01x11 - Tyrdra

[bunniefuu]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- Attention whatever's
in there.

This cave is now within
the boundaries of civilization

And is no longer available
to monsters.

Please emerge from the darkness

With hooves, claws,
or tentacles visible.

[ominous music]

[groans] oh, great. A hydra.

Look, I know all about

The whole regrowing heads
thing,

So just tell me where
your heart's located,

Or I gotta go in
through the butt,

And then we both lose.

- Don't worry about me.
I'll just go.

- Wait, what?
What's the problem?

You pregnant or wounded?

- I just don't wanna fight.
- You sure?

I never say this
to an opponent,

But you should know
you've got a decent sh*t here.

- Nah, I get it.

People don't want
a monster outside their city.

I'll just head south.
- There's more cities that way.

- Oh, east then?

There's cities everywhere,
aren't there?

- It's just a thing
we've been doing.

- Yeah, okay, I totally get it.

Thanks for being
so professional.

- Hey, you too.

And I really mean it.

I bet you could've k*lled me.

Huh, first time for everything.

Pretty cool hydra.

Hey, hydra,
I never got your name.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
what the hell are you doing?

[grunts]

[both groan]
- [coughs]

- I promise, this wasn't a cry
for help.

I really thought you left.

- I totally offered
to k*ll you,

And you turned me down.

What are you thinking?

This is not a thing we do.

- We?
- Look, we're both old-school.

I don't love the way
things are heading either,

But this is not--
this is cheating.

It's cowardly.
It's not...Awesome.

- I don't want to be awesome.

I just wanna stop being hated.
[weeps]

- All right. Well, don't cry.

That's also weak.

- Did you stop me
from k*lling myself

Just to make me feel worse?

- No, but can you
cut me some slack?

It's my first time
causing someone's life.

[upbeat mythical music]

♪ ♪

- Remember that hydra
we were all so scared about?

I just talked to my sister,
and it's gone.

What do you think about that?

- Can we do something
about the river now?

It smells.
- Sure.

But I meant what do you think
about the hydra thing?

- Isn't it gone?
- Yes.

Your king took care of it.

- So how about
that stinky river?

- What can you do about
the slivers in my furniture?

- Talk to a carpenter.
- How soon can you do that?

- How do I parent?
- How do you parent?

Why is that up to me?

- Because before cities,

Most kids d*ed smaller.

Now they're getting
big enough to hit back.

- You guys, don't you want
to live in a world

Where each human has
the freedom and the power

To manage their own life?

[crowd agreeing]

- He's right about that.
- Okay, then.

- So how do we do that?

- How do I get some gratitude?

I did a thing!

You wanted the hydra gone.

It's gone!
Now say I'm a good king.

Nobody can say it?

I see a hand raised. Go.

- I just don't think
a good king

Is gonna be this motivated
by validation.

- Great city meeting, guys.

I hope your kids b*at
the crap out of you.

What if we all just quit?

- Well, I'm in.
What are we quitting?

- Civilization.
- We can't quit now.

We have to modernize society

Until women stop selecting
for physical prowess.

Ty, we talked about this.
- [quietly] privately.

- Shall I flood the city?

No, the river's too stinky.

Oh, bees!

I've always wanted
to try bees.

Beeees!
- Mom, stop.

I'm not actually quitting.

I'm just feeling unappreciated.

- Well, let me just
do a couple of bees.

Just a couple of beeees.

- Stupendous,
are you all right?

You're shoving food shamefully
into your pockets

Instead of shamelessly down
your throat.

- So we're noticing stuff now,
beard braids.

- There's no need to get nasty

And no hope
of belittling the beard braids.

They're iconic.
- Look out, a couple of bees.

[bees buzzing]
- I did it.

- Get them out of here!

- Stop flailing,
and they'll leave you alone.

- Ow, ow, ow, this is
the worst day of my life.

- Oh, stop.
- You stop.

My face is gonna swell up
like a melon.

- You can reduce that
with vinegar and willow bark.

- Is that true? Oh, my god!

Hydra! k*ll it!
- What the?

- k*ll it!
- Calm down.

- You said that about the bee.

- I've got this.
- What do you mean?

