05x20 - Episode 20

[bunniefuu]

- Check.

Check, check, check.

- Check. - Check, check!

Yeah, uh, practice doing this, too.

Check, testing.

- I'm ready.

One, two, three, four.

- * Camera man

both: * Whole world's watching the camera man *

- Hold it! Hold it!

Check. - Testing!

- Check. - Check, check.

- Quiet, guys.

Please, please?

Puh, puh!

[laid-back rock music]

*

- [clears throat]

- Hey!

Would you guys mind keeping it down out here?

I'm trying to get some sleep.

- I'm only one guy.

- Okay, who said that?

- I did.

- Is that true, everybody, was it him?

- Yes, it was me. - I'm not asking you.

I'm asking them.

- All right, yes, it was him. - So what's your problem, pal?

What is it, you trying to be a big man, you trying to impress

all your friends, is that it? Huh?

- Can't you get it through your head?

I'm just one guy.

I'm not a crowd or a g*ng or a mob.

I'm just one guy.

- Look, I don't care how many of you there are.

I'm just asking you to keep it down

so I can get a little bit of sleep, all right?

Thanks.

- There's no one else here, just you and me.

I mean, go ahead, take the time to count.

One--done!

- People--people, we are never going to get anywhere as long

as we keep talking at once.

Now who speaks for you people? Who is your leader?

- Me, I guess.

- Great, come here. Come here.

Look, hey, I'm a reasonable guy, you know.

I think I've got some rights around here.

After all I do pay, you know, / of the rent,

and I think that entitles me to a little bit of consideration.

- Actually, I've been meaning to talk to you

about your share of the rent. - Oh, really?

Well, get in line, I'm talking to this guy right now.

Look, I need my sleep.

If I don't get my / hours, I'm cranky all day.

So what do you say you and the rest of the guys

cut down a little on the roughhousing, huh?

Thanks a lot.

- Look, I don't think this is working out.

Uh, I didn't know you that well when you first moved in,

and frankly I don't think you and I

should be roommates anymore.

- Oh, fine.

Move out.

See if I care.

So what, we'll split the rent ways,

we'll each pay $. a month.

You think an extra cents is gonna break me?

Move out. - You know,

actually I was thinking you should move out.

- Well, what do you say we put it to a vote?

Listen up, everybody,

all those who think this guy should move out,

raise your hands.

Okay, now all those who think I should move out,

raise your hands.

Boy, you guys really stick together, huh?

Mob rule, that's what I call this.

Fine, fine.

I'll move out, but think about this, huh?

Who's next?

Who's next up on the chopping block?

There's always got to be a scapegoat, huh?

Who's it going to be, is it going to be, uh,

this guy here, or maybe--maybe you in back.

Or maybe shorty here, huh?

Just think about it. Well, I'm out of here.

Look, just--look, just let me through.

Look, just cut a path, would you?

Look, just make a path. Just cut a path; let me through.

*

- What?

[laughing]

What the--

[laughing]

[doorbell rings]

- Good afternoon, sir. - Mm-hmm?

- I'd like to talk to you about something

that I think no home should be without.

- Front door? Already have one, thank you.

- No, no, no, sir--sir.

It's not a front door.

Actually, it's encyclopedias.

May I come in?

- Whatever makes you happy.

- Thank you.

Wow.

Well, my name is Robert, and you are?

- You lost me.

- What's your name?

- Once a guy named Robert wanted to know my name.

- Okay, well, first of all, sir,

I'm going to need your full, undivided attention.

- Sure, as long as I can also watch TV at the same time.

- Oh, can I--

can I turn off the TV?

- I don't know, can you?

What?

- Okay, let me start off by saying that encyclopedias

are like a window to the world.

- Obviously.

- And through this window we can access--

- Uh, uh, uh--you lost me.

- Really?

Okay.

Okay, uh, encyclopedias are a wealth of information,

right at your fingertips.

