05x20 - Bad Dog

[bunniefuu]

[chuckling]

[bluesy rock music]

♪ ♪

- We'll be right back with more of the life cycle

of the dung beetle, right after this.

- [chuckles]

Dung. - Yeah. [chuckles]

Dung!

- It's cold in here.

- Hey, Butt-Head, that dog just talked.

- He did not.

Dumbass.

- Won't you please take me into you nice,

warm home. - See? His lips aren't moving.

- Um, oh, yeah.

- He's, like, communicating telepathetically.

- Oh, yeah.

- Every year, we k*ll thousands of dogs

like the one you see here

just because they weren't adopted in time.

We don't like to do it, but we have to.

It's the law. - Whoa. [chuckles]

- Adopt a dog now before it's too late.

- Hey, Beavis, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

- Yeah. [chuckles]

Those dung beetles are pretty cool.

[both chuckle]

- Dumbass.

[Moist's "Push" playing]

[chuckles] He's thinking.

[both chuckling] - Yeah.

Oh, I see.

It's like, you tap yourself

on the side of the head to think.

I see. I haven't tried that.

[both chuckling]

- ♪ A little bit more than I ever wanted ♪

♪ A little bit more than you could ever say ♪

- This guy pronounces words weird.

- Yeah, really.

[imitating] ♪ A little bit more ♪

♪ Than you could ever say ♪

[both chuckling]

♪ Fade away, fade away ♪

What kind of an accent is that?

- Uhh, I think that's the way they talk

in, like, Wussylvania.

[both chuckling] - Oh, yeah.

And I was, like, thinking he was from California.

[both chuckling]

- ♪ And drive me through ♪

♪ Ohh ♪

- What's that dude's problem?

- Uh, it's like, he's a little too into the music.

- Yeah, really. It's kind of embarrassing.

- Yeah. The other dudes in the band

are probably, like, going,

"Uh, God, I wish he wouldn't do that.

- Oh, yeah, yeah. [both chuckling]

- Whoa, what's he doing? - Yeah, yeah.

- He's like, "Come on, come on, open it up.

"Come on, give me my damn candy bar back.

"I wasn't done yet. I was saving that

"for after the video.

Spit it out!"

- That was stupid, Beavis.

- Oh. I thought it was kinda funny.

[both chuckling]

You know, like--you know-- - Beavis,

stop trying to be funny. - Oh, yeah, yeah.

[both chuckling]

- ♪ Lock it down and drive me through ♪

♪ Ohh ♪

- Our dog's gonna be cool. [chuckles]

We'll have to, like, teach him to do cool tricks and stuff.

- Yeah. [chuckles] Sit, boy.

Sit. Sit!

Sit or I'll kick your ass!

[both chuckling] Yeah.

- That's not a cool trick.

A cool trick is, like, to teach him

to, like, bite stuff.

- Yeah, yeah. Bite, bite, bite!

Bite everything. Yeah.

- We're gonna teach him to, like,

bite stuff that sucks. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[both chuckling]

- This is gonna be cool.

- Hi, can I help you?

- Uh, we'd like to see the big dogs, please.

- Yeah, the ones that bite. [chuckles] Yeah.

- Right back there.

[dogs barking] [both chuckling]

- Wuss, wuss.

Shih Tzu, wuss. - Shih Tzu. [chuckles]

- Whoa! [chuckles]

Uhh, come here, doggy.

[growling]

Uhh, Beavis, the test.

- Shih Tzu. - Come here, dumb ass.

- Oh, yeah.

[growling] - Don't worry, dude. [chuckles]

[sniffs, whines]

- Ah! Dog germs!

- Uhh, that answer was incorrect.

The penalty is death.

[chuckles]

Wuss, wuss, wuss.

[barks] Whoa!

Beavis, the test. Hurry up.

[crunching] - [screams] Oww!

Ah, he bit me! - [chuckles]

- Ahh, he bit me, damn it!

- We have a winner. [chuckles]

- Ow!

- Uh, come on, uh... - Ow. Ow.

Cut it out! - Uhh, Spot.

- Ow. - Whoa, there, boys.

Where do you think you're going with that pup?

- No, cut it out! - Uhh, we, like,

adopted him. - Ow! Yeah, he's--

Ow! He's ours. [shirt ripping]

- Yeah, it ain't that simple, boys.

- Cut it out! - Now,

have either of you two boys

ever taken care of a dog before?

[both chuckling] [dog barks]

- Yeah.

Cut it out! Down!

[barks] Get away! Ah!

- Well, that ain't important.

You look like responsible boys.

Now, you do know what a dog like this eats, don't you?

- Uhh, garbage?

- Ow! Ow! Cut it out!

Get down. Down!

- Well, dog food, actually.

Dry is best. - No! No!

- I'll give you boys some coupons before you leave.

- Ow! Ow! - Okay, now,

if your dog goes to the bathroom in the house,

what do you do? - Rub his nose in it. Yeah.

