07x07 - Dumbasses Anonymous

[bunniefuu]

[chuckling]

[bluesy rock music]

♪ ♪

- Okay, listen up.

Part of physical education

is learning what makes your body break down.

What we're talking about today, class, is alcohol.

It's my hope that when you meet our guest today,

his degusting, repulsive physical condition

will be enough to convince you to stay sober.

Here he is.

Now take a good look at him.

- Whoa. [chuckles]

He looks cool. - Yeah, yeah, really.

- Hello, kids.

My name is Dennis, and I'm an alcoholic.

- Cool. - Yeah.

[both chuckling]

- Five years ago, I had my own business.

I was making pretty good money, had a family, a nice house,

but I lost it all because of my drinking.

Well, now I spend all my time at Rolling Hills.

It's a clinic for people like me

who have a problem with alcohol.

- That's cool.

[both chuckle]

Hey, Beavis, maybe they can help us with our problem.

- Yeah, maybe they could get us beer.

[both chuckling]

[both chuckling]

- Hi, how can I help you.

- Uh, we've had a lot of trouble, like,

getting beer and stuff. - Yeah.

We heard you could set us up. - I see.

It sounds like you need our support group for alcoholics.

- Yeah. [chuckles]

- I'll put you in Dr. Steve's group.

Why don't you follow me?

- This is gonna be cool.

[both chuckling]

- Hi, guys, welcome. Have a seat.

- Hey, how's it going? [both chuckling]

- Uh, hey. So what are you drinking?

- Well, it looks like our family has two new members.

What are your names?

- Uh, I'm Butt-Head, and this is, uh, Beavis.

[chuckles] We're alcoholics.

[chuckles] - Yeah, yeah.

Where's the keg?

- Welcome, Butt-head. Welcome, Beavis.

I'm Dr. Steve.

The other members of our group were just telling us

a bit about why they're here.

- Hiya, my name is Joe, and I'm an alcoholic,

and last week, I spent my whole paycheck on booze.

- Whoa. - Yeah, all right.

- Do you have any left? [both chuckling]

- Beavis, Butt-Head, why don't you guys share

a little bit about why you're here.

- Uh, well, we saw this commercial,

and there was, like, this guy,

and he had, you know, like, a beer,

and then there were all these chicks.

[both chuckling]

It was cool. - Yeah, yeah.

It's like we need beer, and we don't want to wait

till we're .

- Yeah, I started early myself. - Yeah, man, I heard that.

For me, it was always, like, beer and chicks,

beer and chicks, man.

And, you know, and it was crazy.

[both chuckling] - You guys rule.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Beer and chicks!

Yeah, exactly. [both chuckling]

- Okay, group, we're going to continue sharing

our experiences with each other.

Who wants to go first?

- I think I've finally cleaned myself up.

- Wow, that's great, man. That's really great.

But you know... - Uh, hey!

- Butt-Head, did you have something to say?

- Uh, yeah, I just want to know when we're gonna get some beer.

- Hey, man, I know what it's like.

I once went two years without a drink.

- Yeah, but I've never had a drink!

You guys were supposed to get us some beer!

[chuckles] - Yeah.

Why don't you just stop all this whining crap

and break out a couple of cold ones?

- Mmm, cold ones. Ooh.

- That does sound pretty good.

- Guys, we've all been through a lot.

We-- - Yeah, let's go.

There's a bar right down the street.

[chuckles]

Come on, what's one beer gonna do?

- Yeah, we'll just have one, and then we'll come right back.

- Guys, let's try to remember why we're here, huh?

Come on.

- You know, I bet I could drink just one and then stop.

- Yeah, yeah, come on.

A couple tall frosty smooth cold ones.

[chuckles]

Pure and cool as a mountain stream.

- Uh, you know, guys, I can't take it.

I need--I need a drink. - Come on.

- Yeah, let's drink! Screw it, man!

- Okay, guys, guys, people! - Right behind you man.

- You were making so much progress.

Hold on to your centers. Remember your centers.

- Ow! - Whoo-hoo!

- To you, baby!

- Look, I told you kids,

you got no ID, you look underage,

and if I serve you, I go to jail.

- Uh... [chuckles]

Then how about one for the road?

- Yeah, you know, like, one to help me forget or something?

- Get out of here, both of you!

- Boo-yeah!

It's okay, partner. These are good kids.

Yeah, you know? Uh...

You know, you boys remind me of me when I was a kid.

- Yeah. [chuckles]

Some day, we're gonna be like you.

- Yeah, yeah, we're gonna be drunk.

- That's my boys! [burps]

Whoo!

[rock music]

[Deconstruction's "L.A. Song"]

- I'll be damned, it's Dave Navarro.

[chuckles] - Uh, who?

[chuckles] - Dave Navarro.

See, um, he was in, um, another band,

and then he quit, and now he's in

the Chili Peppers or something.

- How do you know?

- I saw it on "MTV News."

[imitating beeping] You hear it first.

[imitating beeping]

- you're a dork, Beavis. - Yeah, yeah.

[both chuckling]

- ♪ Move out flat, don't rise up ♪

- Did you hear it from Kurt Scroter?

[chuckles]

- No, from Tabitha Sore-End.

Get it? Sore end.

[chuckles] You know what I'm saying?

[both chuckling]

- I get it, Beavis. You're a dork.

You know the "MTV News" theme song.

- Yeah. [chuckles]

[humming melody] You hear it first.

[humming melody]

[both chuckling]

- ♪ Don't think, just talk ♪

♪ Jog don't ever walk ♪

- How come the Chili Peppers,

like, have a new guitar player,

like, every couple weeks?

- Well, I think what happens

is, um, like, they join the band,

and then, like, Flea is just, like, kicking ass, you know?

And then, like, Anthony getting all the chicks,

and then, you know, guitar player just says,

you know, "Screw this."

[both chuckling]

- Did you hear that on "MTV News"?

[imitates beeping]

[both chuckling]

Dumbass.

- You... [imitates theme song]

Hear it first. [imitates beeping]

[hums melody]

[both chuckle]

♪ ♪

[bluesy rock music]

♪ ♪