06x06 - Episode 6

[bunniefuu]

[switch clicks, alarm bell ringing]

[running footsteps thud]

[panting] - You rang, Don?

[switch clicks, ringing stops] - Yeah,

what's it gonna take to get you here faster, Marv?

Do we need to go back to the cattle prod?

- Well, that's your call, Don, but... please don't.

- Hmm.

Do you know what Amazon wants from "Kids in the Hall"?

- Y-yes, Don, a f-funny show,

but one that is free of targets,

topical topics, alarming edginess,

or unsettling settings.

- Right, that leaves puns, Marv.

- Yes, Don.

Oh, I-I-I do know a pun, Don.

It's a, it's a pun about the wind, but it blows.

[switch clicks, alarm rings]

[running footsteps thud]

[ringing stops] - Duck a l'orange.

- [sighs] Wrong f*cking bell.

You Harvard interns!

- Orange you glad I didn't say banana, Don?

Point taken.

Shall I just have the intern rough me up in an alleyway?

- No, that's a bridge too far.

Uh, have him do it here.

- Yes, that's much better, Don.

Have at it.

[thudding blows, grunting]

- Do you think this is a toxic workplace?

- Toxic? No, Don, no. Not at all.

- So, you feel heard? - Oh, very heard.

- Good, good. You'd tell me if you didn't.

- Oh, of course, Don. I consider you to be a friend.

- Right. Yeah.

[thudding blow] - Oh.

- Keep your face up, Marv. I can't see your pain.

- Yes, Don, of course. That'd be, that'd be much better.

[thudding blow] How's that?

- Yeah. That's good. - Hmm.

[♪ Shadowy Men: "Having an Average Weekend"]

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[doorbell rings]

- They're here!

Oh, you guys made it! - We brought you something.

- Oh, gifts, yippee. - Okay. Hey, enough about you,

where's this baby we came to see, huh? Come on!

- Oh, the perfect baby is fast asleep.

- Oh no!

- Yeah. - He's such a baby person.

- I'm gonna get you some wine. - Oh, great idea!

Oh, looky here, huh? Looks like somebody's

not getting a lot of sleep, huh, Papa?

- Yeah, but it's the most wonderful kind of exhaustion.

You know, it's like climbing Mount Everest barefoot,

and the mountain has no top, the sky has no sun.

Food has no taste. But I'm loving it!

I'm loving it! - Oh. That's great.

- So nice. That's so sweet, isn't it?

- Shut up, shut up, shut the f*ck up!

[baby cries] - The baby. The baby's awake.

I've gotta get the baby!

- Hormones, huh? - [chuckling]

- Ooh, don't tell her I said that.

- No. No. - No.

[oohs and ahs]

- This is our baby. - I called dibs in the car!

- Ooh! - Ah.

- Oh.

[Shirley] Maybe we should get a picture.

[Liam] Yeah, we should!

Do-do you want me to get the camera? I could--

- No, why don't I get the camera?

Why don't I birth the baby?

Why don't I do f*cking everything?!

- Hey, I just said you know, do you want--

[babbling, baby crying]

- So, waddya think? - Ohhhhh!

Honey, I don't like this baby.

[baby coos] - Well, give it more time.

- I don't need to give it more time!

This is a hateful baby. - That's ridiculous.

How could a baby be hateful? - Well, here, you hold it.

- Sometimes you're so... oh, my God! You're right!

- Yeah. - What a hateful baby!

- Uh-huh. Yeah! - Here, you take it!

- Argh! God! Oh!

It's almost like I'm cradling all of human suffering

in my arms! - Try singing to it.

- I-I can't. I can't. The only thing that comes to mind

are the lamentations of the damned,

or the-the death moans of the slaughterhouse,

or that song, "Yellow" by Coldplay!

- Oh! - Ah, take it!

- No! No! - You take it! You take it!

- So, how's it going with the baby?

- Great! - Yeah! Catch!

[baby whines] - Hoo-hoo!

- [relieved exhale]]

- It is so great that you bonded

immediately with our baby. - Yeah, because um...

there's something special we wanted to ask you guys.

- Ooh, are we gonna swing?

- Mm, no. - No.

