01x10 - Ty's Tail Tale

[bunniefuu]

- Morning.
Just came to get some milk.

- Oh, we don't have any.

- But you're a dairy farmer.

You need to have milk.

- Can't get milk without cows.

- Where are all the cows?

- Oh, asskill borrowed them.
Said you'd be fine with it.

- I'm not.
- Well, then let's go to w*r!

- That seems drastic.

Plus, you know,
we'd definitely lose.

- Well, that's what you said
when he borrowed all our goats!

- Still true today.

- Oh, hey, neighbor!
How's life?

- Milkless.

- Funny, we used to have
that problem.

- Did you really need
to borrow all our cows?

Could we get maybe
a couple back?

- I would, but
we're grilling steaks tonight.

- Steaks?
Like cow steaks?

- Well, we can't eat goats.

Again.

While I'm here, we should
also take these chickens.

- Oh, come on.
- I only need them for...

Ever.
- What are we supposed to eat?

- Try people.
We used to eat it all the time

Before we got so good
at farming.

- Taking all our livestock
isn't farming.

- All I know is
we're good at it.

[chickens clucking]
- why didn't you stop him?

- He's just so big.

[mysterious upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Whoo!

- Good morning, family.

- If you're looking for milk,

It's being eaten by selectively
progressive cannibals.

- No need.
I drink pegasus milk.

- Where'd did you get that?

- From its udder.

How amazing is the udder?

Multiple boobs
shaped like wieners.

Genius.

- Hold up. Does our family
have a pegasus somewhere?

- Your mother and her husband
have a pegasus somewhere.

And it will remain that way.

- Good call, my goddess.

What's cracking
in current events?

Written language
continues to be delayed,

If that's what
this drawing means.

Ah, my father d*ed.

Oh, no! Sandals cost 20 olives
a pair now!

I myself never wear the things,
but if inflation gets invented,

It could lead
to inventing recession.

- Excuse me?
Your father d*ed?

We have a grandfather?

Did you ever plan
on telling us that?

- No. And now you don't have
one, so problem solved.

This sandal news though,
it's got me feeling feelings.

- Can we get back
to the pegasus?

- No.

- Is my grandfather
going to have a funeral?

- In the sense that his death
will be celebrated,

Yes, probably by thousands.

He was what monsters call
"a monster's schmuck."

- I want to at least
see him buried.

- Have a blast.
He lived that way, persia-ish.

- I want to see the pegasus.

- No.

- Dad, I mean, I think
the two of us should go.

Was grandpa really so bad?

- He was fine.

And I say that not
because it's true

But because judging others
was his gimmick.

And I am the opposite of him,
and therefore, mm, the coolest.

- I agree.
Tyrannis, don't be a nag.

- Very well.

I'll just be
a third generation of sons

To quietly resent their father.

Or will I be the fourth?

I don't suppose refusing
to attend a father's funeral

Is something your father
would have done.

- You majestically crafty
son of a bitch.

Game on.

Get ready to attend

The living crap out of
a dead control freak's burial

With his
impressively ambivalent son.

Deliria, be a dear and milk
you-know-what while I'm gone.

- Of course.

- Pegasus!
- Totally.

She's going to
milk the pegasus.

[tyrannis struggling]

- Could I interest you
in a saddle?

- You're lucky
to be riding me at all.

- Phrase that differently
in public.

Both:
Pegasus! Pegasus! Pegasus!

- You will never be near it.

Both: [whining] why?

- Because then you'll want
to ride it, which you can't.

- Why?

- The actual answer to that

Is incredibly long
and complicated.

If you seek out this beast,
you will regret it.

Promise you will not do it.

Both: We promise.

- How long before we do it?

- That felt long enough.

- Is this where you grew up?

Does this mean I'm persian?

Is that a race?

Do--do I have a race?

- Why do humans want
to have races?

- I don't know.

Seems cool, adds some flavor.
Is that bad?

- I can't imagine it
ever going wrong.

[crowd cheering]
well, there he is.

And he's technically
being buried. Happy?

- Everyone else certainly is.

Would you like
to stand by the body,

Maybe pay your disrespects?

- No. If those people really
understood the old bastard,

They'd realize taking a dump
on him is his final revenge.

When you hate a hater,
you spread their hate.

