[both chuckling]
[bluesy rock music]
♪ ♪
- These garbage bags are wet.
[chuckles]
- I'm gonna slide first, Butt-Head.
Me first, yeah. This is going to be cool.
- Uh, okay.
- Okay. Here we go. Heh heh.
Wait a minute. Hang on.
I better back up so I can get a running start.
I'm gonna back up some more so I can go really fast.
- Hurry up, dumbass.
We don't have all day.
Heh heh heh. - Okay.
Okay, here goes.
- Go, butt-monkey, go.
- [panting]
[thuds, yells]
- [snickering] That kicked ass!
Uh...get up.
It's my turn, dumbass.
Uh, are you, like, dead or something?
Uh, oh, well.
I guess I'll never know. [chuckles]
[door opens, shuts]
[door opens]
- [grunting]
- Oh, no.
Ow.
[groaning]
- Whoa.
- Ow, ow!
- That's, like, the worst sunburn I ever saw.
- I know. Heh.
It, like, hurts and stuff.
- I'm sorry, Beavis.
That must be very painful.
[chuckles]
- [screams] Come on.
Don't touch my sunburn, please.
- Uh, okay.
[whack] - Aah!
I didn't touch it. I slapped it.
- Damn it, Butt-Head. Cut it out!
[giggling] - Uh, all right.
[making buzzing sound]
Oh, no. It's a mosquito.
- Oh, no. Where is it?
- [buzzing, snickering]
It landed on you, Beavis.
- Oh, really?
Would you, like, slap it or something?
Because I don't want it to bite me on my sunburn--
uh, wait, no!
Aaaaah!
- Got it.
[chuckling]
- Butt-Head, I'm only gonna tell you this once.
I know I've said I'm gonna k*ll you before,
and then I didn't k*ll you.
But if you ever do that again, so help me God,
I am going to, for real, seriously, going to k*ll--
[whack] Aaaaaah!
No!
Aaaaah!
- [snickers] Dumbass.
Well, see you later, Beavis.
[whack] - Aaaaaaaaaah!
Good luck with the sunburn.
- [grunting, panting]
- I warned him, and he did not listen.
So now Butt-Head is going to die.
[ominous music]
[uneasy music]
- How am I going to k*ll Butt-Head?
- [chuckling]
- Let's see.
I don't think I've ever done any murders before,
so I'm gonna have to hire a hitman.
Yeah. Let's see.
What's a hitman look like?
Probably looks like that guy in "Goodfellas," yeah.
I don't remember that movie that well,
but I think that guy lived on that street,
and he had, like, a tie all the time.
Um... yeah, yeah, like this guy.
[door bell jingles]
Hey, how's it going? Hee hee hee.
- Uh, hello.
- I'm looking for someone to do a little job for me,
if you know what I'm saying.
I stole this picture from Butt-Head's uncle's house,
so don't tell anyone. [giggling]
- Do I know you?
- My name isn't important.
Now, let me ask you, can you do this job or not?
[snickering]
- If you've got a job needs doing,
why don't you go to the Home Warehouse?
Plenty of people there looking for a job.
- Yeah, that kicks ass. Yeah.
[ominous music]
Yeah, that's going to be cool. Hee hee hee.
[chuckles]
Okay, this looks like the place.
Hee hee hee hee.
I was told someone in here could do a job for me.
- Maybe. What kinda job we talking about?
- Here's a picture.
It's from Butt-Head's uncle's house.
- Oh, yeah. This really needs it.
- Yeah, yeah, I know.
He slapped my sunburn and stuff.
- Wow. Now, no offense,
but you should have taken care of this years ago.
- Yeah, really! Yeah, no kidding.
[snickers]
- You know how many square feet we're talking?
- I don't know. He's got, like, two, you know.
They're just, like, normal foot shape.
I don't know what you're-- - ,?
That's about right. Okay.
Yeah, I can be there at : a.m. tomorrow.
The whole thing'll take about four days.
- Yeah, good. Yeah.
I want it to be slow, yeah. Heh heh heh.
- Oh, almost forgot. What color?
