06x18 - Substitute

[bunniefuu]

- [chuckling]

[bluesy rock music]

- People, I'm very disappointed with these test scores.

- [CHUCKLING] We scored.

- [CHUCKLING] Yeah.

- No, Butthead.

That's my point.

You didn't score.

You got a zero.

Now, I know you people are bright enough, so I'm guessing

the problem lies elsewhere.

So today, I want to show you how

to realign your mind-body energies

through simple meditation, mkay?

First I'll assume the Lotus position.

There. Mkay?

Now-- Ah!

My neck!

Oh, my God.

Somebody call an ambulance.

- Whoa.

I thought school was going to suck today.

- Yeah.

[chuckling]

[Extreme's "Hole Hearted"]

Butthead: Uh, all right.

Beavis: What?

Butthead: Uh, all right.

This is kind of cool.

Beavis: Really?

Yeah, I guess so.

- Yeah.

You know, it's kind of-- kind of groovy.

Kind of has a nice little thing, you know?

Kind of makes me feel good.

Beavis: Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Definitely.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I see what you're saying. Yeah.

It's kind of, hey.

[vocalizing]

Yeah.

Yeah, this is really cool.

Yeah.

Butthead: Uh, Beavis?

I was just kidding.

Dumb ass. Beavis: Yeah.

I mean, I know.

Shut up, Butthead.

- You really like this crap.

- No, I don't, Butthead.

I was Just kidding.

- What a wuss.

- Butthead, stop it.

I hate everything about him.

I hate this.

I hate it.

Shut up.

Heh.

You know what'd be cool?

Is if it just started pouring rain right now.

Butthead: Yeah.

Or maybe there'd be, like, a sudden hail storm.

- Yeah.

Yeah.

Or a turd storm.

Butthead: There's no such thing as a turd storm, Beavis.

Beavis: This is a video, Butthead.

They can have anything they want.

And I want to see a turd storm.

Butthead: Settle down, Beavis.

And I thought I told you to quit talking

about turds all the time.

Beavis: Oh, yeah.

I'm sorry.

Heh.

[bell ringing]

- Cool.

I win again.

Uh, paper kills scissors.

- Ow!

Well, you're pretty good at this game.

- Good morning, everybody.

I'm Jim the substitute.

Sorry to rush you, but we're going to be dead in years,

and that's barely enough time to learn anything.

Let's start with these things.

A textbook gives you a hernia, not an education.

- Whoa.

- Cool.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Nyah!

- Lesson one, people.

Enthusiasm.

If you can't get into what you're doing,

why do it at all?

What's your name?

- Uh, Joe.

- Joe?

Joe what?

- Uh, Mama.

[chuckling]

- Joe Mama.

[LAUGHS] Hey, that's great.

Lesson , be creative.

What's your name?

- Um, um, Jack.

- OK, Jack.

Jack what?

- Um, Jack Mama.

[chuckling]

- All right.

Fair enough.

Well, no points off for trying.

How about you?

- Hugh G. Rection.

- That's marvelous. You?

- Ogyny.

Miss Ogyny.

- Misogyny.

Hey, that's wonderful.

I like this class.

- This guy's a dumb ass.

He'll believe anything.

- Yeah.

Really.

I'm going to stick around for this.

[chuckling]

Check it out, Butthead.

Somebody left their locker open.

- Let's close it for him.

- Yeah.

[thud]

Now let's close it again.

Yeah.

[thud]

[thud]

[chuckling]

[thud]

- A good reader's like a lover.

Attentive, passionate.

Who wants to make love today?

Hey, Beavis and Butthead.

What'd you think of those old Superman comics I loaned you?

- Uh, we gave them to this kid after he

showed us a dead deer.

- Yeah.

It was all bloated and stuff.

I poked it. - Mm-hmm.

Wise choice, men.

Life experience beats book learning, hands down.

Hey, what's this?

- It's a diorama based on Walt Whitman's poem,

"Cavalry Crossing a Ford."