- Listen, I'm going to tell you something,

and I don't want you to take it personally.

- Yes?

- But you're not a very good encyclopedia salesman, are you?

- But I haven't even done my pitch yet.

- Well, what does that tell you?

Here, let me help you out. - Okay.

- Encyclopedias are--

- Encyclopedias are-- - You lost me.

- Encyclopedias are an essential tool for any home.

- Okay, now this tool.

Is it called something? Does it have a name?

- Yes, it's called an encyclopedia.

- Now we're cooking!

- Okay, if you need information on any topic--

- Hold it, is this just a book on elephants?

'Cause I already have one of those.

- No, it's not just on elephants.

It's on everything.

- Everything? Great!

So if a guy borrowed my shovel then moved away,

I could find out where he lives?

- No, no.

- Then what the hell good is it to me?

- Well, it's a collection of books.

- Obviously.

- It's a collection of books-- - You--you've lost me.

- It's a collection of books!

- Uh-huh.

- Full of information for the inquisitive mind.

- Does it have this stuff on there?

- Actually, as a matter of fact it does.

Let me see. Here it is, sir.

B, bowling: a game in which two players or teams

compete by rolling balls at standing pins.

- I know what bowling is.

What the hell are these guys doing?

- Bowling. - Duh.

Listen, I'm going to tell you something,

and I don't want you to take it personally.

But instead of selling encyclopedias you should be

selling a collection of books categorized from A to Z,

for easy reference, full of educational information,

or "food for thought,"

for the curious mind. - I give up.

- That's the spirit! - I give up.

I heard that you were an easy sell,

but I don't buy it.

I would like to know how Kenny sold you that vacuum.

- Buy this vacuum.

- Okay.

- So if you find that guy who took my shovel,

would you put it in your book?

- Good day, sir.

- There he goes.

Again.

[laughing]

*

- I've noticed a lot of these crudely made signs

on the porches of people's houses.

Well, I say people should be more careful

about what they ask for.

'Cause I'm here tonight, ladies and gentlemen,

to tell you that junk mail saved my life.

Yes, junk mail saved my life.

Junk mail saved my life.

Oh, sorry, I only meant to say that twice.

Forget the third time.

Where was I?

Junk mail saved my life.

If I had one of these signs up in the window of my house,

I wouldn't be alive today to talk about it.

See, it happened two nights ago.

I was alone at home.

I'm no good with relationships.

Women say I'm difficult and that I have emotional problems.

But that's a different monologue unto itself.

Anyway, I'm at home drying the dish--

who needs more than one dish when you live alone?

You know, just me and my emotional problems.

So I finished drying the dish,

and I opened the cupboard door to put the dish away.

I also lean over to empty the sink.

I straightened up too quickly,

and I hit my head on the edge of the door.

Well, blinded by pain, I stumbled backwards

into the glass cabinet full of porcelain dolls.

So I collect porcelain dolls!

Isn't a guy allowed to have a hobby?

Okay, I try to stumble my way towards the bathroom,

only I trip over the blue box,

which is really strange 'cause I don't have a blue box!

So I land on a large pile of junk mail

that lay near the front door.

Then I passed out,

and the doctors tell me if there wasn't junk mail there

to stop the bleeding,

I would have bled to death!

So I come to after minutes.

No one stopped by or even called--

you know, why should they?

I have emotional problems.

So I lift myself up to my elbows,

and I crawl to the telephone

and I dial for help.

Now, due to my head injury,

I can't remember that easy to remember emergency number.

So I pull a large piece of bloody junk mail

off the back of my head and dial that number.

Lucky for me, it was a number

I had called several times before,

and they had my name and address in the computer.

Unlucky for me, they thought I was ordering a pizza

and came minutes later.

I got the pizza for free--

but that's a different monologue unto itself.

So the pizza guy made a couple more deliveries

then drove me straight to the hospital,

and that's how junk mail saved my life.

So I suggest to you that you think twice before putting one

of these signs in the window of your house.

