10x08 - The Warrior/Vasectomies

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ MTV ♪

[chuckling]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

[chuckling, splatting]

- [grunts]

[both chuckling]

- [grunts]

- Ketchup kicks ass.

- You know, it just doesn't get any better than this,

Butt-Head. [chuckling]

- These are the times we will always look back on.

[squelches] - Hey!

- Uh--

- You do this?

- Well, Butt-Head didn't mean to, um--

he was, um--

Butt-Head?

- Kick his ass.

[chuckles]

- Uh-oh.

- You little punk-ass bitch!

You and I are throwing hands after school.

o'clock in parking lot B. See you there.

- That guy is cool.

Maybe him kicking your ass will be on Worldstar.

[chuckles]

- It's important that, whoever you're photographing,

to understand that posing is actually gonna bring out--

- So who is this guy? What's he doing?

[chuckling]

- Uh, well, he says he's a photographer,

but I don't see a camera. [chuckling]

- So you have a guy in front of you

and you think, where on Earth do I start?

- Yeah.

"Where on Earth do I start?

His whole body is a feast." [chuckling]

- "I mean, do I have sex with him?

"Do I m*rder him? "I mean--or how about both?

I mean, why choose, you know?" [chuckling]

- Now, body language will suggest that

he's feeling uncomfortable.

- "He's probably uncomfortable because he just

saw me lock all the doors."

[both chuckling]

- And actual posing, and getting people to mirror you,

is the easiest way for someone, uh, to understand posing--

- "For example, right now, I'm posing as a photographer."

[both chuckling]

- We've only met once before. We have--

- "Now, we've only met once before.

"It was at a bus station.

But I've met a lot of men like you."

- "Young, good looking, just ran away from home,

didn't tell anyone his whereabouts."

- "Just ripening into manhood."

- Now, here's the before and after.

By the way, this is Jacob. I call him a Disney prince.

- "See, Mom? He calls me his Disney prince.

He wouldn't do that if he was a pervert."

[both chuckling]

- So maybe just undo that.

- "Maybe undo that, maybe undo your belt

and drop your pants."

- "Again, I'm not doing anything.

You're doing this of your own free will."

- "You know what? Just for kicks,

"let's have you take off your clothes.

Yeah." - "Yeah, let's get all crazy."

[chuckling]

- "Oh, you know what would make a cool photo?

If you were tied up in my trunk."

- "You know, let's just try it.

"You know, if it doesn't work, it doesn't work.

But I think it's gonna work, yeah."

- Framing the boys right now.

We don't want to frame the boys.

- "Yeah, my next video is gonna be how to pose

"a dead body.

You start out by posing as a photographer, see."

- Uh, didn't you go to a photographer's house once

to take pictures?

- Yeah.

Yeah, he didn't have a camera, either.

- Uh, OK.

Where'd you meet him?

- It was just on the highway, you know.

I was just, you know, walking along,

and he pulled over.

[both chuckling]

- OK, Beavis.

- I helped him bury this, like, big roll of carpet

he had wrapped in a blanket, and, uh,

he said I deserved a reward, you know, so, um,

I went back to his place, you know.

Then it gets a little blurry from there.

[both chuckling]

But then when I left, he did ask me to forgive him.

I do remember that, yeah.

Yeah, good guy. Yeah.

- Uh, cool. [chuckling]

- Hope you enjoyed that. We'll see you soon.

- I'm scared, Butt-Head.

That guy's gonna kick my ass at o'clock.

- Yeah.

This is gonna be cool. [chuckling]

- Damn it, this sucks. [chuckling]

- Uh, why don't you just kick Steve's ass instead?

Kicking someone's ass is easy.

- Yeah, yeah. You do it to me all the time.

- I can, like, teach you everything

you need to know to be good at fighting before o'clock.

- Whoa, really?

Yeah, thanks, Butt-Head.

- But if I am to train you, I need your total commitment.

