06x07 - Alma Mater

[bunniefuu]

["The Christmas Waltz" by Peggy Lee plays]

♪ It's that time of year ♪

♪ When the world falls in love ♪

♪ Every song you hear... ♪

Ah. What about this one?

No.

God, you're 15, not 50.

[girl chuckles softly]

[woman] I like this.

You can't have a Christmas party
without a bit of glitter.

It'll show off your figure,
which the boys'll love.

Mum! [chuckles]

[woman sighs]

Can you remember where we parked?

- [girl] No.
- Serves us right for coming up to London.

Look.

Thank you. Merry Christmas.

[gasps]

Oh my God, it's Princess Diana.

Thank you. Merry Christmas.

[crowd clamoring]

[Diana] Know what? Here, can we have
some more of yours? We're selling out.

- [girl] Diana, can I have one, please?
- [chuckles] Thank you very much.

Here's a pound.

No, more than that.

[Diana] There you go.

- Merry Christmas.
- Here you go.

- Oh, sorry.
- Yeah.

[Diana] Selling like hotcakes.

- Uh, here.
- Ooh, that's very generous.

- What's your name?
- [woman] Catherine.

Uh, Kate's fine.

- Say thank you to Kate.
- Uh... [clears throat]

Thank you.

- [Diana] Merry Christmas.
- [woman] Merry Christmas.

Come on. Please.

["Silent Night" playing in distance]

Someone obviously made an impression.

He seems kind.

Has a nice face.

His mother's face is what he's got.

He has nice eyes too.

Well,

you never know.

[scoffs] Mummy, he's a royal prince.

So?

When I first met your father,
he was way out of my reach.

You know, I was just a lowly stewardess.

Trolley dolly.

While his grandmother had been friendly
with the Queen's aunt.

His father was an RAF pilot
who'd flown with Prince Philip.

[sighs]

I felt like
the luckiest woman in the world.

And then I started the family business

and became so successful
that your dad was able to leave his job

and come and work full-time
for something I'd created.

Then I realized
that maybe it was the other way around.

That he'd been lucky to have me.

Never underestimate yourself.

Never think there's anything in this world
you're not good enough for.

["Silent Night" fades out]

[theme music playing]

["Hey Boy Hey Girl" by
The Chemical Brothers playing in distance]

[music grows louder]

- [music blaring]
- [loud chattering and laughter]

[crowd singing]
♪ Happy birthday, dear William ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

[crowd chanting] Drink! Drink! Drink!

[music fades out]

[exhales deeply]

[indistinct chattering]

[sighs]

f*ckers. Every one of them.

Scum of the earth.

Yeah.

Don't worry, bro.

I've got your back.

[cameras clicking]

[woman] Happy birthday.

[William] Thank you.

[woman] Until now,
there's been an agreement

that the press won't intrude on
your private life.

Now you're 18 and of age,
are you worried that will change?

[William] I hope not.

[William speaking on TV indistinctly]

[Michael] Hello! Cup of tea?

[sighs deeply] Love one.

[liquid pouring]

[Carol exhales]

[William] ...press and the public,
which hasn't been easy.

But by giving this interview

and allowing people in here to film me now
before I go to university,

I hope I'll be given
the same kind of freedom there too.

- [man] Have you enjoyed your time at Eton?
- I have. Thank you.

- [man] What will you miss most?
- Me.

[light chuckling]

- [woman] Will you miss Harry?
- Of course.

He's my brother.

- [man] And now it's off to university.
- Hopefully, yes.

[woman] Made your choice? There have been
reports you're considering Edinburgh.

[William] I am.

That's assuming I pass my exams first.

He will. He's such a swot.

[light chuckling]

How do you think you might get along
with the other students?

Particularly those
who might be, uh, anti-monarchists.

- He'll have their heads cut off.
- [light chuckling]

[William] I just want to go
to university and have fun.

And girls?

How will you handle the attention?

