01x10 - Educating Katherine

[bunniefuu]

[playful intro music]

[audience laughs]

♪ Set in my ways ♪

♪ Loosing track of the days ♪

♪ Only me to live for ♪

♪ Had no need to givemore than I wanted to ♪

♪ Spending my timejust holding the line ♪

♪ Never getting caught up ♪

♪ Love was never brought up ♪

♪ It's not the thing to do ♪

♪ Ooh ooh, it was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You made me leapwithout taking a look ♪

♪ Ooh ooh, it was you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ You reeled me right inline, sinker and hook ♪

♪ Never thought foreverwas the best I could do ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

♪ It was you and me and you ♪

♪ It was you and me ♪

♪ Then came you ♪

[playful upbeat music]

- Budget cuts?

This is terrible.

The school is cuttingback on certain subjects

'cause there isn't enoughmoney in the budget.

- Well, they can't afford it.

So, they're losing theless important subjects.

- I don't consider art tobe a less important subject.

I think art is everybit as important

as music or physical education.

- There's no more musicdepartment either.

- Oh, this is criminal.

- What criminal?

If you gotta cutback some place,

you cut back on music and art.

Not math and history.

- There's no more sports either.

- Has the world gone mad?

[audience laughs]

- Well, Mr. Que sera sera,did we hit a nerve?

- Who's responsiblefor these atrocity?

Who's to blame?

Who's the idiotthat caused this?

- We are.- We are.

Well, I hope we'resatisfied, Katherine.

What do you mean we?

- Well, we received a letterfrom the school last week

asking parents to volunteer help

until this budget thing issettled and we ignored it.

I put it here somewherein the trash mail.

Aha!

Here it is.

- Well, it's not ourfault, Katherine.

We work. We havea job, remember?

- I'm sure that's how everyother parent responded.

- So, what are peoplesupposed to do, Katherine?

Give up their careers,

so seven-year-oldscan connect the dots.

[audience laughs]

- There's such a thingis civic responsibility.

- Kids need someoneto help them.

- Yeah, kids needsomeone to help them.

- Someone terrific and exciting.

- Someone terrific and exciting.

- With pretty eyes.

[audience laughs]

- With pretty eyes.

- I don't know.

Now wait a minute, Katherine.

You're not qualifiedto teach art.

- Are you crazy?

I'm a Calder-Young.

Art is my middle name.

- Yeah!

- Webster?

How would you feelif I were to teach

your art class for a while?

- Okay, I guess.

[squeals]

[audience laughs]

- Well, what about your job?

- Well, it's just one houra day, three days a week.

And this is important.

This is an opportunityto nourish young minds.

- That was beautiful, Katherine.

- I thought so.

- And if it means that muchto you, then go for it.

- Yeah.

I'm gonna callJerry and tell him

to cancel my threeo'clock appointments.

And then I gotta get myart books out of the truck.

- It's too bad you're so busy.

You can help so much too.

- Yeah, I know, but I'mreally not qualified.

- What about sports?

- Sports?

Yeah, I could coach.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, I could coach baseball.

I'd be another Billy Martin.

- Somebody already volunteered.

- Football. [chuckles]

I could be another Tom Landry.

- It's taken.

- Basketball.

I could be another-

- Taken.

[audience laughs]

- What's left?

[paper rustling]

[soft music]

- [George] Dodge ball?

[audience laughs]

- I'm telling you guys,

she's one of the greatestart teachers of all times.

- Is she fun?

- Fun? Are you kidding?

Her middle name is fun.

- [Children] Yay!

- And we owe it allto you, Webster.

- Oh shocks. It was nothing.

- Hi, everybody.

- [Children] Goodmorning, Teacher.

- My name is KatherineCalder-Young Papadopolis.

- [Children] Hi,Mrs. Papadapada...

[audience laughs]

- Mrs. P will do just fine.

- Yes?

- I'm Gloria Swanson.

- I think we're allgonna have a lot of fun.

- [Children] Yay!

- I've brought some wonderfulthings to share with you kids.

- [Children] Yay!

