06x04 - Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

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[whistling nonchalantly]

- Dad, I have a question. - sh**t.

- Have you ever been drunk?

[paper rustles]

- Not that I can remember. - That's good!

[footsteps recede, sinister music starts]

- What could I say? Of course, I've been drunk.

In fact, I'm almost always drunk.

My daughter can never know my true identity. I'm...

[dramatic sting] Super Drunk!

[paper crinkles, dramatic sting]

Owwww!

[suspenseful music]

By day, I'm a twice-divorced mattress salesman,

but usually around noon every day, I transform into...

[dramatic music] Super Drunk!

[cap popping off bottle]

[slurring] You too, Buddy Boy!

Being drunk gives me the super-human ability

to fight with the bravado of ten men.

Robber!

Un-hand that bicycle!

[thuds against wall]

[hands squeak on poll]

[Super Drunk] With the aid of my friend, the Bartender,

we make a dynamic team.

[dramatic music] - We've got justice...

on tap! [dramatic sting]

[Woman] Help! Help! Help! Help!

- That sounds like trouble, Super Drunk.

- Set me up. - You got it.

[glass clunks, tumbler whooshes]

[martini burbles, olives splash]

[superhero music]

[slurps loudly]

[belches] - It's happy hour!

But not for criminals.

[Woman] Help! Help!

Help! Help!

- [exhales] Listen here, bitch.

I need your bling.

- What is this bling you speak of?

[Super Drunk] [slurring] Hey, you there!

[running footsteps approach] Stop! Stop what you're doing.

- Yeah? Who's gonna stop me?

- Super Drunk, that's who.

Take a look.

You think you're so fen... denim...

and everybody's in... evit...

- Ah, he's slurring his words. His powers are kicking in.

- I'm gonna...

uh, hold on, I gotta drain the snake.

[urine trickling, superhero music]

[zipper whooshes]

- There, power's fully activated!

- Okay, back to business, Burglar Boy.

[tearful] Although, why do we have to fight?

Why can't we just be friends, man?

You know, just friends.

Come on, just gimme a little hug.

[hard kick] Ah! - Ooh!

- That was a ruse!

Heh, heh, heh.

- Thank you, Super Drunk, you've saved my life.

And made me just a little bit sad.

[Bartender] Come on, Super Drunk, I'll buy you a sh*t.

[happy ending music]

[♪ Shadowy Men: "Having an Average Weekend"]

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[sign buzzes, lazy jazz plays]

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[papers crinkling]

- Non, c'est pas possible.

Michelle!

- Quoi, Sylvie?

Why you cry to me?

- Look, we are out of chocolates.

- No! It's not possible!

- That's just what I said.

In French.

- month we are on this couch.

- I hate this couch. - I hate this couch.

- And now, une crise de chocolat.

- So, no man will bring us chocolate no more.

[papers crinkle]

[mournful music]

- [gasps] - Why you gasp?

- J'ai une idee.

Why we need these men?

To order us bonbons?

We can do for ourselves.

- Yes, we can buy our own chocolate.

- Yes. [Both] Passez-moi L'iPad.

- Hmm. - No, where it is?

- You have? - No, you have.

- You have. - No, no, you have.

- No, I don't. - No, you have.

- No, I don't have. - No, I don't see nowhere.

- I don't have. You have last. - Where is it? [gasps]

- [gasps] Merde!

[ominous music sting]

- The iPad, it recharges.

- Sylvie? - Quoi?

- Cherchez L'iPad. Please?

- Okay. Hmm.

[blanket rustles]

- Oh. - Go. Allez.

- Uh.

[grunts] - Almost there.

- [exhales in defeat]

Hmm. I try. - You did not try.

- I try. - Try again.

- Okay.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh.

- Hmm. - Oh, I can't, it's too hard.

You must go. Cherchez L'iPad.

- I will try.

Oh. It's too hard.

- No, I need chocolate. Je souffre!

Go! - It's too hard!

- You should have gone. Hm. - You should have gone!

[leg thuds] - Ow! You--

- You should have gone! [Both grunting]

[Jean-Pierre] Oh, merde! - [gasps] Jean-Pierre!

- Ugh! - How long you down there?

- Uh, too long. [lips purse]

months I lie under your legs.

Listening to your pointless conversations

about chocolates and iPads.

I will cherchez L'iPad.

[Sylvie and Michelle gasp] [Michelle] Bravo.

[cigarette plunks in drink] - Ahhhh.

[ice clinks]

[sheet ruffles] [Sylvie and Michelle gasp]

- My legs, they have shrunk!

- [giggling] - He's so petite.