[chuckles lightly]

[William] I'll have enough
to be getting on with

without worrying too much about girls.

[runner panting]

[soft instrumental music builds slowly]

[knocking at door]

From your father, the Prince of Wales.
To wish you good luck with your exams.

[clock ticking softly]

[scribbling]

[teacher] A-level geographers,
that is the end of your time.

Finish the sentence you're writing
and then pens down.

Please place your exam script
on the left-hand side of your desk

to be collected.

- [door closes]
- [light chattering]

[Charles] Now Granny's here.

[Philip] We can start.

Whatever they are,
just know we're already immensely proud.

What rot!

Only straight As will do.

Philip!

- Right.
- [Philip] Well, come on.

Well?

Is that a... good frown?

[Charles] Don't keep us in suspense.

C in biology.

- Oh, well...
- C in what?

Biology, Mummy.

- Oh.
- A in geography.

Oh, very good.

- Aren't you clever?
- [Queen Mother] A in what?

- Oh, someone tell her.
- Geography, Granny.

That must be
the only A ever in this family.

- And B in history of art.
- [Elizabeth] Bravo!

- B in what?
- Oh, somebody sh**t her.

- History of art.
- What?

- History of fart.
- [William chuckles]

- Well done, William. You're in.
- Yeah.

- Well done.
- [Harry] Well done. Here.

Since you'll be flying the nest soon.
And because accidents do happen.

- You'll all be thanking me later.
- Oh, what is it?

[chuckles softly]

Oh, for God's sake, Harry, don't let...

[Queen Mother] What are they? Sweeties?

- Condom.
- Putting them in your mouth is optional.

- I'll have that.
- [Harry] Just a bit of advice.

- What?
- Hmm? What?

[overlapping chatter]

[newsman] Prince William is due
to hold a press conference shortly.

We're expecting him to be announcing
his plans for university life after Eton.

Okay. Yeah.

If you have any issues...

Yeah, okay, good.

[cameras clicking]

Congratulations.
How's the proud father feeling today?

Oh, couldn't be happier.

[man] Have you decided
where you're going yet, William?

Well, um, I was lucky enough

to meet the conditions of my first choice.
So it's going to be St. Andrews.

[woman] Not Edinburgh?

[William] No. I considered it,

but St. Andrews is closer to Balmoral.

And the academic course there
sounds excellent.

Are you looking forward to Freshers' Week?

[light chuckling]

Uh, well, after thinking it all through,

and after a long discussion
with my father,

uh, we've decided
that I'm going to be taking a gap year.

It'll be character building.

And, of course, St. Andrews will still
be waiting for him when he gets home.

[man] Do you know
how you'll be spending it yet?

Well, there's a survival course
I want to go on in Belize,

then Chile
with the Raleigh International Expedition

where I'll be helping out at a school.

Then Botswana,

then Kenya, where I'll be
staying in a rhino sanctuary.

And then after that, St. Andrews.

[insects and animals vocalizing]

Yes, good boy.

[gentle instrumental music playing]

[all shouting excitedly]

No, no, no! No!

Yeah!

[gentle music continues]

[chuckling]

[cheers roaring]

[cheers swell to shouts]

Lovely to meet you. Thank you very much.

Lovely to meet you. Sorry about the noise.

Nice to meet you.

[girls screaming]

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

- Hello. Are you students?
- [music fades]

Right. I think it's time
for parents to disappear

and the wild parties to begin.

Not too much chance of wild parties
with him watching my every move.

Oh, I'm sure he can be persuaded
to look away sometimes.

I didn't say that.

[William chuckles]

Good luck.

[professor] A bit of housekeeping
before we begin.

You should all now be able
to access information

through the student web portal.

In this, your first semester,

we'll be covering medieval
and Renaissance art up to 1600.

If you need to share books
or other material,

we've provided a list
of all your fellow students' names

with email addresses
and telephone numbers.


based on a midterm visual analysis...

