01x06 - The Green-Eyed Monster

[bunniefuu]

- And they livedhappily ever after.

Once upon a time,there was a little girl

named Little Red Riding Hood.[audience laughing]

[upbeat music]

♪ Set in my ways, losingtrack of the days ♪

♪ Only me to live for ♪

♪ Had no need to givemore than I wanted to ♪

♪ Spending my timejust holding the line ♪

♪ Never getting caught up ♪

♪ Love was never brought up ♪

♪ It's not the thing to do ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You made me leapwithout taking a look ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ♪

♪ It was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You reeled me right inline, sinker, and hook ♪

♪ Never thought foreverwas the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ It was you and me ♪

♪ And then came you ♪

[upbeat music]

- Mail call!

- Webster, willyou give me a break?

- You said we'd have mailcall before "Sesame Street."

- Oh, come on Big Bird.

[audience laughing]

- Okay, Webster Long.

That's me.

Oh, look me again.

Me, me, me.

[audience laughing]

Me.- Webster.

- You.

[audience laughing]Me, me.

Ramon Cabalero?

- I'll take it.

I'm having a slow day.

[audience laughing]

- Me, me.

That's it.

- Wester, why are yougetting so much mail?

- I sent in couponsand boxtops.

Right now, I'm expectingthree decoder rings,

seven Mr. Potato Heads,

and a picture ofMr. Roger's sweater.

[audience laughing]

- How do you like that?

- Well, I think it's nice,

but does he need sevenMr. Potato Heads?

- No, no, no,darling, this letter.

Guess who it's from?

- Ramon Cabalero.

[audience laughing]

- No.

- I'm dry.

- Molly Taggert.

- Molly Taggert?Oh, boy!

- Who's Molly Taggert?

- Boy, we used to haveso much fun together.

- Yeah, we'd allgo for ice cream.

- Who's Molly Taggert?

- You'd get a scoopof tooty fruity.

[audience laughing]

- Yeah, and Mollywould have four scoops

of strawberry twirl.

- Guys, who is Molly Taggert?

- Molly used to babysit for me.

She was my favorite!

- Yeah, she's coming toChicago in a few days,

and she's gonna stayat the Palace Hotel.

- Oh boy, I can'twait to see her.

- Where you going?

- To my cereal boxes.

Maybe I can send awayfor something for Molly.

[audience laughing]

[George chuckling]

[audience laughing]

- Ah ha ha ha ha.

[audience laughing]

- Oh. Oh, no.

- Uh, what's the matter, George?

- Oh,

Molly wants me to help herget into sportscasting.

- Oh.

Webster!

- Don't worry, Ma'am,I'll be careful.

[audience laughing]

- Katherine, I wish I coulddo something for her, but.

- Well, I knowhow you must feel.

I mean, even thoughshe's a nice person,

doesn't mean she knowsanything about sports.

- Oh, baby, she knowseverything about sports.

- Well, knowing aboutsports isn't enough.

I mean, don't you have tohave a nice speaking voice?

- Are you kidding?

She's got a greatspeaking voice.

- Well, that's nice.But I mean...

What's the problem, George?

[audience laughing]

- Well, she's overweightand not very attractive.

[boxes tumbling]

[audience laughing]

- Oh, hi, everything's fine.

You can keep talking.

Everything's just fine.

[audience laughing]

- I am really surprisedat you, George.

- Darling, televisionis a cosmetic industry.

They just want-

- Good-looking women?

- Sweetheart, I don't likeit anymore than you do,

but I don't make up the rules.

- Oh, hi, everything'sstill fine.

[audience laughing]

- Fine.

You know, George, we'retalking pure sexism here.

- Sexism?

- Sexism.

A man can have two noses,

wear size 71 underwear,and nobody cares.

A woman has one pimple,

and she's the Brideof Frankenstein.

[audience laughing]

- I never said she wasthe Bride of Frankenstein.

She isn't evenmarried. [chuckles]

[audience laughing]

- George, if she's yourfriend, you should help her.

- Well, I'll see whatI can do, sweetheart.

[doorbell rings]

- Hello, I am Ramon Cabalero.

[audience laughing]

Do you have any mail for me?

[audience laughing]

[upbeat music]

- George?

- What?

- It's Tuesday!

- Thank you forsharing that with me.

[audience laughing]

- You don't understand.

I can't find the ballet tickets.

I just picked themup this afternoon,

you know, for theSaturday matinee?

- Oh, Katherine, Katherine,another Saturday shot!

[audience laughing]

Well, I guess I'll just haveto take another nappy poo.

[audience laughing]

- George.

- Darling, we've got fivedays to find those tickets.