Now, here's how
you really defeat my dad.

Check this out.

Ah, dead dad.
No big whoop.

- That makes me proud
of you, dad.

See what's happening?
We're bonding.

We understand each other
better now.

Hey, disappointing dads club.

- That's not really
the sort of thing

That makes me want
to high five.

- Fair enough.

- Shlub!
- Belinda.

This is belinda,
my father's witch.

- You got fatter.

- Well, you're as ugly as ever.

- Is that any way
to speak to an ex-lover?

- Really, dad?

- What?
She's a witch ten!

And witch sex is the best sex.

I think being evil
makes them work harder...

- La-la-la-la-la!
- If that makes sense.

- Look, if you're not
going to listen--

- Thank you.
- What do you want, belinda?

- Well, you know how
I was responsible

For all your father's cursing.

- There's a taste
of the old man for you.

He outsourced curses.

- Now that he's gone,

I'm offering to remove them
at a discount.

I bet you've got a few.

- I'm sure I've got dozens,
but no, thank you.

- You're going to just accept
your father's curses?

- The point of cursing
is to assert power.

If I acknowledge his power,
he wins, son.

- Oh, are you his son?
I wonder if--

Oh, yeah,
looks like I cursed you

When you were still
in your mother's womb.

Isn't that adorable?

- I'm cursed?
With what?

- I don't keep records, kid.
No written language yet.

- Ah, I was just
not reading about that.

- Kindly remove my curse,
madam.

- Keep it, son.

Don't give him
the satisfaction.

- Dad, hear me on this.

Your need to not let your
father control and define you

Is controlling
and defining you.

- Ouch.
Sick burn, as the humans say.

You do you.

- Tell you what.
I'll do this one on the house

In return for when your dad
did me on the house.

Both: If chimneys could talk.

- Can you also remove this
conversation from my memory?

[ethereal shimmering sound]
- there you go.

You're curse-free.
- That's it?

I expected a bit more,
you know,

Light and magic,
a little showmanship.

- You want a show,
hire a clown.

- Have we had enough fun,
or would you like

To spoon the dead body
of your favorite new relative?

- Nah, we can go.

The nerve of the guy
that cursed your unborn child.

He never even met me.

- And yet, now,
you know him better than most.

[soft dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- Whoa!
- It's an actual pegasus.

- Does it look kind of sad?

- Of course it does.
It's chained to a wall.

This is awful.
- Poor peggy. Are you sad?

Look,
mom said we can't ride it,

But she didn't say
we can't free it.

- That's clever, but I don't
think it gets us out of dying.

- Whatever. I'm doing it.
I'll take the heat.

[grunts] that's better.
- And?

- Now that we're in trouble
anyway...

- May as well ride it.
- Makes perfect sense.

[both screaming in delight]

[wondrous upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[vases shattering]

♪ ♪

Ooh!
[grunts and laughs]

- Hey!

- My turn.

Whoa!
Ow!

Gah!

- Let's do another lap
around the city.

- Okay.
[grunting]

Uh, peggy,
requesting a turn back here.

[grunts]
it's not responding.

Come on, pegasus!
Take us down!

We freed you.
Be cool, bro.

- Okay, you flying donkey.

You land right now or
I'm going to get real stabby.

- Yeah, great idea.

Let's k*ll the thing we're
soaring through the sky on.

- I'm not hearing
your pitches.

Whoa!

Are unicorns baby pegasuses?
[insect-like chittering]

Both: Ow.

- Are unicorn horns stingers?

Oof!
- Ow!

I can't move.

Convince them to put
their necks up to my mouth.

- Hey!
- Whoa!

[unicorns whinnying]
[insect-like chittering]

[ominous music]

[pegasus neighs]

[skittering hoofbeats]

♪ ♪

[squishing]
[pegasus neighs]

♪ ♪

- No, no, no!

[person screaming]
no! No!

[person screaming]

- Remember when mom told us

The reason not to ride
the pegasus was complicated?

- I know. I'm really
kicking myself right now.

[upbeat music]

- What a day.

Will we ever know
what that curse was?

Maybe it was wiener size!

Specifically the curse
of it being so massive.

Yeah, I can tell I'm back
to whatever the average is.

- Good save.