- Now, today we are going totalk about the color blue.

Can anyone tell me wherethe color blue comes from?

Yes?

- I have to go to the bathroom.

- Fine.

[audience laughs]

The sky.

The sky. The sky is blue.

And you know, sometimespeople are blue too.

[children laughs]

No, no. It's absolutely true.

Let me ask you something.

Have any of you childrenever been in love?

[audience laughs]

Yeah.

Have you ever lovedsomeone so much

that you would cutoff your ear for them?

- That's gross.

[audience laughs]

- Yeah.

Pay attention, everybody.

We're gonna havea test on Friday.

- A test in art?

- Once upon a time,there was an artist

named Vincent Van Goghwho painted in blue

because he was very blue.

- [Children] How blue was he?

- He was so blue

[audience laughs]

he cut off one of his earsbecause he loved someone

who didn't love him back.

- Sorry, I asked.

[audience laughs]

- Now, he...

[door locks]

[audience laughs]

Lived in a place called Holland.

And Holland is a wonderfulcountry with lots of flowers.

And the flowers areall very pretty,

you see, because of the canals.

See here?

- Hey, Web.

When are we gonna paint?

- Give her a break.

It's her first day.

- Well, the canals arefull of nice, clean water

which helps to makethe flowers grow.

Although it isn'tso clean anymore.

I was in Copenhagen two yearsago and it was disgusting.

And Venice isn't much better.

Very touristy, very expensive.

Although I did discovera wonderful restaurant

in Parma called La Filoma,which was out of this world.

And the Capelli D'angelojust melted in your mouth.

And speaking of love,oh, there was Alfredo.

[audience laughs]

- This is gonna be some test.

- Where was I?

Oh yes, the canals.

[George clears throat]

George?

- Hi, Professor.

- I'm in the middle of a class.

- Katherine, can I stealfive minutes of your time?

I'm on the wheels of a dilemma.

May I?

- Sure.

- Hi, kids.

I'm Coach Georgeand I'm very blue.

I'm blue because Iposted a signup sheet

on a blackboard for dodge ball

and nobody's puttheir name on it yet.

Now, dodge ball isa lot like life.

You fall down, you get hit,

you cry,

you lose.

It's a great game.

[audience laughs]

So, think about it.

I'll be in my officeblowing up balls.

[audience laughs]

[whistle blows]

Carry on.

[audience laughs]

- This is a portrait of Ve...

- I'm sorry, darling.

I'm trying to find amascot for the team

and I'm stuck betweenan owl and a groundhog.

An owl because he's very wise

and a groundhogbecause he's two bucks.

- Go for the groundhog.

- What should I name him?

- Warren.

- Warren. That's great.

You don't happento have two bucks?

- George, please.

[audience laughs]

- She's fun?

- I have more funwith my parents.

- Webster, what areyou trying to do to us?

[soft somber music]

She's driving us bananas.

- Curtis, that's not nice.

- I know, but youcan't argue with it.

- This means a lot to her.

- Bolivian cave paintersmean a lot to her?

- We have a test tomorrow, Web.

None of us is prepared.

- It's not my faultyou didn't study.

- Look, Web, we took this classbecause it used to be fun.

- And easy.

- It's not fun anymore.

- I'm a kid.

I wanna enjoy my life.

[audience laughs]

- I don't carewhat anybody says.

She's a good teacher.

- She's a good travel agent,

but she didn'tteach us anything.

- Curtis, give her a chance.

- Look, Web, if Iflunk that test,

I'm gonna tell theprincipal I was framed.

- Me too.

- Well, if you do that,

Ma'am gonna looklike a bad teacher.

- So what?

- Well, my first test.



It's a work of art.

- Warren.

Warren would be a goodname for a groundhog.

Nah, that's theprincipal's name.

- [Webster] Hi,Ma'am. Hi, George.

- Hi, boys.

- [Curtis] Hello,Mrs. Papadopolis.

- [Benny] Hiya, Coach.

- Hi, g*ng.

- Are you all ready forthe big test tomorrow?