- If I should jump from this couch,

the fall, she could k*ll me.

- No! - Jean-Pierre, don't go.

- Adieu! - Be careful!

[bones cr*ck, Sylvie and Michelle scream]

- [grunts] - You okay?

Jean-Pierre! [legs thumping]

Faites-attention! - Please, it's dangerous.

- Be careful. Oh! Oh! [legs thumping]

- Oh, I am so scared. - I'm scared for him.

[Jean-Pierre] Silly women!

We have been visited by irony.

Look, I cannot reach the iPad.

- Oh no!! - No!!

- I will need a boost.

- Yeah, but who do you want to come?

- I am indifferent.

- No, no, Michelle, Jean-Pierre.

- No, it should be Sylvie. - Is it her, or me?

- I repeat, I do not care. - Decide!

- Michelle should go.

- I will die! - I refuse!

[Both] Decide! Decide! [Jean-Pierre] No!

Decide! Decide!

♪♪♪

[ice clinking, liquid burbling]

[Super Drunk] Super Drunk, Act Two!

[hands squeak on poll]

- Somebody had a wild night.

- Yeah, I fought so much crime that I blacked out.

What happened?

- Well, you saved the world, slept with a waitress,

and pissed yourself.

Unfortunately, not in that order.

- Ouch.

- Well, don't you worry about it,

I've fixed you one of my specialties.

Gatorade, bacon, and a sh*t o' rye.

- No can do, Bartender.

I promised my daughter I'd take her on her class field trip.

[phone ringing] - Well...

[lid clatters, ringing intensifies]

- That's why those eggs are there.

- Hello?

All right, I'll let him know. [receiver plunks]

Super Drunk, there's trouble at the CN Tower.

[suspenseful music]

♪♪♪

- Back off, Pigs, or the tower gets crushed.

[suspenseful music]

[officer over megaphone] Head Crusher, stop!

Come on, let's play ball, here. You have any demands?

[megaphone clicks off] [paper crinkles]

- Three thousand dollars,

and a new folding chair,

and a ginger ale, right now! I'm thirsty.

[Officer] Write this down.

- A broken cuckoo clock,

and a picture of Joseph Bros. Tito in a frame!

[suspenseful music starts] - Ha! Huh?

[Announcer] Stay tuned for the thrilling conclusion

of... Super Drunk!

[Announcer] Friends of "Kids in the Hall"

Number , Aaron.

- Uh, I'm a writer.

Uh, so far, I've written poems

about my mother's death.

Uh...

she's still alive, so, she's not the biggest fan.

Um, my wife loves 'em, though. [small laugh]

[Announcer] Friends of "Kids in the Hall"

Number . Aaron.

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[Dave] [southern accent] Now, the thing is,

this was Miles Davis' saxophone.

[Kevin] Really? Miles Davis actually played this?

- Well, no sir, he didn't play it,

but he did, he did have possession of it briefly,

until he threw it at a roadie while screaming,

"I play the f*ckin' trumpet!"

- I'll give $ for it.

- Sweet! Deal.

- Got anything else? - Uh yeah, well you know what,

I saved the best for last. - Yeah, yeah.

- Yeah, now this here, I got in the s,

but I think it's probably reaching a real sweet value,

about now. This here, sir,

is an authentic, vintage Kevin McDonald skit.

- Do you have a Scott Thompson?

When his sketches were banned,

the price went through the roof!

- Um, I'm not a rich man, sir. I...

all I got's this Kevin McDonald skit,

but it's a real good one. It's got all the air marks

of a classic Kevin McDonald sketch.

It's got that uh, the crazy high voice.

- Oh, the high voice. - And uh...

the-the finger wagging for no apparent reason.

Oh, and he plays himself in it, too.

- Yeah, he did that a lot.

- Yeah, he did that a whole lot.

- Okay, then, well, let's check 'er out.

- Oh, you're gonna love it.

You're gonna be real happy I brought this in.

[tape clunks, machine whirs]

[Man] Hey, Kev, haven't seen you since your divorce.

Heard it went badly.

[canned laughter] - Yeah, I... lost everything.

Even my house.

All I have left is my gorilla suit.

I live... in my gorilla suit.

Do you know what it's like bringing a girl home

to a gorilla suit?

- Gee, that's tough. [canned laughter]

- I'll say! [tape clicks off]

[Kevin] Oh, right. This sketch, yeah.

Unfortunately, it isn't very popular anymore.

I'll give you $ for it. - Oh, I'm sorry, sir,

but that's gonna have to be a hard pass.

I mean, I paid $ for it, years ago.

