10x01 - Meditation Sucks/Polling Place

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ MTV ♪

[both chuckling]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

- Welcome, fellow human beings, to my meditation class, mm-kay,

whether you're a meditation expert

or just here as a school-mandated

alternative to detention.

- This sucks.

- Yeah, really.

Can we just go to detention?

- Now, everyone, concentrate on your mantra, mm-kay?

Om.

students: Om.

- Uh.

- Um.

- Very good, Beavis and Butt-Head, very good.

Now, try to empty your minds of all thought.

- Uh. - Uh, what?

- It sounds easy, but some say only the Buddha himself

was able to completely empty his mind

and achieve enlightenment.

Now, let's begin while I set the mood

with these Tibetan singing bowls I bought

at Cost Plus World Market.

[bowl ringing]

- Okay, clear your mind.

Clear your mind.

- Don't think.

Wait, where did I park?

- Uh.

- Huh. Hmm.

- Adam just doesn't get me.

- No thoughts.

Wait, that is a thought.

[ringing continues]

[ethereal music]

- Huh?

- Uh, whoa.

I think we, like, left our bodies or something.

- Oh. Cool.

My body sucked.

- Yeah, mine too.

It never scored. [chuckles]

- Um, where are we going? [chuckles]

- Uh, I don't care.

- Lil Nas X, I sentence you to five years

in Montero State Prison.

[gavel bangs]

[dramatic music]

- Daytrip took it to ten.

♪ Baby back, ay ♪

♪ Couple racks, ay ♪ [Beavis] Whoa.

You think he smuggled those Grammys in

inside his butt? [snickers]

- Uh, yeah.

That's why he's cleaning 'em off.

Everything in prison comes in through your butt.

See that guy right there?

He's about to pull a Little League trophy

out of his butt. [chuckles]

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, nowadays everyone gets a trophy, you know?

[snickers]

- Yeah.

Good for your self-esteem.

Bad for your butt. [chuckles]

[both laugh]

- ♪ I told you long ago ♪

[Beavis] Whoa, do those guys have schlongs?

- Uh, I think so.

They're just using, like, special effects

to "pixtelate" them out.

[chuckles]

- Oh, that was nice of them, yeah.

[chuckles]

Whoa.

Boy, I wouldn't want to be, like, grinding around

on the floor like that, you know, 'cause...

you know how people always pee and poop

in the shower, you know?

- Uh...no.

I mean, like, I pee in the shower,

but I don't poop.

- What, you don't?

Yeah, you know what I'm talking about, Butt-Head.

Everyone does it, you know?

Just like, you poop in the shower,

and then you mash it down with your foot

into that drain thing,

and then you go wash your foot off

in the toilet, you know.

- Uh, no, I don't know, Beavis.

- Boy, you're weird, Butt-Head.

I think everybody does that. I don't know.

I mean, that's what I do.

[chuckles]

- Uh, Beavis, I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear any of this.

Now, let's go back to watching these naked dudes dance.

[laughs]

- Is he, like, working at T-Mobile now?

- Uh, I think you have to work at T-Mobile

when you're in prison.

- Oh. Oh, that sucks.

I thought you just get to, like,

sit around and watch TV all the time.

You have to work at T-Mobile?

That's, like, inhumane or something.

[chuckles]

♪ ♪

- This video is, like, really groundbreaking

'cause, like, Jack Harlow's not in it.

[laughs]

Uh.

Oh, never mind.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

There he is.

[groans]

- Someone should do something about Jack Harlow

being in every video.

Uh. Oh.

I guess they did. [laughs]

- Yeah, yeah.

[both chuckling]

[ethereal music]

♪ ♪

- Uh, where are we?

- I think it's, like, Arizona or something.

- Greetings, travelers.

And welcome to enlightenment.

I am the Buddha.

- Uh, okay.

- Let me introduce you to the others who are here.

Ganesh.

- So few humans make it here.

Welcome.

- Jesus.