And hey,
I appreciate you making me go.

You may be stubborn and needy,
but you're nothing like him.

- Thanks, dad.
I'd rather be like you.

Mostly, minus maybe
the explicit verbal sojourns.

- Right, I'm off to bed
with your mother

And a servant or two.

- Blocking it out.

♪ ♪

[griffin crowing]

[bigger griffon shrieks]

- Tyrannis, have you seen
either of your siblings?

You know who I mean.

The big, dumb one
and the goo gremlin?

Oh, gross.

Probably dreaming about
civic responsibility.

- Oh, why does my ass
feel weird?

- It would seem that

You've pooed a tail.
[tyrannis screams]

[tyrannis screams]
- what's happening?

Oh, yes.
Look at this handsome devil.

- I thought I was uncursed.
How is this an uncurse?

- Well, a standard hex
to put on an unborn child

Would be deformity.

- And having no tail

Would fit your father's
definition of hideous.

You're lucky you woke up
with a full-sized brain.

- You're telling me
this is my natural body?

I'm not human?

- Personally, I consider
humanity a construct.

All humans are descended
from gods and monsters.

But by strict definitions,
I guess he's right.

What is he now, darling?
Scorpitaur?

- Humonstro?

- Stingagon.

- Stop figuring out
what I am in front of me.

I'm the king of a human city.
This will cost me my job.

My subjects need to trust
that I'm one of them.

I'm a freak!

No offense.
- None taken.

To me, you now look
less like a freak.

And to be clear,
I loved you then and now.

- Agreed.
The tail hardly compromises.

Not nearly as much
as the spindly arms,

The turnip-y nose--

- Thank you, support system.

Please find that witch
and get me re-cursed.

In the meantime,
I have to hide this.

Mother, may I ask to borrow
a dress without you mocking me?

- Of course!

Just don't stretch out
the neck hole

With that melon of a head
of yours.

[unicorns chomping]

- The toxin is wearing off.

I might be regaining
limited movement.

What about you?

- Due to the size differential,

I'll need a week
to shake my head no.

- I'll see what I can do
on my own.

[stupendous grunts]

[unicorn neighs]
ha!

- That's limited movement?

- I know.

It's a good thing these guys
aren't trained.

[hoofbeats thundering]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- Hello!
Normal king coming through.

Oh, hey, did you ever
get those cows back?

- I did not.

- Tyrannis, hey!

You never told me
when you turned us into farmers

That animals
need so much grass!

And land!

Can we borrow some?

- You're borrowing land now?

How is that different
from invading?

- Nobody gets hurt.

- See, but right there,
when you say stuff like that,

It feels like a veiled thr*at.

- Honestly, we're just
a simple, backward people.

I don't know how
to veil a thr*at.

Can we have more chickens?

- I'm sorry, but
I'm going to have to say no.

- Or you could say, "please
stop k*lling me, king asskill.

It hurts so bad."

- There--there's
no need for v*olence.

- I didn't think so.
But now...

What the--what was that?

- It's nothing.
- It's gonna be!

[groaning]
ooh! Ah!

I can't feel my arm.
- I didn't mean it.

- You're not a man.
You're a--

- Oh, no.
I'm not a monster.

I--I mean, maybe I am,
but I don't want to be.

- Right.
Message received, friend.

- No, no, no,
that's not a veiled thr*at.

- We don't know what those are.

Let's go find
some wild chickens,

Since we'd hate
to be uncivilized.

[asskill sobs]

- Bad. Ass.

- I know it is.
And I apologized.

- No, I mean,
you are a badass.

- I am?

I am.

- You need to get out of here!

- There's a huge swarm of
man-eating unicorns on its way!

- Oh, yeah, the old "there's
a swarm of unicorns coming."

Nice try.

- Why would that be a thing?

- Well, who knows?

Maybe we all evacuate town
and you take our stuff.

- What does your town have?

- Nothing you can take!

The thing that makes this town
special is its defiant spirit.

We don't listen to strangers!

- That's not
a real sympathetic trait.

- Ya hear that, everybody?

We're a group of
unsympathetic townspeople!

[laughs sarcastically]
so what?

- Okay, bye.

[hoofbeats thundering]

- Any other issues
before we move on?

Yes, steve?