We made it for you.

- For me?

You all did this for me?

- Together, after school.

- We didn't do it.

- Yeah.

We don't do stuff like that.

- Yeah.

Really.

- Oh, you want me to get pissed, right?

Like the system says.

But I'm going to break that little rule

and tell you something you've probably never heard before.

I believe in you.

I believe in you, and I trust you.

Come over here, and I'll prove it.

ok.

You stand here.

Butthead, stand here.

Now I'm going to show you something.

I trust you.

[cr*ck]

Ah!

- Whoa.

- Yeah.

[chuckling]

Jim: Ambulance!

- [chuckling]

Man: Oh, my God!

- I think we were supposed to catch him, Butthead.

- Oh, yeah.

Jim: [STRAINING] Ambulance!

- Dumbass.

Whoa.

Check out his eyes.

Jim: [groaning]

[Jamie Walters' "Hold On"]

[SINGING] I don't want to see you.

Beavis: Yeah.

I don't want to see you, either.

Butthead: Yeah.

Really.

- Change the channel. Come on, Butthead.

Or turn it off, or something.

- Uh, there's nothing else on.

Beavis: What happened to those cards?

Butthead: They're right here. Beavis: Come on.

Let's play another round.

I want to win my $ back.

Butthead: Uh, OK.

[CHUCKLING] Uh, this game is called Bunghole Surprise.

- Cool.

Butthead: First, you take your cards.

And then you, like, tell me what you have.

[chuckling]

Beavis: OK.

Um, I have two s and a and a and, um, and a chick.

- Uh, OK.

Dumbass.

Uh, OK.

I'm going to, like, get five new cards.

I bet $.

And I won, so you owe me $, bunghole.

- No way.

That's too much.

I don't want to play this anymore.

- Uh, OK.

If you don't want to play, we'll just watch this video.

- No! OK.

I'll play.

Um, OK.

Um, um, OK. $.

Butthead: Uh, OK.

Uh, I won.

Beavis: Damn it!

Really?

How come I keep losing?

I never win!

Butthead: Dumbass.

[bell ringing]

- With just a few exceptions, people,

I'm impressed by the progress on these test scores.

- We scored.

[chuckling]

- No, Butthead.

You didn't.

We'll talk about it later.

Right now, we're going to talk about Emily Dickinson.

[chuckling]

Open your textbooks to page ,

the poem entitled "A Narrow Fellow in the Grass."

[chuckling]

ok.

Now.

[creaking]

- Eh?

Ah!

[crash]

Please get help!

Ah!

Ow!

- School's gotten a lot cooler lately.

- Yeah.

I'm getting, like, "instrested" in learning or something.

[metal music]

- And now I give you the men of Chavez.

[Chavez's "Break Up Your Band"]

Beavis: That dude was kind of funny.

Butthead: Uh, yeah.

Yeah.

He kind of was.

[chuckling]

- What is this, anyways?

- Uh, I don't know.

Some kind of show.

- Yeah.

Yeah.

This is kind of cool.

- Uh, yeah.

I mean, it's like, the music is horrible.

But it rules.

- Yeah.

Yeah.

We should watch this all the time.

Yeah.

This rules.

- I bet you could score with some of those chicks

in the audience by just going up to them and saying, uh,

hey, baby.

I'm not in the band.

- Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Like, all you'd have to do is say, um, yeah.

I have nothing to do with these guys.

Want to make out?

That would rule.

Butthead: Yeah.

[chuckling]

You know, It's like this video is cool.

It's got something for everyone.

You know?

Like, whatever you're into.

Like, if you're into a dude wiggling his butt around,

they've got that.

Beavis: No, thanks.

Butthead: If you're into lions, they've got that.

Beavis: Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Or if you're into horrible music, they have that, too.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Something for everybody.

Butthead: Everybody sucks.

Beavis: Yeah.

Everybody is stupid.

[chuckling]

[bluesy rock music]