07x02 - Vaya Con Cornholio

[bunniefuu]

[chuckling]

[bluesy rock music]

♪ ♪

- [chuckling]

[slurps]

- [chuckles]

Hey, Beavis, how's that new soda?

- [slurping]

Ahh. [chuckling]

It's pretty good.

Yeah.

[slurping]

- Whoa.

Thirsty, Beavis? [both chuckle]

- Yeah. This stuff is really good.

Yeah.

[slurping]

Ahh.

[chuckling]

[growling, babbling]

- [chuckles] This is cool.

- [babbling]

[machine hissing]

[babbling]

Ahh. Ah.

I am Cornholio!

I need TP for my bunghole.

[babbling] - [chuckling]

- My bunghole will eat now.

Ah, ah, ah, ah. [jittering]

You must prepare a feast fit for the almighty bunghole.

[grill sizzling]

Would you like a spatula for your bunghole?

[door opens]

You must feed

the almighty bunghole. - Uhh, hey.

Uh, how can I, uh, help you this--tonight?

- ♪ The almighty ♪ - Hi, Immigration.

- ♪ Bungholio ♪ - Uh, what?

- [slowly] Immigration.

- ♪ Bungholio ♪ - Uhh--

- ♪ The almighty Bungholio ♪

- It has to be on the menu, sir.

- No, dumb ass.

I'm with Immigration.

- Really, where?

- I am Cornholio. - Listen, I work

for the government.

I'm just checking to see if there are

any illegal immigrants working here.

- Uhh--oh, you mean like Mexicans?

- Bunghole, Bungholio. [growling]

- What's with him?

What the hell language is he speaking?

- Uhh--hmm.

I don't know.

- Hey, you. Habla español?

- Español? Es bunghole.

Habla? [speaking gibberish]

- Hey, I'm talking to you.

Get back here! - [chuckles]

- [babbling]

- Hey, I'm talking to you. - EspañolFor my bunghole.

- I'm with the United States Department of Immigration.

Do you have any ID?

- Do you have any TP? TP for my bunghole?

- [speaking Spanish]

- [speaking Spanish, gibberish]

- Do you have a Green card?

- Are you threatening me?

- Yeah, maybe I am.

I'm with Immigration,

and if you don't show me some proof of residency,

I'm gonna have to take you in.

- You can take me, but you cannot take my bunghole.

[chuckles] For I have no bunghole.

I am the great Cornholio.

Where I come from there is no TP.

My people, we have but one bunghole.

- OK, so what do we know about this kid?

- I picked him up at Burger World.

But he doesn't have any ID or anything.

- [blabbering] - Says his name is "Cornholio."

- I am Cornholio. - The hell kind of a name

is that?

- Is that his first name or last?

- Mm, I don't know. It's the only name he gives.

- [gibberish]

- Cornholio? Sounds Spanish.

He could be Italian.

- The almighty Bungholio! - I doubt it.

- Well, the little bastard devoured my taco

and burrito combo on the ride over.

- Well, probably Mexican.

- Says he's from "Lake Titicaca."

- Lake Titicaca?

- Lake Titicaca. Titicaca.

- OK, find out where the hell lake Titicaca is.

- Ohh, Nicaragua!

- Nicaragua? - Agua for my bunghole.

Bunghole! - Oh, yeah, and he keeps

saying he needs, "TP for his bunghole."

- What the hell's a bunghole?

Will you find out what a bunghole is?

- You are a bunghole!

And so am I.

There will be more bungholes after me.

- Here, I got the dictionary.

- Bunghole. - "Bunghole"

Says, "a hole in a barrel or a keg

for pouring in or drawing out liquid."

- [speaking gibberish] Bunghole.

- This kid's messed up.

Just take him back to Mexico and drop him off

with the others.

Let the federales deal with him.

- OK, Cornholio, time to go back home.

- Are you threatening me?

You will give me TP, bunghole.

- Yeah, yeah, all right,

I know your bunghole needs TP.

We'll get you plenty of TP

just as soon as we get you back to Mexico.

And your bunghole will be just fine.

- I would hate for my bungholio to get polio.

- Me too.

Come on, OK.

This way, Cornholio.

- The bunghole, it is nothing to be ashamed of.

- A new report shows that illegal aliens

are crossing into the United States

at an all-time high.

The US-- - What a dumb ass.

- But for the few that are caught,

these illegal aliens are documented and then return

to Mexico only to try to cross again

in an ongoing and seemingly endless cycle.

- [chuckles]

- TP for his bunghole.

- [speaking Spanish] - [speaking Spanish]

- [speaking Spanish]

- Ahh. [chuckling]

Is this Nicaragua?

I will take this land for my bunghole.

Long live the almighty bunghole!

I am the great Cornholio.

There will be people for every man.

[Spanish guitar music]

My people, we have been without TP.

[chuckling]

No man should be without TP.

[coyote howls]

[Blues Traveler's "Run Around"]

♪ ♪

- He's playing a toy. [both chuckle]

- Whoa, check out that chick's panties!

- Damn it, Beavis. Don't talk to me

when a chick's panties are on TV.

It's like you mess up my mind, and I can't,

like, see the panties right. [chuckles]

- Oh, yeah, sorry. Yeah.

[both chuckle]

- ♪ I couldn't escape that memory of a phone call ♪

- Uh, I think this of Blues Traveler.

- No it's not. Where's that big, fat dude?

- I think that's him, Beavis.

I think he just, like, lost a lot of weight.

- Damn it. That pisses me off.

Everybody keeps getting skinny.

- Yeah, he looked better when he was

a big fat slob bouncing around on the stage going,

[flubbers lips]

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And his, like, stomach was hanging over his pants going,

[flubbers flips]

- Check it out, Beavis.

I'm fingering my lips.

[flubbers flips]

Big fat dude.

[flubbers]

[both chuckle]

- Yeah. Remember that cartoon

that had that big fat dude in it

and he used to go, "Hey, hey, hey."

- Oh, yeah, and then he had that friend

with his eyes cut out of his hat.

And he'd, like, go,

[flubbers lips] "Hey, baby,

let's go around." - Yeah, yeah.

- Yeah. See, they used to have cool cartoons.

Cartoons now just suck.

- Yeah.

- ♪ Sure-fire way to keep things up ♪

- Um, I don't think Dorothy was this hot in the movie.

- Chicks were all, like, ugly in olden times.

It was, like, really messed up.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

I guess that's why old dudes are, like,

all cranky and stuff.

They're, like, "Back in my day,

"you'd hardly ever get wood watching TV.

Oh, yeah, it was rough, uh-huh."

[both chuckling]

- Yeah. [chuckling]

[applause]

[bluesy rock music]

♪ ♪