10x09 - Stolen Valor/Breeding Frenzy

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ MTV ♪

[both chuckling]

[bluesy rock music]

♪ ♪

- Butt-Head, it's my turn to ride the scooter.

- We don't take turns, Beavis. We're not girls.

- Oh, yeah, I forgot. Taking turns sucks.

- Check it out, Beavis.

Those dudes have beers.

Let's go party with them.

- I don't know, Butt-Head.

I think you have to be, like, an American or something

to go in there.

- Uh, don't worry, dumbass. We can blend in.

- Hold on there, boys.

This here's the Legion Hall,

and we're having a special get-together for Flag Day.

Service members only.

- Uh, we're members.

- Yeah, yeah, we're from America.

- Well, I'm glad to hear it, but I'm talking about people

who laid it all on the line for this great country.

Were you in the service? - Uh, yeah.

We did, like, service.

- Thank you, drive through.

Would you like the combo for a dollar more?

- You boys wore the uniform?

- Yeah, we had to wear a uniform.

There was a hat and everything.

- It was, like, a long time ago,

but I remember that the training sucked,

and it was always hot,

and you never knew when a bunch of guys

would be all on your ass.

- Yeah, there was one time when the shake machine--

- Enough said, boys.

Save the w*r stories for your fellow servicemen.

Come on in, and enjoy the company.

- Kickass. - Oh, yeah.

[both chuckling]

- Well, I tell you, there's no better way

to celebrate Flag Day than with a couple of cold ones.

- Give me another beer.

- Yeah, more of these nuts too.

- Say, have y'all met Belvis and Bunhowzen here?

They served in--I guess it'd be the Desert Storm?

- Yeah, like I was saying, there's that one time

the shake machine--

- Did Gilmore tell you the story

about how he captured that there flag in Vietnam?

- Uh, no.

- Well, we were hoofing it through that godforsaken jungle

when, all of a sudden, the commies opened fire.

- Fire, fire, fire!

- You're still feeling it, ain't ya?

- Yeah, he feels it all the time.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, boing!

- I got a buddy who was in Desert Storm.

What battalion were you in?

- Uh... - What?

- I said, what battalion were you in?

- What's your battalion number, boys?

- Uh...

.

[both chuckle]

- Yeah, that's it.

- The Fighting th.

Oh, you guys are the real deal.

- Must have seen a lot of action.

- Yeah, we like action.

- Well, when you're in the ,

you're gonna get plenty of action when it's going down.

[both laughing]

- Oh, boy, yeah.

- They could lick anybody.

- I heard in Iraq, the saw action

from both sides at once.

- Yeah, that's why they call it that.

Here, I'll draw you a picture.

Butt-Head explained it to me once.

See, the bottom of the six is the butt.

And then the nine is, like, the nads or something.

I don't know.

[both chuckling]

- You can fool those old men in there,

but you can't fool me.

You were never in the th.

You guys are lying.

- Uh, okay.

- And I know why.

You're CIA.

- Uh, what's that?

- The C who?

- I get it.

You're still keeping your cover, even now.

Cool, come on, drinks on me.

If anybody's earned it, it's you two.

- Whoa, serving rocks.

[both chuckling]

- So what'd you guys do, covert ops,

m*llitary intelligence?

- Uh, probably intelligence.

It's, like, one of our specialties.

- Yeah, there was this one time when the shake machine--

- Belvis, Bunhowzen,

I think I speak for everyone when I say,

it'd be a real honor to have you be part

of our Flag Day ceremony

and raise Old Glory up on the pole out there.

- Raise. [both chuckle]

- Pole.

- Well, thank you.

This beauty dates back to the Spanish-American w*r.

She's a bona fide piece of American history.

We'll wait outside, give y'all some time

to get ready and whatnot.

- Let's do it, boys. - Yes, sir.

- History sucks.

[both chuckle] - Yeah, really.

- Oh, I'm looking forward to watching this video.

Fiat presents Ava Max, "Torn."

[both chuckling] - Okay.

- ♪ Li-li-light away ♪

♪ But, but then you give me fireworks ♪

- How come they keep showing this car?

- Well, Beavis, that's because it's the Fiat X,

the best mid-sized Sedan on the market today.

♪ ♪

- Really?

- That's right, Beavis.

- I guess it looks pretty cool, you know,

but it seems like a car like that,

like, a four-door, wouldn't have a whole lot

of pickup, you know, at the lights.

- That's where you're wrong, Beavis, stupid and wrong.

The Fiat's . liter multi-air turbo engine

comes standard and is equipped

with fuel saving engine stop-start technology,

offering horsepower to dominate the road ahead.

- Wow, really? That sounds amazing!

But it is a little hard to believe, you know?

- Well, the Fiat X will make a believer out of you, dumbass.

And you know what's even more shocking, Beavis?

You won't have sticker shock.

- I don't know what that is,

so I probably won't have it anyway.