- No, it's just, we've decided

that if anything should ever happen to us,

we want you guys to take our baby.

- Oh... that is such an honor.

- Such an honor. - Yeah.

- It's a great honor. - But...but we can't.

- We can't! - You can't? Why?

- You know, I've never been very good with babies.

I-I held one once, and it got stuck in a well.

- Come on. - Come on.

- You guys are just being nervous because you know

that this is a huge responsibility.

- And that's one of the reasons we chose you.

- Yeah. - You know...

I never really wanted a baby. As a hobby, I make my own IUDs.

- She started selling them on Etsy.

- Coffee money. - Yeah.

- Oh, well it sounds like you're easy going.

You won't be one of those helicopter mommies.

- Yeah! - Yeah. Actually...

that's one of the reasons... [Both] why we chose you.

- We're meth heads. - Big meth heads.

- Yeah, we love meth! - Love our meth!

Gotta have meth. Gimme some meth.

- Oh, come on, meth! - Oh, you are not meth heads!

- No. - No, you use it socially,

and alone in your cars, like we all do. Yeah.

- Yeah, and actually, that's one of the reasons...

[Both] why we chose you!

- What the f*ck? - Get the paperwork.

- I'll get the paperwork. - Stop!

We don't like your baby! - Honey!

- Well, it's true. - Yeah, but you can't say it.

- What is wrong with our baby?

- It's just not a fit. - Yeah. Yeah...

we just find your baby a tad hateful.

- [gasps] - We love you guys...

we just hate your baby. - We hate your baby.

- Get the f*ck out of our house!

- This is ridiculous. Let's go, Sweetheart!

- So, they don't like our baby.

- So, it's not just us then.

[door slams]

♪♪♪

[recording button beeps]

Brian? Are you rolling? - Yes.

- Good. Wanna make sure you get all the action.

- Oh yeah, Dad. No, it's brilliant.

You pacing around is just so thrilling.

So, why do I have to keep sh**ting this stupid thing,

whatever it is?

- Why do I have to co-sign when you need a hot tub?

'Cause that's what family does. - Oh, okay.

And where's Mom? - She's at the store.

- Uh- huh.

- It's all part of my master plan. [evil chuckle]

Oh, here she comes! - Oh.

- What's going on?

What are you two doing out here?

Is there a gas leak? - No.

- Oh, thank God.

Well, here's those dill pickle chips you needed so badly.

- I didn't need 'em.

- What are you doing? Put that phone down!

I don't wanna be filmed. - Well, Dad's makin' me.

- Give me that. Yeah, hey? How do you like it now?

- Mom, you're sh**ting yourself.

- Oh! There we go. - There ya go.

- Fran, would you stop it?

I'm trying to be romantic here. - [sighs in disgust]

- Fran... today is our anniversary.

- Gordon, you remembered! - Of course I did!

years ago today,

I didn't get to do the thing that some men do

on their wedding night.

- No dirty talk on the lawn, please.

- No, I'm not talking about that.

I didn't get a chance to carry you over the threshold.

- Oh, that's true. - Time to play our song.

[♪ The Stampeders: "Sweet City Woman"]

[purse thuds]

- Gordon. - Yeah.

Now, it's time for the lifting. Brian!

- Oh, yeah.

- Waddya weigh these days, Fran?

- Gordon, only a whore weighs herself.

- Okay, here we go. - Okay.

- Come on. - Let's go. What do I do?

- Hold on. - Okay.

- What's the littlest part of you?

- Uh, well that would be... up here! [chuckles]

- [effort grunts]

- He's gonna carry me over

the threshold, Maude. Can you believe it?

- Would ya stop it? Oh, no, no. Not yet.

Okay, now lift. Now, lift yourself. Lift your--!

You do the work! - Myself?

- Brian, help me!

- Oh, ha ha. Oh! That was wonderful.

- I can do better! Get on.

- Doesn't seem to make much sense.

- Get on! - I'll do my best!

- All my strength is...

Ah! You rollin'? [Brian] Oh, let me hit record.

[phone beeps]

[Brian] And we're cut. - Did ya get the lift?

- Yeah, I got. Oh sh*t, no. I--I...

- Brian!