- I feel like my proposal
wasn't taken very seriously.

[crowd grumbling]
- we took a vote, steve.

Nobody wants steve day
to be a thing.

- I do.
- Nobody else.

- Because they aren't steve,

Why should their votes
even count?

- Oh, that's not a bad point.
- Yes, it is.

That's not how democracy works.

- How do we even know
democracy is working?

- Yeah, these meetings
seem pretty chaotic.

- Yeah, all we do
is shout stuff out and argue.

[all murmuring in agreement]
- yeah, that's true.

[all gasp]

- I say we keep
giving democracy a chance.

But hey, I'm just one vote.

How about you?

You like democracy?

- Yes.
- Yes, what?

- Yes, your majesty.

- How about you, steve?

Let's make steve's vote
worth a thousand votes.

Steve, you want
to try a dictatorship?

- Steve peed in his toga
and left.

- A thousand votes
for democracy then.

All opposed?

I hereby declare you all
empowered and excused.

[ominous music]
so why are you still here?

- Learning to use that thing,
I see.

- I'd be better at it
if I'd grown up with one.

But someone disappointed
their own father enough

To get me cursed.

- Ironic too,

Since he would have loved
your new leadership style.

- Oh, am I letting down
the letdown?

You going to do something
about it?

- We are not fighting
because I am not like him.

Neither are you.

You're sweet and weak
and ticklish.

You like that?
Hoo-hoo!

[both laughing]

- Okay, okay.
Okay, stop.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, dad.

I lost control. You're right.
I'll--I'll be careful.

- That's all I ask,
you silly, ticklish,

Cute, little--ooh, hoo, yeah.

- [giggling]
seriously, seriously.

Stop, stop.

[dramatic musical flourish]

- I've got even better advice.

- Ah!
- Stop taking advice.

- Why am I imagining
you talking?

- 'cause you need
to listen to yourself.

We both know
I'm more than just a tail.

I'm the key to the lock on
a world that should be yours.

♪ you can be
a legendary king ♪

♪ all it takes is
just one sting ♪

♪ take out cities one by one ♪

♪ k*lling jerks
is proper fun ♪

♪ you could be
the baddest king around ♪

♪ bigger palaces ♪

♪ golden chalices ♪

♪ sip the finest
of red wines ♪

♪ bed the filthiest
concubines ♪

♪ you can be
the man superior ♪

♪ with your pointy,
new posterior ♪

♪ conquer cities,
pillage tribes ♪

♪ people dig
those big tail vibes ♪

- Hey, you're not hearing that
thing singing to you, right?

- What? No.
Random.

- Good. Well,
be on the lookout for that.

It's never a good sign.

- ♪ okay, it's true,
I'd like some respect ♪

- ♪ eye contact's
the least I expect ♪

- ♪ or servants
who won't spit in my glass! ♪

- ♪ maybe it's time
to use my brand-new ass ♪

- This time,
I'm quite sure I heard singing.

- Because you're
an insane person.

This family needs boundaries.

- Killasses has agreed
to return your cows.

- [whistles]
that's incredible!

Thank you so much.
You're a great king.

- And you're an okay farmer.

But since
I'm taking all the risks,

Maybe you could do more for me.

- Hmm.
Like what?

- A bucket of fresh milk
delivered to the palace daily.

- That's more than I can spare.

But I'll give you as much

As, uh--
- buddy, buddy.

- Please, don't use that.

- Don't be scared.

It only gets twitchy
when I haven't had enough milk.

I don't know why you're upset.
This is a huge bargain.

Your life isn't even
worth a lot.

- If I give you all my milk,
I'll die.

- I think that may be
the complete opposite

Of what's going to k*ll you.

I can prove it!

- Tyrannis, if you're just
going to become my father,

Then I may as well
stop trying not to become him.

And then maybe,
I will be a better father

By doing
what he would never do,

Which is change,
even if it means becoming him.

- I haven't the slightest idea
what you're saying.

- [grunts]
I'm saying I'm done talking.

- About time.

Feels right, doesn't it?

Any father weaker than a son
doesn't deserve one.

- You sound like my father.
- You sound like his son.

- I'm supposed to.
- Good.

- You gotta help us!

- The unicorns are coming
to k*ll us all!

- Hmm, that sounds like
a you problem.