- Yeah,

there's a lot of Kevin McDonald sketches in the world,

and the problem with this one is it's uh,

classified as "Gooney".

- Gooney was all the rage. And that skit,

well, it went up in value, up to about $,!

- Yeah. - But I guess I got a little greedy

and I figured I could ride that Gooney train all the way home,

if you know what I mean. - Hmm.

- And then, you know, then that bubble burst, and ever since,

I've just been holdin' on to it and...and hopin'.

- $. My final offer.

- Oh, but you just said $! - I say lots of things.

For example, now I'm saying $.

- That is just an insult! I mean...

I mean, Kevin McDonald?

Kevin McDonald's one of the most dynamic

and dangerous comedians of our time.

Gee, that seems like a weird thing for me to say.

- I don't think it's weird, at all. Please continue.

- All right, well you know, I just think, sir,

that it is wrong that Kevin McDonald's

been relegated to the Gooney file.

I mean, did you know that he did Shakespeare?

And that doesn't feel right, either.

- [high voice] I'll say! He also did a David Mamet!

- Hold the phone.

Wagglin' finger and crazy high voice.

Are you Kevin McDonald?

- Yes! - Well, that must mean I'm...

- Yes! You are currently...

in a Kevin McDonald sketch.

- Wait a minute. [mirror clatters]

Ungh! [sets wig down heavily]

I'm Dave Foley!

[Kevin laughs] - Kevin!

[laughs excitedly] - You promised you'd never

do this to me again. - Sorry!

- And why did you make me Southern?

I can't do a Southern accent. - I know!

[laughs] - [exasperated sigh]

You know what? I'm outta here. This is ridiculous.

[Kevin laughs hysterically] [door rumbles]

- All right, Dave storms to the door,

only to find it locked. [laughs hysterically]

- Fine, Kevin, let's just get this over with.

How does this sketch end? - There is no ending.

I have nowhere to go!

- Kevin! [glasses rattle]

You can't do this to me! I have a family!

They were just learning to love me!

- Hey, let's improvise! - Improvise?!

- Yes! - You bastard!

[Kevin laughs]

- Uhhhhh.

- Doctor, Doctor, um, you have to look!

I-I have an unusually large growth on my bum!

[canned laughter] - No, Kevin,

oh, that is so cheap.

♪♪♪

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[Announcer] And now, the thrilling conclusion of...

Super Drunk!

- Don't stall now. I'm thirsty!

[robot creaks, whirs]

- Okay, come! Come forward! That's good. Good!

[robot whirs] - Bring me that ginger ale.

[controller creaks]

Keep to my left. No, your right.

Stop it! Your sex machine is thieving me!

Give me that!

Okay, you flat foot,

you're all going to get flat heads! Ah! Ah!

[ominous music]

[Bartender] So, what's it gonna be, caped cocktailinator?

- I've gotta save Toronto's only landmark.

- Wait...

I'm afraid this one calls for the Jager.

- Oh no, that sh*t be nasty!

- You know it, m*therf*cker!

[glasses thud, Jagermeister burbles]

[slurps voraciously, upbeat music]

[glasses thud]

- All right, Super Drunk, just one more!

- [slurring] No can do, I'm blotto.

- Just drink it, ya big baby!

- That makes perfect sense. [slurps]

♪ These are the Daves I know, I know ♪

♪ These are the Daves I know ♪

Ow!

[thudding blow] - Oh!

- I f*ckin' love you, man! - I know.

- Let's go. Come on! [hands squeak on poll]

What are you, my f*ckin' dad?

You're a f*ckin' pole.

I pissed your pole. - [big sigh]

[ominous music]

[Officer] Head Crusher, we've met one of your demands!

Don't be rash!

- What's the sitch, bitch?

- Well, as you can see, he's out of control.

- Ah! I wanna meet the letter H!

- The kids are safe. For the moment.

- Kids? What kids?

- You know the field trip, uh, your daughter?

- How would you know if I do, or do not have a daughter?

Nobody knows Super Drunk's true identity.

- Well, actually uh, most of us cops do.

From that time we had to take your mask off

when you puked in it.

- Yeah, thanks for that. - Okay, we're not that close.

[suspenseful music] - Ha! Ha! Ha!

- Uh oh, if his thumb and forefinger touch,

it's curtains for...

Toronto's phallic landmark.

- How do we stop this tyranny?

- Let's do a sh*t.

[upbeat music]

[spits violently, alcohol burbles]

[slurps loudly] Owww!

- How long does it take to get a picture of Tito?

- Hey... I have an idea.

- Super Drunk's got an idea!

♪♪♪

- Hey, you're not a cuckoo clock!

