10x05 - Tobacco Farmers/Married

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ MTV ♪

[rock music]

♪ ♪

- George Washington and the Founding Fathers

were farmers, mm-kay?

And the main crop they grew was tobacco.

- Whoa. You can grow cigarettes?

- Well, no, but you can grow tobacco, mm-kay?

- You can grow tobacco.

- Yes, tobacco is a plant.

It grows from seeds like any other plant.

- Whoa, cigarette seeds. That's cool.

- [sighs] Guys, it's April.

We're supposed to be up to the Vietnam w*r.

Now, as I was saying,

tobacco was America's first cash crop.

- Yeah, yeah, get cash and money.

- Beavis, we've heard enough.

Let's grow tobacco and get cash money

like that dumbass George Washington.

[chuckles]

- So, um, Butt-Head? How do we grow tobacco?

- Uh...

whoa, check it out.

- Whoa, is that a cigarette seed?

- It sure is, Beavis.

We finally learned something from that hippie.

[chuckles]

- Um, I don't think it's growing, Butt-Head.

- That's because it's not on a farm, butthole.

It needs, like, dirt and, like, barns and stuff.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

And, like, a pitchfork or something, or some hay maybe.

- Whoa, check it out, Beavis. More seeds.

[both chuckling]

- It's good to see two young people

cleaning up all the litter around here.

There's a receptacle right over there, boys.

- Whoa, cool.

We're gonna be rich.

- I can't believe these dumbasses

just left these around and didn't know they were seeds.

They really suck at farming.

- Beavis, everybody sucks at everything.

[chuckles]

- ♪ It'll be a Wednesday ♪

♪ And I'll be going in this coffee shop ♪

♪ Hear the barista call an oat milk latte and your name ♪

♪ And I look up from my phone and think there's no chance ♪

♪ It's you, but it is ♪

- Uh... - Eh?

- ♪ How's your family, how's your sister? ♪

♪ I'll say, Shannon's being Shannon ♪

♪ After a minute of nonsensical chatter, you'll say ♪

- Does she know that the video's started yet?

- She can't decide if she's, like, talking, or singing,

or rapping, or just not really trying very hard.

- ♪ We've been swimming on edge of a cliff ♪

- Wait a second.

Swimming on the edge of a cliff?

I don't understand that. I don't get that at all.

- Maybe it's like, uhh,

there's, like, a waterfall or something?

[chuckles]

- No, no, that would be a waterfall.

It's not a cliff.

No, it doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make any sense.

Swimming on the edge of a cliff, I don't get it.

- Uh, okay, Beavis.

It's dumb. Do you get that?

- ♪ We've been swimming ♪

- Well, maybe there's, like, a baby pool,

but you can't swim in a baby pool.

Yeah, I don't understand it.

- Dammit, Beavis, who cares?

It's just stupid.

- If there was pool on the edge of a cliff--

just think about it for like a couple minutes.

If there was a pool on the edge of a cliff--

- Uh, anyway, Beavis--

- So where's the edge of the pool?

Is that the cliff? - Dammit, Beavis, shut up.

- Wait a minute.

Maybe the whole cliff is made of water, or it's ice

because--you know, 'cause then that's part of the--

no, no, that isn't it.

- ♪ You'll suggest a restaurant we used to go to ♪

- She'd be a cool girlfriend

'cause you could, like, come home and just say,

"Well, how was your day?"

And then she'd be like, "Bleh, bleh, bleh.

It was a Wednesday, and--"

- I'm sorry to keep harping on this,

but I'm thinking about the cliff again,

and maybe if you took an aboveground pool,

one of those infinite pools or something, but--

- Dammit, Beavis, if you say one more thing

about the cliff, I'm gonna smack

the living crap out of you.

- Hang on, hang on.

Let me just circle back to the cliff for a second.

Okay, hear me out.

My grandmother's favorite actor is Montgomery Clift.

