02x22 - Episode 22

[bunniefuu]

[sirens]

- Sarge couldn't come;

he said you could give your report to me.

- Okay, well, I first noticed the gentleman

down on the boardwalk here.

He was harassing passers-by.

When I approached him to question him,

he struck me as disoriented and confused.

I asked him to produce ID; he would not do so.

And he became abusive towards the badge,

so I placed him under arrest.

- And that's when you locked your keys in the car?

- Yep.

- Is this the gentleman here?

- Yeah, that's him.

[laid-back rock music]

♪

- Oh, my God, that was quite a meal there, Tom.

- Thank you.

- I think I'm going to bust a gut.

- I hope I didn't overdo it with the spices.

- No, no, but I'll tell you,

I bet I pay for it later, though.

You don't mind, do you?

Ugh!

Let that whale out. Ugh!

- Honey, please, would you not--

- Oh, come on. Jeez.

Politeness is for strangers on a train.

- Oh, that's true. - Not for old friends.

How long we known you guys, anyways?

- Oh, gosh, must be, um... - Nine years.

If you include the year and a half

that Thomas spent in the coma.

- The salad years, huh?

- Nine years.

Jeez, that's a long time, eh?

God, I bet you guys would even mind if I

hiked my pants down a little, now would you?

- Oh, make yourself at home, pal.

- Honey, honey, please.

- Hey, Nina, would you loosen up, please, okay?

This is the Peaks here, our oldest friends in the world.

I mean, you guys wouldn't even mind

if I did a little dance, would you?

A little bit of a dance, eh?

[laughter]

♪ Da-da da-da

♪ Hava nagila hava

Hey, whoa, whoa, jeez!

What happened there?

[laughing]

Did you see that?

- Oh, what a guy.

- Thank God we're old friends, eh?

- Oh, you're so right, pal.

- Jeez, that's the thing about old friends

is they understand everything, you know?

They know you inside out, you know?

- They don't care what you do. - That's true.

I mean, it's just a harmless peck

on your wife's lips, eh, Tom?

- Ha! You bet, pal.

- Okay, honey, you're embarrassing me now.

- Relax, Nina, I'm fine; I'm a grown woman.

- Yeah, come on, Nina. Bram's just having us on.

- Sure am.

I mean, what I'm having is having you on.

- Yeah.

I mean, what else could it be as I undo your wife's dress

and run my calloused, carpenter's hand down her back?

- Feels like friendshipto me.

- And surely we're all hip enough to recognize this

as a classic burlesque of standard social interaction,

as I pick your wife up,

carry her over to the dining room table...

Lay her down--whoa!

And proceed to make love to her

in a way that you never had the guts to try.

Eh, buddy? Eh, friend? Huh?

Eh, Barney to my Fred?

- He wanted to, but he just couldn't.

He's impotent.

You don't mind if I tell him you're impotent, do you, honey?

- Mind? Why, I insist on it.

Why shouldn't these good people know about my problems

with the old dingly-dangly, eh?

- You're next, pal.

I want you in me.

- Sorry, no can do.

Although I'd love to.

Oh, sure, Nina, I experimented with h*m* in college.

But, then, who didn't? - Oh, I know.

- Oh, and I drank human blood. - Really?

- There, I said it, and I feel better for having said it.

- Good for you.

- Could I get you a liqueur, Nina?

- No. - No?

- I don't like liqueurs.

- No? - No, I don't.

Have I been forcing you to drink liqueurs for nine years?

- Oh, no.

And you know one other thing?

- What? Tell me.

- Well, do you remember that lamp that you

gave us for Christmas?

- Yes, of course I remember.

- And we told you that we broke it?

- And that's fine. I understand that.

- No, we didn't break it.

- We hated it. We just threw it out.

Oh!

- So you didn't like the lamp, is that it, Nina?

- Well--

- Hey, honey, you hear about the lamp?

- Yes, I certainly did, and suddenly I have a headache.

We do have to get up early for work

in a couple of days.

- I mean, I mean--

- I guess we better be going.

So, uh, thanks for the lovely dinner.

- Oh, well, thanks for coming over.

- Nice evening. - It was a lovely meal.

- Stop it--haven't you done enough damage already?

I'm sorry, you know, she just--

- It's all right. It's best that we--

I mean, but the ashtrays before were fine.

- Please, please. We're adults.

- Okay, thank you.

- Well, I hope-- - Good night.