- They're all excitedabout you test, Ma'am.

Aren't you fellas?

- Yeah.- Yeah.

- Well, [paper rustles] Ihope we're all prepared.

- Is that the test?

- No, these are the answers.

- Do you suppose I couldtake a look at that?

- [chuckles] Very funny, Benny.

- That's me. Funny Benny.

[audience laughs]

[drawer scrapes]

- Goodbye, guys.

[doorknob rattles]

- Remember, Web, wedon't care how you do it.

Lock her in a bathroom.

Set fire to her hats.

Just do something.

- Don't worry.I'll do something.

[door thuds]

- Euripides.

It's got a nice ringto it, doesn't it?

[audience laughs]

- Ma'am, could Iask you something?

- Sure.

- Do we have to have a test?

- Of course.

- I see.

Why?

- Well, it's notjust a test for you.

It's a test for me too.

- What do you mean by that?

- Well, if thekids don't do well,

it might mean thatI'm not teaching well.

- In other words, ifwe don't look good,

you don't look good.

- Right.

- Oh.

[soft music]

[footsteps tapping]

[soft music]

A.

B.

[soft music]

- Web, here we go.

Little dodge ball.

Take your best shot, baby.

And here's what I'm gonna do,

I'm gonna come over here.

[Web giggles]

- You hit me.

- You told me to hit you.

- It's a brutal sport.

[audience laughs]

- I failed.

- What?- What?

- I just finished correctingthese test papers and...

- Oh, Katherine.

The kids did badly?

- Badly? Badly.

- That's impossible

to believe.

- [sighs] Look at these.

- 100%.





They all, theyall did a hundred?

They all did 100%?

- Now, do you seewhy I'm so miserable?

Oh, I just made it too easy.

- That's not why.

- It's not?

- No.

It's just you area good teacher.

- Yeah, that's what it is.

- Oh, well I appreciate whatyou're both trying to do,

but that's not it.

See, the thing is that a childcould answer these questions.

- Ma'am, remember whenyou said if we did good,

you did good?

- Yeah?

- Well, you did great.

I bet you are the best artteacher in the whole world.

- Ah, thank you.

- I'm proud of you.

[frog croaks]

Feeding time.

[audience laughs]

- He's a new father, you know?

- What?

- The frogs.

- Oh, Fred and Peggy had babies?

- 171.

[audience laughs]

- What do you think?

Do you think they allgot a perfect score

because I was good?

- Katherine, can I be candid?

- Please.

- Picasso couldn'tget these answers.

- Well, who asked you?

[audience laughing]

- Darling, whenI was in college,

my friend PeanutNutter was real scared

that I wasn't gonnapass the final.

So, he broke into the officeand he wrote the answers

on his sleeve and hegave me his shirt.

He wasn't a thief, darling.

He was just my friend.

- Did you pass the final?

- No.

He broke into the wrong office.

My final was in history.

[audience laughs]

Kenny Boo's answerswere all biology.

[audience laughs]

It was embarrassing, Katherine,answering the question.

Why did Eleanor Rooseveltgo to China with?

To bury her eggs in sand.

[audience laughs]

- Point?

- Well, the point is,

I think someone gavethose kids the answers.

- Are you suggesting thatsomeone broke in here

and stole those answers?

- I think it was an inside job.

- Webster?

- [George] Yes.

- But why?

- I don't know, Love Breath.

Why don't you ask him?

- Because Eagle Feather,

it's not fair tosingle one person out.

I think it's fairto ask them all.

- [Children] For he'sa jolly good fellow

which nobody can deny.

Yay!

- Web, you really did it.

- Thanks, Web. I needed that.

- You're a take charge guy.

I like that in a man.

[audience laughs]

- Your godmother musthave been shocked

when she saw those hundreds.

- Yes, she was real proud.

- We really pulled thewool over her eyes.

- No, we didn't.

- Hey, I didn't mean anything.

- You just be quiet.

She feels good.

And I didn't take thoseanswers to help you pass.

I took those answers

to make up her feellike a good teacher.

