01x07 - Second Time Around

[bunniefuu]

Webster, what are you doing?

I'm walking a tightrope.

Would you give me a
dollar if I do it?

Absolutely not.

It's dangerous, and
you'll hurt yourself.

Would you give me a
dollar if I don't do it?

OK.

Great

You're the third
person I got today.

THEME SONG: Set in
my ways, losin' track

of the days, only
me to live for.

Had no need to give
more than I wanted to.

Spendin' my time just
holdin' the line,

never getting caught up.

Love was never brought up.

It's not the thing to do.

Ooh-ooh!

It was you.

Then came you.

You made me leap
without taking a look.

Ooh-ooh!

It was you, then came you.

You reeled me right in,
line, sinker and hook.

Never thought forever
was the best I could do.

Then came you!

It was you and me and you.

It was you and me and you!

It was you and me,
and then came you!

Whatever Katherine
wants, Katherine gets.

And little George, little
Katherine wants you.

Ta-ta-ta. Ole!

White or red? Both.

He's an animal.

George!

Oh, I feel like a
kid cutting school.

-Katherine...
-It's a tryst.

A liaison.

A lover's afternoon
away from work,

far from the madding crowd.

Katherine, there's
something I have to tell you.

Shh.

Don't say a word.

I've taken care of everything.

Red satin sheets, Johnny
Mathis to get you in the mood,

and... unguents.

Unguents?

Yes.

It'll make you feel
young and restless.

Katherine.

I don't think we'll
be able to cover

that much territory
this afternoon.

Why?

Well, some... some work
came up unexpectedly,

and well... I have
to watch this tape.

- Tape?
- Yeah.

I tried to call you.

You almost had me
there, you little devil.

You know, I've never
seen one of these before.

Katherine.

- OK, one.
- Darling...

OK, several.

Give me.


music by Mantovani?

Oh, this is a joke, right?

No, they want me to
do a football special.

It's just my homework.

Homework?

Katherine, I know how you feel.

Oh, no, you don't.

Every time we make plans
to be alone together,

something gets in the way.

Katherine, you
canceled last time.

I had pneumonia.

Very understanding.

This was supposed to be
our romantic interlude.

Darling, it can still be
our romantic interlude.

There's commercials.

Halftime.

The point is that we agreed to
leave our work at the office.

And one of us didn't.

Obviously our
conversation of last night

meant nothing to you.

Catherine, that was
not a conversation.

It was a fight.

And it wasn't last night,
it was two nights ago.

You're right.

Last night we weren't
even speaking.

But... Webster.

Hi, ma'am.

Hi, George.

You two fighting again?

Fighting?

Oh, we're not fighting.

Are we fighting, George?

No. No, no.

We're not fighting.

We're doing things.

You know, uh... adult things.

Oh. OK.

Um... why are you home
from school so early?

Mrs. McCarthy inhaled her mace.

They couldn't find a substitute.

[DOORBELL]

I'll get it.

Hey, look.

It's Melanie.

- Isn't that great?
- Great.

Great.

Hi, Mr. Papajoplis.

Hi, Mrs. Dropapapolis.

Hi, Melanie.

Can we?

- Sure.
- Thanks.

Well, I take it you don't
want to watch Gale Sayers'

run for 98 yards
for a touchdown?

They're fighting again?

Yeah, and it's getting worse.

What if they never
stop fighting?

What if they get a divorce?

I guess you'll wind up
living with one of them,

and going to amusement
parks with the other.

That's no good.

I want to go to the amusement
park with both of them.

Then you'd better do something.

You're their kid.

It's your job to
keep them together.

How?

What do you do when your
parents are fighting?

I just bring out the
old wedding pictures.

They look at them,
get all mushy,

and I wind up
going to bed early.

That really works?

You bet it does.

The next morning Mom and
Dad just smile at each other

and eat Cheerios.

Well, it's not
gonna work for me.

Because Ma'am and George don't
have any wedding pictures.

How come?

