08x15 - Fonzie Gets sh*t

[bunniefuu]

♪ Sunday, Monday Happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday Happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday Happy days ♪

♪ The weekend comes My cycle hums ♪

♪ Ready to race to you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Happy and free ♪

♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪



-♪ Share them with me ♪

-♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Goodbye, gray sky Hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothin' can hold me When I hold you ♪

♪ It feels so right It can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rockin' and rollin' All week long ♪

[saxophone solo]

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday Happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday Happy days ♪

♪ Saturday, what a day ♪

♪ Groovin' all week with you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Share them with me ♪

♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪



-♪ Happy and free ♪

-♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ These happy days Are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days Are yours and mine ♪

♪ Happy days ♪

[nurse] All right, all right. Bring the patient right through here.

[Fonzie] Where is he? I'll get him. I'll get him, I'll get him!

Will you stop hittin' me against the walls?

This is unbelievable!

What in tarnation

is goin' on in here?

Oh, it's him, doctor.

These city boys can outshout a moose.



-What's his problem?

-I got sh*t!

Another huntin' accident, I guess.

I promise you let me off this table, I will pulverize him!

Take it easy, son.

You'll scare our patients.

You the doctor?

Some say "yes." Some say "no."

I want one that's "yes" all the time.

Doctor, your hat.

Oh. Nice, isn't it?

I got a suit that goes with it!

Oh, that's great. I'm a goner now.

Well, let me take a look here.

[laughs]

He got you right in the part

that goes over the fence last.

How bad is it?

Well, next time you're hungry,

I'd look for a buffet.

Afternoon, there, Titus.

I didn't hear you drive up.

I only use the siren goin' to lunch.

What happened, get sh*t in the behind?

No, I sat down on a b*llet.

It's just a flesh wound.

You wanna take a look?

Can i?

Why don't you just invite

the whole town in here

-

- sell tickets.

I'll just take a picture and show it around.

[all laughing]

I'll chase the dog outta the operatin' room.



-You fellas can come in now.

-Thanks.

Hey, Fonz, how ya doin'?

You don't look so bad.

No thanks to you.

I'm sorry, Fonz.

This is the guy! This is the guy!

I want him tarred, feathered, and put in jail.

He's overreacting, sheriff

-

-

What are you talkin' about, overreacting?

I'm telling you, Warren Weber sh*t me

with "malice of forefront"!

Oh, Fonz, he did not

-

-

And this is Arcola boy

-

- he was in cahoots.



-I know that.

-I was not!

Now, fellas, no sense gettin' riled up over

-

-

Who are you talkin' to about overreacting?



-That's the sheriff.

-All right. Be the sheriff. Go ahead.

Fonz... Fonz, I'm sorry.

Somebody just wanna start from the beginning

and tell me the story?

All right. For an actual account, you better let me tell it.

All right, go ahead. sh**t.

No offense, Fonzarelli.

You see, it all started back in Milwaukee.

Chachi here was over at his girlfriend's house,

and they were studying for the college board exam.

Okay, try this one.

"What is the name of the negative particle

which orbits the nucleus of the atom?

A, proton. B, electron.

C, neutron." What is it?

Wait. Don't give it to me, uh

-

-

uh... electron.

Oh... exactly right.

Now, give me ten more questions fast.

Well, let's assume that you got 'em all correct.

[laughs]

Come on, Fonz. It'll be so enjoyable.

The cabin sleeps four

-

- you, me, Potsie,



-and we'll find somebody else.

-Hold it. Hold it.

Me and Potsie in the same forest

is gonna upset the balance of nature.

It's his uncle's cabin. He's got to come.

Well, then I'm definitely out, let me tell you.

Anyway, I'm saved by the bell.

I gotta watch my cousin Chachi.

He's studying for his college board exams, you know.



-Oh, yeah?

-Yeah, sorry.



-College board exams, huh?

-Yeah.

What's he studying for? The university of whoopee?

All right, you two

-

- what are you doin'?

You, of all people, should know, Fonz.

Don't you smart

-mouth me.

You're the first one in the family

that has a sh*t at goin' to college.

I don't see what's wrong

with a little... "Mooie

-mooie."

"Mooie

-mooie"?