I need to know that you're willing to do

whatever it takes, no matter how difficult,

to kick this guy's ass.

Otherwise, I'm not going to waste my time.

[chuckles]

- Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm ready, yeah.

- All right, then.

I'll meet you in the gym after my second lunch.

[chuckling]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- Here I am, Butt-Head.

- Are you ready to do everything I say,

without question? - Yes, I am. Yes.

[chuckling] - Very well.

Then go to Maxi-Mart and buy me some nachos.

- Um, wait a minute. How's that gonna--

- Do not question me.

My methods are, like, unconventional.

- OK, OK.

♪ ♪

Butt-Head!

Butt-Head, I see why you made me do that.

Paying for the nachos is the exact same motion

I can use to block a punch,

a-and carrying them over here gave me the exercise I need--

- No, that's not it.

Better go buy me some more nachos

until you figure it out. [chuckling]

- [panting]

♪ ♪

Here you go.

Butt-Head, I still can't figure out why you're making me

buy all these nachos.

- Uh, that's OK.

I can't eat anymore.

OK. Let's see what you've learned.

Lesson one.

- Ah! Ow!

- You dumbass, you got to hold your hands up

to protect your face.

Come on. - Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, like I'm paying for nachos, yeah.

- Are your hands up high?

- Yep, they sure are, yeah.

- Good.

- [screams]

- You didn't learn anything.

[chuckling] - [groaning]

Damn it.

[grunts]

Steve's gonna kick my ass pretty soon.

Maybe I'll just go, like, hide until everyone leaves.

[chuckling]

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, let's find some place to hide here.

Here we go, yeah.

Whoa! [chuckling]

What have we here?

Cones.

[shoes squeaking]

Check it out, Butt-Head.

[snickers] There's no way Steve can kick my ass now.

He can hit me as much as he wants, and I won't feel it.

Come on, Butt-Head. Hit me anywhere.

[grunts, chuckles]

Damn it. Wait a second, wait a second.

Um, Butt-Head, my stick's stuck.

I can't fight without my stick.

- I think one of these buttons can, like,

lower the basketball hole or something.

[chuckling]

Uh--

[whirring]

That should do it.

- Wait a second.

Ah!

Help, Butt-Head!

- Let go of the stick, ass-munch.

- I'm too high up.

You got to lower it. [grunting]

Damn it. Ah!

Stop! Stop!

Ah! Help, Butt-Head!

- Dumbass.

- Ah! Stop!

- Stop! - Hold still, Beavis.

I got to get you down so you can get your ass kicked.

- Ow!

Ah!

- Good job, Beavis.

Time to get going.

Do you feel ready to fight that guy?

- Yeah. Yeah, I think so.

Yeah, I think I'm ready. [chuckling]

- That's right.

You're a different man than you were at lunch, Beavis.

- Yeah, that's true.

Thanks for believing in me, Butt-Head.

- I believe in you, Beavis.

I believe you're a wuss.

[chuckles]

- Is it time?

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- o'clock, Beavis.

It is time.

o'clock.

[chuckles]

♪ ♪

Um, where is everyone?

Where's Steve?

- Uh,

he must have chickened out.

He probably heard about how I trained you up,

and he got all scared.

- Yeah, yeah!

Yeah, that means I'm the champion, Butt-Head!

I'm the champion! Yeah!

I'm the--ah!

- You were the champion, dumbass.

- Damn it, Butt-Head. [both grunting]

- Ow!

♪ ♪

[chuckling]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

- [chuckling]

Community service sucks.

Public urination is, like, a dumb law.

- Yeah, really.

Plus, we mostly just peed on ourselves, you know?

So like--so like, where's the crime, you know?

[laughter] - Oh, no!

- Did you hear?

Diane is having another kid.

Can you imagine?

- No, thank you.

The three I have are enough.

both: Mm-hmm. - Yeah.

- Oh, I told Roger, if you ever want to have sex with me again,

you better get a vasectomy.

[laughter]

- Whoa, Beavis.