They didn't have
a real wedding.

They were married on a ship.

Is that legal?

Hey, I'm new around here.

I don't ask too many questions.

Anyway, without
wedding pictures,

I'll have to think
of something else.

Unless...

Unless what?

Unless I can make
them a wedding.

Webster, are you crazy?

Of course not.

And I know just the place.

Melanie!

Melanie!

I'd really love
to stay and chat,

but Myron's up for
upholsterer of the year again,

and he's really nervous.

Oh, that's understandable.

Yeah.

But when Myron gets nervous he
upholsters everything in sight.

Compulsive, huh?

You don't know the half of it.

When I left he was
holding two staple g*ns

and a roll of Naugahyde.

And he was staring at the cat.

Melanie!

Can Melanie and I
go out for a soda?

Sure.

I'll walk them down.

Come on, kids.

Oh, Katherine, by
the way, we'd like

to have you two over
for dinner next week.

We'd do it this week, but
I hear you're fighting.

Hey, Maurice.

There's a moth in
m potato salad.

You don't know what
you're talking about.

I bed your pardon.

That is a moth.

Yeah, but that's
not potato salad.

Don't forget, Webster.

Tell them a grown-up sent you,
or you won't get anywhere.

Right.

If you need me I'll
be right outside.

Good luck.

- Hi, Maurice.
- Hey, Web.

How you doing? Have a seat.

What can I get you?

Don't tell me.

The usual.

Tutti-frutti ice cream
and a root beer set.

Not today.

I'm here to talk business.

Oh, well.

What's on your cute little mind?

I want to rent this
place for a wedding.

- A wedding?
- Yeah.

Tomorrow night.

Hey, you hear this, Harry?

The kid wants to
rent the Trocadero

so he can get married.

- Cute, huh?
- Priceless.

It's not my wedding.

It's for Ma'am and George.

I thought they were married.

They are, but they
need a real wedding.

Did you think this up yourself?

Of course not.

I'm a kid.

It was Ma'am's idea.

Well, that's a
different kettle of fish.

Then it's a deal?

Why not?

Saturday?

Saturday it is.

Some kid, huh, Harry?

What an imagination?

I think I swallowed my teeth!

[KNOCKING]

Hello, Webster.

Shh.

Well, did you get it?

Of course I did.

Shh.

Well?

What took you so long?

Listen, young man.

It's not easy finding your size.

I had to call the wardrobe
man from "The Wizard of Oz."

-I'll pay you back someday.
I promise.

Could you make it Friday?

I'm a little short.

You're short?

You're right.

This one's on me.

Just one question.

Is this wedding for real,
or are you and Melanie

playing a joke on dear, sweet,
lovable Uncle Jerry, hm?

It's for real, all right.

Just remember, it's a surprise.

Well, I know it's a...

Shh!

[WHISPERING] Well, I
know it's a surprise.

But how are you gonna get the
bride and groom to show up?

Easy.

Ma'am and George are going
out to dinner tonight.

All I gotta do is
get them to take me

along and let me
choose the place.

KATHERINE: Webster,
is George home?

Oh, you better go
before Ma'am sees you.

Fine.

Ooh, I almost forgot.

Here's your bow tie.

Wear it with pride.

Was that George I
heard you talking to?

No, ma'am.

Oh.

Guess it was my imagination.

Maybe.

Want some juice.

No thank you.

I've got stuff to do.

And when a kid's
got stuff to do,

he's gotta do it right away!

- George?
- Not right now, darling.

They're just about
ready to kick off.

George?

Sweetheart, just...
Just a second, here.

ANNOUNCER: Well, how about that?

A fair catch on the
opening kick off.

Fair catch on a kick off?

Are you crazy?

Uh, George, would you
turn off the television

so we could talk?

It's Denver New York.

What's there to talk about?

Dinner.

You're supposed to be
getting ready, remember?

We're going out tonight.

That's tomorrow night, darling.

No, no, no, sugar-buns.

It's tonight.

