you to notice me, gorgeous.

- You're kind of hard not to notice, Stan.

- [laughing]

So you making plans for the big weekend?

- I guess.

- Me, I'm going to watch the hockey game tonight,

but Saturday's free.

- Oh, yeah?

- You still dating that policeman?

- Yes.

- Oh, okay.

Well, have a good weekend.

[elevator bell rings]

Hey, thanks for getting the elevator for me.

[laughs]

[upbeat rock music]

♪

This is the life.

[broad musical flourish]

:. Pitter patter, let's get at her.

[humming]

Hey, Al. How was your weekend?

- Gee, Stan. What the hell happened to you?

- I fell asleep sunbathing yesterday.

Out in the hot sun, you know. I got all b*rned up.

It's a good thing I wasn't sunbathing nude, eh?

Imagine what would have happened?

[laughs]

So how was your weekend?

- Good. Good.

- Oh, yeah? What did you do?

- Well, I had a barbecue actually.

- Anyway, I had to go to the hospital, you know?

Emergency room.

They said I've got second degree burns

on my belly and my face, here, you know?

Anyway, I've got to use this cream, here, you know?

They gave me these creams to use.

I got a face cream, that's for my face.

And I got a belly cream, I guess.

Some sort of belly cream.

I've got to go back to the hospital...

[laid-back rock music]

♪

[engine roars]

- Father, may I break the silence?

- Impetuous youth, you already have.

Continue.

- I am almost too excited to eat.

I want my gifts.

- Eat first.

Greed is good, but gravy is better.

Besides, your mother has been slaving all day

over a hot inoculator.

- Well, I hope all this breaking of the silence

hasn't spoiled your appetite.

- No, this is going to be the best Bellini Day ever.

- Come, family.

Let us say prayers.

Enough.

- Father, when we say prayers, why is it we never speak?

- We do not speak because Bellini never spoke.

- Is that why, too, after a shower, we wear a towel?

[laughter]

- Oh, no.

Young boy who one day will become a man,

after a shower we wear a towel because we are wet.

- But Bellini wore a towel.

- Yes, he wore it with gusto.

- He wore it around his waist.

- I am too excited. I want my gifts.

I want my Bellini Day gifts.

I want my scube-u-lator.

- You're out of line.

You're not respecting the customs of Bellini Day.

- Did I not go caroling disco tunes of Earth?

- Yes, but--

- Did I not drink Bellini's favorite beverage for breakfast?

Buttermilk? - Yes.

Now, sit down and eat of the traditional trout.

- Yes, I made a very fine trout gravy this year, young man.

- No, I want my gifts.

Gimme. Gimme.

Gimme. Gimme.

- Go back to the vacuum chamber and drink cooking sherry.

I will handle this.

Son, you are getting older,

and you have learned many things.

- Yes, I have learned how to travel through

my girlfriend's bloodstream on a small raft,

and stop and sleep in her heart.

- Of that I am proud.

- I have learned how to break the silence.

- Silence!

It is time that you learned the true meaning of Bellini Day.

Sit you down.

Now listen to me.

Many years ago,

before what our elders called "The Big Traffic Jam"--

- Is this in the old days,

when people still put ice in their drinks

and believed in someone named God?

- [laughs] Yes.

I know it sounds ridiculous,

but there was a time when people were so stupid

they believed in a man called God.

- It's hard to imagine people actually being that stupid.

- Oh, they must have been incredibly stupid.

- Stupid.

- But in that time

there walked upon the Earth a man named Bellini,

who lived in a one-bedroom apartment.

Bellini walked around smiling.

And he loved elevator music.

Now, one day,

as he was walking to the store to get a jar of buttermilk,

he paused to gaze at the majesty

of an empty parking lot.

And looked up to see a rock falling.

- But rocks fall so slowly.

- Well, they fell faster then. Gravity was better.

- Did Bellini move out of the way?

Or did he scuttle, hurried?

- No. Bellini just stood there.

- I would have scuttled, hurried.

- Yes, but you are not Bellini.

- Sadly. - Yes.

You see, to rush or to wear a watch

would have been foreign to Bellini.

Thusly, he was struck by the rock

and d*ed standing there.

- Is this why we now bury people standing up?

- No, we bury people standing up because we've run out of room.

But you must understand

that in that parking lot where Bellini d*ed

a buttermilk tree sprouted.

They cut it down because it was a parking lot.

But what Bellini taught us that day,

by being crushed by a large rock

was to find beauty in the banal,

for it is everywhere.

- Wow.

Bellini was a prophet.

- And God was a ridiculous, stupid sham.

- I took Bellini for granted.

- According to the book, so did his landlord.

- Well, now do you still want to open your gifts?

Scuttle, hurried, the way Bellini never would?

- No.

Mother, I now understand the true meaning of Bellini Day.

- Well, let us now poke Bellini.

[laughter]

See how jolly this fellow is.

- This is going to be the best Bellini Day ever.

[laid-back rock music]

♪