- Well, you ruined another dinner party.

- Well, I guess we have lousy taste in lamps, honey.

- I guess we do.

[laid-back rock music]

♪

[muttering]

-♪ Alouette, gentille alouette, Alouette, je te plumerai ♪

♪ Je te plumerai la tête, Je te plumerai la tête ♪

♪ Et la tête, et la tte ♪

[thunk] - Oof!

♪ Alouette, gentille alouette, Alouette, je te plumerai ♪

♪ Je te plumerai le bec, Je te plumerai le bec ♪

♪ Et le bec, et le bec, ohhhh ♪

- Shh!

[thunk]

[thunk] Oof!

♪ Alouette, gentille alouette, Alouette, je te plumerai ♪

- Do we go after him, Jacques?

- No, Francois, let that one go; he has spirit.

Someday he may be vice president.

♪ Alouette, gentille alouette

- Ah, we've had a good day, Francois.

But we must take care not to deplete the stock.

- True.

We don't want to make the same mistake

we made with the beaver.

- Oh, the beaver-- what were we thinking?

- Where were our heads?

- Oh, we've got to learn to think--

- With our heads-- where were our heads?

- Jacques, Francois!

So, what have you brought me today?

- We have some Fendi and some Perry Ellis, Hugo Boss,

and of course, many, many Armani.

- Fresh. - Ah, yesterday's k*ll.

♪ Alouette, gentille alouette, Alouette, je te plumerai ♪

- Little hair of the dog.

- So you're painting the chair, eh?

- Yeah, that's what I'm doing, all right.

- That's why I stopped. - I see.

- So I suppose you want me to paint your chair.

- No thanks, I'll do it fine.

- Oh, okay.

There's this kid in my class, and she lives on her own

without any parents or guardians, and she's eight.

And she took the number off her house

so the cops can't find her to take her to jail,

and also she took off the mailbox,

so they can't send her a letter to say she's in trouble

and has to go to jail.

And she's eight, like I say.

- Eight, that's young.

- Yeah.

And in the garage is the skeleton of a coyote.

And it's one of those real valuable ones,

and that guy from the news

already tried to buy it three times.

- Really? - Yeah.

So I suppose you want me to paint your chair.

- No, I'm doing fine,thanks.

- Okay.

These guys smoke.

- They smoke? - Yeah.

- Wow. - And they're bad.

And you know what?

They taught a dog to smoke.

You believe that?

- Sure, I believe that.

- Yeah, well, it's true.

And they taught him to beg for cigarettes,

door to door.

So right away when this poor little devil

would ring your doorbell with his schnoz,

you'd know right away what he wanted.

So you'd give him a cigarette,

and he'd take it back to these guys

who waited by the fence to smoke,

and they didn't care who saw them smoke.

These guys sure smoked.

- Really?

- I guess I should go.

- Well, thanks for stopping by.

- Okay, I'll stay.

Hey, did you ever eat a snowball?

- No, no I didn't.

- Onions is all I eat.

Oh, yeah, the government wanted me to tell you

that in the sewer there's this animal

that's k*lling everything, and nothing can stop it,

and the only thing that can even slow it down

is really expensive perfume.

You want to know why?

Do you want to know why?

- Why?

- Because it's got a metal head.

[laughs]

Scary, eh? Yeah.

Why are you painting so fast?

- I just want to get this done before the rain comes.

- Well, I already painted a whole bunch

as a science fair project.

My dad and I, one time, one summer--

we built a veranda without any tools.

Therefore, I should paint your chair.

- Look, you can paint this bit right here, okay?

- What would something like that pay?

In England, everyone only has one spoon.

- Yeah, and that's your spoon for your entire life, right?

And if you lose it, you starve to death

unless somebody in your family wills you their spoon.

And they have spoon millionaires in England, right?

- I kinda heard that, yeah.

So should I come in your house now and eat?

- No.

- I can't have an onion?

- No.

- Okay, I gotta go.

I'm in the middle of a big bike race.

[cheerful music]

♪

- Attention: owner, occupant, or visitor

at Ossington, come out the front door

with your hands in front of you.

You are surrounded.

[g*nf*re]

So what do you think a house like that is worth, anyway?

About $,?

- Jeez, I'd have to see inside.

- Yeah, you're right.

- Unit , we have a data update.

- Go ahead, .

- Your hunch was right: there are two bathrooms.