You just might regret it.

Oh, and I want all you women out there to know

that I'm seeing a therapist about my emotional problems.

- * Nice face

- * You wish

- * Nice face

- * You wish

- * Nice face

- * You wish alone

- Yeah.

I think that fight we had turned fight into a good song.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Okay.

- We should fight more often. - Yeah.

- Excuse me, can I help you?

- No, thank you.

- Hey, hey, hey!

What are you're doing there? What are you doing?

- I was just turning it on and off.

- Hey, hey, now! Look, you broke it!

- I was just seeing if it works!

I was just turning it on and off!

That's how lamps work! - Wa--wait, look, look.

Stop talking gibberish and start respecting my merchandise.

You won't be happy until you break something, will you?

Oh, please--guys, guys,

guys, guys, guys, guys, please, please.

- Guys?

- What are you--what are you doing with those shoes?

- I'm just trying them on. - Yeah.

But you're putting your feet in them.

You don't put your feet in them. You'll break them.

And what are you doing with those uh--those uh, uh,

uh, uh, uh, uh, um-- - Laces?

- All right, smartass, get out the store!

Get out the store.

Come on, take a walk to the front.

- But I-- - Come on, out the store.

Out the store.

Oh, oh, oh, God, look.

Please, please, uh--

please, please. Don't look in the mirror.

You'll break it. - What?

How am I going to break a mirror by looking into it?

- Are--are you a mirror expert? - No--

- Well, then shut your trap and respect the merchandise.

Okay? - I--I just--

- All right, okay--all right, that's it, crazy man!

Get out the store. Come on, get out the store.

Just come on, get out-- - What's the problem, Al?

- Well, we've got vermin here.

- Why do all the vermin come into this liquidation

sale store? - I don't know, I--

- I was just looking in here. I just went like this--

- Hey, hey, hey, all right--

- Don't look in the mirror unless

you know what you're doing!

A mirror that don't work is no good to no one.

- Yeah, look, forget--get out the store.

Get out the store.

- I was just looking at the mirror. I was just looking-

- Well, we're trying to run a store, here.

You're trying to run a--a playground!

- You--you know, Al? It strikes me,

there's so many people out there that are very insane!

- Craziest fellow. We're surrounded by crazies!

I mean, we're trying to run a store here;

they--they're trying to run a merry-go-round!

- Or--or a Santa Claus parade?

- Or maybe they think is, what, a birthday party?

- Or, what, a cr*ck house?

- Yeah, no! This is a business!

- It's a business. It's a business!

- Oh, God--Miss, Miss, please, please, please.

I thought I told you not to play with the lamp.

- I'm buying it.

- Well, then buy it; don't play with it!

- And what are you doing there?

- I'm ringing up a sale.

- Are you crazy? You're going to break it!

- Yeah, don't touch it! - How am I going to do my job?

- Well, if you don't know, then you're fired, you're fired!

- Yeah, get out of the store, move it, come on!

Take your purse with you. Let's go.

This is a business, not Euro Disney!

- Or Never-Never Land!

- I'm waiting for my change.

- You want change? You go to a bank.

- I still want my change.

- That's it, out the store, you crazy lady, out the store!

- Come on, please, out the store, please.

Ma'am, here's your parcel, now. Go; thank you.

- Al, we've got to come to the store

more than once a week. - This is insane.

It's like nobody knows what they're doing.

- I know! - You know, this is a business.

This isn't some trip to Florida with your aunt,

and your uncle, and your two nephews, you know?

- Or dinner with an old army buddy

who brings along an attractive daughter.

- Ah, if I only had an old army buddy

who would bring along an attractive--

*

- You--you know, honey?

I feel a sense of emptiness inside

since the hazardous waste people

came and took away those old paint cans.

- Hmm.

- Yeah, yeah,

I've been thinking about them being taken away for weeks,

you know, and now they're gone.

- And you feel you've crashed?