Do I gotta draw you a picture?

College... that's all I hear about is college!

I'm fed up with college!

All right, you're gonna hear more now.

College, college, college

-

-

Oh, mooie

-mooie!

You ought to get out more.



-Hi, there.

-Hello, everybody.

Oh, bowling was so good tonight.

I got three strikes.



-Great.

-Good for you.

Too bad they weren't in her lane.

Oh, Howard.



-What do we do now?

-Oh, Al.

Oh, dear, I thought you went home.

Oh, heck, no. I'm having too much fun.

I thought we'd just kind of all hang around together.



-Hi, kids.

-Hi, Al.

Well, Al, I'm sorry,

but we're gonna go to bed.

Oh, well, same old story.

All dressed up and no place to go.

Listen, Al, if you're in the mood for some fun,

why don't you go on downtown to the dance hall?

Oh, Howard.

Howard, do you know what kind of women hang out there?

Geez...

[giggling]



-Wish me luck.

-Yeah.

Well, Joanie, did the studying pay off?



-Sure has, Mom.

-Yep.

Joanie, I thought you promised me

you were going to spend your time studying.

I can't study alone!

I need someone to quiz me.

I'll quiz you.

Well, I meant someone cute, Dad.

All right, young lady. Upstairs to your room.

Your mother will quiz you.

She's the cutest person I know.

Oh, Howard.

Well, goodnight, everybody.

Goodnight, Mrs. C.

[Howard] Goodnight, gentlemen.



-Yeah, all right.

-All right.

Fonz, what am I gonna do?

All right, Roger, you tell me about that cabin again.

It's Potsie's uncle's cabin.

We could have it for the whole weekend.



-Sleeps four?

-Easy.

Let me guess. I'm the fourth, right?

You're a quick study. You know what I mean?

Listen, no Joanie... pure concentration.

That sounds like jail.

And I got the key. Goodnight, Mr. C.

Mr. C., help me, please. Say something!

Bye

-bye!

Oh, that's nice.

You know, I do like a good love story.

Anyway, look, the four of us went up to the cabin.

Fonzie and Chachi were at each others' throats.

This man was "obnoxiocity," an animal. That's right.

I was a perfect angel. This man was "Attila the Nun."

Can I tell the rest of the story, please?



-Can I tell the rest of the story?

-[Roger] Go right ahead.

Thank you.

All I did was... I wanted the kid to study.

Roger's in the background there jumpin' rope, you know?

Chachi wouldn't even cr*ck a book.

[grunts]

Twenty

-one... twenty

-two...

[bird chirps]

[whistles] ...back, all right?

Have a good time flyin' south.

I love ya.

Very nice plane there, Chach.

What is that? P

-, huh?



-P

-!

-I knew it, I knew it.

Listen, I talked to the birds.

They're gonna stop chirping, fly south. You won't be bothered no more.



-Good.

-[Fonzie] All right.

I can still hear the wind.

I'm doin' the best I can

-

-

Well, your best isn't good enough!

Yes, it isn't.

Boy, Fonz, I don't know how you put up with this guy.

You bring him all the way up here to study,

and he hasn't even cracked a book.

Let's just face it... he's a bad boy.

Shh! Shh! Shh!

There's no such thing as a bad boy.

He just needs love, that's all.

Tender, lovin' care.



-Page!

-Yeah, I'm turnin' the page.



-Fonz!

-Yeah, hello.

I would like a glass of water.



-And be quick about it!

-Here I go! Look at me.

I'm goin' to get a glass of water right now.

The pitcher is in my hand.

The water is pouring.

Fonz, you are a saint.

Chachi doesn't deserve a cousin like you.

All right, look.

I know that studying is very thirsty work.

Here you go, huh?



-Okay.

-You first.

That was very thoughtful of you, Chachi.

Look. I am not gonna study, and you can't force me!

This is America, pal.

I'm not... I'm not forcin' you there, Chach.

I am begging. I am asking. It's for your own good.

I need you, please, to hit the books.

Oh, yeah!

You got it!



-[laughs] Yeah.

-Look at that book fly, huh?



-What an athletic lad you are.

-That's right.

All right. I'll just get the book for ya right over here.