Oh, no, no, no, it
isn't, my dumpling-face.

It's tomorrow night.

Really, precious cargo,
how can you be so sure?

I can be so sure, my
little petunia blossom,

because tonight Denver
is playing New York,

and tomorrow night
Denver plays no one.

Oh!

Does everything have
to do with sports?

It's my job.

But even our most
intimate moments...

Oh. I see.

You're still mad
about last night.

Well, spiking the pillow
and hollering touchdown

is not my idea of romance.

Sweetheart, I'll
but you dinner later.

- I gotta watch this game.
- I don't.

Well, I do.

Well, maybe you could
watch it elsewhere.

Well, maybe I could
watch it elsewhere.

Fine.

Fine.

- Where are you going?
- Elsewhere.

Ma'am, where's George?

I thought he was home?

He was home, and now he's gone.

He can't be gone!

Why are you so said?

I mean, why are you so upset?

Why are you wearing a tuxedo?

'Cause tonight was
gonna be special.

Now it doesn't matter.

Everything's ruined!

I know it's ruined.

Why do you think it's ruined?

You, me, and George... we were
supposed to go out together.

Go out together?

Where?

To your wedding.

Webster, we are married.

Why would we want a wedding?

Because then everything
would be nice,

and you and George
would be happy again,

and we could all go to the
amusement park together.

Are you saying that you and
George planned a wedding?

Well, it wasn't
exactly me and George.

Are you saying George
planned a wedding?

OK.

A wedding.

Oh, well that's what he
meant by dinner later.

Now it makes sense.

It does?

Oh, that poor darling.

Here I was berating him
for not being romantic,

and all the time he
was planning the most

romantic evening of our lives.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Where was this
supposed to take place?

The Trocadero. Eight o'clock.

-The Trocadero. Eight o'clock. Eight o'clock.
-The Trocadero?

- Eight o'clock.
- The Trocadero?

It's the thought that counts.

What's the difference?

There can't be a
wedding without George,

and we don't know where he is.

Oh, yes we do. We do?

Where does George
go every time he

and I have one of
our discussions?

The Trocadero!

Hey.

What are you doing, Harry?

Risking my life.

Hi, Maurice.

What are you watching?

Vienna Philharmonic.

Vivaldi.

Why?

- Denver New York's on six.
- Oh, great.

I hate the classics.

Oh, you know, I
meant to tell you,

the funniest thing
happened the other day.

Your kid come in
and says Maurice,

I want to rent the Trocadero.

There's going to be a
wedding for George and Ma'am.

That' your wife.

I know.

He says it was Ma'am's idea.

So I says, her,
Harry, isn't that...

Wait, wait a minute.

- Katherine's idea?
- Yeah.

Ain't that a hoot?

Of course.

A wedding!

Why didn't I think of that?

All this talk about romance.

What's more romantic than
renewing your wedding vows?

You mean the kid
was on the level?

I can't believe it.

Here she is planning this
elegant, beautiful evening,

and I'm arguing over some
stupid, insignificant football

game.

What's the score?



First quarter.

She is so thoughtful, Maurice.

How many women do you
know would... would

hold a wedding at the Trocadero?

No one I know.

But how come she
sent the kid in?

Why didn't she come in herself?

Beats me.

But I'll tell you
something, Maurice.

If she wants a wedding, then
it's a wedding she's gonna get.

How long would it
take to set one up?

Well, that depends.

Are we talking
regular or classy?

What's the difference?

Well, if you want
a classy reception,

I gotta get separate
napkins for everyone,

I gotta get those
stylish plastic

champagne glasses with...

Maurice, I don't
have a lot of time.

How long?

Figure about an hour.

An hour?



But you ain't getting doilies.

Oh.

Well, isn't this something?

Oh, yes, it's something.

So's malaria.

Oh, too bad Myron
couldn't be here.

But he had an emergency call.

An emergency call?

The man is an upholsterer.

And a damn good one.

Here she comes.

Here comes the bride.