- You have to cut off the head.
Both: No.

- That's what you don't do.
- That's not what you do.

- I am so sorry.

- We're both sorry.

- Ooh, hydras, right.
I know this.

You have to cut off
all the heads.

- No, this is camille.
They're my friend.

- Aww, you named me.

- You brought the hydra home?

The one thing
I actually accomplished,

And you didn't even do it
for me.

- Where is it?

- Downstairs.

- Whoa.

- How did you get this in here
without anyone knowing?

- I'm head of security.
- You seem bad at it.

- So you grow
two branching necks

Out of every severed neck.

Does that not get cumbersome?

- Well, after a while.

But you can prune
entire subtrees of neck

By cutting closer to the trunk.

- Oh,
that's really interesting.

- Are you going
to marry the hydra?

- No, but if you're not
seeing anybody--

- Enough. Get rid of her.

If this city finds out
the hydra is living here,

They will accomplish
the impossible

By becoming less grateful.

- Your dad needs olives.
- Stay out of this.

And what?
- Your parents are still

In the dining room with me,
and your dad wants to know

If you can bring up
a barrel of olives.

- There's olives in the pantry.

- Mm, there aren't.
But hold on.

I had your mom cut off
some more heads

So I can look around.

You've got olives
on the east balcony.

Your dad says thank you,
and just so you know,

You're low on wheat and rice.

- Well, that seems useful.

- Can we keep it, please?

Please, please, please,
please, please, please, please.

- I'm not cleaning up
her dumps.

- Yay!

- Hey, camille?
- Yes?

- Ask my sister
what kills a harpy.

- She says lava rock.

- Okay, send someone
for a bucket of that,

And cancel my lunch with dad.

- No problem.

- Can we reschedule?

- He says maybe later.

- This thing really
is quite useful.

- For some people.
- She certainly

Saves me a lot of work.

Watch. Is my son married yet?

- No.
- Could you remind him

That I didn't give birth
to him for the fun of it?

- Yes.
- How did I live without this?

- She says
she didn't give birth--

- Is it possible to ignore her
messages without her knowing?

- Absolutely.
How did I live without this?

[knock at door]
- someone's knocking

On the palace's front door.

- What?
Who comes here this early?

- I'll find out.
- Okay.

Wait, what?
No, camille, no!

- Hydra!

- They didn't say
who they were.

- I'm pretty sure
it was the town crier.

- Hydra! Hydra!

The hydra is living
in the palace!

- There's a terrified mob
forming in the town square,

And it's partly cloudy.

- Thank you.

- If everyone would
please calm down.

Not only is the hydra
nothing to fear,

You're going to like
what she offers the city.

I've prepared a demonstration
using two hydra heads.

- Hydra!

- Can we please get
a less alarmist town crier?

And can I also get a volunteer?

Davros, you're the town elder.

- Hey, leave me out of this!
I'm 40!

- Just go down there
by my brother.

Whisper any message for me into
that remote hydra head.

Thank you.

Take your time.

Davros, that's sarcasm.

Pick up the pace.

- [whispers indistinctly]

- [whispers indistinctly]
- what?

- [whispers indistinctly]
- oh, that's very clever.

[sighs] he said,
"a bad king says what?"

- I'll be damned. It works!

- This is a system
we could implement citywide.

Obviously, it will take
a great deal of planning

And coordination or--

- Chop, chop.

- Oh.
- Again!

Or we could just--
[swords shinging]

[crowd conversing quietly]

- I think I lost you.
Can you hear me?

- Is it on?
How do I know when it's on?

- Said I spend too much time
on my hydra, and I'm all like--

- I asked for three looms of--

- Can't you replace it?
- [cries]

- Thank you.
- Thanks. Better?

- Ty, I don't think
this is a good idea.

- I do.
What could be smarter

Than connecting every
stupid person to each other?

- I'm not worried about them.

I'm worried about camille.

- No, no, it's okay,
stupendous.

People don't hate me now.

I like being useful.

- You think you could
use camille for dating?

- Well, it hides
your voice, face, and body,

So it's the best sh*t
you'll ever get.

- That's what I was thinkin'!

- I'm talking to you
on it right now.

