07x20 - Bride of Butt-Head

[bunniefuu]

[both chuckling]

[bluesy rock music]

♪ ♪

- [chuckling]

Whoa, check it out.

It says "ass."

[both chuckling]

- [chuckling] Yeah.

[both chucking]

- Uh.

"Marry Ruff-eye-ann men?"

Uh. [chuckles]

Wait a minute. "Marry Russian woman."

[chuckles]

Whoa, foreign chicks.

[both chuckle]

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, foreign chicks kick ass.

- Hey, Beavis. [chuckles]

I could get a wife.

[both chuckling] - Whoa, cool.

Get a naked one! [chuckles]

[line trilling]

- Hello? Russian Wives Unlimited.

- Uh.

I'm a rich American with a big wiener.

- Yeah. [both chuckling]

Flop.

- Uh, and what kind of package

would you be interested in, sir?

- Uh...her package?

- [chuckles] Yes, sir.

But which of our offers are you most interested in?

We've got everything from a trip to Russia for $,

to videotapes and color catalogs

starting at just a hundred bucks.

What'll it be?

- Uh...

uh... [phone ringing]

- Can you hold on a second?

- Wait, no. [chuckles]

- Hello? Russian Wives Unlimited.

- [Russian accent] Why did you lie to me?

- Katya?

- You promised me a handsome, rich American man,

but this man is a pig and an idiot.

I must have a divorce! [crying]

- H-hold on, Katya.

A marriage is a sacred partnership, and--

[bell rings] Hey, wait a minute.

You know, I happen to have on the line right now

another American man who I think would be perfect for you.

His name is Mr. Head.

He's got a great sense of humor

and he's worldly, smart, and very rich.

- Hmm, go on.

- And you know, he doesn't live very far from you.

Tell you what, I'll pay for your transportation.

- Hey, Butt-Head. [chuckles]

You think Russian chicks know how to, um, you know,

do it?

- Uh, she better.

- Cool. [both chuckle]

Maybe she could teach us.

- Mr. Head, I found you a wife.

- Cool.

[Wagner's "Bridal Chorus"]

♪ ♪

[chuckles]

- Repeat after me.

"I, Butt-Head, do you with all my heart and soul

and my wiener."

- Uh, I, Butt-Head,

do you with all my heart and soul and my wiener.

[chuckles] - You may now do the bride.

♪ ♪

- This is going to be cool.

[both chuckling]

- Boi-oi-oi-oi-oing!

[quirky music playing on TV]

[doorbell buzzing]

♪ ♪

- Hey, baby. [chuckles]

- Hi. My name is Katya.

Uh, where's Mr. Head?

- Uh, in my pants. [chuckles]

- Whoa!

Hey, Butt-Head, is that your wife?

- Yeah. [chuckles]

- You are Mr. Head?

- Uh, yeah. [chuckles]

So, uh I guess I should, like,

carry you across the thrashold now so we can, like, do it.

[both chuckling]

Let's go ahead and get you here.

- [grunts] [Butt-Head groans]

[both chuckling]

Yeah, let's just go straight to the doing it part.

[both chuckling]

[Butt-Head chuckling]

[indistinct chatter on TV]

Hey, Beavis, pull my finger.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

[both chuckling]

[Butt-Head farts] [both chuckling]

[both sighing]

So, uh, Wife? [chuckles]

You want to, you know, go into the other room?

- Yeah, really.

Tell your wife to go into the kitchen

and, like, make some food.

- I'm glad to go in another room.

- Cool. [chuckles]

- I need to call Moscow.

- Moscow?

I can connect you,

but it would be a lot cheaper if you dial direct.

- I don't care.

[Katya speaking Russian] [Butt-Head chuckles]

- Hey, Beavis, you know what?

- [chuckles] What?

- Pretty soon, it's going to be like,

"Hey Wife, pull my wiener."

[both chuckling]

- Yeah, this is going to be cool.

[both chuckling]

Yank, yank. [both chuckling]

- [speaking Russian]

- Plus, I figure if she won't put out,

I can probably just have her arrested

for being a foreigner or something.

- Cool.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Have her ex*cuted. [both chuckling]

[doorbell rings]

I bet they sent over a wife for me, too.

[chuckling] That would be cool.

- Hi, guys. Whatcha doing?

- Damn it! Get out of here, Stewart!

- I just had a really cool idea

for how we can hang out together.

Have you guys ever played Pogs?

- [speaking Russian] [pounds wall]

- Uh, who's that?

Do you have, like, a visitor or something?

- Uh, yeah, that's my wife.

- Come on.

Who is it, really?

- Uh, Stewart, this is my wife. [Beavis chuckles]

- Uh, Wife, this is Stewart.

He's a wussy.

- Wow, are you two really married?

- Yeah, and you know what else? [chuckles]

We're going to have sex.

- Whoa!

- So it's like, uh,

you got to go now, Stewart, 'cause we're gonna do it.

[Stewart stutters] Get the hell out of here.

You too, Beavis.

- Come on, Beavis.

I'll show you my Pogs collection.

I got this great new slammer.

- Yeah.

Go play your little games.

We're going to have sex.

- Come on, Beavis.

- No way!

I'm going to stay and watch him do it.

Yeah. [chuckles]

Come on. [chuckles]

Come on.

[both chuckling]

- This is going to be cool.

Uh, hey, baby.

- Try to touch me and I'll break your hand.

- Uh.

- This sucks.

- [speaking Russian]

- Now, class, an interesting thing

to remember is that the--

- Hey, Butt-Head, so like, did you guys do it last night?

[whispering indistinctly]

- It's a path we are all headed to.

- Whoa.