- Thanks, Doug.

Yeah, I'd have to say $,,

although a sh**t like this

just makes the property value go right down.

- You're right. Tell you what.

I'm going to run around back and see how big the yard is.

Cover me.

[g*nf*re]

- Are you dead?

[door buzzes] - Ooh!

Don't go. I'm home.

[door buzzes]

Who is it?

- It's me, Max Davis.

I answered your ad in the personals.

We have a date tonight.

- Oh, yeah?

Are you my date? - Yes, I am.

[both groaning]

- Well, I bet your mother gave you a name.

What is it?

- Uh, I said it was Max.

- Oh, yeah. Come on in, Max.

- No.

- What, you want to eat dinner out here?

I did last night.

- So you're not from Toronto?

- No, just north of it. Come on in.

- Oh!

Well, what are you?

- God, you're not too bright.

I'm a chicken lady.

- A chicken lady.

- Yup, and I love life.

Do you love life?

- Oh, yeah. - I thought you might.

- Because I put that in my personal ad:

"chicken lady loves life."

- Gee, I never took that literally.

I never-- - No?

- I never really took "chicken lady" literally.

- Oh, you're not too bright. - No.

- Just the way I like them.

See, that's my mom.

And that's my Dada.

He left town the day I was born.

They say he ain't never coming back.

- Papa was a rolling stone, huh?

- Let's get a look at you.

God, you're different.

- Oh?

- Yeah, all the other guys are usually a lot bigger.

- Oh.

- But I got tired of paying for it.

Darn near couldn't make my rent this month.

- Well, I guess it adds up.

- Because it adds up.

Yeah, yeah, it adds up.

So do you like the place?

- Oh, yeah, sure. It's really nice.

I can't stay.

- Sure you can!

Have a seat.

So, what is it you do?

- I'm a banker.

- God, you must be thirsty.

Can I get you a beer, or would you like to

just drink out of the toilet?

- A beer.

- Okay, suit yourself.

Hey, would you like to sign my yearbook?

- Oh, no, thank you.

- High school was hell for me. - Oh, really?

- All the other kids teased me.

- Wow, imagine that.

- If you want to stay in my good books,

don't call me a bird brain.

If you want to say in my good books, which you do.

- Gravel and grubs, gravel and grubs,

I love to eat my gravel and grubs.

Oh, I made you an omelet,

on account of I figured you might not like bugs.

- Oh, thank you. - Go ahead.

Tuck in.

- Ah, good.

- Of course it's good, because they're fresh--

straight out of my body and onto your plate.

[both screaming]

Oh, my God!

- Wait, don't go.

Hey, hold up-- oh, darn.

Oh, hi, Susan.

Oh, say, that's a nice hunk you got there.

Mine ran away.

- [groaning]

I know what you're going to do in there.

Gotta get laid, gotta get laid.

Oh, great, bucks.

Hello, stud line?

Is Gunther working tonight?

Oh, good, I like him a lot. Send him up.

Yep, same address.

[upbeat music]

♪

[eerie music]

♪

- Good evening, and welcome

to the Pit of Ultimate Darkness.

Hello, I'm your host, Sir Simon Milligan.

For those of you without a brave heart,

get up, go to your television sets,

and turn the station.

Go ahead, exercise your right to be a coward.

Now, for those of you with a brave heart

and for those of you who have stayed,

look into my face and know to look into my face

is to look into the face of evil.

Yes, I'm a man possessed by many demons--

polite demons that would open a door

for a lady carrying too many parcels,

but demons nonetheless.

Yes, I have walked along the path of evil many times.

It's a twisting, curving path that actually leads

to a charming block garden,

but beyond that, evil!

And now, I'd like to bring on one

who could be the spawn of Satan himself.

Manservant Hecubus.

Good evening, Hecubus.

Are you ready?

- I am ready to serve you, Master.

And Satan!

- Good!

Then let the proof of evil begin.

Hecubus, pick a card! Pick any card.

- No. - Pardon?

- No! - Evil! Evil!

Impolite and evil!

Hecubus, have you seen the movie "Presumed Innocent"?

- Yes, I have, Master-- and his wife k*lled her.

- But Hecubus, I haven't seen the movie yet.

[whispers] Evil, evil.

- It is now time for the sleep of ages.

Sava, lava, cuti!

Hecubus, can you hear me?

- Yes, Master.

- If Hecubus is sleeping, how can he hear me?