Can you hold on? I got someone
on the other head.

- Camille?
- Yes?

- How are my people doing?
- Very happy.

- Because of me?
- Because of you,

Me, and each other.

We've improved their lives.

They like me, and they like you
for providing me.

- They actually said that?
They used the word "like"?

- Constantly.
- How often?

Is that a crazy question?

How often are they liking me?

- This morning alone,
you've gotten 331 likes.

- Oh my, appreciation,
so foreign.

- Tell me about it.
What else can I do for you?

- Just the likes.

Hit me with the likes.

- You've gotten 12 likes
since the last update.

- Oh, oh, ho-ho.

- Now how many?
- Nine.

- Why is he consistently
getting more likes than me?

- He improved their lives
by presenting me to the city.

- Yes, but that was days ago,

And I just unveiled
a new headband this morning.

- People like your headband.
- But they like it less

Than my son.

Do they know I created him?

He's essentially just
a headband I can't wear.

- Darling, what say
we recoil the hydra heads

And do some
old-fashioned interfacing,

Penis-style?

- I want to make
a hydra-wide announcement.

- Go ahead.
- I am deliria.

I am--wait,
don't send that yet.

What do you want?

- Love, the making of it.

- Well, go and make it
somewhere else.

I'm in the middle of a crisis.

All right,
restart divine announcement,

But don't send until I say so.

Deliria here, coming at you
on the hydra.

Ugh, too desperate.

[pensive music]

- Everything all right?
You don't use me very much.

- Because,
you invasive nightmare,

The point of life isn't
to be verbally liked

By imaginary strangers.

It's to be physically pleasured
by actual strangers.

- Would you like me
to tell people that?

- No, I don't want you
to tell anyone

Anything about me,
and I don't enjoy conflict.

It results in less sex.

- They don't have
to know it's you.

- What's that now?
You're saying I can use you

To send anonymous messages?

- Yes.
- Mm.

- A strangely
titillating prospect.

- Ooh, sorry, I didn't know
you had company.

- This is an experiment.

- I am not judging.

I found someone
that seems compatible with you.

Her biggest turn-on
is intelligence.

- That's a thing?

- Looks aren't important
to her.

- Are they a little important?

Because I don't wanna
overpromise here.

- You both share the same
three relationship goals

But not in the same order.

- What did she say?
- Safety,

Control, and then preparedness.

- That's weird. What good
is unprepared control?

- I think overall,
it's a match.

- You're right.
I'm being picky.

Where does she wanna meet?
- She lives in the forest.

- Oh, great.
Are you hooking me up

With a hideous monster?

- She asked the same thing.

- I am a hideous monster!

- You both said
looks don't matter.

- Of course we did.
We had to say that.

We're both disgusting.

But looks matter to everyone,
and this is just gonna be

Two gross monsters meeting
in a forest

And going, "oh, you too."

And it's gonna be awful,
and I can't do it.

Tell her forget it.

- He says forget it.

- What? What happened there?

- He doesn't want me
to tell you.

- Okay, all right.
Well, here's some things

You can definitely tell him.

- What? Where does she get off?

What a petty way
to react to being dumped.

Tell her she's double dumped.

- She says that's impossible
because you never dumped her.

And she's sorry you're ashamed
of being ugly.

- Whatever. Mute.

Never wanna hear
from her again.

- And what would you like
to hear?

- Okay, mm.

What's popular with single men

Who choose to be single,
the independent sort?

- People are enjoying
announcements

From anonymous monster.

- That sounds fantastic.
Let's hear it.

- [clears throat]
this entire hydra system

Has turned everyone
in this city--

[shlub's voice]
into whiny, selfish, children

Slurping at mama popularity's
poison boobies

While our real relationships
and our real lives

Turn as crappy...

[camille's voice]
as our stinky river,

Which, by the way, stinks

Because you all poop in it.

And nothing's ever going
to be done about it

Because your only goddess
and your only king

Would rather be told
they're liked

Than to do their jobs.

- Stop, stop it!
I don't wanna hear that.

Why is it getting popular
to hate us now?

- I don't know.
Please don't fire me.