♪ Sweet ♪

♪ Sweet city woman ♪

♪ You're my sweet, sweet, sweet city woman ♪

- Ooh! - Argh! Christ!

Why'd they put this hill here?

- You did! For drainage. - Ha, it's not gonna happen.

We're gonna have to go around back.

- You got your keys? - They're in the car.

- Oh, Gordon! - f*ck!

♪ Sweet city woman ♪

[Announcer] Friends of "Kids in the Hall"

Number , Michael.

- Hi, my name is Michael and I collect ducks.

How many do I have so far?

None.

Will I be training these ducks once I get them?

Try and stop me.

What will I be training them to do?

That's gonna be more of um...

a group decision.

Are you all invited once I'm done?

Uh, sadly, no.

I only have three chairs,

and I have no idea how many of those

the ducks are gonna need.

[Announcer] Friends of "Kids in the Hall"

Number , Michael.

[Mark] When you see a crowd, do you think,

hey, maybe I've got friends in that crowd?

Well, I worry that friends of mine,

who love me, and respect and admire me,

might be lost in that crowd.

Maybe trying to find other friends of Mark,

so they can talk all about me,

and why they're friends of Mark.

[echoing overlapping voices] Friends of Mark.

[eerie music]

- Please stop! I'm a friend of Mark's.

You're not friends of Mark.

This jostling is madness!

- You're all being so rude, I wish you would stop it.

I'm trying to find other friends of Mark!

Oh! [glass shatters]

- Away... from me!

I want more Mark. And friends of Mark.

Friends of Mark. - [giggles]

[Scott] I just wanna talk about Mark!

About what a great guy he is. No!!!

Hey, stop pushing me!

[Bruce] Friends of Mark.

- Stop it! Stop cartwheeling!

[Bruce] Friends of Mark.

- Oh!

[slurps drink] [voices] Friends of Mark.

- I need some "me time" with Maaaaark!

[Dave] Friends of Mark. - Friends of Mark.

[eerie music stops]

- [sighs] That's so sad.

But luckily, I'm the kind of friend

that comes up with great ideas. Like...

what if all the friends of Mark

had flags of Mark?

Oh. Oh! Ah!

[majestic music starts, flag flutters]

[Kevin] Friends of Mark!

Friends of Mark attend me!

[thunder cracks] Attend me, friends of Mark!

[footsteps thud]

Get down, you bastards. Get down!

Get down, or I'm gonna b*at you!

Hey!

- Flag of Mark!

[ding] [All gasp]

- There must be more! - Ah!

[ding, gasping] [Bruce] Flag of Mark.

[ding, gasps] Flag of Mark.

- Mm-hmm. Yeah.

[Bruce] Flag of Mark.

[thunder claps, then bright chimes]

- Hi, friends of Mark. [All] Hey!

- What I love about Mark

is that his dad used to be a diplomat.

- Yeah, he grew up everywhere.

- The whole earth was his home. [dramatic music sting]

- This guy sounds like a ton of fun!

Hey, I'm a normal, human guy. - Yes.

- Can I be a friend of Mark? - Hmm, sure.

But you'd better get yourself a flag.

- Can I buy yours?

- This is not for sale! - Oh.

- Oh, but he seems to have plenty.

- Hey, can I buy one of your flags?

[bright chime] - You sure can!

[Scott] Hey... [All] It's Mark!

[dramatic music]

- Mark, we were all just talking about you.

- That's one of my favorite subjects.

[laughter, flags flutter]

- Ours too.

[dramatic music, flags fluttering]

[evil laugh, flags fluttering]

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[phone beeps on] - Okay, new plan. - Oh.

- I'm gonna lower ya down through the basement window.

Brian, kick the window open. - Oh!

- Well, what if Mr. Lewis is home? Oh...

- What are you doing? - No big deal.

I'm just gonna lower my wife in through your window.

- Oh, I don't know how comfortable I feel about that.

What if I accidentally touch something I shouldn't?

Like a naughty bit? - Oh!

- Oh, why would you worry about that?

- I'm the only baritone in my church choir.

I can't be me too-ed.

- You don't look like a baritone.

- Not really.

♪ Onward Christian soldiers ♪

♪ Marching as to w*r ♪

- That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.

Okay, let's do it! - Oh. Let's do this!