[doorbell rings]

- That's Molly!

She's here! She's here!

- Hi.

- [Audience] Ooh!

[audience laughing]

- Can I, can I help you?

- It's me, Molly.

- Molly who?

[audience laughing]

- Molly, Molly.

- You're Molly?

- You're Molly?

- She's Molly?

[audience laughing]

- I'm Molly.

- Molly!- Molly!

[audience laughing]

- Mol... Molly.

Golly, Molly.

[audience laughing]

Katherine, this is Molly.

- Hi, Katherine, it'snice to meet you.

George described you perfectly.

- He was a little offin your description.

[audience laughing]

- Well, well just don't,just don't stand up.

Sit, do.

Oh, no, here, sit down here.

[audience laughing]

So you're Molly.

[audience laughing]

- Hey, Molly?

What happened tothe rest of you?

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

- Webster.

- That's all right.

You see, I used tobe a lot larger.

[audience laughing]

- Are you still cuddly?

- We can find out.

- I bet you are.

[audience laughing]

- She was talking to Webster.

[audience laughing]

- Yep, she's still cuddly.

[audience laughing]

- So, so, I can't, Molly,

I can't get overhow you've changed.

- Yeah.

Well, one day Ilooked in the mirror,

and I said, "Mirror,mirror on the wall."

And the mirror said, "Look,it's only an opinion."

So I went on a diet for a year,

and I exercised,and everything else

just sort of fell into place.

- It sure did.

[audience laughing]

- George.

- Well, I was onlytrying to agree with her.

I'm just being a good host.

[audience laughing]

- Ma'am, can show Molly my room?

Can I, can I, please, please?

Can I? Can I?- Shh.

If Molly wants to, yes.

- I would love to see your room.

- Thank you, thank you,thank you, thank you.

[audience laughing]

Thank you.

I'll pay you backsome day, I promise.

[audience laughing]

- Well, she seems very nice.

- Who?

[audience laughing]

- Who?

- Oh, Molly.

- Oh, Molly.

You haven't been able totake your eyes off her.

- Sweetheart, I hardlyeven notice her.

Where is she, withWebster? [laughs]

[audience laughing]

- Ma'am, George, I'vegot a great idea.

Can Molly stay with us?

Can she, can she,please, please?

- Webster, calm down now.

- I really, I don'twanna impose on you.

- Oh, Molly, it's no imposition.

I'd love to have you.

[audience laughing]

- We would.

Yes.

- [Webster] Thankyou, yay, Molly!

[audience applauding]

♪ You put your whole self in ♪

♪ You put your whole self out ♪

♪ You put your whole self in ♪

♪ And you shake it all about ♪

♪ You do the hokey pokey andyou turn yourself around ♪

♪ That's what it's all about ♪

♪ Hokey pokey ♪

- Oh, at last a gameI know how to play,

the hokey pokey.

Oh, that's so much fun.

♪ You put your right foot in ♪- Ma'am.

♪ You put your right foot ♪

- We already finished.

[audience laughing]

- Oh.

Did you do the right knee?

- We put it in.

[audience laughing]

- What about the left shoulder?

- In.

[audience laughing]

- The right ear?

- It's in.

[audience laughing]

- Well, so whatyou're telling me is

that the whole bodyhas been hokey pokeyed.

- I'm afraid so.

- We could play anothergame, right, Molly?

Something Ma'am can play too.

- No, no, no, no, no.

You two have been havingsuch a wonderful time

the last few days, I wouldn'tdream of interfering.

- You think we hurtMa'am's feelings?

- Oh, I don't think so.

Hey, Web, how about aquick game of leap frog?

- Can't Ma'am play?

- Hi, everybody.

- Hi, George!

- Hi, George.

- Webster, shouldn't you begetting ready for the ballet?

- Okay.

- Those are greatrhinestones, Molly.

[audience laughing]

You look so...

- Hi, George.

- So do you, darling.

[audience laughing]

Wow, you look wonderful.

- Well, I see thatyou are all ready

to work this afternoon.

- Yep, I brought homesome old videotapes

of some of my old ball games.

And Molly and I are gonnapractice sportscasting

till Molly's ready totake Chicago by storm.

Right, kiddo?

- Whatever you say, George.

From now on, I'm in your hands.

- Great.

[audience laughing]

- It's a figureof speech, George.

[audience laughing]

Webster?

Come on, we're gonnabe late for the ballet.

- Have a good time, guys.

- Say goodbye, Webster.

- Goodbye, Webster. [laughs]

[audience laughing]

- See you later.

- Bye.

[audience applauding]

Well, come on Molly,

we got a lotta workto do before tomorrow.

