*
- God is dead.
- Yes. "God is dead," cried Nietzsche.
And the cry has been heard for years.
But for each philosopher, there has been a cynic.
- No way! - Prove it!
- And that is where the argument has stalemated--
until now.
- God is dead.
And here is the body to prove it.
- You just blew my mind!
- Our minds have been blown!
- The world is shocked.
First, to find out God did in fact exist,
and second, to find out he was now dead.
- I've got some good news and some bad news.
- But the world was most shocked to find out
how small God was.
Imagine winds, storms,
the miracle of life,
all from this tiny God, with such tiny hands and feet.
- He's really light too.
- Yes, God did exist.
He d*ed.
He was very small.
Mystery solved!
The world has a brief period of mourning.
And then it's business as usual,
on the streets and highways that God built.
[laid-back rock music]
*
- Whoo-hoo!
Whoo-hoo!
- What's the matter Barry, is something wrong?
- Hi!
Is he gonna be long on the horsey?
- Um, I'm afraid my son hasn't finished his ride yet.
- But I gotta get on!
I gotta get on! - Why?
- Because I have to do everything
like I did the day before.
- The day before? I'm sorry, I don't understand.
- Well, it's like, this morning,
I got up and I washed myself in the toilet,
just like I did the day before, and then I went to the bank
and I deposited $, just like I did the day before,
and then I rode all day on the city bus
until the sun went down,
just like I did the day before, and then I came here
and I drank two bottles of tequila under the loading dock,
just like I did the day before.
- Mom, can I have another quarter, please?
- No, no, it's my turn! I gotta get on!
It's almost :!
- Why is it so important that you get on by
- 'Cause I'm masturbating.
- You're masturbating?
- Yeah, all day, and this is the last part, right?
- Oh, God. - So get him off!
Please, please.
- Barry, don't be frightened, just get off the horse.
- Are you Big Bird?
- No, but I want to meet him,
because the bearded lady says they call him Big Bird cause
he's got a really big--
- Shut up!
Shut your filthy bird mouth!
- Yeah, you too, eh?
Oh, no, I don't have a quarter!
I don't have a quarter. Can I please have a quarter?
- You want me to give you a quarter
so that you can masturbate in front of my child?
- Yeah!
- I'm getting someone in authority.
- Oh, good! I need someone to watch.
Oh, excuse me, can I have a quarter, please?
Please, can I have a quarter?
- Grandma, I want to see the big chicken ride the horsey.
- Okay, is this part of a mall promotion?
- Yeah!
- Okay, here's a quarter.
There you go. - Are you gonna watch?
- Well, if it doesn't take too long.
- Oh, great!
- Yay!
The big chicken's riding the horsey!
- [moaning]
Oh, yeah!
[boom]
- Well, that was the worst mall promotion I've ever seen.
Come on!
- There it is!
- I'm the assistant manager at Baskin-Robbins.
Come with me!
[boom]
- Run for your lives!
- Bye, horsey.
See you tomorrow.
*
- Come on, Bessie.
Let's get at 'er.
What the--
What...
Well, lookie there.
Lucky penny.
Oh!
- So, what you're saying, Doc,
is that he ain't ever gonna come out of it?
- No, I never said that. - Oh.
- No, what I said was,
there's a good chance he might come out of it.
We just don't know when.
Could be a couple of days, could be a couple of years--
- By jimmeny, look!
Brother Jed's plum come out of it!
- He's sitting up there.
- Hey, would you mind passing me the salt?
- Well, he appears to be having some di-fickle-ty
of getting the salt.
No, no, he used to be able to get the salt pretty good.
So you're saying there's nothing we can do?
- No.
I never said that. - Oh.
- I said there's nothing we can do.
- Well, that's what I said you said.
- Oh, did I? I'm sorry.
You called me in the middle of a party.
I'm a little drunk.
Good luck.
- Could be worse.
He could have used to be smart.
- I got a idea.