I'm tired of sitting on this bench.

It's too hard.

I got the solution. Come here. Come here.

All right. I'm gonna put you right over here.



-I'm gonna get you the book.

-Yeah.

You sit comfortably. I'm gonna get you the book.



-How's that? Yeah.

-This is better.

[knocking on door]

Could you have him answer the door?

Would you. get the door?



-I'm going.

-He's going.



-Hi.

-Hi. My name's Allison.

My girlfriends and I are having a party, and

-

- Wow!

Oh, please, will you come to my party?

I need a handsome man

to put his big, strong arms around me

and keep me warm.

I love a man that wears leather.

If you don't come, my life will have no meaning!

I can't. I can't. I'm sorry. I can't go.

My cousin comes first. He's goin' to college.

He might be the first one in the whole family. Now, listen

-

-

it's not...

that passion is not runnin' through my veins. You understand that?



-Get rid of her!

-[Fonzie] I'm getting rid of her.



-I'm getting rid of her. Come on.

-[crying]

What's she doin' here? This place only sleeps four.

This is for the birds. I'm goin' huntin'.

Page!

Page. Here we go, turning the page.



-Thank you.

-Why is he going hunting in our bedroom?

Because he's Potsie.

Where did you get that?

It's my uncle's.

Found it in the closet. I love g*ns!

Are you crazy?

You might hurt Chachi in some way!

Oh, it's not loaded.

You think I'd take a loaded g*n around? Hey, I'm an expert.

Well, I'm done studying.

[sighs] I think I'll go into town now

and get me some whiskey and loose women.

Give me a dollar.

For your own good, Chachi, I can't do it.



-Can't do it, Chachi.

-Will you get off my back?



-Get off his back!

-Yeah.

Will you shut up?

Now, look. Just listen to me.

It's very important that you stay right here.



-Is that right?

-That's right.



-Who d*ed and made you boss?

-Yeah, who d*ed and made you boss?

No, no. You can't leave... You can't leave, Chachi. Please.

Hey, let him leave!

What are you gonna do? sh**t me from the back?

I don't care what you say, I'm goin' for

-

-



-[g*nsh*t]

-Oh! He sh*t me!

I don't care about myself, but he ruined a good pair of pants.

Oh, who cares?

And that's the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth,

so help me, Grandma Nussbaum.

It is not. Look, let me tell you what really happened, all right.

Titus, before he starts, let me go to work on this dude.

Oh, hold it, Doc. Hold your scalpel.

I wanna hear this guy's story.

Sorry, son. It's time to get the lead out. Ha

-ha!

He kills me!

Yeah, somebody should. Hold it!

Let me tell you something, you just stick to the truth. All right?



-Yeah, okay.

-[Fonzie] Be careful, doc.

The work you do means so much to so many.

Fonzie had it completely backwards.

I was studying the whole time,

but there was just no pleasin' the guy.

Twenty

-three... twenty

-four... twenty

-five...

I can't study anymore.

The words are starting to blur.

Chach, why don't you take a break?

He's had you at it nonstop for hours.

No, I can't. I promised Fonzie

that I would sit there and study.

I know he's hard on me, but a promise is a promise.



-You know, you're a saint.

-I know.

Fonzie doesn't deserve a cousin like you.

[bird chirps]

Cool it!

And you better fly south! You understand?

Those birds were drivin' me crazy

-

-

Look at that...

I turn my back for one minute, he's goofin' off.



-We just talked a little

-

-

-Just a little?

You get over there!

I wanna tell you somethin', now!

I want you not to take your face outta that book, all right?

[Chachi] Fonz, can I have a glass of water?

Say, please.

Please.



-No.

-You two are making me sick!

I'll get the water.

[Fonzie] All right, you can have one sip.



-Here you go, you poor little guy.

-Thanks.



-I changed my mind!

-No, Fonz, please

-

-



-Give me that water!

-I'm dying here!

You pour that water on me, huh?

No dinner for you!

But I didn't have any lunch! I let you watch me, didn't I?

I'm weak.

Get up there, and pick up those books!

Huh? Where's that respect for books?

Sit down there!

Fonz, can I get off this hard bench?

Maybe I could sit in the rocker, please?