- Tomorrow?What's tomorrow?

- I got you an auditionwith the station manager.

- You didn't?

- [George] I did.

- [Molly] Oh,George, I love you!

You're wonderful!

I love you!

You're wonderful.

Thank you, thank you.

Mwah, mwah.

[concerned music]

[gentle music]

- Come on.

[zipper zips]Ah.

[audience laughing]

That's better.

[audience laughing]

- Hi, ma'am.- Ah!

[audience laughing]

- Going to a costume party?

[audience laughing]

- Don't you ever knockbefore you enter a room?

- I'm sorry.

I just wanted tosee if you're okay.

- That's okay.

I'm, I'm, I'm just cranky today,

[audience laughing]

you know, with workingand house guests.

[audience laughing]

- It's Molly, right?

- Oh, well, what makesyou think this is anything

to do with Molly?

- 'Cause she's always huggingand kissing me and George,

and she never hugsand kisses you.

- She's always huggingand kissing George?

[audience laughing]

- Well, me and George.

- Let's get backto the George part.

[audience laughing]

- Okay.

- Well, when she's huggingand kissing George,

is it the same way that she'shugging and kissing you?

- The way she hugsand kisses George,

it's a little more,

what do you call it?

- Adult.

- Right.

That's what you call it.

[audience laughing]

- I see.

Well, you know, thisreally has nothing to do

with hugging and kissing.

- I knew it!

It's the games, right?

- Beg pardon?

[audience laughing]

- Well, ever sinceMolly's been here,

nobody's been playing with you.

But don't worry,

from now on, we're gonnaplay games together,

just you and me.

And if you want, I'lleven take you to the zoo.

[audience laughing]

And Molly can't come.

- You are a verynice boy, Webster.

- And you are a very nice Ma'am.

[audience laughing]

- Everything isgoing to be okay.

- Really?

- Um hmm.

Now help me up.

[audience laughing]

Pull harder.

Oh, thank you.

[audience laughing]

Now, if you just tellJerry to come in.

- Okay.

- Well, I may have lost tone,

but I think I'vegained character.

[audience laughing]

Oh.

[Katherine sighs]

- Katherine!

[Katherine chuckles]

Here, drink this coffee.

- No, no, no, no, no.

Caffeine makes wrinkles,

and wrinkles mean you know what.

- Katherine, you aretoo intelligent a woman

to allow things likethat to worry you.

- No, I'm not.

And I would've thought you

of all people wouldbe vain enough

to understand how I feel.

- Vain?

Moi?

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

Why ever wouldyou think me vain?

- [sighs] Jerry?

Do you think I'm old?

- Compared to whom?

[audience laughing]

- Well, I don't know, anyone.

- Well, comparedto Webster, you're-

- I'm not talking about Webster.

- Ah.

So when you say anybody,

what you really mean is the fox.

[audience laughing]

- I beg your pardon?

- The fox in your hen house.

The potential home wrecker.

The voluptuous young thing

you were foolish enoughto welcome into your home.

- No, that is not whatI am talking about.

- Then what areyou talking about?

- The voluptuous young thing

I was foolish enough towelcome into my own home.

[audience laughing]

- Katherine, as your secretary,

I can't say I didn't warn you.

- Oh, thanks.

- But as your friend,

this Molly person can'thold a candle to you.

- Thank you, Jerry.

- I better be running along.

Mother and I have abig evening planned.

- Oh?- Yeah.

Dinner and an argument

about why I nevercome over for dinner.

[audience laughing]

Ciao.

- Ciao.

[audience laughing]

- Oh, and that outfit?

- Yeah?

- Lose it.

[audience laughing]

- Katherine, we're home.

- How did the audition go?

- Oh, Katherine,she was terrific.

- Not terrific enoughto get the job though.

- All she needs isa little seasoning.

- Katherine, are you leaving?

- Just for a little while.

- Well, if you too will excuseme, I'm going to change.

- She was sodisappointed, Katherine.

- Well, at leastshe got her chance.

- Darling, where are you going?

- Around the corner.

I have to return somethingthat I just bought.

- Oh, wrong size?

- Wrong me.

- Wait a minute.

Is there somethingwrong, darling?

- Forget it, George,you wouldn't understand.

- Now wait now, come on now.

Wait a minute.

Try me, sweetheart, come on.

- Okay.

Molly hokey pokeyedwith Webster.

[audience laughing]

- So?

Molly hokey pokeyswith everybody.

I taught her.

- I knew it.

- Are you mad 'cause I taughtMolly how to hokey pokey?

- The hokey pokey is fine.

It's the hanky pankyI'm worried about.