- Oh! - Oh, what?

- Something popped. - Waddya mean?

- I smell pennies. - Oh no!

Gordon, I think you're having a heart att*ck.

My husband's having a heart att*ck!

- Sir, you need to go to the hospital!

- What I need to do is carry my woman

over the threshold. - Yeah. Yeah.

- Fine, we don't get paid enough for this anyways.

- No. Plus, I really wanna see this happen.

- Okay, Fran. - Yeah, yeah.

- I can't-I can't do it.

- Oh, that's all right.

Let me carry you, okay? Let me lift you.

- Good idea. - Hmm.

Oh!! Oh!! Oh!! Oh!!

Oh! Oh!

- Are you okay, Fran? - I don't know.

- You look okay. [footsteps shuffling]

[Fran] Oh. Ah!

- I think she had a spontaneous hysterectomy.

- No, it was a hernia.

- And he suffered two heart att*cks.

- You're not charging me double.

[Brian] I love you both! - Oh.

- Sir, I'm gonna need you to step back.

- Oh, he needs his mommy. - I need my mommy!

- Sir, step back! - We can't be separated.

- Yeah, we can. - Oh!

♪♪♪

[siren wails]

[ticker clicking]

- What's on your mind?

- Well, you hear about the gay pride parade?

- Oh, yeah. Yeah, I did.

- They won't let us cops march anymore.

- Well, not us, just you.

- Me? Why me?

- Yeah, 'cause ya, 'cause ya march weird.

- I do not! - Yes, ya do.

[laughs]

Come on, you can see their point.

- Well, I just don't know what to do with my arms.

- I'll say. - You do it!

[marches steadily]

- See? It's easy. - Yeah, you are pretty good.

♪♪♪

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[indistinct chatter]

- So, I think it's time to go.

- But I'm not drunk yet.

- Yeah, that's on you.

- Well, thanks a lot, Jake. Appreciate it.

- Yeah, I just think it's time to go.

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

- Okay. Well, I guess you like bananas, huh?

- Oh, yeah, you know, I love my bananas. Heh, heh.

[door creaks shut]

[eerie music] - Huh. [gasps]

Phil, I didn't know you were still here.

- Well, Jake, I really couldn't leave before discussing...

the bananas.

[eerie music]

♪♪♪

- Bananas? You know me, I'm Mr. Smoothie.

- But you really do have an awful lot of bananas, Jake.

- Well, of course I do.

Bananas in a smoothie give it texture.

A smoothie without bananas is a "watery".

- Yes, but it's such an intriguing order.

I mean, you have one banana here.

[feet shuffle]

And one banana here.

This banana is almost completely on top

of that banana, almost like they're having banana sex.

Very strange formation for bananas.

- Well, that's just the way they fell out

of the shopping bag. - Right, right.

They just fell out of the shopping bag that way.

- Yeah. - Right, that's quite normal.

Happens all the time.

Shopping bag falling. Right.

Or...!

You've got them in the exact position they need to be in...

to stop the Banana Demon of Trafalgar .

- Listen, Phil, I'm just a guy

trying to ripen his bananas.

- Right, right.

Now, I haven't read my copy

of "The Interdimensional Demons of the Trafalgar Systems"

for quite a while, but if memory serves,

I do believe that today is the Day of the Demon,

meaning that you need your bananas in that exact order

to stop the demon from entering!

- Phil, are you okay, or should I call someone?

- I mean, I don't blame you.

Who wants to be crushed by a banana demon? Not me.

I'm just saying, be honest about it.

That's all I'm saying, just be honest.

- Phil, you know I think you're a really cool guy.

- [chuckles]

- But I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

- Sure, no I-I understand. It's late. Sure thing.

- So, the door's over there. - I get it.

But before I go, I'm feeling a little peckish.

You don't mind if I... eat one of your bananas.

- Of course not.

- Just to remind you, it's-it's : a.m.

Could be a little tricky getting bananas, if I eat one.

[sinister music]

[sniffs] Mmm. Good-smelling banana.

This is gonna be tasty.

I'm about to start peeling, Jake.

Here I go.

Peeling.

[peel cracks lightly] - Stop it! I admit it!