[bell rings]

- Hello, everybody.

- [Children] Goodafternoon, Mrs. P.

- Now, as you all know,

everybody passed the arttest with a perfect score.

- [Children] Yay! Woo!

- [Curtis] Yeah!

- Now, if you passthe test honestly,

I will be very proud.

If, however, you didn'tpass the test honestly.

I think I deserve to know that.

Benny?

Curtis?

Webster?

[soft melancholic music]

- [George] Web?

[door slams]

- Hi, George.

- You wanna talk about it?

- No.

I'm too, what do you call it?

- Ashamed.

- That's why I didn'tcome right home

'cause I was too ashamed.

- Where have youbeen all this time?

- Right in the elevator.

The music calms me down.

[audience laughs]

I didn't mean to hurt her.

I would never hurt her.

- Well, it was adumb thing to do.

- I think I'll goback in the elevator.

- Wait a minute.Wait a minute now.

You face the music inthere, not in the elevator.

- Is Ma'am in there?

[soft melancholic music]

Hi, Ma'am.

- Hi.

- You're upset.

- What makes youthink I'm upset?

- You always cookwhen you're upset.

Then, we make up andgo out for pizza.

[audience laughs]

Ma'am.

Remember when youasked the class

if we passed the testhonestly, and nobody said no?

- Yes.

- No.

- Webster, did you givethe class the answers?

- Yes.

I didn't want you to thinkthat you were a bad teacher.

And I didn't wanna hurt you.

All I wound up doing wasmaking you feel worser.

- Worse.

- Worse.

- That's right.

You did do something wrong.

But why you did it is verysweet and I love you for it.

- Then you stillgonna be our teacher?

- Oh no.

I don't think so.

And there's no point in teachingwhen no one is listening.

- I guess we both blew it.

- It was penchant forrambling on, right?

- No, no. That wasn't it.

I mean, yeah, you did ramblealong, but that wasn't it.

- Well, I was confusing, right?

- No, no, that wasn't it.

I mean, yeah, you did talk toomuch and you were confusing.

[audience laughs]

That wasn't it.

- I was just bad.

- That's it.

[audience laughs]

- Oh, if I had todo over again, I...

- Then, why don't you comeback and do it all over again?

- Oh, Webster, I don'treally know how to teach.

- Yes, you do.

You teach me stuff all the time

and I listen to youbecause you are fun.

- I'm fun?

- Yeah.

The only thing you did wrong

was you weren'tfun in the class.

- Oh, well what didyou do in the class

before I was your teacher?

- We drew pictures, modelclay and finger painted.

And once, we paintedelbow trainer.

[audience laughs]

- I bet that was messy.

- Yeah, elbow was very ticklish.

[audience laughs]

- Must have been fun.

- Have you ever finger painted?

- Only with gloves.

Mother wouldn't allow it.

[audience laughs]

- Want me to teach you?

- Yeah, that would be fun.

- [laughs] I knew you twowould get together like that.

I just kept saying to myself,

"Hey George, leave 'em alone.

They know what they're doing.

Let them get it together.

A good coach knows when togive his team some space here."

[audience laughs]

[bright upbeat music]

- Now, you all know thatyou cheated on the test

and that is prettyserious stuff.

If you were an adult, you'dget sent up the river.

But this was an arttest and not a tax form.

And you were not adults,you were children.

And I'm sorry, I guess Iwas a little over exuberant.

Does anyone here knowwhat over exuberant means?

- Boring?

[audience laughs]

Boring is close.

Now, what we'redoing in this class

is supposed to behaving fun, right?

- [Children] Right!

- So, let's have fun, okay?

- [Children] Yay.

- Now, does anyone knowwho Jackson Pollock was?

- [Children] No.

- Jackson Pollock was a painterwho lived from 1912 to 1956.

- Here we go again.

- Jackson Pollock was anabstract expressionist.

Do you know what that means?

- No.

- It means we throw paint!

[children screaming happily]

[audience laughs]

[bright upbeat music]

[audience applauding]

[bright upbeat music continues]

[heavy drum beats]