Now, if he had a pool at his house--

Ahh!

[grunts] - Hurry up, Beavis.

We gotta, like, find some dirt, so we can go farm

like that George Washington butthole.

- You know, I wonder if George Washington ever scored.

- Of course he scored, dumbass.

He's rich, and he's got his own cigarette trees.

You should think before you open your mouth

once in a while.

- [chuckles]

- Dammit, stop eating the seeds.

- Sorry, it's like, I ate one, and now it's like,

I just can't stop, you know?

It's like I'm addicted to seeds,

you know what I'm saying?

[chuckling] - Whoa.

Check it out, Beavis, a farm.

- Um, Butt-Head, how are we supposed to plant our tobacco?

There's, like, already all these plants here.

- Uh...

I think they're just like weeds or something.

- People have really let this place go to crap, you know.

It's a disgrace.

- Well, let's dig this crap up.

Damn weeds.

- What the hell is this thing?

[both grunting]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

- [sighs] Farming is hard work.

[grunts]

Feels good though, you know? Back to the soil.

- [grunts] That ought to do it.

Now let's plant our tobacco.

[grunts] - [chuckles]

- There we go, all done.

- So, um...

when will they be ready?

- Patience, Beavis.

The cigarette tree takes many seasons to grow.

- Uh, how many of those did you eat?

- I don't know. Probably like .

- Dammit, Beavis, each one of those was gonna be

a whole cigarette tree.

You ate like trees.

- Sorry, sorry.

Just one more to help me relax.

I'll stop tomorrow.

- Dammit, Beavis, now we gotta go find more seeds,

or we're not gonna get rich enough.

- Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, good idea.

I'm, like, craving finding more seeds.

You know what I mean?

- [gasps]

- Oh, no. - Oh, my God.

I don't understand who would do something like this.

- The important thing is,

we worked together and cleaned it up.

- Butt-Head, the weeds grew back.

- That sucks.

Well, let's get to work.

- [grunting]

- No one said it'd be easy.

- What the hell?

What are you doing in our garden?

- Uh...

we're farming, dumbass.

What does it look like?

- Yeah, yeah, we're trying to get rid of these weeds,

unlike some lazy people.

- What's your problem?

- Wait a second. I know these boys.

They couldn't have been the ones who ruined our garden.

They're good boys, and they pick up litter.

- Uh, what?

- No, no, we're trying to be like George Washington.

- George Washington?

I guess they know the importance of being honest.

- Yeah, George Washington scored.

- They were just trying to help clean up,

and we jumped to conclusions.

- Mm-hmm. - I'm sorry, boys.

If you two ever want to help us garden,

you're always welcome.

- Um, okay.

- Well, Beavis, let's get to farming.

We've got a lot of hard work ahead of us.

- That's right. - Yes.

- Sir, could I use your shovel for a minute?

- For a fellow gardener? Of course.

- Hey, stop that!

- We're just trying to do an honest day's work,

you lazy buttholes.

- Yeah, work. You ever heard of it?

Lend a hand or get out of the way.

- Let's get 'em! - Hey, hey, hey!

- [groans]

- Ow! - Don't make me kick your--

[grunts and yells]

- Tobacco sucks.

- That old lady kicked my ass so hard,

the doctor said I have a tumor on my tongue.

And it increased my risk of heart disease.

- Yeah.

- And also, like, a low fetal birth weight or something.

I don't know.

- Well, we certainly learned a lesson today.

- Yep, we sure did.

- The reason George Washington is dead is some old ladies

kicked his ass and gave him cancer.

[chuckles]

- And that's why we're the greatest country on Earth.

[rock music]

[both chuckling]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

[both chuckling]

- Uh, hey, baby.

Want to come with us to Burger World?

Maybe buy us some burgers

and maybe a little something on the side?

- Get lost, creeps.

- She didn't slap us like usual, Butt-Head.

- I think she's starting to come around.