Immortal being in the house.

- We messed up.
We should have listened to you.

- Well,
that is always the lesson.

- If pegasuses
are so dangerous,

Why didn't you just tell us
that in the first place?

- I told you
it was complicated.

Now you started
a new pegasi life cycle--

[thudding and grunting]

- Take that.
[both grunting]

- What the hell is that about?
- I don't know.

- I have a great idea.
Guys! Guys!

You stop fighting each other

And start
fighting the unicorn swarm.

- That's the dumbest thing
I've ever heard.

- We're fighting each other.

Why would fighting unicorns
make us like each other again?

And more importantly,
why are there unicorns coming?

Did you free that damn pegasus?

- Yes, father.
Give in to your anger.

Father them.

Father your children
with your rage!

- I'll do nothing of the sort!

[dramatic music]

- Okay,
so I guess I'm out of ideas.

- Mom, what should we do?

- Whatever I tell you to.

Now, I believe
the natural enemy

Of the unicorn is the cobra,

So I just need
to summon a bunch of those

And the problem
should solve itself.

[all screaming]

Right.

It looks like they both hate
people more than each other.

Should have seen that coming.
[cobras hissing]

- Your father was right.

If I want people to listen
to me, they need to be afraid.

- People were afraid of him,
but they also hated him.

- My people hate me!

- And you still try
and make their lives better.

- Because I was a sucker.

Not anymore.
Now I have this!

- [grunts] is that the best
you've got, bitch?

- Should we be helping?
This was all our fault.

- At this point,
we'd just get in the way.

- Yes, you had no tail
because of a curse,

But that does not make the
man you became less natural.

My father's hatred
drove me away.

[grunts]

It made me different.

That's why I met your mother.

And it's why
I raised you differently.

[pegasus snorts]
- [grunts]

Ow!

Oh, you want to fight dirty?
Good.

[grunts]

[pegasus neighs]

- And it's why you're the way
you were without a tail,

A good man, a kind man,
a man that makes me proud.

- You really feel that way?
- I do.

- I wish you'd told me sooner.

- [chomping]
- you're a horrible father!

- That's more like it.

- I do hope you two have
learned some kind of lesson.

- Uh, that you shouldn't
lock up a dangerous monster

Just because you like its milk?

- That you don't
ride your father's pegasus.

- How much better
could pegasus milk taste?

It can't possibly
be worth all this.

- Take a pull.

- Oh, that's special.

- I want to try.
[grunting]

- Kids, take your greedy mouths
off my pegasus!

- What happened to tyrannis?

- Removed a curse,
grew a tail, turned evil.

- Oh, man.
Now my butt seems so boring.

- Now I've got to take him
to see a witch

And get the curse put back.

- How is belinda?

- Somehow even more disgusting
than I remember.

- You're going to sleep
with her, aren't you?

- For my son,
I'll do whatever it takes.

[soft dramatic music]

- Oh, where am I?

- The witch's house.

You'll be happy to hear
she's agreed to re-curse you.

- That's great.

I wasn't ready
for that kind of power.

And I really didn't
want to have to

Cut a tail hole
in all my togas.

- Unfortunately, witches
don't do anything for free.

- Not every father would
have sex with a witch

To help their son,
so thank you.

I love you, dad.
- I love you too.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
duty calls.

[chuckles]

[belinda giggling]

Ooh, yes, please! Oh!

[both giggling]

- I really appreciate
you returning our livestock.

Well, what's left of it,
anyway.

- Turns out farming isn't
as easy as you made it look.

This is kind of on you.

- If you're giving up
on farming,

What are you going to eat?

- We're going back
to cannibalism.

It's the most efficient system.

People get old or sick,
we recycle them. Into meals.

- That sounds
surprisingly sustainable.

Good to have everything
back to normal.

[tyrannis groans]
- next time you grow a tail,

Hopefully
you'll use it responsibly.

- I guess I did deserve...
Something.

Though this probably
could have been handled

With a sincere apology.

- Feel free
to stop by killasses

If you want to borrow a couple
of un-smashed testicles...

Neighbor.

- [groans]

[coughs]

[hooves clopping]
[flies buzzing]

[cows mooing]

- Did you get any of that?

- Bento.
[all cheering]