- Yeah, yeah.

- Mm-hmm.

- Yeah, you know,

I think my testosterone level must be very low.

- Oh, I don't think that. - Oh?

You know, honey,

that I think about garbage day all week?

- Hmm? - Oh, yeah.

I dream about those bright orange bags,

resplendent if you will,

perched in front of the house like that, yeah.

- We're the only ones in the neighborhood

that use the orange bags. - Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I know that.

But how long do you think that's going to last?

I mean--you know--I mean,

someone in the neighborhood is bound to catch on.

I mean, you can get those bags anywhere now.

- Mm-hmm. - Huh.

We've never had multiple orgasms.

- We're not multiple orgasm people.

- Huh, yeah. [laughs]

You think, honey, that maybe we--we were,

and somehow we got blocked up?

Or you think maybe we were just constructed that way?

- Hmm. - Huh?

- Well, we could get tapes. - Oh?

- Video tapes.

- Oh, geez. [laughs]

You mean, uh, sexual tapes?

- Mm-hmm.

- Well. [laughs]

No, you know what,

I think I need to be alone with a cougar or something.

- Mm-hmm?

- Yeah, just--

you know, him or me.

- Well, you'll need your rest, then.

- True, that's true.

I think I've lost interest in muffins.

- You have not lost interest in muffins.

- No? - You had one muffin

that you did not enjoy. - Yeah.

Oh, yeah, I guess you're right.

I guess I'll just take it one muffin at a time.

- Mm-hmm.

- Hmm.

Can't help--I can't help thinking about

those paint cans, though.

I just keep seeing them in my head, you know?

I really wanted them gone,

and now that they're gone, I feel empty.

- We could think about those tapes.

- Yeah, okay.

Good night.

*

- * It's time to climb the stairs *

- * No looking back, no heart att*ck *

- * The stairs

We have to climb the stairs.

- Though danger still lurks there--

- Trust us, we will beware.

- * It's up to us

- * We have no bus

both: * Just have our guts

- And our guts say--

*

* I'm on the first step

- * I'm on the second step

- * I'm on the third step

- * I'm on the fourth step

- * I'm on the fifth step

- * I'm on the sixth step

- * What waits for us on the seventh step *

- * What will we find beyond the sixth *

- * What lurks for us on the seventh step *

- * Hope we don't get into in another fix *

*

both: * It was just another step

*

* Just another step

*

* Just another step

- Hey, let's climb!

- Eight.

- Nine. - Ten.

- . - .

- * I've been walking the stairs looking for love *

* But I didn't find love on the st step *

* And I didn't find love on the th step *

* And I didn't find love on the th step *

- Hello. - Hello.

- * I love the same girl that my friend does *

- * But he doesn't love her half as well *

- * I love the same girl that my friend does *

- * But his love is just a bowl of hell *

- * Bowl of hell - * Bowl of hell

- * Bowl of hell both: * Bowl of hell

- * It seems I'm in a pickle

* With these gentlemen of leisure *

* If I pick one over the other one *

* Will simply have a seizure

* It seems I'm in a quandary, so I'll simply do my laundry *

* For as my mother often mused

* Better clean than confused

[laughs]

Ah!

Ow, oh.

[crash]

both: * Friendship

* You've got to have friendship *

- * First mate and Captain on the friend ship *

- * There's no other way to be

- * As long as I've got you

- * And you got me

both: No dames!

Oh!

- Look!

We're close to the top of the stairs.

- * The end of our journey

- * Our journey called Bernie

both: * Bernie on top of the stairs *

*

- * Bernie, we love you

- * And now we're above you

- * And, Bernie, you weren't always fair *

- * But now that we've met you

- * We're damned if we'll let you *

both: * Get us to move from the top of the stairs *

* Get us to move from the top of the stairs *

* Get us to move from the top of the stairs *

* To get to the top of the

* Move from the top of the stairs *

Uh--uh--uh...

[both screaming]