Whoa, some dumbass is getting his car towed.

[both laugh]

- Dumbass.

Um...

wait a second, that's our car.

- Uh, what's the problem, officer?

- Your car's impounded.

You have over $ in unpaid parking tickets.

- In our defense, officer, parking sucks.

- People like you shouldn't be on the road

if you can't follow the rules.

Your licenses are suspended until you pay the fines.

- Uh...

Okay, Beavis, we need to find where they give you

your license back.

Uh, that line sucks.

- Yeah, that's gonna take forever.

- There's no line at that one.

- Yeah, let's go there.

- Uh, we need a license.

- Well, congratulations.

And how's your day going so far?

- Uh, today sucks.

- Yeah, we just wanted to go to Burger World,

but then our neighbor yelled at us and called us creeps.

And then this cop was like,

"You and your kind need to get off the streets."

- Oh, you poor, sweet, beautiful men.

How can people be so cruel?

- I know.

We're just, like, two guys trying to live our lives.

- Yeah, but sometimes, it just feels like

the whole world is against us.

You know what I'm saying?

- Well, I just know there's gonna be a lot

of broken hearts when a couple of hot bachelors

like you go off the market.

- Uh...

did you just call us hot bachelors?

- Yes, sir, I did, and you are, but not for long.

How does getting married sound?

- Whoa, uh, you want to marry us?

- Yes, I do, if you're ready.

- Uh, excuse me, ma'am.

I need to talk to Beavis for a second.

- Um, what's going on?

- Don't you see what's happening here, Beavis?

She wants a three-way with us.

- Whoa, really? - Yeah.

But she's, like, old-fashioned,

so we have to get married to her first.

- Is that legal for her to have, like, two husbands?

- Who cares, Beavis?

By the time they arrest us, we'll have already scored.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I'd go to jail for that, yeah.

[chuckles] Bo-oi-oi-oing.

We're ready to get married.

- This is the happiest day of my life.

- Hello, and welcome to my apartment.

- "Hello, well, thank you for letting me in!

Ah, ah, ah!"

- [chuckling]

"Oh, you want me to take my shoes off?

Ooh!"

- "Where do you keep the beer? Hm, hah!"

- "This is so fun, oh."

- "Oh, sorry I'm late. I was held up in traffic, ah!"

- Two roommates in Lower Manhattan,

here in beautiful New York City.

And I've lived here for now a year and a half.

- You know what? [chuckles]

I think our apartment's cooler than this.

- Yeah, I bet their previous owner didn't k*ll himself in it

like ours did.

- Sliver of window, so it's kind of like a cave in here.

We have a storage closet.

- She says everything like it's a question.

"This is my apartment? And it sucks?

And this tour sucks too?"

- The process of doing a baby makeover.

- "It does suck, but I'm gonna keep talking about it anyway?"

[chuckles]

- We should, like, do a tour of our apartment.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, that's a good idea.

- "Now, this is a couch,

and over there are some pizza boxes?"

- "And over on the door, these are eviction notices?"

- "We got them from our landlord?

He sucks?"

- "Here's a conversation piece,

a half-eaten bag of potato chips?"

- "On the floor are some beer bottles?"

- "You can tell we really love beer?"

- "And over here is a rat in a glue trap?"

- "And right behind that is a turd?"

- "The turd is from the rat

"before he d*ed slowly?

"And over there, that's Beavis? He's a dumbass?

I found him when I was banging his mom?"

- Shut up, Butt-Head!

- "And if you look above my head,

"there's a picture of some guy fishing?

That's Beavis' uncle?"

- No, it isn't.

It looks kind of like him,

but I stole it from a Long John Silver's.

- Uh, why?

- Because the French fries were too hot,

and it pissed me off.

And they still wouldn't give me my money back

because I ate 'em all,

so I just, like, took that picture instead.

- Uh, I hate it.

- Yeah, I hate it too, yeah.

- "Anyway, back to the tour?