Ma'am, this is Maurice.

Oh, charmed, I'm sure.

My establishment is
at your disposal.

Oh, how kind.

Well, what do you think?

Kinda neat, huh?

Yes, I can think of
lots of adjectives.

George said you were smart.

- [PHONE RINGING]
- Where is George?

He's not here yet.

He's gotta be here.

Hey, lady.

It's George.

Hey, everybody,
it's the bridegroom.

Thanks. George?

Where are you?

Um... give me a moment.

George.

No... why would I...
Why would I be upset?

It's only a wedding.

- Yeah, fine.
- Where is he?

He's at home.

Well, let's go and get him.

You're right, Webster.

Let's go home,
and let's get him.

Well, hello, you two.

What a great ball game!

Katherine, get yourself
a brew and sit down.

George, what about the wedding?

Uh, Webster, would you
please go to your room?

George and I have some
adult things to discuss.

Yeah, but what
about the wedding?

Webster, don't worry.

Everything's OK.

- Go ahead.
- You sure?

Of course.

-Everything will be OK, huh?
Look at you.

Not an inkling of remorse?

Do I sense anger, darling?

Anger?

Because my husband gives up his
own wedding for a football game

and a bottle of beer?

Ale.

Whatever.

Katherine, I'm sorry.

I guess I'm just
not a romantic guy.

There's a bulletin.

If I were romantic, I'd
have planned something

intimate for tonight,
like... dim lights... ah.

A cozy table for two.

Thank you. Candlelight.

And since we still have
a wonderful reception

at the Trocadero later
on, something light.

But elegant.

Like, for instance,
duck a I'orange?

And to refresh our
palates, some champagne.

Oh.

And to accompany
the intimate ambience

of our little tete-a-tete,
some strolling violinists.

George, you didn't.

[VIOLINS PLAYING]

Oh, George.

Our romantic interlude.

Mm.

You made it happen.

Oh, darling, darling,
that's the least

I can do after such a
wonderful, wonderful wedding.

Well, the wedding
was a lovely idea.

But it wasn't mine.

Of course it was, darling.

Sweetheart, the Trocadero
is quaint, but quite frankly

I wouldn't plan a
dogfight in that place.

Just a minute, Katherine, I...

Guys.

- It was my idea.
- Wait a minute...

The wedding was your idea?

Fellas, could you
stroll into the kitchen?

What are you talking
about, your idea?

See, I didn't want you
guys to fight anymore,

because then you'd
get a divorce.

A divorce?

Yeah.

And me and Teddy would have to
choose one of you to live with.

And we couldn't figure
out who we love more.

Web, we're not
getting a divorce.

- You're not?
- No.

You mean you still
love each other?

We sure do.

Yes.

And you're not
gonna fight anymore?

Well, I wouldn't go
so far as to say that.

Webster, married
people fight sometimes.

But it doesn't mean that
they're gonna get a divorce,

or that they don't
love each other.

So you're still
gonna fight, huh?

Well, we still may go a
few rounds now and then.

Then I guess we still
need the wedding.

Why do we need the wedding?

So I can take pictures.

And then whenever you get
angry you can look at them,

get all mushy, and
send me to bed early.

That sounds good.

OK, Ma'am and George.

- You stand here, please.
- All right.

Could we have
some music, please?

[MUSIC - "HERE COMES THE BRIDE"]

Do you and Ma'am
love each other?

- Yes.
- We do.

I'm supposed to tell you
that it's OK to get sick,

and you have to stay in
love, and you can't split up.

Now you gotta kiss.

We gotta kiss?

That's the rules, George.

Well, rules are
rules, Katherine.

Well, if it must be
done, it must be done.

[MUSIC - "TAKE ME OUT TO THE
BALLGAME"]

Come, my darling.

Oh, Trudy, thank
you for letting

Webster stay tonight with you.

Oh, sure.

What have you two got planned?

Another romantic interlude.

No, a second honeymoon,
or maybe a third.

He's an animal.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]