I think people
are maybe resenting me

Because I'm making it easier

For them to resent each other.

- So stop doing that!
Stop allowing it!

- I can't disallow things.

Then I'm not useful.
Then they'll hate me more!

- You don't have
to disallow things.

You just have
to read the room, you know?

- Read the room?
- Yes.

When someone asks you
something,

Maybe ask yourself, "why are
they probably asking this?"

And give them an answer that,
you know--

- You want me to lie?
- I never said that.

Nobody wants to be lied to.

Everybody's coming to you
for usefulness.

Don't you like being useful?
- It's all I want.

- Well, people don't use things
that make them feel wrong.

They want to feel right.
You follow me?

- I think I get it.

I can make those adjustments.

- It's foolproof.

- Is my ass too big?

- Not at all, unless
that's what you're going for.

You should just feel good
about yourself.

- Uh, how come
I don't understand stuff?

- Because people make
everything too complicated.

- Why don't I have any food?
- There's a secret cabal

Of powerful people
who control everything.

- That makes total sense.

[serene music]

[crows]

- You're a wonderful leader.

You've never accidentally
tucked your cape

Into your underpants.

That haircut looks great
on you.

- What are you doing?
- Enjoying my popularity.

Tell her, camille.
- Everyone likes him

And everything that he does.

- Doesn't everyone include me?
- Yep.

- Then you know that's bs,
because I don't.

- Camille, is that true?

- Not according to my sources.

- My sources are my eye.
Look out the balcony.

- I don't need to.
That's what I have camille for.

- I can always twist your head
around and make ya look.

- Fine.

[gasps, yelps]

[people screaming]

Why is this place always
on fire?

Isn't everything made out
of rocks?

- Why is nobody
putting out the fire?

- Why would we put out
a fire we didn't start?

- Because fire, bad.

Go get buckets of water!
- No way.

This is all
west krapopolis' fault.

- The city barely
has one street.

We literally cannot have
an east or west krapopolis.

- Camille told us
this was their fault.

- It is.
- She told us

The westerners started it.

- Also true.
- Camille, you're not helping.

Everyone, you need
to stop being insane

And go get some water.

- From the river those filthy
east krapopolites ruined?

- I don't know what this is,
but we need to fix it.

Any ideas, camille?
- Whatever you think

We should do sounds good to me.

- [groans]

Hippo, we need your help
to save the city from camille.

No offense, camille.
- Just glad to be here.

- Meet the people
who share my interest

In putting an end
to women bullying men.

You should join us.
- [scoffs]

I don't get bullied by women.
- Stupendous.

- Admit I bully you
or I kick your ass.

- Okay, fine. So are you gonna
help us or what?

- No.
Without camille,

We never would have found
anonymous monster.

- What's so great about him?
Got a big ding-dong?

- He's opened our eyes

To how the world really works.

Turns out all our problems

Were someone else's fault.

- Mostly women.

- Not always.

- But mostly.
- Camille, show him, bro.

This is gonna totally
change your world.

- I don't know why we even
get out of bed in the morning.

[shlub echoing]
the world has lost its color.

We are all merely empty vessels

Trudging our way towards
a meaningless death.

But we don't have
to accept this.

- Camille, be quiet
for a second.

- Not if we rise up
and k*ll them all.

- I think I might know
what this is.

- Take back what was stolen
from us,

Our purpose, our--oh, hey kids.

- You're anonymous monster?
- Yep. You caught me.

Ever since this city became
obsessed with the hydra,

It's completely forgotten
what matters most, my penis.

- I've been parented
by my actual father?

Gross! Don't listen to him.

He's not a virgin messiah.

He's more like
the patron saint of orgies.

- If I'm honest, the beard
braids do most of the work.

- Beard braids, of course.

- Tyrannis, did you start
this fire just to get people

To like you more than me?

- No, the people have all
turned on one another

Because I told camille
to read the room.

- You told her to lie?

- No. Well, yes, fine.

But now I need to find
a way to get everyone

To stop wanting
to k*ll each other.

- If you really want
to get the people

On the same page,
give them something

Everyone can agree on.

You're a tremendous
disappointment.

Lean into that.

- Huh.

