05x19 - Episode 19

[bunniefuu]

- Buenas noches.

I am Francesca Fiore,

international B movie star.

But tonight I am just simple woman

who cook simple dinner for her lover,

Bruno Puntz Jones,

also B-movie star.

But Bruno is no here.

Bruno is late.

Two hour late, ah?

Am worry.

Aye, I am worry, ah?

I am worry.

Francesca Fiore is worry about Bruno.

- Correction.

Francesca Fiore is worried about Bruno.

- Si. I am worry about Bruno.

- Francesca? - Aye?

- Syntax.

- Sin? Tax?

No, tax, no!

- No.

Francesca Fiore is worried about Bruno.

- Aye, si.

I am worry about Bruno. - No!

- Yes!

- No, it's worried.

Francesca Fiore is worried about Bruno.

- I am worry about Bruno. - Worried.

With a D.

- D? I am worry-dee?

I am worry-dah?

I am worry-dah! - Yes.

- Ah, worry-dah.

I see, I D, I E, I F.

I make joke in English, ah?

- Not yet.

Now, Francesca Fiore is worried about Bruno.

Repeat. - Okay.

Francesca Fiore is worry-dah about Bruno.

Is good? Is Canadian?

- Yes.

- English is so complicate, ah?

- Complicated. - Aye.

- Yes, it is.

- Bruno.

- Francesca. - Where you been?

You are two hour late, ah?

- I sorry.

- Correction.

I am sorry.

- What? No, no!

No, Bruno, no! Oh, Bruno.

- There. I k*ll your Canadian lover.

And I no sorry. - Bruno!

Why you k*ll, k*ll, k*ll all the time, time, time?

- I jealous. - No, Bruno, you are jealous.

- That's what I said. I say I jealous.

- Aye.

Come on, let's eat.

Everything is cold.

- Is not. - Ah, Bruno.

You make joke in English, ah?

- No, I'm going to eat this man. - Oh, okay.

Let's go.

Oh, you like this part?

[speaking indistinctly]

[laid-back rock music]

♪

[glass shatters]

all: Huh!

- By breaking that window, we have broken our first rule.

all: Leave nothing but footsteps,

take nothing but sperm!

- I'm sorry, I-- - Don't be sorry.

What is one broken window

compared to the pain caused by large Cola bottlers worldwide?

- Or the pain of mailmen who must toil like pack mules

under the weight of unwanted junk mail?

- The world needs trees, not pizza menus!

both: Right on, sister!

- Now, do we have all the necessary tools

for the procreation ceremony?

- Yes. Candles and incense.

- Ritualistic drum.

Turkey baster. - Good.

- Right. - Let's rob the sperm bank!

- It is not robbery.

Paying for sperm is reverse prostitution.

both: Yes!

- Is it not fair that I come

and take what I want from the man

in the dead of the night?

both: Yes!

- Isn't that what he's been doing

to me and my sisters since time began?

both: Yes!

- Even though I believe

that prostitution should be legalized.

- Oh, and ganja. - And hash.

- And jaywalking.

- And-- and bumper hitching.

- And--and letting your dog off the leash in public parks!

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Stop it, stop it.

We are not going to solve

all the world's problems here tonight.

- But my hopes are I can get some A- sperm

so Arlene and I can increase our family unit.

- Oh, sperm!

- Sperm!

But what kind, Shona?

There are so many types here.

- What kind of sperm do I want?

I want the sperm of the free.

And the brave.

The sperm of the not-yet-free and the not-yet-brave.

I want the sperm of the working class,

of the oppressed,

of the flat-footed, of the sunken-chested.

- Hey, well, that sounds like us.

- Yes! - Yeah.

- But you are men. - Oh.

both: We feel ashamed.

- It's good to feel shame, it's good to feel shame,

it's good to feel shame,

it's good to feel shame.

- Come on, Shona.

- I'm not sure.

- Just do it.

- But what about my free will?

- Don't worry about that.

- I'm not sure this is right.

- I'm aching.

So if you help me,

I'll help you, maybe someday in the future.