- Bless you, my children.

- Zeus.

- Kudos.

- And, uh, Bill Gates.

- Hi.

I've been meditating for five years.

- He also donated a lot of money

to some Buddhist nonprofits.

- This place is neat, huh?

- A lot of money.

So now you are here at the end of your lifelong journey.

Enlightenment,

the place of serenity, true wisdom,

and freedom from desire.

- So we have to be here instead of detention?

- Yeah, that sucks. [chuckles]

Is there anything cool here at all?

- Would you like to hear the meaning of life?

- Uh, no.

- Yeah. Sounds boring. Yeah.

- But it's the meaning of life.

- You do realize that's the reason people come here,

to learn the meaning of life.

[laughter]

- That cloud looks like a butt.

- Yeah, it's a butt! In the sky!

[laughter]

- It's a butt.

[laughter]

- Yeah.

- What are we going to do about them?

- Do not worry.

None may remain here in the state of enlightenment

unless they can keep their serenity and focus.

- Well, so when they lose their serenity and focus--

- They must leave, never to return.

[laughter]

[bowl ringing]

[laughter]

- Hey.

Um, in Arizona, do you have, like, food?

- Food does not exist here.

Here we are free from all desire.

- Uh, that sucks.

- Yeah, really.

- Yes.

It's enough to make you lose your serenity and focus,

is it not?

- Although technically, you can manifest

anything you want here with the power of your will, so...

- Uh.

[shimmering tone]

[laughter]

Cool. - Yeah, these are fantastic.

- Those bowls were given to me by the first Dalai Lama

in the year .

- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, Mr. Van Driessen has the same ones.

- His are from Cost Plus World Market.

- Yup.

Same ones. Yep.

[bowl crashes]

- Whoops.

- Someone should clean that up.

- Yeah, really.

Hey, naked guy, can you go ahead and clean this up?

You're already wearing a towel.

- Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you can just use that.

Yeah. [bowl crashes]

Yeah, wipe that up, too, while you're at it.

Come on, let's go, come on.

- Why, you disrespectful little--

- Zeus, concentrate on your breathing.

- Don't tell me what to do!

- Whoa, take it easy.

Keep your towel on.

- Yeah, really.

No one wants to see your wiener.

- I should shove a thunderbolt up your ass!

[screams]

- Everybody, please, remember your serenity and focus.

Don't make the mistake Zeus just made.

- Hey, Beavis,

let's think of a monster truck.

- Yeah, yeah, and tear ass all over the place, yeah.

- You're g*dd*mn right.

- That is enough outta you punks!

You hold them, and I'll hit them.

[Beavis and Butt-Head grunting]

Damn, this feels great!

Whoo!

[both scream]

- That was cool. [laughs]

- My children, we must work through this

in an enlightened manner.

- Um, you've got some nacho cheese

on your dress there, sir.

- This is what you call nacho cheese?

[sniffs]

It smells like a beautiful flower.

This is delicious.

I must get me some nachos.

[screams]

- Uh, where'd he go?

[laughs] - Yeah.

- So I guess it's just you and me

for the rest of eternity, huh?

That'll give us plenty of time to talk

about the future of computing.

- [groans] Damn it.

- This guy is pissing me off.

- Yeah, me too, yeah.

Yeah, let's kick his--

[both scream]

[both scream]

- Whoa! What happened?

- Uh, I think we, like, escaped enlightenment or something.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, good, yeah, 'cause that place sucked, yeah.

It was, like, in Arizona.

Yeah.

- Boys, if you keep talking,

you'll never advance in meditation, mm-kay?

- Cool. - Yeah.

[both laughing]

[rock music]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

- ♪ L-L-look, look, look, look, look, look ♪

♪ Pole dancer ♪ - Whoa!

Okay, here we go. Yeah.

- Now we're getting somewhere.

- Yeah, it's like, there's these chicks

with big old butts, and they're dancing on poles,

and there's a spinning beach ball--

Wait a second.