[crickets chirping]
I don't know what went wrong.
Always seemed to work on "The Flintstones."
- [moaning]
- So, what were you doing there?
- I was thinking about inventory, you know, cups,
and toilet paper, and licorice, you know?
Inventory.
- Okay, good work.
- Let's continue.
- Well, it's really late there.
You know, I was falling asleep.
I always stick my head in the freezer so I won't fall asleep.
- May I suggest that in the future
you do your sleeping during the daytime
when you work the night shift? - Hey, hey, hey, look.
At least he's not drinking the company coffee to stay awake.
- Good point. - Look, if you're going
to stick your head in the freezer to stay awake,
I suggest you keep it to under a minute.
It's more energy efficient, okay?
- Okay, I will.
- Excuse me? - Yes?
- Do you have any straws left?
- No. - No?
There's none left in the container over there.
I just need a straw.
- Please, sir. I don't want any trouble.
- Trouble? What are you talking about?
Do you have straws? - I said I don't have straws.
- Look, I just need a-- - Would you get out?
I don't have any straws! - I'm sorry.
- Okay? - Okay!
- Go!
This job's getting worse.
Come on back then, if you're so big!
If you're so--
- We're a little concerned about how you
reacted in that situation.
- You can't see it from the angle of the camera,
but he had shifty eyes.
He had cr*ck eyes.
Man, this guy was a crackhead!
- What's this cr*ck?
Oh, the new stuff? - Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
In that case, I think you were way too slow.
Listen, that guy could have gotten off a couple sh*ts
before you had the time to say, "Self-defense."
- Yeah, so in the future,
sh**t first, ask questions later with these crackheads.
- sh**t first.
Ask questions later. Got it.
- Okay, I think we only have one more piece of tape
to review before we give you our decision.
- Yes.
Is this it? - No.
- Is this it?
[farts]
- No, I've seen this.
- No.
This? No.
- No, no, I remember the dog.
It's after the dog.
- You sure it's after the dog?
I think you missed it.
I think it must be earlier. - No, no.
It's coming up. - No, I think you missed it.
I think you should go back. - No.
- Oh, there it is. - Those are really nice.
Three dollars.
- I only have a twenty.
Can you break it?
- Oh, sure.
Pain in the ass.
Thank you.
Come again. - Thank you.
- [bleep] face.
- Right there. - There it is.
- Okay, now, correct me if I'm wrong,
but is this the finger?
Are you giving the finger?
- But he had the change! I know he had the change!
My gut told me he had the change!
- Look, we've reviewed the tape several times, and I'm sorry.
I'm afraid we just can't give you that cents
an hour raise you wanted.
- But how am I going to live on $. an hour?
- Like an extra cents is going to get you that car
you've always wanted?
[laughter]
[farts]
*
- Hello?
Hello? Your door's open.
You've left your door open.
- Well, come on in.
- What?
- Come on in.
- Well, I'm a bit busy.
- Oh, please, please, please.
It's important.
- Well, I've really got a lot of things to--
- Oh, please, please, please.
It's very important.
- Okay.
- You're not just coming in
because you feel sorry for me, are you?
- No, I'm coming in because you asked me
please, please, please to come in.
- I only ask because the loneliness is k*lling me.
- You live alone?
- Oh, no, no. The wife's in the bedroom.
She never comes out, though.
Oh, would you like some smokes?
- No, thanks. I don't smoke.
- Oh, price of smokes, eh? Crazy.
- Really terrible.
- Like, remember six years ago they were $?
And then they were $.. Remember that?
- No, I don't smoke.
- And then they went to $.. Heck, I nearly quit.
And then they elected that idiot Bob Rae.
- Well, you shouldn't smoke anyway.
- Oh, I know. I know. I know.
It's terrible.
I quit this one time, except I couldn't.
- You said there was something important?
- Oh, oh, yeah.
Honey, we got a visitor.
- [coughing]
- That's the little lady, eh?
She's got a bad case of, um, the gout.