Did you hear that?

If we get vasectomies, we can score with those chicks.

- Whoa, that's cool.

But like, um, what's a vasectomy?

- It's an operation on your nads, dumbass.

- Oh, OK. Yeah.

Yeah, that sounds pretty good, yeah.

- Maybe that's why we never score.

What's in our nads is too powerful.

It scares the chicks away.

- Whoa!

You know, it's amazing our nads are so powerful,

because we've been hit in the nads so many times.

- That only made them stronger, Beavis.

We trained them up.

- We've got super-- [screams]

- And now your sperms are getting even stronger.

- Yeah, I can feel it.

It hurts a lot, yeah.

[chuckles]

- What's up, gentlemen?

So before we get started, I would just like

to give you an alpha M knuckle bump

for being so damn incredible.

No disputing the fact that you're incredible

and can accomplish great, amazing things.

But the only way you're gonna be able to truly--

- Uh... [both chuckling]

Uh...

- Commit yourself for the next days to the alpha M--

- You think this guy knows what he's talking about, Butt-Head?

- Uh, you can tell he's an expert

'cause he, like, talks into a camera,

and he's all loud, and he makes lists.

- Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, maybe he knows what he's talking about, yeah.

- Six things that you need to pay attention--

- Uh, I know six things

I'd like to pay attention to right about now.

- In my opinion, to truly reach alpha status,

you need to be spiritual.

Now, whatever that means to you, it means to you.

Whether or not you believe in Jesus, Krishna, Buddha,

it doesn't matter to me.

- Are those all the chicks he's scored with?

- Uh, yeah.

They all sound like strippers.

- Yeah. [chuckling]

I want to get a lap dance from Krishna.

Ooh. [chuckling]

- days, I want you to write down something

you are grateful for.

- How many years is days?

- Uh, I don't know.

But the landlord said to vacate in days.

And that was about two years ago, and we're still here.

- Yeah, days is a long time. [chuckling]

- Now if you're somebody who's already, like, exercising,

I'd like to give you a knuckle bump.

- Oh, yeah. Gotta exercise.

Time for my -ounce curls.

[slurps]

[sighs] Feel the burn.

- Butt-Head, spot me.

[slurps] Mmm, yeah.

Never skip arms day, you know what I'm saying?

- The sixth pillar of the alpha -day plan--

- What's alpha again?

Is it like, something with the alphabet or something?

[chuckles]

- Uh, no.

Alpha is like the gorilla that gets to score

with all the other gorillas.

- Whoa.

So he scores with a lot of gorillas?

- Uh, I guess so.

- He just like, goes down to the zoo

and just like, does them all?

- Uh, yeah.

He's an alpha. [chuckles]

And then the other gorillas try to stop him,

but he just beats them up.

- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, he spanks his monkey, see?

[both chuckling]

- Gorillas aren't monkeys, Beavis.

They're apes.

So that joke doesn't work.

Try to be more careful next time.

- Oh, well.

- If this means that you've got to make up with some people,

or deal with some things that you've been, like,

harboring and hanging on to, gentlemen, it is worth it.

- Uh, Beavis, there's something I've been meaning

to get off my chest for a long time.

And I just didn't have the courage to say it,

but here goes.

Beavis, you're the biggest dumbass in the world.

[chuckling]

Ah.

Felt good to get that out.

- Yeah, OK.

Yeah, up yours. [both chuckling]

Yeah, I'm glad we connected.

[slurps] Ah.

- Me too.

Now let's have another beer

and watch this guy bone a gorilla.

- Say it, sister. Yeah! [chuckling]

[slurping]

Amen.

- Ever reach alpha status.

- So you're interested in getting vasectomies?

- Well, obviously. [chuckling]

- Yeah, I mean, you know, we want to score, you know.

- Well, let me walk you through the procedure.

Your body generates sperm--

[both chuckling]

- Right here in the testicles--

[both chuckling]

- Which are located here in the scrotum.