- Uh, I don't know. I guess, um...
I guess white, or something?
- Let me text my guys.
- I'm not r*cist, I just want to k*ll my friend!
Jesus Christ.
- All right. So I'll see you tomorrow at
- Oh, I'll be there, yeah.
I want to watch the whole thing.
[chuckles]
Butt-Head is going to die. Hee hee heh heh.
- But here, we don't.
Welcome to Montero.
[Lil Nas X's, "Montero (Call Me by Your Name)"]
- Uh, I think this is supposed to be like
that garden in the Bible.
Where that chick Eve, or Eden, or whatever her name is
eats that fruit that she wasn't supposed to.
And then it, like, puts a curse on the Earth.
[snickering]
- Yeah, see, that's one of those stories
that has a moral, you know.
And the moral is fruit sucks.
Yeah. Hee hee. - Yeah.
And so do gardens.
[chuckles]
- ♪ I'm not fazed... ♪
- Uh, then remember that other part of the story
where, like, God takes the rib out of that dude
and makes a chick?
- You know, if I could do that, I would have no rib cage.
- Yeah, neither would I.
I'd just be a big blob of flesh
with a bunch of chicks around me and no bones.
Hee hee hee. Except I'd still have one bone.
[chuckling]
- You know, Lil Nas X could probably score
with any chick in this video that he wanted to, you know?
Heh heh. And he definitely wants to, yeah.
- He's all about the ladies. Heh heh heh.
Did you know the X in Lil Nas X
stands for extremely interested in chicks?
- ♪ What a time, an incline ♪
♪ God was shining on me... ♪ - Wait, who's that?
Is that Satan?
- No, it's Darth Maul. Heh heh.
Satan is like part of the Marvel universe.
- Oh, yeah, yeah. [giggling]
- Uh, remember that time that guy
wanted you to be a Satanist?
And then he said he'd take you to the Satanic Church,
but it was just a room over his mom's garage?
[chuckles]
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I thought there would be, like, naked chicks
and like blood and stuff.
But he just wanted to sit around
and talk about low taxes and--
and libertarianism or something, I don't know.
It's like, that's not evil.
It's just stupid.
- And it's also boring, Beavis.
And I don't wanna hear about it, either.
So shut up.
[chuckling]
- Oh, and-and remind me to tell you later
what he said about who controls the media.
You'd be surprised. It's not who you think.
[chuckling]
Oh, and, oh, you know what else?
Um, did you know that - was an inside job?
They don't want you to know that.
[giggling]
- They suck.
[chuckles]
[ominous music]
- [crunching]
- Look at him, being all alive and stuff.
But today, he will be m*rder*d.
[snickers]
- Get me more Count Chocula, butthole.
Hee hee hee.
- Um, Butt-Head, ha, whatever happens, just know that I'm--
I'm like, sorry, or something.
- You're gonna be sorry
if you don't get me some Count Chocula.
[chuckles]
- You know, it just--it had to be this way, you know.
You know what I'm saying? I...I had no choice.
[chuckling]
[vehicle approaching]
[tense music]
What have I done?
- [chuckling]
- It's kinda like messed up or something.
Heh heh heh.
- He said evacuate.
[chuckling]
- Damn it, I don't think I can do this.
Stop, stop! I-I changed my mind, yeah.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. What?
- Don't do it. It's not worth it.
- What are you talking about, man?
I came out here with my truck and my whole crew.
- Jesus Christ, what were you gonna do to him?
He's just one guy. - Hey, man.
If you're canceling, I still need my commencement check.
- How much is that? Like $., or something?
- No, ,!
Listen, you give me my commencement check now,
or I'm gonna kick your ass!
- Uh, what the hell's going on out here?
- I'm saving your life, Butt-Head.
Go back inside while you still can!
Hee hee.
- Uh, if you guys are gonna b*at up Beavis,
slap him on his sunburn.
He hates it. Heh heh.
- Uh, wait-wait a minute, what?
- And that's exactly what I'm gonna do.
- Hey, no, no. No!
Aaaaaah! [Butt-Head laughs]
No, no, no, wait, wait-- - Do it again.