[William] Hi, lovely to meet you.

- Could you sign the picture?
- Yeah, of course.

Sorry, can you take that off? Thank you.

There you go.
Yeah, I do really need to get to...

Uh, thank you. Thank you.

There you go. Okay, lovely to meet you.

Have a nice day, okay? Okay.

[students clamoring]

[door shuts]

[takes a deep breath]

[professor] Any idea what this is?

The Ognissanti Madonna.

That's right. The Madonna Enthroned.

Which is considered by many

to be the first significant painting
of the Renaissance.

It encourages an emotional connection
with the viewer.

How do you think Giotto achieves this?

Is it by painting people
as quite lifelike and realistic?

[professor] Exactly.
Giotto was one of the first artists

to create three-dimensional figures
in Western European art.

Plan tonight?

- Pint, golf?
- Yeah.

- Ooh...
- Both at the same time.

- Go! Go, go.
- Wish me luck.

[William's friend] Absolutely.

- Very down for it.
- I would love...

Excuse me, Your Royal Highness...

- Oh, please don't call me that.
- Sorry.

Could you sign this, please?
It's for my grandma.

She's a huge fan of the royal family.

- Sure.
- Thank you.

Thanks.

At least you're a hit
with the grannies, Will.

Honestly, what I wouldn't give...

[girl chuckling]

I'm gonna literally get all my...

- [girl 1] Hey!
- [Kate] Oh, hi!

- These books on the list?
- I've got her phone number.

Already?

I salute you. Respect.

We're on the same course,
which means I automatically get it.

That's a bit lazy.

We've already crowned her
the fittest girl in Sallies.

Yeah, but not literally crowned,
of course.

- That's, you know, your thing.
- Ha-ha.

What's her name?

- Kate.
- Beautiful Kate.

- Puts the Kate in intoxic-Kate-ing.
- Oh, that was good.

Yeah. Yeah.

Mother runs some kind of party business
and used to be,

wait for it, an air hostess.

[whistles softly]

[Harry] So, how is university life?

- [William] Still getting used to it all.
- Do you know anyone there?

Fergus Boyd,
Oli Chadwyck-Healey, Charlie Nelson.

Anyone not from Eton?

- [William sighs]
- What about girls?

[chuckles] Well, obviously,
there are girls.

Any, you know,

woof?

- [chuckles] Are you for real?
- Are you for real, more like?

- You frigid weirdo.
- [William laughs]

University is just sex.

With books.

Get stuck in.

Sire some... illegitimate bastards
and alter the lines of succession.

[William laughs]

Or

swallow some hallucinogenic mushrooms
and have a fist fight with the local oiks.

Anything, just... promise me
you'll try not to be quite so...

- What?
- Uptight.

Repressed.

Responsible and boring. [chuckles]

If you want to be
treated like everyone else,

you've got to act like everyone else.

What are you so scared of?

Go mad.

[bell ringing over phone]

All right, I've gotta go, but...

speak to you later.

["Music Sounds Better With You"
by Stardust begins playing]

[music grows louder]
[laughter and chattering]

[indistinct conversation]

♪ Love might bring us back together ♪

♪ Ooh, baby ♪

♪ I feel right
The music sounds better with you ♪

♪ Love might bring us back together ♪

♪ I feel so good... ♪

Come on. Let's go.

[door opens]

[door shuts]

[seabirds calling]

- Was that a smile?
- What?

- Did she smile when she went past?
- Didn't see.

You're useless.
You're supposed to see everything.

I'm on the lookout
for assassins and kidnappers.

Maybe this is more important. Keep up.

- [indistinct chattering]
- [cameras clicking]

Jesus.

- William, is this your new girlfriend?
- Oh my God.

- On your way.
- Piss off. What's it to you, you pervert?

Come on. Come on!

- Is that your girlfriend?
- Come on, let's go!

[laughing]

sh*t!

- Take your menu. Thank you very much.
- Thank you.