Maybe because he's lying?

♪ Dirty, dirty liar

♪ Evil, evil white boy

Hecubus lied! He lied, he lied, he lied.

Remember, people--do not fear the evil that surrounds you.

Do not avoid the hounds of hell.

Do not avoid the beasts of brimstone.

Do not avoid the puppies of purgatory.

You must always embrace the hellfire.

Hellfire, hellfire!

Thank you, goodnight.

If you haven't already, please call your mom.

- Terrific! Great! Great stuff.

At last, a show for me,

a show that speaks to me!

That was great. That--

Oh, "Golden Girls."

- You know, I never told my dad I loved him.

- Well, you really should, you know?

- I can't.

- How come?

- I don't.

- That's heavy.

- Yeah, not really.

-I saw this great movie last night.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

-It starred Francesca Fiore and Bruno Puntz Jones.

Bruno Puntz Jones plays this-- thanks--

like, an aid to this powerful Argentinean general, okay?

The general falls in love with Bruno Puntz Jones,

and they have an affair.

And then the general's wife finds out,

and she tells Francesca Fiore.

- Who's Francesca Fiore?

- Oh, well, she plays this aging movie star

who's having an affair with the general's wife.

Oh, they're also having an affair.

- Who, Francesa Fiore and Bruno Puntz Jones?

- And she's also seeing a senator.

- So she's screwing everybody?

- Basically, yeah.

There's this incredible scene where Francesca Fiore

confronts Bruno Puntz Jones about the affair.

- Which one?

- Huh? - Which affair?

The affair between Francesa Fiore and the senator's wife,

or the affair between Bruno Puntz Jones

and Francesca Fiore?

The affair between-- are the generals--

- I don't know. I don't know.

You see, because they only talk in movie metaphors, right?

It's all subtext. - Oh.

- I see this fantastic American movie last night,

Bruno Puntz Jones.

It was about these two guys who see movie, ah?

And one of them, he like this movie

very, very much.

But the other one, he no see,

or so he say.

But I think they both see the same movie.

What you think?

Francesca Fiore, you know I don't like American movies.

Always the car chase, ah?

- But you know, I think you would laugh

at the part where he mix it up, the plot.

- What you say? - I say what I say!

- Francesca Fiore's pet alligator

gets loose the night of the big party

and eats Bruno Puntz Jones.

- Bruno Puntz Jones!

Don't be eat by alligator, ah?

It's party! I be mad.

- Maybe it was Francesca Fiore who got eaten by the alligator.

- Oh, no, alligator, don't eat Francesca Fiore.

What, you think this good? It's bad! Ugh.

- There wasn't any alligator at all.

It was a car chase.

- I hate car chases.

- What about Bruno and Francesca?

- Oh, this is amazing.

She's totally destroyed, right?

So she goes down to the beach to have a cigarette and reflect.

[seagulls cawing]

[thump]

- Wasn't that "Spring Break"?

- Mmm, you're right.

It doesn't matter, because the ending is unbelievable.

She disguises herself as a man, right?

And she goes down to the bar, and she gets really drunk.

She's sitting there, and then all of a sudden,

she hears this song.

And it reminds her of her girlhood in Uruguay,

and it touches her in a place that she thought was dead.

And she feels her senses

start to stir.

And it pulls her up off the barstool.

She gets up. She begins to dance.

She's no longer Francesca Fiore,

but a little flower girl in Uruguay,

selling flowers to the tourists,

and she dances and dances, and there's nothing but dancing

and wine, and she's a young girl,

and everything is nice,

and everybody loves her.

And she--

[music stops]

- Francesca Fiore.

- Bruno Puntz Jones.

- Stop your dancing.

You're making a fool of yourself.

- No.

[gasps]

- And say good-bye to your American lover.

- What?

[g*nsh*t] No!

- Wow, what a complicated plot.

- No!

They would never k*ll hero in American movie, ah?

- No.

With them, it's always the happy ending.

- Yes, always the football player throw the ball

for the big win.

- Ah, yes.

Always the puppy licking the face.

[Flamenco music]

- Bruno, let us go k*ll ourselves.

- Yes, Francesca. Yes.

Yes, Francesca Fiore. - Bruno Puntz Jones.

- Francesca Fiore. - Bruno Puntz Jones.

- Honey? Honey?

Could you bring up the malt vinegar, please?

Thanks, honey.