[in a high

-pitched voice] Maybe I could sit in the rocker, please?

Little baby. Can I get in the rocker?

[in normal voice] You wanna get in the rocker? All right, get in the rocker!

Here. Here's your books! Here you go. Study up a storm, all right?



-Are you comfy?

-Yes, this is better, thank you, Fonz.

Oh, that's great. That's great.

[knocking on door]

All right. And shoo those people away. You understand?

I'm goin'.



-Hi.

-Hi. My name is Allison.

My girlfriends and I are having a party, and

-

- Wow!

Oh, please, will you come to my party?

I need a handsome man

to put his big, strong arms around me

and hold me tight.

Young men drive me crazy.

If you don't come, my life will have no meaning!

You see, I promised my cousin Fonzie

that I would sit here and study.

Thanks, anyway. Maybe some other time.

[crying]

I noticed that you didn't have the book open

during the time that chick was talkin' to you.

No, Fonz, I was readin' the whole time! Honest!

Yeah?

Yeah, sure. You guys have all the fun

while I'm out there choppin' wood.

Pots, I'll give you a hand.

Fonz, this is ridiculous.



-How am I gonna turn the pages?

-You have a tongue, don't ya?

Hey, look, my uncle's g*n. Now we can go huntin'!

Pots, you're makin' me nervous!

Oh, it's not loaded.

It better not be.

I wouldn't go around with a loaded g*n. You think I'm stupid or something?

The jury is still out.

Fonz... Fonz, I know you're only trying to help me,

but, please, I need to take a little walk.

I'm starving.

Maybe I'll find some berries,

a strip of bark

-

- anything.

I'll be right back.



-You're not goin' anywhere.

-Yes, I am.



-No, you're not.

-Yes, I am.



-Fonz, you have to let him go.

-Hey, shut up, will ya?

I don't have to let him do anything!

Please, Fonz, I need to take a little walk.

I'm tellin' you, you're stayin' right here!

Fonz, you have to let him go.

What are you gonna do? sh**t me from behind?



-[g*nsh*t]

-Oh, that hurt!

My favorite cousin sh*t!

Oh, why?

Why couldn't the b*llet have hit me?

Fonz!

And that's what happened.

Now, you're sayin' that this fella here

sh*t that other fella by accident?



-Yeah, that's right.

-I still feel guilty.

Now may I tell what really happened?

That still wasn't it?

...trying to say earlier they were driving each other crazy.

I was the only one sensible there.

I was out there doin' a few light exercises

with my jump

-rope.

[jump

-rope whooshes]

Ah, ,. Yeah.

Hey, Fonz, I'm gettin' kind of thirsty.

Get me a glass of water, will you?

Every ten seconds you're askin', "water."

I'm gettin' tired, up and down, up and down.

I'm busy. Is a teensy

-weensy,

little glass of water too much to ask?

You know, you two are making me sick. I'll get the water.

You know, Fonz, all you do is nag him about studying.

And, Chach, all you do is gripe about having to study.

Guys, I came up here to commune with nature,

and all I'm doing is communing with your insanity.

You two ought to be ashamed of yourselves.



-Thanks.

-Thank you.

Good move. Good move.

Okay, now how about study?

You're right, coach.

We'll try and behave ourselves, okay?

You know something? You're a saint.

We don't deserve a friend like you.

Really? Let me go sit in the rocker.

This bench is too hard.

That's great. That's great. Waste time changin' seats.

Three seconds!

In one ear and right out the mouth.

[knock on door]

Don't anybody move. I'll be sure to get the door.



-Hi, there.

-Hi. My name is Allison

-

-

Wow! Oh, please, come to my party!

I love men with blue eyes.

If you don't come, my life will have no meaning!

Listen, honey, I'd really like to,

but you see those two fellas right there?

If I leave, they're liable to k*ll each other.

Maybe later, huh, baby?

[wailing]

You know, I'm not gonna read any faster by you watching me.

You don't read any faster, we're gonna be here till Christmas.

I only have two eyes.

One for the right side, one for the left side.

Boy, cutting wood is hard.

That chain saw hardly works.

Oh, yeah? Maybe the motor's broken.

It has a motor?

The jury just came in.