- Okay.

Ha! [horn honks]

- Shona!

- You didn't! - Yes.

Against my will.

See, too much sperm has dampened too many girl''

mohair sweaters as it is.

That's why I will not accept the sperm of a man.

- Yes! - Well, what, then?

- Woman's sperm! - Yes!

- Yes! - Yes!

- No! - No.

- No?

- Well, there's no such thing, Shona.

- Not yet. both: Yes!

- I will have to yield to the limitations of biology.

Man's sperm will have to do.

both: Brave choice, sister!

- Uh, what about, uh...

This sperm?

- What about this sperm?

- What about this stuff? Does it look right to you?

It's been a long time for me.

- Well, the Best Before date is okay.

- Well, then, let's take it.

[alarm blaring]

- What now?

Let's run! both: Yes!

- Wait!

I have an idea.

- What? I can't hear you.

The alarm is so loud.

- We must liberate the sperm! - Good idea.

- Yes, good idea.

- Swim. Swim to freedom.

both: Go, go, go, go, go!

- It is too late.

They have been in captivity too long

and have lost their instincts.

- No--wait, look! There they go!

- Whose sperm have I selected at random

to impregnate myself with a turkey baster

so my lesbian partner and I can increase our family unit?

- Hmm. - Hmm.

- Who is the father of Shona's baby?

Stay tuned, and at the end of the episode,

we'll reveal the donor of the mystery sperm.

[mysterious sitar music]

♪

- Did you see "Baywatch" last night, Cecily?

- Indeed I did, Flora.

I thought it was thrilling when Mr. David Hasselhoff

ran into the surf to save that tot from the sting ray!

- Oh yes, it was just brilliant when he doffed his shirt

on account of the heat, don't you think?

Oh, imagine that.

Heat in the summer.

- You know, that's the only thing about the show

I don't find realistic.

- Oh, that and some of the bosoms, love.

- Hmm.

[knocks on door]

[doorbell rings]

- Oh, I wonder who that could be.

Prudence? - No, dear.

We'd have heard her knees popping.

- Oh.

Well, I wonder who, then.

[ringing continues]

- Oh, hello.

Oh!

Please, rise, rise.

Rise, please.

And do call me Elizabeth, please.

- All right, then.

Tell us what brings you here, Elizabeth.

- Very good.

Well, as you know,

the family firm has lost touch with real people like yourselves

over the last several hundred years.

So I have initiated a new program

called "Commoner Outreach",

where I pay surprise visits on commoners like yourself

for a good old-fashioned chin-wag.

And so tonight, Flora Foley and Cecily McDonald,

do not think of me as your sovereign

but, rather, just another common housewife

like yourselves.

Oh!

What a perfectly common flat you live in.

I'll just sit here on this common throne.

Lovely.

Well. - Well, well.

- Well, it's lovely to be here.

- Oh, could I offer you some tea, Elizabeth?

- Oh, I would love a cup.

- All right, I'll just, um...

- Here we go.

- So tell us. - Oh.

- How's Phillip? - Oh, Phillip is fine.

- That's good - That's good.

- How's Charles?

- Oh, Charles is fine.

- Oh, that's good. Oh, and how's Diana?

- Margaret is fine.

New topic!

- Did you see Baywatch last night, Elizabeth?

- Oh, yes, I did.

Imagine the heat!

- Oh, I know.

- New topic!

- I know.

Let's play truth or dare. - Oh!

That's sounds like fun.

How does one play?

- Well, did you see that Madonna film, Mum?

- Oh, I won't have to fellate an Evian bottle, will I?

- I suppose not, if you're really set against it, Mum.

- Oh, good.

- Just ask us a saucy question,

and we'll be obliged to answer.

- Oh, good.

Okay, um, Flora, truth or dare?

- Truth. - Truth.

Okay, um, are you married?

- Oh, yes, Mum.

But not too happy, I'm afraid.

Oh, my husband's quite the drinker.

A regular Andy Capp, if you know.

But I do have a lover.