[student] Come on!

[girl laughing]

Lola Airdale-Cavendish-Kincaid.

What?

From a family so posh
they had to name it thrice.

When it comes to bagging a prince,
only genuine blue bloods need apply.

[gentle instrumental music plays]

Hi. I've got an apple,
cheese and pickle sandwich, and a water.

- Uh, it's three pounds fifteen.
- Okay.

There you go.

- [register beeping]
- [William clears throat]

[music playing in earphones]

[inaudible conversation]

[chuckles softly]

[exhales]

[gentle instrumental music builds]

- Hey.
- Hi.

[panting]

[gentle music fades out]

[chuckles softly]

[keys clacking]

Sorry, could you help me
look for some books?

For an assignment?

Uh, yes. Uh, history of art.

Uh, we are looking at the...

[librarian] Reading list.

Oh, there.

[William clears throat]

[librarian] Right.

Essays in the Study of Sienese Painting.

On loan.

The Frescoes in Siena's Palazzo Pubblico.

Volume 1.

Nope.

Sienese Quattrocento Painting,
definitely not.

Sorry, all out of luck here.

Miss Middleton b*at you to it.

Thanks.

Psst.

So that's where all the material went.

- Hi.
- Hello.

Actually, I'm done with it now.

- Great.
- But I've promised it to someone else.

- I think she promised it to someone else.
- Yeah.

But you're welcome to the notes I made.
And the essay I've written if it'll help.

It's no masterpiece,
but I put the research in there.

Thanks, that...

- When you're done, text and let me know.
- Yeah.

Or cut a hole in your ceiling
and give it back.

I'm in the room directly above you.

Oh, so it's you
that's been keeping me up at night.

Oh, my roommate. If it's any consolation,
her noise keeps me up too.

[chuckles]

Yeah.

I only know it's you in the room below
because they came to sweep us for bugs.

I told them if I was out to get you,
I could have just done that in Chile.

On the gap year
Raleigh International Expedition.

- Did you do that too?
- I did, yeah.

We missed each other by a week.

Really? Um...

It was... [chuckles]

- [sighs] It was tough, wasn't it?
- It was, yeah.

Yeah, but hacking through rainforest...

- Yeah.
- [both chuckle softly]

Uh, how did you do?

All right, I think.
With my trusty machete.

[both chuckle]

Yeah.

I bet you excelled.

You seem like the type
who excels at everything.

There are people
with high expectations of me.

I don't want to let them down.

I'm sure I don't have to tell you
what that's like.

- Yeah.
- [girl] Hi.

Oh.

Hi. Hi.

Hi.

Sorry, Lola, Kate.

- Hi.
- Hi.

We were just discussing...

How Kate excels at everything she does.
I overheard.

Well, Lola is an exceptional person too.

In which area?
Apart from her hearing, that is.

[William] Oh, drama.
She's done a bit of acting.

You're speaking for me now?
"This is Lola, my ventriloquist puppet."

And what is
your area of exceptionalism, Kate?

We were just discussing an expedition
we both did in South America.

You're speaking for her now too?

[Kate] Which involved weeks
of long-distance hiking

and living off those ration packs.

Bathing in ice-cold buckets of water
each morning.

Bracing and outdoorsy.

Such fun.

I'm learning that about you.

We haven't been dating very long.

How much you like outdoorsy.

- Well, I do, actually.
- [Lola] Sneaky.

After telling me you were interested in
cinema and politics.

I, uh...

Don't outdoorsy, cinema,
and politics go together?

Only as oxymorons, yeah.

And you also like flirting
as soon as my back is turned.

- And hitting on other people.
- What?

We're on the same course.

- We were just talking about an essay.
- And how exceptional Kate is.

- Would you mind signing this?
- Yes, as it happens, I would.

We're talking.

Just go away.

- [Kate scoffs]
- Please.

Oh, okay.

Wow.

What?