I arranged those bananas in that way

to prevent the Banana Demon of Trafalgar

from entering my home and stealing my immortal soul.

Okay? You were right. Are you happy?

- I knew it, I'm just saying be honest about it.

That's all I'm saying, just be honest.

- Well then, put the bananas back.

- Oh right. - Quickly!

- Do the bananas go here? Or here?

- There's no time to wait. [loud warbling]

[demon voice] Jake Agnew!

I have come for you!

Oh no! The banana treatment, Jake Agnew!

I will save your--

[Demon] [normal voice] What the f*ck is this?

Huh?

This is the entrapment arrangement.

I can't get past this!

Look, you gotta do the release arrangement

so I can get outta here.

- Would you mind reminding me what the release pattern is?

- I can't tell you! There are rules!

Oh, for God's sakes, I would think that you would learn

all the banana patterns, before you went around

summoning a banana demon.

What the hell is going on?

- I don't know all the rules. I know seven.

- Well, that's enough. [Demon] Jesus Christ.

[Jake and Phil murmur]

[Demon] Oh, Colbert!

[Jake] [sighs] We'll neverfigure this out!

- What about this? [thunder claps]

[Demon] Well done, genius. You've summoned another demon.

[Demon ] Hi. Ooh, Colbert! Who's on?

- Nathan Lane,

telling wonderful stories about The Great White Way.

- Hey Jake, I know I've made a few missteps,

but we're close. We're super close.

[sinister music]

[Phil] I've figured it out!

I just need the last banana. - Are you looking for this?

[♪ The Knack: "My Sharona"]

- Excellent party, Jake. Thanks for inviting me.

I had a wonderful time.

[bananas thumping, window rasps open]

- Phil, what the hell? - I'll see you at work, Jake.

If I ever find out where you work.

♪ Such a dirty mind ♪ always give it up ♪

[Demons] Beer! Beer! Beer! Beer! Beer! Beer!

♪ For the touch of the younger kind ♪

♪ My, my, my, I, woo! M-m-m-my Sharona ♪

[Demons] Beer! Beer! Beer! Beer me!

♪♪♪

- Walk with me, Marv. Notebooky time.

- Ah, yes, Don.

- Yeah, re: "Kids in the Hall", Mark needs to lose weight.

- Horizontally or vertically?

- Uh, we're not fitting him for a space capsule.

- All right, horizontally it is.

- Point two, what's with the seaweed

on Kevin's head in every sketch?

- I believe that's his hair, Don.

- Ah. Right, okay. Point three, what...

[both thump into wall] [Don] Jesus,

what the hell is going on here, Marv?

- I think we've come to the end of the hall, Don.

- And what am I supposed to do?

- Well, I suppose we could uh...

you know, turn around.

- Marv, this is a walk and talk.

There are no turnarounds in a walk and talk.

- No, of course, of course not, Don.

Of course not. Hmm.

- This is a pickle. - Yeah, well, huh...

I think I know what's gonna happen, Don.

I'm gonna say, "Yes, it is," and you're gonna say,

"No, Marv." And then producean actual pickle. [chuckles]

- Marv, don't try and get ahead of me.

You're not that smart.

- No, Don, I'm not very smart.

[pickle crunches]

- This is just a coincidence, Marv.

- Yes, yes. Yes, Don. Obviously.

[pickle crunches]

♪♪♪

- Fran! - Gordon?

- Fran, I'm so sorry... - Yeah, yeah.

- ...that I couldn't lift you up.

- Oh, Gordon, none of that stuff matters.

What matters is that you cared enough

to have a heart att*ck. - I had two.

- Yep.

- You know what really makes me sad, Frannie?

- What? - Is that on our wedding night,

I didn't do that other thing that men sometimes do.

S-e-x. [coughs]

- Oh, oh! Oh, Gord. [chuckles]

You may not have had sex on our wedding night...

but your knee did.

[gown rustles] Yeah. Oh yeah.

Oh! I've been riding that saddle

for years.

God, I should write a country song about it. Oh.

- Hey Mom, did I miss any-- - Oh! Gee!

- Ah! - Mom, ah, Jesus, Mom,

what the f*ck are you doing? - What are you doing in here,

ya little perv? - Stop it!

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