Fonz, I can't study anymore.

My neck is getting stiff.

"Can't" is not in the Fonzarelli vocabulary.

My eyes aren't even focusing on the words.

Am I gonna have to tie you up to make you study?

I just need a break, all right?

Let's face it

-

-

I can't cram four years of high school

into one weekend.

Chachi, you should have thought of that four years ago.

[Potsie] Hey, guys, look, my uncle's g*n.

Hey, Warren, that better not be loaded.

Oh, no, it isn't, Fonz. I checked.

That's it. I gotta get some fresh air. I'm going crazy in this place.

All right. Chachi, Chachi, Chachi!

I know you're gonna go out there in the woods, and you're gonna get lost on me.

If I'm lucky.

I'm goin' with ya.

Can't I be alone for one second?



-No, I gotta go with ya.

-Oh, let him go, Fonz.

Shut up! What are you gonna do, sh**t me in the back?

[g*nsh*t]

Whoa!

[softly] He sh*t me.

He shouldn't have done that.

[Roger] It wasn't Potsie's r*fle.

It was the g*n that fell from the wall.

Yeah! I know I didn't sh**t him! [laughing]

That's what I've been trying to tell you.

Only everybody here has been too busy telling fairy tales.

Titus, take a gander at that.

A

-ha!

What is it?

[all] A b*llet!

Took it out of his rump roast.

That didn't come from no r*fle.

It looks like it came from an old dueling p*stol.

Right. This!



-[nurse screams]

-Look out! He's got a g*n!

Sheriff.

Nice work, sheriff.

Fonz, you know, I've been takin' a lot of abuse,

and I really think I deserve an apology.

He's right, Fonz.

All right, Potsie, uh, what I'm sayin' here

is what people say

when things like this do happen, you know?

Aw, thanks, Fonz. That's all I wanted to hear.

Well, I guess I better get on the road

before crime starts runnin' rampant.



-All right. Hey, thanks, sheriff.

-Oh, just doin' my job.

You know, uh, I hope you fellas

have learned a valuable lesson from all this today.

You know, g*ns is like women.

You never fool around with a loaded g*n.

A loaded woman, on the other hand, is a different story!



-I'll see you, fellas.

-See ya later.

Bye, sheriff.

There goes a good man. A lousy sheriff, but a good man.

Well, Mr. Fonzarelli,

I got some papers that you need to sign,

and then you can be on your way.



-I'll be right back.

-Hey, doc, thank you very much.

It was my pleasure.

I needed the practice.

There goes a good man.

Lousy doctor, but a good man.

It's a strange town. You know that, Fonz?

I tell you what...

right after you sign the papers, all four of us

will go right back up to the cabin.



-And study?

-I wouldn't have it any other way.



-All right.

-You can even sit next to me and watch.

No, I'd rather stand...

if that's all right with you.



-Let me ask you a silly question, right?

-Okay.

If you knew it was the p*stol, why didn't you just



-give it to the sheriff in the beginning?

-Yeah.



-Yeah.

-Well, I wanted to, but nobody would give me a chance.

Besides, I had to see the b*llet the doctor produced.

Anyway, I kind of liked your stories, you know.

There wasn't even a shred of truth in any of 'em.

And the whole time you actually thought the girl was after you,

when the whole time I knew she liked me.

She never took her eyes off me.

Come on. She didn't even know you were in the cabin.



-Oh, come on.

-There you are, sweetheart.



-Come on. We gotta get to the party.

-Oh, yeah, yeah.

Don't wait up for me, guys.



-I don't believe that.

-Some weekend.

You get sh*t, and Potsie gets the girl.

You see that? I told you, Potsie and me in the same forest...

it upsets the balance of nature.



-Let's get outta here.

-Yeah.

All right, look. Look, one thing.

We don't say a word about this to anybody.

[both] Mum's the word.

Let's go.

Sorry. Are you all right?

♪ Goodbye, gray sky Hello, blue ♪

♪ 'Cause nothing can hold me When I hold you ♪

♪ It feels so right It can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rockin' and rollin' All week long ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Happy and free ♪

♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Share them with me ♪

♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ These happy days Are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days Are yours and mine ♪

♪ Happy days ♪