- That was...
- Weirdly rage-aholic.

[Kate] They were only being friendly.

Interrupting someone when they're talking
is the opposite of friendly. It's rude.

- Okay. I really should go.
- Me too.

No, I don't think you understand.
I get that all the time.

You have no idea what it's like
to live with that day-in, day-out.

Don't we?

What, being ogled?

Looked at and judged constantly?

Try being a girl.

A fit girl.

[Lola] No, try being any girl.

Failing that, you could
at least try to be a human being,

while not reducing every woman
to whether she's fit.

[William] Oh f...

Can I just... [sighs]

- [muffled pop music playing]
- [muffled indistinct chattering]

[thumping overhead]

[professor] Today, we'll be moving on
to another topic. Patronage.

The system under which the arts flourished
in city states like Florence and Venice,

and the circumstances
under which the system came to exist.

To begin with, we'll discuss

some of the greatest patrons
in 15th century Florence.

Page two.

The Medici family,

who also ruled the city.

Now, one of the painters they employed...

- [William] I'm not coming.
- [Ollie] What do you mean?

I've been given a cottage at Balmoral.
Invited some friends.

Oh, some real friends.
What are we, chopped liver?

You can't not go. Raisin Weekend
is a first-year rite of passage.

- Everyone goes.
- Twenty-four hours of drinking.

The largest outdoor
shaving cream fight on the planet.

You've got your whole life
to slaughter animals or peasants.

- You know, whatever you do up there.
- [Ollie] With your real friends.

[Fergus] When you going to get another
opportunity to do something like this?

Is this about Lola?

No. God no, that's over.

Or Kate?

[Charlie] Ollie said you made an arse
of yourself with her in the library.

- Thanks.
- [Fergus] Been kicking yourself since.

Can we just change the subject, please?

[Fergus] Okay.

["Glory Box" by Portishead playing]

[Harry] Just check that's empty.

Willie, remember when Badger, like,
buzzed my hair and came straight for me?

He came straight for me.

- Thank you.
- Enjoy your day.

♪ I'm so tired of playing ♪

♪ Playing with this bow and arrow ♪

[shouting and laughter]

[g*nshots cracking off]

♪ For I've been a temptress too long ♪

[shouting excitedly]

♪ Just give me a reason to love you... ♪

Are you okay?

- What?
- Are you okay? Do you want some food?

- No. I'm not...
- It will help.

- I'm all right, I'm fine.
- Have some water.

I'm fine.

- I'm not thirsty. Why the fu...?
- [chuckling] Okay.

["Glory Box" fades out]

[phone line ringing]

How's it going?

[Ollie] I hate to say it, mate.
You are missing out.

Not least because with your back turned,
Kate is getting a lot of attention.

Well, that's helpful.

Thanks, mate.

You'll just have to woo her
when you get back.

But you better make it quick.
The boat is sailing, my friend.

Anyway, how's Balmoral?

It's... Uh, it's good. Um...

Yes, it's not bad. We went...
We went sh**ting earlier.

And, uh, now we're just
back in the cottage, and...

- Listen, I...
- [girl] Chad, come on!

I have to go.

I'll talk to you later, yeah? Bye.

[line disconnects]

[birds cawing]

[muffled music thumping]

[keys clattering]

[fluorescent lights buzzing]

[distant dogs barking]

[muffled indistinct chatter]

It's been a long slog

for the celebrity inmates
of the Big Brother house this week.

And tonight, we've finally found
our winner, making Jack Dee

officially the most popular celebrity
in all of the land.

[jingling, chiming]

[billiard balls clacking]

[jingling, chiming]

- Will! Will! Save us!
- Will! Help me out!

Wales, help me out.

- [laughter]
- [billiard balls clacking]

- [chiming, jingling]
- [coins dropping]

[tense music building]

Hi.

No.

[Rupert] Did you?

Sorry, Kate?

- From the drinking?
- Kate. Uh, have you got a second?