She never comes out. Can't do nothing.
So I've got to do all the housework around here.
Except I can't.
- Well, that's too bad.
I really should get going, though.
- Oh, no. Please, please, please.
- What? What is it?
- Do you think you could go in there and roll her over?
- What?
- Just roll her over. She won't know it's you.
She'll probably think you're an angel or something.
- Why don't you do it?
- Oh, no, no, no.
I don't go in there. No, no, never, no.
- Never? How does she eat?
- Oh, she calls the pizza boy. He takes it in.
He's got nerves of steel, that one.
- Listen, I can't do this. You should call a professional.
- Oh, please. I'll give you a toe.
- What?
- I'll give you a toe, a Korean toe,
a souvenir from the w*r.
- You'll give me a Korean toe
for turning over your invalid wife?
- Oh, don't worry. I got nine more. It's nothing.
- [coughing] - I've got to get going.
- Oh, no, please!
- Never speak to me again. You can keep your toe.
Where's the light switch?
- It's there, on the right.
all: Surprise! [party horn blows]
- Happy birthday! Happy birthday.
- What the hell?
- Hey, we surprised you, didn't we?
- Yeah, this year you surprised me.
- Hey, let's go to Shaky's!
- Hey!
Did you roll her over?
You said if I lent you this place for the surprise
you'd roll her over!
- Yeah, yeah, sure.
- You didn't roll her over, did you?
Aww. - [coughing]
*
[cheery music]
*
- Today's the big day.
The delivery you've been waiting for
has finally arrived.
It's the magic of catalog living in the 's.
Hello, Mr. Buddy Cole!
Don't you look swell?
Bring it right in, boys.
Easy, easy, there.
Uh-oh.
There's a COD charge.
Not much though, just ¢.
You'll just have to work an extra hour at the salon
tomorrow.
Bye, fellas.
You've done a good job.
Chalk up another one for the working man.
Meet your new male sl*ve.
First, you'll need to brand him.
Ow!
That smarts.
Then he'll need a few days
to acclimatize himself to his surroundings.
After all,
he's just be separated from an international cartel
of white slavers,
so he'll miss the other slaves back at the harem.
So be firm.
But remember, your sl*ve needs lots of love and attention
these first few weeks.
Oh, it looks like someone thinks
that life can go on just the way
that it was before.
That's when trouble happens.
Uh-oh.
He won't do that again.
The next thing you'll want to do is train your sl*ve.
Every sl*ve needs to know where to do his duty.
Of course, there can be accidents.
That's were discipline comes in.
A well balanced diet
is essential to a sl*ve's well-being.
But take care not to overfeed your sl*ve,
or else this might happen.
In order to keep your sl*ve's muscles firm
and functioning and to keep his coat glossy,
make sure you give him at least two walks a day.
You can even use this time as an excuse to get out
and enjoy some fresh air.
There's Mrs. Kessler with her new baby.
Say hello, Mr. Cole.
These two obviously have a lot to catch up on.
Let's leave them for a moment
and talk about something a little more serious now.
Here's Dr. Robert English to tell us more.
- People who own slaves have been proven to live longer,
have lower cholesterol,
and an overall sense of well-being.
Research has shown that seniors can add years to their lives
with a loyal sl*ve.
- Well, good-bye, Doctor.
Let's see what's happening with our friends back on Elm Street.
Oh, Mr. Cole!
You've been so busy gossiping
that you didn't even notice your sl*ve slipping away.
Bad 's h*m* stereotype!
Luckily for you, slaves have a built-in homing instinct.
Maybe if you spent more time playing with your sl*ve
and less time playing with yourself,
he wouldn't feel compelled
to act out in such an anti-social manner.
An unhappy sl*ve is a potential k*ller.
So, take the time each day to play with your sl*ve.
Remember, a sl*ve treated with love and respect
can live up to years.
- What?
I was told they only live six months,
you know, like sea monkeys?
Well, this one's going right back to the store.