Damn it.

- Uh. This sucks.

- Maybe if we just, like, you know,

wait a minute or something, it'll start up again, you know?

Gotta be patient.

- Sometimes it takes a while.

[slurps]

[birds chirping]

[crickets chirping]

[birds chirping, dog barking]

[slurps]

- Um, Butt-Head?

I think it's been, like, a day or something.

I don't think that beach ball is going away.

- Uh, well, Beavis, we're just gonna have to do like the days

before TV was invented and find real pole dancers ourselves.

- Oh, boy.

Okay. [laughs]

- Uh, I think there's, like, a strip club around here,

and I think we can get in if we act all, like, mature.

[laughs] "Mature."

[laughs] - Do they have poles?

- It's a strip club, dumbass.

They all have poles and, like, machines

that make it rain and, uh--

whoa!

Check it out, Beavis.

Polling...

Palace.

Polling Palace.

[chuckles] - Yeah, cool.

This must be it! Yeah.

- Beavis, we're about to get all up in the club.

- Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!

Hmm!

[rock music]

- This live dig might get drowned out by sound.

[Beavis] What are they doing? What are those things?

- Uh, those are those things that old people use

at the beach, where they, like, go around

with the headphones and listen for beeps

and try to find, like, pirate treasure or something stupid.

[laughs] - Oh, yeah, yeah.

There's usually something wrong with the people

who do that, you know? [laughs]

- There sure is. [chuckles]

- What is that, some kind of, like, turd or something?

[laughs]

- Oh, no, no, no!

- Uh.

It's just a dime.

- Oh, really?

How much is that worth?

- Uh, I bet he could sell that thing

for, like, ten cents.

[laughs]

- Boy, they sure are getting excited over ten cents,

you know?

- She's gonna masturbate to it.

[laughter]

- All right, I got that Barber by these sycamores,

and Doug came over.

- He's like, "Ooh, Doug, another turd."

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hmm, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look, it's a useless piece of crap.

- What a beautiful design on that buckle.

- What'd he say? It's a buckle?

- Yeah.

Hundreds of years ago before there was YouTube,

people used these things to bore other people.

[laughs]

- Yeah, and it still works. Yeah.

- All right, we brushed off...

- Whoa, look, Doug is fiddling with his schlong, look.

[laughs]

- Yeah, that's Doug's buckle 'cause he just undid

his pants to play with himself.

- All right, I'm on the other side of this tree,

these two sister trees.

- Sister trees?

- Trees can be girls?

I thought they were all dudes, yeah.

You know, because, um--'cause they have a crotch, you know?

- About the same size.

And I think they predate the house.

- The sister trees are dating the house?

- Maybe the house will score with both of them.

[laughs] - Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Doug's getting them all worked up.

- He just yelled that he got something cool.

And okay.

- Wait a minute.

The word "cool" means something's good, right?

Like, it's cool?

- Yeah.

There's nothing cool about that.

- I mean, I used to eat my toy Hot Wheels and Tonka Trucks

and poop them out all the time,

but I didn't go show it off, you know,

and, like, make videos and stuff, you know?

[laughter]

Come back when you got half a LEGO pirate ship

floating in the toilet, you know?

Now, that, I showed people. I did do that. Yeah.

- Yeah. [laughs]

The teacher said you ruined third grade.

[laughter]

And then he retired.

[laughter]

- Oh, yeah.

- All right, Doug, nice find,

clad quarter, eagle back at least.

- I hate it when people come into Burger World

and they try to pay cash with a bunch of coins.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I can't tell one of them from another, yeah.

I just put them in the register

and say, "Thank you very much.

Drive through," yeah.

- I hate when anyone comes into Burger World at all.

- Yeah, yeah, really.

Sometimes I just want to say,

"You know, I don't come to where you work

"and, like, throw a bunch of money around

and demand French fries, so don't do it here," yeah.

[laughs]

There sure is a big line.

- Everyone likes pole dancers, Beavis,

even these old perverts.