- Aah! No!
Aah!
No! - [chuckling]
[ominous music]
[slapping and screaming continues]
[m*llitary marching band music]
- Hello. I'm Tom Anderson,
veteran of two foreign wars.
And believe you me, I've got some stories to tell.
But none of them are quite like what happened
one particular morning
during the Battle of Heartbreak Ridge.
[g*nf*re, explosions]
[men yelling]
See, what you got here is the wipers are all seized up.
If one wiper worked, I'd say maybe this loosened up on you.
You could just tighten this down.
But I'd wager we're dealing with a mechanical issue here.
- Sir, we have to get to the battle.
- You can win this w*r quick, or you can win this w*r right.
[boom]
Now, of course, I could get this off
if the last guy who fixed it hadn't stripped the threads.
[boom]
Oh, boy.
- Sir-- - Uh, now you get
miles down the road and it starts raining on you,
you're gonna be thanking me.
Bingo!
Now, inside the wiper motor
there's what I call a park switch.
Yep, totally sh*t.
And I ended up having to replace the whole wiper motor.
But that little tale will have to wait
for another one of Tom Anderson's w*r Stories.
[m*llitary marching band music]
[bluesy rock music]
♪ ♪
- And that's the reason why human beings
have teeth in their mouth and not in their buttholes.
- Oh, yeah? I never knew why that was.
Wow. Hee hee hee.
You're pretty smart, Butt-Head. Heh heh heh.
- Yeah. Ha ha.
[grunting]
- Uh, Butt-Head, the school is closed.
Ha. What's going on?
- Uh...hmm.
It must be like spring break or something.
[chuckles]
- Isn't spring break when everyone, like, parties
on the beach and stuff?
How come we never do that?
- Uh, I think you got to go to, like,
the Jersey Shore or something. [giggling]
- Where's the Jersey Shore?
- Uh, I think it's in Florida. Hee hee hee.
- Oh, yeah. Yeah, cool. Heh.
So like, um, how do you get to Florida?
- Uh...
I think most people go with their bros or something.
- Oh, cool, yeah. Hee hee.
Do we have bros?
- Uh...no. Ha ha.
I think we're, like, too cool or something.
[chuckles]
Whoa.
Beavis, I think I just thought of the coolest way
to get to Florida. - Oh, yeah. Yeah.
[both snickering]
- Okay, Beavis.
We're gonna mail ourselves to spring break.
Hee hee hee hee. This is gonna be cool.
- Spring break, here we come.
- Just gotta put a stamp on it.
[grunting]
[thump] - Aah!
Hurry up, I think I hear the mail truck.
[both chuckling]
- We're gonna party. [chuckling]
Spring break, here we come.
- I can't believe this actually worked.
And it only cost $..
Uh, are we almost to Florida, Butt-Head?
[truck beeping] - Uh...we better be,
or this mailman is a real butthole.
[both grunting, muttering]
- Uh...
Ahh... heh heh.
Uh, whoa.
Heh heh. Florida's even cooler than I thought.
- Yeah. Feels really good to be on the beach, you know?
[seagull crying]
Boy, the ocean really smells terrible, doesn't it?
- It's all the dumbass fish.
[snickers]
- Well, um, where are all the chicks, Butt-Head?
- Uh, I think they all sleep late,
because they're tired from scoring all night.
- Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, right.
- Well, when they wake up,
they're gonna wanna see a g*n show.
So let's get down to it.
- Here we go. Heh.
Come and get it. Yeah.
[snickering]
I'm just gonna lay down here and catch me some rays.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, this is the life. Ow!
Ah!
I got, like, a nail in my back. Ah! Ha.
- This place just gets cooler and cooler.
Ha ha. Now, let's go find some Jell-O sh*ts or something.
- Yeah, yeah.
[both chuckling]
[thunder rumbling]
- Yeah, spring break kicks ass. Yeah.
- Today we are visiting
the Reptile Discovery Center,
located in DeLand, Florida.
This location is also a Medtoxin Venom Laboratory.