I mean, one must have some comforts

in one's life, don't you think?

- Oh, yes. I perfectly understand.

I have my pillows.

My turn!

Cecily, truth or dare? - Truth.

And, Elizabeth, with all due respect,

the questions can afford to be

a touch more, how shall we say, raunchy?

- Ooh, rather.

Oh--oh, I know.

Cecily, have you ever k*lled anyone?

- Yes, Mum. I served in the Falklands.

- Oh, bloody good w*r!

We rutted those damn Argies, didn't we?

- We sure did.

All right, Elizabeth, it's your turn.

Truth or dare? - Dare.

I enjoy a good dare.

- Oh, uh, um...

- Oh. [whispers]

- Oh, yes. Yes.

- Elizabeth, we dare you to fart!

- Oh.

[laughs]

Fart?

- Yes, Mum. - But why?

- Well, Mum, the one thing

that's always united the classes of Britain

is the love of a good fart.

- Best done in a small car or lift.

- Preferably by someone in a position of authority, Mum.

- Oh, well, here goes.

[sustained fart noise]

- Good one, Mum. - Good one.

- I'm not finished.

[sustained fart noise]

Ooh.

Oh, what fun!

- Oh, game's over, Mum. - Oh, but I could--

- Lovely having you.

- Don't make me leave, please.

Don't make me go home!

- Oh, God.

What crawled up her ass and d*ed?

- The monarchy!

- Oh.

- Could the owner of the sperm be this man?

Or one of these men in this rock band armada?

Stay tuned to find out at the end of the episode.

[cheerful big band music]

♪

- The day it happened was like any other, I suppose.

I was on my way to work when it hit me.

The President of the United States

is a lying, vicious bastard.

And he had to die.

[all grunting]

I couldn't believe it had taken me this long

to realize what I had to do,

what my mission had to be.

One ticket to Washington, please.

I have a date with destiny.

And that's when I saw her.

All these years, the ideal woman had been just a dream.

And yet there she was.

Alive--more than alive.

Thrust into my world

and recreating it with every breath she took.

For the first time in my lonely life,

I dared to hope.

Hey, that looks like fun.

Man and machine, working in harmony.

Pride in achievement.

Physical labor it's own--hey.

Peter had some nerve, showing his face in this town.

Why, my poor sister still cries herself to sleep every night.

Having made my point,

I was quite willing to concede

that I, too, had made a mistake.

But in fairness to me, he sure looked like Peter.

I was exhausted.

What a day.

At that point I wanted nothing more than to just go home,

have a hot bath, and get a good night's sleep.

Taxi?

- Where to, Mister?

- Morocco.

Not just a place, but a state of mind.

Not just somewhere to be, but a way of being.

Morocco is me.

And I am Morocco.

I felt I was finally ready to settle down in this land

where the roots of humanity ran as deep as--

I was perfectly within my rights to sink that boat.

Dolphins are not just fish.

My God, that's like saying dogs are just...

Well, whatever it is dogs are.

Make a note to see my doctor,

I've been feeling inexplicably tired lately.

Maybe I just need to get away.

Can't help feeling there was something

I was supposed to do today.

Oh, well.

It will come to me.

- Are these men the owners of the sperm

that will impregnate Shona?

Or is it this man?

Stay tuned to find out at the end of the episode.

[laid-backed rock music]

♪

[dial tones beeping]

[telephone rings]

- Hello?

- Hey, man.

Turn your TV to channel .

That really funny commercial with the dog is on.

- Oh.

Oh, that is gross.

- [laughs]

- That isn't even funny. - Yes it is.

See ya.

[telephone rings]

- Hello?

- Hey, loser.

- Hey, jerk.

- What are you doing, man?

- Well, I just started watching this great heart operation.

- The one on channel ? - Yeah.

- Yeah, I'm watching it too.

You missed a couple of hours, though.

- Oh, no. Really?

What happened?

- Well, they opened this guy up.

And then they operated for a while.

- Wow. - Don't worry about it.

I'm taping it, so, um...

Oh, by the way.