- Yeah. [both chuckling]

- It then travels through the vas deferens--

- Uh... - Huh?

- On its way to the penis.

[both chuckling]

And then through the urethra.

- Uh... - Huh?

- That's in the course of a normal ejaculation.

- [chuckling]

- Um...

- That's like... [whispering]

- Oh!

[both chuckling]

Ejaculation.

- The procedure is simply to cut and seal the vas deferens

right here, and then you should be able

to return to your current level of sexual activity.

- Yeah.

Or more. [chuckles]

- If you'd like, we can schedule

your procedures for Monday.

Any questions?

- Yeah, yeah, um,

do you have one of those, but it's like, a chick?

You know what I'm saying?

- I do, actually.

- Whoa!

Now this guy is cool. [chuckles]

- Uh, we're here for our vasectomies.

- Yeah, our appointment was, like,

an hour ago or something.

- OK.

- So how long is this gonna take?

I want to score this afternoon. [chuckles]

These p*rn magazines suck.

They're just guys playing golf.

- Gentlemen, we're ready for you.

- It's a quick procedure.

You'll be able to go right back to your normal routine.

I just want to remind you to wait a week

before you ej*cul*te.

- No, that's fine. Yeah.

All we're gonna do this week anyway is score.

- All right.

Go ahead and lie down, and in a few minutes,

you'll no longer have to worry about fathering children.

[echoing] Fathering children,

fathering children, fathering children.

[dreamy music]

- Father, Father.

- Yes, Butt-Head Junior and Butt-Head Threenior?

- Uh, Father, tell us about all the times you scored.

- Of course, children.

[knocking]

But what's this? [chuckles]

- Mr. Head, I'm here to hand-deliver

Butt-Head Fournior's report card.

Mm. - [chuckling]

Parenthood is cool.

♪ ♪

[chuckling]

- [snickering] You're cool, Dad.

- Oh, yeah.

I guess I am. [chuckling]

- And you can play with our LEGOs.

[snickering]

- Whoa, cool! Yeah, LEGOs.

[knocking]

But what's this? [chuckles]

Hey, look, kids! It's the Butt-Heads.

- We're here to kick your ass.

- Oh, cool. [chuckles]

So glad we could get the families together, you know?

- Get him, son. [all grunting]

- Hey, can I get anybody anything?

I've got some Dr. Peppers in the fridge--ah!

♪ ♪

Um, you know, um,

being dads might actually be pretty cool, Butt-Head.

[chuckles] - Yeah.

My kids would kick ass. [chuckling]

- Are you ready?

- Uh... - Um...

- All righty, I've applied

the local anesthetic to your scrotums.

The procedure will be over before you know it.

- So, um, kids are kind of cool, aren't they, Butt-Head?

- Uh, yeah.

If they're raised right, like we were.

[chuckles]

[metallic zing]

- Hey, stop! - Whoa!

Stay away from our super nads!

- Yeah, the world needs more Butt-Heads, or something.

[tools clattering]

[both grunting]

- Yeah, I'm gonna have kids someday, Butt-Head.

Even if I have to never score to do it.

- Uh...

my nads are numb.

- Yeah, mine too. Ugh.

- Uh...

[grunts]

- Wait a minute, did you just kick me in the nads?

- Yeah. [chuckles]

- I didn't even feel anything.

[grunts]

- Whoa, I didn't feel anything either.

Do it again.

- [grunts]

- This is cool.

- Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's amazing.

- Kick me harder this time.

- [grunts] - Whoa.

- Now do me again, yeah. As hard as you can, yeah.

- [grunts] - Wow!

I could do this all day, yeah.

[grunts] - It almost feels good.

[grunts] - Ooh, yeah, yeah.

That was right with the toe, yeah.

- Feels kind of warm. [grunts]

- You know, people say numb nuts

like it's a bad thing, but--

but this kicks ass.

- Let's go find a baseball bat. [chuckles]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

[chiming noises]

- Chirp.