Good morning, Carl. - Coyote, how you doing?
Welcome. - Good, how are you?
- Thank you for coming. - Mara.
- Hey, Coyote. Welcome.
- Oh, God. His name is Coyote?
- Coyote is, like, Native American
for "lives in his car."
[both chuckling]
- We have the capability to really pile it out...
- Oh, my gosh. - When they need to.
- We are returning these snakes
to their natural habitat,
a plastic box from the Container Store.
[chuckling]
- Yeah, no, no, the snakes really like it in there.
They do, yeah.
[chuckling]
Check it out, Butt-Head.
You know what I don't understand?
When they put the containers in the Container Store,
what do they put them in?
Because, um--because you know, really,
the Container Store itself is a container, you know?
Hee hee hee.
What's with these people, you know?
Heh heh heh heh.
- Uh, are you trying to be funny?
- Yeah. Yeah, I am. Heh heh heh.
I'm still working it out a little bit,
you know what I mean?
You can store things in the container,
and they sell it at the Container Store.
What's that about?
Heh heh heh. What about that, is that--
well, there's something there, you know 'cause...ha.
Because a store, you know, and the container--
let's see here.
Yeah. So the container was in the--
- Uh... - There's a...
- What are you writing? [snickering]
- Oh this?
Oh, it's just a picture of a schlong, see?
You know, it's like a note to myself, you know.
- I hope this snake bites you...hee hee...
so you'll die.
- Oh, yeah.
Wow, that is a big eastern diamondback!
I think I just went to the bathroom
in my pants a little bit. Holy--
- There's a bathroom in his pants?
[both chuckling]
- He went to the bathroom in his pants
more than a little bit. - Whoa!
Yeah, yeah. The whole top part of his pants is soaked.
[giggling]
- I'm just going to go like this, and--
- I guess it's good to have a bathroom in your pants
if you live in your car, you know.
Heh heh heh heh. Oh, wait a second.
Wait, I think I got something here. Heh.
Yeah, yeah, you know, there's a bathroom in my pants,
and I'm in the Container Store, so my--
no, that's not it.
Oh, oh, yeah.
My pants contain a bathroom.
It's a container of-- of pee, or something.
I-I'll work it out later on the road, you know.
But, um, heh, wanna...
yeah, but there's something here.
This is good, yeah. [giggling]
Gotta draw another schlong here so I won't forget.
[snickering]
[birds cawing]
Now, Butt-Head, how come there's still no chicks
here at spring break? Hee hee.
- They'll be here soon, Beavis.
And when they get here, they're gonna wanna chicken fight
with two hot dudes in the pool.
And then everyone falls in the water,
and one thing leads to another...
[chuckles]
- Oh, yeah. Ha.
Um, Butt-Head?
The water's, like, stinging my legs really bad.
- Uh, do you need another Jell-O sh*t?
- Uh, I don't think that was Jell-O, 'cause it was,
like, in an old milk carton.
And it was, like, gray.
- Uh, I think it was gray
'cause it had so much vodka in it.
- Then I guess I'll have another one.
But, um, but Butt-Head, um,
what if the chicks aren't coming?
What if they're at a different beach,
having a wet T-shirt contest or a foam party or something,
and we're missing it? [giggling]
- Damn it, that butthole mailman
took us to the wrong beach.
- Ugh. Oh, boy. - [snickering]
- Well, Jersey Shore has gotta be around here somewhere.
- Whoa, Butt-Head!
Let's take that car to Jersey Shore.
- Oh, yeah. Hee hee.
Arrive in style.
- In our new set of wheels, yeah.
- Uh, chicks, here we come.
[chuckling]
- Do you think it'll start?
- Who cares? Heh heh.
When the chicks see that we have our own car,
it won't even matter if it runs.
[rumbling]
- Whoa!
Whoa, here we go! It works.
And I think it's flying, too. Yeah.
- Beavis, we are on our way to party our asses off.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Spring break kicks ass. Yeah. Heh heh.
- Ladies, here we come.
[metal grinding]
[bluesy rock music]
♪ ♪
[chiming noises]
- Chirp.