Excuse me. Um...

I... I just wanted to apologize

for, um, how I was.

In the library?

It was an awkward situation.

Even more awkward than this.

Sorry. Sorry, uh...

- Rupert, William.
- Hi. Finchie.

Hi. Um...

Yeah, I was out of my depth.
And I behaved like a real idiot.

Thanks.

- And I hope you patch things up with Lola.
- God no.

That was dead
the minute she found out I was outdoorsy.

- Yeah.
- [chuckles] Yeah.

Yeah.

Shall we?

Yeah, anyway, I'll, um...
I'll see you in lectures, I guess.

Uh, nice to meet you.

Yeah, you too.

[William] Bye.

♪ O little town of Bethlehem... ♪

So tell us all about university. Mm?

Lots of lovely parties?

[William chuckles] Uh...

A few parties.
But, um, nothing especially exciting.

You must have made new friends?

A couple.

But, um, St. Andrews can feel
quite small and... remote.

And the course.

I used to enjoy history of art at school.
But now I struggle to see the point in it.

- Oh, that's sad.
- [chuckles] Yeah.

The girl he likes
has found herself a real man.

I think that's why
he's feeling sorry for himself.

- Oh...
- Oh, what a shame.

- Thank you.
- Poor William, darling...

[Philip] Really!

You'll stick it out.
You're not actually thinking of leaving?

Maybe changing subjects would help.

[Anne] What was your other
favorite subject at school?

[Harry] Geography.

Well, then, what better
when you're feeling a little lost?

- [Philip] Yes.
- [Charles] It is all orienteering.

[Queen Mother] The important thing
is these chocolates.

[footsteps approaching]

Knock, knock.

Granny.

- Oh God, sorry about the mess.
- I came to see if you were all right.

University hasn't been easy,
by the sounds of it.

No. [chuckles lightly]

If what Harry said is true,

and your dissatisfaction
has more to do with

affairs of the heart...

Well, what else would one call it?

Um...

- Dating.
- Oh, yes.

I don't know that word
because we didn't do that.

We met someone,
then married them and got on with it.

There's certainly no danger of marriage
in this case.

There's no danger of dating either.
I've made a mess of it.

And you don't want to hear
anything about other fish in the sea?

Or encouragement to make another go of it?

Well, if I did that, it would be
another word you don't know.

Stalking.

- Actually, I do know that word.
- Oh.

[both chuckle softly]

Don't lose faith.

I'm a firm believer

that what is meant for you
won't pass you by.

He makes sure of that.

[sighs softly]

- Oh...
- [both chuckling]

- Are you all right?
- [Kate chuckles]

- You okay?
- [Rupert] Yeah, looking forward to it.

- [laughing]
- Hello!

- Hello, sweetheart!
- Hi, Dad, how are you?

- Lovely to see you. Come on in.
- Good to see you. Hey, James.

- Rupert.
- Rupert, very nice to meet you. Come in.

- Hey, man. Rupert. Nice to meet you.
- I'm good.

- Hello, darling.
- Hi. Rupert. Nice to meet you.

- Merry Christmas.
- Happy Christmas, darling.

Mum, Dad, this is Rupert.

- Rupert. Nice to meet you.
- Rupert.

[laughter]

Covered in slime and God knows what,

and about a pint and a half
of rancid river water in my stomach.

God. Still got man of the match
though, right?

[laughter]

[Michael] I mean, is there a name
for a hat trick of own goals?

- I don't know.
- [girl] Idiocy?

[Michael] Thank you. Thank you.

- James is gonna be our little star.
- [Rupert] I can tell.

- [Michael] He had a very good season.
- [Rupert] Really?

[Michael] Yeah, he got four wickets.
Four for 20.

- [piano playing]
- [Margaret] ♪ It's the time of year ♪

♪ When the world falls in love ♪

♪ Every song you hear ♪

♪ Seems to say ♪

♪ Merry Christmas... ♪

- [girl] Come on!
- [Philip] What's that you're playing?