- Uhh, I'd kick his ass.

- Yeah, rub his nose in it, then kick his ass.

Yeah. Ow!

[thud] [dog whines]

- No. You can't never hit your dog,

no matter what he does. [clanging]

[barking] - If he takes a dump

in my house, I'm gonna kick his ass.

- No. Oh, my nads! Ah, ow! No!

- Okay, now here's a pamphlet on that.

[barking] - Now, if we can just

get that $ adoption fee--

Um-- [barking]

- [chuckling] [urine splashing]

- I tell you what, boys, I think

we'll just waive that fee.

Could you please get that dog out of here?

- Okay. [both chuckling]

Sit down.

[crunching] Ow! No!

Cut it out! Ahh!

[Grim Reaper's "Rock You to Hell" playing]

- [laughs] - Ha ha ha ha.

[both chuckling] - Yeah.

- Ha ha ha ha.

- ♪ What's wrong ♪ - Ah!

Oh, no. Is this Grim Reaper?

Oh, God! No, damn it.

[both chuckling]

- Uhh! - Ahh!

[both laugh] What was that?

Was that a bulldog?

- I think it was a Shih Tzu.

[both chuckling] - Yeah.

Shih Tzu!

Shih Tzu. - You know, maybe if they

put more suck bands in prison, like...

- Ahh! [both chuckling]

- People would, like, you know,

try to stay out of prison.

- Maybe it would have, um, a positive,

um, effect on some generations of the youth.

- Beavis, quit trying to sound smart.

- Oh, yeah. Um-- Actually, um,

I think they should all just get the chair.

- Yeah.

- Including Grim Reaper.

[both chuckling]

- He's got a fat, little face.

- Yeah. He's got, like,

that really bloated face look like you get

when you eat too many of those urinal mints.

- Uhh, what are you talking about, Beavis?

- You know, those little round things

in the urinals, you know, that they put there,

you know, so you can, you know, like,

freshen up after you take a leak.

- Beavis, you're not supposed to eat those.

- Oh. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I knew that.

Yeah, I was just kidding. [chuckles]

- Dumbass.

[both chuckling]

[Nitzer Ebb's "Fun To Be Had" playing]

[chuckling] Hi, I'm your tour guide.

Welcome to the Wuss Gardens.

[both chuckling] - Yeah.

It was here that George Washington

first chopped off his wiener, and then he lied.

Yeah. [both chuckling]

- ♪ Like a chain, an anchor ♪

- [imitating] Like an anka.

- Yeah. Like an anka.

- An anka. [both chuckling]

- Yeah. It's pronounced anchor.

Anchor. Can you say that?

Err! Err! Dumbass!

Anchor.

- ♪ Is what you get ♪

♪ What you say should be from your own mind ♪

-"What you say should be from your own mind"?

[chuckles] That's stupid.

- Yeah, really, 'cause, like,

sometimes I can't hear all those voices in my mind,

you know, and then--

wait a minute, Butt-Head, wait a minute.

I'm getting something. Um--

Uh, yep. Uh--

Butt-Head, I have to go to the bathroom.

I'll be right back.

[speaking gibberish]

- [chuckles] Hey, Beavis, come here.

This sucks.

- Hang on a second. I'll be right out.

[chuckles]

[speaking gibberish]

[both chuckling]

- Uhh.

Slow down, Spot.

Uhh.

Uhh, okay, Beavis.

Throw the stick.

[barks]

Fetch, dog wipe. - Yeah, go get it.

Yeah. [barking]

[both chuckling]

Uh, check it out.

He missed the stick.

- Um, he's still running, Butt-Head. Yeah.

- Yeah. He's, like, way past it.

[both chuckling] - Yeah.

[somber music]

- What a dumb dog. - Yeah.

- What a dumbass.

We should get another one.

[both chuckling]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

[Phish's "Down with Disease" playing]

♪ ♪

- Whoa, they're, like, diving into the fish t*nk.

[chuckles] That's cool.

- Diving into the what?

- The fish t*nk, Beavis.

- Oh. I thought those things were, like,

just really fancy clear toilets.

[both chuckling]

I mean, you know, I usually, like,

you know, just take a leak in those things really.

- Beavis, you think everything's a toilet.

- Well, there's fish in there, right?

And they go to the bathroom in there, right?

- Uhh, yeah.

- So it's a toilet. See?

- Uhh, yeah.

They drink their own wee wee.

[both chuckling] - Yeah.

Fish are stupid. - Yeah.

They're like, "Uhh, I guess I'll take a dump

and then swim around in it."

[both chuckling] - Yeah.

That sounds pretty cool.

Hey, Butt-Head, check this out.

Do you like seafood?

- Uhh, yeah.

Uh, Beavis,

that joke only works if you have food in your mouth.

- Hm. - Dumbass.

- Oh, yeah.

Well, use your imagination, dillhole.

[both chuckling]

♪ ♪

[bluesy rock music]

♪ ♪