- Damn it, Beavis.

Sticker shock means, like, it's super expensive.

And the Fiat X is very affordable.

♪ ♪

- But it's probably, like, made in some foreign country,

like over in Europe or something.

- Most of the parts are made right here

in the good old USA,

providing jobs to people like you and me.

- What, like you and me? We don't even have jobs.

- No, we don't, and we never will.

But if we did, we'd be working on the Fiat X,

which "Car and Driver" recently called

"the ultimate thrill ride."

Could you see yourself driving this car, Beavis?

- What does this car have to offer someone like me,

who had his license suspended?

- Uh, it offers you nothing.

Fiat doesn't want you.

The Fiat is for winners only.

Do you see yourself with a bus pass,

while I bang your mom in the back seat

of the Fiat X, with its roomy interior.

Again, just like your mom.

[both chuckling]

- Shut up, Butt-Head.

- Uh, hey, Beavis.

Look outside and check and see

if there's a free Fiat out there.

♪ ♪

- Why would Fiat give you a free car?

- Just go look.

See if you see a Fiat X.

- I don't see anything, Butt-Head.

- Uh, are you sure?

- Yep, no cars out here at all.

- Damn it, never mind.

Fiats suck.

♪ ♪

It's a tiny crap wagon.

♪ ♪

- You'd never fit in one anyway, Butt-Head,

'cause you're too fat.

- [chuckles] Yeah.

- Dang it, where are those two boys?

- They probably wanted their speech to be just so.

Ah, they're fightin' men, not talking men.

- Huh, well, that's mighty nice of 'em.

[both chuckle]

- Hey, Butt-Head, wasn't there, like,

something we were gonna do or something?

- Uh, oh, yeah.

I think we were gonna, like, hang a flag

on a pole thing or something.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, where'd the flag go?

- Uh...

it's gotta be around here somewhere.

- Oh, there it is. - Oh, yeah, that's it.

- Old Glory.

♪ Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun, dun-dun-dun-dun ♪

- Oh, here they come.

[rousing bugle playing]

- You know, I like this bar, Butt-Head.

People are really nice here, you know?

- Yeah, they're, like, all American and stuff.

- Yep.

- God damn it. - What the hell?

- Dear God. - You gotta be kidding me.

- Did they just fly the Vietcong flag

over the American Legion Hall?

- Can you, like, get us some more beer now?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, considering we just put

your flag up for free.

- Stolen valor! - God dang it!

- I'll kick your ass.

- This one's for Ho Chi Minh,

you son of a bitchin' bastard.

- Hey, Butt-Head.

Since we're on this flagpole now,

I guess that means, like, we're Americans.

- Uh...

I guess we are.

[both chuckling]

- I guess you had to be in the Army to join that place.

- Probably.

[bluesy rock music]

♪ ♪

- Um, I don't think it's gonna happen, Butt-Head.

- Just be patient, Beavis.

It'll happen.

- Come on, Butt-Head. We've been waiting too long.

Let's go--whoa! Whoa, it's happening.

It's really happening.

- I told you so, Beavis.

- That teddy bear's taking a dump.

- Worth the wait.

- Plop.

- Hey.

Is that your dog?

- Uh, no.

- That was a dog?

- Typical, these rich jerks pay $, for a designer dog.

Then they don't pick up after it.

- Whoa, $,?

- Yeah, they crossbreed two types of dogs.

Then they sell the puppies for thousands

while regular dogs rot in the pound.

- Beavis, did you hear that?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, he said "pound."

- No, dumbass, that guy said if we can get a dog

to score with another dog,

people will give us money for the dog babies.

- Whoa, really? That's cool.

- Beavis, we must begin breeding.

Breeding means score. [both chuckle]

I saw a dog around here yesterday.

- Was it in a tree or something?

- Whoa, there it is.

- I thought that was, like, a bear or something.

- Well, it's a dog now.

As long as it's got four legs and a schlong,

it's gonna score until we get $,.

- Lucky bastard.

- Get him, Beavis.

- Hey there, doggie.

Good boy or something.

Who's a good--ow!

Ahh, bad dog! Damn it!

Son of a bitch, ahh! Butt-Head, help me!

Ahh, Butt-Head, help!

- Damn it, Beavis, don't hurt its schlong.

- I'll kick your ass! - He needs it to score.

- Damn it, ahh!

- We got him where we want him, Beavis.

Now get in there.

- I don't know, Butt-Head.

He's kind of, like, mad or something.

- He's not mad.

He just wants us to take him to the park,

so he can, like, get busy.

- Really? 'Cause he seems kind of mad.

Let me see.

Ow, ahh!

- Okay, Beavis, get in there and gain his trust.

- Butthole, ahh!

- You better not be hurting its schlong in there.

- Ahh, ahh!

- We're gonna be millionaires.

- Damn it, Beavis, keep him under control.

He's gonna scare off all the hot dog chicks.