That's it! I'm crush-- - Ah!

- Ah! No! Stop!

No! - I can't

[effort grunts]

- Tyranny is over. - Ah! Ungh!

[thudding blow, crashes to ground]

[upbeat music]

- I sometimes win.

- Great job, Super Drunk!

- Couldn't have done it without your help, Bartender.

Oh, look!

Who's this random little girl?

- It's okay, Dad. I know your secret.

- You do? And you're not mad?

- Most of my friend's dads just get drunk.

My dad is Super Drunk!

- Oh, gosh.

Hey, let me fly ya home.

- Dad, no, you've been drinking.

- Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter, 'cause I'm...

Super Drunk! [whooshes, upbeat music]

- Super Drunk, watch out for the CN--

Ah. [loud crashing in distance]

Hang on.

Hello, there's been an accident at the CN Tower.

We're gonna need an ambumblance.

♪♪♪

[solemn music]

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[coughing]

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[footsteps thud, dog barks in the distance]

[TV thumps]

- What's wrong with it?

- I dunno.

- Can't repair that? - Maybe.

Got a bigger one. - Hmm.

[footsteps recede]

[lid clunks, flies buzz]

What is wrong with people?

[suspenseful music]

[bags clunk]

[sirens wail in distance]

Hobe?

Somebody oughta do something.

[trumpets sound]

- Well, he was in remission.

Mm-hmm, a whole new round of chemo.

It's so expensive!

No, no, the coma was medically induced.

That cat is not even years old!

I don't-- - Why don' you just let it die?

- I don't mind a bald cat.

[trumpets sound] Mm-hmm, it's adorable.

[Man on TV] Okay, okay, just stop talking.

[Ellen mutters about cats] - Just answer the question.

[Man ] You're just confusing the issue.

- Stop talking. - Okay, I understand,

but answer the question.

- I don't know to say it any other way.

- Shut up, the both of you. [turns TV off]

- Good cat.

Good cat. [paper crinkles] Bad cat.

Good cat. [trumpets sound]

Ha! Good cat.

Ooh! Bad cat.

Good cat.

- Ellen. - Huh?

- I need you. - Need me? For what?

[militant drum music]

[cord jingles]

[militant drum music]

- Keep it comin'!

[cords clink]

- What are you doing?

- It's important! - What's important?

[dogs barking in the distance, drum music continues]

[feet shuffle]

[Ellen] That's it! I'm going inside!

- Yeah!

[remote clicks, trumpets sound]

[Man] Or I'm gonna turn this car around and get outta here.

- It's a perfectly good TV!

- I would love to lose my patience.

- Well, I've already lost mine. - That's it!

I'm going on patrol.

[dramatic suspenseful music]

[door creaks open]

[door clunks shut]

♪♪♪

[footsteps crunch]

[approaching footsteps crunch]

[sinister music]

- Hey, hey, hey, now! - Hey, hey.

- This your distress beacon?

- Probably.

- Are you... - On Patrol? Yeah.

Something's just not right in the neighborhood.

- I felt it, too!

[trumpets sound] [Mark] Yeah, I mean,

turned out to be a perfectly good television set.

- Well, you never see a dog on a leash anymore.

- No!

No, I saw this dog once, and he was in a car!

[loud scream, baton pierces]

[gasps, grunts]

[gasps for air]

[body clunks, items jingle]

- Oh, geez. Oh!

I didn't... I didn't...

I didn't mean to. I was just patrolling.

- So were we! [Dave] I-I just felt

there was something goin' on out there,

Like, you know, something was off.

- Yeah, we all felt that. - Yeah?

- Yeah. And this...

is proof that we were right. - Oh.

Oh, you're hurt bad, Buddy. - Promise me...

you'll find the others.

The ones like us.

Like the guy who just lost his job,

except he knows, knows...

- It's not his fault. - Yeah.

- Tell him I'll be there.

Like the guy who can't prove

that the news is lying to him.

- But he just sorta knows it somehow?

- Yeah. Tell him I'll be there. [Bruce] You'll be there.

[head clunks] - We can't let this hero die.

- Oh, geez. - What supplies do you have?

- I've got some almonds. - Good.

- And some string. What about you?

- I've got some knitting needles.

- All right! Hang in there, Buddy!

- Huh, we're gonna sew ya up! - Okay.

- This is gonna hurt! - Wait!

[drum roll]

He's dead.

[pepper mill clunks and rattles away]

[dramatic drum music]

[dramatic music crescendos]

♪ Patrolling patrollers ♪

♪ Go forth ♪

♪ You safe keepers ♪

♪ On patrol ♪

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