Sometimes, you can hear voices through this wall?"

- "Sometimes, the voices tell me to cleanse the city?"

- Those voices aren't through the wall, Beavis.

Those are, like, inside your head already.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, sorry.

"That's not part of the apartment tour?"

- All right, I hope you enjoyed

my little apartment tour here in New York.

- She's like, "Well, goodbye. Thanks for coming over, ooh!"

- "Yeah, yeah, now get out of my apartment please!"

[chortles]

- By the power vested in me by the great state of Texas,

I now pronounce you husband and husband.

- Bo-oi-oi-oing.

- Ooh, that's the spirit. [laughs]

- Well, I guess we're all married now.

Wanna, like, come back to our apartment to celebrate?

- [chuckles]

- Oh, that's awfully sweet, boys,

but I still have to work.

- Okay. We'll just see you later then.

- Okay, sounds good, see ya.

- We're gonna score. - Yeah, yeah.

[both chuckling]

- You know, I always thought being married

was gonna be weird, but it's not bad.

[chuckles]

- You know, Beavis, we should have gotten married years ago.

- Wait, you guys are married?

- Yep, it just happened, like, all of a sudden.

- Yeah, we were down at the courthouse,

you know, and one thing led to another.

- Oh.

I think I misjudged you guys.

Creeps!

Pervert! - Ah!

- Losers! - Ah!

- I am so sorry.

Congratulations!

Is there some way I can make it up to you?

You guys have a seat. This one's on me.

- We're gonna be doing it later today.

- Yeah, yeah, that's right. - Good for you.

- Doing the deed.

Yeah.

This is cool. She's being really nice to us.

- Yeah, it's like they say,

being married is a chick magnet.

In fact, she might want to even get in our three-way.

- Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, maybe she'll marry us too.

And then we can have, like, a, uh, five-way!

Yeah. [both chuckle]

- That would be cool. - Yeah, yeah.

I get dibs on the neighbor chick first.

- No way, butthole.

I get to choose. It was my idea.

- See, you're always like this!

You always have to get your way!

- Dammit, Beavis, don't embarrass me

at the Burger World.

- I didn't get married so you could just order me around!

I got married so the two of us could have a three-way

with the lady from the county!

- And so did I.

But that seems like a long time ago now.

- I've had enough of your crap, butthole!

- We never should have gotten married in the first place,

dumbass.

- What happened to Beavis?

- Forget about him, baby. Let's talk about me and you.

We can go back to your place

and make beautiful l--

- You creep!

- She left her food. [chuckles]

- Where's that chick who married us?

- Yeah, she never showed up at our place,

and we need to get back on the market,

so we need one of those divorce things.

- Oh, you mean Janice?

She's having lunch with her husband.

- Husband?

How many guys is she married to?

- Uh, I guess we were gonna have a seven-way or something.

- Anyway, we don't do divorces here.

You're gonna need a lawyer, and there's a $ filing fee.

- bucks?

I'd rather spend that money getting the car back.

- Uh, that's a good idea.

And we can just, like, pretend we never got married.

- Yeah, cool. [chuckles]

What happened to the seat?

- It's an impound lot. Stuff happens.

If you don't want the car-- - No, no, it's fine.

Ugh, this is hurting my butt.

I'm gonna have to sit up there next to you.

Come on, scoot over, Butt-Head.

- You scoot over.

You're sitting too close.

Dammit, Beavis, cut it out.

- There we go. That's better.

- Feels good to have things back to normal again.

- Can you hear me?

Hey!

[cans rattling]

- Hey, Butt-Head, look.

Look at those hot chicks.

- Aww, look at those two old guys who just got married.

- Oh, look how much they love each other.

- You see that, Beavis?

They can tell we're back on the market.

- Yeah, turn around, Butt-Head.

- It's too soon to get tied down again, Beavis.

We're good just the way we are.

[rock music]

♪ ♪

- Chirp.