- Quiet down, boy. You know what I'm saying?

Good boy.

- Uh, hello lady dogs.

- How do we make our dog, like, want to score?

- Our dog is cool, Beavis.

It wants to score all the time like a normal person.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, me too.

We taught him well.

- We need to find, like, the perfect chick dog,

and then, like, let nature take its course.

- So which dog should our dog score with?

- Uh, too dirty.

- Looks like it's made out of nut sack.

- Uh, that one will, like, scare his boner off.

- Aw, that one seems nice.

She's got a nice face, you know.

- We want him to score with it, not marry it.

- That one's got nice hair.

- Uh, I think she's, like, taken or something.

[both chuckling]

- Whoa. - Ooh, yeah.

That's what I'm talking about.

- That dog is hot.

- It's like boi-oi-oi-oing!

- Come to Butt-Head's dog.

Well, polish up your dog schlong

because you're about to score.

- Hey, best pal-y. I'm Ali.

And you may remember me from such things

as covering my car in blue AstroTurf.

Well, as I've been driving my fake grass around,

I couldn't help but think, fake is good,

but living is more outrageous.

Can I turn my car into a giant Chia Pet.

- Uh, oh, boy.

- Wow.

You think this girl ever, like, gets tired of herself?

- No, 'cause I think other people being tired of her

gives her energy.

- She, like, feeds off of it.

- This is a car-pet, but I want to cultivate

a lush, growing car-den.

- She's trying to, like, be entertaining

with every single word she says.

- She just never talks in a normal voice or a normal way.

- It's like this entire video is one long sentence.

- Yeah, life sentence, I tell ya.

- I bet she's, like, really difficult to watch.

- Yeah, yeah, uh, we are watching her, Butt-Head.

- And it is difficult. I was right.

- And, of course, into vans that you rent

and drive Lyft around.

- She's quirky.

- I'm glad I'm not quirky.

- Me too.

- I have no quirks, and I'm happy about it.

I mean, I still sniff glue sometimes,

but that's not really a quirk, you know.

It's more like, you know, an addiction.

- Still been too busy coming up with dumb ideas

and then executing them.

- I don't know how she lives with herself, really.

- Uh, yeah, I think, in between every sh*t,

she sleeps for like hours.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

- I got pounds of chia, and I thought,

that might be too much, so I made it pounds

just to be sure it's too much.

- Like, your mouth works, ma'am.

You can stop testing it.

- One thing I'll say about this is,

it makes me glad that I never do projects.

- Accomplishment sucks.

[chuckles]

- Focus on the car.

- I'm covering this car with my need for attention.

[chuckling]

- Is there a way to, like, turn down her personality?

Like on the TV, you know?

- Uh, maybe in, like, advanced settings

under, like, motion blur.

- It's gonna take three weeks to get my ID,

so subscribe and stay tuned because I'm sure

I'll show you how stupid I look in the final picture

in a future video.

- What an assh*le.

[chuckling]

- [laughing]

Wow, I've never heard you say that, Butt-Head.

- I've never needed to say it before.

And this time, it needed to be said.

[upbeat music]

You know, when they say, like, the internet is bad,

like, bad for mankind,

they mean this.

- You might get diar-chia.

- Ooh, yeah, yeah.

That dog's got it in all the right places.

Yeah.

- Uh, dog?

We have found your dog chick.

And now you must score.

[both chuckle]

- You know, I wish a dog would make me score.

- That would be cool, but then, like,

the dog would get all the money.

- So what? I still scored.

Everything's not always about money, Butt-Head.

If your job is scoring,

you'll never work a day in your life.

There she is, boy.

Now remember everything we told you.

- This is where it all pays off.

- Go!

- Uh...

where'd he go?

[raccoon chittering]

- Whoa, he's scoring.

- Yeah, yeah, look at him go.

[dog yelping]

Butt-Head, are they supposed to be biting

and scratching so much?

It doesn't look that fun.

- Well, some people don't enjoy scoring, Beavis.

Maybe it's just not your thing.

- No, no, no, I mean, it looks cool.

I just--you know.

- No, no, it's okay, Beavis.

Maybe you're just not old enough.

Don't let anyone pressure you into something

you're not ready for.

- Shut up, Butt-Head! Shut up.

I'm really into it. Yeah, get it.

- Get off of him!

[dog yelping]

- Come on, Rufus. You poor boy.

I'm taking you right to the vet!

- Hey, you've got, like, half our dog babies in there.

- Yeah, our dog scored.

And that's where dog babies come from or something.

Hey.

Did I hear him say that his dog was, like, a boy?

- Uh, oh, yeah. I think he did.

- Then who's gonna have the puppies?

- That dumbass took the wrong dog.

[chuckles]

[raccoon shrieks]

[glass shattering]

- It's dark.

[heavy rock music]

[bluesy rock music]

♪ ♪

[chiming noises]

- Chirp.