[audience laughing]

- What hanky panky?

- Don't you think I don'tknow what's going on?

Molly hugging and kissing you.

- Sweetheart, she is a littlebitty, little bitty girl.

[audience laughing]

I'm interested ina woman, darling.

I'm interested in you.

- [Audience] Aww.

- Are you saying that

she doesn't interestyou a little bit?

- Sweetheart, she'slike a daughter to me.

- She's not lookingat you like a father.

[audience laughing]

- Of course she is.

- You're naive, candy buns,

but I love you.

[audience laughing]

I'll be back in a minute.

- [Audience] Ooh!

- Hi.

[audience laughing]

- Go for it.

[audience laughing]

- It's my new motto.

- It's real catchy, isn't it?

[audience laughing]

- George, where's Ma'am?

- Well, she had togo out for a minute.

- Oh.

- That's a pretty ball.

- It's me and Ma'am's ball.

We're gonna play catch,and you can't play.

- Webster.

Excuse me, Molly.

Webster, that's very rude.

Now, I want you togo to your room.

- But, George-

- And don't come out.

- Ever?

- Till I tell you it's time.

[audience laughing]

- Boy, when I grow up,

things are gonna be different.

[audience laughing]- Hey.

Boy, you know, that's notlike him at all, Molly.

- George, don'tsay a word, just...

[audience laughing]

- Molly, I'm a married man!

- George, I know the firststring quarterback is great,

but what's wrong with letting

the second stringerthrow a couple passes?

- Webster, it's time!

[audience laughing]

- Going for the extra point?

- Kath.

Katherine and Webster.

Webster and me over here.

Look at, Katherine,we're here together.

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

And Webster, Katherine andI are here now together,

and Molly is way,way over there.

[audience laughing]

- I may have beenwilling to share Webster,

but I am certainly notwilling to share George.

- Boy, am I starving.

- Freeze.

[audience laughing]

George, I would like to havea little chat with Molly.

Would you please go inside

with Webster and playa little game with him?

- What game?

- Any game.

- Got a good point there.

Okay, Webster.

- Boy, when I grow up,

I bet I'll understandwhat just happened.

[audience laughing]

- Katherine, I don'tknow what to say.

- I do, but I'm tryingto control myself.

[audience laughing]

- Nothing happened.

Nothing went onbetween me and George.

- Not because you didn't try.

- It's just that I've alwayshad a crush on George.

Even when I was a fat,unattractive little girl,

he made me feel specialand comfortable, and safe.

I guess I made a mistake.

I'll go, if that'swhat you really want.

- What I really want isto feed you 12 eclairs

and a stack of pancakes.

[audience laughing]

But...[audience applauding]

I'll settle fora speedy goodbye.

- Is everythingall right in here?

- No, everything isnot all right in here.

- I owe you andKatherine an apology.

I just hope that wecan still be friends.

- Well, apology accepted.

To tell you the truth,

I felt a little flattered.

Just a little bit,hardly at all.

[audience laughing]

- George, what about the game?

- Not right now.

- That's because you're losing.

[audience laughing]

- Webster, is there somethingyou'd like to say to Molly?

- Oh, yeah.

Molly, George saidI was rude to you,

and I guess I was.

But next time you can't justhug and kiss me and George.

You've gotta hugand kiss Ma'am too.

- Oh, that's okay, Webster.

[audience laughing]

- Goodbye, Webster.

Goodbye, George.

Thank you.

- Goodbye, Molly.

The best of luck in your career.

- Thank you.

[Katherine sighs]

- So that was Molly.

Katherine, you're the greatest.

- I guess I am.

- I mean, wishing her luckafter all that's happened.

- What happened?

- Oh, come on,Katherine, admit it.

I mean, you werea little jealous.

- Yeah, I guess Iwas a little jealous,

but I always trustedyou, my darling.

- [Audience] Aww.

- George, are yougonna smooch all day,

or can we get back to our game?

[audience laughing]

- I know a game that allthree of us can play,

and no smooching.

♪ You put your right foot in ♪

♪ You put your right foot out ♪

♪ You put your right foot inand you shake it all about ♪

♪ You do the hokey pokey andyou turn yourself around ♪

♪ And that's whatit's all about ♪

[upbeat music]

[audience applauding]

[gentle music]

- George?

- Yes, my little corn muffin?

- What do you saywe take the day off,

just you and me?

- You mean pull thesheets over our head

and stop the world?

- That's what I mean.

- I'm glad that's what you mean.

- Oh, I'm glad you're gladthat's what I mean. [laughing]

George.

- Mail call!

- Webster!

[audience laughing]

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

[fanfare music]