- Now, you might be reincarnated in a lower caste.

This is where Hinduism and Christianity differ the most.

[both chuckling]

- Excuse me, who's that sitting next to Butt-Head?

- Um, it's just me, Beavis.

- Not you, dumbass.

[chuckles]

Uh, this is my wife.

Want to see her naked?

[overlapping chatter]

- [sighs] Come on, Butt-Head.

Remember our little talk about sexism, mm-kay?

And whoever she is,

I'm sure our visitor doesn't appreciate

your claiming to be her spouse.

- She's, like, one of those, you know, made-to-order brides.

I think she's foreign. [chuckles]

- Is this true, Miss, uh--

- Katya.

And it's, um, sort of true,

but I'm not even married

and I already want a divorce from this idiot.

[laughter]

- So uh, Wife.

Want to go and, uh... [chuckles]

Constipate the marriage?

Hey, slow down. [engine revving]

- Yeah! Slow down, damn it!

- [speaking Russian]

- Hey, doll face.

- Get me the hell out of here.

- Climb in and grab on already.

[engine gurgling]

Whoo-hoo!

[tires squealing]

[indistinct chatter on TV]

[remote clicks] - I'm leaving you.

[remote clicks]

- [sobbing] My wife left me for another man!

[moaning and springs squeaking]

- Hey, Butt-Head, do you think Todd did it with your wife?

[moaning and springs squeaking]

- Uh, I don't know.

- I'm just wondering, you know, if the two of them did it--

you know, because she's not supposed to do it

with other guys, right?

- [moans] Todd!

[Katya giggles]

- But what I don't understand is she's your wife.

Like, isn't she supposed to do it with you then

instead of Todd?

Because I don't remember, like, you telling him

it was okay to have sex with your wife.

- Damn it, Beavis, she's not really my wife.

I don't think it even counts because, like,

we never did it.

It's, like, the marriage is analed or something.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

So, like, do you think Todd's married to her now?

'Cause I bet he did it with her.

I knew it when I first saw her in his car.

You know what I'm saying? You could just tell.

It's like she had "do it" written all over--

- Damn it, Beavis!

- Oh, hey, wait a minute.

I just thought of something. [chuckles]

So it's like now that Todd did your wife,

it's kind of like you and Todd are related.

- Oh, yeah. [chuckles] We are related.

I bet Todd will let me into his g*ng now.

[matrimonial organ music]

- Yeah, yeah, me too.

[rock music]

♪ ♪

[Pantera's "This Love"]

♪ ♪

- ♪ If words were ever spoken ♪

- Yes, Pantera! Yeah, yeah!

- Yeah. [chuckles]

But what's going on here?

- Don't worry, Butt-Head. It's South rockin'. Come on.

[both chuckling]

♪ ♪

- Ooh, baby. - Yeah. [chuckles]

I like that, yeah.

- ♪ You keep this love ♪

- Yeah, yeah! - Yes!

- Come on, take this love! - Yeah!

- ♪ Love ♪ - Yeah. [chuckles]

- Hey, Butt-Head, does this Pantera guy ever relax?

- Uh, I don't think so.

- [chuckles]

- This guy's dad must've kicked his ass when he was a kid.

- Yeah, really.

He was like, "Damn it, Pantera!

This beer's warm! Get me another one!"

- Yeah. [chuckles]

He was like,

"You treat your stepmother with respect, Pantera!"

[both chuckling]

"Or you'll be sleeping in the street."

[both chuckling] - Yeah.

He was like, "Damn it, Pantera!

"I told you to get out there and mow that lawn!

"Oh, what's this? Is that a tear, Pantera?

"Oh, is daddy's little girl upset?

"I'm going to kick your ass into next Tuesday!

"Now get out of here and quit acting

like a damn little girl!"

- [chuckles] Settle down, Beavis.

- Yeah, yeah. Thanks.

Ooh, that was pretty cool.

♪ ♪

[The Murmurs' "You Suck"]

[mellow alt rock music] Um...um...hmm.

Is this a diaper commercial?

- Uh, no, this is a douche commercial.

[both chuckling] - Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, that's funny. [chuckles] Douche.

[both chuckling]

What is douche anyway? Like, how does it work?

- Uh, I don't know.

I think chicks use it, like,

when they get that not-so-fresh feeling.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

I think it helps them, like, go horseback riding

and, like, go down to the beach

and stuff like that, too.

- Yeah.

I wonder how come they don't have a douche for guys?

- Yeah, that would rule.

'Cause, like, sometimes, you know,

I feel like, you know, I'm not so fresh.

- Well, maybe if you'd wash your butt once in a while.

And I'm not talking about washing your whole butt,

I'm talking about washing your butthole.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

both: ♪ And for that, you suck ♪

♪ Oh ♪

- They just said you suck. - No they didn't.

They saidyousuck.

♪ ♪

They ripped off my idea for a song.

- Yeah, you, like, already ripped off

the idea from me, butthole.

- Beavis, do you remember what I told you

about trying to be funny?

- Um, um... that I shouldn't?

- That's right.

Now sit there and shut up.

Nutsack. [both chuckling]

- Wait, wait, wait, I think I can see something!

- Uh.

- I think I can see the side of her boob!

[screams]

- I think that's just a koala bear.

- Oh yeah, sorry.

- ♪ Right now there's dust on my guitar ♪

- You know something?

I wish these girls were naked,

and I wish they were right here without any clothes on,

and I wish I was grabbing their butt,

and, um, that's about it.

- Uh, well, all right then.

both: ♪ You suck ♪

♪ And for that, you suck ♪

♪ [both vocalizing] ♪

[bluesy rock music]

♪ ♪