- Yeah, look at all these freaks.

There oughta be a law, you know what I'm saying?

[laughs]

- Good to see you young folks at the polls.

Is this your first time?

- Yeah, yeah, but, um-- but we've been interested

in this stuff for a long time.

- Yeah. We're, like, really into it.

- Well, good for you boys.

I wasn't interested in any of this stuff

until Ronald Reagan.

- Oh, yeah?

Is she a slut?

- Yeah, yeah, I bet Ronald Reagan

has big hooters, yeah.

- I hope she's in there shaking her butt.

- Yeah, shake that ass, Reagan, yeah.

Show me what you're working with, yeah.

Whoa. [laughs]

I guess we have to get past the bouncers or something.

- Name and address, please?

- Uh, who are you?

- I'm Lorraine. I'm a poll worker.

- Whoa. [laughs]

- Oh, it's not here. - I don't know why...

- Can you excuse me just a second?

- Look again. I've been voting at this...

- Well, she's a little older than I thought,

but I won't complain.

- Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, she must be a really good pole dancer by now.

Sweet Lorraine.

Back that thing up.

- I'm tired of waiting, Beavis.

Let's go get up in the club.

[laughs]

Uh.

Where are the strippers?

I don't see any poles either.

- They gotta be around here somewhere.

[chuckles]

- You just go right behind that curtain there.

- Whoa.

Beavis, looks like we're headed to the champagne room.

- Ooh, yeah.

I hope we get to see Ronald Reagan shake that ass.

- Shake that ass.

- Yeah.

[laughter]

- The champagne room, yeah.

Um, Butt-Head, um, there's no chicks in here.

- Uh, they gotta be here soon.

- And I don't see a pole either, Butt-Head.

- As long as there's chicks, who cares about the pole?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true, yeah.

Yeah, this is gonna be cool. Yeah.

Oh, check it out. What's this?

- Whoa, it's like a pole dancer menu.

- So many pole dancers to choose from, look at that.

- Uh, a lot of these are guys.

[chuckles]

Bush. [laughter]

- Yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna order that one.

Yeah. Ooh.

Here we go. [chuckles]

So now what?

- Uh.

Go up there and put it in the box.

I'll hold it down here in case the strippers come.

[laughs]

- Just stick my menu in here. Yeah.

- And put some money in there, dumbass.

Act like you know what you're doing.

- Oh, yeah.

[grunts] Yeah, here we go.

[grunts]

Just go ahead and smooth this out a little.

Make it all nice for the stripper, yeah.

[chuckles]

Let's see what else I got here.

Yeah, that'll seal the deal. Yeah.

[laughs] Big money.

- And now we just wait for our order,

just like Burger World.

- Yeah, yeah.

Thank you. Drive through.

Yeah.

[laughter]

- Um, you've been in there a long time.

Do you need to see a poll worker?

- Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, we've been waiting to see a poll worker

for, like, minutes.

- Yeah, tell her to hurry the hell up already.

[laughter]

- Hello, you two.

- Uh, we didn't come here for small talk.

- Time to get down to business. Yeah.

- Did you fill out the ballot slip and put it in the box?

- We sure did.

- Yeah, and now it's your turn.

Come on, now.

- So congratulations.

You successfully voted.

- Um, we what?

- If you filled out your ballot and then put it in that box,

then you voted.

- Yeah, for a stripper.

- Look, I didn't think she was a great candidate either,

but she's better than the one we've got.

- Is this 'cause Beavis didn't put in enough money?

- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, here.

I was gonna save it for your G-string, but, um--

There she goes. [chuckles]

- Well, that strip club sucked.

- Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I even made it rain

with my last $.,

and nothing happened.

[music thumping]

Maybe we can try this place.

- No way, Beavis.

We're not falling for that again.

[laughs] Sorry, dumbasses.

We, like, outsmarted you.

- Yeah, really.

How dumb do we look?

[laughter]

[rock music]

- Chirp.