There's a really great heart operation on

tonight at :.

It's one of those old black and white ones.

- Well, I hope they don't colorize it.

They really ruin the atmosphere of the heart operation

when they do that.

[brass fanfare]

- Oh, what's this?

- Oh, I guess it's one of those fundraiser drives.

- Wasn't that an exciting heart operation?

But believe me, without your help,

we can't keep bringing you this quality,

uninterrupted heart operation programming.

So let's get those phones ringing, okay?

Any donation will help.

If you have $, if you have $,

$, call it in.

- What a drag.

- At $, you get--

- I'm going to turn on the hockey game

until the fundraising part is over.

- Yeah, good idea.

Isn't the hockey game supposed to be on channel ?

I have a heart operation.

- Got the hockey game on my TV.

- This is weird.

I have heart operations on every channel.

- There must be something wrong with your cable.

I told you not to splice it eight ways.

- Oh, look at channel .

There's a really funny part of the heart operation going on.

- I'm--I'm--I'm just--

I'm really--I'm, I'm--

I'm really lost here.

I, um--I, uh--completely lost here.

Excuse me, um-- oh, oh--

- Nurse? - Nurse.

Um, what I'm thinking,

nurse, is that maybe this man doesn't need so much--

uh, heart--heart surgery

as--as just a-- as a good night's--

good night's sleep.

What do you--what do you-- what do you think?

So what do you say we just, uh...

How does--how does this thing work?

Um, it's just not a very good day, you know?

Um, I just--

I mean, I--first trouble with the parking space, now this.

- Hey, that's you!

- It is!

- Can I get your autograph?

- Shut up. - You don't look very well.

- Shut up!

- You're not dying, are you? - No, I'm not dying!

- I still don't hear those phones ringing!

Folks, you know that we can't stay on the air

unless you call in with a pledge.

- That's right, Nina.

- Uh, excuse me, shouldn't you be operating?

- Oh, yeah, you're right.

- Wha--what?

- We're losing him, doctor.

- Hmm. - Hey.

It's really funny now, they're losing him.

[laughs]

- Don't tell me how it ends!

I'm taping it.

- Failing heart operations are so hilarious.

[laughs]

- Come on!

Let's get our panel of celebrities working, huh?

Let's get those phones ringing!

[heart b*ating]

- He's slipping, doctor!

- My God!

This man's heart is a lump of butter.

- A lump of butter?

You know, we can't bring you these kinds of heart operations

without your help.

The funny ones. The sad ones.

So call in!

- It's ringing!

Pick it up!

Pick it up.

- Pick it up, come on!

- You know you catch all the big ones right here.

Here we go. Whoa!

- Hey, I'm watching a really good fishing show now.

- Hey, got one!

Big strike! Yeah, come on!

Yeah! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Yeah, come on!

Oh, God, your mother doesn't know what she's missing!

Come on!

- Bring it here.

Come on, come on. No, no, no, no.

Don't turn away. Come on, come on.

Bring it here. Come on, boy.

- Live, damn you, live.

- We've lost him.

- I pledge $

and challenge all Mount Royal College graduates

to do the same.

- He's back!

Nice work, doctor.

- Well, sometimes you just have to...

- Heal them?

- Yes.

Anyone driving west?

At all?

[telephone rings]

- Hello?

- Hey, goof.

- Hey, stinky. - What are you doing?

- I'm just watching a show

about a guy, uh, convalescing after a heart operation.

- Oh, yeah? What channel?

- . - What have I missed so far?

- Well, the guy came in, and he was really sick

and a bit disoriented.

So they wrapped him in a blanket,

and they put him in a robe,

and they sat him in front of a TV,

and he was watching TV, and then his friend phoned,

and they gave him some ginger ale.

And then he liked the ginger ale.

And then he was sitting there,

but he was thinking like he'd like to have a cheeseburger

or something like that.

I'm taping it, if you want.

It's pretty good so far, but a bit slow moving.

- And now it's time to reveal the identity

of the donor of the mystery sperm.

Hockey legend Gordie Howe.