You've just walked in
on a very competitive game of Jenga.

[Margaret continues singing]

- I'm gonna go and grab a cigarette.
- I'll come and join you in a second.

Harry? Where are you going?

- Uh, I'm just going outside.
- No, look, stay here.

[Harry] What's the problem?

[Charles] I want you
to stay with the family.

[Harry] What's the problem?

I'm your father, so don't argue.

Sure you are. When it suits you.

- Harry.
- [Margaret] ♪ Merry Christmas ♪

♪ May all your dreams come true... ♪

[indistinct chattering]

- Your whole family is so sweet.
- You had a good evening?

[Rupert] Yeah, so much fun.

[Kate] My dad loves the cricket talk.

Bye.

He seems nice.

[Christmas song playing faintly]

You think so?

Very.

What's not to like?

He's polite. And handsome.

Is it serious?

Why does everyone keep asking me that?

Catherine?

Is it serious?

[Kate] Quite.

If that's okay with you.

Course. [chuckles softly]

Why wouldn't it be?

'Cause you've always had your sights
on someone else for me.

Come on.

You've always loved the idea
of me and William together.

I was all set
to go to Edinburgh University

straight after school with all my friends.

Then you suggested
I change it to St. Andrews

after a gap year.

With none of my friends.

- That was no coincidence.
- Yes, it was.

Was it a coincidence you encouraged me
to sign up to the art course in Florence

where William was expected to go?

And then to the expedition
in Chile as well. Where he went.

I thought you'd thank me.

You said you liked him.

Yes, well, then I grew up.

Once you had the idea fixed in your head,
you never stopped.

Yes, but not for any sinister reason.

- Really?
- Do you know what I think?

I think you're special.

I also happen to think
that poor boy needs a nice, normal girl.

You don't know him.

Well, I mean, what if William
isn't right for me?

What about what I want?

If what you really want is Finchie,
then that's fine.

I just don't want you to be seeing Finchie
'cause you're making a point to me.

Come on.

Especially since
I've heard on the grapevine that

William is miserable.

And wants to leave university.

[soft choral music playing faintly]

All right?

[Harry] Hello.

[can opens]

[Harry] Thanks.

- [Harry exhales]
- [can opens]

You're not really gonna do it.

[William] What?

Leave uni.

Haven't decided.

Stop muscling in on my territory.

I know my job, to be the f*ck-up
in this family. Don't you start too.

Go back to St. Andrews.

If not for your sake,
then for mine. I need a...

purpose in life.

Screw up and make you look

good.

[laughs]

[Harry chuckles]

What's going on with you and Pa?

He found out about the weed, didn't he?

Went ballistic.
Said I could have got myself expelled.

Now he wants me
to go to a treatment center

to spend the day with some addicts.

[William] What?

"Bit of an overreaction," I said.

"Remorse and responsibility," he said.

Thanks. [scoffs]

'Cause it'll be in all the papers.

And make me look like a lost cause. Again.

People will say,
"Poor boy, ever since his mother d*ed..."

But I guess
it's all working out perfectly.

'Cause there's no need
for a number two in this family.

Except as entertainment.

I can't be normal or a success, can I?
And eclipse you in any way.

That would make a mockery
of the whole show.

So it's Willy Gold Star,
Harry Black Sheep.

Willy Saint, Harry Sinner.

Willy Solid, Harry Lost.

[somber music plays]

A f*cking treatment center.

[both chuckle]

Can you imagine
how people would freak out if

you were the one
who was going to a treatment center?

It would be like
the temple was falling down.

With me, it's just what people want.

f*cking up.

"Ah, that's Harry Wales' job."

[footsteps departing]

[water running]

[spits]

[water stops]

[tapping keys]

[phone chiming]

[somber music fades out]

["Music Sounds Better With You"
by Stardust playing]

[music fades out]