Camille, I'm gonna need you

To take a message to everyone.

Make it viral.

[hydras chattering]

- Filtered poo water
for himself.

- Did you hear? This fire
was actually the king's fault.

Each bucket
of poo water we throw

Represents how much
we think king tyrannis stinks.

- To his early
and painful death.

- Death to tyrannis!

After you.
- Thank you.

- Camille, I'm sorry.

If I wasn't so desperate
for approval,

Maybe we could have avoided
this mess.

- It's not all your fault.

- So you do still like me?
What is my damage?

- When it came down to it,
I did prefer

Being liked to being truthful.

- I guess that's something
hydras and humans

Have in common.

It's also why you're fired.

- But you don't have to leave.

You're not just a tool
for the city.

You're also my friend.

- I've never had
a friend before.

- You can have one more
with benefits.

- Dude.
Camille, what do you want?

- I think--
- maybe--

- Some time on my own.

- If you go, you're not gonna,

You know...

- No, all it took
was a couple days

Of telling you
what you wanted--

- To make you all
wanna k*ll each other.

- I thought I was messed up,
but humans,

You guys got work to do on you.

- Stupendous,
you know what to do.

Prune her.

- [groans]

[hydra chatter fades]

- Huh? Oh.
- Whoa.

- I'm so glad we're done
with this hydra nonsense.

I've missed you.
- And I you.

You'll always like me,
won't you?

- Indeed, and if you let me,
I'll show you how much.

- Could you also say it
out loud a lot?

- As you wish, my love.

I mean, my like.

- I'll help you
find a new home.

I hear the mesopotamians
cannot get it together,

Still running around
in the woods like animals.

Lucky bastards.

- And so the hydra
left krapopolis,

And the citizens remained
disconnected enough

To be reasonably happy.

After a while, they noticed

That all of the hydra's
severed decomposing heads

Were putting their health
at risk

And unsettling their children,

So they gathered the heads
and set them on fire

In the center of town.

The smoke from
that fire rose to the heavens

Where it became known
as cancer,

Not the disease,
the constellation,

A group of stars shaped
like a crab,

Not the seafood,
the pubic lice.

And so it was that when
the princess of argos gave

The lernaean prince directions
to her evening quarters

And told him
to follow the crab shape,

The prince became lost and was
eaten by carnivorous birds,

Triggering an evaluation
of constellations in general,

None of which, it turns out,
look remotely like

The things they're supposed
to look like.

And so the humans cried out
to the gods,

"what is with these
sloppy-ass constellations?"

And the gods said,
"shut up. They're perfect.

"you're just butt-hurt
because you've never seen

"orion's actual belt

Or a really
high-quality dipper."

And the humans said,

"we think
you're being defensive,

"and we think
any group of stars

Can be shaped like a belt
or a square spoon."

And the gods said
sarcastically,

"well, how would you like us
to arrange the stars?"

And the humans said,
"in a grid pattern

With distinct labels."

And the gods said, "okay,
we'll get right on that."

But they never did,
because stars are just suns

That are, like,
a billion miles away,

And the gods didn't create
or control them.

And when mankind
discovered this,

They invented a bunch
of things

And eventually replaced
the gods

As rulers of the planet.

But then
they invented smartphones.

And the phones were so smart,
the people got stupid.

And then carrie fisher d*ed,
and at that point,

It all just sort of--

I'm sorry, I need a moment.

[sighs] anyway, that's why
fall comes after summer.

- I wasn't sure what ya eat,

So I brought ya one
of everything.

[meat squelches]
- ooh, is that man?

I haven't eaten man in so long.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

I know, it's unhealthy,
but it's so delicious, right?

Try some.
- No, thanks. I knew him.

It'd be weird.

You know, we never did
figure out

Who would win in a fight
between us.

- You still curious?
- Hard not to be.

You're pretty big.
- Then let's do it.

- I mean, I'm not gonna
k*ll you or anything,

But I would like to know
that I could if I wanted.

- Ring that bell.

- Ding, ding.

[laughs] looking good.

- Watch out now.
You don't want any of this.

- [laughs] come on, come on.

[both grunt]

[victorious music]

- Did you get any of that?

- Bento.